Kesaksian seorang Gay Yahudi.
My Secret L I f e
Written by Avrohom ben Mordechai.
"I went to yeshiva with you. I davened next to you. You were
my chavrusa (classmate). I danced at your chassenah
(wedding). You wondered when you would dance at mine. I
never dared to utter to you, my dear friends, my parents, my
Rebbeim (Rabbis), my community, that I had a secret life...."
I went to yeshiva with you. I davened next to you. You were
my chavrusa (classmate). I danced at your chassenah
(wedding). You wondered when you would dance at mine. I
never dared to utter to you, my dear friends, my parents, my
Rebbeim (Rabbis), my community, that I had a secret life.
My life of shame began at an early age. Why had Hashem
(G-D) punished me by having attractions to other men?
Being in an all-boy yeshiva just made the matter worse.
I found myself having homosexual thoughts. I spent more
and more hours praying to Hakodosh Boruch Hu (the
Creator) that He would help me change to the person that I
wished to be. I didn't care whether it was right or wrong for
other people, it was not right for me, and the life I wished for.
Thoughts of homosexuality were one level, but after so
many years of struggling with frustrations, I began to act on
these thoughts. The aveirot (sins) were disgusting to me, yet
I had no way of stopping them.
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My yetzir hora (obsessive impulse) was out of control and
eventually it became like an addiction to a drug that I felt I
was powerless to stop.
Discussing the problem with the people I loved was not an
option for me because I feared that if I revealed my secret
life, my friends and family would grow to hate me, even as I
hated myself. I was so ashamed yet I lived a secret double
life like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don't think you ever knew.
I do not remember the day that Hashem performed a
modest miracle on my behalf, boruch Hashem (blessed is
His name).
It was the day I found a therapist who would work with me to
help me on the long and arduous process of changing my
sexuality to one that I was more comfortable with. It took
many years of self-examination and introspection for
something to shift within me, to repair the profound
emotional wounds that drove my actions and desires.
It makes me laugh (yet cry) when I read that the media
thinks it is impossible to heal a broken sexuality. It was not
easy by any means, but to me it was the biggest endeavor of
my life.
I did not think that change was possible, but through
perseverance and emunah (personal faith), I was ultimately
startled to find out that it was possible to change. Even
through my unworthiness, Hashem blessed me with gradual
healing and then introduced me to my basherta (soul mate).
Then came the day when you danced at my chassenah and
you didn't even know that I had been through hell and back
while right in front of your eyes. I wonder how many other
Jews suffer in this toxic silence of shame?
It is with this in mind that I address the recent heated debate
on "homosexuality and Halacha (Jewish law).” It is a good
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thing to discuss this which has been so taboo. I believe that
it is the beginning of healing this serious and dangerous
epidemic that afflicts more yeshiva students (as well as other
members of the Jewish community) than anyone has dared
to imagine!
Rather than debate the minutia of Halacha, which is rather
clear-cut, I encourage our Rabbeim to remember two things:
First, this kind of change is possible, and please have
rachmones (empathy) on the afflicted.
Second, there are B'nei Yisroel (Jewish people) out there
who do not revel in their "queerness," but rather are
suffering alone and want help to do t'shuva (repentance and
return).
JONAH, Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality,
is a group I fully support based upon my personal
experience.
JONAH helps those silent strugglers who wish to change as
well as offers support to families who have been devastated
by this issue. They understand that homosexuality is not an
identity but rather a learned behavior pattern, which can be
unlearned.
Avrohom ben Mordechaii
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