tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40658190883454324312024-02-20T17:37:20.928-08:00terajanaanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comBlogger517125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-24306444440621874212012-03-17T02:56:00.000-07:002012-08-10T21:04:19.537-07:00my listhttp://www.ziddu.com/download/6919378/mov00015.3gp.htmlanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-83770940608936077172012-03-17T02:36:00.000-07:002012-03-17T02:38:15.203-07:00belajar tenseshttp://www.ziddu.com/download/18892197/1.ppt.htmlanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-64624216378802700962010-09-24T21:49:00.000-07:002010-09-24T21:50:50.683-07:00how to make people listenmSONYA HAMLIN<br />HOW TO T A L K<br />SO PEOPLE L I S T E N<br />the real key to job success<br />1817<br />HARPER & ROW, PUBLISHERS New York<br />Cambridge, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Washington,<br />London, Mexico City, Sao Paulo, Singapore, Sydney<br />HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN. Copyright © 1988 by Sonya Hamlin. All rights<br />reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or<br />reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of<br />brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address<br />Harper & Row, Publishers, 10 East 53rd Street, New York, N.Y. 10022. Published<br />simultaneously in Canada by Fitzhenry & Whiteside Limited, Toronto.<br />FIRST EDITION<br />Designer: Ruth Bornschlegel<br />Copy editor: Ann Adelrnan<br />Indexer: Maro Riofrancos<br />Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data<br />Hamlin, Sonya.<br />How to talk so people listen.<br />Includes index.<br />1. Business communication. 2. Oral communication. 3. Persuasion (Psychology)<br />I. Title.<br />HF5718.H284 1988 658.4'52 87-15624<br />ISBN 0-06-015669-4<br />88 89 90 91 92 RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1<br />For information about our audio products, write us at:<br />Newbridge Book Clubs, 3000 Cinde! Drive, Deiran, NJ 08370<br />To my friends:<br />T.A.W.;C.H.;A.P.;J.N.;N.L.G.; M.D.A.;<br />E.A.C.: K.V.: I.M.; N.N.; H.S.<br />The ones who, unlike your family, don't have to<br />let you in when you knock, but by voluntarily reaching<br />for your hand tell you that you are indeed loved and<br />supported.<br />Contents<br />1 • WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? Why We Don't Communicate Well<br />in the Workplace 1<br />WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT 2<br />How Do I Know? 3<br />WHY WE HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME<br />COMMUNICATING 4<br />Where It Begins 5<br />How It Develops 6<br />What We Want 7<br />WHAT MOTIVATES WORK 8<br />Status 8<br />Usefulness 9<br />Affection/Acceptance 9<br />Money/Security 10<br />OUR PUBLIC IMAGE 12<br />What Works, What Doesn't and Why 12<br />What We Already Know 13<br />BASIC WORK PERSONALITIES 13<br />Achievers 14<br />Affiliators 15<br />Influencers 16<br />Using the Work Types 18<br />A Predominance of Achievers 19<br />THE BASICS OF COMMUNICATING: Why and How People<br />Listen 21<br />Vlll CONTENTS<br />TELLING AND LISTENING 21<br />The One-sided Nature of Telling 21<br />Listening Is Work 22<br />Motivation 22<br />WHAT MAKES PEOPLE LISTEN 23<br />Self Interest 23<br />Who's Telling 25<br />How They Tell It 31<br />THE NEW TECHNIQUES OF TELLING 34<br />Basic Techniques of Television Communication 34<br />Communication Consequences of TV 36<br />Implications for Business Communication 40<br />VERBAL VS. NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION 40<br />How We Communicate 40<br />COMMON OBSTACLES TO COMMUNICATION 43<br />How People Feel About Learning 43<br />Language 45<br />• GETTING READY TO COMMUNICATE: Fore-thought for<br />Strategies 48<br />DEVELOPING STRATEGIES 48<br />What Goes Wrong and Why 48<br />Where We Get Stuck 52<br />FORE-THOUGHT 52<br />Who Is Your Audience? 53<br />What You Know, What You Need 53<br />THE FORE-THOUGHT CHART 56<br />The Basic Idea 56<br />The Process 57<br />Objective Goals 58<br />Emotional Needs 61<br />Probable Expectations 68<br />A Chart for the Summoned 74<br />Contents ix<br />FORE-THOUGHT CHECK-LIST 76<br />Forethought for Larger Audiences 77<br />4 • STRUCTURING AND ORGANIZING BUSINESS<br />ENCOUNTERS 78<br />PREPARATION 78<br />Choose and Edit Your Goals 78<br />SCHEDULING THE MEETING 81<br />When to Meet 81<br />Which Day 84<br />Where to Meet 85<br />To Lunch or Not to Lunch 89<br />Breakfast Meetings 90<br />GETTING ON THE CALENDAR 91<br />Techniques 91<br />DESIGNING PRESENTATIONS: What Captures Attention and<br />Understanding 96<br />GUIDELINES FOR DESIGNING PRESENTATIONS 97<br />How We Think 97<br />What We Need So We Understand and Stay<br />Interested 99<br />STRUCTURING A PRESENTATION 104<br />Outline Form 104<br />Order of Presentation 104<br />Checklist 109<br />MAKING MESSAGES VISUAL 110<br />Why Use Visual Reinforcement 110<br />What to Show; What to Tell 110<br />"Leave-Behinds" 112<br />DESIGNING VISUAL MATERIALS 114<br />Basic Guidelines 114<br />Techniques for Using Visual Aids 117<br />CONTENTS<br />6 • CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: One-on-One 119<br />OPENERS 119<br />Before You Begin 120<br />Change Gears 120<br />Warm-up 120<br />Small Talk 121<br />Where to Sit 123<br />Amenities 124<br />Body Language 125<br />SUBSTANCE 126<br />Up Front: Agenda, Goals, Time 126<br />Sharing the Power 127<br />Motivation 129<br />Telling and Explaining 129<br />Discussion 130<br />SPECIAL ISSUES 132<br />Creative Criticism 132<br />Getting at the Truth 134<br />Handling Anger—Yours and His/Hers 135<br />CLOSURE 138<br />Recap and Clarify 138<br />List Next Steps 139<br />Follow-Up 139<br />End on a High Note 139<br />CHECKLIST 140<br />7 • PRESENTATIONS: How to Make Memorable<br />Speeches 142<br />UNDERSTANDING AUDIENCES 142<br />How Audiences Feel 142<br />PLANNING YOUR PRESENTATION 145<br />Profile Your Audience 145<br />Why Are They Coming 147<br />Physical Realities 149<br />Contents<br />DESIGNING YOUR PRESENTATION 250<br />Positioning the Speech 150<br />Basic Organization of a Speech 153<br />SHOULD YOU WRITE IT? 154<br />Written vs. Oral Speeches 154<br />The Effect of Written Speeches on the Audience 156<br />The Effects on You, the Speaker 157<br />For Addicted Speechwriters 158<br />For Extemporizers 158<br />MAKING USABLE NOTES AND OUTLINES 759<br />The Basic Process 159<br />TECHNIQUES FOR DELIVERING MEMORABLE<br />SPEECHES 164<br />Attention-Getting Openings 164<br />Audience Involvement 168<br />Presenting Subject Matter 171<br />Endings 174<br />PERSONAL STYLE 175<br />Being Yourself 175<br />How You Feel Toward Your Audience 176<br />Stage Fright 177<br />Getting Started 179<br />The Lectern or Podium 181<br />SPEAKING AND LANGUAGE SKILLS 182<br />Making Language Clear 182<br />Analogies 183<br />Use Words Visually 183<br />Emphasize 184<br />The Use of Silence 184<br />A POSTSCRIPT 185<br />The Never-Make-A-Speech-Without-It Checklist 185<br />8 • THE ART OF BEING QUESTIONED: The Audience or the Boss<br />Vs. You 188<br />BASIC PRINCIPLES OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS 188<br />The Questioning Process 188<br />CONTENTS<br />Conditioning 189<br />How We Answer Questions 189<br />THE AUDIENCE VS. YOU: ANSWERING AUDIENCE<br />QUESTIONS 191<br />Why Answer Questions? 191<br />Preparing for Q & A 193<br />ANSWERING TECHNIQUES 196<br />Getting Started 196<br />Handling Questions 198<br />Handling Difficult Questions and Questioners 201<br />Buying Time 201<br />Avoiding the Question 203<br />Turning Questions Around 203<br />Cutting People Off 204<br />Getting the Audience on Your Side 204<br />HANDLING HOSTILITY 205<br />Why People Get Hostile 205<br />Techniques for Handling Hostility 207<br />THE BOSS VS. YOU 211<br />The Dynamics of Power 211<br />How Much Room at the Top 211<br />Preparation 213<br />BASIC TECHNIQUES FOR ANSWERING 214<br />Answering Informational Questions 215<br />Answering Critical Questions 217<br />Role Play and Practice 220<br />9 • MEETINGS: Leading and Participating Effectively 222<br />WHAT GOES WRONG AND WHY 222<br />Factual Issues 222<br />"Feeling" Issues 224<br />Why Meetings? 226<br />Comparison of What Should Be and What Is 227<br />BASIC PERSONALITIES AT MEETINGS 228<br />Players in a Group Interaction 229<br />Interaction 232<br />Contents xiii<br />BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR<br />MEETINGS 233<br />Listening 233<br />Supporting 236<br />Disagreeing 239<br />Personal Skills for Leaders 240<br />Personal Skills for Meeting Participants 243<br />CREATING AND LEADING EFFECTIVE<br />MEETINGS 246<br />Planning 246<br />Creating the Agenda 246<br />Designing and Implementing the Meeting 249<br />Leadership Techniques 250<br />Warm-Ups 250<br />Openings 251<br />The Body of the Meeting 252<br />Assign Visual Charting 253<br />Closure 255<br />10 • THE LAST WORD 257<br />A PERSONAL NOTE 258<br />INDEX 259<br />Acknowledgments<br />Now that it's done, there's finally time to reflect on the process. No<br />book ever grows full-blown from the author's head. It has hands to help<br />it along the way: phone calls for advice, critical notes written in margins<br />by friends and colleagues, serious review by professionals and, most of<br />all, the endless support of always available friends at the other end of<br />those frantic, exhausted, end-of-my-rope calls for help.<br />Having already thanked my friends in the dedication, let me now<br />turn to my professional colleagues. Thanks to the gifted business leader<br />James D. Robinson III, Chairman and CEO of American Express and<br />Chairman of the New York City Partnership, who made room in his<br />super-human schedule to read and critique the chapters as they rolled<br />out and feed back how they would fit the needs of business. Thanks also<br />to James J. Walker, Executive Vice-President of CIGNA and to Senior<br />Vice-Presidents Ida Schmertz and Rennie Roberts and to Vice-President<br />Kimberly Rupert of American Express for evaluating my theses against<br />their own experience. Thanks to John Humphrey, CEO of the Forum<br />Corporation, for information he gave me long ago about meetings.<br />To business consultant Dr. Herbert Selesnick, whose M.I.T. Sloan<br />School training and critically analytical mind sifted every word I wrote<br />and unrelentingly slashed away at the fuzzy passages and the Hamlin<br />tendency to overwrite—thank you for your dedication and tenacity as<br />well as your perception and knowledge. I look back on the various<br />projects we've shared with pleasure.<br />Many thanks to Stephen Glasser, president of Prentice-Hall Law and<br />Business, publisher of "What Makes Juries Listen," for permission to<br />quote from my material in that book.<br />To Larry Ashmead, executive editor of the Trade Department at<br />ACKNOWLEDGMENTS<br />Harper & Row, thank you for wanting the book and for your tremendous<br />support and faith in it, and in me. Thanks to John Michel, editor and<br />trouble-shooter, who dealt with the problems and the phone calls and<br />husbanded the manuscript through the Scylla and Charybdis of publishing<br />it. To Ruth Bornschlegel, who willingly welcomed my help and<br />choices in the interior design and layout of the book, thanks. To Joseph<br />Montebello, a rare Art Director who let this author in to share ideas<br />about the color and design of the jacket—thank you for your patience and<br />thoughtfulness. To Dan Harvey and his PR team, Lisa Berkowitz and<br />Scott Manning, thanks for all your enthusiasm and dedication to the book<br />and your sensitivity to me. Thanks to Connie Clauson, my agent, for<br />launching the book and to Rita Marcus for getting the whole project<br />started.<br />Finally, thanks to all the thousands of people I've taught. You've<br />taught me more, and kept me humble and continually questioning in the<br />process . . . .<br />WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?<br />Why We Don't Communicate Well<br />in the Workplace<br />Hello. I'm Sonya Hamlin.<br />How can a book about communicating begin from anywhere else?<br />Anywhere else than acknowledging the typical order by which we all<br />make contact with each other? And then using it, step by step, with you?<br />How can I ask you to listen to me any further unless I first let you do<br />the usual checking we all do before we start to trust and gather interest<br />in a potential "teller"?<br />If a stranger walked into your office and said, "Change the way you<br />report your fourth quarter results. I know a better way," would you just<br />do it? Surely not.<br />Well, you don't know me. Because we can't see each other—a sense<br />that could give you the first fast layer of information—I'll have to unfold<br />our relationship and go through the common order of developing trust<br />through words alone.<br />Skipping the next order of natural business—the usual handshake,<br />smile, and "Glad to meet you" rituals when strangers warily draw<br />closer—I'll move directly to step three: What I have to tell and whether<br />or not you'll "listen."<br />Listening doesn't happen automatically. It's based on how quickly I<br />get to something you can use. You'll stay if I promise some new insights<br />and alternative processes that could improve your life; some ideas<br />that are important and practical enough for you to accept and want to<br />try.<br />Now—have we drawn closer? What have you learned so far?<br />HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• This is a rather unusual way to begin a book.<br />• She writes in a very personal, informal style (says "you" and<br />"me" and "I'll," not "one" or "they" or "people").<br />• She asks me to think through an almost automatic process—<br />getting acquainted—to find out what else is going on and why we<br />do things a certain way.<br />• She organizes her material into visual as well as verbal explanations<br />(the list of • "bullets" that visually tell you they'll explain<br />further details of what was just said above).<br />Okay. Now you're beginning to get an idea about the style in which<br />I'll talk to you and something of the focus I'll take.<br />What next?<br />To hold you and draw you in, I need to tell you what you can expect<br />to find in these pages that will be useful to you. And I have to show you<br />that I know enough about you—and what you need—for you to stay<br />tuned.<br />WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT<br />This book is about getting what you want at work. I want to help you<br />understand what happens in a variety of work situations when you try to<br />express yourself, and to help you develop the new techniques you need<br />for being clear and getting the responses you want.<br />We'll approach communicating as a complete process involving not<br />only all of what you're about but what other people need from you to<br />listen.<br />In each aspect of your work-communication we will:<br />• Focus on another dimension: the unfamiliar one of finding out what<br />else you really want and need before you plan your strategy.<br />• Understand the hidden and predictable agendas on the other side<br />of the desk: what does the other person—the one you're communicating<br />with—want and need?<br />• Gain information about issues common to all of us: what usually gets<br />in the way as we interact at work: why effective communicating is often<br />so hard to do.<br />• Absorb some basic principles of communicating and why they work,<br />in order for you to be most effective.<br />What's the Problem?<br />• Show you it's safe to explain yourself—your true self.<br />• Help you learn to listen and hear and to see so much more.<br />• Demonstrate how to observe yourself and others through forethought;<br />gaining some new points of view and much more productive<br />goals.<br />• Learn how to prepare and design what you'll communicate.<br />• Discover alternative communication processes through practical<br />examples, showing you precisely how to put yourself and your ideas<br />across to best advantage.<br />• Practice these new techniques before you actually use them,<br />allowing you to feel comfortable as you rework your communications<br />skills.<br />Sounds ambitious? Too much to promise? We'll see.<br />But first—there's one more piece of information you need.<br />How Do I Know?<br />Just like the stranger who walked into your office and told you to<br />change how you always did something, I need to answer your next logical<br />questions: "Who are you? What do you know? Why should I believe and<br />accept your advice?"<br />I've worked as a communicator all my life, continually trying to solve<br />the puzzle of how to get people—an audience of one or many—to<br />become interested, stay tuned, and then absorb my message. Starting in<br />childhood, as a dancer and musician, creating as well as performing, the<br />challenge was to recognize that my audience doesn't know—or yet<br />care—about this message I'm burning to give them. I needed to find a<br />way, non-verbally, to get them to understand me.<br />As an adult, the challenge was first teaching the arts and then<br />working with the most difficult audience to capture—the television<br />audience. Producing, reporting on the arts, making films, hosting my<br />own talk show for ten years—the letters (and the ratings!) gave me instant<br />feedback about what works and what goes astray, even with the best of<br />intentions.<br />So I turned to look at the real world: at what happens to us in our<br />daily lives, at where and how we miss each other, and how I could add<br />HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />some clarity and new techniques to this seemingly simple, instinctive,<br />spontaneous but often unsuccessful process—communicating.<br />I started working with trial lawyers to show them how their<br />audience—the jury—sees them, what they expect, and what they need<br />in order to be persuaded. I worked with doctors on the doctor-patient<br />relationship and how to establish dialogues, not monologues, in the<br />office. With politicians, the challenge was to get past the initial cynical<br />audience response; to find ways to be credible as well as forceful,<br />interesting, and clear.<br />The business world presents its own unique challenges and that's<br />what this book is about. Whether it's my work with CEOs, with<br />executives, managers, or staff, the hardest things to do are to find out<br />what you actually want to communicate, and then, in your natural style,<br />to get others to listen and understand.<br />So—that's why I know.<br />Now, let's begin by setting the scene: Our basic communications<br />problems; how we communicate in the workplace; and how the three<br />basic work types, Achiever, Affiliator, and Influencer, operate.<br />WHY WE HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME<br />COMMUNICATING<br />As I walked into the office of one of my clients, a senior vicepresident<br />of one of America's major corporations, he said:<br />"You know, Sonya, it's incredible. I just walked out of a meeting with<br />two other executives and I still don't know if one of them really wants to<br />do this project or whether the other one even understands it yet!"<br />"What seemed to be missing?" I asked<br />"Well, I guess it's . . . the truth! Ralph just fudges whenever I ask<br />for a direct answer. I can't tell if he's simply unable to make up his mind<br />or doesn't want to tell me how he really feels. And Jim, he's so<br />competitive I think he'd never admit that he doesn't understand!"<br />Why do we keep missing each other as we try to communicate? How<br />come we end up mainly bad at it, instead of being clear and direct? What<br />has happened along the way, in our development, so that by the time we<br />get to the workplace we can no longer communicate? So much so that I'm<br />called in to work with people on the whole gamut of communicating:<br />What's the Problem?<br />showing and telling them how to explain clearly, not confusingly: how<br />not to give false messages; how not to alienate when they mean to be<br />constructive; and so on.<br />Where It Begins<br />When you were little, how often did you hear grownups say: "I don't<br />want to hear that from you," or, "Now, don't cry" or, "Control that<br />temper!"? These familiar parental phrases set up an internal conflict that<br />can have a lasting effect on how we communicate.<br />We live an interesting script as we learn to grow up. We're each born<br />with a sturdy little spirit inside, the essence of our survival, the one that<br />says, "Me, me. I want. I need." That little self-spirit sees the world<br />through one pair of eyes—its own. It pushes us to take what isn't ours;<br />to hit when we're mad; to scream when we're frustrated; to cry when<br />we're hurt or sad. At that early point our feelings have a direct pipeline<br />to what we say and do. That s how we start.<br />Our parents' job is to move us into a world where everyone's spirit is<br />telling them, "Me, me. 7 want." In order to protect us from instant<br />demolition, they have to teach us to curb and hold back, even to deny<br />our self-spirit's outburst of feelings since everyone else's self-spirit is<br />doing the very same thing at the very same time! This is the necessary<br />process of socializing, of adapting to sharing the planet with other<br />people— who also want what they want, first and instantly.<br />Socialization<br />A necessary process but harmful in the way we do it.<br />In their zeal to get us on the right survival track, parents often teach<br />us to deny rather than to modify our first and truest responses to life<br />experiences so we develop a filter an internal censor that says:<br />"Before you do anything, run that action past me. There's danger in<br />expressing yourself openly. Let's just see how that's gonna play in the big<br />world. Will you get clobbered?"<br />Now the socialization process works because most of us do grow up<br />able to survive on the planet with lots of others. But we pay a big price<br />for it.<br />That-direct line from feelings—to—action is interrupted, rerouted, and<br />detoured so often that most of us run the risk of getting out of touch with<br />the source: How we really felt and what we really wanted. To become<br />accomplished at surviving, we become good at self-deception, denial,<br />and public accommodation.<br />HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />What we get bad at is letting others or even ourselves know how we<br />really feel and what we really mean. And that's where the problem in<br />communicating begins. If we can't be in touch with how we really feel or<br />what we really want, how in the world are we going to transmit it to<br />others—at work or at home?<br />How It Develops<br />This process of detaching ourselves from our feelings starts with<br />curbing how we behave, but it really gets fine-tuned when we learn to<br />talk.<br />Example: You're a kid and you tell your mother, "I don't like Aunt<br />Agnes." What happened? You were told:<br />"That's terrible. She's your aunt! Don't you let me hear you say that<br />again!"<br />What lesson did that teach us? It didn't make us love Aunt Agnes. It<br />made us guilty and taught us the first lesson in subterfuge; "I do hate her<br />but that's bad so I'll act nice and I sure won't tell Mom about that<br />anymore."<br />Had we been given an alternative that would allow us not to like<br />Aunt Agnes and learn how to handle it, then we'd accept and deal with<br />how we felt while we learned acceptable ways to express it. We'd learn<br />to choose what to say based on relevance, on how it affects others, and<br />what our major purpose is. But we would have learned what to do with<br />the truth—hold onto it—instead of just denying it.<br />Now, this learned process of denial works well in helping to make us<br />sound civilized and acceptable to others. But it can also have the<br />counterproductive effect of totally baffling the people we're talking to.<br />Words provide so many choices, so many nuances that they enable us to<br />tiptoe our way through a host of delicate shadings that safely mask our<br />true feelings and intentions.<br />The result? What we really mean becomes open to others'<br />interpretations of what we mean. How could we expect a relative<br />stranger to stumble onto the exact inner meaning of our well-couched<br />phrases? How can we, in the busy, task-oriented world of work, expect<br />others to grope their way through our verbal smokescreens until they<br />grasp the real meaning of what we're saying?<br />Relationships<br />Friends and lovers don't fare much better. We groove our relationships<br />into well-worn paths. We talk shorthand and expect those closest to<br />What's the Problem?<br />us to understand us with much less communication than we put out for<br />those we don't know. But half the time we don't even know how to tell<br />friends or lovers what we mean!<br />The process of filtering our true thoughts and feelings long predates<br />most adult relationships. By the time we start choosing friends and<br />lovers, we're so adept at our verbal smokescreens that only a new level<br />of self-awareness plus a very conscious effort at trying to learn another set<br />of behaviors could make us change our hard-won methods of survival.<br />What We Want<br />What do we want so badly that we would interrupt and subvert<br />natural expressive processes, at such great cost, to get it?<br />Affirmation. Affection. Approval. Acceptance. Recognition. All versions<br />of love—the most basic "food." Not many of us ever experience<br />love unconditionally, with no strings attached—or ever get quite enough<br />of it. For most of us, those strings, those "You'll get it if you . . . " last for<br />our lifetime and deeply affect how we communicate.<br />So—conditional affirmation or acceptance is one of our greatest<br />filters: "If I say (or do) X, then Y will accept (reject) me . . . so I better<br />say (or do) Z and hope. . . . "<br />Affirmation/acceptance/affection/recognition can come from many<br />sources, in many guises. At work it can be a raise, a promotion with more<br />responsibility, a visibly successful project, a clap on the back from a<br />senior. It depends on what matters most to you and whose recognition or<br />what kind of accomplishment has meaning for you. But the gratification<br />of this primary need is at the very heart of the unconscious choices we<br />make as we communicate.<br />It's little wonder, then, that in those places where we have the<br />biggest personal investment, with the biggest need for return, we would<br />be the most careful and, therefore, the most withheld. Just compare how<br />much freer you feel complaining about exactly what's wrong to a<br />stranger, like a waiter, than you do to those you work or live with. For<br />many people, the more we have to lose, the worse we get at being direct<br />and explicit.<br />Therefore, as adults, it's much rarer to see people able to deal with<br />conflict or any other form of self-expression by being direct. The risk<br />seems too great.<br />So—to communicate in the workplace we need:<br />HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• To know what we really mean—inside—before it ever gets to the<br />outside world.<br />• To be able to make informed choices about what we say and how<br />we say it.<br />• To use some of that instinctive knowledge of other people we<br />picked up in our fight for survival to predict how other people<br />would respond to what we'll say.<br />• To discover the best and most productive way to put our<br />requests and to give our bad news.<br />That's the background for the problem. Now, let's focus on work<br />itself. Let's take a good hard look at how we work and why. What we<br />expect from it beyond the paycheck; where our personal investment—<br />the one that can make communicating difficult—lies.<br />WHAT MOTIVATES WORK<br />We spend three fifths of our waking hours working. During that time<br />we not only work; we deal continuously with some of the most critical<br />and stressful problems of our lives—the unresolved personal hungers we<br />try to feed in everything we say and do. We find it hard to acknowledge<br />these hungers in a work environment where the medium of exchange is<br />not feelings but tasks and accomplishments.<br />Still, those deep and ongoing personal needs continue to create a<br />noisy turmoil beneath the smooth and unreadable facade we try to<br />present in the workplace. They scare us whenever they surface into our<br />consciousness. We try to banish or conquer them for fear we will sound<br />immature or emotionally impoverished. We work hard at being sure<br />others don't know about them, trying to find acceptable ways of getting<br />what we really want. Let's look at what's going on just below the surface,<br />what hidden emotional agendas we carry that affect, even undermine our<br />ability to communicate well and freely at work.<br />Status<br />We each seek to establish our identity in the outside world through<br />relative status, based on what our society says it admires. Of course,<br />many people come up with different subsets of what's most important—<br />What's the Problem?<br />the watch, the car, the fur coat, the title, the corner office—but there are<br />some basic common denominators most everyone agrees give us status.<br />Most of the time, we look to others to give us our status, our identity,<br />measuring ourselves through the eyes of our beholders. Therefore, our<br />need for status imbues other people with power—power they don't even<br />know they have since we have secretly given it to them. This creates a<br />dependency on others, like the people we work with, and makes us see<br />them as having the power to grant or withhold esteem.<br />You also become the guardian of a secret—the secret of worrying<br />about how much respect and appreciation they're giving you, how they<br />see you, what they think of you. Consider the stress that creates in your<br />relationship with the company, your boss, your co-workers, or those who<br />work under you.<br />The need to perform in order to get and keep your sense of identity<br />places major importance—and therefore stress—around how you present<br />yourself and how you communicate who you are and what you want, to<br />those "powerful" others.<br />Usefulness<br />Feeling that we are an integral part of an ongoing process is vital to<br />all of us. It says something we all need to know—"I matter. " Knowing<br />that your contribution is real and valuable, even unique and crucial, is a<br />major issue in your daily work.<br />That sense of personal worth and contribution makes us all continue<br />to put out effort and stay committed. Without it, jobs become anonymous,<br />rote, and tedious. Because usefulness is so important to you, you<br />will keep looking for such affirmation. But it's very hard to come by since<br />everyone else is interested in themselves and what affirmation of their<br />usefulness they're getting.<br />Affection/Acceptance<br />The age-old need—to be liked, affirmed, and accepted by the<br />group—is surely vital in the workplace. We each define the "group"<br />differently, but the need remains. It stays buried at the bottom of<br />whatever seemingly serious, objective pursuit we enter into with others.<br />Though the size of the hunger and how we feed it may vary, it's a<br />basic force in all of us; so basic that babies in institutions—deprived of<br />expressions of warmth and affection—do not develop and can actually die<br />from its lack.<br />10 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />The problem is to make this hunger sound, and feel, relevant in the<br />workplace. Trying to deny this force creates a gulf between what you feel<br />and what you're willing to acknowledge and express. Therefore, how to<br />get your hunger fed, how to become more acceptable and likable<br />(something we all have some basic doubts about) confuses the supposedly<br />simple business of communicating: of asking, telling, and explaining.<br />This is especially true in the workplace, where you are among relative<br />strangers in whose hands you need to entrust such a basic need and who<br />have competing hungers of their own.<br />Money/Security<br />Money is an uncontested motivator in all societies, but we Americans<br />surely head the list. It is always more fun to get what you want when you<br />want it than merely to make do, to have to deny yourself and delay<br />gratification. But in the workplace, money symbolizes more than the<br />obvious means to an end and the reason everyone works.<br />• Making more money is a tangible, objective, and visible measure of<br />growth and success—a more concrete process than just hoping to gain<br />status in other people's eyes.<br />• Money shows your peers what your superiors think of you.<br />Therefore, the prospect of not making more—of not being given the<br />raise, the bonus, the obvious proof of a job well done—seems like a<br />concrete rejection and creates fear and anxiety.<br />• Making less money or none is the biggest fear you have. The<br />prospect of losing your job and its attendant, unthinkable consequences<br />is one of the biggest factors affecting how you communicate on the job.<br />You know, as I write this, I imagine you reading it. I hear some of<br />you thinking: "Hmm, you know, that's really true." But I also imagine<br />others thinking: "Mm,mm—nope. You haven't got me."<br />The fact is that these are very basic motivational forces but they're<br />also broad generalizations. They're intrinsically true for all of us, but one<br />or another need is much more important to each of us, so it may be hard<br />for you to identify with all of them. But there are other reasons why you<br />may not readily be able to identify with these motivators:<br />• Denial, Perhaps you've spent your whole working life trying to<br />deny them, burying them deep so they don't interfere with the seeming<br />What's the Problem? 11<br />outward coolness and businesslike approach of the workplace. Probably<br />even before working, you had already developed a pretty good sense of<br />what's seemly and unseemly, of what you show in public and in private.<br />So to dredge up your innermost drives and fears at this stage and then to<br />confront and relate to them may be a bit uncomfortable.<br />• Men vs. women. Historically, our culture has differentiated between<br />how men vs. women have been allowed to acknowledge feelings.<br />Women have always been given an edge here. So, for men particularly,<br />these considerations have been kept alien indeed, especially by their<br />role models in the workplace. While some of us grow up comfortable<br />with confronting our conscious (and unconscious) feelings, some of us—<br />men, and women, too—have a hard time getting in close touch with<br />them. Asking you to do that now seems alien and uncomfortable, like<br />talking a foreign language. You don't recognize feelings since you've held<br />them at bay for so long.<br />• Work personalities. Another factor that makes it difficult to accept<br />the existence of such motivating forces as Status, Usefulness, Affection,<br />and the deeper meanings of Money is the fact that we all develop<br />different work personalities, based on which personal needs are most<br />important to us.<br />'Achieving, Affiliating, or Influencing are the basic motivations that<br />shape our styles and personalities at work (described in detail later in this<br />chapter). Depending on which are your dominant motivators—concrete<br />achievement or personal affiliation or influence and power—the needs<br />for Affection, Status, Usefulness, Recognition, Affirmation, or Money<br />will each be weighed with greater or lesser meaning.<br />Since the goal of this book is to put you in touch with yourself and<br />with your co-workers to discover how and why we all communicate as we<br />do and how to do it better, it's important to gain some general<br />information about how all of us operate. So let's continue with more of<br />our basic work habits.<br />What do we all do to keep each other from knowing about our inner<br />needs and motivators? We design a public image to make us look like<br />we're fine, have no problems, are in control and strong and certainly not<br />needy. We want to look independent and self-sufficient, in control. Let's<br />see how, and if, it works.<br />12 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />OUR PUBLIC IMAGE<br />What Works, What Doesn't and Why<br />"Hi, how's it going?"<br />"Great."<br />"Can you get this to me by four?"<br />"Sure, no problem."<br />"Okay. Now you understand what I want, right?"<br />"Yes. Sure. Of course I understand."<br />Sound familiar? Do any of these answers usually describe what's<br />really going on? Or aren't these the answers we give because we'd like<br />them to be true, they're supposed to be true, and, most of all, we think<br />that's what the other person wants to hear?<br />What am I prescribing instead? Describe what insoluble obstacles<br />you've hit the next time someone asks you how the project is going? Tell<br />your co-worker that you can't figure out how to—or just won't—get it to<br />him or her by four?<br />Sounds like you'd be admitting weakness or ineptitude if you did<br />that? Pretty self-destructive, right?<br />Wrong! Isn't it more destructive to deny yourself and your coworkers<br />the opportunity to deal with reality? Isn't it constructive and<br />much more efficient to explain what the problems really are, what's not<br />working, and then find a realistic solution together?<br />If the job isn't getting done well, your fear of being honest and<br />therefore vulnerable to imagined rejection or criticism can make you<br />experience stress and still not solve the problem. What are the possible<br />consequences?<br />• You may do a less than satisfactory job.<br />• You may not meet a deadline.<br />• You may take out your frustration on the people who work for you.<br />All because you couldn't find a way to deal with and communicate<br />the truth constructively.<br />Wearing a public image that looks like "I'm totally competent at all<br />times—I know what I'm doing—I'm nice, cooperative, and always in<br />control" traps you in a bind that can actually hinder your work and<br />diminish your competence. You may spend so much energy continually<br />shoring up this artificial image and filling in the cracks that you have less<br />to give to the actual business of working.<br />What's the Problem? 13<br />And you know those others? The strangers? The ones who've got it<br />made, who have convinced you with their public image that none of your<br />concerns apply to them? They're going through exactly the same thing!<br />The same inner-outer conflict and the same fears that you'll find them out!<br />What's the bottom line, then? How can we get to a place where we<br />express ourself as an integrated person? How do we become free enough<br />to tune into our personal message and skilled and confident enough to<br />get that message across to others, clearly and persuasively?<br />What We Already Know<br />One key to better communication is awareness and discovery. Awareness<br />of what's already there and discovery of what you've never noticed<br />before, in yourself and in others. It's looking for what connects us.<br />In some respects, you're really an expert on your opposite number,<br />your co-workers. Since we all start with the common denominator of<br />being vulnerable, needy human beings, we're all eminently able to know<br />and understand these elements in each other. At work we add the<br />commonality of sharing specific and unique experiences, known only to<br />those who work together.<br />This means that the knowledge to start solving the problem of how<br />to say what you mean so others listen, understand, and get convinced is<br />already there. You own it. The blinders that get in the way are forgetting<br />how potentially connected we all are, despite our uniqueness.<br />There are also, of course, differences between us. Mankind is a<br />theme with endless variations. But the ability to understand, recognize,<br />and diagnose these differences is the other key to better communication.<br />Recognizing and understanding human differences helps you change and<br />adapt your communication style. Adjusting your communication behavior<br />to account for the needs of others gives you the kind of personal<br />power that makes you more effective at work and in life, generally.<br />With this in mind, let's take a look at the basic work personalities to<br />further define and understand who we are at work and how we operate.<br />BASIC WORK PERSONALITIES<br />ACHIEVERS AFFILIATORS INFLUENCERS<br />We each have a dominant set of motivations that shape how we<br />work—based on what matters most to us and what seems the best way to<br />achieve the gratification of our inner desires.<br />14 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Our motivational priorities are established in succeeding waves of<br />learning what is admired and rewarded:<br />• First by our families,<br />• Then by our peers,<br />• Finally by society at large.<br />Our techniques for striving and achieving are developed from role<br />models, innate talents, and life experiences. We give relative and<br />changing importance to these influences as they occur and as we mature.<br />The end result is:<br />• Some of us buy the whole external influence package and strive<br />toward what others indicate is valuable and successful.<br />• Others become anti-players, purposely defying that which is set<br />out for them.<br />• Still others turn inward to hear and follow their own set of voices.<br />We respond to our dominant set of motivations by behaving in ways<br />that feed them. This behavior becomes most apparent in the way we<br />work and exercise our ability to direct others and relate to them.<br />Research has shown that in the workplace there are three distinctly<br />different personality types with distinctly different work and management<br />styles.*<br />Achievers<br />Fitting theme song: "Climb Every Mountain."<br />These are internally motivated people with high, self-set standards<br />and goals. Uppermost for them is accomplishment. Although we all feel<br />we have an achievement motive, research indicates that about 10 percent<br />of the population is strongly motivated by achievement. We find many<br />Achievers in positions of business management.<br />• Achievers like situations in which they take personal responsibility<br />for finding solutions to problems. They tend not to seek<br />advice or help except from experts who can provide needed<br />skills.<br />• They tend to set moderate achievement goals, attainable with<br />hard work and ability.<br />* The following discussion of motivation and personality is based on the published work of<br />Harvard Professor David McClelland.<br />What's the Problem? 15<br />• They take calculated risks, preferring to work on the outcome<br />rather than leave it to chance.<br />• They want concrete feedback on how well they're doing.<br />• They're quite accustomed to having the task itself be enough<br />motivation for them; concepts about persuasiveness and motivating<br />others don't naturally occur to them.<br />• Communication is often little more than a one-way street for<br />Achievers, related to explaining what needs to get done. They're<br />so strongly goal-oriented that when they look across the desk,<br />the people they see may simply appear as implementors of the<br />tasks assigned, not as multi-dimensional, fallible, needy individuals.<br />• Entrepreneurs tend to be classic Achievers.<br />To the outside world, Achievers can look insensitive and unfeeling.<br />Not true. They just work from a different set of motivations than many of<br />us; the software of human consideration and understanding doesn't<br />always seem to be part of their concept of work. Achievers are hard<br />taskmasters for themselves and therefore bring the same demanding<br />standards to others with whom they work.<br />Considerations such as "Do you like me?" are usually beside the<br />point for Achievers, though this varies. They give themselves love when<br />they accomplish. An extension of that is to have others know of and<br />acknowledge their accomplishments. Achievement is where they find<br />their identity and feel their usefulness. Money may be regarded as a<br />further affirmation of their ability to achieve.<br />Affiliators<br />Fitting theme song: "People Who Need People."<br />Affiliators care about belonging, relating, how others treat them.<br />This is such a high-priority item that it is factored into all the choices they<br />make about how they do their jobs.<br />• They need to gain confirmation for their own beliefs from others.<br />• They would rather be part of a group than be, or work, alone.<br />• They want and need to be liked and expend great effort to be<br />sure that happens.<br />• They prefer conciliation, dislike conflict, and try to find ways to<br />smooth things out.<br />16 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• They like to cooperate and help others, wanting to be liked in<br />return.<br />• Willy Loman, the salesman in Arthur Miller's play Death of a<br />Salesman, was, among other things, an Affiliator.<br />Studies have shown that people with strong affiliative needs are often<br />well suited for jobs that involve people: outreach, coordinating projects,<br />integrating diverse points of view, mediating conflicts, motivating teams.<br />They are good at sales jobs that require cultivating and maintaining<br />long-term relationships.<br />The high need for affiliation does create problems in decision<br />making, however, since the need to be liked makes them shy away from<br />unpopular choices. They can therefore run a less efficient department<br />than those with more moderate people-needs.<br />Influencers<br />Fitting theme song (adapted): "They Did It My Way."<br />This category has a semantics problem. We get very judgmental<br />around the words "power" and "influence." They sound underhanded<br />and manipulative—less than pure—and we generally feel uneasy or<br />negative about them. In order to understand this motivational category,<br />we need to look at the influence concept from two points of view:<br />personal power or influence and socialized or institutional power or<br />influence.<br />• Personalized power is linked to controlling or influencing others for<br />the sake of one's own impact on them as individuals.<br />• Socialized power deals with leadership of groups such as institutions,<br />business organizations, or even social movements. It deals with<br />inspiring co-workers symbolically and collaboratively to reach for higher<br />goals in support of an organization. It means using power as a leader to<br />strengthen subordinates' beliefs in themselves and in their competence<br />to contribute to an organization's success.<br />Given these two different manifestations of the influence or power<br />motive, we can now examine a basic set of behavior traits'to describe the<br />Influencer.<br />• Influencers want to obtain and exercise power and authority.<br />What's the Problem? 17<br />• They look for positions where they are the ultimate authority or<br />can make a highly visible impact.<br />• They are not as interested as Achievers are in figuring out how<br />to make something work. They care more for making an impact<br />and influencing others to make something work.<br />• Unlike Affiliators, who are dependent on other people for<br />approval, Influencers don't worry quite so much about their<br />critics. They know better who they are and what they want. They<br />are solid in their moves, with few apologies.<br />• Influencers are self-confident. They have very clear goals, and<br />have worked out their rationale, which includes the organizational<br />or institutional accomplishments they often could foster<br />with their power.<br />• Loyalty evoked by personalized Influencers is generally of the<br />kind we associate with a charismatic leader.<br />• Loyalty evoked by socialized Influencers tends to be more<br />attached to the team, the task, or institution.<br />Studies comparing personalized-power managers with socializedpower<br />managers found the latter to be more effective.<br />It might help to compare behavior patterns between all three work<br />types. For example, the kinds of self-help books they would read:<br />• Achievers would read books with sixteen choices about how to do<br />something and what makes any of them work, so they could gather the<br />information and make their own individualistic decision about which way<br />is best to accomplish their task.<br />• Affiliators wouldn't like that many choices. They want more<br />consensus in their thinking. Therefore they would like the most popular<br />how-to books to make them more successful from a currently accepted<br />point of view.<br />• Influencers would have less interest in either of these types of<br />books, since neither speaks to their desire for impact on a situation and<br />its constituents. They would read historical biographies of strong,<br />successful charismatic leaders and what made them effective.<br />What about sports?<br />• Achievers would prefer individual sports like golf, so they could<br />compare their scores with par or what they did last time. It would give<br />18 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />them both feedback and a specific goal to shoot for. They would surely go<br />for the club championship.<br />• Affiliators would prefer team sports or tennis, but might have a<br />hard time fighting for a position or beating a friend. They would have<br />plenty of team spirit and probably be president of the country club.<br />• Influencers would like any team sport if they could be the coach,<br />captain, or manager.<br />A comparison that can help differentiate the communication styles of<br />these three types is to look at recent American presidents from a<br />motivational standpoint. Can you quickly name the presidential<br />Achiever, Affiliator, and Influencer of the last twenty-five years?<br />Wouldn't you pick John F. Kennedy as the Achiever, Gerald Ford as<br />the Affiliator, and Ronald Reagan as the Influencer?<br />Now, before we get too rigid, none of us is only one type. As strong<br />as the primary motivation may be, other factors also shape our behavior.<br />We can all find traces, or even large doses, of all three basic motivations<br />in our make-up and behavior.<br />Therefore, use each motivation category for quick and easy identification,<br />but always with an eye on where there are spillovers from the<br />others. They can help you predict behavior and understand your fellow<br />workers. I will use them as a kind of behavioral shorthand throughout the<br />book.<br />Using the Work Types<br />As you read about these three types, I'm sure you not only looked for<br />and characterized yourself but did an instant search for the people you<br />work with—those above you, your peers, and your subordinates. And<br />didn't it help to explain or give some consistency to the sometimes<br />inexplicable behavior you've seen?<br />Understanding these personalities—what they want and how they<br />act it out at work—will give you a handle on how to formulate a strategy<br />for dealing with them.<br />Notice and Recognize<br />Watching and connecting clusters of behavior with this new categorized<br />set of insights starts you on the road to developing a menu for<br />What's the Problem? 19<br />dealing with your colleagues at work. As you define each type, you'll<br />know whether to choose from Column A, B, or C of your newly gained<br />communication skills and strategies to be most effective with that<br />specifically motivated person.<br />The next step is harder.<br />Suspend Judgment<br />A given type may be vastly different from you but, if you can get past<br />"I hate that" and "What a cold (cruel, bullying, weak, stubborn) way to<br />be," you will be able to move into action that suits your needs and solves<br />your problems.<br />The steps after these two are what the rest of the book is about. But<br />before we go on, there is one more issue to discuss:<br />Most managers in our business world are Achievers.<br />A Predominance of Achievers<br />Achieving is the predominant behavioral mode taught at America's<br />business schools; most top management in America's corporations reflects<br />this approach. Since business management teaching had its origins<br />in the engineering schools, it's not surprising that the approach to people<br />is basically task-centered and technical, focusing on the mechanics of how<br />to get the job done efficiently and dispassionately, more than on the<br />people who do it.<br />Although the typical executive is an Achiever and this is the accepted<br />mode in a corporate culture, there are Affiliators and Influencers in<br />executive roles, too, as well as in the middle and lower echelons.<br />A giant step toward developing better communication in the workplace<br />occurs when Achievers (the majority) recognize and accept the<br />skills and behavioral orientations of Affiliators and Influencers (minorities)<br />as being other valid ways of doing business and useful adjuncts to<br />existing styles, with their own unique strengths.<br />You must know all the keys to play to be the best in your field and<br />at your job. Recognizing, accepting, and learning to deal with all three<br />types and their unique drives makes for the most effective communication<br />at work.<br />This means developing skills and mastering behaviors that may (at<br />first) work against your basic instincts and personal style but with<br />someone else's. Sounds manipulative? If "manipulative" means choosing<br />20 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />the best techniques to persuade and convince so you can achieve your<br />goals, what aspect of human relations is not? And besides, what do you<br />think the other guy is doing?<br />To learn more about how we do this—what the basic communications<br />processes are, how they work, and why—let's move on.<br />THE BASICS OF<br />COMMUNICATING<br />Why and How People Listen<br />Imagine for a moment that you're preparing to make a presentation<br />about an important project in which you have a large stake. How do you<br />start planning for it?<br />Don't you start from "I"? "I'll begin by . . ." "Then I'll tell them . . ."<br />"Them" doesn't really enter into it except as the recipients of what you're<br />planning to do. And that's one of the major problems in getting others to<br />listen.<br />Most of us think of "communicating" as a one-way process. We get<br />all involved in what we're saying, how we're saying it, what choices we<br />should make to communicate it better. But, in our zeal to achieve our<br />goal and get our message across to others, we forget that at the other end<br />of our message is an "other"—someone with his own goals, his own zeal,<br />and his own concerns. These often do not coincide with ours, especially<br />at the outset of something we alone have dreamed up to say.<br />TELLING AND LISTENING<br />The One-Sided Nature of Telling<br />Perhaps the greatest single stumbling block to real communication is<br />the one-sided nature of telling. The first person—very singular—talking<br />from one point of view.<br />Truly effective communication can't be a monologue in which only<br />the sender is at work. To persuade, inform, or change the listener, both<br />parties—the teller and the receiver (be it one or many)—must be<br />21<br />22 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />actively involved. So, true communication must be a dialogue, an<br />exchange between you and your receiver. Two (or more) people actively<br />engaged in the same pursuit.<br />Now I can hear you saying, "Wait a minute—no dialogue! I want<br />them to keep quiet and listen to me! I don't want equal participation,<br />especially when I present my idea." Right. That's what you want. You<br />talk and they listen. Seems simple: You have something to say, so you<br />talk. The hard part is ". . . and they listen." Think about it. Why should<br />they? What would make them want to join in your plan?<br />The real challenge is to get them to listen by making them actively<br />want to.<br />Listening Is Work<br />Listening is an active pursuit. It's demanding, hard work. Most of all,<br />when someone is truly listening, it takes time away from the listener's<br />most important focus—himself.<br />Normally our commitment and attention space is taken up by our<br />own concerns. We have absolutely no reason, at the outset, to give you<br />any of our valuable attention—like stopping to listen. But unless you can<br />get both of you (sender and receivers) equally involved—one giving, the<br />other getting—you may as well deliver your idea or request to the<br />bathroom mirror, where you practiced it.<br />So what's the answer?<br />Motivation<br />Making the listener want to hear you is primary.<br />Right. But now that you think about it, why would someone else<br />spontaneously get interested in your vested stuff? You'd need a propellant—<br />something that could make a difference, something that could<br />actively turn your audience to your pursuit and away from theirs. What?<br />When what you have to say clearly intersects with what the other<br />person wants or needs or cares about.<br />If your message obviously relates to one or more of the listener's "hot<br />buttons," you have given a primary, compelling reason for listening.<br />You're not actually demanding that he/she give up self-involvement.<br />You're just piggy-backing on some part of the listener's own momentum;<br />his/her self-involvement. You're defining your message as another facet<br />of his or her ongoing life concerns.<br />The Basics of Communicating 23<br />Simply put, understanding your listener's needs is the bottom<br />line.<br />WHAT MAKES PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Three basic factors shape the answer to every potential listener's<br />challenging unspoken question: "Why should I listen?"<br />• Self-Interest<br />• Who's Telling<br />• How They Tell It<br />Self-Interest<br />Let's not get too theoretical. Since you belong to the same species as<br />your potential listeners, to figure out what basically motivates them,<br />think about yourself for a moment. What, really, deep down is the prime<br />motivator that pushes you to do whatever you do—not just listen?<br />It's that little self-spirit you were born with, the one I mentioned in<br />Chapter 1, the one that went underground but that never really went<br />away as your parents helped you get socialized.<br />Think about yourselves. Isn't self-interest at the center of what<br />makes you, all of us, tick? It motivates you to want, to pursue, to be<br />attracted to anything that looks like it's practical, fulfilling, enriching, or<br />helpful for you. And it never works if someone else simply tells you it's<br />good for you. You have to see its applicability for yourself.<br />Sometimes you even get attracted to what you've learned you<br />shouldn't do, because other self-interest components (pleasure; revolt<br />against the rules; "just this once "; to heck with the other guy) outweigh<br />what the head and the conscience try to restrict.<br />Gratifying one's self-interest is an instinct that motivates us without<br />even needing to come to the conscious surface too often.<br />Test yourself. What makes you listen or pay attention?<br />Examples:<br />• The newspaper. What do you read first and why? What gets you<br />past the headlines? What gets you to turn to the follow-up page? Isn't it<br />24 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />that you think: "I want to know that. I need to know that. I've never<br />heard of that." It all has to do with fulfilling various needs of "I."<br />• The weekend. What do you find yourself doing? Obviously, with<br />choices, you go for the juiciest version of what you like best. But what<br />about the seemingly negative decisions like going somewhere you'd<br />rather not? If others want to go, and it means keeping peace with friend<br />or family, you weigh your personal first choice against what the other<br />issues are and decide on which self-interest is best served. True? Then<br />you either acquiesce and go, for peace, or decide the wrath is worth<br />enduring and stay. But both are filtered first through what's good for<br />you.<br />• At work. Who do you call back and how quickly? Which assignments<br />do you finish first? What stimulates you to learn something new?<br />It all revolves around the same motivation:<br />Self-interest.<br />People mostly do what they want to do.<br />Therefore: To create an attentive, willing audience, to involve<br />people in that dialogue I mentioned, you first need to direct your<br />self-interest beam to shine on the dark recesses of another's self-interest.<br />You need to learn enough about your audience to discover their<br />self-interest, their needs, their motivations, in order to get them willing<br />to listen to you.<br />Too often we send our messages c/o General Delivery. Unless you<br />can point your communique toward your unique audience—specific<br />addressees who will become involved in hearing, absorbing, and accepting<br />that message—it's a space shot with no destination.<br />And it's not that difficult to do. At work, much of the learning about<br />your audience has come from your already sharing so many common<br />experiences. Not just the basic human factors like eating lunch, wanting<br />a raise, fear of being fired and/or a wish for status and attention, but the<br />ongoing reality that you work together.<br />• You both share a common workplace culture.<br />• You both know the mechanics of how to get things done there (if<br />not all the same nuances).<br />• You both interact with the same cast of characters.<br />• You're exposed to each other more hours in the day than to any<br />member of your family or friends, by a lot.<br />The Basics of Communicating 25<br />Therefore, you already have an inside track on your co-worker's<br />self-interest. So the upshot is that the number-one way to get people to<br />listen is to discover and show what's in it for them. It's to let them know<br />that you understand their self-interest by focusing on their point of view<br />at the start. Before you tell them about yours. That will motivate them<br />to tune in.<br />Who's Telling<br />The next factor that makes people listen is how they perceive the<br />teller. Needing to know who's telling is built into the nature of listening<br />itself.<br />When you listen, you give power to another. Although the power<br />may be temporary and you keep an active internal debate going inside as<br />you listen, basically you're in a passive state. Something is being done to<br />you. You're not in control—yet.<br />So listening is a big gift, given to the teller by the receiver.<br />Therefore, who's "doing it to you," who's getting your gift, matters<br />mightily.<br />Trust is, and always has been, a hard-won commodity, not freely<br />given. Societies have always devised tests for "friend or foe." For<br />example, do you know the origin of a salute? Why the right hand at the<br />brow? It comes from medieval times when men in armor lifted their<br />visors with an empty right hand to show who they were and that they had<br />no weapon. And we still do it: We shake right hands and make eye<br />contact as we great each other.<br />So—whether it was showing the face or knowing the password,<br />before a person was welcomed into our midst the first encounter had to<br />establish his credentials, showing us who he was and how he meant to<br />relate to us. (That's why I introduced myself to you on page one of<br />Chapter 1. It was my verbal handshake—asking you to trust me enough<br />to become your "teller.")<br />Instinctively, we have always been wary of others, needing to know<br />what their intentions are and what to expect before we let them in. We're<br />still wary of others today. When someone says, "Give me the power to<br />tell you, to sell you, to hold sway while you listen," our instincts are still<br />alert. We're still asking:<br />"Friend or foe?"<br />"Are you for me?"<br />26 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />"Useful to me?"<br />"Trustworthy?"<br />"What happens if I let you in?"<br />To answer, we test. We pick up signals, based first of all on our<br />instincts, life experiences, and preferences. This always comes before we<br />confer the mantle on whom we trust or admire, and who's worthy of our<br />attention. We test in two ways:<br />• First we notice and respond instinctively to personal style: how<br />the teller strikes us, person to person.<br />• Then we shore that up by intellectually considering some<br />hard-nosed questions about who this person is and how he/she<br />relates to our lives.<br />(Notice how this also follows the order in which I introduced myself,<br />the contents of the book, and my credentials to you at the beginning.)<br />Personal Style<br />Who do you like to listen to and who do you resist—whether in a<br />formal presentation, at a meeting, or one-on-one? Could you list some<br />basic characteristics that always attract you? What adjectives come to<br />mind? Look at this list of readily identifiable personal qualities, to see if<br />you find your preferences among them:<br />warm<br />friendly<br />interesting<br />organized<br />confident<br />open<br />honest<br />exciting<br />knowledgeable<br />creative<br />inspiring<br />authentic<br />Now think about the quick turn-off qualities you've encountered in<br />speakers or tellers. Perhaps:<br />pompous<br />unenergized<br />patronizing<br />formal<br />stuffy<br />hyper-intense<br />vague<br />complex<br />unsure<br />irrelevant<br />monotonous<br />nervous<br />closed synthetic<br />The Basics of Communicating 27<br />Depending on whether you're basically an Achiever, an Affiliator, or<br />an Influencer, your preference and peeves will vary somewhat. But even<br />within those variations the first list has appeal and the second list does<br />not. Why?<br />Certain basic personal qualities immediately capture us and make us<br />want to spend time with you or listen to your message. This response is<br />rooted in how you make us, your listeners, feel, as well as in what climate<br />your personal qualities create between us.<br />Positive Qualities<br />Consider the qualities on the first list:<br />• Warm, friendly, honest, open put us at ease. They actively invite us<br />to get closer, creating an environment in which we can relax our guard<br />and relate more directly and openly. These qualities are usually a<br />surprise, a welcome alternative to the guarded way most of us behave.<br />We basically envy and are drawn to the teller because most of us haven't<br />learned to express warmth, friendliness, honesty, or openness very<br />directly or easily, although we respond to them with pleasure. We also<br />sense how comfortable one must be within oneself to behave in such an<br />uncluttered way.<br />• Exciting, creative, and interesting promise pleasure and make us<br />lose ourselves in a feeling of anticipation and a curiosity about what<br />comes next.<br />• Knowledgeable and/or confident are very reassuring. Since the<br />speaker has obviously done his/her homework, we listen with trust and<br />the assumption that listening will be both beneficial and definitive.<br />• Organized satisfies the brain's need for order and logic delivered in<br />the format of how we learn best. As we listen, awash in a sea of words and<br />ideas, we need to see, hear, and imagine the structure that underlies the<br />message in order to get it and remember it.<br />• Authentic gives us confidence that what we see is indeed what we<br />get, that we're down to bedrock: this is a truthful person speaking,<br />without subterfuge.<br />• Inspiring appeals to our deeply rooted willingness to follow a leader<br />or rise above our own thoughts to absorb another's enthusiasm and<br />innovation.<br />28 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Whatever combination of these qualities we perceive, any one of<br />them can cause us to begin giving center stage away to become a willing<br />and interested listener.<br />Negative Qualities<br />The negative qualities in the second list have one thing in common:<br />They make us uncomfortable.<br />By evoking certain responses in us, they create an environment in<br />which we want to find a way out of listening further to such a person.<br />• Formal and stuffy styles show us someone operating from a rigid set<br />of rules unrelated to the situation at hand. The speaker's greatest effort<br />seems to be spent not on genuine outreach to us but on hiding behind<br />prescribed and learned behavior, dictated by anonymous otht?s before<br />we ever got there.<br />• Closed and synthetic are worrisome. Who is this person? How can<br />I predict anything about what he/she really means, feels, believes in?<br />• Pompous behavior tries to set the teller apart and a step or two<br />above the listener. This creates two problems. First: the listener<br />questions who put him/her up there and on what evidence. Second: who<br />automatically wants to look up to someone before you yourself have<br />designated him/her worthy?<br />• Monotonous tellers turn our already passive state into one of torpor.<br />Remember the nature of listening: it takes work to keep our attention,<br />since we're not doing anything active. Being trapped by dull usurpers of<br />our time makes us look for the nearest escape hatch—tuning out.<br />• Unenergized makes us mad. If you move into my life but don't feel<br />I'm worth much effort, you've betrayed my allowing you to enter. How<br />can you ask for any of my time and attention and not give me the most<br />of yourself-—a full-fledged commitment to making me listen and understand?<br />• Vague or complex explainers create anxiety in the listener. We hate<br />to know we don't understand. A teller who confuses or doesn't help us<br />"get it" betrays the first moments of trust we gave him free, while we<br />were doing our absorbing and deciding.<br />The Basics of Communicating 29<br />• Irrelevant messages betray the first rule of getting people to<br />listen—one's own self-interest. Who needs to hear something that<br />matters only to someone else, or maybe not even that?<br />• Patronizing is insulting. If you, the teller, know that we don't know,<br />and ask to tell us, you should be in the position of sharing riches, not<br />berating us for not having them yet.<br />• Unsure or nervous behavior makes us really uncomfortable! Since<br />we've all been there and hated it, we recognize it and feel it keenly when<br />we see it in others and can't bear to watch it. Also—if you're not sure of<br />your material or position, how can you ask me to get involved? I'm flying<br />blind!<br />• Hyper-intense starts us out at too high a level. Such a person is<br />already at a gallop while we—the blank-slate audience—can only begin<br />with a walk. It presumes the same level of passion and information on the<br />part of the listener that the teller has, without working on the gradual<br />development that might get us there.<br />Obviously these are only primary-color descriptions, thumbnail<br />sketches of the much more complex personal styles each of us develops<br />and gives off when we communicate, whether to one or many. But they<br />serve to help us analyze the process by which people who are asked to<br />listen, respond; to become aware of what listeners perceive, how it<br />affects them, and why they willingly listen to some and not to others.<br />Since we operate on a primal, instinctual level first, these basic<br />personal-quality perceptions are in the first line of resistance, the first<br />things we notice and respond to. We do it viscerally, instinctively,<br />without thinking, before we go on.<br />But on we do go. That highly developed brain doesn't like to take a<br />back seat for too long. So we come to the second part of what we do when<br />we ask ourselves "Who's Telling?" We move up from the gut instinct and<br />engage the brain in considering the request for a willing listener, for an<br />audience.<br />Are You Enough?<br />Based on the individual situation, and whether one is basically an<br />Achiever, Affiliator, or Influencer, a series of subconscious questions<br />determine whether the proposed talker has enough credentials to<br />command our attention:<br />30 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Do you know what I want (need) to know?<br />• Do I like or admire you already?<br />• Can I trust you?<br />• Am I usually comfortable with you?<br />• How can or do you affect my life?<br />• What's my past experience with you?<br />• Are you reasonable (negotiable, rigid, stubborn)?<br />• What (or whom) do you represent?<br />Each of us asks: Is this my version of what a leader (expert, staff<br />member, co-worker) should be and how one should behave?<br />Look at the list again. What else would you add? What are your<br />hidden questions about "Who's Telling?" Those you don't really need to<br />bring to the conscious surface but that color and filter how you receive<br />information and enter into a dialogue? Think about them a moment,<br />consciously.<br />Can you see how your resistant, wary "tests" and the opinions you<br />form—often in advance—could shape the outcome of any communication<br />directed at you? That they would shape the way you would listen as well<br />as if you would listen.<br />Instinct Plus Thought = Decision<br />The process of deciding "Who's Telling?" has two parts: visceral and<br />cerebral. But they're not distinct and separate. Although you bring your<br />head into it, all the cerebral answers depend on and are filtered through<br />your feelings.<br />Most of us don't consciously think first. We feel first. We like, trust,<br />believe, follow because our sensory antennae tell our heads we should.<br />Instincts were there before our earliest learned material. Dealing<br />with basic survival, this subconscious system puts up the first row of<br />defense and danger signals as we deal with the world. First comes STOP,<br />LOOK, LISTEN. Then comes THINK ABOUT IT.<br />Now, listening is hardly life-threatening, but the visceral evaluation<br />system for people's behavior is in place and we use it everywhere.<br />Therefore, our sensitive instincts "process' who's trying to tell us<br />something and how we feel about them. And about their message. Then<br />our business head starts operating, adding and weighing hard information.<br />It's the combination of the two that gets us to listen and satisfies our<br />wish to qualify the bearer of the message.<br />The Basics of Communicating 31<br />Know that before you get to your message—and after you establish<br />their self-interest in listening—you must "lift your visor." You must let<br />your audience of one or many see (or feel) who you are, or at least some<br />pertinent aspect of who you are, and what you intend. And if you don't<br />do it consciously, they'll do it for you. They're looking for labels and<br />categories, for recognizable signals seen through your personal approach<br />to them and your task, that help them know "Who's Telling?"<br />How They Tell It<br />The third reason people listen is technique. Style and technique have<br />become the principal determinants of whether or not we sell or tell<br />anything successfully today. Rather than bemoan that fact and say, "The<br />validity or purity of the message itself should be the central core," let's<br />deal with what is and understand it better: What techniques work to get<br />a message across these days?<br />How Communication Has Changed<br />I say "these days" because the way we communicate—how we give<br />and get information—has been permanently changed in this half of the<br />twentieth century. Our new ingredient?<br />Television.<br />Mass imparting of information visually, with words a secondary<br />adjunct.<br />Now visually transmitting information is not new. From the prehistoric<br />cave painters to the sculptors of old who told the masses about<br />religion before they could read, we have always found the visual image<br />the most arresting and the most instantly eloquent. In all other times,<br />visual images were evocative, designed to trigger the imagination and<br />emotions of the viewer. But viewing them required work. Commitment.<br />Response. Rapt attention and personal participation to make the pictures<br />or statues be eloquent and to receive their message.<br />Words, too, used to require effort. To listen and understand, to wait<br />until the end, demanded something from the listener: The willingness to<br />follow someone else's unique style and pace, and then to sort out the<br />ideas and what the words really meant, on one's own.<br />That's how it was. But not now.<br />Not since television.<br />The two major differences between how we used to use visual<br />32 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />information and words and how that's changed involve passivity and<br />pace.<br />To see what makes this true and to discover the effect television has<br />had on us both psychologically and in how we communicate, and then to<br />assess the implications this has for you in your workplace, let's look back<br />at the last hundred years.<br />How It Used to Be<br />We used to want to listen—and to read. We delighted in words.<br />They were our major means of exchange. Written language and skillful<br />orators were sources of pleasure. Family entertainment meant reading<br />aloud in the evening. Elocution teachers were the rage. People recited<br />(even wrote) poetry to express their deepest emotions. And we loved to<br />read; to go inside ourselves quietly, let someone spin a web, and take us<br />with them. Slowly. To let our imaginations take off from the springboard<br />of another's words and do the rest ourselves.<br />This reflected the rhythm and phrasing of our lives then. Listening<br />and words took time. And time ticked at a clippety-clop pace, in tune<br />with how we lived. The world went by slowly, seen on foot or courtesy<br />of a horse, touching all our senses.<br />Every household chore took time.<br />Going for the doctor took time.<br />Crafting things by hand took time.<br />Getting information from afar took lots of time.<br />So we were accustomed to waiting until we got what we wanted. We<br />could wait to hear the whole story. We actually enjoyed the detours and<br />nuances that someone "telling" could provide—the little asides, the<br />descriptive phrases that triggered our imagination to hum along and<br />become an active part of the story ourselves.<br />Our very lives were lived with more commitment and effort. We<br />were used to—and willing to—go more than halfway to get what we<br />wanted. We didn't depend as much on external help to make our lives<br />better. We developed self-reliant skills and actively pursued what we<br />wanted, knowing it would never just come to us. And that was reflected<br />in how we communicated, too.<br />But time passed and the world and its timing changed.<br />We saw our landscape speeding by from the windows of our cars,<br />tightly rolled up.<br />Airplanes distorted our natural world into a geometric collage, where<br />time measured the reward of getting there fast, and earthly wonders, the<br />old realities, increasingly became abstractions.<br />The Basics of Communicating 33<br />Technological marvels gave us control over accepted reality. Objects<br />and images—visually magnified, distorted, shown inside out—presented<br />new insights, changing forever how we saw and thought about the<br />tangible real world.<br />Machines took over our household chores—leaving us extra, discretionary<br />time.<br />We could phone the doctor—more efficient.<br />Machine-made, mass-produced goods gave us what we needed or<br />wanted—fast. Goods that were anonymous—and just like everyone<br />else's.<br />The world got smaller for us, courtesy of unseen hands delivering<br />more services. Mechanically.<br />We became a "massed society."<br />The new watchword was quantity, not quality.<br />Product, not process or substance.<br />The what—not the how.<br />Little wonder that television would evolve. It filled so many of our<br />newfound needs.<br />• Instant gratification.<br />• Pleasure without personal effort.<br />• Understanding just enough without wasting time.<br />• Group consensus about lifestyles and values.<br />• Getting what we need to know to keep pace.<br />That's the key word—pace.<br />The rhythm of life has changed forever. With that change have gone<br />our old abilities to live life in longer phrases, seeing longer segments.<br />The mailroom boy who worked at the same shop for thirty years,<br />investing in the single, slow rise to the presidency, is now a charming<br />antique fable. We who once were willing to trek across the country, or<br />the ocean, with the hope of a brighter day-after-tomorrow, want it now.<br />No waiting.<br />We used to let time be an active partner and pacesetter. Knowing<br />how to invest and spend it, our activities and our pleasures reflected that.<br />But since we've harnessed most of the means to give us a brighter day<br />right now, the skills that required waiting began to dry up, seeming<br />redundant and unnecessary. And of all of these, telling, listening, and<br />reading top the list.<br />You see, it takes too long to tell and listen—to wait till you get to the<br />end of a paragraph for me to get the idea.<br />34 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />And reading? A picture rather than a thousand words—that's what<br />we need!<br />And that's what we got.<br />THE NEW TECHNIQUES OF TELLING<br />Here are some "telling" facts:<br />• 77 percent of all Americans get about 90 percent of their news<br />from television.<br />• 47 percent get all their news from television.<br />• Every major U.S. corporation has its own TV studio.<br />• Videotapes and videodiscs are commonplace in homes and<br />offices.<br />Since television is now the major method of giving and getting hard<br />information and factual data today (now that reading and lectures have<br />lost favor), let's look at what new techniques are used for TV communication.<br />And, TV watchers are the general public—including staff and<br />co-workers, buyers, clients, audiences of any size—we surely need to<br />explore further how television has affected us in the way we tell and<br />listen. This is especially true if we wish to build new techniques for<br />effective business communication, whose main topic is hard information<br />and factual data—numbers, ideas, issues, marketing strategies.<br />Basic Techniques of Television Communication<br />To analyze these techniques and understand their effect on your<br />audience, and also how to use the best of them, let's examine the most<br />common experience of information giving on TV—the nightly news<br />broadcast.<br />News Stories Are Short<br />Basically headlines, one and a half minutes long, they're designed for<br />short explanations, not in-depth analysis with background material. They<br />deal with what's new, not what is or was. This does wonders for the<br />The Basics of Communicating 35<br />attention span and the desire ever to find out "how," or "why," or even<br />if it's all true!<br />Television Compresses Time<br />The unquestioned illogic of going from the studio (CUT) to a live<br />scene on location (CUT) to a suspended head talking (CUT) to graphics<br />appearing on the screen (CUT) without ever seeing how any of it got<br />there has made us believe in—and expect—magic.<br />This technological mastery compresses natural time. We want<br />information now and grow impatient with normal, human methods.<br />TV Reinforces Information<br />Using graphics and descriptive written words to identify and clarify,<br />television news teaches us that "If you don't catch on, we'll help you."<br />"Don't bother listening hard, we'll tell you again." Even when pictures<br />are shown, a voice off-camera explains them.<br />Visuals Are the Message<br />Words and people are no longer the primary message givers. Now<br />pictures tell. Human tellers corroborate and embellish as introducers<br />and voice-overs but are no longer the major source of information.<br />Television has taught the viewer to expect visual proof, not to take<br />anyone's word for it.<br />What Looks True Is Not True<br />Since pictures are edited by the reporter, and their content and<br />point of view chosen by reporter, cameraman, director, and/or producer,<br />what we see is not pure truth. It's technologically altered. Time and<br />reality are distorted with quick, unconnected shots of a scene and<br />close-ups impossible to do with the naked eye. Now, tellers of tales used<br />to edit truth for impact, too, leaving it to our imaginations to fill in the<br />picture. But today TV shows what look like authentic pictures, thus<br />convincing us they're true and that that's the whole story.<br />The "Talking Head" Taboo<br />A "talking head" (close-up of a person just talking) is considered so<br />boring that it's generally given thirty seconds or less on the air.<br />36 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Television producers, knowing that people are basically garrulous and<br />verbally disorganized, edit most "talking head" statements into a "bite"<br />from a speech—taking part of this sentence, the middle of that, and a<br />startling or memorable line to finish. Thus we hear a cogent (albeit<br />manufactured) pithy statement, made on but also by TV, and not<br />necessarily intended by the original author. Result: we are now accustomed<br />to hearing, ultimately wanting, only the essence—the bottom<br />line—from people. No strolling through the language. Just the facts,<br />Ma'am. And be quick about it.<br />Seamless Flow of Words<br />Consider the anchor person. Flawless. Delivering his or her message<br />without mistakes. News anchors don't look for words or look at notes.<br />They just look at you—keenly, directly, sincerely—and talk. Of course<br />they're reading from a TelePrompTer, rolling over the lens so their eyes<br />don't move and give it all away. That teaches the audience that people<br />don't stumble or falter or think as they work at communicating with you.<br />No rephrasing or trying again. The only professional, mature, correct<br />way is seamlessly and effortlessly.<br />Now this is all very interesting, but what can you do with such<br />information in the work world?<br />In order to know what else you have to do to get people to listen to<br />you these days, let's see how the new techniques of TV information<br />giving have conditioned your potential audience. What problems must<br />you know about and take care of as you prepare to speak to anyone?<br />Communication Consequences of TV<br />Passivity<br />We no longer have to do very much to gain information. It's all done<br />for us—and for free. Delivered in the most painless, least challenging<br />way to ensure the broadest possible audience. TV delivery of information<br />has eliminated the participation the old forms of delivery required. And<br />with it the desire to work very hard at trying to find out and understand<br />anything or to like being challenged.<br />The Basics of Communicating 37<br />Inattention<br />Television has taught us to listen with half an ear. In the past, to<br />listen or learn you went to a totally focused environment where that was<br />the only activity: school, college, lecture hall, theater, auditorium,<br />forum, library.<br />Now consider the environment in which television gives information<br />and its effect on concentration. Kitchen, den, living or bedroom. Phones<br />ring; kids play; moms and dads cook, talk, or read. The business of life—<br />eating, arguing, laughing, disciplining, attending to daily details—all<br />vies for equal time with the tube. Television often becomes an obbligato,<br />a hum or drone in the background. Only occasionally does it rise up to<br />demand total attention from the disparate group pursuing their activities<br />in the vicinity. This from the most powerful communications medium<br />ever created, shared by more people than ever before!<br />What effect does this have?<br />We start with the problems we as a species have in ever paying<br />attention, under any circumstances. Due to the fact that it takes only 15<br />percent of the brain to process and understand language, we have 85<br />percent of free "attention span" left over whenever someone speaks to<br />us. Any speaker has to fight for that other 85 percent in order to keep his<br />or her audience—fight the wool-gathering, daydreaming, problemsolving,<br />random thinking we all do with that free brainpower.<br />Now television comes along, challenging even more of that tenuous<br />attention base. It teaches us that it's okay—actually the norm—to listen<br />just a little, from time to time, instead of helping us focus and<br />concentrate. Not good for you, the business communicator who needs<br />rapt attention from beginning to end . . .<br />hack of Continuity<br />We get comfortable about coming in on the middle of a subject.<br />Others fill us in with an even more edited version than the television<br />show itself presents, and that's enough for us to climb aboard and tune<br />in. Otherwise we bumble along till the show or subject comes clear and<br />hooks us, or we resort to our other great power play—switching channels<br />without even getting up!<br />Vetoing the Subject<br />The ability to snap off communication in mid-sentence, based strictly<br />on whether it has already grabbed us, bodes ill for anyone wanting to<br />38 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />impart new, unfamiliar, necessary though difficult information, CLICK<br />goes the listener, looking for (and being able to find) something that<br />tickles the palate more. The gimmick rather than the message is what we<br />are trained to look for. How appealing are your subjects? Your messages?<br />Commercials Create the Rhythm<br />We are becoming conditioned to expecting breaks in any communication<br />every eight to nine minutes. Information—hard or soft—is<br />delivered in bite-sized pieces, and we've learned to expect to get off the<br />hook in predictable segments and much more often during the news.<br />Who's going to sit through your half-hour presentation without wanting<br />a trip to the refrigerator?<br />Information Is Automatically Considered Boring<br />We now automatically know what our society deems "prime." We<br />are told what information appeals only to a very small, select audience by<br />what is programmed during the best—the "prime-time"—viewing hours<br />and what is served up when most folks are sleeping or out. "Fact shows"<br />(documentaries, public affairs, serious interview shows) are relegated to<br />no-man's-land or public (read "egghead") television.<br />And what's "prime?" Generally anything that says entertainment and<br />escape. This conditions us to expect to be bored by heavy water and<br />serious subjects—the usual fare of business meetings—and to look for<br />the automatic kick and pace that television has trained us to expect.<br />Important information—and a major challenge for anyone who has to<br />present or discuss facts and numbers. . . .<br />Individual Imagination Is Buried<br />Visualizing music on MTV gives another message about how we have<br />learned to process data now. Rather than letting sound into each head<br />and allowing unique, personal visions to develop (remember radio?), we<br />now show that consensus, not individual vision, is the goal. The<br />subconscious message given is that our imaginations can't, or won't,<br />come up with visions on their own and that we need spoon-feeding.<br />This conditioning can discourage unique opinions and the desire to<br />discover and explore. It can dampen our natural ability to imagine. Not<br />good news for those who need to teach, explain, or present another point<br />of view. Further, it increases our anxiety level about doing anything<br />different than the norm or being out of step with our neighbors. How<br />The Basics of Communicating 39<br />does that affect management's goals of motivating individuals to step out<br />and perform new tasks, to find original solutions, and to be inspired to<br />press ahead of the crowd?<br />We Expect Intensity and Shock<br />The camera zooms in where you and I would fear to tread.<br />Television, in communicating everything, indiscriminately, in full color<br />and tight close-up, has broken the accepted norms of what we communicate<br />about, simply because we can do it technically. Violence, conflict,<br />and tragedy become abstractions and commonplace. We're used to the<br />close-up of the body bag and the private weeping made public.<br />Effect? Commonplace, cool, didactic, functional business messages<br />can't hold a candle to what we're exposed to on TV. Hard to generate<br />much interest in just facts without some stimulating visual additives and<br />general razzle-dazzle.<br />So, that's the current scene: Telling, listening, learning, information<br />giving/getting are permanently changed. Pace matters. People expect an<br />edited, telescoped version of anything new and unfamiliar, amply laced<br />with visual reinforcement. We're a passive audience, needing active<br />engagement to stay tuned in. The attention span is now shorter, the need<br />to think and understand is now dampened, and people have been<br />demoted as central truth tellers.<br />A Qualifier<br />Having just made a great case for the doom-and-gloom sayers about<br />what the failure of our society will be, I need to add another thought,<br />especially since I spent most of my life working in television as a<br />communicator, using those self-same techniques I've just been decrying<br />. . .<br />Let's not just get mad at television. We can't un-invent it. Like cars,<br />it's here. A mixed blessing, and we have to live with the pollution.<br />There's much to learn about our natural tendencies and how<br />television has built on them. And I still believe in TV's fabulous<br />potential.<br />At its best, television is the most effective method yet devised for<br />giving mass information. It brings every brand of reality into every<br />household, exposing new ideas, social problems, endless kinds of people,<br />and issues from every walk of life to us all, across the board, without<br />40 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />being asked. It can take us where we could never go. It can introduce us<br />to spiritual experiences and cultural joys.<br />But—TV communication techniques have been damaging to the<br />learning systems of our societies, supplanting more substantive personally<br />involving ones with the quick fix. To communicate these days, you'd<br />better know what's happened and what effect it's had.<br />Implications for Business Communication<br />We need to adapt and adopt.<br />In these pages we'll learn to offset TV information influences with<br />inventive communication techniques of our own.<br />• We'll use what we know of what people now need to become<br />much more effective "tellers."<br />• We'll remain aware of continuing basic human needs, fulfilling<br />the natural as well as the conditioned demands of any audience.<br />• We'll adapt the current technologies and other new information<br />about visual learning to make business communication clear,<br />convincing, involving, and persuasive.<br />Now let's leave the new world of TV and technology, and return to<br />the original one of our natural functioning to explore another set of basic<br />principles by which we exchange information and reach each other—<br />those of verbal and non-verbal communication.<br />VERBAL VS. NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION<br />How We Communicate<br />Picture this scene.<br />You're walking down the corridor at work and see your friend Jack<br />coming toward you:<br />YOU (walking up to him, smiling): "Hi, Jack—haven't seen you in a<br />while. How's everything going?"<br />JACK (backs away hastily, avoiding eye contact): "Fine, fine."<br />YOU: "What's up? Are you okay?"<br />The Basics of Communicating 41<br />JACK (dropping his papers, scrambling for them, getting up, and quickly<br />looking past you as he shifts from one foot to the other): "Yeah, sure, I'm<br />fine. Everything's just fine."<br />you: "Gee, you seem a little distracted."<br />JACK (stepping back, finally looking at you): "No, no—believe me, I'm<br />okay (heaving a sigh). Everything's—just—uh—great . . . (looking off).<br />Yeah, great . . . "<br />Do you believe Jack? Would you accept what he says about<br />everything being fine? What do you think is really going on: Just been<br />fired? Messed up on the job? How do you know? What clues do you use<br />to give you the answers?<br />Go back and read the scene again, but without the directions in<br />parentheses. The words alone don't tell you what you need to know, do<br />they? Actually, the information about how Jack really feels emerges only<br />from what he does, in contrast to what he says. And if you turned the<br />sound off and just watched this scene, you'd get a much clearer message<br />more directly, wouldn't you?<br />Multi-Messages<br />We all share a primary human need not just to accept what is<br />communicated to us, but to evaluate it. We automatically filter incoming<br />messages through such questions as: "What does this really mean?" "Can<br />I trust him?" "Why is she saying or doing this?"<br />This need to understand fully and to put things in context requires us<br />to look for as much information as we can.<br />Go back to that scene with Jack. Look at all the information you<br />would automatically notice and gather from his non-verbal language and<br />consider how quickly you would understand its meaning.<br />• Body language: Jack shifts his feet (can't hold his ground). He<br />twitches, gestures, nervously drops his papers, scrambles hastily for<br />them (can't stop moving, seems uncoordinated in a simple task).<br />• Eye contact: Jack can't look at you; he looks off, thinking. (Why does<br />he avoid me? What is he hiding?)<br />• Space relationship: You get closer; he backs away. (Doesn't want<br />contact; avoids my personal outreach.)<br />• Speech rhythm: Jack speaks hastily (trying to get done with it); long<br />pauses between his words (reflective, thinking of something else?); sighs<br />42 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />as he speaks (expression of inner feeling—disappointment? sadness?).<br />And the words?<br />He says, "Fine" . . . "great." "No, no—believe me."<br />Words vs. Movement<br />Words may be the basic currency, but non-verbal communication<br />(body language) is the other dictionary we use. Each is powerful and<br />eloquent in different ways, but non-verbals have a much more direct<br />effect on how we process information and our feelings about the teller.<br />• Words are cerebral. They're symbols, requiring us to translate<br />those symbols mentally into meaning.<br />• Non-verbal body language is visceral. We absorb its meaning<br />instinctively, through the gut, not the head. We feel—we don't think<br />about what it means.<br />• Words are self-edited. They're controlled. Through training we<br />pick what we say. We filter our choices through the constraints of our<br />self-protective superego. We verbalize only what seems fitting, nondamaging,<br />or not too revealing. Your listeners know that because we all<br />do it.<br />• Body language is not edited. Posture, gesture, movement are<br />unconscious. Involuntary. Spontaneous. And we all know that, too.<br />That's why we use body language as our best measure—our barometer<br />and truth teller—about what's really happening and what any communicated<br />message really means. Remember the scene with Jack?<br />• Words are specific. Although they can suggest, as symbols they<br />mean specific things and call forth the same images for all of us. "Nose"<br />is nose. "Window" is window. "Three o'clock" says only ( O to<br />everyone at once. Words explain concrete ideas and facts. ^—'<br />• Body language needs interpretation. Movement, posture, gesture,<br />and space relationships are unique and highly individual, demanding<br />interpretation. They deal with nuance, with feeling, with degree. They<br />can't say exactly (Q , but they can say how you feel about the fact<br />of Qy . Think of—and actually try to do—the gestures that say:<br />"Oh, I'm late!" or, "What, already?" or, "Finally! "<br />The Basics of Communicating 43<br />The gestures come to you at once, don't they? And they're a little<br />different for each of us, based on our background and who we watched<br />growing up, but they would be universally understood.<br />• Words are extravagant. They can eventually describe and tell, but<br />you need to use many to get depths of feeling across.<br />• Body language is succinct. It shows feelings much more economically,<br />more directly and eloquently. It evokes feeling responses in us<br />very quickly.<br />• Words separate. Not only the difference between foreign languages<br />and our own, but vocabulary and pronunciation define class, level of<br />accomplishment, education, and social station.<br />• Body language can unify. Because life is essentially a series of<br />universal common experiences—birth, death, marriage, children,<br />happy, sad, hungry, fearful—we can understand each other instantly<br />through physical expression. Need a drink in a foreign country? No<br />problem. You'll show them. And in showing them, you also show our<br />commonality. The recognition of that unifying concept by others draws<br />us instantly closer—whether it is tears in Tibet or a welcoming smile at<br />a business meeting in Boston.<br />Words and movement together comprise a dual dialogue. If they<br />match and are consistent with each other, they strengthen and underscore<br />meaning. If they are inconsistent, incongruously saying two<br />different things, the viewer disregards the words—the verbal—and<br />believes the body language—the non-verbal.<br />If you stand there saying, "The figures for this quarter show great<br />strength, " at the same time that you avoid eye contact, clear your throat,<br />and shuffle your papers, you've convinced us only of what you're trying<br />to hide!<br />COMMON OBSTACLES TO COMMUNICATION<br />How People Feel About Learning<br />New information or information that challenges existing beliefs or<br />systems presents problems to any communicator. As a species, people<br />44 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />are grounded in the familiar and in what is proven to work. Exploring is<br />only for the few, not the many. There's only one Columbus, one Edison,<br />one Hillary. Even questioning existing beliefs feels dangerous to most<br />people.<br />Therefore, the first reaction to learning is often resistance. In order<br />to understand what you need to overcome in order to present new<br />information at work, to bring others to accept it or wish to change<br />anything, let's look at some basic obstacles to listening and learning.<br />Threatened<br />The daily ongoing business of keeping up—let alone getting ahead—<br />at work requires tremendous effort.<br />Status, Usefulness, Acceptance, Money, and the other factors I<br />talked about in Chapter 1 push us to try to maintain some sense of<br />security or stability at work while we gather our forces and plan our<br />assault on the next rung or pinnacle. We climb only when we feel ready<br />and strong enough. For someone else to move into our path and say, "It's<br />time for a challenge now," can be threatening. Of course, there are<br />individual variations based on levels of skill and personal confidence, but<br />most people think:<br />"I've just about figured this level out. Why do I want to change now?<br />I can picture the present scene, but not the new one being presented.<br />Better play it safe till I can figure it out. 'The devil I know is better than<br />the devil I don't know.'<br />So our tendency is to push against new ideas or systems, not to<br />welcome them.<br />Intimidated<br />Our universal need to save face, to appear confident and competent,<br />to seem grounded in our lives and unflappable, is intensified at work.<br />That's the dangerous, get-ahead place where everyone's watching,<br />waiting to pounce and move in or up)—over you. Look at the concern that<br />can be created when someone else (especially someone in charge) comes<br />up with a new idea or imperative. We think:<br />"You dreamed it up, so you understand it and know how to do it and<br />why. But / am not at all sure that 7 can understand it or be able to do it,<br />especially do it well."<br />We hark back to our early experiences in the learning game. Most<br />people's school experience was not stellar. We still remember the<br />smarting embarrassment of being found wrong or wanting in the early<br />The Basics of Communicating 45<br />vulnerable days. The anxiety about our own competence doesn't ever<br />really leave us. Whenever you, the teller, present a challenge to move<br />into the "Learn this, because there will be a test" mode, you can call up<br />levels of performance anxiety. Thus the normal human instinct of<br />self-preservation causes us, the recipients, to put our hands up in front<br />of our faces and say, "Whoa!"<br />Competitive<br />Your idea, not mine. That fact can create resistance again. Not only<br />because I didn't think of it, but because of the implication that you were<br />smart enough, creative enough, even brave enough, to think of it. For<br />many competitive people there's also the feeling that if I accept your<br />idea, you're ahead of me and I'm in a weakened position.<br />Need the Familiar<br />New ideas are usually presented just that way—as new. Different.<br />Unlike what's gone before. Bad news! This doesn't give the listener/<br />learner any grounding or context or reason to believe he/she can tune in.<br />We all need to feel some ownership of turf before we venture forth to the<br />unknown. "Turf" in this case means knowing that past information and<br />experience, one's background, is valuable and useful in a new situation.<br />New data creates major resistance since one doesn't know how to listen<br />to it, to relate to or even imagine it.<br />The safest way to discuss new information is to begin with what is<br />known. To start with the familiar and then to add the new as variations<br />or take-offs from the old. To establish and remind one of what is, then<br />show how it leads to what could be.<br />Language<br />Words mean instant understanding if they are used well and if they<br />are within the listener's vocabulary. Since words are exact, stating facts<br />and concepts precisely—once we know a language, we expect its words<br />to be accurate and clear to us, making an immediate image which is<br />shared by everyone. We depend on processing words easily, knowing<br />that they are the vehicle that will move us along in our comprehension.<br />We don't expect to get stuck. We are challenged and concerned when we<br />do. Therefore, how we use language has a great effect on how people can<br />take in and understand us.<br />46 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Effects of Not Understanding Words<br />• We stop listening.<br />The instant halt to comprehension when we hear a word we don't<br />understand causes us to lose our concentration and the momentum built<br />up by the speaker. We ruminate, scanning our storehouse of language,<br />looking for possible connotations: "Sounds like . . . " "In that context, it<br />probably means . . . "<br />But while we do that, we have to stop listening and processing your<br />data. Then, when we tune back in again, we're out of sync and need to<br />catch up. Meanwhile, of course, we've missed something, perhaps the<br />essence of what the teller is telling. But that's only the beginning of the<br />end.<br />• We discover our ignorance.<br />The second and deeper, consequence of using a word not in the<br />audience's (one or many) vocabulary is the discovery of what we don't<br />know and what you do know.<br />"And if you know and I don't, maybe I won't be able to understand<br />your message. Maybe there's too much more I don't know, that you do<br />know, to allow me to get the rest of your message."<br />Widening the gap between the teller and the receiver is a major<br />pitfall whenever you use words to inform or persuade.<br />• We learn how you feel about us.<br />Even further down in the subconscious is the idea that if you<br />understand and know these words and I don't, and if you persist in using<br />them, then you don't know much about me—your audience. You don't<br />automatically know (if we know each other) or didn't bother to find out<br />(if you're talking to strangers) what I understand of your subject; that I<br />don't know the shorthand and acronyms you're using. And if you're not<br />sensitive about that, you don't much care whether I get your message or<br />not. If you did, you'd make a greater effort to make yourself instantly<br />clear. You'd choose words that would be readily grasped. You would do<br />nothing to get in the way of my continued attention and comprehension.<br />// you cared about my getting your message. Not only my finding out<br />how smart you are . . .<br />• The bottom line: There are many built-in obstacles to people<br />automatically accepting and absorbing information. This is true in<br />general, but especially in the specific kind of information you'd like to<br />impart in the work world. You often deal with new ideas, with changing<br />how things are done, with trying to persuade others about your point of<br />The Basics of Communicating 47<br />view. Knowing how people react to learning is vital to planning your<br />communications strategy.<br />And further: recognizing and accepting the ways in which our media<br />have affected us and conditioned our systems of communication helps us<br />to critique and hone our communication techniques.<br />Finally, absorbing and understanding the basic principles of how we<br />communicate and why we listen—what works, what doesn't, and why—<br />starts you on the road to a realistic appraisal of what you want to tell and<br />how you plan to tell it.<br />The next three chapters will tell you how to prepare for and design<br />what you want to say: How to analyze and develop strategies; how to plan<br />and schedule business encounters; how and when to use visual reinforcement;<br />and what other techniques to consider in order to impart your<br />message.<br />GETTING READY TO<br />COMMUNICATE<br />Fore-thought for Strategies<br />Whether you're going to have a one-on-one meeting with boss,<br />client, or staff member, give a presentation, or run a meeting, you<br />obviously take the time to plan it.<br />For most of us, the planning usually starts with a case of nerves:<br />What to say? How to begin? What's the best way to do this? This is<br />usually followed by a series of notes scribbled, crumpled, and flung into<br />the wastebasket or crossed out and rewritten. All the while we're hoping<br />for an inspiration or the definitive word from above.<br />I propose a much more direct and organized route—a predictable<br />series of steps to give you a solid base from which to plan any<br />communications strategy. It's a systematic analysis using three basic<br />questions that always need to be answered in order to set you on the<br />right path for successful communication.<br />To demonstrate my system, let's start by looking at a typical business<br />encounter. Let's look at how these usually go and what's basically wrong<br />with the improvised, "seat-of-the-pants" method of communicating, the<br />one most of us usually engage in.<br />DEVELOPING STRATEGIES<br />What Goes Wrong and Why<br />SCENE:<br />An executive's office. Staff member is being called on the carpet.<br />48<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 49<br />CAST:<br />THE EXEC—a competent, ambitious, hard-working boss who wants his<br />staff and their product to work like clockwork.<br />MIKE—a staff member who has been getting his reports in late.<br />ACTION:<br />EXEC: "Look, Mike, I've told you twice now that your reports are late.<br />I won't have it happen again!"<br />MIKE: "But it's not my fault. It's . . . "<br />EXEC: "Look. No more excuses. Just shape up. Can you do the job or<br />can't you? I want those reports on time. That's all!"<br />MIKE: "Okay. Sorry. You'll have them."<br />A common encounter. But—read it again. Do you think the Exec has<br />solved the problem? Does he/she know any more now than before? Did<br />he/she help to solve the problem? And do you think Mike, who's still<br />solely responsible for getting the reports done on time, will, or can, truly<br />change what's been happening—permanently?<br />In order to discover how to effect these outcomes by designing some<br />different methods of communicating, we need to look a little deeper at<br />what's going on:<br />Exec: Needs something and isn't getting it. Typically, he/she has<br />gone about getting it in the shortest route possible—complaining,<br />demanding (or telling), and expecting compliance.<br />Mike: Hears displeasure or criticism. Typically, he defends himself<br />or avoids confrontation by agreeing, though he still hasn't figured out a<br />better way to get his reports in on time.<br />What's predictable here?<br />• The Exec will be angry.<br />• Mike will never say "No."<br />• Mike's anxiety level will be raised.<br />• Mike's reports will probably be late again.<br />In the scenario just described, the Exec must depend on what Mike<br />says he'll do, not on the Exec himself, not on what he/she can find out<br />and add to solve or change things. This is not a strong position, but one<br />probably headed for more heat and frustration without resolution.<br />Let's peel back another layer or two. What else may be going on<br />underneath the action? What issues are not being addressed?<br />50 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Factual issues:<br />Exec:<br />• Late reports make his/her job more difficult.<br />• His/her superiors can call the Exec on the carpet.<br />• Late reports set a bad example for the rest of the staff.<br />Mike:<br />• He wants to keep his job.<br />• He knows he's supposed to deliver the report.<br />•To go forward he, like his colleagues, needs the boss's approval.<br />• He can't seem to get the reports in on time.<br />Emotional issues:<br />Exec:<br />• His authority is being challenged. He delegated those reports<br />and told Mike when to deliver them, and it didn't happen. That's<br />threatening and infuriating.<br />• There is concern about having to prove his/her authority<br />again.<br />• There is also the hidden fear that he/she may not get total<br />compliance. What then?<br />Mike:<br />• He feels bad (ashamed, ineffective, guilty) about his reports<br />being late.<br />• He worries about the threat of punishment, even job loss.<br />• He worries about the loss of affection and esteem.<br />• Since he's failed so far, he fears he may not be able to comply.<br />Now what can we do with these deeper levels of information?<br />First: We can see how much of the behavior in that scene, as played,<br />is predictable, and why.<br />Second: We can use this foreknowledge to plan a much more active<br />and effective problem-solving strategy.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 51<br />Effective communication begins by deliberately analyzing a situation<br />before the encounter. Then planning.<br />Let's see how it works.<br />What Makes a Difference<br />The Exec, if he/she thought about it, would know that a straight<br />frontal attack will surely produce predictable results: Mike would either<br />be defensive and give excuses, or agree to anything just to make it end.<br />Therefore, to be truly effective, the Exec should start the meeting out on<br />a totally different tack—information gathering.<br />By turning away from the predictable fury-and-threat reflex, he/she<br />could start the meeting with a defused, benign (though very active) tone.<br />The meeting then becomes a quest for clues and problem solving; a<br />diagnosis rather than an eye-to-eye confrontation.<br />The new tack could go something like this:<br />EXEC: "Mike, I know you've been having problems getting your reports<br />in on time. I'm sure you don't like that any more than I do. Let's sit<br />down and figure out what's going wrong and how to fix it. "<br />Now look at what he/she just did. No threat. No anger. (Two modes<br />guaranteed to turn off Mike's thinking part.) The Exec shows recognition<br />of a problem and recognition that Mike is probably upset by it and<br />seemingly powerless to fix it alone. The Exec shows his/her ability and<br />willingness to help solve it and to help Mike, not just simply to chastise<br />him.<br />Mike's response? Disarmed and relieved, he's suddenly able to be<br />very open in confronting the late-report problem. The Exec has established<br />a surprisingly different atmosphere than the one Mike expected<br />after being called on the carpet—one that encourages honesty on both<br />sides.<br />Creating a safe environment in which to consider the issue and only<br />the issue, of why the reports are late, the Exec is on the way to fixing<br />that. And Mike's basic character, general abilities, or good intentions are<br />still intact, rather than threatened or called into question as in the first<br />script.<br />• Result: Teamwork and constructive solutions. Mike can get some<br />real help and new information about how to deliver reports on time, and<br />the Exec's reports have a realistic chance to come in on time.<br />52 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Case closed.<br />That's it? That simple?<br />Well—not quite.<br />Where We Get Stuck<br />The problem we have is with that old self-spirit: That powerful<br />internal motivator sets up a stand-off between "Me first!" and "Who else<br />gets included?"<br />Our self-spirit's hunger is so great that we can't wait: it's too scary to<br />most of us to first pass the plate and say, "After you!" before we get ours.<br />We have no faith that our turn will ever come.<br />So—we move too fast. Too often, we push to the front of the line,<br />blurt out our needs without thinking, and lose the chance to engage an<br />ally; to piggy-back on the energy of another's self-spirit and use that drive<br />as well as our own to make things come out well for both of us. In any<br />successful encounter it can't be "I get mine; you lose," but rather, "I get<br />(some of) mine; you get (some of) yours."<br />This chapter is dedicated to showing you how, in any one-one-one<br />encounter or larger presentation or group meeting, you can more<br />quickly achieve your goals with a little forethought about the opposite<br />number(s)' needs and concerns. Only then can you formulate a strategy<br />designed for solutions and success, solidly based on motivation—yours<br />and theirs.<br />FORE-THOUGHT<br />You've just seen that spur-of-the-moment improvisation based on<br />nothing but sheer gut-level reaction doesn't work effectively as a system<br />for successful encounters and outcomes.<br />Once you're in an encounter, you need to be flexible, to seize the<br />moment and go one way or another way. But you need to start with<br />insight and build a strategy from that insight. You need Fore-Thought:<br />To analyze a situation before you say or do anything. And to analyze it<br />from more than a simply factual, practical point of view. Much<br />more goes into what we do and how we hear and learn than surface<br />behavior.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 53<br />Having discovered the huge motivational force that self-interest<br />propagates, we need to learn about the self-interest of your audience.<br />Who Is Your Audience?<br />Your audience is (are) the recipient(s) of your message. It could be<br />your opposite number(s) at a meeting you, he (or they) call. It could be<br />the group assembled for a speech. It could be friend or foe, client or<br />colleague.<br />Audiences all have one thing in common. He/she/they are on the<br />other end of whatever you're sending. Your message and its possible<br />effects are for them.<br />What Makes a Difference<br />What motivates your audience before your encounter begins? How<br />will what you say or do either tap into their motivation or somehow<br />change or affect them?<br />This is what you need to know to plan strategy, and this information<br />and understanding can be gained only through Fore-Thought. Developed<br />in specific steps, Fore-Thought gives you the insight to see what<br />your audience's basic self-interest and motivations are; where yours and<br />theirs clash or connect; what are the potential stumbling blocks to<br />achieving your goals.<br />Fore-Thought means going beyond the more obvious outward goals<br />and delving into the inner realm as well; learning about deeper<br />motivations, analyzing needs and feelings on both sides.<br />What You Know, What You Need<br />A Familiar Audience<br />• What's easy to know<br />What comes to you at once are the specific characteristics of your<br />familiar audience of one or several. You could quickly describe their<br />special foibles:<br />"Joe? Yeah, he's great but don't cross him. He's got a short<br />fuse!"<br />54 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />"Listen, you know how long Susan always takes to get back to you.<br />Makes me nuts."<br />"Sheila takes her coffee black. Ned, you like tea, don't you? And<br />Bruce, you're still on that decaf trip, right?"<br />Surface behavior insights born of frequent exposure to others are<br />enormously useful. But they're not all you need to know. You also need<br />some deeper insights. They can give you what you'll need in order to<br />plan an effective and lasting communications strategy—one that motivates<br />audiences to listen and act.<br />• What's hard to know<br />If it's someone—or a group—you know and work with often, it's<br />often harder to be able to answer deeper, consequential questions.<br />Familiarity breeds complacency, not continued curiosity or the<br />attention given to strangers. So, it's difficult to force yourself to sit down<br />and look at this person or persons with a clear, analytical eye and answer<br />hard, objective questions.<br />Example: Suppose you called a conference with two other colleagues<br />about an issue at work. The content could be critical of one of them and<br />could create new problems for the other. To help you prepare and<br />predict what else you'd have to solve, could you answer: What are their<br />goals, not only for this meeting but in relation to their work and their<br />lives in general? What are their fears, their outlooks, their triumphs and<br />disappointments on the job?<br />Could you predict their feelings, like: How do they feel about the<br />upcoming encounter? What do they need from you? What do they expect<br />will happen?<br />These deeper, more thoughtful questions require distancing and<br />objectivity; a special effort. Hard to do when you're thinking: "After all,<br />I know these guys already . . . "<br />• The dangers of a familiar audience<br />When you address an audience of people you know, not only do you<br />have difficulty knowing the deeper answers; you are also more likely to<br />fall into sloppy communication habits.<br />Sometimes you don't try too hard because you know them and<br />they know you. The old "We all know why we're here, let's get on with<br />it" syndrome. You don't feel you have to "sell" your buddies. This<br />makes it less likely that you'll plan deliberately, with adequate<br />Fore-Thought.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 55<br />Result? If it's a presentation, you may not notice that others are<br />bored, unconvinced, or restless with the length, the preachiness, the<br />predictability, or the sheer "talkiness" of your message. Just as with your<br />family, you feel you can get away with a lot. After all, you're a member!<br />And as they say, "Membership has its privileges" . . .<br />If it's a one-on-one meeting or even an informal phoned request,<br />familiarity can cause you to cut out all the usual niceties (the ones that<br />really count in communicating) and to get right down to the task at<br />hand.<br />So you may find that Fore-Thought and planning are often not your<br />priority with a familiar audience. Too bad. You may be losing them more<br />often than you think . . .<br />An Unfamiliar Audience<br />Here the opposite obtains: They're strangers; no automatic love and<br />welcome. You have to be on your best behavior and try very hard. You<br />know right away why you need to question who your audience is and<br />what they like and need.<br />• What's easy to know<br />The unfamiliarity of your audience makes it easier for you to answer<br />the deeper questions about them. Because you start already removed<br />from them, be it one or many listeners, it's easier for you to be able to<br />see the whole picture, to generalize objectively about some basic truths.<br />You can more readily imagine what they probably care most about, what<br />their goals and needs are, how they would probably take your message<br />as you deliver it or as they sit across a table from you.<br />• What's hard to know<br />What you don't know, and often can't know, are their individual<br />traits and unique characteristics. But you don't need to know those yet<br />in order to plan.<br />What You Need to Know<br />• Larger audiences<br />For purposes of planning a presentation to a group, you're looking for<br />the largest possible common denominators in order to include them all.<br />Therefore, knowing the general facts about them as a group is exactly<br />what's called for.<br />56 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Smaller audiences<br />One or several people need more personal, individual information as<br />well as the basic overview. Your perceptual instincts (which we'll work to<br />enlarge through these pages) can quickly fill in what personal characteristics<br />your opposite number(s) seems to display once your meeting gets<br />going, if you look and listen hard. Then you can adapt and correct your<br />previous plans, if you need to.<br />But in either case, you need first to find out about the self-interest or<br />motivations of that audience in order to plan your communications<br />strategy effectively.<br />We established earlier, with Mike and the Exec, that Fore-Thought<br />is able to save you time and unproductive effort. We also discovered how<br />predictable many needs and responses can be. Since your audience's<br />motivations are the key to persuasion, how do you figure out what kinds<br />of questions to ask yourself in order to prepare? How should you organize<br />the answers into a usable strategy?<br />To codify how to do this efficiently every time, here are some basic<br />principles and techniques—a system.<br />THE FORE-THOUGHT CHART<br />The Basic Idea<br />The best system for Fore-Thought is to make a chart describing the<br />motivations already in place and being brought to the encounter.<br />It's not only your audience you need to know more about as you sit<br />down to plan your message or meeting; it's your own motivational<br />profile, too. There's some deliberate self-discovery you need to go<br />through to be sure all your bases are covered and that your goals will be<br />achieved.<br />The chart's focus:<br />• What does the other person (or persons) want, need, and<br />expect—both specifically and generally? What's important to<br />them?<br />• What do you want, need, and expect? What's important to you?<br />• Where is the energy and the motivation for action for you as well<br />as for them?<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 57<br />• What sources on both sides can you tap into to fulfill your<br />intention for this encounter?<br />• How do they complement, interact, or collide?<br />No matter what communications challenge you face, the following<br />chart will give you a basic framework within which to collect your<br />thoughts in a disciplined, orderly fashion. It will organize the insights<br />you need to design how and what you should communicate.<br />And the chart works whether you are the originator of an encounter<br />or the responder to an invitation or summons.<br />Why a Chart?<br />Making a chart forces you to sit still and purposefully think about<br />motivation issues; it graphically shows you and makes you consider both<br />sides.<br />Writing helps to clarify:<br />• It takes your thoughts to a much more clear-headed level, away<br />from the instinctive, emotional one of operating by reflex alone.<br />• It forces you to reduce ideas and feelings to simple, succinct<br />statements of fact.<br />• It makes ideas concrete. They stand still so you can reread and<br />ponder what you're actually thinking.<br />The Process<br />Let's go back and use our example of Mike and his Exec. How should<br />the Exec go about figuring out the predictables? How could he/she know<br />how to make the exchange different and more effective than the initial<br />unproductive encounter I described? By "coaching" the Exec through<br />the steps of creating a Fore-Thought Chart and then showing the changes<br />he/she would therefore make in a communication strategy, I can<br />demonstrate, concretely, the uses and values of the Fore-Thought<br />Chart.<br />The Format<br />Three categories—"Objective Goals, Emotional Needs, and Probable<br />Expectations—will cover the basic kinds of insights you'll need to<br />prepare effective communications strategies. It will look like this:<br />58 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />YOU (Exec)<br />GOALS<br />NEEDS<br />EXPECTATIONS<br />THEY (Mike)<br />GOALS<br />NEEDS<br />EXPECTATIONS<br />I'll fill in a chart, using Mike and the Exec, to demonstrate and<br />explain.<br />Do It Yourself<br />To make this information most pertinent to you and most quickly<br />absorbed into your routine, make your own chart as you read along,<br />using an example from your own work life. Focus on a recent event,<br />perhaps one that didn't go as well as you thought it should. See if you can<br />gather some new insights about it as you design your own chart based on<br />that encounter. You can also plan for an upcoming encounter and shed<br />some new light, as we go through the steps of making a chart.<br />Normally, to get at the truth about what you really think and feel<br />without yet being influenced by what you'll discover on the other side,<br />you should complete the chart vertically on your side first—Goals,<br />Needs, and Expectations. Then, when you fill in your opposite number<br />or opposite group's side, you can see the contrasts and differing<br />motivations most keenly.<br />However, for purposes of explaining and showing you how to<br />develop alternative strategies as we go along, we'll take each category<br />and, completing both sides horizontally, discuss it before we move on to<br />the next.<br />Objective Goals<br />Yours<br />Step one is to determine the bottom-line goals of the encounter.<br />Let's begin with the easier part—listing yours (the Exec's). Try filling this<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 59<br />part out for your encounter and then check below to see what the usual<br />problems are in this section of the chart.<br />I'll use the problem of Mike's late reports. The Exec has just called<br />a meeting. What results does he/she want?<br />YOU (Exec)<br />GOALS<br />1. Get the reports on time.<br />2. Be sure Mike gets the message.<br />3. Don't want to deal with it again.<br />THEY (Mike)<br />Reading this half of the chart can make you readily understand why<br />the original scenario at the beginning of the chapter went as it did. Read<br />the Exec's goals above, and then go back and read that opening scene<br />again on page 49. See? It's all about "/ want" and '7 need." None of it<br />even acknowledges that there is another half to the chart, a Mike with his<br />goals. This is the most common mistake we make.<br />Now here's the basic problem: As you just filled out your own chart<br />with your own goals, can you see how one-sided your goals are? And<br />looking at the blank space on the other half of the chart, can you now see,<br />visually, that there is another side?<br />Let's spend a minute stating Mike's objective goals, the things he<br />wants to accomplish in this meeting.<br />"Great!" you say. "How about a lesson in clairvoyance?"<br />Not necessary. You don't even need lessons. You already know how<br />to do it! It's based on two single concepts:<br />Empathy and Observation. Major gifts of human nature.<br />To get the basic picture, the general idea of what any "Mike" would<br />want, empathize and identify with him or her. Just imagine yourself in<br />any "Mike's' shoes. What would you want to happen in a meeting called<br />by the boss, knowing that your reports are late?<br />Then, to get the specific goals of not just any Mike but your Mike,<br />use your perception, your observation skills. What do you know about<br />Mike, specifically, from having worked with him? What makes him tick?<br />How needy is he? How good at his job? Ambitious? Openly expressive or<br />more withdrawn? Think about the opposite number or group in your<br />own sample chart. Can you picture what his/her/their goals would be and<br />list them?<br />60 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Theirs<br />Let's create Mike's side of the chart. What are his objective goals,<br />the things he would want to accomplish in this meeting? What would any<br />"Mike" want in this situation, based on our knowledge of human nature?<br />Fill in your own opposite number's side of your chart now. Then let's<br />look at Mike's.<br />YOU (Exec) THEY (Mike)<br />GOALS<br />1. Keep my job. Get promoted.<br />2. Avoid the boss's wrath.<br />3. Try to get reports in on time.<br />Now what could our Exec learn from filling in Mike's side of the<br />chart? And studying it as he makes his plans?<br />The first thing you (the Exec) would see is that wrath, recrimination,<br />and desk-pounding would feed right into Mike's biggest anxieties. You'd<br />realize that such an approach could shut down his thinking system and<br />turn up the volume on his survival/defense mode. No ability to make<br />changes then. No chance for honesty or problem solving. Just Mike<br />protecting himself at all costs.<br />What else? You'd have the time to realize that Mike, along with<br />being scared, would like to get the reports in on time and feels<br />embarrassed about it before his peers. Everyone would rather do a job<br />well than mess it up. Everyone would rather have praise than disapproval.<br />This reflection on human nature could lead our Exec to plug into<br />the energy of Mike's goals, his powerful motivating self-interest, to help<br />them both solve the problem.<br />Look back at the goals on the Exec's side of the chart. The Exec<br />wants to "make sure Mike gets the message" and that it "doesn't happen<br />again." How? One way certainly is to open a dialogue: To talk, not just<br />to tell. The fact that the problem recurs tells you that Mike, on his own,<br />hasn't been able to confront or solve it. He needs your (the Exec's) help.<br />Compare<br />Now let's put both sides of the chart together to compare both sets<br />of goals as Mike and the Exec go into the meeting and see what they tell<br />us. Then compare your own.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 61<br />YOU (Exec)<br />GOALS<br />1. Get the reports on time.<br />2. Be sure Mike gets the message.<br />3. Don t want to deal with it again.<br />THEY (Mike)<br />GOALS<br />1. Keep my job. Get promoted.<br />2. Avoid the boss's wrath.<br />3. Try to get reports in on time.<br />Compare them horizontally, point by point. They hardly intersect at<br />all! Not till you get down to number 3 on Mike's goals do you find any<br />mention of the report. And the Exec's major goals have nothing to do<br />with fear or feelings—or Mike, for that matter.<br />It's important to know that some of our goals can have nothing to do<br />with the other person's, especially in a one-on-one situation. They can<br />even be in opposition. Knowing another's goals is therefore vital. It<br />makes us see many more dimensions to an issue. It tells us about the<br />potential stumbling blocks and shows the path to effective communication.<br />So step one in designing a successful communications strategy is to<br />define not only your goals but also your opposite number's—the one you<br />wish to influence.<br />• It makes you get clear about the results you want and can<br />reasonably expect to achieve.<br />• It forces you to focus on the other person's self-interest and<br />goals, making it possible to predict their behavior.<br />• It helps you see how to tap into the energy of their self-interest<br />and accomplish yours or at least part of yours as well.<br />All of these insights can determine what you select as the communications<br />style and content you'll use; what will be most likely to<br />influence others' behavior and bring about a constructive outcome.<br />Emotional Needs<br />Step two is to define inner needs—feelings. This part of the chart is<br />much harder to do.<br />We're such a product-oriented society, bent on outward manifestations<br />of success and external reassurance, that we don't often consciously<br />visit inside to find out how we really feel about things and what our<br />hungers are.<br />62 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Yours<br />Getting in touch with and admitting what else we want, what our<br />hidden fears and desires are, our hidden goals and feelings, requires<br />great honesty. To surface and write them down, you need to give<br />yourself permission to have those feelings of doubt, anger, greed,<br />jealousy, ineptitude, or whatever.<br />Yet, unless you reflect and examine how you really feel and what's<br />at stake for you emotionally, you will be ignoring a powerful set of<br />propellants, with an energy and will of their own, ready to rear up and<br />take over at any time. These hidden emotional needs are real and must<br />be acknowledged and included in your communications strategy, since<br />they will keep looking for a way to be satisfied—even at the expense of<br />your logical, well-thought-out plans.<br />Let's get into our Exec's Emotional Needs first, with three scenarios,<br />based on our three personalities from Chapter 1—the Achiever, the<br />Affiliator, and the Influencer. These needs can differ sharply, unlike the<br />more practical and objective goals in the first category which would be<br />universal in nature, based on their work type.<br />First, the hard-driving, perfectionist Achiever Exec:<br />ACHIEVER EXEC<br />NEEDS<br />1. Mike should meet the standards<br />I've set for myself.<br />2. Must know reasons why not. This<br />affects my performance.<br />3. I'm frustrated by being stuck.<br />Should have done it myself.<br />MIKE<br />Because Achievers are task-oriented and accomplishment-driven,<br />this Exec would have a hard time looking at Mike's emotional needs or<br />even understanding why Mike didn't get the report done. He/she, in<br />order to improve communications skills, needs to understand that<br />his/her task-driven viewpoint and highly focused motivation leave out a<br />great number of other people who are needy in different ways. Seeing<br />Mike's half of the chart would be very helpful in formulating a more<br />effective approach than one based on simply getting tasks done. We'll<br />look at Mike's Emotional Needs in a minute to see how they would<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 63<br />intersect and might actually clash with the Achiever's typically spartan<br />approach.<br />Now for the Affiliator Exec, who's much more people-oriented and<br />people-needy:<br />AFFILIATOR EXEC<br />NEEDS<br />1. Don't want to hurt Mike's feelings.<br />2. If I yell at him he'll become hostile<br />and his and my relationship will<br />suffer.<br />3. Maybe I'll do the report with him.<br />MIKE<br />Here the Fore-Thought Chart serves another purpose. It can put<br />people in touch with those of their own feelings that can sometimes work<br />against the original goals.<br />Affiliators are very sensitive to feelings, so much so that tasks and<br />strong administration are sometimes compromised. This Affiliator, in an<br />effort not to make Mike mad or hurt his feelings, may not insist very<br />effectively that the job get done. With the basic tendency to help out by<br />joining in and doing, Affiliators can keep people from growing and taking<br />responsibility seriously. Take a hard look at the Goals section and then at<br />the way this Affiliator Exec's Needs may compromise those Goals. An<br />Affiliator Exec can satisfy both his emotional Needs and objective Goals,<br />possibly this way:<br />AFFILIATOR EXEC: "You know, Mike, I surely don't want to carry on<br />and make a big scene [taking care of the Affiliator s concern about<br />hurting feelings]. And I do want to treat you like the responsible,<br />capable person I know you are. Let's find out what's wrong right now<br />and solve it so you can get the report done by Monday. That s the final<br />deadline. Fair?"<br />Now for the Influencer Exec, who manages with high personal<br />impact:<br />64 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />INFLUENCER EXEC<br />NEEDS<br />1. Need my power to be acknowledged<br />and affirmed.<br />2. I hate to lose in a confrontation.<br />3. If I don't prevail, how will that<br />affect my authority with others?<br />MIKE<br />How can the Influencer Exec include his Needs in building his<br />strategy? Number 1 on the list says the Exec needs to be reassured that<br />he has his power acknowledged and affirmed. What better way than to<br />continue to assert his power not by simply flaunting it but by truly<br />demonstrating it:<br />INFLUENCER EXEC: "Mike, you know I used to have to do those reports,<br />so I know what it takes. And since I oversee all the processes in this<br />department, lets see where stuff is breaking down so we can troubleshoot<br />our way out of this."<br />First of all, the Exec says he knows all about it—the difficulties and<br />the process itself. By asking for information so he can solve the problem,<br />he shows how much leadership and knowledge (power) he really has. The<br />knowledge to understand what needs fixing; the power to make it<br />happen. This cuts the bombast, the threatening postures, and truly states<br />who's in charge.<br />This approach also solves need number 2, yet avoids the win-lose<br />confrontation. By changing the encounter to a problem-solving quest,<br />the possible heat and dueling is off. Now this may be at odds with how<br />much some people need to pound tables or vent spleen. I understand<br />that, but we're designing winning communication strategies, and the<br />temporary silence table-pounding imposes doesn't result in a lasting<br />win.<br />Number 3—the need to prevail yet concern about what will happen<br />if he doesn't prevail—is also solved since the Exec will help direct the<br />report his way and get it . . . his way! Yet notice that he's also saving<br />Mike's pride and encouraging his participation at the same time that he's<br />taking care of his power image in the eyes of others.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 65<br />Theirs<br />Now let's get to what the other person needs—his inner feelings and<br />hungers. Let's look at our example—Mike—again. But before we do, to<br />get a more spontaneous response, fill out your half of the NEEDS chart<br />and your opposite number's. Don't read Mike's till you do.<br />YOU (Exec) THEY (Mike)<br />NEEDS<br />1. Need to know I can do it.<br />2. Need reasurance that the Exec<br />hasn't lost faith in me.<br />3. Need to still feel a valued part of<br />team.<br />4. Need to be sure peers don't find<br />out.<br />You can see how readily that new approach shown earlier—the<br />constructive problem-solving approach—would fulfill Mike's needs.<br />Creating this side of the chart, the Achiever Exec can tune into<br />Mike's emotional undercurrents. Comparing both sets of Goals and<br />becoming more aware of his/her Emotional Needs as well as Mike's, that<br />Exec can now see the challenge: His/her instinctive approach, in this<br />case based on the task-oriented no-nonsense Achiever personality, needs<br />to add some sensitivity to Mike's very different Needs in order to be<br />successful in accomplishing his/her Goals. He/she could try to add the<br />following to a typical Achiever directive:<br />ACHIEVER EXEC: "Listen, Mike. Let me tell you why I need those<br />reports on time. Actually the whole team does. Your reports are an<br />integral part of how we get the work out of our department. When<br />they're late . . . "<br />By telling Mike why he needs the reports on time, what effect their<br />lateness has, how important Mike's contribution is to the whole team<br />effort, he not only bolsters Mike's self-esteem and team membership<br />but—more importantly—since he's working from knowing Mike's needs<br />as well as his own, he can provide a major motivation for Mike to shape<br />66 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />up. Helping Mike understand the responsibility for others and his effect<br />on the team can make Mike pull his lateness out of the context of a<br />merely personal foible.<br />Explaining your needs and the reasons why someone should do<br />something, rather than a simple "Do it," always engages the other<br />person as a partner.<br />Further, true for any Exec, focusing on how Mike probably feels<br />makes him/her think about not eroding Mike's self-confidence and about<br />what reassurances Mike needs from him.<br />ANY EXEC: "Look, you're hitting a snag. I know you can fix it, and if you<br />see yourself getting behind, come tell me before the reports start being<br />late again so we can solve it. That's what I'm here for. By the way, this<br />is a private matter between us . . ."<br />Bingo! This Exec did three things at once:<br />• Reassured Mike that he can do it and the boss still believes in<br />him.<br />• Made a fail-safe device for Mike and himself ("hitting a snag,"<br />"come tell me") so that he doesn't get caught with late reports<br />again.<br />• Made a safe environment for Mike ("so we can solve it," "private<br />matter") to be sure that Mike will come to see him.<br />A special word about Number 4—the need for face-saving, especially<br />in any group work situation. This is actually a built-in fixture on any list<br />of anybody's needs on both sides of the chart and must be factored into<br />every communications endeavor. It's always there, for all of us. Insensitivity<br />to anyone's pride and instinctive self-protection can sink any<br />communication.<br />Compare<br />Now, let's look at the total chart so far, using the Influencer Exec.<br />The Goals would be the same for all three executive types, but let's use<br />the Power-Wielder/Influencer Exec's NEEDS chart:<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 67<br />YOU (Exec)<br />GOALS<br />1. Get the reports on time.<br />2. Be sure Mike gets the message.<br />3. Don't want to deal with it again.<br />NEEDS<br />1. Need my power to be unchallenged<br />or fear I'll lose it.<br />2. I hate to lose in a confrontation.<br />3. If I don't prevail, how will that<br />affect my authority with others?<br />THEY (Mike)<br />GOALS<br />1. Keep my job. Get promoted.<br />2. Avoid the boss's wrath.<br />3. Try to get the reports in on time.<br />NEEDS<br />1. Need to know I can do it.<br />2. Reassurance that the Exec still has<br />faith in me.<br />3. Need to still feel a valued part of<br />team.<br />4. Be sure peers don't know.<br />Notice first how much more emotional and personal the NEEDS<br />category is than the more cerebral, impersonal GOALS. And how much<br />less NEEDS has to do with getting ahead than with getting "fed" and<br />feeling better. GOALS is outwardly directed; NEEDS is directed<br />inward.<br />I'm sure you also sense how powerful the NEEDS are, and how<br />nagging and insistent, how pervasive would be the feelings they arouse.<br />The combination of both categories obviously provides the major motivations<br />for each party to do anything in this encounter. It also provides<br />the motives for blocking and resisting anything that wouldn't fulfill those<br />outer goals and inner needs.<br />Now you can see the road signs to failure or success in planning your<br />communications strategy.<br />Understanding and taking care of your opposite number's goals and<br />needs, and truly, consciously understanding and accepting your own<br />goals and needs, puts your planning on a solid plane of awareness and<br />informed choice. The amount of sensitivity and thought you put out to<br />probe your own goals and feelings and to imagine and understand Mike's<br />is in direct proportion to how quickly you'll get back what you want and<br />need.<br />Do it yourself<br />Compare the two categories you've filled in on your chart so far.<br />Pretty enlightening, isn't it, to see the directions each side could take<br />68 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />you, and pretty challenging to find strategies that would include both?<br />Before we go on, let's recognize that I've focused more on the<br />personal aspects of the communications problem—how you get someone<br />to "hear" you—and less on simply solving the task itself. Why? Because<br />my premise is that the best way to get the practical task done is to go<br />behind the obvious to start up the real engine that makes us work.<br />Now let's turn to the third category on your chart—Expectations.<br />Probable Expectations<br />This category deals with the fact that we are all conditioned by past<br />experience to imagine what will or could or probably would happen at an<br />upcoming communications encounter.<br />Given previous knowledge of the players—their roles relative to<br />each other, what's going on currently at work, and what reasons there<br />could be for the meeting—anyone could predict a probable scenario,<br />complete with content, style, emotional level, even outcome. It's not<br />only what we've lived that teacheS us how to do this; it's all the books,<br />plays, movies, and TV we've experienced that show us how people<br />usually are and what they usually do in any given set of circumstances.<br />So we all walk around with expectations—stereotypic images of<br />people's interactions in a close or a large encounter that we can call on<br />when faced with an upcoming event. And we all use these to imagine the<br />event because just walking into the unknown creates anxiety. Trying to<br />predict it is preferable to just plain worrying over an impending<br />experience. But curiously enough, we don't do it productively. Just<br />vague, random musings, flashes of images, a general sense of the<br />meeting. Not specific. Not analytical. We don't get added value from this<br />kind of predicting and imagining.<br />That's too bad. Deliberately discovering what you expect will happen<br />helps uncover your mental set and how conditioned you already are<br />toward what you'll do. It helps you scrutinize whether that's the best<br />choice of action, or whether to detour and start on another tack. So much<br />of our communications are based on sheer habit, not designed from<br />current information and deliberation. Anticipating by finding out what<br />you're assuming, and often being surprised at how pointless or selfdestructive<br />or negative it is, can be an enlightening and valuable<br />experience.<br />Even more valuable is trying to predict what your audience expects<br />will happen.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 69<br />Yours<br />Step three in creating your Fore-Thought Chart is consciously to<br />imagine what you expect will happen and what your opposite number<br />expects; to discover what's predictable. Let's see what our Exec might<br />expect to happen at the meeting, especially if he/she fills out his/her<br />whole half of the chart first, which, as I told you, is the best way to do<br />this.<br />YOU (Exec)<br />EXPECTATIONS<br />1. I'll be firm and irritated.<br />2. Mike will apologize and make<br />excuses.<br />3. He'll promise to fix it.<br />4. I'll give him another chance.<br />THEY (Mike)<br />Number 1 on the Exec's list tells us that he will probably move into<br />an emotional mode that we've now discovered won't work. Seeing that in<br />the light of both sides of the chart when he fills it all in can make our Exec<br />reconsider and decide against it. Especially after the insights he'd gain<br />from the other two categories.<br />Numbers 2 and 3 tell us that, no matter what the Exec says, Mike's<br />response is a foregone conclusion. This can alert the Exec to try<br />something quite different, if he really wants to shake Mike up a little and<br />make him think and change. The previous two categories—GOALS and<br />NEEDS—on Mike's side of the ledger will tell the Exec that more<br />bombast, "firm and irritated," isn't going to do it.<br />Therefore he has a chance now to find his way to the approach I<br />recommended—naming the problem, without blame, and then asking<br />questions in order to uncover the underlying flaw, the reason why Mike's<br />reports are always late. This can finally lead to the Exec's helping in the<br />solution.<br />The "no-blame' issue deserves an extra moment of thought. The<br />most destructive thing we do when something goes wrong is to spend<br />time blaming and being judgmental. The dynamics are so wasteful and<br />the outcome so predictable. Here's why:<br />• It's done. Berating for past mistakes cannot fix the past. It can<br />only polarize two people.<br />70 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Everyone, just about, gets defensive when they have goofed. If<br />a goof takes place, harping on it can only make someone extradefensive<br />and therefore resentful and even counter-aggressive.<br />It never "teaches a lesson"! It only evokes anger.<br />• Emphasizing what went wrong and how wrong it was in a<br />judgmental way derails constructive outcomes such as fixing the<br />problem and ensuring that it doesn't happen again.<br />Therefore my recommendation is: Follow a no-fault policy. The<br />guilty party is guilty and generally feels pretty bad about it. Be clear<br />about what went wrong, but let him/her off the defensive hot-seat by<br />analyzing the issue objectively and solving the mistakes impersonally.<br />This saves the apologizing and/or excuses time and eliminates the need<br />to counterattack.<br />Number 4 on the list, "I'll give him another chance," tells the Exec<br />that he really wants Mike to succeed. That he's not ready to make this a<br />last-ditch stand. That his underlying motive is to give Mike another<br />chance.<br />If that's true, then give him the best chance you can. Give Mike new<br />information and tools to climb out of the morass he seems to be stuck in!<br />Help him out! He obviously can't fix it alone or he would have.<br />Theirs<br />Imagining yourself as Mike, in such a situation, can make you stop<br />your plan simply to be "firm" and "irritated." Becoming aware and<br />predicting, as you explore your expectations, that he'll probably be<br />defensive or promise you anything just to be done with the meeting,<br />makes you start thinking of a more productive strategy with a more<br />lasting outcome.<br />An even more important reason to move to the other side of the chart<br />and find out-what Mike expects is the element of surprise.<br />The quickest way to get anyone's attention is to do the unexpected—<br />whether it's a pie in the face (not often recommended in the office) or<br />simply behaving very differently from what someone anticipated.<br />Knowing what Mike thinks will happen, what he expects you're going<br />to do and say, gives you the opportunity to come in from another<br />direction entirely. This has the double benefit of not only making Mike<br />give total attention to the new set of circumstances, with no previously<br />conditioned response at the ready, but also making him come up with a<br />much more genuine and unguarded reaction to what you say and do. To<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 71<br />really hear you. It puts new life and energy into the meeting, into both<br />the discussion process and the outcome.<br />Given the history and the issues, here's what Mike could expect the<br />Exec would do at the meeting:<br />YOU (Exec) THEY (Mike)<br />EXPECTATIONS<br />1. He'll probably be mad.<br />2. He'll demand reports be on time.<br />3. He wont want any lame excuses.<br />4. He wants me to promise to get it<br />right.<br />Seeing this array, it's little wonder that Mike would walk in feeling<br />defensive and insulated from being able to hear and face the truth, and<br />thus from developing new behavior.<br />It's funny. Whenever you assess another's expectations, the other<br />person suddenly becomes much more human in your eyes. You can<br />really see them, sitting around picturing you and what you're like and<br />what you'll do.<br />You can also quickly sense vulnerabilities, anxieties, and aspects<br />you'd never think about if you were only thinking outcomes and<br />conquering opposition. Imagining that other person and his/her expectations<br />makes you deal with the specifics of that person so much more<br />individually and creatively.<br />Look at your own chart again. Did you find yourself falling into<br />stereotypical behavior patterns? Surprised to find out what you were<br />probably going to do? How has knowing this, added to the rest of your<br />chart, changed your strategy?<br />Now, let's look at Mike's side and see what would work:<br />Surprise<br />First, I suggest you use that element of surprise I spoke of. It takes<br />some self-control but it's worth it. Surprise him by not acting mad,<br />although you may be! That's the first splash of cold (actually warm) water<br />you can give him to alert him to the fact that this isn't "business as usual."<br />Instead—start by telling him, in factual and benign terms, that you<br />see a problem:<br />72 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />EXEC: (calmly, pleasantly, factually): "Mike, I think we've hit a snag."<br />Then surprise him even further by stating what he (Mike) probably<br />thought would happen:<br />EXEC: "Now I suppose you think I'm just going to pound on the table<br />and say, 'Dammit, get those reports in on time!' But that's not very<br />constructive, as I see it. Although it would make me feel much better<br />'cause what you're doing is giving me a lot of grief and creating a<br />problem for the whole group."<br />Let's see what this does. You can quickly see that the Exec has<br />defused the situation without losing sight of what he wants to accomplish.<br />He has injected some information about his sensitivity to how Mike<br />probably feels and, very important, how he, the Exec, feels. A human<br />touch, sorely lacking in most such exchanges . . .<br />The most important thing he's done, however, is to use that most<br />elusive, difficult element guaranteed to startle—the truth! Saying out<br />loud what both of you are thinking. Being authentic doesn't happen often<br />enough in our daily lives.<br />The truth is guaranteed to startle whenever we hear it. And to make<br />us feel relieved. It puts us both on solid ground and actually draws us<br />closer. For the boss to tell Mike the truth of how he feels makes it safe<br />for Mike to tell the truth and admit to his feelings, too.<br />The only other ingredient missing in the Exec's opening is a little<br />lightness of touch to get the ball rolling. That's easily inserted. Watch:<br />EXEC: (smiling): "Now I suppose you think I'm just going to pound on<br />the table and say (pounding table in an exaggerated way), 'Dammit, get<br />those reports in on time!' But that's not very constructive, as I see it.<br />(Pauses, laughing) Although it would make me feel much better, I'll tell<br />ya, 'cause what you're doing is giving me a lot of grief and creating a<br />problem for the whole group!" (Then get serious).<br />Adding some animation (see parentheses) and humor to any delivery<br />energizes both of you and gives some balance to the exchange.<br />Humor<br />It's surprising how rarely we allow that extra dimension—lightness<br />and humor—into our business dealings. Work is serious to most<br />everyone. Very serious. But too many people lose their sense of humor<br />and proportion as they concentrate on accomplishing a goal.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 73<br />They particularly don't recognize the power of humor. That lightening<br />the atmosphere can actually strengthen your hand. In any meeting or<br />event, being able to use humor shows you in such control, and so much<br />at ease, that you can afford to lighten up a sober or important situation,<br />and by doing so, lighten the atmosphere for everyone. What control!<br />Powerful! And so welcomed by everyone you're dealing with.<br />Humor has the additional benefit of disarming everyone and cutting<br />tension. To break that toe-to-toe stance allows everyone to put the fists<br />or the defensive armor down for a minute and start afresh.<br />And isn't that what the Exec wants to do? Doesn't he want to<br />make Mike listen and think, without the need to put on a show for the<br />boss? To effect some real changes in Mike's seemingly conditioned<br />pattern?<br />The Exec can afford to lighten up, too, because it's his/her meeting.<br />Since he's running it, he can choose to lighten up whenever he/she needs<br />to.<br />Compare<br />Let's see if this approach, the planned surprise based on knowing<br />what Mike expects, would make all that happen.<br />How would Mike react?<br />• Surprised at the calm, open environment created by the boss,<br />Mike drops some of his defensiveness and thinks: "Hey, this may<br />not be as bad as I thought!"<br />• "You thought I'd pound on the table . . . " says the boss. Mike<br />thinks: "That's right! That's just what I was afraid of. He really<br />does understand my side, too. I never knew that."<br />• "But that's not very constructive . . . " says the boss. Mike gets<br />the word that this will be a constructive meeting, not a recriminatory<br />one.<br />• Exec: "Make me feel much better . . . giving me a lot of grief<br />. . . creating a problem . . . " Mike: "I never thought of it that<br />way before-—'grief,' 'a problem,' for him!"<br />• Exec: ". . . creating a problem for the whole group." Mike: What<br />does he mean, the whole group? How? It's not about them—it's<br />about me and my reports, isn't it?"<br />See what's happening? Remember the Exec's original goals?<br />74 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />EXEC<br />GOALS<br />1. To get the reports on time.<br />2. To fix it permanently.<br />3. For Mike to get the message.<br />MIKE<br />Can you see that the Exec really is on his/her way? And it's not just<br />cosmetics. Mike is in a position now to hear and learn. To be motivated<br />to change because he's beginning to learn the full impact of his lateness<br />with the reports and where it, and he, really fit in the scheme of things.<br />What effect he has on others is an incontrovertible truth, unlike the<br />illusions Mike feeds himself whenever he's late and gives himself solo<br />permission to do.<br />So, we've solved the boss's assignment for Fore-Thought. To plan<br />and think through the situation before you set out, half-cocked, on a<br />course slated for defeat, not success.<br />What about your chart? What new plans did you develop based on it?<br />At this point there's one more piece to add to this chart process.<br />A Chart for the Summoned<br />Can the summoned person use Fore-Thought as well as the summoner?<br />Is any of this process useful to Mike? Could he make a chart as<br />he prepares for this meeting with his boss? Would it help him be more<br />effective?<br />Certainly.<br />Mike, or anyone summoned to a meeting not of their own making,<br />urgently needs to anchor himself with some insights. By thinking through<br />his own Goals, Needs, and Expectations—his own motivation—he gets<br />clear on how he feels about the meeting and what he anticipates. He gets<br />ever truer clarity when he does the boss's half of the equation as well.<br />It isn't easy for a person in a lesser, more dependent position to<br />imagine the realities of the boss's position. It may even look to you that<br />all your problems would be solved if only you were the boss—in charge,<br />on the giving rather than the receiving end.<br />Mike, therefore, will perhaps have some trouble imagining the boss's<br />anxieties, his problems. It's easier for the Exec to look back on his earlier<br />days when he wasn't in charge in order to understand Mike, than for<br />Mike to imagine the boss's position.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 75<br />All the more reason for Mike to try. It will make his response to the<br />boss so much more knowledgeable and effective, so much more responsive<br />to the issues at hand rather than only to his own needs. Mike can<br />then become oriented to my basic premise—give the other person what<br />they need, first, and you'll get yours, too. Or at least some of yours.<br />Discovering, as he focuses on the boss's Goals, that the boss has<br />other goals entirely; that they are practical and necessary ("How do I get<br />Mike to give me those reports on time?") not just muscle-flexing, makes<br />Mike think again about his attitude and what's a more appropriate<br />approach to the meeting.<br />As he charts the boss's inner needs ("I need my people to do what I<br />ask them to do"), Mike begins to develop sympathy for the boss's<br />position, not just for his own.<br />As for Expectations, he could recognize that the boss would expect<br />him to promise to do better. What else would the boss think Mike would<br />do? Say, "Forget it. I'm doing the best I can"? So, if the boss obviously<br />expects a promise but will probably not believe it, Mike had better do<br />something else to shore up his credibility.<br />Recognizing all this, Mike could well begin to rethink his whole<br />position about being late. Why is he? What can he do to change that?<br />How can he get some good, hard advice about another way to do the<br />reports? This thinking could open the way to Mike himself starting the<br />conversation:<br />MIKE: "Before you begin, let me say that I know my reports have been<br />late. I just haven't been able to short-cut enough stuff to get them in on<br />time. Maybe if I talk it through with you, we can find a solution."<br />Bingo again! Mike gains points in three different areas:<br />• He surprises the boss! By not giving an excuse or a promise he<br />gets the boss's attention and sets the boss off on another track.<br />• By taking the initiative, he shows the boss his good intentions<br />and true desire to fix the problem. And that he has courage.<br />• Putting himself in the active "mea culpa" role lessens the need<br />for the boss to make critical comments and shows another side of<br />himself: Mike as positive problem solver, eager and able to<br />change.<br />To sum up: Fore-Thought is crucial to effective communications<br />strategies. Here's a summary and checklist from which to work your<br />Fore-Thought Chart:<br />76 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />FORE-THOUGHT CHECKLIST<br />1. Make a chart.<br />Deliberately writing succinct facts instead of just vaguely thinking<br />about something makes you become aware of all the forces in an<br />upcoming encounter, whether you're the originator of the meeting or the<br />person summoned.<br />2. Take the time to discover and state your own goals.<br />If you dig, you'll find out all you really want to have happen at the<br />meeting, and you can use that as an agenda to be sure it happens.<br />3. Analyze your audience's goals.<br />What outcomes would that person or group logically want from the<br />meeting? See their position clearly. What does he/she or they want from<br />you? Know that they can't give you the fulfillment of your goals unless<br />they get some of theirs, too.<br />4. Be honest about your emotional needs.<br />Without judging whether they are worthy and should be there or<br />not, acknowledge and allow yourself to have emotional needs. Have the<br />courage to find, recognize, and state them, in writing.<br />5. Uncover the other s emotional needs.<br />Through imagination and perception, become aware of what your<br />opposite number's or audience's feelings probably are in relation to the<br />upcoming meeting. Reverse roles to find out what you, or anyone, would<br />need in that situation.<br />Then, given those needs we would all share, go from the general to<br />the specific. If it's someone you know, use your perception and<br />knowledge of this particular person or group to add to your insights about<br />what this person(s) would need emotionally in this situation.<br />6. Find out what you expect to have happen.<br />Derail that knee-jerk reaction. Make yourself recognize and rethink<br />your conditioned style and response to the upcoming situation. Analyze<br />whether that's the best way, given what else you now know.<br />7. Imagine the other s expectations of the meeting.<br />What do they probably expect? Build on that stereotype of what is<br />expected, going for the element of surprise. Open new avenues to a<br />closer meeting of the minds by using another tack than the one most<br />expected.<br />Getting Ready to Communicate 77<br />8. Disarm<br />Use that greatest element of surprise and persuasion—the truth! And<br />don't do the expected: Try a new approach to get attention. And, most of<br />all, don't forget the power of humor.<br />Fore-Thought for Larger Audiences<br />All the processes the Exec went through to understand and better<br />prepare for his one-on-one meeting with Mike work equally well when<br />planning to speak to small group meetings or larger audiences. Here<br />you'd look at the broad picture of what the most common sets of Goals,<br />Needs, and Expectations would be, given the topic and circumstances of<br />your presentation.<br />You'll find more specifics about how to use the Fore-Thought Chart<br />to plan meetings and design speeches in the upcoming chapters specifically<br />devoted to those topics. Right now, let's turn to the next series of<br />steps in developing successul communications at work: How to organize<br />and structure any business encounter.<br />STRUCTURING AND<br />ORGANIZING BUSINESS<br />ENCOUNTERS<br />Have you ever thought about the following factors as you go about<br />the nuts and bolts of planning and scheduling your business encounters?<br />• How we all operate physiologically at work: Energy levels,<br />low/high times of day, the hunger factor, and what effect all these<br />have on how we communicate.<br />• How space and environment affect our creativity and responses.<br />• What is the best time and location to schedule based on the<br />content of your meeting.<br />• How communication affects getting your meeting when you want<br />it.<br />Let's examine some rarely thought of, but basic, truths about people<br />that affect communication in business encounters, and see how to<br />include these when you plan and schedule such encounters.<br />PREPARATION<br />To think through what you mean to accomplish before you even<br />schedule your encounter, and to organize your preparation, you need to<br />take the following steps. This is true whether you are in power and<br />calling the meeting or asking for a meeting with the boss.<br />Choose and Edit Your Goals<br />What Do You Want to Accomplish?<br />First, find out what you want the meeting to produce. Make an<br />objective list. Write it all down, putting everything you'd like to have<br />78<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 79<br />happen on paper in your first pass. There'll be time to select and destroy<br />after you've thought about all these things you would like to accomplish.<br />Once you've written it all down, the editing and selecting should be<br />based on three factors: Practicality, Scope, and Timing.<br />Practicality<br />Be realistic. This probably is not the last, or only, meeting you're<br />going to have.<br />Edit your list based on what is actually doable in this upcoming<br />meeting, given the length of time to prepare and the boss's, or employee's,<br />predisposition toward or previous knowledge about your subject.<br />Decide whether your goals can be achieved in one meeting or need<br />to be accomplished in a series of meetings.<br />Scope<br />Consider who else needs to be involved in your plan. Are they<br />already on track? Do you need separate meetings with them before the<br />big one? Should they be included?<br />Timing<br />Think about whether this is the right time to present this idea or<br />make this request. Consider:<br />• What's going on in your workplace right now? If your agenda<br />involves a request for money or other resources, is business good? Does<br />it need more sales or new ideas? Can it afford yours right now?<br />• Your boss's situation: How receptive would he/she be to your<br />subject matter at this moment? Is he perhaps in the throes of some crisis,<br />personal or business? What does she particularly need and can your<br />material dovetail with that, or is it irrelevant right now?<br />• If your material is out of sync but needs to be handled, how can you<br />make it more timely? Can you find a connection for fitting it in with<br />existing projects and problems?<br />• If you're the boss and your meeting involves an employee or staff<br />member, how can you time what you need to say for maximum<br />receptivity? Have you taken account of personal crises as well as the<br />problems at work? How will they affect the employee's or staff member's<br />capacity to learn, absorb, and act on what you want to make happen?<br />80 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Upcoming holidays or vacations also make a difference. If it's a<br />tough or long-term problem or issue, remember that people get into a<br />disengaged, euphoric mood as holidays or vacations approach. It might<br />be difficult to make them look hard at ongoing work issues until after they<br />come back.<br />Length of Meeting<br />Next, think about how long the meeting should be. With any<br />meeting, ask:<br />• What do you want it to cover?<br />• What forms of support do you need?<br />• Can visual materials be used to shorten presentation times?<br />• Will research or reports be presented?<br />• How long are they? How much time is needed?<br />• Is this complex or sticky? How long will the discussion phase<br />last?<br />• What's the usual time length for meetings in your shop?<br />If it's a new subject or a long one with many ramifications, you might<br />want to see the initial meeting as one of a series.<br />You might start by planning a "pre-meeting," just setting up or<br />introducing the topic with some background on why it's a good idea.<br />Material could then be left behind to back up ideas or plans, thus<br />warming up and enlightening the receiver(s) at their own convenience.<br />This first in a series should not be a very long meeting.<br />Plan to give intro material time to germinate. Hold the next meeting<br />for presentations of the major thrust, the nitty-gritty of your agenda. This<br />meeting will, of course, be longer since you'll plan a discussion period so<br />that everyone understands what it's all about.<br />If it's a shorter, one-shot meeting, think of the length in terms of:<br />• Whether or not the participants already have enough information.<br />• Whether presentation(s) can be made succinctly enough to get it<br />all in.<br />• Whether the multiple things you want the meeting to accomplish<br />are naturally related to each other or belong at separate meetings.<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 81<br />SCHEDULING THE MEETING<br />After you've selected the basic agenda issues, get your meeting<br />scheduled. But wait. There is more thinking involved before you just<br />take that walk down the hall or pick up the phone.<br />Optimally, when you call a meeting with boss, peers, clients, or staff,<br />you're looking for people to give their best: undivided attention,<br />high-energy focus, a receptive and open frame of mind. Many factors<br />govern our ability to give all this. They can all be affected by scheduling.<br />Although the reality of the workplace may not always allow you total<br />discretion about when and where you'll schedule a meeting, I'll now give<br />you the best-of-all-possible-worlds suggestions.<br />When to Meet<br />Time of Day<br />Choosing the best time of day and day of the week is the first step<br />toward successful business encounters. To customize one-on-one meetings<br />for optimal conditions, your choice should take into account the<br />unique work habits of your opposite number and the demands of his/her<br />work and personal life. For larger groups, some basic truths about all of<br />us and how we respond at different times of the work-day and days of the<br />work-week should be considered. Here are several key factors:<br />Bio-rhythms<br />Everyone operates with a different metabolic clock. Some people are<br />"chirpers," arising with the dawn, able to move mountains before ten<br />o'clock. Others are "night owls," whose bio-rhythmic curve rises as the<br />days goes on. They really hit their stride late in the day and love to work<br />far into the night, while the "chirpers," losing their speed by midafternoon,<br />are happy to put the brain to bed early.<br />Although we may not all be totally one or the other, the general<br />categories of "chirper" and "night owl" cover most all our bio-rhythmic<br />curves.<br />Therefore, for top attention and energy, become aware of your own<br />and your opposite number(s)' energy patterns. Try to take these into<br />account as you schedule your meeting.<br />If it's a large organization, try to find out enough about the other<br />82 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />person(s) from secretary or colleagues to know what time of day to call<br />the meeting, based on usual work habits, etc. And know yourself well<br />enough to give yourself a break by selecting your best time, too. But if<br />these two times are at loggerheads, put your opposite(s)' preference first.<br />Your adrenals will pump you up well enough to overcome your lack of<br />energy!<br />Hunger<br />Maximum receptivity also has to do with feeding. In our taskoriented<br />work world, hunger sounds like something you should be able<br />to control. But when we near feeding time, two involuntary things<br />happen:<br />• Our blood sugar gets low. We feel a real drop in energy as well as<br />a heightened drive to get fed. It's hard to concentrate on anything except<br />wanting food! We become cranky and see any obstacle to getting filled up<br />as a decided irritant, to be gotten rid of as soon as possible. Not a good<br />frame of mind in which to concentrate.<br />• Feeling hungry makes us feel depleted and deprived. We become<br />very needy and self-involved, looking for deposits, not withdrawals. This<br />hardly puts us in a frame of mind to give away anything—whether it's<br />hard cash, acquiescence to a new idea, or even the benefit of the doubt.<br />Therefore, the hunger factor must always be considered. And not<br />only in relation to lunch.<br />• Mid-morning is often pick-me-up time, when you need another<br />energy charge to feel sated, especially if lunch in your neck of the woods<br />is usually at one o'clock.<br />• Late in the day also needs a charge to keep us going at work, from<br />a mid-afternoon snack if lunch was early to a four o'clock pick-up if the<br />work day doesn't end till six or beyond.<br />If you're absolutely stuck with the wrong meeting hour, bring a<br />nibble into the meeting or even just some coffee to take the edge off. No,<br />this isn't overdoing it. Feeding people at a low ebb in their energy not<br />only perks them up; it has the added advantage of putting you psychologically<br />in the position of gift giver before you ask for something.<br />One last thought on this: Don't plan meetings too soon after lunch.<br />Making your opposite number have to cut lunch short to get back to you<br />and your meeting is hardly the mental set you want to begin with. Get<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 83<br />some hard information about when he/she usually returns, when he/she<br />will be going out to lunch on the day of your meeting, etc. Give an extra<br />half-hour to allow for lateness and the inevitable messages that are always<br />waiting to be handled as soon as he/she gets back from lunch.<br />"Rush Hours"<br />Traffic going and coming from work causes many people to make<br />elaborate arrangements, if they possibly can, to beat the crunch.<br />Find out when your other participant(s) likes to leave or arrive at<br />work and how successfully he/she/they carry that out. The last thing you<br />want is to face a fuming, irate survivor of the daily transportation<br />struggle.<br />• Some people love to arrive at 7:00 A.M. to get a head start on their<br />work. They might be very receptive to a breakfast meeting or at least a<br />very early one. (More about the pros and cons of eating-meetings in the<br />next section.)<br />• People who take trains have very rigid schedules and begin to get<br />uptight as the witching hour approaches. Asking the boss for a late<br />afternoon meeting can be deadly unless you know that he/she is very<br />loose about which train he catches.<br />• Bosses should be aware that car-pooling has its own set of<br />disciplines and you may not be dealing with a totally self-determining<br />employee when you call a meeting at the end of the day or first thing in<br />the morning. This creates great tension for an underling who has to ask<br />to terminate a meeting called by a superior, or who comes late through<br />no fault of his own. Very late or very early meeting planners—beware!<br />Distractions<br />The last aspect of the best meeting time to consider is: When can you<br />get undivided attention?<br />• If you're going to someone else's office for the meeting, ask or<br />observe and discover the other person's work schedule.<br />• If the meeting is in your office, think about when you are least likely<br />to have to take calls or make decisions as well as when your opposite<br />number is least likely to get called away.<br />84 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Knowing how things usually go in your shop (when meetings are<br />called, what time of day is big crunch or deadline time, etc.) is a start<br />toward determining the least distracting time of day.<br />Work Habits<br />When does the boss like to clear the desk, return calls, read reports,<br />or think, and when is he/she busiest or most pressured? This requires<br />some insider information. If your workforce is small and the boss highly<br />visible, you can probably answer for yourself. If not, ask his/her secretary<br />when you make your appointment. (More on how to do this later.)<br />Which Day<br />The Content<br />The determination about choosing which day should be made based<br />on subject matter and the follow-up you want.<br />• Monday finds people needing to get in gear, to remember what<br />they left undone from last week, and generally to push themselves up to<br />work speed after a weekend of winding down. On the other hand, it has<br />the advantage of still-clear heads, before the week's demands overtake<br />the empty spaces. It also means that you have a whole week to work on<br />something and meet about about it, providing some continuity.<br />• Friday is indeed the day of surfeit, with people generally hanging<br />on till the weekend respite comes. It feels more like ending something<br />than a time to consider beginning something or suddenly having an<br />added factor to think about. Friday afternoons are the worst time to<br />challenge people to just think. It's also difficult for them not to ruminate<br />about when the meeting will be over!<br />• A meeting about a big subject should happen Monday, later in the<br />morning, with a plan to touch base again during the week. (Don't neglect<br />the coffee here.)<br />• One-shot meetings of benign information giving or getting can<br />happen on any day, but keep the basic time-of-day principals in mind.<br />• Bad news or criticism meetings should not happen on Fridays.<br />Friday has an air of finality to it. It gives the recipient a weekend of<br />ruminating and blowing things out of all proportion, coming to work<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 85<br />Monday with a heavy heart rather than with renewed determination to<br />do better.<br />If you hold critical meetings during the week (just before lunch or<br />before going home at the end of the day), you give the person a break and<br />a chance to cool off before needing to go back to work and face you. You<br />also give him/her a chance to recoup within the work-week setting and to<br />get feelings back to normal before the weekend. Additionally, this choice<br />also gives him/her a chance to implement some of what you suggest, even<br />to discuss it again.<br />To wrap up: Timing (time of day and which day) and individual<br />bio-rhythms and work habits are often ignored, but they're a vital tool.<br />They can affect you adversely if you are unaware of their effect or don't<br />offset them. They can guarantee a longer attention span, a more willing<br />listener, a more alert participant, or leave you vaguely wondering why<br />the meeting didn't go too well.<br />The next thing to consider in planning meetings is where. Although<br />this is not always at the planner's discretion, let's discover the best<br />environment for a meeting or encounter.<br />Where to Meet<br />Work spaces are meant to be practical and are analyzed first for their<br />functional aspects, but we also respond emotionally to our work environments.<br />Our Need for Personal Space<br />Think about yourself on a long plane ride. Did you ever notice how<br />quickly you stake out your territory at your seat to make it uniquely,<br />cozily, familiarly yours? Where and how you stow your gear for best<br />access; how you arrange your blanket and pillow and how that quickly<br />becomes a personal comfort zone; how you carve out a little work space<br />right there; and how suddenly it all loses its meaning when you arrive at<br />your destination and no longer need your own unique "space'?<br />We snuggle in and do that same personalizing with our bit of turf at<br />the beach, in a hotel room—whenever we find ourselves in an alien<br />environment. Our basic sense of nesting and shelter and our need to<br />make our dent in an impersonal world prompt us to make any space<br />we're in for a while our own.<br />Therefore we become sensitive to the messages any environment<br />86 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />gives us and we all respond to the space we're in. So it's important to look<br />at what messages and responses meeting environments generate.<br />"Turf" and Power<br />The most important thing to consider about spaces at work is the<br />relative amount of power that differing work environments connote.<br />Therefore, depending on what you wish to accomplish, the choice of<br />meeting location must be carefully considered from the power point of<br />view and for the messages it sends.<br />• Who's calling the meeting and for what reason?<br />• How do you want your opposite number(s) to feel?<br />• Do you want him/her/them to be aware of how much power you<br />have?<br />• Do you want to downplay the power so your opposite number(s)<br />feels more secure?<br />• Are you trying to neutralize the power issue in order to motivate<br />and build a team spirit?<br />• Do you perhaps wish to add a personal touch? To relax your<br />client, employee, or co-worker?<br />• What effect does eating-and-meeting have?<br />Let's look at each of the most common meeting environments for the<br />statements they make and the effects they create. We'll focus on the<br />players, the subject matter, and the desired outcome.<br />Your Office<br />The most important effect of "my office" is one of turf. Be aware of<br />the obvious ownership and power your office connotes. Look at it. It's<br />filled with your things: your calendar, your urgent work spread before<br />you, your trophies and awards displayed, your pictures and mementos<br />on the wall—in short, your turf.<br />This fact creates the following response: It makes the other person<br />feel like a fish out of water—his or her water. Your office obviously sends<br />"someone else's seat of power" messages to whoever enters it. It speaks<br />of someone else exercising sole discretion and judgment about how<br />things are done in that space. It's clearly not the space where the visitor<br />does that, too.<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 87<br />Your office is therefore:<br />• Challenging to a person who also feels power, or needs to.<br />• Threatening to a person who doesn't feel power.<br />• Official and serious, even scary, to an employee—kind of like<br />going to the principal's office when you were a kid.<br />• A plus if your employee wants the reassurance of your power,<br />which may then be used on his/her behalf.<br />The challenge in your office is to reassure meeting participants that<br />although you do have the power, you can be flexible and responsive, too.<br />Their Office<br />Going to someone else's office implies respect.<br />• It gives him/her extra turf, especially if you're the senior person.<br />• It puts that person at ease, because we all respond with comfort to<br />familiar surroundings. Our eyes subliminally send us the message that<br />"all is well, we're in our own cave, nothing can get us here."<br />• If you're a peer, going to someone else's office gives him/her a leg<br />up, but in certain circumstances you might want to do just that: to flatter<br />and thus disarm him/her in order to get a more receptive audience.<br />• If you're the boss, going to a staff member's office has the element<br />of the unusual and the noteworthy. Employees don't usually get a visit<br />from the boss.<br />• If you want to do some motivating and team building, the<br />informality and gesture of appreciation that going to his/her office implies<br />is very effective. Again, remember to tell your employee and make a real<br />appointment. You could still keep it casual and relaxed by saying, "Let<br />me drop by your office tomorrow at about three to talk over a few<br />things. "<br />• It's very informative to see where someone else works and to<br />discover what symbols they use to say "power" and "comfort" and "mine "<br />to themselves and to others.<br />• It tells you something about someone else's work habits (cluttered<br />desk or cleared and organized, reference books all over the place, other<br />interests suggesting a sense of balance and proportion, etc.)<br />88 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />If you wish going to someone else's office to have a benign effect,<br />plan it. Don't just drop in! That's a real shocker and brings up panicked<br />thoughts like "My office is a mess!" "Why didn't I put my lunch away?"<br />and so on. (Of course, having the boss see you as such an avid worker that<br />you don't even leave for lunch is not all bad!)<br />Neutral Territory<br />A conference room or other generic work area that has no unique<br />personal identity is still another meeting environment with built-in<br />messages. This kind of territory says:<br />"Concentrated, Objective WORK Done Here."<br />• It implies focusing on a subject, on problem solving, not on each<br />other.<br />• It speaks of leaving the daily considerations of the job outside<br />while you both (or all) direct total effort toward a discreet topic.<br />• It speaks of the anonymous and transitory nature of the meeting—<br />that no one makes a real dent or leaves a mark here, and<br />that the waters close over and erase what you did as soon as you<br />leave, making ready for the next users.<br />The down side of conference rooms is that they are very impersonal.<br />Effort must be made, if the meeting is a lengthy or intense one, to warm<br />up this environment and make it personal.<br />• The colors and accouterments in such a room have a great bearing<br />on how much such an environment invites people to give their all for an<br />abstract idea and how stimulating it is creatively. Notice that ambiance<br />and use it as a decision factor, too.<br />• Conference rooms need to be made more nurturing environments<br />if you want people to put out and give much of themselves. Meetings in<br />conference rooms should therefore include feeding, both for its breakin-<br />the-proceedings value as well as for two sensual messages it sends to<br />the participants: the feeling of being "stoked up," which encourages<br />people to put out more energy, and the feeling of being valued and cared<br />about because someone is aware of and giving to them.<br />Consider going to a neutral territory conference room if one of your<br />goals is to equalize the proceedings and get everyone focused on<br />business, not on oneupsmanship.<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters<br />To Lunch or Not to Lunch<br />The Up Side<br />The greatest single attribute of a lunch meeting is getting to know<br />each other better and gaining the kinds of information you can tuck away<br />and work with at your leisure to round out the picture of a person you're<br />dealing with.<br />• Lunch can be a uniquely disarming experience, giving the lunchers<br />a chance to discover other personal aspects that would never come up at<br />work. The usual discussion of food, complete with likes and dislikes; the<br />choices you each make; how fast or slowly each of you eats; your table<br />manners; what, or if, you drink; how you each handle the waiter—all of<br />these added dimensions give great meaning and value to lunch as a<br />meeting-time choice, especially if you notice and absorb the personal<br />information.<br />• You break into the middle of the day but solve that hunger problem<br />I mentioned earlier, the one that causes people to be unreceptive and<br />ungiving. Actually getting fed as they listen and talk causes people to feel<br />more generous and less threatened.<br />• The kind of small talk you can engge in over lunch is unique in<br />terms of typical work encounters. Sitting around a table automatically<br />puts people in a much more relaxed and unwary frame of mind than any<br />office meeting. The informality, the sense of community, of belonging, of<br />jokes and chatting—the total pleasure state that eating itself brings—all<br />these conditioned responses subliminally color any lunch experience.<br />They generate a more outgoing and revealing flow of talk about any<br />subject than the product-oriented discussions of focused meetings in<br />offices or conference rooms.<br />• People have a tendency to tell you more about what they care about<br />and believe in—much of it unconsciously—over lunch. This provides a<br />great source of knowing more about what makes the other person tick.<br />The conversation can flow from what motivates them and what evokes<br />resistance to what their private lives are like all the way to who are/were<br />their heroes and what are the meaningful influences in their lives.<br />• The sense of sharing and closer ties you both walk away with, if you<br />can relax and thus get to know each other better as people, moves your<br />relationship to a new level at work and is therefore a valuable investment.<br />90 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />The Down Side<br />If you mean your meeting to be very productive and efficient in a<br />specific way, lunch creates problems.<br />• There are interruptions for ordering and eating which may disrupt<br />an important moment.<br />• The defocused time spent chatting, although beneficial if you know<br />what to do with what you're learning, can also cause you not to get to a<br />tangible result.<br />• Writing notes or working with documents is very difficult at a table<br />full of pasta and Perrier.<br />Lunch is much better for generic kinds of fact finding than the<br />pointed office meeting huddled over a worktable. It gives you information<br />of a more informal and personal nature you'd probably never get in<br />your office. It's a good place to generate or test ideas and get responses,<br />but not a good place to try to come away from with an exact written<br />product.<br />Breakfast Meetings<br />The Up Side<br />The best aspect of breakfast meetings is the untrammeled nature of<br />everyone's mind at that hour of the morning. Able to focus tightly before<br />the daily demands move in and fight for equal time, your meeting mate<br />or mates will be very receptive to focusing on your wavelength.<br />The Down Side<br />Breakfast meetings are a burden and a chore if you're a "night owl"<br />and not a "chirper." "Night owls" think grim thoughts about the<br />generator of such an ungodly and uncivilized get-together. Know your<br />invitees!<br />To wrap up: The decision of where to meet depends on what your<br />meeting is about. The working atmosphere you choose or create can help<br />or hinder your results, as does your timing.<br />I think I can hear some of you saying, "These ideas are very useful<br />if you have several choices, but I'm in a small business and have no other<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 91<br />place to meet than my office." There are several techniques I will show<br />you in the "Openers section of Chapter 6 on Close Encounters about how<br />to neutralize or change your office's power impact when you have your<br />meeting.<br />The next step, after choosing when and where and how long a<br />meeting you'd like, is to go about making it happen.<br />GETTING ON THE CALENDAR<br />How formal you need to be in setting up the meeting depends on<br />your work circumstances and relationship(s) with the person(s) you want<br />to see. The key watchwords are sensitivity and flexibility as you go about<br />scheduling to get on someone's calendar.<br />Techniques<br />"How Long?"<br />Be very clear, before you ask for the appointment, about how much<br />time you'll really need.<br />Don't get unrealistic and back down about this when faced with<br />someone's busy schedule. Stay flexible, but remember to allow enough<br />time to get the material covered and your message across and to have a<br />question-and-answer discussion period. Always opt for the longer time<br />when you're offered two time slots. You can always end sooner, but it's<br />hard to stretch a meeting when the next appointment is waiting.<br />"What's It About?"<br />• If it's something you both (or all) know about, mention the subject<br />since that builds in an already existing interest and the reassurance that<br />there won't be too much challenge or surprise. Add some new wrinkle to<br />make the meeting more compelling, like, "There's something else to<br />think about in relation to X." Don't give away what that something is.<br />Just gear your opposite number(s) up to thinking a little more about<br />subject X.<br />• If it's a complex or innovative kind of meeting, you may need to be<br />vague. The big goal here is to create a receptive environment, but not<br />give an abbreviated version of the topic itself. Just say enough to interest,<br />92 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />but not enough to challenge too soon. "Some new thoughts on that<br />project I think will interest you,'" or, "Something to do with making more<br />money for the company" (that'll get them every time). What you're<br />looking for is enough information to create some positive anticipation and<br />a "clean-slate" kind of mindset.<br />• If you're the senior person and the thrust of your meeting will be<br />a negative one, the less defensiveness you can create, the better. Don't<br />give it away, allowing the other person to build up a head of anxiety. Try<br />something general like "I haven't talked with you for a while and there<br />are some things I'd like to go over . . . "<br />"I'll Get Back to You . . . "<br />Be sure you are clear about how you will get confirmation of your<br />appointment. Either get it right then, through the person involved, or<br />from the secretary, if she has the authority to do it on her own. Asking<br />her to confirm with the boss brings up a ticklish subject: The "I'll get<br />back to you" syndrome.<br />Don't let go of your options at this moment. If you say, "Okay," when<br />she/he says that, or volunteer it by saying, "Please get back to me," you<br />have no recourse but to passively wait for a call or to call if you don't hear<br />and become an unwelcome nag.<br />On the other hand, if you establish that you'll be the one to call back<br />and confirm, you keep the initiative. You then have the right to call, to<br />press a little and, generally, to keep actively running the show.<br />Say, "I'm going to be out of my office a lot in the next few days," or,<br />"I'll be at meetings and hard to reach," or, "I need to confirm this rather<br />quickly so I can get materials together. Let me call you this afternoon."<br />In any case, ask when she/he can make it definite or when she'll see the<br />boss to confirm. Then make an appointment with the secretary about the<br />best time to call back to get the exact meeting time.<br />Person-to-Person Approach<br />If the atmosphere at your job is informal, with a small cast of<br />characters, you can simply suggest a time directly to the boss or person(s)<br />you wish to see. (This presupposes that you've gone through all the<br />"what, where, when, and if" planning considerations.) Select and ask for<br />the best time first, but have two more possibilities at the ready to allow<br />for the other's schedule needs. Be sure your other choices also have your<br />timing considerations in mind, so you don't get caught short.<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 93<br />Always try to make this approach in a place where the other person<br />can get to his/her calendar easily. Useless to get verbal agreement and<br />then lose it to reality. By the way, as you discuss the meeting, notice the<br />response to your request. Use it as an indictor of how he/she anticipates<br />the meeting, and use those clues in mapping your Fore-Thought Chart.<br />Through a Secretary<br />• Priorities and goals<br />Think first about the secretary's priorities and goals. Her/his job is to<br />keep the boss's schedule workable and to protect him/her from overload<br />or uncomfortable situations. This protects the secretary from an irate<br />boss, so it really matters.<br />Therefore, secretaries want some information up front; how much<br />time, what day would you like to start talking about (you rarely get your<br />first preference), and probably something of what it's about, since some<br />bosses like their secretaries to screen such requests and/or consult with<br />the boss before giving appointments.<br />These priorities and considerations are at the top of the secretary's<br />self-interest column, and you know that her/his self-interest needs to be<br />satisfied before she/he can be receptive to yours.<br />• Personal Needs<br />A secretary also needs the affirmation that her/his job is important<br />and that you appreciate that fact—-and them. Secretaries need for you to<br />see and value their individual identities and to treat them as such.<br />A major turnoff to any secretary is being treated like a cipher.<br />(Sounds obvious? Ask a secretary how often it happens!) A secretary on<br />your side as you try to schedule can be enormously helpful; a hostile one<br />can find many ways to block your entrance.<br />Through a Familiar Secretary<br />For those who have difficulty making small talk:<br />Begin by taking a moment to share pleasantries, asking about a<br />holiday, etc. Always learn a secretary's name! Remember what you<br />learned about her/him on your last encounter (vacation in the Bahamas,<br />plays Softball on the company team, new baby, etc.) and ask for an<br />update. Share something of yourself as well (comment on the season, a<br />news or personal event, etc.) before you state your case. Then:<br />"I need about thirty minutes with X." Before you say when, ask<br />94 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />what the schedule looks like for the next week or so. This is also an<br />opportunity to get the timing and work-habits information on your<br />opposite number.<br />In talking, you might casually ask what time her boss usually likes to<br />have meetings: morning, afternoon? Does he/she usually work late or<br />need to make a train? And so on.<br />Or you can be more direct, depending on your style: "You know, I'd<br />like to catch him at a good time, maybe before all the pressures of work<br />get to him. How about early morning meetings? Does he do that?"<br />Or, "So we don't rush through, tell me what time does she generally<br />go off to lunch? When does she usually get back?"<br />If your questions are put on the basis of finding a mutually agreeable<br />time that will best take into consideration the well-being of the secretary's<br />boss, she/he will probably be very amenable to answering.<br />Ask about major pressures coming up (such as board meetings that<br />require preparation, visiting firemen, etc.) or if the schedule is relatively<br />free. This last can also give you the additional information on your timing<br />and how receptive his/her frame of mind would be right now to your<br />meeting topic.<br />When the secretary asks what the meeting is about, use the answers<br />about content that I suggested above.<br />However, it it's urgent business, you must get that across, too. If you<br />have a problem to solve, state just that, without telling what it is ("I'd<br />rather discuss it in person'), unless you need to get specific to increase<br />the sense of urgency.<br />A Secretary You Don't Know<br />Your powers of persuasion are brought into full play here. Start with<br />something like "You're just the person who can help me." This establishes<br />both your need and her/his power. Then, "I need to see your boss<br />for half an hour and I know you're the keeper of the book." What follows<br />is probably "Who are you?" "Does he/she know you?" "What shall I say<br />it's about?" Titles are vital here, if you're a stranger, but the big seller is<br />to say why the boss should see you.<br />Remember about motivation; his first! Not, "I want to show him<br />. . . " but, "It's about developing a new market for his product . . ."Be<br />intriguing about what your thrust will be—always keeping that selfinterest<br />beacon before you.<br />If you're in the organization somewhere, your mutual interest in the<br />good of the company is your primary link.<br />Structuring and Organizing Business Encounters 95<br />If you're from outside the company, you'd better come up with a<br />good reason for that person also to need this meeting . . .<br />Okay. Now you're on the calendar. The wheels are in motion. What's<br />next? Designing what you have to say: the content, the order, the pacing.<br />It's also time to figure out the best way to present: what to show, what<br />to tell, and what to leave behind.<br />DESIGNING<br />PRESENTATIONS<br />What Captures Attention and<br />Understanding<br />There you sit.<br />You're scheduled to make a presentation. Now you have to decide<br />what you're going to say, and how.<br />"How should I begin? What's the most effective/persuasive/<br />informative thing I can do or say? What's the best way to explain<br />this complex (or disconcerting or negative or unexpected or demanding<br />or costly) message? Should everything be explained only verbally?<br />When should I stop for questions? What if they disagree or get<br />hostile?"<br />You sit there picturing your audience.<br />"He/she/they could look bored. Perhaps confused. Glancing at their<br />watches . . . "<br />If you don't imagine at least some of the above, please do.<br />You are embarking on an extremely difficult task.<br />You want to move your listener(s) from an inert, self-involved state<br />to actively participating in your subject. It takes a major effort to capture<br />and energize them so they rise to your occasion (which you hope to make<br />their occasion).<br />You also want them to understand what you will explain: something<br />you understand and care about but that others don't, or may not even<br />care to understand. And you want to persuade them enough to buy your<br />idea, product, or point of view.<br />Even to be willing to spend money or effort on it—two things no one<br />gives away without a struggle.<br />Wow!<br />What you need are some foolproof fundamentals about what best<br />makes people listen and understand, so you can design a presentation<br />96<br />Designing Presentations 97<br />that will work for you and help you reach your goal in all kinds of business<br />encounters.<br />The good news is that there are some proven communication<br />guidelines to help you make choices for better presentations. There are<br />known ways in which people learn and absorb information, stay interested,<br />and get persuaded. There are also some basic principles that<br />govern what turns people off, what makes them resistant, and what<br />confuses them.<br />GUIDELINES FOR DESIGNING PRESENTATIONS<br />What kind of presentation are you faced with?<br />• A speech to a peer group or to a first-time audience?<br />• A presentation of a report at a meeting?<br />• A one-on-one or one-on-several explanation of an idea?<br />• A sales pitch?<br />• A request made to the boss?<br />• A reprimand to an employee?<br />It's odd, but the same content design process applies to all of these<br />"presentations."<br />There is a general structure and pattern people use when we think<br />and listen. Your progression from topic to topic and how you build<br />toward your final conclusion requires that you use these already existing,<br />ingrained thinking and listening systems in order for your listeners to<br />follow and understand you.<br />Let's find out what these learning/listening systems are.<br />How We Think<br />The human mind depends on order and logic to absorb data and<br />formulate answers. It relies on previously programmed material to make<br />sense of, and process, new information. Your brain cannot accept a<br />message when it:<br />• Lacks enough or the right kind of information;<br />• Has no frame of reference;<br />98 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Is unable to find a familiar hook or frequency on which to tune<br />in;<br />• Can't connect the parts of what it's hearing.<br />Our minds prompt us to ask for help when we don't understand:<br />"What did you say again?" "What do you mean?" "Wait, I don't<br />understand." In casual conversation that works, as we make the teller<br />slow down and re-explain or try another tack to help us understand. But<br />there are two problems:<br />• In a formal presentation, we CAN'T ask till it's too late—and by that<br />time it doesn't matter because we've already long since tuned out.<br />• Most of the time we WON'T ask. It's our nature to prefer staying<br />confused to losing face by admitting that we don't understand what was<br />just said. We often see the work arena as too dangerous a place to admit<br />we don't understand and to ask for help.<br />So in the workplace, as elsewhere, we are left to depend on others;<br />on the skills of "tellers" and explainers to be clear and give us what we<br />need so we can understand because we won't, or can't, ask. Unfortunately,<br />those "skills of others" are often fumbling or sorely lacking, so we<br />sit through endless experiences wondering, "What is this about?" "Who<br />cares?" "How boring"—wasting what could have been a time of real<br />information gathering and exchange.<br />Most people, when called upon to "tell," are still only amateur<br />talkers, not skilled orators, naturally gifted rational and coherent explainers,<br />or trained and inspired storytellers. Our instincts don't automatically<br />bring us to present information systematically, with logic and order.<br />This state of affairs conditions us to expect to be bored or confused<br />whenever we hear the word "speech," or "report," or "presentation."<br />It's time to demystify the communication process and set about<br />purposefully learning what works, what doesn't, and why. The final<br />responsibility for your listeners getting your message is yours, the<br />"teller's,"<br />To help you develop foolproof techniques for organizing and presenting<br />material so that your audience of one or many will stay tuned in<br />and get your message, here are some principles about how people absorb<br />information best. They'll also help you be aware of pitfalls, of what kinds<br />of presentation techniques don't work, and why.<br />Designing Presentations 99<br />What We Need So We Understand and Stay Interested<br />For maximum efficiency and minimum audience confusion and<br />resistance, you, as a "teller," need first to tune into the learning/listening<br />systems already inherent in our brains.<br />The Mind Demands Order<br />To plan any presentation of information, you must create a coherent<br />system that is readily apparent and recognizable. Not only the information<br />itself but also how you present it must follow a systematic, orderly<br />plan.<br />Information Giving Must Follow the Laws of Logic<br />Chronology and logic are built into the human brain. They are<br />definite, predictable ways we gather, organize, and interpret information.<br />To introduce new material to an audience, you must allow their<br />brains to hook into old, well-known, comfortable information-processing<br />systems. To absorb new material or make sense of any material, your<br />audience needs for you to follow a logical progression. In real life "A"<br />does truly come before "B ' and "C." So it must in your presentation.<br />Start at the beginning . . .<br />Television Has Conditioned Us to Logical Progression<br />Since television news, talk shows, and documentaries are now the<br />major vehicles by which most people accumulate serious information, it's<br />efficient to use the ways TV has conditioned us to process information.<br />This conditioning has trained your audience to respond to a certain<br />pattern of information delivery that facilitates and speeds understanding.<br />As you read the next paragraphs, picture an issue or idea you want to<br />explain. See how these techniques can apply to your information giving.<br />On TV, new information is edited to be shown in three stages: the<br />Long Shot, the Medium Shot, and the Close-Up. (Now you'll have a<br />professional reason to watch television, so you can see how it's done.)<br />• The Long Shot. This is the orientation shot. It shows us the room,<br />the street, the whole head of lettuce. It establishes context: Where we<br />are; who's there; what they're doing. It familiarizes us with the general<br />size, shape, color, concept; the parameters within which sits what we're<br />about to learn. Then comes<br />100 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• The Medium Shot. This draws us closer. It peels away some of the<br />outer leaves. By tightening our field of vision, it draws us further into the<br />idea or event, beginning to eliminate the unimportant features. It makes<br />us start concentrating on where the teller is going, on what the heart of<br />the matter might be. By giving us some more detail, the teller intrigues<br />us to want to know still more as we absorb the more focused data we've<br />just been given. Then we move in for<br />• The Close-Up. Now we're at it. This is where the teller was going<br />all along. This is what he/she wanted us to consider and think about. This<br />is where we will stay, to learn and discover the message the teller already<br />knew.<br />The Longshot-Medium-Close-Up sequence of zooming into the<br />details after you first establish the general context and the basic idea<br />works best as an information-giving system because it makes instant<br />sense to us. It establishes chronology and order, making sense out of<br />context and detail. Using this logical and familiar system of going from<br />the general to the specific doesn't get in the way of absorbing the data;<br />it helps us.<br />We cannot understand from just a pile of lettuce leaves what the<br />leaves do and how a whole lettuce looks. We need to either break it down<br />from the whole or build it up from its parts. But in either case we need<br />grounding in a basic context.<br />Order of Presentation Affects How We Absorb Data<br />• Starting with the whole<br />Peeling back layers makes us more curious about what it is and how<br />it works. It's easier to get us engrossed in gathering more data as each<br />succeeding layer is revealed when we know what we started with.<br />Example: Opening a package. As we remove the wrapping, open the<br />box, unfold the tissue, our interest rises the closer we get and the more<br />we keep discovering and anticipating. This is one way to explain an idea.<br />Like giving a gift.<br />• Starting with the parts<br />Building up from the parts to form the mysterious, previously<br />unseen whole is another way. This makes us forcus on the final product.<br />We're much more curious about seeing the finished whole than we are<br />about the properties of the parts themselves.<br />Example: A jigsaw puzzle. The essentially abstract pieces serve as<br />Designing Presentations 101<br />tools to get us to our goal—constructing the whole. By themselves they<br />have no particular value. They do intrigue us to want to put them<br />together and see how they fit and what they make. Explaining an idea<br />this way is very intriguing but there must be some early indication (like<br />the picture of the completed puzzle on the box) that the whole will be of<br />some value and worth the wait. Its best use is to show the importance of<br />the parts, how they fit, and what their role is.<br />• Cutting through to the heart of the matter<br />Getting right to the core issue in one shot is also a familiar system<br />and possible for us to understand. The "pronouncement" approach. This<br />can startle us and intrigue us to draw closer, or it cars stand as a statement<br />by itself, telling us the bottom line.<br />Example: A newspaper headline. We know that we're getting just<br />one statement. We subconsciously recognize that the gradual accumulation<br />of information as well as the ability to gain more data and detail has<br />been edited out. Just a shortcut to the end product remains, making only<br />the end product of primary importance. Its best use? Making a major<br />definitive statement or a final conclusion right at the beginning to startle<br />and entice us to learn more.<br />Opposing Natural Information-Processing Systems<br />Disturbs Us<br />Because it's easy to follow the familiar systems, we sit up sharply and<br />take notice when something is presented in direct opposition to them,<br />like unrelated objects, random ideas, haphazard connections, illogical<br />reasoning, or unfinished phrases. Use such techniques, like presenting<br />something out of order—i.e., medium shot, close-up, long shot—<br />consciously and deliberately. Be aware of their effect. Use them only<br />because they engender special attention. If you are simply negligent or<br />disorderly, you'll lose your point and your audience.<br />Do Not Frustrate the Listener<br />If you choose to go out of sequence and confuse or at the least<br />intrigue the listener, know that you also startle, surprise, or unnerve the<br />listener. Fix it fast. Get your effect, then explain, to keep your audience<br />with you.<br />Starting in the middle of something, a speaker needs to stop and say<br />something like: "What's going on?" "Why am I saying (doing) this?" and<br />102 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />tell them why. Audiences get frustrated quickly when they don't get<br />what's going on and feel left out. Needing to stay oriented as we follow<br />demands that the teller not let us down, that you keep us on your track<br />at all times.<br />Unclear Language and Unfamiliar Words Lose and Anger<br />Listeners<br />When you say something I don't understand and leave it, you are<br />making me notice how dumb I am and how smart (knowledgeable,<br />sophisticated, competent, different from me) you are! Is that ever useful?<br />It creates these effects:<br />• You lose me<br />I have to stop listening in order to start thinking about what that<br />word or phrase means. While I do that, since I come equipped with only<br />one brain, I have to stop paying attention to you. You rattle on, oblivious<br />to the fact that you just lost your audience. This is particularly so if I'm<br />struggling to understand complex, unfamiliar, or technical material, not<br />well explained.<br />• You make me angry<br />No one welcomes the messenger who shows us our own incompetence,<br />ignorance, or unpreparedness. Beware of this response universally,<br />but especially when you are presenting to a superior who may need<br />to know something of your specialty but not the in-depth knowledge you<br />have. Making him/her ask for clarification about technical, unfamiliar<br />words and concepts instead of your simply providing it is an obnoxius, if<br />not downright threatening posture to take. Studiously avoid exposing<br />your audience or competing with the boss about smarts. Be clear,<br />self-edited, and helpful.<br />Oral Presentation Is Difficult to Follow<br />You not only know where you're going and what your subject matter<br />is but have created notes and documents to help you. Your hapless<br />first-time and once-only listener is more than ever in the dark next to<br />you.<br />Since your information is new, the only anchor you can offer is order;<br />the basic skeleton of how you will present your material.<br />For your listeners to follow you, the structure and organization of<br />your presentation must be very clear. So clear that your listeners could<br />almost visualize and write your outline as you go along. Knowing what to<br />Designing Presentations 103<br />expect next and where and how the pieces fit into your whole scheme is<br />a vital requirement for anyone trying to understand you. Since they don't<br />know your material, at least they feel grounded in the logical order in<br />which you give it.<br />Knowing Your Order Increases Attention<br />If the structure of your oral presentation is clearly explained and<br />easily followed, then the listener can use all his/her time and energy just<br />absorbing and understanding your message. Otherwise, much of the<br />listener's attention will be spent on just figuring out where you are and<br />where you're going and how the different pieces fit together.<br />People Have a VERY Short Attention Span<br />Here's some bad news for all "tellers," you who need to keep your<br />audiences listening:<br />Language is so exact that the human brain requires only 15 percent<br />of its power to understand language, if we're both using the same one.<br />Eighty-five percent of the brain is actually not needed for your listener<br />to grasp what you mean.<br />Implication? Eighty-five percent of your listener's brainpower is left,<br />like a loose cannon, to do whatever it wishes! That doesn't necessarily<br />include listening to you . . .<br />Think about what you do: When you're not really absorbed by what's<br />happening, your brain goes on vacation. It's free to (and does) daydream,<br />worry about other things, make lists of various duties, wonder about<br />dinner, the weekend, who's winning the ball game—in short, anything<br />but the business at hand, being earnestly presented by a . . . a . . . (dare<br />I say it?) a bore!<br />Therefore, never take your audience for granted. It's a continual<br />uphill struggle to keep them with you, to fight for more than the 15<br />percent you automatically get when you begin. You must build in new<br />devices to keep 100 percent of the listener's brain occupied.<br />Clear Introductions and Transitions Are a Must<br />Unless you let your audience know when you begin a new topic or<br />end it, your whole presentation can sound like one endless paragraph. In<br />order to help your audience follow, you must make verbal indents,<br />endings, chapter headings, paragraphs, and transitions.<br />Remembering how vital a clearly self-evident structure is in helping<br />104 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />the audience follow and stay tuned in, you must let them know where<br />you both are, when to stop thinking about this and start noticing that.<br />Transitions help them change gears, to actually "turn a page" in their<br />minds and start off afresh with you down a new path.<br />Now that you understand how the brain basically absorbs data and<br />what information techniques work and why, let's put them into practice.<br />We turn first to planning your message: What's the most effective agenda<br />order and layout in which to subdivide it?<br />STRUCTURING A PRESENTATION<br />Outline Form<br />The most universally recognized system—and the simplest one—for<br />organizing and compartmentalizing unfamiliar or complex information is<br />the outline. Luckily, if we learned anything at school, we learned to<br />outline and we remember that system. Therefore we easily recognize it<br />when it is described and referred to verbally.<br />So the basic presentation format should be an outline. But within<br />that framework there are many other issues to consider as you plan.<br />Order of Presentation<br />Presenting or explaining, teaching or selling something is like taking<br />people on a journey, with you as the leader and the guide. You're telling<br />people where you've been that they haven't and what you know that they<br />don't. Having just learned how people absorb information best, we need<br />to use those guidelines to create some order in your presentation so that<br />your audience can follow your material and stay with you on the journey.<br />Here is the most effective format:<br />• Introduction<br />• Motivati/Opening<br />• Outline of Agenda<br />• Content—section by section<br />• Recap each section<br />Designing Presentations 105<br />• Transition to next section<br />• Wrap-Up<br />• Conclusion<br />To help you use this format to design your presentation, let's take<br />apart the various steps to see what's in them and why they're necessary<br />in this order. (The actual techniques of presentation and examples of<br />what to say and how to say it are the heart of Chapter 7.)<br />Introduction<br />You're opening to a clean slate, to a fairly open mind (excluding<br />previous prejudices), a mind at least a little curious about what you want<br />to present. Your introduction should set the tone and the theme for your<br />presentation. It should instantly focus one or many on what the<br />presentation is about and what you hope to get across.<br />To begin planning your presentation (formal or informal), establish<br />what you think is the essence, the theme, and the one or two major<br />points you're going to cover. No details yet, just the overall basic<br />one-line theme. That's the heart of your introduction: "I'm going to talk<br />about X today, how it affects Y and Z, and why we need to change it."<br />That's your Introduction. Next: Motivation<br />Motivation<br />• Tell them why to listen<br />You know why you asked for the meeting or are making the<br />presentation. Tell them how your topic affects them, what good will come<br />of their listening, how important they are in the equation, and how your<br />two interests intersect. That's the Motivation aspect of step 2.<br />• "Lift your visor"<br />Another aspect of your Opening is to let them know who's telling: to<br />help the audience get to know you, the speaker, better. To recognize<br />your style, your persona—to get the first impression.<br />Give Them the Outline<br />Tell them what's to come:<br />To help them follow, give them the structure of your presentation.<br />"I'll show and tell you about X. To do that, I'll start with A. Then B,<br />with an explanation of 1, 2, and 3. Then we'll discuss C, which is also a<br />106 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />part of the issue. I'll wrap it up and conclude with some ideas I have<br />about what this means to us and what we should do. Then we'll open to<br />questions and answers. I've brought some exhibits to demonstrate B and<br />C and will leave copies of them with you."<br />People need to know what to expect in order to get interested. To<br />follow you, they need to understand and picture the organization of your<br />material. Telling them your outline helps them do that. It grounds them<br />by telling what will be predictable, giving them landmarks to look for. It<br />also builds up some anticipation about what they'll learn, and gives them<br />an incentive to pace themselves to stay with you till the end.<br />Content: Present Your Basic Idea<br />Now it's time to get right to the heart of the matter: Tell them what<br />your message is about. Here is your "Long Shot," creating the context<br />your audience needs in order to listen to your presentation. Tell the<br />whole idea first so whatever further explanation comes next can be hung<br />from the framework you create right at the beginning. This is the time to<br />give only the general picture; no details yet.<br />Example: Suppose you need or want to introduce a new way of doing<br />something. Knowing your audience of one or many and anticipating their<br />possibly negative response, you could start by capturing the essence of<br />the problem and why you suggest change:<br />"Today we'll deal with a difficult subject—something that makes<br />people anxious, even angry sometimes. We'll talk about change. Many<br />people see change as a threat. I see it as a challenge; an opportunity to<br />make things better, to grow, to open new possibilities." Or:<br />"Our X system isn't keeping up with the times. So we need to take<br />a hard look at it. I plan to show you why it's becoming obsolete and what<br />we can do about it."<br />Begin to Break It into Segments<br />Next, break the idea into its component parts and generally describe<br />what they are. Now you're moving down into smaller segments of the<br />whole idea. This is your "Medium Shot": the capital A, B, C topic<br />headings. This makes for an easier explanation from you and easier<br />digestion for your audience as the logical progression and order of your<br />presentation emerges in bite-sized pieces.<br />"Let's start with A. Here's the basic problem. There are three<br />reasons why it fails us."<br />Designing Presentations 107<br />Present Each Segment with Its Details<br />Now you can tighten the iris for a still closer look. This is the "Close-<br />Up." Each segment with its topic sentence and the "bullets" under it<br />gives us information in still greater detail: "Let's start with A. The basic<br />problem is . . . There are three reasons . . . " The bullets serve as<br />illustrative examples, adding dimension and support and providing a<br />more intense, searching look at the heart of what you're talking about.<br />Details work now and not before because your group understands the<br />whole idea and is drawn into learning more.<br />Recap Each Segment<br />Build in a recap at the end of each segment before you finish and go<br />on, for reinforcement and for additional clarification about how you're<br />building your case.<br />"Now what have we just discovered? That A has actually been out of<br />sync for quite a while. That it's an outmoded system because of 1, 2, and<br />3, and that it's keeping us from moving forward."<br />This catches up the slower listener as well as the inattentive one and<br />makes sure that everyone is ready to move on to the next portion<br />together with you.<br />Make Transitions<br />Remembering that your audience cannot see your notes or know<br />your next step until you take it, you need to build in a purposeful<br />transition to each new topic so you let everyone know you're all about to<br />go there. This helps make your outline structure continually clear as you<br />move from A, through your small-number "bullets" listed below it to the<br />recap, and with a transition sentence or two, on to B. Be sure that as part<br />of your transition you introduce and set up your next subject as you move<br />into it.<br />Example: "So there's the problem. Now let's turn to B—why we<br />didn't know and how we found out."<br />Wrap-Up<br />At the end of all the components, wrap up by restating the whole<br />idea, hitting the major points, and referring back to only a few of the<br />most memorable and telling details you've explained for fuller illustration.<br />108 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Example: "Let's look back at all of what we just discovered. We've<br />been living with an outmoded system. It's caused us to lose business;<br />remember the three cases I told you about? And we weren't asleep! We<br />didn't get the message because of. . . , something we surely shouldn't<br />do again! And now it's time for a change. Time to develop a new system<br />like the one I just described that can . . . , and move us onto a new and<br />much more productive track. "<br />Now, logic says you should go to your conclusion, and many times<br />you would. But if yours is a subject with built-in controversy or that<br />could draw major objections, you might sometimes want to try this,<br />depending on the circumstances, on your audience, subject, and goals.<br />Also, on what your Fore-Thought Chart has told you to expect. Some<br />research has shown that sometimes the one-sided approach is more<br />persuasive, but often this approach can be very useful.<br />Pose and Answer Possible Problems<br />List and discuss as-yet-unresolved problems. "Okay. Now that I've<br />got you convinced we should do this, let me take a realistic look at what<br />still stands in the way . . . " Show not only the good but the difficult side,<br />making the listener aware of your responsible, realistic, clear-headed<br />thinking and planning. Give your answers and the possible solutions<br />you're working on. Then go on to the next step.<br />Raise and Answer Anticipated Resistance<br />If you say what you think the opposite number's reservations or<br />resistance may be before you give the other person(s) a chance to, you<br />can turn the ensuing discussion toward ways of resolving whatever the<br />concerns are, since you've already stated them. If not, you'll have to wait<br />and hear them, and then possibly find yourself in a much more defensive<br />and less constructive position.<br />Example: "One more thing. I've been watching some faces in the<br />group who look decidedly skeptical, even negative! They're probably<br />thinking, 'Sure sounds great, but can we handle the cost?' Others might<br />be thinking, 'What happens to my department if we do this?' Well, let's<br />talk about these two issues . . . "<br />Now it's time to finish. With a flourish.<br />Grand Wrap-Up and Conclusion<br />Finish memorably with a grand finale—bringing together all the<br />elements of your presentation by succinctly telling the highlights and<br />Designing Presentations 109<br />restating your major argument, now backed not only by all your data but<br />also by your answers to the negatives.<br />Pick out your best, most telling points. Illustrate with your most<br />graphic, dramatic, or innovative examples. End by saying why your idea<br />should happen.<br />Open for Questions and Discussion<br />Now it's time to give your opposite numbers the floor, too. Open it<br />up for further clarification, explanation, discussion, and for countering<br />opposition. Focus on getting responses to your idea and finding ways to<br />solve the problems (perhaps together) or to discover what you need to do<br />next.<br />Checklist<br />Here's a chronological checklist for you to use as an organizing tool<br />when preparing any kind of presentation or report:<br />• Opening: State theme and general message<br />• Motivate and identify with audience: Tell why they should listen<br />• Give agenda: Describe content and structure of presentation<br />• Content: Present basic idea<br />• Break each into segments: Logical chronology of A, B, C<br />• Break into subsegments: 1, 2, 3 of details and examples<br />• Recap each segment<br />• Make transition to and introduce next segment<br />• Wrap-up: Recap highlights of whole presentation<br />• Pose and answer problems (optional)<br />• Objections: Raise and answer anticipated objections or resistance<br />(optional)<br />• Grand wrap-up: List persuasive points<br />• Conclusion and recommendations<br />• Questions and discussion.<br />Creating the order of any presentation or explanation makes you<br />narrow your sights on what you mean to cover, what you'll say, and how<br />you'll say it. Which brings us to the next step. Should you only say it? Or<br />should you show some of it?<br />110 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />MAKING MESSAGES VISUAL<br />"Seeing is believing," "A picture is worth a thousand words." These<br />concepts are not just old-fashioned homilies. Research has shown that we<br />remember 85 to 90 percent of what we see and 15 or so percent of what<br />we hear. A sobering thought for all you talkers . . .<br />Why Use Visual Reinforcement<br />Whenever you present new material to people, you should be aware<br />that it's clear to you but not yet even imagined by them. They cannot yet<br />visualize it as you already do. Therefore, you must do some very effective<br />things to bring them on board.<br />Visualization is a prime source of information giving, of explanation,<br />and of reinforcement with any subject. Visual demonstrations are very<br />helpful in presenting facts clearly, especially in the new areas of technical<br />mastery, as well as advanced financial concepts, where there is great<br />disparity in what is common knowledge. Visual support can often make<br />the difference between the audience staying with you or shrugging their<br />shoulders and tuning out, bored and disappointed. This is particularly<br />true when explaining complex material or advanced financial concepts to<br />a client or to a lay or less knowledgeable audience. In case of wandering<br />attention, the fastest way to catch your listener up is to show them what<br />you're talking about.<br />Perhaps the most important reason is: We are now a visual society,<br />courtesy of TV. You can't just talk; you must also show. Making ideas or<br />facts visual creates Information Plus Impact.<br />What to Show; What to Tell<br />Now that you're a firm convert to what visuals can do for you, how<br />do you decide what kinds of information to show and tell and what works<br />with telling alone? The difference between using visual aids and just<br />using language alone is subject matter. It's what effect you want your<br />message to have and which aspect of the brain you're appealing to.<br />Which Subjects Need Visuals<br />The organizing, data-collecting, cognitive, fact-oriented, list-making<br />side of the brain gets the full message most clearly and convincingly with<br />Designing Presentations 111<br />visual documentation and explanation. It responds best to concrete<br />images and incontrovertible, collectible, hard-nosed data.<br />Presenting a business plan, asking for more budget, introducing a<br />new system, or needing a hard-nosed decision? Consider adding visuals<br />for greater persuasion.<br />Here are some categories that can use visual support and the impact<br />it creates:<br />• New data, known only to you.<br />• Data known to all, but never presented in this context or with this<br />interpretation before.<br />• A message which needs documentation or support from objective<br />data in order for people to believe it.<br />• Numbers, facts, quotes, lists, trends; information that people do<br />not and cannot collect and remember only by hearing it.<br />• Chronological data that needs to be repeated and remembered<br />from one segment to another.<br />• Comparisons.<br />When you need a factual, analytical approach, backed by data—<br />explicit, logical, clear—visual support is most often the answer.<br />Which Only Need Verbalizing<br />In general, the material that lends itself best to just telling is material<br />that is narrative and dramatic in nature. To spin a web, to weave a yarn,<br />to marshal the troops, to inspire, you often can rely on the charisma and<br />energy of the teller alone.<br />The creative, imaginative, fantasy-making, instinctive, emotiondriven<br />side of the brain responds best to the imaginative, colorful<br />messages of feelings. These messages leave room for individual interpretation,<br />not uniform acceptance of the facts. Each listener's unique<br />personal imagination can get engaged and respond. There is no right or<br />wrong sum here. Just feelings. Unique. Individual. Intimate.<br />Being able to talk visually, to elicit pictures through words and excite<br />the imagination of your listeners means relying only on language and<br />style, on analogy and metaphor. These, if you will think about it, are all<br />actually visual, too! But delivered personally . . .<br />112 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />When the task is building morale, gaining loyalty, running for office,<br />anything that needs feelings attached to agreement, you need a more<br />emotional, less documentary approach. You don't need charts and<br />graphs. You need a quiver in the voice, a higher or lower decibel,<br />personal eye contact, and emotional commitment.<br />Visual and Verbal<br />Sometimes you need to mix both. You need to be logical and factual<br />to set the stage and show the new system you propose.<br />But then, to get real gut agreement—for example, to get the<br />commitment to try hard or harder—you must change gears to appeal to<br />the more emotional level.<br />That's the time to set the charts aside. To slowly close the Magic<br />Marker. To walk forward a step or two, or sit on the side of the table. And<br />just talk. Person to person. Intently. Intensely. With genuine feeling.<br />Before I show you how to go about planning and designing your<br />visual aids, let me suggest one more area to think about as you plan your<br />presentation: What materials to leave behind for further thought and<br />later discussion.<br />"Leave-Behinds"<br />Unless your request or discussion is a quick and simple one, most<br />everyone likes time to think things over before they commit themselves<br />to anything.<br />Therefore, built into your total presentation should be a packet of<br />materials you prepare to leave behind for further study. During your<br />presentation you can focus only on the main issues and what you can<br />show and explain succinctly there, knowing that you'll be giving them<br />back-up material for later perusal and thought.<br />Don't Let them "Read Along"<br />If you give your listeners material to read along with you while you<br />talk, you lose your audience!<br />• They can read much faster than you can talk and will be ahead of<br />you and all over the place while you're dutifully still on page 1.<br />• Reading while you're talking, they draw their own conclusions from<br />the printed word—which seems like "harder" information—rather than<br />from your verbal (and self-serving) explanation.<br />Designing Presentations 113<br />• You lose contact with your audience. Having spent some time<br />developing rapport with your audience of one, several, or many, why<br />would you want to release center stage and abdicate in favor of the<br />anarchy of everyone reading for themselves? You want them to look at<br />your graphics with you! While you're making eye contact and continuing<br />to persuade, you're the answer giver. Handouts are for after you've<br />explained and finished. When they go home and want to remember your<br />data.<br />But, because they would like to see what you're reading from, or<br />review again the data you've introduced, you can promise them that,<br />after you do all the explaining, you will provide each of them with this<br />data for their personal use.<br />What to Leave Behind<br />• Copies of what they saw. Very reinforcing and already familiar. Best<br />of all, they have the benefit of remembering your explanation when they<br />reread it.<br />• Extra documentation. Documentary evidence that you will not<br />introduce during your presentation. Background material: articles, previous<br />reports, excerpts of speeches given by others (in your company or<br />not), reprints of speeches or memos by the leader, research data, and so<br />on. Items that back up what you said.<br />• Your background. What additional information do they need to<br />know about you, if you're speaking to a new group? Here is your chance<br />to put together your subtle "I'm terrific" packet: resume, client list, past<br />accomplishments, etc.<br />Checklist<br />Your package of leave-behinds may include any or all of the<br />following:<br />• A summary of your ideas.<br />• Reproductions of the most important, comprehensive visual aids<br />you used in your presentation.<br />• Documentation of why what you say is so, is so.<br />• Examples (if possible) of what you (or others) have already done.<br />114 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• A resume and other personal reference data if they don't know<br />you too well.<br />• Groupings of related background materials (like research, articles,<br />reports, etc.).<br />I don't mean to leave them a 5-pound package. Be selective and edit<br />well, but just remember what your stickiest points are and what data you<br />have (and they need) that supports your position best.<br />Now, to create visual aids for what you tell, you need some<br />guidelines about what makes graphic sense to us and what's most<br />persuasive.<br />Here are some of the most important techniques for making visual<br />materials extend and clarify your message. This is information you need<br />whether you will design simple visuals and execute them yourself, or<br />want to be more knowledgeable (and critical) if you get the art<br />department or someone to do them for you. They will help your own<br />creativity understand what you can make visual and how to do that best,<br />avoiding pitfalls.<br />DESIGNING VISUAL MATERIALS<br />Basic Guidelines<br />Visuals Dominate Talking<br />Whenever you introduce a visual demonstration, your audience will<br />stop looking at you and instantly become absorbed in looking at, and<br />trying to understand, the visual.<br />We are always drawn to action over just listening. (Notice the next<br />time a door opens and someone enters a meeting room.) Since a visual<br />aid engages the audience and gives them independent work to do, they<br />are immediately drawn to the more active role. Knowing this, you need<br />to choose your visual aids with care, to be sure they support you and<br />don't just compete with you.<br />Which Medium and Why<br />Form follows function. First decide what you want to say. Then think<br />about which form says it best; chart, slide, diagram on the board, list on<br />Designing Presentations 115<br />a flip chart, video piece? Different media forms create their own<br />conditioned responses from earlier association. Decide what effect you<br />want: informal and improvisational, or professional, top-of-the-line, well<br />planned.<br />Exhibits Can Be Simple<br />Don't think that bigger is better and expensive is more. There are<br />many times when the best visual medium would be an informal,<br />interactive one like a blackboard or flip chart. Direct and personal.<br />Good Design Makes a Difference<br />Be aware of color, shape, size, layout. Look for advice on eloquent<br />design. There are good and bad ways to make charts, graphs, and so on,<br />that can enhance or detract from your message. Quality counts.<br />Use Color<br />Color is loaded with information, creating dramatic, emotional<br />responses. An invaluable source of visual communication, it affects how<br />we see and respond to hard information. It creates warmth, drama,<br />contrast, variety, credibility, and interest in your otherwise cold, factual<br />information. There is a "corporate conspiracy" about using black slides<br />with white letters. Born out of sheer habit and the mistaken emphasis on<br />"what shows up best," this technique has been putting hapless audiences<br />and board rooms to sleep for years! Why not use the extraordinary power<br />and emotional dimension of color—of many colors, of contrasts, of variety<br />and of sheer pleasure—in your attempt to persuade?<br />Is every slide you show equally important, or unimportant? Surely<br />not! Do they all deal with the same subject? In the same way? Are<br />numbers, graphs, lists and phrases designed to do the same thing—to get<br />the same response?<br />Add to these challenges the fact that black and white is also the<br />driest, dullest, most unaffecting combination there is. No juice! No<br />feelings! No persuasion or motivation on its own.<br />It only requires a little nudge and the willingness of executives and<br />graphics departments to re-think an old haibit for the business world to<br />get on the color standard and make slide presentations as persuasive and<br />effective as they really can be!<br />116 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Research Placement and Scale<br />Go to the room you will use to give your presentation. Examine how<br />far away everyone will be and where they will sit. In order to make<br />something big enough but not too big and to find the optimum size for your<br />letters (be they pre-printed or written by you at the moment), you need<br />to get a clear picture of the requirements that room dictates. Practice by<br />writing on chart or blackboard in that room and seeing the size from the<br />audience's viewpoint. Notice the lighting for best placement.<br />Control the Information<br />The single biggest mistake I see in my work is the tendency to<br />overload visual aids with too much information at once.<br />Result? You lose control. While you're explaining the upper lefthand<br />corner or column one, they've gotten to all the bottom lines and are<br />roaming all over the place making judgments, and incidentally totally<br />missing your explanation of the upper left-hand corner or column one.<br />Therefore—you must control your visual information.<br />Only give one piece at a time—just show as much as you can explain,<br />in small, self-contained pieces. Then add the next point and talk about it,<br />then the next, and so on. Whenever you add a point, you challenge your<br />audience to keep thinking, to stay active and involved.<br />Adding Information<br />In order to control each piece of information you give, add additional<br />pieces visually. And only when you are ready to talk about them. To help<br />your audience stay with and absorb only your explanation, when you give<br />it, not their guesses as to what you mean, try these:<br />• If you're using a blackboard or a flip chart, draw or write while you<br />explain and stop till you're ready for the next point. Don't reveal great<br />gobs of information and then talk. Introduce, then draw and explain as<br />you do. Your material will then unfold naturally, and only when you're<br />ready to add it.<br />• With prepared charts use transparent overlays, if possible. Separate<br />your data into individual points, time lapses, chronology, or new<br />information, each of which modifies previous data. Add them one at a<br />time or draw on a slick transparency to make each new point.<br />• When creating slides or overhead transparencies, use the "build"<br />system. Slide one has only the basics or the outline. Add a piece of data<br />Designing Presentations 117<br />with slide two. Add more with the next. Keep the style and layout<br />consistent so the audience can focus only on the addition of new material,<br />not a new layout each time. Use colors to designate newly added material.<br />Accumulate the Data<br />Accumulating data gives much greater impact and makes logical progressive<br />sense as you go along. By building on, point by point, and leaving<br />the original data still visible, you keep making your first point stronger.<br />The audience can see how the evidence mounts. The sheer weight of<br />visibly accumulated data gives additional clout to any argument.<br />Make Material Consistent<br />Use the same symbols throughout. When using a blackboard or flip<br />chart: if you start printing, don't start writing after a while. Don't put<br />6/22, then July 5th. Lists should also stay in a line under each other for<br />easy comprehension.<br />Make Visuals Self-Explanatory<br />Label all unfamiliar items with a line connected to them and a label<br />out to the side so your audience can readily identify them whenever they<br />look.<br />Create a Glossary<br />If you're going to use technical or unfamiliar terms, create a glossary,<br />adding to it as you go along. Put it on an easel or on the side of the board<br />for ready reference by your audience as you continue explaining. It will<br />cut down on redundancy and will ensure that everyone knows what<br />you're talking about, as they keep checking it while you speak.<br />Techniques for Using Visual Aids<br />Let Them Look<br />If one reason for using visuals is to engage your audience—let them<br />look! Hold still, be quiet, and let the visual impact itself take over.<br />Visuals are eloquent. They do captivate. They are more exciting than just<br />talking. Learn to wait. Work with visuals and let them help you.<br />118 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Build Anticipation<br />To increase their appetite, tell your audience what you're going to<br />show before you present it: "Let me show you a chart that demonstrates<br />this trend." Then, present it and wait a moment. Let the eyes roam, get<br />adjusted, and absorb. Then you can become more specific and focused.<br />You'll get maximum attention when you prepare your listeners in<br />advance and then let them discover on their own a little. This gives<br />audiences that sense of power and independence, therefore the desire to<br />learn more and stay tuned in.<br />Keep Materials Organized and Neat<br />Nothing looks worse than messy, disorganized materials. Keep<br />transparencies neatly stacked in boxes, charts in portfolios. You'd be<br />surprised at how carefully your audience notices small details and gives<br />bad marks. It not only looks unprepared but shows less respect for them,<br />as though you approached this encounter very casually.<br />Stay Active with Your Exhibits<br />Use them as an extension of yourself, to underscore your points.<br />Learn to handle them comfortably, to master whatever medium you will<br />be using. Write and underline often, to show your control of the subject<br />and help your audience get your point.<br />A final note: Lots of people feel uncomfortable about using visual<br />aids. They think that visuals look too pedantic, sterile, stuffy, deliberate,<br />etc.<br />I suggest that you try a few—in the interests of your audience. Not<br />only do they really work and vastly improve your listener's comprehension;<br />we are now such a visual society that you can buy a much longer<br />attention span by making ideas visual.<br />Try it . . .<br />The bottom line on designing presentations: Unfold your material<br />with full awareness of what learning/listening systems we, as your<br />audience, use to understand you. Choose different styles for further<br />impact but always keep the basic progression logical and orderly, letting<br />your audience "see " your outline and your material.<br />Now—on to Close Encounters.<br />CLOSE ENCOUNTERS<br />One-on-One<br />The difference between one-on-one encounters and the group<br />interactions we've been talking about is the level of intensity: it's<br />personal visibility without dilution. You can't get away with as much in<br />a one-on-one situation: the margin for error is very small.<br />This makes the give and take a little harder than in a group, where<br />you get some relief because of the numbers participating and the time<br />that gives you to think.<br />Now, close encounters can be benign, like mild get-acquainted or<br />informational sessions; they're not all acute, emotional, or confrontive.<br />But the process of two people interacting in a business setting is up three<br />or four stress notches from anything else you do at work.<br />So our work in this chapter will be to analyze each segment of a close<br />encounter; to understand and find good communications solutions to the<br />various aspects; to give you options as initiator or participant. Let's begin<br />with the underlying structure.<br />A one-on-one encounter has four segments—Openers, Substance,<br />Special Issues, Closure. The function and quality of each segment<br />determines what kind of communication is needed and how to deliver it<br />best.<br />OPENERS<br />As we've already discovered by the pains I took to "open" this book<br />well and invitingly for you, those first few opening moments really count<br />in any human encounter, but especially in a one-on-one.<br />119<br />120 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />First impressions etch deeply because they're written on a clean<br />slate, when nothing else is going on except curiosity and the alert<br />collection of data on both sides. They not only establish you to each<br />other; they create the environment in which your meeting will continue.<br />Before You Begin<br />What's your goal? To be cool? Secure? Efficient? Open? To create an<br />environment of support, reasonable discussion, or whatever? Decide on<br />your persona and what quality would suit this occasion before you begin.<br />Base it on all that pre-planning we talked about in Chapter 3 and the<br />strategies you developed because of it. Then use it, especially at the<br />beginning.<br />Change Gears<br />Until your meeting begins, your "other" was all involved in something<br />else. It requires an active stepping on the brakes, stopping, then<br />putting the work engine into another gear to make him/her go from that<br />focus to the new tack you wish to take.<br />Therefore, making a personal dent and helping the other person<br />change gears to focus on you is the first order of business in the<br />"Openers" segment of your one-on-one encounter. In order to do that,<br />you need to take a little time to help the other person slow down, stop,<br />and restart with you.<br />The next group of suggestions will do that, and more. I'll focus on<br />both visitor and meeting-caller, to show you how to create the most<br />productive and appropriate environment, at the beginning of your<br />encounter.<br />Warm-up<br />How You Greet<br />• To shake or not to shake<br />Women, particularly, ask me about this. They're concerned since<br />many men don't offer a hand and it looks like such a male gesture if they<br />do it. Since it's such an expected gesture when business people meet<br />each other, my advice is to shake hands and to offer yours if it's not<br />offered first. That initial physical gesture can help establish a businessClose<br />Encounters 121<br />like, professional atmosphere. By the way, for anyone, if your hands<br />are very cold (or damp) because this is a high-stress meeting, rub them<br />together hard before you go in. No sense betraying that calm exterior<br />. . .<br />• Smile<br />Animals do it to signal friendly and non-threatening demeanor! We<br />need it, too. Sometimes in your rapt concentration you forget to smile.<br />A concentrated face can often look forbidding or even angry. Be aware.<br />• "Jack" or "Mr. Hill"<br />American informality in the workplace generally dictates first names.<br />However, the content, the relative age and positions, and the intended<br />outcome of the encounter make all the difference in how you make this<br />choice. The culture in your place of business and the particular style of<br />the individual you're meeting with also count. Using someone's first<br />name is taking a liberty. Be careful about sounding intrusive and<br />presumptuous. The saftest route with someone you don't know well is to<br />start with "Mr. Hill" till he says "Jack—please."<br />Small Talk<br />Hardly "small"! The next few moments that you spend (or should<br />spend) chatting are an untapped gold mine—if you know what they're for<br />and how to use them. (They're not only for helping to change gears.)<br />One important use: Small talk helps you each get accustomed to the<br />other's style, voice, and speech patterns, if you don't know each other.<br />Another: Small talk covers the slightly awkward moments of settling<br />down and settling in, whether you know each other or not.<br />Perhaps the most valuable by-products of small talk are:<br />• To connect and get to know each other (or start the ball rolling,<br />if you already do) in a most relaxed, non-product-oriented,<br />personal kind of contact.<br />• To develop a source of personal information you can use within<br />the meeting.<br />• To let the other person begin to relate to you.<br />Here are some small talk suggestions and why to use them.<br />122 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Visitors<br />You're now in someone's personal space. See what you can learn.<br />People are extremely revealing in what and how they choose to create a<br />personal environment. First—notice. Then—comment.<br />Everyone loves their precious or meaningful objects to be valued and<br />admired by others (especially if they display them on the walls and<br />shelves of their offices). Look and you can discover personal passions<br />(fishing; photography); other human dimensions (family, kinds of books,<br />antique furniture); awards, diplomas (is that where she's from!);<br />controversial subjects (he's a member of the National Rifle Association<br />and you're against handguns!).<br />These personal observations can have several beneficial results:<br />• Bonding: "I see you're a skier, too. Where do you usually ski? We<br />have a house (or do day trips, etc.) at . . ."<br />Contact! You've opened a conversation vein, discovered something<br />in common, and gotten the opportunity to tell him/her something about<br />yourself, too.<br />• Personal (to someone you know): "Gee, the family's really growing<br />up! (Most everyone has family pictures around.) Doesn't that give you a<br />turn, when your boy starts borrowing your ties?"<br />Contact again! You can spend a few moments listening to his attitude<br />toward the passage of time (comfortable or not) and something more<br />about his family (everyone has something to say about that). It also lets<br />you share something about yours, and you . . .<br />Or: "You know, we're expecting a child next month. Think I'll pop in<br />for some advice!' Again, opening a third dimension before you zero in on<br />just business.<br />These kinds of personal asides are a much smoother transition into<br />your subject than just an abrupt "getting down to business."<br />• Informational. You can also ask questions: "What's the story behind<br />that picture (fire helmet, autographed baseball, Kermit the Frog puppet,<br />etc.)?" or just appreciate and admire: "What a view," "What a great<br />desk," etc. All of these will generate "small" but useful talk.<br />Note: Always be sensitive to how small talk is being received and<br />when it's time to move on to the next step. Pick up signals about<br />impatience, time pressures, and so on.<br />Close Encounters 123<br />Host<br />As host, making small talk with a visitor is equally important. Of<br />course it depends on your goals and how you want the meeting to go.<br />Generally speaking, taking the initiative in establishing some mutual<br />conversation puts everyone at ease.<br />Generic talk about the latest news or weather all the way to more<br />personal "How was your vacation?" or, "You're looking very fit and trim"<br />(to someone you know), or, "That's a wonderful color you're wearing.<br />Makes me feel like spring is really in the air" (to someone you don't<br />know) are all good beginnings. What you say should help the visitor add<br />to the conversation and help to get the ball rolling. Lots of folks need a<br />little help to get started.<br />If it's someone you don't know well, the welcome you put out can<br />establish the tone of the meeting, helping the other to settle into the<br />business at hand in a shorter time span, with less need to oversell,<br />over-impress, or stay very intense.<br />Where to Sit<br />The issue of where to sit is a ticklish one. Since there are places in<br />the room where the power gets equalized and places where it tilts very<br />much in one direction, this is an issue to think about.<br />Visitor<br />Don't sit right down. "Case the joint," as they say. What are the<br />options? Is there more than one area in which to sit? Stand and/or walk<br />around (ostensibly admiring the view, etc.) until you decide where you'd<br />like to sit. Now you can't just wander. But you can redirect and not accept<br />what is offered immediately. Find an alternative (which I'll explain) and<br />give a good reason for sitting there. Here are the usual options:<br />• Sitting across the desk<br />A weak position: The office owner has all the marbles on his/her side<br />with memorabilia that says, "This is mine and you're an intruder or a<br />petitioner." Avoid this at all costs, if possible.<br />• Sitting to the side of the desk<br />Next best: Pull a chair up to the side of the desk. This lets you both<br />share in looking at documents from the same angle. It also allows you to<br />124 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />move to the corner of the desk so that there is no physical barrier<br />between you.<br />• A neutral corner<br />Optimum: If the office has a couch-or-two-chairs/coffee-table arrangement,<br />that's where to go. A round table in another part of the room<br />is also great. In either case, you start out much more visually equal, and<br />that affects how you present and how you're perceived.<br />• How to get there<br />Have a reason for wanting to go to the neutral corner or moving your<br />chair to the side of the desk, if there is no neutral corner: "Since I have<br />some figures (materials, product) to show you, perhaps we could sit<br />where we can both look at them together, like here . . . " or, "Maybe<br />there's more room over here for my portfolio (report, etc.) . . ."<br />Office Owner<br />Knowing the above, you can select where you want the visitor to sit,<br />based on your strategy for the meeting. The more power you have, the<br />greater the need to think about this particular non-verbal aspect of<br />communicating. People are usually at least a little uncomfortable in your<br />(someone else's) office. See how you can put them at ease.<br />Now let's turn to another role; you as host.<br />Amenities<br />Host<br />The gift giving implicit in the simple gesture of offering a cup of<br />coffee has many more ramifications than just being polite.<br />• Sensual: What! At a business meeting? Yes, the person you're<br />dealing with has brought all his human responses into your office.<br />Feeding is sensual. It makes us feel good, warm, cared for. Therefore,<br />ofFering and sharing this experience is a great welcoming gesture.<br />• Physical activity: The coffee ritual affords one something to do on<br />both sides. It can get some of that runaway adrenal energy under control<br />(probably better use decaffeinated coffee . . .).<br />• Feeding before taking: Especially if you're about to give criticism,<br />bad news, or ask for a big commitment, the idea of giving before getting<br />sets the visitor up in a more sated, open frame of mind.<br />Close Encounters 125<br />• Informal talk time: Just attending to the business of "cream and<br />sugar, etc." can be another level of small talk.<br />For all these reasons, the "hosting" posture you can attain by offering<br />something to drink or personally arranging for coats, gear, and so on to<br />be cared for is a valuable adjunct to the ice-breaker aspect of the Opening<br />segment.<br />Visitor<br />What if your host doesn't offer and you're nervous and need a little<br />more time to get into your subject? It's really quite all right to say<br />something like "You know, this is the first moment I've had all day. I'd<br />just love to get myself a cup of coffee before we begin. Okay?" But pick<br />your host. If he/she is formal and snappish, swallow and go on!<br />Body Language<br />For both sides, this is a great clue giver as to the general attitude<br />toward the encounter and what else you might want to do to counteract<br />what you see. These are the areas to look at:<br />How They Sit<br />• Forward on the edge of the seat = tension, anxiety.<br />• Lounging back = not necessarily relaxed. Sometimes this is an<br />attempt to look relaxed. Need other clues to verify this.<br />• Changing positions = too much movement means they literally<br />can't find a comfortable place; it's hard to settle down. Sometimes<br />the result of the adrenals overflowing at the beginning of a<br />meeting.<br />Or—it could mean they're getting impatient . . .<br />Hands<br />• Clasped = perhaps tense, but notice how tightly they're clasped.<br />Do they open and close their fingers? Another sign of tension and<br />nervousness. For some people, clasped hands are a sign of orderliness<br />and doing things correctly, like in school, remember?<br />• Open and relaxed = a good indicator that this person is feeling in<br />control.<br />126 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Fiddling with objects = unsure; needs tangible touching to feel<br />comforted. Also signifies highly charged overflow of physical energy.<br />• Clutching chair arms = holding onto reality. Needs an anchor.<br />Another sign of tension.<br />Eye Contact<br />• How and/or if we make eye contact is a most eloquent source of<br />information.<br />• Steady gaze = calm interior; sense of security and strength about<br />oneself.<br />• Shifting glances = obviously unable to hold his/her ground; to<br />confront you.<br />• Looking over your head or down = solo monologue; not taking the<br />listener into account.<br />Look for Anger, Impatience, Hostility<br />Throughout the encounter, stay tuned into the other's body language.<br />Notice what else is being transmitted non-verbally if you want to<br />know more about how your opposite number is accepting you and your<br />material.<br />So—Openers are for getting you started, warming up the<br />environment and helping the opposite number to feel comfortable and<br />more in touch with you. But they're also to help make the first quick<br />evaluation we're all so good at, and to use that information in the<br />encounter itself.<br />Now, to what the meeting's about.<br />SUBSTANCE<br />Up Front: Agenda, Goals, Time<br />If you called the meeting—introduce your subject by starting at the<br />beginning, as we discussed in Chapter 5.<br />Close Encounters 127<br />• Agenda<br />When you begin the Substance section of your encounter, tell your<br />opposite number what you have planned. Describe your agenda in<br />simple, bullet-like terms. Hit only the highlights. This is to explain the<br />organization of your information, not to give it, just yet.<br />• Goals<br />Everyone who's busy at work wants some bottom-line orientation. So<br />the next thing you share are your goals for this meeting; why you're<br />having it, what you hope to accomplish; perhaps something about how<br />your opposite number relates to this material.<br />• Time<br />Unless you negotiated the time when you scheduled your appointment<br />(as I suggested), you must now ask how much time you have and<br />do your editing right there. Even if you have already negotiated it,<br />remind your counterpart how long you'll take and ask if there are any<br />problems with that time.<br />Sharing the Power<br />Decide on how much power you need in this encounter. Depending<br />on who called the meeting and what the subject matter is about, one<br />important aspect of a one-on-one is finding ways to balance the power<br />between two people.<br />My work has taught me that people communicate best when they<br />feel on solid ground. Not only the solid ground of knowing their subject<br />and being committed to an idea but also the solid ground of being able<br />to share in how things will be done and that he/she can make things<br />happen at the meeting, too.<br />How Much Can You Share<br />It requires inner security to know that you do have power and that<br />you therefore can share as much as you like because you're not losing it;<br />you're only lending some . . .<br />You surely know that subordinates worry about your power. Calling<br />a meeting puts you in a powerful position indeed.<br />128 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />To make maximum listening room in a subordinates mind or to<br />ensure an honest exchange if you wish to get something clear or find<br />something out, you need to let your subordinate know that he/she has<br />power, too:<br />"Susan, we'll talk about some issues that may have controversy<br />attached to them. It would be most constructive if we got those out as we<br />talk, so let's agree that you not only may, but I urge you to interrupt with<br />questions and take an opposing stand, if you feel that way."<br />Be sure that you mean it. Don't patronize or make statements of<br />form, not substance! This must be genuine, or else the first time Susan<br />speaks up and you get vague or fight back or don't listen, she'll know not<br />to do that again!<br />Subordinate or Peer<br />How much power you can hope to exercise in this encounter<br />depends not only on the subject matter and circumstances of the meeting<br />but mainly on your opposite number. Some people need to feel in total<br />control, for many different reasons, of course. Think: What are your<br />opposite number's major motivations and style of working?<br />As long as you feed his/her primary need, you, too, can share in the<br />power by questioning within that framework, suggesting but not threatening<br />or becoming too stubborn or resistant. Examples:<br />• To an Achiever Boss (who responds to tasks): "I understand that's<br />how to do that project. One more addition, maybe, that would get it<br />done even faster—how about X . . ." or, "The task must definitely be<br />done. But I have a problem with Y. Help me try to deal with it so we can<br />get right to completing the project."<br />In either case, you've given him/her the power by agreeing to do the<br />task and put your suggestion or objection in his/her terms—how to get<br />the task done best. This then allows you to negotiate from your needs<br />and get some power of your own.<br />• To an Affiliator Boss (who feels powerful through a sense of being<br />needed): "That project is a really great idea! I'm flattered that you asked<br />me. I'll need your help in sorting out the opening steps, but I'm sure we<br />can do it."<br />Again, by playing into the Affiliator's greatest need, to feel connected,<br />you can also rearrange the project to suit your needs as well.<br />Close Encounters 129<br />• To an Influencer Boss (who needs affirmation of team leadership):<br />"You know, our team can put that project together with some real<br />substance, because of the expertise we've got. By the way, could you get<br />me involved in the Z part of it? I think I can make a major contribution."<br />Knowing that the Influencer is very invested in organizing and<br />leading a successful group, you could then ask for your preferred<br />assignment acknowledging his power to delegate it.<br />Motivation<br />When you present an idea or discuss an issue, identify what aspect<br />of it would best fit into the other person's motivation. What would be<br />his/her prime concern? Saving money? Gaining new influence in the<br />workforce or marketplace? Developing a new product or system? Would<br />it make the other person look good? Use this appeal to core motivation<br />as the opening wedge to get your listener's attention and to persuade<br />him/her.<br />Telling and Explaining<br />This is such a vast subject that I've handled it in three different<br />chapters! Organizing, structure, and visualization in Chapter 5; presentation<br />techniques in Chapter 7; and explaining and answering questions<br />in Chapter 8.<br />Therefore, let me focus here only on some specific ideas about how<br />to enhance your explanation or statement in an impromptu fashion,<br />without pre-planned material, as you talk and things come up.<br />Making Ideas Instantly Visual<br />Explaining, as we have discovered, is very hard to do only verbally.<br />Also, people often need to keep seeing the "before" so they can evaluate<br />the "after"—what effect it has or how the whole process gets connected.<br />Example: Suppose you're planning what happens if you route a<br />product through the usual system (as your opposite number is now<br />suggesting) vs. rerouting and including a new loop in the system (which<br />you think will work best). You see that the other person isn't getting it.<br />To be convincing, this explanation needs visualizing. But how, on the<br />spur of the moment? You could:<br />• Draw it on a yellow pad as a diagram. The plus side is that it's very<br />simple to do.<br />130 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />The minus side is that it is a flat, two-dimensional portrayal,<br />inanimate and uninteresting. It can only give the bare-bones information,<br />and you need to draw several diagrams to show the extra possibilities or<br />do a lot of crossing out and mish-mash. I find the next way better, more<br />succinct and more persuasive (also more fun).<br />• Use a few tangible objects on the desk or coffee table, or on your<br />person, as symbols of the various parts of your idea. Cups, paperweights,<br />ashtrays, paper clips, pens, etc., work very well. Designate each one as<br />a part of the routing system: "The cup is a . . . and the two ashtrays are<br />the . . . " Pens and pencils make excellent "arrows," showing directions<br />and connections.<br />Then set up the current route (your opposite's preference). You can<br />talk about each step as you build it (what it's for, how it moves to the next<br />place) and actually move the objects around. You can get your opposite<br />number involved, too.<br />This provides three-dimensional plus tactile visualization (much<br />more interesting). It's more colorful and more active. It can show<br />movement and retrace steps to show variations with the same basic<br />objects. You can set up two systems, side by side, for instant visual<br />comparison. It's a novel and original way to tell, bound to capture<br />interest and attention as well as better comprehension.<br />Ask Before You Tell<br />To get someone involved right at the top of your presenting an idea,<br />start by asking them an interesting question. A few startling bits of trivia<br />relating to your subject: "What do you think is the biggest. . . ?" or,<br />"How much money do you think is spent each year on. . . ?" This<br />approach engages your opposite number in trying to answer and being<br />properly surprised by the right answer. It also establishes your expertise<br />very quickly and it's a different way to start, not openly aggressive or<br />sales-oriented.<br />Discussion<br />Create a Positive Environment<br />Primary in any discussion is the environment in which it happens. If<br />it's a challenge session in which the goal is to put you on the defensive<br />and make you answer negative comments, it's not a discussion.<br />Host and visitor should both be aware of the optimal circumstances<br />Close Encounters 131<br />for discussion and work hard to keep the exchange factual, easy, and<br />friendly. One big advantage of a one-on-one discussion is the fact that<br />there are only two people, so, unlike a group meeting, you can each have<br />lots of turns and be heard, and can also focus more directly on each one's<br />ideas and subtext.<br />Listen<br />We usually start out trying to listen. The problem arises when the<br />sides differ and the discussion deteriorates into a series of interruptions<br />and counterarguments.<br />How to fix that?<br />What do you think of: "Gee, Dan, I keep trying to make my point<br />and you cut me off"?<br />Well, it's truthful. But is it persuasive? Not really. It's very<br />judgmental and accusative of Dan. How about:<br />"Gee, Dan, we're both so hot to get our point across that I don't<br />think either of us is listening! Let's each take five minutes apiece and<br />present our point of view, uninterrupted"?<br />The advantage of the latter idea is that the speaker said both were not<br />listening (which has to be true because the person who is interrupted<br />spends some time seething, not listening!). This allows both to save face<br />and begin again.<br />Consider the Idea<br />Stay open! Give credibility to each idea. We do have a tendency to<br />close down just because it isn't our idea.<br />Ask<br />Before you go off half-cocked, ask questions! Be sure you understand<br />the whole idea before you answer, defend, or counter-punch.<br />Be Clear<br />In order to be convincing in a discussion, listen to yourself!<br />Sometimes when you talk of something very familiar to you, you use<br />shorthand and your opposite number may not get it.<br />Notice and Comment On What's Being Discussed<br />"I see you want to know more about X. Is that an important issue?"<br />Become very conscious within a discussion about the underlying<br />132 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />trends of the subject matter. Not only should you notice in order to pick<br />up clues on what to answer; you also can find out about the hidden<br />concerns of the person you're talking with. Good to know for further<br />motivation and persuasion.<br />When you mention what else is taking place, "I see you want to<br />know . . .", it's generally very disarming and also focuses the discussion.<br />How they deal with the answer is also important to notice.<br />Know When to Get Out<br />You need to develop a sense about when you've been around the<br />track enough times and learn to end it and get out.<br />"Well, I guess we could keep pulling this apart but perhaps<br />we've explored it enough for now. Let me suggest that I leave (or send<br />you) some materials for you to think about." Or, "I hear what you're<br />saying. Let me think about it for a while and then we can talk about it<br />again.''<br />These approaches work whether you are the originator of the<br />meeting or the one being questioned or perhaps disagreed with.<br />To sum up segment two of Close Encounters—Substance: The<br />techniques for presenting an idea or explaining yourself are as important<br />here as in a large speech. You need to capture and hold your audience of<br />one, too! Don't forget about motivation when you want to persuade. Be<br />sure to bring substantive visual materials to bolster your point and to<br />leave materials behind for further consideration.<br />SPECIAL ISSUES<br />So far, the steps within each segment have followed a chronological<br />order. But there are also particularly ticklish communications issues that<br />often crop up in a close encounter and they need special attention.<br />Creative Criticism<br />We often forget that the main purpose of criticizing is not to be<br />negative but to be constructive! To fix something! One of the most<br />difficult things to do when you need to criticize someone for a job not<br />well done, or for a major goof, is to reassure and encourage at the same<br />Close Encounters 133<br />time that you're criticizing. Unless you can give them the reinforcement<br />that they're capable of fixing it, most people won't be able to get past the<br />negative "you screwed up" message to listen to you and try to do better.<br />Accentuate the Positive<br />"Harry, that writing job you did was short and to the point, just as I<br />requested. It made good sense and was well written. Thanks. Now—let's<br />look at something that needs fixing . . . "<br />Before you tell him/her what was wrong, spend a little time on what<br />went right! It sounds so self-evident but it's a common human failing: We<br />get so focused on exploring the mistake that we don't hear how negative<br />it all sounds, or that something went correctly.<br />If you praise before you criticize, people are more likely to listen to<br />the criticism with both ears, knowing that you're not totally displeased<br />and they're not totally deficient.<br />Be Specific<br />"Ruth, I didn't like the way you did the report, at all! It was generally<br />dull and not too convincing. Do it over and make it shorter, and more<br />interesting. "<br />What does Ruth do with this kind of criticism? What's "interesting"?<br />And "shorter"? It all seems important; what should she leave out? (Also,<br />notice that put-down of an opening line!)<br />General criticism is destructive. It doesn't lead anyone to know how<br />to fix things; it just makes people feel bad. We all have different verbal<br />and visual styles and conceive different ways to say the same thing. But,<br />unless you can explain specifically, you haven't started fixing anything.<br />To help the criticized person know how to fix what you object to,<br />define exactly what went wrong and why it is unsatisfactory. Most people<br />are generally so sensitive to criticism that they'll say, "Yes, I understand,"<br />when they actually don't, just to get the criticism to end. Specific<br />examples for improvement as well as specific descriptions of exactly what<br />you mean are a must.<br />"Ruth, it's too long. To fix it, why not take out the detailed<br />background sections? That will leave you with only the current status,<br />which is fine. Then, you could include some examples and those<br />customer letters as well as some visuals, perhaps. That should make it<br />more interesting, which it needs, to be more effective."<br />134 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Stay with the Facts, Not the Person<br />"Look, this job wasn't done correctly and only a very sloppy person<br />who doesn't pay attention would have let that go through!"<br />It's often a temptation to pull in the whole kitchen sink when all you<br />need to criticize is the faucet. We sometimes get carried away and attack<br />the person—their ability, intentions, smarts, etc.—-when all that needs<br />to be discussed is what thing or process went wrong.<br />"Well, this job went wrong. Somehow it was allowed to go through.<br />It would help to figure out why so we can fix it."<br />Getting at the Truth<br />Behavior is predictable, given certain kinds of circumstances. What<br />do you think people normally do when they're accused of something,<br />criticized, or asked to discuss something incriminating? Wouldn't they<br />naturally be self-protective and careful of what they'd say? Wouldn't<br />you?<br />In one-on-one encounters where the subject is incriminating—like<br />finding out why or how someone goofed or uncovering a weak link in the<br />system—you as truth seeker need to counter the usual self-protective<br />responses with some strategic moves to get to what you want.<br />Describe the Expected Response<br />Before you start, clear the air and surprise him/her.<br />"I was thinking before you came in about how / would feel if<br />someone asked me to talk about. . . and asked me about X and Y. I guess<br />I'd be pretty careful with my answers. Is that how you feel?<br />This opens the conversation on a healthier note of allowing for<br />people's natural tendencies. It sounds understanding. It helps the other<br />person feel safer and encourages them to tell you how they feel before<br />you go for the hard information. Then you can deal with fears, anxiety,<br />reluctance to "tattle," and so on.<br />Tell What You Want to Know and Why<br />Your intention has very much to do with how, and if, someone will<br />answer you openly. If the reason sounds useful and valuable to the<br />ongoing good of the business or the group, you have begun to provide<br />motivation. The other person can then select from what you want to<br />know about and feel in some control at the same time that they answer<br />you.<br />Close Encounters 135<br />Tell What You'll Do With It<br />The next worry people generally have is:<br />"If I discuss this openly, what will be the result? What will he/she do<br />with it? Why should I be a party to that?"<br />If your issue deals with fellow workers there is the loyalty issue to<br />contend with, and the feeling that the troops bond together, not<br />necessarily with the leader. There's also the consequence of lapsed<br />privacy and secrecy. So tell them what you'll do with the information and<br />how, in as much as you can.<br />Help by Leading<br />"There are probably two things you can tell me about that. You<br />worked with the . . . so you could start there."<br />Leading people toward some organized direction instead of saying,<br />"What can you tell me?" is very reassuring. Since the concerns are<br />generally as we have described them, it helps to have you edit and<br />eliminate, rather than leaving them to flounder in a sea of choices, most<br />of which look dangerous. Starting them talking helps you to ask follow-up<br />questions to pinpoint more specifically or to move off to another<br />direction.<br />If You're Not Getting What You Need<br />Say it. Tell the person being questioned what the problem seems to<br />be and what's missing. I don't suggest too many manipulative crossexaminer<br />tactics, especially if you have no training in this. If someone<br />feels backed into a corner, they will become even more defensive and<br />guarded.<br />Handling Anger—Yours and His/Hers<br />The major clue to handling anger successfully is: First, agree it's<br />there! Generally, we try to deny it or pretend it's not happening, on both<br />sides.<br />In a business setting, the person with more power allows him/herself<br />to express anger much more commonly than the subordinate. Yet there<br />are many levels of seething or hostility, and you need to learn to<br />recognize the many faces before you can deal successfully with anger—<br />yours and his/hers.<br />Perhaps the best way to tell you how to do this is to tell you a story.<br />136 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />I was the host of my own TV talk show in Boston for many years.<br />Nothing makes you learn about human communication and what doesn't<br />work faster than trying to interview, talk with, or handle people on live<br />TV before almost a million viewers and hitting a wall! Talk of damp<br />hands!<br />Here's how I learned about handling anger: I was slated to interview<br />a famous movie star who was making a film on location near Boston. We<br />had promoted it very heavily on air. Yet, although he had initially<br />agreed, he had put us off several times, and we were now at the last<br />possible day for shooting the interview. Armed with a definite appointment,<br />we packed a full TV crew and went trekking off (in mid-December)<br />to a cold, bleak forest glade where they were shooting the film.<br />Our movie hero again stalled us, with a rather acid greeting:<br />"Oh, of course. We'll just stop shooting this silly little movie and do<br />your little old interview. " Here's where the lesson begins.<br />My approach was to smile sweetly, turn the other cheek, and placate<br />by saying:<br />"No. no, please. We'll just wait until you're done."<br />A clear case of denying the anger—to myself and to him!<br />Result? We waited all that freezing afternoon (overtime clock ticking<br />for the crew) until our hero was ready for us—at 5:00 P.M. Five P.M. in<br />Boston in December means DARK!<br />Again, ignoring the seething messages we were getting, we scrambled<br />around, rigged up lights in a by-now/reezmg setting, and sat down<br />to begin our—uh—talking/sharing/listening/experience. Right.<br />The next experience provided Lesson Two—one I have never<br />forgotten and that I teach as a major strategy all the time.<br />Still denying the truth of what was really going on, I started what I<br />hoped would be a pleasant interview with a . . . snarling tiger. The more<br />questions I asked, the testier he got. I continued on my Goody<br />Two-Shoes path of pretending all was well, convinced that it was my<br />fault. I kept looking for a great question and he kept being more openly<br />abusive and ridiculing. All of this was, of course, being captured in living<br />color by our TV cameras, to be edited and shown the next morning, as<br />advertised. Finally, my producer signaled the cameras and me to wrap it<br />up and, undaunted, still smiling sweetly, I said, "Thank you," and called<br />it a night.<br />And ran to the truck and broke into tears. Do you know what? I<br />didn't blame our movie star. I blamed myself for being so inept! I felt that<br />if my questions were better, maybe I could have gotten him to turn<br />around.<br />Close Encounters 137<br />I learned then how unrealistic, harmful, and useless it is not to deal<br />with anger as soon as it happens and you see it.<br />But don't let me leave you here. Of course there's a happy ending<br />and a moral to my story.<br />Now, what could I do with this disaster of an interview—to be seen<br />by my audience in a very few hours? I decided that because it was such<br />a great lesson for everyone, we should show it, with an introduction from<br />me telling about my terrible failure and wanting to share it with them so<br />we could all learn something from it.<br />Learn what? What should I have said? I should have said gently,<br />non-judgmentally, simply as an observation:<br />"You know, Mr. Movie Star, you seem to be very angry, ' and let him<br />respond. Putting the ball in his court, we could both have dealt with his<br />anger and been on very solid ground. Then I could have dealt with what<br />really was happening instead of what I thought and hoped should have<br />been happening.<br />Telling this all to my audience and showing parts of the interview, I<br />then filled in with many common experiences we all have like that; not<br />dealing with what's really going on and hoping it'll go away, or get better<br />on its own, or blaming ourselves for not being able to fix it "somehow.''<br />Not yet a happy ending, you say? Wait.<br />Time marched on. A whole year of time. I had really learned my<br />lesson. I handled many hot topics and hot-under-the-collar people<br />according to my new technique of simply, benignly, saying what I saw<br />happening, right away, and then being able to defuse and deal with it<br />effectively. And it worked!<br />And then, my turn came around again—with our self-same movie<br />hero! Back in town to promote the now-completed movie, his people<br />asked to book him on my show.<br />What happened? It was wonderful. I did everything I taught my<br />audience and myself to do, based on my bitter lesson. He and I talked of<br />the last time we'd seen each other. He vaguely remembered the<br />occasion: "Something about you all weren't prepared and ready for me,"<br />he said. I said, "No, that wasn't how it was at all," and proceeded to tell<br />him what actually happened.<br />Again, he became angry, saying that TV interviewers ask too many<br />intrusive questions, etc. I said, "Hey, we're doing it again. I see you're<br />getting angry again." And do you know what he did? He laughed!<br />"Yup, ya got me." he said. And then we had an absolutely splendid<br />interview . . .<br />138 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Enough said.<br />If you're angry, say so. "This really does upset me (make me mad,<br />etc.) because . . . " This allows others to deal with your anger and help<br />move the conversation to a more productive place.<br />If someone can't say it and you see it, then you say:<br />"I see you're very angry (or upset or whatever). What aspect upsets<br />you about this?" Then leave it, giving him/her a chance to vent it and<br />calm down. Then deal with that.<br />(There's a whole section on handling hostility with many more tactics<br />in Chapter 8: The Art of Being Questioned. Read it for more ideas.)<br />Now on to Closure, the last segment of a Close Encounter.<br />CLOSURE<br />This seemingly simple segment is very often mishandled or quite<br />forgotten. Here is where the nitty-gritty takes place. Unless you both<br />know exactly what happened and exactly what you both expect from each<br />other next, your whole encounter was for naught.<br />Recap and Clarify<br />"Now, let's go over what we talked about, just to be sure we're both<br />on the same wavelength."<br />Sounds simple, yet it's funny how often people forget to do that.<br />Each person thinks the other got what he got, and that's rarely the case.<br />We all use selective listening: Tuned into our major themes, wanting<br />to be sure we got our particular goal achieved, we don't notice too much<br />about what else took place. Therefore, recap is important.<br />If it's your meeting, do it very methodically. Start from the<br />beginning of your agenda and go down the list. Check off each item with<br />notes about what you both decided: send those notes to the other for<br />mutual sign-off.<br />Take the opportunity to re-discuss any issues that still seem unresolved.<br />This is your last chance.<br />If you're the other participant, be sure you speak up during this part<br />of the meeting. Don't just agree. Sometimes this is a better place to<br />make, even win, a final point. When other parts have been resolved and<br />Close Encounters 139<br />there's only one sticky place left, a little distance from the initial<br />discussion can bring cooler heads to bear.<br />Just a simple "You know, that still makes me uncomfortable," or,<br />"I'm still not altogether clear about our intention from now on" will open<br />it again. Then resolve it into its final form.<br />List Next Steps<br />Again—methodically. Make a real list. Write dates for upcoming<br />moves; who else will be involved; what else you need, to continue; and<br />so on. Again, it's important that all this be memorialized in a memo that<br />states it in writing for mutual sign-off.<br />If you're with a client, not a peer or staff member, this is still a<br />necessary step. Writing down what you decided and sending a follow-up<br />letter makes your mutual decision that much more binding. This is the<br />time for clarifying what you really plan to do.<br />Follow-Up<br />Who, How, and When often involves checking with others and<br />getting back to your original meeting partner with additional data. Make<br />that clear as well. The immediate vs. the long-range plans need to be<br />defined, and the process for checking back and checking up on progress<br />made also needs to be discussed and decided on.<br />End on a High Note<br />Whichever role you played, the final exit lines and the mood created<br />at the end are very important.<br />You should leave, if it's not your office or your meeting, with some<br />vigor and some "onward and upward" quality. If the meeting was dour<br />and even critical of you, you need to impart a sense of energy about<br />tomorrow and optimism that you/he/we can and will fix it:<br />"Okay, Sam. I heard it all. I feel there are many things we (or I) can<br />do to change the situation. Let's get started!"<br />If the meeting is process-oriented, or relating to a new idea, try<br />something like:<br />"I must say how enthusiastic I am about the new plan and how eager<br />I am to see how it works out. I'll give it my best. '<br />If you're the meeting convener, and it was a tough one, this is the<br />time to heal and soothe. Walk with your opposite number to the door. If<br />140 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />you're comfortable with physical contact, this may be the time for the<br />proverbial (and literal) pat on the back.<br />"I think we got a lot done. I feel you heard me and I know I heard<br />you. Let's make this the basis for our next talk together. I know we can<br />work things out."<br />If you've just given a tough assignment, give a great Knute Rockne<br />send-off:<br />"Karen, if anyone can do this job and do it well, it's you. I look<br />forward to our next check-in meeting to see how it's going. Meanwhile,<br />since it's pretty complex, if you need me, I'm here."<br />In general, "high-note'' send-offs by a convener at the end of a<br />meeting should reverberate in the hall as your participant leaves, making<br />him/her feel good, purposeful, re-energized, and capable.<br />"High notes" from the departing visitor should leave the meeting<br />convener with some positive thoughts about you as you close the door<br />and disappear. They should provide a moment of reflection about how<br />you handled yourself and the material and about how fired up you seem<br />about going forward.<br />Don't forget or short-change closure. It's very valuable; saves phone<br />calls and extra meetings, and has a great by-product: The last word . . .<br />CHECKLIST<br />Here's the short form, to help you remember and plan:<br />Openers<br />• Change gears; make a personal dent<br />• Warm-up; small talk<br />• Office as turf; where to sit<br />• Amenities; the "gift" of coffee, etc.<br />• Body language; the key weathervane<br />Substance<br />• Up front; the agenda, goals, and time<br />• Share the power<br />Close Encounters 141<br />• Make an open-exchange environment<br />• Consider motivation<br />• Tell and explain<br />• Discussion<br />Special Issues<br />• Offer creative criticism<br />• Get at the truth<br />• Handle anger—yours and his/hers<br />Closure<br />• Recap and clarify<br />• List next steps<br />• Follow-up; Who, How, and When<br />• End on a high note!<br />Now, let's turn to Presentations: Understanding Audiences and<br />giving them what they need; positioning your presentation; techniques<br />for writing and delivering them.<br />PRESENTATIONS<br />How to Make Memorable Speeches<br />This is such an easy subject to get into. We've all been in audiences;<br />suffered in them; gone to sleep in them; been inspired and moved in<br />them; been hopelessly confused in them. In short, we know a lot about<br />what we don't like, something about what we do like, and not much<br />about exactly why.<br />Is it also fair to say that we generally don't know exactly how to make<br />audiences work for us and respond to us? Especially on a regular basis?<br />Well, the quest for answers stops here.<br />In this chapter we'll uncover the secrets of audiences—small or<br />large. We'll find out how to make speeches and presentations that will<br />make an audience listen, understand, and respond on your side.<br />UNDERSTANDING AUDIENCES<br />How Audiences Feel<br />We know how we feel when a speech is not working or we become<br />disinterested. But it's not only the fault of the speech.<br />There are actually a natural set of givens, responses created by<br />simply being in an audience and listening to a speaker, that affect us and<br />make our basic mental set quite predictable. Through they've subliminal,<br />they're basically how we respond to being members of an audience.<br />Knowing what these givens are will help us to understand what we<br />have to do to prepare the presentation and deliver it effectively. Here are<br />some of the problems that attend us as audience members. We feel:<br />142<br />Presentations 143<br />Passive<br />Unable to get information unless the speaker gives it and powerless<br />to change the way things are going, audiences feel basically inactive and<br />uninvolved. The by-products are: Lowered physical energy level and a<br />lessened ability or motivation to stay with you and your topic.<br />Disenfranchised<br />Audience membership puts us in a receiving mode when we have<br />been quite accustomed to running our lives and being the teller or<br />activator. This makes us feel that we've lost our turf. It's hard to sit back<br />and just let someone else take over.<br />Anonymous<br />You, as the speaker, are instantly visible. You are listed in the<br />program or, at the least, are introduced. We the audience may also feel<br />distinguished or at least competent but know that to you, the speaker,<br />we're only a sea of faces. Anonymous listeners. One amorphous bunch,<br />rather than the individuals we pride ourselves on being.<br />Competitive<br />"Let's see your stuff!" It's typical of us, when we feel even some of<br />the above, that we would also feel competitive with the person that put<br />us in those states. "Who are you to tell me? What do you know that I<br />don't already know?" We become not only an audience but a jury.<br />Put Upon<br />Often, presentations are either gratuitous, useful for the teller, or<br />foisted upon an audience because "this is good for you.'' Audiences are<br />not in charge of either the subject or the length and manner of<br />presentation. This can create resentment, especially if the speaker isn't<br />impressive.<br />Manipulated<br />Since most presentations, large or small, cast the speaker as the<br />champion of a cause, the vendor of an idea, or someone who wants the<br />audience to do, think, or agree with something, audiences have a natural<br />tendency to see themselves as being manipulated. They see the speaker<br />as "doing something to them." Not a wholesome, open-minded state.<br />144 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Resistant<br />The common outgrowth of feeling manipulated is to draw the line.<br />"Don't tell me what to do" is as old a response as the first time we<br />disobeyed a parent. There is not only a natural tendency to resist any<br />salesperson for the sheer feeling of strength, smarts, or personal integrity<br />it gives us; we are also, due to our ad-happy culture, very sales-shrewd<br />and vendor-suspicious these days.<br />Challenged<br />Whenever a new idea is presented—or an in-depth, detailed, or<br />alternative version of an old idea—we as an audience are challenged to<br />rise to the occasion and understand it. Especially since you—the<br />speaker—already, and obviously, do. But people learn at different rates<br />and come to such a table with different skills and differing levels of<br />comprehension. Therefore, the very act of being in an audience, trying<br />to understand, can be threatening. Especially since, very often, it's<br />material we need and want to understand.<br />Bonded<br />Because we're all in it together, in that time and place, sharing that<br />special experience and those possible discomforts, audience members do<br />feel connected to each other. Singling any one of us out makes the whole<br />audience feel affiliated with and protective of that person. (Just watch the<br />TV game shows if you doubt this.)<br />Now, let's add the physical realities of sitting in an audience to the<br />emotional responses and consider the effects they could have:<br />• How hard are the chairs?<br />• How long have they already been there?<br />• What else has gone before?<br />• Is it hot? Cold?<br />• Can they see? Hear?<br />• Are they hungry?<br />All of the above affect the receptivity of your audience. Using them<br />as guidelines, let's move on to Phase One of making a speech.<br />Presentations 145<br />PLANNING YOUR PRESENTATION<br />Profile Your Audience<br />What do you especially need to learn about your specific audience to<br />be sure that your message goes right to the heart of what they care about<br />and want or need to know?<br />You need to create a group portrait to be able to predict what their<br />goals, needs, and expectations are; what style and at what level your<br />presentation should be delivered.<br />An Unfamiliar Audience<br />Demographics sound so market-research-oriented, but in truth—<br />isn't that what we want? With a disparate group of strangers, you need<br />to start narrowing your sights about who's coming to hear you in order to<br />be effective with them. You need to learn about:<br />• Age and sex<br />The age (under X, X to Y, over Y) and sex (all male, mixed, all female)<br />of your audience matter because they will affect the choices you make:<br />choices in language, allusion, metaphor, allegory, reference points, and<br />so on. Not useful to talk of the current heavy-metal rage to a group of<br />over-forties. Not effective to bring up the old Hollywood morality plays<br />to a group of thirty-year-olds. Sports analogies, family issues, historical<br />references, old-boy networks, disenfranchisement: all these have more<br />or less interest, aptness, and symbolic meaning for one age or sex than<br />another, based on where people are in their lives. Therefore, knowing<br />about these two general categories begins to help you winnow the range<br />of choices you make in preparing your speech.<br />Please understand that this is only a start in generalizing about who's<br />in your audience and what they probably care about and respond to. (No<br />letters about women football fans and male needlepointers, please. I<br />know they're there!)<br />• Professional level<br />• Are you sharing new data?<br />• Introducing them to your methods?<br />• Altering an existing belief?<br />• Solving a common problem?<br />146 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />What you're trying to say and how to put it must be based on<br />whether these are hands-on people, management, staff, customers, or<br />laymen. Therefore find out what they already know about and how<br />deeply they know it. How much experience have they actually had in<br />dealing with your subject? Most of all, from what point of view do you<br />wish to talk to them?<br />• Educational level<br />The choice of language and metaphor as well as how deep you go is<br />also determined by where your audience stands educationally. Talking<br />over people's heads is the most patronizing and self-destructive thing you<br />can do as a speaker. It's guaranteed to turn people off and make them<br />hostile.<br />For less well-educated audiences, never make the mistake of<br />becoming simplistic. Learning what people don't know should challenge<br />you to simplify, to edit and make clear, but not to talk down.<br />Another aspect of knowing about the educational level of your<br />audience is how long you can speak and how detailed you can get. For<br />highly trained audiences, accustomed to research and lectures, your<br />horizons are opened for a lengthier form of explanation (although<br />everyone has a cut-off point). For less informed listeners a more practical,<br />less theoretical approach should probably be taken with more time spent<br />on why they should listen at all and where this subject fits in their lives.<br />• Socioeconomic level<br />Granted, we're working from stereotypes when we presume to know<br />an audience merely by knowing their salary level, probable bank<br />balance, or status of bills payable. Yet, suburban homeowner, inner-city<br />solo loft dweller, or apartment renter with roommate all are conditioned<br />by their social and economic experiences and can respond from very<br />different mental sets.<br />• Ethnic differences<br />It's also important to be aware of the different kinds of belief systems<br />and morality issues that are shared by ethnic groups in various parts of<br />the country and how that might affect how you structure your message.<br />Coming in with a very avant-garde plan, for example, blissfully<br />unaware of the conservative family and business traditions in a certain<br />section, is a one-way street to being turned down. So learn something<br />about the unique make-up of your audience and how their backgrounds<br />or belief systems could affect how they hear you.<br />Presentations 147<br />A Familiar Audience<br />If yours is an audience you already know, you may already have the<br />answers to many of these questions. Going through them, though, and<br />creating a quick profile helps you focus.<br />There are a few questions uniquely relevant to an audience that<br />knows you that can help you pinpoint their key elements and some<br />predictable responses.<br />• How do they feel about you? Do they know you well personally? Is<br />your relationship casual and friendly or more distant and formal? This<br />could help you decide how relaxed and informal you want to be.<br />• What is their perception of you and your work? Do they know your<br />responsibilities, expertise, power, status? What do they think about<br />that? Are you on the same level, below, or above your audience in terms<br />of job status and knowledge?<br />• How does your work or position affect them? Is there a little awe<br />and wonder, if you're a very senior person? Maybe some resentment and<br />stereotyping? Can you be seen as dangerous to them? Threatening? Or<br />inconsequential, perhaps, which would make you sharpen your focus on<br />being extremely relevant, with crisp, enlightening information?<br />Answering these questions is obviously vital to your preparation—<br />both for style and for content.<br />Why Are They Coming<br />Find out why your audience is coming. Knowing that will tell you<br />what their mood will be when you begin and what you might want to<br />change or upend right at the start.<br />Take the time to ask this question of the people who arranged the<br />talk, if it's an unfamiliar audience. If it's a familiar audience within your<br />own workplace, ask a few of your fellow employees or whoever organized<br />the meeting. Spend a moment putting yourself in their place, thinking<br />about why they will be at the meeting and how that affects them.<br />Coercion<br />Are they being told to go? Although this won't make you happy,<br />you'd better know it up front. Knowing this would affect how quickly and<br />thoroughly you must intrigue them with your topic and how relevant to<br />148 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />them you must make it right at the beginning. And how hard you'd<br />better work!<br />Personal Interest<br />Are they coming to hear you? Perhaps it's because of your reputation<br />in the field or because of recent publicity. Maybe your job and resultant<br />experience makes you the person they want to hear from, either from<br />genuine curiosity or because it relates to their work in some way. In this<br />case your presentation should be quite personal and sharing in nature.<br />Subject-Matter Interest<br />Are they coming because they want to know more about the subject<br />and you're the conduit? Then you need to know more about what aspect<br />of your subject they want to hear about and how it relates to what they're<br />already doing. This would mean a more in-depth look, if they're in your<br />field, or a well-presented, comprehensive overview if they're newcomers.<br />Politics<br />Maybe they're coming because it's the "right" thing to do—either<br />within their own firm or because it's an industry get-together and they<br />need to be seen. This challenges you to make them be glad they came.<br />And to do it early. Give them a new message or a twist on something you<br />all know about that they may never have thought about before, blowing<br />the irrelevance with which they view your speech, and to do it early.<br />Hostility<br />Your audience could also be made up of people who disagree with<br />you; representatives of another point of view; people who are being<br />negatively affected by what you do or propose to do, or by whom you<br />represent. Major challenge! Knowing this prior cast to the audience<br />helps you prepare a presentation that could begin by listing all their<br />grievances and dealing with them up front before you even try to turn<br />them around to your way of thinking!<br />Indifference<br />You may be the strong proponent for (or opponent of) a particular<br />issue. Your audience may not care much and be on a totally different<br />Presentations 149<br />emotional wavelength than you. They could even be attending because<br />of something else on the program. Knowing the space between your<br />commitment level and theirs can help you start at a much lower speed<br />and decibel and build slowly, as you feel the audience come with you. If<br />you come in at a hot level of intensity and they're still at the starting gate,<br />you've lost them from the opening gun.<br />Regular Attendance<br />Your audience can be a weekly staff meeting group. People who<br />know you, who expect a certain number of reports per meeting and<br />perhaps have a jaded view of how exciting the proceedings are going to<br />be. The great challenge here is to up-end the usual snail's pace or<br />perfunctory level of presentations. Make 'em sit up and take notice!<br />Make this the memorable meeting "when Jack (or Jill) gave that really<br />great report . . . "<br />Whatever the reason, understanding why your audience is your<br />audience is a vital aspect of helping you design your presentation.<br />Physical Realities<br />What else has been affecting them is a major factor in how well they<br />can listen to you: time of day; when you appear on the program; what else<br />they heard; how long they've been there. These will obviously affect your<br />audience's receptivity and you need to think of them to adapt your<br />speech's pace, approach, and style to these burdensome factors in order<br />to counteract their effect.<br />Timing<br />Remember the section in Chapter 4 about Timing? About hunger<br />and energy level and when to call a meeting? Well, take it seriously when<br />it comes to looking for a receptive audience for your speech as well.<br />Effects?<br />• Lunch<br />Before lunch = cranky and impatient; Right after lunch = logy and<br />sleepy; During lunch = noisy and possible talking at tables. Get<br />prepared for what energy level and special effects you'll need to fight<br />that.<br />150 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Coffee breaks<br />Find out about when there'll be a coffee break and how near to that<br />you'll speak. Remember to give coffee breaks if yours is a lengthy<br />presentation. Everyone needs a stretch and a bathroom visit, no matter<br />how good you are . . .<br />Setting<br />Where is your presentation to be held? Hotel room? Large? Long?<br />A raised dais? Air-conditioned or not? Lighting? Acoustics and amplifiers?<br />How hard are the chairs? Being prepared for the physical realities<br />of your presentation site and knowing in advance what problems of sight<br />and sound your audience (and therefore you) will have to deal with is also<br />important and helpful.<br />What Has Gone Before<br />Find out what kinds of programs they have already lived through to<br />understand what effect that would have and how your presentation will<br />be greeted. Long program? Many speeches? Intense subject? This<br />consideration is true whether you're addressing a large, unknown crowd<br />at a convention or just the folks from the office at a weekly meeting.<br />People have only so much attention span and so much tolerance for<br />getting talked at. You need to build in a change of pace and new life to<br />keep them.<br />So—here's your group portrait; your audience profile. Knowing this<br />helps you customize your speech for them, specifically. Now, what will<br />you say?<br />DESIGNING YOUR PRESENTATION<br />Positioning the Speech<br />What level will you talk at? What approach will you take? It's time for<br />the old Fore-Thought Chart. (Just for review, check the steps in Chapter<br />3.) Since you know your audience well enough now to make generalizations<br />about them, begin to strategize, making sure that your half of the<br />chart is filled in, too.<br />Presentations 151<br />Seeing what the answers are to your Goals, Needs, and Expectations<br />as well as those of your audience is step two in preparing your speech.<br />Now what next?<br />Challenge yourself: Why should your audience listen to what you<br />have to say?<br />Why They Need Your Information<br />Ask yourself:<br />• Why, in the pursuit of their daily lives, is your subject relevant?<br />• Is it within the scope of their work?<br />• Is it not yet in their orbit but should be?<br />• Can it make their work better? More rewarding? Easier? More<br />effective?<br />• Would it affect their life outside of their work and be relevant to<br />them on that level?<br />• Do they have misconceptions that need to be corrected?<br />• Do they need to be inspired to do more with what they already<br />know?<br />Making yourself answer these questions about a subject you care and<br />know a lot about is a real eye-opener. Nothing is more important in terms<br />of getting you in touch with your audience than recognizing the space<br />that exists between them and you about your topic.<br />What Do They Care About<br />Before you can design your presentation, you need to take a look at<br />where your audience is in relation to your material and why they should<br />listen. This can tell you how to pitch your subject and, most importantly,<br />in what capacity you come before them as speaker.<br />How Much Do They Already Know<br />To pitch your presentation at the right level, find out how sophisticated<br />your audience is about your topic. (Even if you can't find out in<br />advance, ask them as you begin your speech: "How many of you know<br />much about XYZ?" to get yourself on target.) It saves much time and<br />boring overkill if you come in on their informational frequency. Knowing<br />in advance will also help you prepare your visual materials more<br />152 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />effectively, since you'll know how simplistic and diagrammatic or<br />detailed and complex you need to make these.<br />What Role Should You Play?<br />Expert? Teacher? Prophet? Critic? Representative from another<br />sector?<br />As you continue to develop your presentation, keep posing the<br />question to yourself about what you are for your audience. Here are a few<br />alternative roles:<br />• Sharer/Guide<br />Suppose this is a situation in which you have to give information or<br />expertise that the group doesn't have. Your role here has to be<br />non-threatening—not a "Here I am, folks, world expert" posture. You<br />need to be non-judgmental, sharing your knowledge with enthusiasm,<br />obviously dedicated to being sure they can get it, too. It's to be their<br />guide through a rather forbidding jungle that you've traversed often<br />and know well—so well that you won't let them get lost. You need to<br />assure them that you know the pitfalls and will stop so they can<br />catch up. This protective sharer/guide quality you need to project<br />softens the distance between what you know and they don't know<br />and makes them able to hear you. This encourages them to listen and<br />learn.<br />• Inspirer<br />Suppose you have to ask for more commitment and an extra measure<br />of work from staff, colleagues, or even the lay public. Your audience is<br />either reluctant, resistant, or without motivation. What role should you<br />play?<br />You can't start telling people what they "should" do for the good of<br />the company, etc. That breeds resentment. Instead, you have to lead, by<br />example: To lay out the need or the issues, and to show the solution.<br />Before they see the need, they can't move toward action. Then—to<br />answer why they should do anything, you need to move into engaging<br />your audience to buy into your message or solution.<br />Here's where you need to show yourself, your zeal and dedication.<br />You need to use your energy and commitment and your persuasive<br />powers to make them follow your lead. Your "troops" need to find<br />someone to follow with enough reasons and passion to overcome their<br />natural inertia or resistance. You need to be inspirational.<br />Presentations 153<br />• Hard-Nosed (though optimistic) Realist<br />Suppose your job is to tell your audience negative information.<br />Times are tough or problems have developed or what they expected is<br />not going to happen. Just flat-out "bad news giver" is not a constructive<br />mode in which to cast yourself.<br />Here your role must be to tell the bad news and some of what went<br />wrong in objective, impersonal terms—factually and quickly. Having<br />gotten rid of that, the very next gear for you to move into is a constructive<br />one. Now you need to present clear steps toward fixing the negative turn<br />of events and telling everyone specifically what needs to be done and<br />how. And—most of all—you need to let them know you believe they can<br />do it and that it can be fixed.<br />These few examples can show you that your audience needs more<br />from you than just your message. The effect of your message on them and<br />the result you want from them both demand that you fill a unique role<br />for them. Therefore, know—before you take center stage—what role you<br />need to play for your audience and what relationship they need from you,<br />so they can really hear you.<br />Basic Organization of a Speech<br />Structure<br />The checklist in Chapter 5 (p. 00) sets forth the underlying structure<br />of any speech to make the most logical and easily followed design for any<br />audience. Although unique occasions and subjects may call for abbreviated<br />versions or a very different approach, this is the simplest, most<br />orderly format to follow, with the most flexible sections within which to<br />design your message.<br />Selecting the Content<br />"But you can't leave that out! This is so important! How can they<br />learn this without first hearing about those?"<br />Strength and courage, folks. Editing is a fact, unless you want to<br />hand out pillows as you begin your speech. You must find a method of<br />selection that will counter your tendency to tell too much.<br />Start out knowing that what makes a speech great is the feeling of<br />giving "just enough" to your audience.<br />154 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Just enough background material to be oriented to your point of<br />view.<br />• Just enough information to understand what you mean and<br />stimulate them to think about it.<br />• Just enough examples and explicit visualization (graphic or oral)<br />so they can make up their own minds.<br />To help you select your content, I have created a little motto:<br />TELL THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO KNOW<br />NOT ALL YOU KNOW!<br />Give them the kinds of basics to bring them into your orbit and, at<br />each step, give them enough to be able to move on to the next. To<br />paraphrase an old Fats Waller song: "Find out what they need to know<br />and how they need to know it, And give it to them just that way!"<br />What to Make Visual<br />Chapter 5 describes when you should make your material visual and<br />the best ways to do that.<br />SHOULD YOU WRITE IT?<br />Written vs. Oral Speeches<br />Now I enter stormy waters. Most people's tendency is to "write it all<br />out so I get it straight" (or "right" or '"well said") because they're afraid<br />to try for the words at the actual moment, in case they get stuck.<br />But, reading a speech is not the optimum technique for oral<br />communication to an audience. I know that some speeches must be read<br />for legal or policy reasons, but barring that, the method of delivery<br />should be extemporaneous, from notes.<br />Oral communication at its best should feel like a live dialogue<br />between the teller and the audience.<br />It's personal. You talk, and they feel that you're talking just for them,<br />to them, about them.<br />It's immediate. Of the moment. Live. Unique. Unduplicatable.<br />Presentations 155<br />The Written Word<br />This is designed for delay: Delay between when the message is<br />created and when it is received. Delay in how the message itself is taken<br />in.<br />When words are read, the eye has the leisure to go back over the<br />things it didn't understand, to reread and re-assimilate. Reading a<br />written message, we take in information at our pace, not the writer's.<br />Words alone create the sound of the author's voice.<br />You, as speech writer, rely on that process, too. You design your<br />words to say it all. Then, you critique by reading and rereading them,<br />testing to see if the words—as read—give the message.<br />But that's not how your audience will receive it. So you're analyzing<br />a very different version of your speech than your audience will get.<br />The Spoken Word<br />Oral communication is instantaneous and doesn't rely on words<br />alone. It depends on and is heightened by your delivery. Pace, rhythm,<br />inflection, phrasing, pitch, facial expression all shape the message and<br />define the author's "voice." The words serve only as part of what is<br />communicated.<br />Oral communication cannot exist without the speaker.<br />Performance<br />Reading a written speech leaves little room for performance since the<br />speaker must continually return to the printed page. This gives your<br />message the quality of being extremely controlled and withheld.<br />Extemporaneous speaking from notes leaves the speaker free to<br />move; to use different parts of the stage, to gesture spontaneously—all<br />adding to the image of a live, fully committed performance given as a gift<br />to the audience.<br />Flexibility<br />Extemporaneous speech is interactive, not one-way. This means you<br />can see and "feel" your audience at the moment and know just how it's<br />going—"too slow," "too big a bite," "need to go back again." Since you're<br />creating at the moment, you're flexible. You can add, subtract, and<br />explain again based on what's happening to that audience, right then. No<br />guessing in advance about how much is enough.<br />156 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />In a written speech, you're stuck. There is no flexibility. You can't<br />stop and fix anything if you feel you're losing your audience. God forbid<br />that you stray away from the text and try to improvise! Finding your way<br />back in as you fumble through the paragraphs is a disaster, and when you<br />do get back in, you'll usually find that you've already just said some of the<br />text, and differently. You're thrown off your pace, have blown your cool,<br />and feel like an exposed clod.<br />The Use of Language Is Different<br />The spoken word uses much shorter sentences. Because you see<br />your audience as you speak, the tendency is to be much more informal<br />and conversational, using simpler words more commonly used. You also<br />know, subconsciously, that you can rely on the vocal, physical and<br />performance aspects of communicating to help deliver and explain your<br />message.<br />Writing is a much more formal means of communicating. What's<br />called to mind when you write a speech is explicit textbook language (a<br />little dry and long-winded) and formal phrases (a little stiff), as well as the<br />professional shorthand language used most often in written memos from<br />above. When you write, rather than thinking of the most direct, simple<br />way to say something, the tendency is to fall into pattern and cliche based<br />on what you think sounds professional and smart as you read it.<br />The Effect of Written Speeches on the Audience<br />Marching up, speech in hand, and plunking it down on the lectern<br />to read brings forth to audiences mainly negative images. The usual<br />effects of reading a speech are that:<br />• It creates a conditioned reflex born of all the boring, professorial,<br />or sermonizing orations your audience has ever heard.<br />• The authorship can be suspect; who actually wrote it? Since most<br />written speeches are devoid of personal touches, nothing feels<br />like your particular hallmark.<br />• Your natural conversational style is altered into a more formal,<br />removed, and stilted one. This presents you as formal, removed,<br />and stilted, too.<br />• Seamless delivery without faltering or looking for a word, neither<br />backtracking nor trying another explanation, is not how you, or<br />Presentations 157<br />most people, normally talk. So the audience sees and hears<br />someone unfamiliar and very unlike them.<br />• If it's an audience you know, they will contrast how you usually<br />talk and behave with this very different image.<br />• You can't make continual eye contact with your audience; you<br />cannot be as genuine or personal as you would be without your<br />head buried.in the pages. Nor can you judge if they're getting it<br />or getting bored.<br />The Effects on You, the Speaker<br />Written Speeches<br />• Energy level<br />It comes from your paper, not from your audience. The best of your<br />energy was really left in your office or your den, spent there as you wrote<br />for an audience you conjured then. Reading and rereading your speech<br />as you imagined how they would respond to each point or turn of phrase<br />was when you were involved in the real process of communicating.<br />To stand before your audience and re-say it for the tenth time<br />(because of course you practiced your head off!) is but a pale copy. It's an<br />exercise, not a vigorous, creative effort.<br />• Security<br />"But I like writing it out. I feel more secure that way. " The fact is,<br />reading creates a bigger worry—losing your place. Since your active,<br />creative mind is turned off when you're reading, "ad-libbing" and trying<br />to flow back into your pre-canned message makes a real problem. Also,<br />you give your audience a chance to glimpse the "real" you—genuine,<br />animated, a trifle hesitant, and human . . .<br />Oral Speeches from Notes<br />• Energy level<br />By keeping eye contact with your audience, you allow them to<br />become your catalyst, your energizer. They become a continual reminder<br />of what you're doing and why you're doing it.<br />Working from the audience, rather than from the printed word,<br />gives you a tremendous push forward. You present your material at a<br />much better level and it puts you at a more intense and committed<br />pitch.<br />158 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Security<br />When you improvise from an outline that just tells you where you're<br />going, you actually make your job easier. It's much more secure to work<br />from notes because your brain is alive right then, thinking of what you're<br />saying and where you're going next. Therefore, backtracking, rerouting,<br />changing your mind, explaining in a new way are easy.<br />Most lay people are simply not good enough actors to make a written<br />speech sound fresh and new. Your audience is in a much more passive<br />mode.<br />Effective speeches, providing good contact with your audience and<br />making your personal presence felt, should be extemporaneous—from<br />an outline and notes. Then your speech is really you. It sounds, looks,<br />and feels more natural to you and your audience.<br />For Addicted Speech Writers<br />I know, I know. I hear you saying, "Yeah, natural. . . and rambling,<br />and fumbling, and not very articulate!"<br />But that's about concentration and ways to organize thinking: things<br />you can learn to do with much greater rewards than the security blanket<br />a written speech offers you.<br />So, to all of you addicted speech writers: Try it. Begin to experiment<br />with freeing yourself by delivering a message from notes in a small<br />presentation. Let the same head that puts all those words on paper,<br />privately, manufacture them right there before your audience's eyes and<br />ears. Those words are yours! You do know your subject matter! The<br />words will be there when you need them, stimulated by the actual<br />performance setting. // you have good, usable notes . . .<br />For Extemporizers<br />To those of you who do speak from notes, hooray! You're on your<br />way. Let me help you with some more effective systems for writing your<br />notes.<br />So let's find out how to write usable notes that will give you a base<br />from which to improvise—notes so eloquent they virtually compel you to<br />move to the next step and show you how to deliver your next thought.<br />Presentations 159<br />MAKING USABLE NOTES AND OUTLINES<br />For you to stay free, to be able to think and talk, your notes must:<br />• Be immediately understandable.<br />• Be written in such a way that the order of where you're going is<br />made visually simple and clear to you, instantly.<br />• Feed you information in short, catalytic bursts that make their<br />translation into speech self-evident.<br />• Signal their various levels of importance in advance.<br />• Tell you in what quality, form, and style they should be<br />delivered as you see them.<br />Now, here's the problem: The notes and outlines we're accustomed<br />to writing were for studying later. But when you're speaking, you don't<br />have the time to read and decipher what you meant and decide on their<br />relative importance and values in order to deliver them well, at that<br />moment.<br />Notes must speak to you so succinctly that you can see and process<br />them on the spot and use them as a springboard to launch the next idea<br />toward your audience. Here's how.<br />The Basic Process<br />The biggest mistake people make when writing notes from which<br />to speak is that they write out too much. The secret is to write your<br />notes as catalysts—one or two word "bullets" or phrases—action<br />words designed just to remind you about the next point and push<br />you into it with momentum. They should give you a clue about where<br />this fits in the whole picture and an indication of what delivery style to<br />use.<br />Just seeing key words like "basic plan," "budget," "stumbling<br />blocks" can trigger a response in you. You know what they stand for and<br />why you want to talk about that point. The rest of the words will come<br />through as you begin to speak.<br />Use Whole Pages<br />I do not recommend using little index cards. You can only write a few<br />lines on an index card and everybody watches you shuffling the cards. It<br />doesn't make any sense since you can't hide them in your hand and that<br />160 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />surreptitious little peek looks so phony, as though you think we don't see<br />that you really have notes. We see you and we know it!<br />We, as audience, give any speaker permission to bring and use<br />notes. We want you to be prepared! But full-length pages are the way to<br />go because they can give you both an instant overview and a sense of<br />continuity. You can write much more on a page and it can tell you not<br />only where you are but what's coming up next.<br />Short Words<br />The hardest thing to do is to reduce the phrases and ideas to a form<br />short enough to be useful as speech notes. The essential problem with<br />writing actual sentences that use pronouns, prepositions, and adjectives<br />is that the mind is automatically put in a reading mode—moving the eyes<br />to the right horizontally to get the whole idea. That stops you and<br />interrupts the desired springboard effect notes should have—the vertical<br />process of "Look down; get the idea; bounce your eyes up; make<br />audience contact; talk."<br />Don't Lose Eye Contact<br />Since the human eye can grab three long or four short words at a<br />time without needing to move to the right to read them, use only<br />essential, descriptive words with one, two, no more than three words on<br />a line. Seeing more than that throws you into a horizontal reading mode,<br />stopping your "see-think-talk" process.<br />New Symbols<br />When you use an abbreviated outline form as a springboard for oral<br />presentations, you need a series of symbols or signals to tell you in<br />advance what's coming and how to deliver it. You need to know that the<br />next thought is important, that the list of words you see will culminate in<br />a major statement, or that in the upcoming section you must shift gears<br />and change the mood from a cool, logical one to a softer, more intimate<br />and personal one. You need to give yourself a hint about what each<br />section is about.<br />Example: Here's a visual outline of the above paragraph, designed for<br />talking notes. See how I've adapted the material into symbols and a kind<br />of shorthand.<br />Presentations 161<br />A. NEED NEW SYMBOLS<br />1. Abbrev. outline<br />2. Springboard<br />3. Advance signals<br />a. what's coming<br />b. how deliver<br />c. quality next thought<br />d. what list means<br />e. statement<br />f. mood shift coming<br />Personalize<br />Design your own set of visual symbols to alert you to deliver the next<br />words or thoughts in a different way. We all respond to different visual<br />stimuli—layout, spaces, accents, indents, contrasting colors, underlines,<br />capital letters.<br />Discover what you respond to most, what colors and symbols are<br />most eloquent to you. Then develop your own system of visual shorthand<br />to signal the other dimensions of your outline words—to remind you of<br />your basic themes, of relative importance, intrinsic drama, or building to<br />a climax.<br />The above two paragraphs could look like the following:<br />PARAGRAPH ONE (starts "Design your own set . . .")<br />B. DESIGN OWN SYMBOLS<br />1. Indiv. responses<br />a. page layout<br />b. spaces {color underline)<br />c. accents<br />Possible d. indents<br />Designs e contrasting colors<br />f. underlines<br />g. capital letters<br />162 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />PARAGRAPH TWO (starts "Discover what you respond to . . .")<br />Before I began it, I would signal myself by writing, in color, deeply<br />indented, so I would notice it:<br />MOOD SHIFT: More personal<br />continue with outline:<br />(use different color<br />C. FIND YOUR SYMBOLS for mood change)<br />1. Discover own respns.<br />2. Make personal shorthand<br />Conclusion<br />• remind basic themes<br />• relative importance<br />• drama/climax<br />These are the symbols that work best for me. Notice the techniques<br />I used:<br />• spaces and layout for idea separation<br />• the layout and the margin notes explaining each section. You<br />want to be able to quickly shuffle or rearrange the order.<br />• what's underlined and capitalized and how that helps distinguish<br />whole new ideas<br />• how bullets and lowercase letters are used to explain that this list<br />is made up of examples of one idea, not separate ideas.<br />• the mood shift instruction, placed where and how it is, in a color<br />that describes the mood (mauve for personal; could be red for<br />important or green for positive). It alerts you by its indentation<br />and total separation from the text. It gives you advance warning<br />and tells of the quality coming up as well, so you can change your<br />delivery before you say the next sentence.<br />About Underlining<br />Underlining works, but not as universally as you think. It speaks of<br />only one gear. How "loud" should the underlined word be? How<br />different is it from the next underlined word? Does it mean loud or does<br />it mean important, heavy, thought-provoking?<br />Presentations 163<br />Therefore you may want to make different underline symbols like:<br />====versus versus I<br />Decide how to differentiate your "underlinings," and by all means, use<br />color! This really makes instant response and a major difference between<br />meanings.<br />Colors<br />Underlining or writing out certain kinds of thoughts with colored<br />pens is extremely useful. If you decide that blue means basic principles,<br />red means key points, green means details and examples, orange or<br />purple mean emotional or personal concepts, you can give yourself a<br />visual cue for presenting many kinds of ideas with the proper, weight,<br />mood, and style. Choose your colors based on your emotional response<br />to them. They will impact on your consciousness and therefore affect how<br />you give your presentation.<br />Lists<br />A vertical list is an automatic organizer. As soon as your eye sees one,<br />you know that these are several connected points that explain what has<br />just gone before. Use numbers or filled-in bullet dots • before your words<br />to make them even more visually organized-looking. Keep the list<br />consistent—all ideas should have only one line apiece, to make them look<br />like they have the same general importance and character. Don't<br />interrupt the rhythm you see unless it serves a purpose.<br />Spaces and Indents<br />Words are written just as you see these words you're reading now.<br />W h a t h a p p e n s to you as<br />y o u r e a d t h e s e words?<br />Did you read them more slowly? Did you read them putting more<br />weight on each word? How would you say them aloud?<br />This device is excellent when you come to your key, big sentence,<br />your smashing put-'em-away thought. It alerts you, slows you down, and<br />tells you right away to deliver it differently.<br />Another really effective device using space in your layout is to insert<br />164 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />more than the usual amount of space between ideas and to indent even<br />further, like this:<br />A major thought is really seen<br />when placed this way on your page.<br />To identify the key sentence even further, box it in. Use color to<br />underline or box it. You can also make the letters larger.<br />Typed vs. Handwritten<br />How do you learn best? By writing something yourself or by reading<br />something typed and memorizing it? Decide which visual form suits you<br />best; what helps you remember, what triggers you. Then decide whether<br />to write your outlines yourself or have them typed. You might like the<br />combination of having your basic outline typed, and then going over it<br />making extra notes in text or margin, using colors, underlining—in other<br />words, personalizing.<br />To sum up: You need visual catalysts, not just words, to help you add<br />emphasis, feeling, and verbal order to your thoughts as you extemporize<br />from notes. To present your ideas well and persuasively to your<br />audience, you must be able to see and absorb your notes with logic,<br />order, and an inkling of the quality needed before you deliver them.<br />Now let's get to the behavioral stuff: How to make it (and you)<br />believable, persuasive, interesting, and memorable. How do you build<br />in the fireworks? Where are the dynamics? What about style and ways to<br />handle content? Language? Audience involvement?<br />TECHNIQUES FOR DELIVERING MEMORABLE<br />SPEECHES<br />Everyone has heard speeches. Everyone is conditioned to assume<br />they're mostly boring. How to make yours different? How to make<br />audiences sit up and take notice and follow every word of that dynamic<br />speaker (you) who has them in thrall?<br />Attention-Getting Openings<br />"That reminds me of a story . . . " Did you ever stop to think about<br />why every speech seems to start that way? Actually the goal the speaker<br />Presentations 165<br />is trying to achieve is the right one: To warm up the audience, get their<br />attention, and start on a friendly, pleasant, informal note.<br />What's wrong with the "story" technique is that not only does the<br />story commonly not apply to the rest of the speech, but ninety-nine<br />times out of a hundred, that's the last bit of laughter, warmth, or<br />informality you'll get for the duration of the speech! Funny-story<br />openings promise something they never deliver. They create a visible<br />space between "that's the fun part" and "this is the real speech."<br />What Openings Should Do<br />Your opening must establish your theme and why it is valuable for<br />the audience to listen. But the first thing your audience wants to know<br />is who you are and how they will relate to you, even before they want to<br />know the essence of what you're going to talk about. Remember—we're<br />still basically as suspicious of strangers as we ever were. Therefore, your<br />opening needs to let your audience in on a quick personal portrait of<br />who's telling—without ever telling them that's what you're doing.<br />Sounds difficult? Actually, it's instinctive. Watch what you do when<br />you just get introduced to someone at a party:<br />• You smile ("See—I'm a friend").<br />• Shake hands (a short-cut physical contact to experience each<br />other more closely).<br />• You circle, subject-wise, looking for a common interest, or<br />• Make a joke to show your personality and charm, or<br />• Comment on the party, weather, etc.<br />Why? Just to get the ball, and the get-acquainted process rolling.<br />In every instance you're looking for a common meeting ground, a<br />way of identifying with that other person to show who you are and to get<br />a little closer. What you're really saying is:<br />"This is me. Different from you, but not really. Let's draw a little<br />closer. Look what we have in common. See how much I know about you,<br />us, work, life, etc., and how I'll use that in the rest of my speech." Now<br />you've satisfied the "Who's Telling?" question and can go on.<br />The best approach is an informal, personal one, bridging the space that<br />separates you from the audience, not only physically but symbolically.<br />Example: "You know, preparing for this speech, I sat and imagined<br />all of you. You'd be sitting there thinking, 'Now, what's this gonna be<br />about? How long will it take and when's lunch. . . ?' "<br />166 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />What does this kind of opening accomplish?<br />• It sets you among them, not apart. By predicting what they're<br />thinking, you tell them that you've been there, too. Like them, you've<br />also anticipated boredom and wished you were somewhere else. "Hmm,<br />sounds like a pretty regular sort," thinks your audience.<br />• It has warmth and humor. Demonstrating that you not only have<br />that but are very willing to show it before a large group is another<br />surprise and brings you closer to your audience. The wry touch of<br />humor, the relaxed manner says to them: "This speech is going to be a<br />little different; not stuffy or formal. It'll deal with the truth and it'll be on<br />my wavelength. Probably enjoyable, too. "<br />• It shows that you care about them enough to even spend time<br />imagining them as you prepared your speech. This bodes well for the<br />substance of your speech. "It'll probably be about something / care<br />about, not only what the speaker cares about. "<br />• It suggests you're a pretty secure person. To dare to say at the<br />outset that they probably think you might be boring is to get a laugh and<br />a doff of the cap. People don't often make fun of themselves, especially<br />in public.<br />Telling a surprising, human kind of truth as an opener is one of the<br />strongest beginnings. But, it's not for everyone! Some of us feel very<br />comfortable being personally revealing like that. Others, because of<br />background and conditioning, may feel very uncomfortable talking like<br />that. If your father was very formal and never loosened his tie at the<br />dinner table, it may be kind of hard for you to present an informal image<br />that will also make you feel professional.<br />Other Possible Openings<br />Be true to yourself. Find an opening that feels comfortable, now that<br />you know what it needs to do.<br />• Shared experiences<br />You can begin by telling them about an experience you both share:<br />"Like you, I work in steel. I've been at this plant as long as some of<br />you, maybe longer than most, but not as long as Joe Brown over there."<br />This kind of "leveling" approach moves you in among them and also<br />gives you the opportunity to toss a personal, friendly greeting to one of<br />their own. Audiences always feel they share in kudos for one of their own<br />Presentations 167<br />and love to participate with applause, a few cheers, etc. A little<br />involvement right at the start is great.<br />• Shared background or interest<br />"I come from Wabash, too, originally, and remember when the old<br />lumber yard was down on . . ."; or reveal a hobby you share with some<br />of the audience, like:<br />"On a clear crisp day like this what are we all doing in here? I know<br />we'd all like to be out cross-country skiing over to the Falls instead of<br />listening to speeches!"<br />• Shared goals<br />Another approach is to use the subject matter as a joint jumping-off<br />place:<br />"Well, it looks like the company is in the best of hands. We need<br />commitment and we've got it. Here you are, interrupting your day to<br />hear about how to make better widgets, and you must surely know how<br />/ feel about that."<br />• Shared values<br />Still another area to work from is to let them in on some aspect of<br />what else you care about besides business, and then let that lead you into<br />your subject.<br />"Yesterday my daughter graduated from high school. The first kid. A<br />big milestone for us. Maybe some of you just shared that. Gives you kind<br />of a twinge, doesn't it? To see how fast the time passes and how much<br />things change. I don't feel too removed from high school myself and here<br />she is talking computer lingo that makes me feel really over the hill!<br />"There's a lesson there. We sure can't sit back and feel satisfied with<br />what we know. It's outdated before you know it! Kinda scary, y'know?<br />So—come with me while I take you on a trip to Tomorrow-Land. To see<br />what's new in the marketplace and how we need to gear up to absorb and<br />use it."<br />See what this does as an opening?<br />You touch a feeling part, not a thinking part, first. Get em where the<br />feelings are! Much stronger than the head alone . . .<br />You told them something personal about you that they can surely<br />identify with. Kids, graduation, "where is the little girl I carried?" kind<br />of nostalgia.<br />You identified a common fear—becoming outdated—and let them<br />know you know it's scary, and that's okay.<br />168 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />You told them that you're there to help by bringing them the new<br />news and showing them how to use it.<br />One more approach:<br />• Tie in to an important current event or local occasion<br />Anything that makes them see you as aware and aware of them is a<br />helpful opening message. It helps you lead into your subject more<br />gracefully than simply starting with paragraph one of your speech.<br />Clearly, there is no one perfect opening, good for all occasions. Just<br />be continually aware, as you plan yours, of the purpose of an opening:<br />• To find a common meeting ground;<br />• To identify yourself with your audience;<br />• To let them know something of who you are by your style, choice<br />of language, and approach;<br />• To connect into the body of the speech in a seamless way so the<br />opening obviously belongs to this speech and this unique<br />audience, right now.<br />One last thought: Your audience's highest point of concentration and<br />pure attention is within the first one and a half to two minutes of your<br />speech . . .<br />After using your opening, establishing your theme, and showing why<br />your audience should listen, you move into the body of your speech.<br />What techniques can you use to continue to hold onto your audience's<br />attention?<br />Audience Involvement<br />Why Audience Involvement?<br />Look again at the first few pages of this chapter to remember the<br />basic emotional responses people have toward being an audience. Now<br />let's add some of the physical problems they can face as part of a captive<br />sitting audience. Many forces are fighting your intention to deliver a<br />memorable speech to an audience of rapt listeners. Don't ever take your<br />audience for granted . . .<br />You can't design and plan your speech without taking into account<br />the need to continually stimulate and bring them along with you. So let's<br />Presentations 169<br />look at the ways you can involve your audience by making them an active<br />part of your speech.<br />Ask Questions<br />Asking your audience questions and inviting them to respond is one<br />of the best ways to:<br />• Personalize and customize your speech;<br />• Find out how they feel and what they know about your subject;<br />• Show them that they matter to you;<br />• Accelerate the pace and energy of your presentation.<br />You know how we all like to take those mini pop-quizzes in the<br />magazines to find out how we rate? Your audience loves the sense of<br />activity and is curious about its shared concerns and common attitudes,<br />even divergences of opinion.<br />One more note: You actually get some useful information from your<br />audience that you can use as catalysts or reference points in your speech!<br />Group questioning<br />Design your questions to be as inclusive as possible at the beginning.<br />"Who in this room has ever. . . ?" can cause only some people to raise<br />their hands if the question is too narrow and limited.<br />Start with a big win by asking a question sure to get a big yes or no<br />or laugh of recognition. After you ask it, tell them to raise their hands,<br />showing what you mean by raising yours. Keep the ball rolling by asking<br />two more. Once they get the feeling, they like doing it, and you've<br />opened a sense of dialogue and shared power as you cede them a piece<br />of your one-way platform.<br />Follow-up<br />Pursue it further by getting into the answers a little deeper. Point to<br />one or another of the answerers and ask, "Why do you think that is?" or,<br />"When did that start?" By making personal contact with some surrogate<br />members, you make deeper contact with your whole audience. Caution:<br />Choose well by looking for an obviously responsive type. Otherwise it<br />could be threatening, especially to a shy person.<br />170 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Rhetorical questions<br />"What would you think the real number is?" "Did you ever think<br />about how. . . ?" "So what does that mean?"<br />You needn't actually get an answer. Whenever you ask a rhetorical<br />question, people will feel that you're talking directly to them, wanting to<br />know. They feel stimulated and will automatically think an answer. They<br />love to do that because they're not exposed, no one hears what they<br />think, and they also know they're about to get the right answer—from<br />you.<br />Make them move<br />If possible, get your audience to stand and stretch as a break in the<br />proceedings after a particularly heavy segment or even as you begin, if<br />they've been sitting there for a while.<br />Simply say: "Okay, everybody, stretching time. Everyone stand up<br />and put your arms up like this and S T R E T C H ! "<br />You become an instant friend. It's attention-getting, since people<br />rarely help an audience that way, and you'll get back a much more alert<br />and willing audience.<br />If you're the type and feel comfortable with it, you can lead them in<br />a few stretches and bends, even some jumps in place, and listen to them<br />laugh and get charged up. It encourages the shy ones and makes for good<br />rapport with your audience.<br />"Turn to Your Neighbor"<br />Whenever I teach something like the effects of eye contact in my<br />seminars, I always ask people to turn to each other and try it out. Giving<br />your audience something to do that bears out a point you're making is<br />another great device for keeping audiences involved, interested, and<br />paying attention.<br />Demos at Their Seats<br />Try to build in demonstrations they can do at their seats, to do<br />something with their hands like drawing or writing. Or get them to stand<br />up and try something as a group to experience it firsthand.<br />Volunteers from Audience<br />People love to watch someone else do something as they sit back and<br />giggle, secretly thrilled that it isn't them but extremely intrigued to see<br />Presentations 171<br />an audience member or buddy, one of their own, up there doing<br />something.<br />You can do benign things like simply asking one or two people to<br />help you move something or hold something (they always get a hand,<br />don't they?). You can build in a demonstration of what you're talking<br />about and ask someone to participate in it with you, if you can't make it<br />a group exercise.<br />Sum Up: Your audience's inattention and disengagement due to<br />their physical and psychological passivity should be handled by including<br />them in the action of your speech. Surprise them by involving them. It's<br />energizing, effective, and memorable.<br />Now to the content of your speech.<br />Presenting Subject Matter<br />From the Familiar to the New<br />The best way to start explaining a new subject is by describing<br />something familiar and then working up to what's different. The old, not<br />the new, gives an audience the sense of security that they will understand<br />your material.<br />If you start with ". . . something like opening a screw-top jar," they<br />can instantly picture it because they've done that a thousand times. On<br />safe ground conceptually from the start, they'll stay with you as you add<br />the differences one at a time.<br />"Picture a boat. Now if I add X, it begins to be able to . . ." makes<br />something become interesting as you unfold or add on layers to the rest<br />of your story because they have begun with confidence, able to imagine<br />and identify with it.<br />Process First—Not Detail<br />Everyone can grasp a process when it's pared down to the bare bone.<br />You lose them when you add too many details at the outset.<br />They're just trying to get the general idea: What it looks like, what<br />it does, and something about how it works. Analyze and give only the<br />essentials they need to know; no fancy technical terms or deadly details<br />yet. Otherwise you invite them to shut off the master switch.<br />Explain and Intrigue<br />Here's a progression of how to edit and unfold information:<br />172 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Start slowly with the whole idea.<br />• Tell them something of what the new idea is about.<br />• Tell them why they need it.<br />• Remind them how the old system works and what its failings<br />were.<br />• Begin to tell about the major differences between the old and the<br />new. (Here's the place to add your visuals.)<br />• Add just enough to clarify the process further. (Show some<br />more.)<br />• You might like to open for a few questions here and let the<br />questions become the catalysts for your bringing in more details.<br />This gives people a chance to absorb at their own pace and let<br />you know when they're ready for more.<br />Visualize and Demonstrate<br />The best clarification in the world is some form of visual reinforcement.<br />Why, how, when, and which ones to use is described in<br />Chapter 5.<br />Give Examples of Facts<br />If you need to describe exact measurements like square feet, yards,<br />inches, or pounds, you should know that everyone has a very inexact<br />vision of them. Most of us don't have an accurate picture of distance and<br />size. To make such references instantly clear and precise to all, measure<br />such distances in advance in the place where you will speak. Then it's<br />quite simple to say, "That means it's twice as high as this room,'' or, "It's<br />from here to the back wall." You can also bring objects along to show<br />relative size: "It was only six inches long, like this pencil."<br />Topics and Transitions<br />Have you noticed the layout of this book? Each chapter and idea is<br />completely broken down into outline form. From major headings to topic<br />and subheadings to lists, it's designed to show the content's order, to<br />help you see where it fits. You've been able to compartmentalize the<br />material and to figure out where you are.<br />Imagine how hard it would be to visualize this breakdown and<br />organization if you only heard it. Your audience can't see your notes!<br />That's why you need to outline for them orally and explicitly so they can<br />"see" your logic and order.<br />Presentations 173<br />Also, remember to recap and make transitions to each new subject<br />rather than leaving your audience trying to figure out where they are, on<br />their own.<br />Humanize and Personalize<br />This seems hard to imagine as you confront the fiscal statement, the<br />sales report, or the new plan for retooling. But—be creative. People<br />identify most with something that smacks of themselves and of life.<br />• When you talk of big gains in relation to the financial statement or<br />sales report, add the people who made it happen. Speak of and verbally<br />applaud the divisions, individuals, the spirit of the company that was an<br />integral part of that success. Personal appreciation is more motivation to<br />lots of folks than sheer numbers alone.<br />• Talk of feelings of disappointment or anxiety you all share if you<br />have to confront the drop in performance. Ruminate with them about<br />why it happened, on a personal as well as a professional basis. Allow that<br />they are a part of, actually the key to what's happening and, "since we're<br />all human, we need to see how our personal fallibility (disinterest,<br />complacency) can affect the company; what we need to do personally to<br />turn it around."<br />• Focus on a local sports or other hero or some tough human<br />endeavor and what it takes as one confronts a tough situation. This can<br />take you away from the theoretical, amorphous "so we must do better,"<br />or, "these figures are very disappointing, " and into the next step)—<br />personal motivation and the team approach.<br />• The topic is retooling or other technical data? Again, find the people<br />behind the diagrams. Discuss the creative process we all go through as<br />we sit before a blank piece of paper trying to come up with something<br />new; how tough and frustrating it is to imagine something that doesn't<br />yet exist and how remarkable it is that we can do that. Discuss the<br />changes in their daily lives such new ideas can bring.<br />• Add yourself to the message when you speak. Use personal<br />examples as a surrogate for them:<br />"You know, I—like you—-sometimes fail at what I'm trying to do<br />and have to confront how to handle that . . . "<br />174 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />If you're the person in power, that dimension is exactly the one that<br />can draw you closer to your troops. Tell them what you do.<br />If you're a stranger, the personal dimension makes a great common<br />denominator with which to identify with your audience. Of course,<br />choose a common feeling or experience to personalize, not the one about<br />diving with Cousteau or falconry . . .<br />Dramatize<br />The best way to help people remember a concept is dramatization—<br />accent, color, suspense, pulse-quickening techniques that bring your<br />message alive. This moves an alien idea into a place where people will<br />want to follow and remember it. Now this sounds difficult to do with<br />factual business issues. Just think of how you can present your concept as<br />more of a story than a list.<br />Endings<br />Endings should be inevitable and satisfying, because they follow the<br />basic structure of life and nature. Not always happy, they are nevertheless<br />in order. A natural culmination. They should give the feeling that<br />this is what we set out for and now it's over.<br />The ending of your speech should feel like deliberate completion—<br />not just stopping because you ran out of things to say. Unlike lots of<br />current rock songs that don't deliberately end but just seem to dwindle<br />away, your ending should be purposeful and memorable. End actively,<br />with a flourish, or thoughtfully, with a whisper, but always with a flair.<br />Announce the Ending<br />Tell them that you're coming to the end. "In conclusion," "To wind<br />up," "So where have we been," "Well, we've come to the end . . . " They<br />will listen harder, not in relief (I hope) but because you're now going to<br />wrap up and put in order all they've heard and give them the bottom<br />lines of your message. That's very reassuring.<br />Last Lines<br />Try to make your last line or two truly eloquent. Meaningful,<br />touching, accurate, and wise. Move it one step beyond your practical<br />message to a deeper understanding of why you're saying this. Reach for<br />an ultimate concept, a basic need, a universal truth.<br />Presentations 175<br />Always memorize your last few lines so you don't have to look down<br />at your notes. This is the time to deliver straight to them: eye to eye,<br />person to person.<br />Use a parable, a fable, a quote, a saying, or something from<br />everyone's experience. Quotes from "my father", "grandmother", "favorite<br />teacher' are especially effective, adding basic folk wisdom to a<br />personal note and giving an image of you as a family member or a kid—<br />basically one of them. Try to leave them with a thought that will continue<br />to provide an echo after you stop.<br />Pace Your Leaving<br />Don't leave too hastily, bolting off the stage or looking around for the<br />exit. Standing still, with eye contact, lets the audience think about your<br />speech or last lines for a moment. It should feel like you're both thinking<br />it over, reluctant to part and break the mood. Then, fold your notes,<br />calmly, and walk away.<br />Now let's turn the spotlight on you, the speaker. The star of the<br />moment. What can you, personally, do to make yourself a more<br />interesting and memorable speaker? I can see the beads of perspiration<br />break out as I write, "The spotlight's on you." I hear that inner voice<br />within you say, "Now that's the real key! That's where we lose 'em!"<br />Guess we got to this topic just in time . . .<br />PERSONAL STYLE<br />Being Yourself<br />I started working with the CEO of a major corporation whose staff<br />called me in because of his poor communications skills.<br />Met in person he was charming—bright, warm, with an easy,<br />bantering manner. I couldn't see what the staff was talking about. Then<br />I asked him to re-deliver a speech to me that he'd given the previous<br />week. From Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde!<br />What I saw was an empty suit of clothes: a dry, serious, monotonevoiced<br />puppet going through the motions of making a speech. When I<br />replayed the videotape we made, his response was, "Look at him. He's<br />so boring and stiff! I can't stand him." What was going on? How did such<br />a "split personality" develop?<br />176 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />My CEO was trying to act "chairman-like." Subconsciously trying to<br />behave as his predecessors had, as corporate chiefs are "supposed" to<br />look and act. He had no faith that just being himself-—warm, pleasant,<br />witty—would generate the awe and respect a chairman should get.<br />I needed to give him permission to relax into himself; to explain what<br />audiences look for and that his innate personal style was not only enough<br />but actually the best and most impressive he could be, believable and<br />powerful.<br />Losing the pressure to "act like" a powerful executive, he emerged<br />as a genuinely delightful, charismatic speaker—accessible, knowledgeable,<br />decisive, and uniquely himself.<br />Natural Is Eloquent<br />Most people stand before others to make a speech thinking that now<br />they have to become something else. "Just me, just talking, as I usually<br />do" hardly seems the right mode for this occasion. After all, don't you get<br />all dressed up for your performance? Don't you spend lots of hours<br />planning, designing, rehashing, and practicing? How can you just come<br />in with your old-slippers type of homey daily communications skills and<br />think that's enough? Actually the secret is—it is!<br />Nothing works better than being yourself. You are at your most<br />comfortable because you're on your own solid, natural ground. You<br />sound totally genuine—not put on, phony, removed, formal, like you're<br />hiding yourself.<br />The real you is enough. What you need is to develop more skills to<br />enhance the real you, and to make you more comfortable, available, and<br />understandable to the public.<br />How You Feel Toward Your Audience<br />Most people see a great gulf between themselves and their audience<br />when they imagine them, plan for them, and finally stand and present<br />before them. Don't you think "They . . . Them" when you picture your<br />audience? This creates a problem. You're actually adding separation<br />between yourself and your audience beyond what the circumstances<br />naturally create.<br />They Are Individual Listeners<br />The truth is that when you speak, each person hears you separately.<br />So your style must be attuned to a much more intimate, less bombastic<br />Presentations 177<br />"reaching for the bleachers" approach. Since microphones, you don't<br />need to shout and make grand gestures any more. Smaller, more<br />confidential, and much more informal is the way to go, especially with<br />business speeches which can be so technical and detailed or hard-line<br />sales-oriented.<br />Think of yourself as having a conversation with only one or two<br />members, representatives of the audience, not the whole mass. It's much<br />more persuasive, believable, and easier to listen to. It puts you into a<br />much more relaxed frame of mind and therefore relaxes your audience<br />and your delivery. It wears better for a longer speech.<br />They're Only People, Like You<br />Seeing your audience in this light can help encourage you to be more<br />yourself and not quest for some acting image you think will make you<br />more acceptable. They want to be reassured that you're like them, and<br />that you understand them! Knowing this can get you over the hurdle of<br />fear and strangeness that any speech usually engenders. But talking<br />about fear, let's get right into the biggie—stage fright.<br />Stage Fright<br />What Is It<br />Stage fright is based on a myth. It's you measuring yourself against<br />some image of a perfect performance—a "10"—and developing levels of<br />anxiety based on how far short of that perfect "10" you can, and think you<br />will fall. You focus only on what others will think of your performance,<br />and as you do that, you lose sight of what you're actually there to do. Fear<br />takes over and you're into high- (or low-) level paralysis. You begin<br />worrying about what could happen: "I'll lose my place," "I won't find the<br />right words," "I'll be boring," "The boss (colleagues, clients) will think<br />it's dumb (incompetent, ill-conceived, dry, confusing) and that I am,<br />too."<br />Add, "I never could speak in public, " "My mother (father, teacher)<br />always said I mumbled," "I hate making a show of myself," and you've<br />got a full-fledged case of stage fright!<br />Why<br />It's too bad, but early imprinting has a lot to do with who feels<br />comfortable on stage and who'd rather die than . . . Those experiences—<br />and your never-to-be-forgotten adolescence.<br />178 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Ah yes! Who ever gets over the "nose—too long; hair—too stringy;<br />behind—too big; arms—too thin" litany that sang to us every time we<br />studied that mirror, mirror on the wall? How unacceptable we felt then<br />haunts us forever, at least in echo, and standing up to expose that<br />creature to public scrutiny still fills us with dread and anxiety.<br />It particularly wins the battle for your attention and your response as<br />you prepare to speak in public.<br />What to do?<br />The Cure<br />• Accept it<br />The best antidote is first to admit your stage fright and stop blaming<br />yourself for "being such an idiot." It's such a universal malady, you can<br />take comfort in the fact that most everyone's got it. So—accept it, for<br />now. "It's there. I feel terrible and scared. Right. That's okay."<br />• No "10"<br />Next, start to recognize and then continually remind yourself that<br />there is no perfect "10"! There can't be! In order for there to be one<br />perfect way to do this, it would have to be duplicatable the same way<br />every time. But you, or anyone, would still do it differently the next and<br />every other time.<br />You'd have to. The day, weather, time, news would be different;<br />what you ate would be different; the audience and their needs would be<br />different; what conflict you just had at home or at work would make you<br />be different; etc., etc. Also—you could give a "10" performance and<br />someone else could also give another, very different type of "10"<br />performance, and both would be very good and very effective. Who's to<br />say which is the "perfect" one?<br />So—you can't fail. You can only be more or less effective; more or<br />less comfortable with your material; more or less able to achieve your<br />goal.<br />• Focus on your job<br />Think about your audience and what you're trying to do for them!<br />What you want them to know and why. You don't matter as much as your<br />message. Get off the self and into the story!<br />Be open, honest, enthusiastic, committed to your task—and let them<br />see that. That's all your audience wants from you in terms of style. When<br />they see you comfortable, they get comfortable. Your tension broadcasts<br />itself to them and gets in the way of their hearing your message. Let go<br />Presentations 179<br />and go to work! And remember, like anything else, the more you do it,<br />the less uncomfortable it gets.<br />Getting Started<br />What's Involved<br />• Your adrenals<br />Those marvelous little glands that rise to any stress occasion are your<br />key friends here. They'll charge up, don't you worry! They do that<br />involuntarily, built to save your life when you need it. They'll send you<br />the extra physical energy you need—no problem.<br />• Your mind<br />That part of you needs to gear up for heavy-duty thinking. It has to<br />reach for the organization and sense of your message; to manufacture<br />words as you go; to listen and critique as you speak, choosing what to say<br />and what to delay or delete. It feels like it's blank at that moment because<br />of the stress, but reassure yourself, you did bring it along and it's stuffed<br />full of goodies, ready to produce.<br />• Your audience<br />Their energy and attention also has to get up to speed and you're the<br />one who has to do it. You need to get them past the "stranger in our<br />midst" moment, get them used to your speech tone, and rhythm, and<br />start tuning into your message. Of course your great opening will take<br />care of that. But they need one special thing from you to get started.<br />• Your self-confidence<br />Here's the key. You need to sit in your chair as a one-man cheering<br />squad. You need to program your inner voice to say, before you get up,<br />"You can do it. You're terrific. You really know your stuff and are fully<br />prepared. Your material is good. Your message is important. Go get 'em,<br />Tiger!"<br />Sounds artificial? Hokey?<br />Wrong!<br />I've already told you that the mind is like a computer. You program<br />it with negative messages—"I can't do this. I'm awful at this. The speech<br />is no good "—and it'll do your bidding. It's obedient, like any computer,<br />and has no other choices than what you put into it. Your command is its<br />only working system.<br />180 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Want to succeed? Program that computer that you can and will<br />succeed. That when you stand up, you expect to be good, effective,<br />competent, if not downright fantastic! That you are! That's what you'll<br />get back in terms of performance. Want to fail? Feed yourself negative<br />images, self-doubts, assumptions of disaster or failure.<br />It's a belief system, this business of self-confidence. Eliminate the<br />negative voices. Believe you're good and that you will be good. Then tell<br />your mind that—and only that—message and you will be terrific!<br />Energize Yourself<br />Some people find it helpful to take a number of deep breaths or<br />squeeze their clasped hands or the arms of their chair very tightly before<br />they get up to get themselves physically charged up. This thrusts them<br />into a higher energy level very quickly, and no one can see or notice it.<br />Take your choice. If you're a very physical person, used to heavy<br />exertion, you might like it.<br />Take Your Space<br />• Walk with assurance<br />Gather your papers, get up, and get moving briskly, with minimum<br />wasted motion, looking purposeful and energetic. The first step or two<br />may feel robot-like, but never mind. The idea is to tell your audience you<br />know what you're doing and can't wait to get there and do it (no matter<br />what the truth is).<br />If you want to change the mood from the previous speaker or what<br />has been happening, change your pace, quickening or slowing down<br />deliberately.<br />• Own your turf<br />How you "take the stage," how you carve out your turf and take<br />command of it, is very visible and very affecting to your audience.<br />Go to your spot on the stage or at the front of the room. Put your<br />notes down. Deliberately. Then take a beat to settle down. Like the<br />great pitchers on the mound before they deliver the ball, take a breath.<br />Not a big heaving sigh. Just an inaudible but galvanizing breath to focus<br />all your energy on one place. Then, pick up your head and look at them.<br />Your audience. Make eye contact with them. Wait a second to get their<br />total attention and silence. Think to yourself: "Listen, everybody. Settle<br />down. Got something interesting to tell you. Can't wait to do it. " Then,<br />and only then, begin . . .<br />Presentations 181<br />The Lectern or Podium<br />Close your eyes and imagine yourself sitting in any audience. On<br />stage there is a lectern and a speaker walking in with a sheaf of papers (a<br />large sheaf of papers). He clears his/her throat and begins. Groan—<br />you're bored already!<br />The stereotypical image of that device—the lectern—is so branded<br />in our minds as a symbol of lengthy, tedious droners that we have to deal<br />with it. Not only does it carry the negative images of preachers, teachers,<br />and righteous folk who have talked at us, it carries another image as well.<br />Standing behind a lectern visibly separates you from your audience.<br />It makes you look like you're hiding behind a shield, protecting yourself<br />from them, not as open and vulnerable to them as they are to you.<br />It makes you look different, chosen, unique—if you're attempting to<br />bond with your audience, that's not the right message. It also makes you<br />look rigid, formal, unfeeling—a difficult place from which to become<br />their leader, helpful teacher and guide.<br />If you're short, your audience may get an excellent view of your chin<br />or your bald spot as you peer over the top, but not of you.<br />One more issue: Standing behind a lectern makes you stand still.<br />This is not only a boring, immobile image, but it also paralyzes you and<br />lowers your own energy level.<br />By now you've probably guessed that I think standing behind a<br />lectern isn't such a great idea. Why does everyone do it?<br />1. It's a place to put your notes.<br />2. It's where the microphone is permanently installed.<br />3. Everybody does it.<br />Counterattack:<br />For #1: Put your notes there but come out from behind and stand to<br />the side of the podium. You can look over at your notes and still be free<br />and available.<br />For #2: Request, in advance, that they arrange a lavaliere or lapel<br />mike for you with a long cord, so you can move away from that arbitrary<br />prison and, most of all, be free to move your head in any direction.<br />For #3: Don't be a sheep and follow the flock. Think through what<br />effect that lectern has on your audience and what effect you want to<br />have, and then decide for yourself based strictly on the merits, not habit.<br />But know that I'll haunt you if you just automatically slide behind the<br />lectern and thereby bring upon you all the negative images I've just<br />described . . .<br />182 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />SPEAKING AND LANGUAGE SKILLS<br />Given all the other aspects of how you will communicate to your<br />audience, verbal presentation is still the major form by which you will<br />reach them and deliver your message. Which makes us turn now to your<br />choice of language: how you say what you say and what the right words<br />can do for you.<br />Making Language Clear<br />Language builds instant understanding if it is used well and if it uses<br />terms that are acceptable and comfortable for everyone. Once we know<br />a language, we expect its words to be clear. We depend on easy,<br />automatic processing and expect to understand. We don't expect to get<br />stuck. We get concerned, even angry, when we do.<br />If you have developed expertise in a given field, you must be very<br />careful about falling into a private shorthand form of talking, where only<br />peers understand you. The serious consequence of this is that you don t<br />have a portable language system any more and cannot use it for all<br />occasions, with all kinds of audiences.<br />It means clients will be left behind as you go on and on about your<br />specialty.<br />Lay audiences will become alienated and stare off into space.<br />It even means that among your co-workers you can unwittingly (or<br />maybe even wittingly) develop a kind of oneupsmanship that says, "I m<br />part of the club. Are you?"<br />Therefore, step one in making yourself understood is listen to<br />yourself! Question whether your words are supportive for this audience<br />and watch which ones you use. If you slip, always explain instantly, with<br />a little laugh about "Hanging around those computers too much, I'm<br />forgetting how to talk like a person."<br />Simplify<br />Think about the words you choose. Use familiar synonyms to explain.<br />Become sensitive to your own speech patterns. Edit your word choices.<br />Challenge yourself to find ways to explain what you know very well, even<br />instinctively, so others can get it. And be careful not to patronize as you<br />do it. We sometimes feel superior when we know something not<br />everyone knows. When you're out there trying to get others on your<br />Presentations 183<br />wavelength, that's the last thing you want to transmit. Stay humble and<br />enthusiastic about sharing what you know.<br />Analogies<br />These are one of the best devices for clarifying a complex or abstract<br />concept. Since they're usually a story or an example drawn from life, they<br />have instant appeal for any audience.<br />By turning away from a hard-nosed pragmatic approach to your<br />message and finding a basic story, fable, folk legend, quote from classical<br />literature, or example from current events that suits the basic principle<br />involved, you cause people to be persuaded on much more familiar<br />territory. It's reinforcing as well as amusing to listen to. Your audience<br />doesn't have to work too hard to tune right into your wavelength, unlike<br />the unfamiliar material you're asking them to stretch and reach for.<br />Analogies provide a change of pace and build in a sense of suspense.<br />The audience looks forward to the end when the point of your story<br />comes clear and they can see the connection with what you've been<br />saying. Analogies can underline a basic truth with a seemingly lighthearted<br />moment.<br />Using an example from daily life puts every member of the audience<br />directly into the story, as well humanizing you, the teller.<br />A word of caution: Think through your analogy to see how apt it is for<br />making an instant connection between your point and the point of the<br />story. Will everyone get the punch line? Does it really fit?<br />Use Words Visually<br />Use words that make images; that have feelings and shape and color<br />and description in them; that can provide sensory experiences. "The<br />bright shiny red exterior of the new unit, complete with chrome<br />trimmings and a very quiet purr, instead of the beat-up old clanking one<br />we've now got in the back corner of the office . . . " makes the unit come<br />alive visually and be real to everyone who's listening.<br />Learn to use graphically descriptive phrases to make your speech<br />more interesting and compelling. People love to relate to threedimensional<br />images rather than equations. Your challenge is to see your<br />work product and your subject that way, rather than only as a chart or a<br />graph.<br />184 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Emphasize<br />The most common ways are:<br />• Repetition of a word or phrase.<br />• Pacing—slow down or speed up to make people notice.<br />• Modulate your voice—hard, soft, more thoughtful or weighty.<br />• Create a catch phrase or a metaphor that you can use again and<br />again to refer to an act, a fact, or an object.<br />• Recap—summarize key points you've made in a quick review,<br />thus repeating them and singling them out for special notice.<br />• Alert your audience by saying, "This next part is especially<br />important," or, "That was especially . . . ," and repeat it.<br />The Use of Silence<br />The opposite of talking is knowing when to stop. Speakers often have<br />a problem with that. They're afraid that stopping might look like they<br />forgot or lost what to say next.<br />It's difficult to realize that as eloquent as well-chosen words are,<br />silence is equally, and often more, eloquent. Eloquent not because it<br />gives the audience a chance to stop and think but because it compels<br />them to do so.<br />When you're hot on the trail of delivering a message, the audience<br />is busy absorbing it, and you're both moving at quite a pace. It is<br />therefore invaluable for them to be given a pause in which to consider<br />what you have just said. Not only for relief from the one-way assault but<br />to be able to think on their own instead of running with you.<br />I'm not recommending that you sit down and wait. The silences are<br />momentary; that's all the brain needs to reflect and to catch up. But<br />they're very affecting.<br />When? Whenever you deliver an eloquent or important statement,<br />a challenging statement, a shocking statement. It's a signal that what you<br />just said was meaningful and noteworthy. Your silence says, "Think<br />about that for a moment, folks. That matters." It also creates a space<br />between what you just said and what comes next.<br />Whenever you put a rhetorical question, stop. Give them a moment<br />to answer in their minds. It gets their interest in the answer up.<br />Don't be afraid to use silence. Welcome it. It's a superb contrast tool.<br />Presentations 185<br />Well—that's it: Ideas to help you begin to develop personal style and<br />use words well. The rest will come with practice, some of which you<br />might do with a videotape recorder to see yourself as others see you.<br />After you get up off the floor, vowing to lose twenty pounds and have<br />your nose fixed at once, you can develop some good insights about how<br />you come across, what works and what doesn't, and what you'd like to<br />concentrate on.<br />A POSTSCRIPT<br />The Never-Make-a-Speech-Without-It Checklist<br />Now that you're the ultimate perfect speaker with the ultimate<br />perfect speech, there's only one set of obstacles. Here's what to do, in<br />advance, to be sure that you stay in control of the details as well as the<br />content of your speech giving:<br />Visit the room yourself, with this list in hand. If you can't, at least use<br />these guidelines in your discussion with the hosts to be sure you don't<br />leave anything to chance, and do write a follow-up note.<br />1. Microphone and acoustics<br />Request a lavaliere (around the neck) or lapel (clip-on) mike. Do not<br />get stuck with a standing or permanently fixed mike which makes your<br />head movements rigid as you strain to talk into one spot.<br />2. Stage<br />If you must be on a stage, choose where you'll stand. One side or the<br />other is more informal. Be sure you are on a raised platform in a large<br />room or the audience will have trouble focusing and concentrating on<br />you.<br />3. Lectern<br />Once you get free of its tyranny by requesting a movable mike,<br />attached to you, not to it, you can use it to rest your notes. I prefer to ask<br />for a 4-foot table (readily available in all hotels) to be placed on the stage.<br />I put my notes on it, lean against it, sometimes even sit on a corner of it.<br />It's a much more flexible, informal piece of furniture, allowing you more<br />leeway in moving around and relating to it and to your audience. A<br />corner of a desk or table in an office meeting room does the same thing.<br />186 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />You can also put a small, portable lectern on it, to get your notes closer<br />to you.<br />4. Lights<br />It's very important that where you stand be very well lit. More lit<br />than the surroundings. This helps focus audience attention on you.<br />People hear by watching your mouth and face. Be sure they can do that.<br />Be sure, if you're at a lectern, that there is a light there to help you<br />see!<br />Don't put the house lights out! Lights out, to our biological clock,<br />says, "Sleepy-Bye Time"! And—you can't see your audience, your<br />greatest energizer . . .<br />5. Shape of room layout<br />The most important thing to try for is that your audience doesn't get<br />too far away from you. Not in terms of space between you and the first<br />row, but between you and the last row. Therefore, request, in advance,<br />that your room be set up the wide way. The dais or platform should be<br />put on the long wall. Then the chairs set to face it aren't as deep and far<br />away from the stage.<br />Don't waste your best eye-contact space, the center, with an empty<br />aisle. Request two side aisles and a solid middle. Set chairs in a curved<br />shape, curving in to the platform at both sides. Better than straight across<br />lines—they're rigid and the ends have a hard time seeing. You can also<br />angle from the center to the sides, especially if you're setting up in<br />schoolroom style with tables to write on.<br />6. Visual aids requirements<br />The drawback of using slides or overhead projectors is how the<br />screen usurps center stage and becomes so dominant, even without<br />pictures. Therefore, carve out a side of the stage, very well lit, as home<br />base for you. Begin your speech there, then move to the screen or the<br />overhead projection table to continue. Remember: Don't turn out the<br />lights. Use rear-screen projection. You need your audience contact much<br />more than the ultimate perfect hard-edged picture.<br />7. Take back-ups<br />If a light bulb could ever burn out, it'll probably choose your<br />presentation to do it. If a take-up reel needs to be a certain size, that<br />projector probably won't have it. So—-bring your own: Your own<br />extension cord and remote-control button to be able to control your own<br />slides; your own extra bulbs for slide or overhead projector; your own<br />pointer; an extra copy of video or audio cassette: back-ups of your<br />Presentations 187<br />transparencies in case someone spills the coffee; and so on. Check<br />carefully on their easels. Those little flimsy ones and your big charts or<br />flip charts may not make a good marriage.<br />Ask for electronic equipment by name, model number, size, and<br />style to be sure you get exactly what you need.<br />8. Send a diagram<br />Send diagrams for the stage and room arrangement as well as your<br />visual aid requirements. Know what? Your hosts will be relieved and will<br />welcome that.<br />9. Be sure about time length<br />Find out what the considerations of time for your speech really are.<br />Speeches notoriously start late, and if yours is crammed full, you may<br />end up having to edit as you speak. Instead, find out what comes after<br />you and what the real restraints are. Build in an envelope or two of<br />possible drop-out sections in your speech just to protect yourself; it's best<br />to feel comfortable about when you actually have to stop.<br />10. Try it all out<br />Arrive early and test the equipment, including sound balance, lights,<br />electronic equipment, who'll help you carry out the charts, run the<br />projector, etc. Notice the heat or cooling system and if there's taped<br />music playing in the hall outside your door that you can ask to be turned<br />down.<br />All these details, well handled, make for a smooth, finished performance.<br />Breakdowns in, or inattention to, any of these areas greatly<br />diminishes all your hard work in preparation.<br />Okay. No more endings. This is the end of this chapter. On to the art<br />of answering questions effectively and persuasively.<br />8<br />THE ART OF BEING<br />QUESTIONED<br />The Audience or the Boss Vs. You<br />Picture yourself responding in the following scenes:<br />You're at home (aged 10). Your father walks in: "Why didn't you take<br />out the trash like I told you?"<br />You're in school (aged 8). Your teacher asks: "What is the answer to<br />that question?"<br />You're at your first job interview. The personnel director puts down<br />your resume : "Why should you get this job?"<br />A highway patrolman looks you in the eye: "How fast do you think<br />you were going?"<br />Your boss leans across the desk: "What do you think about this?"<br />A man-on-the-street reporter shoves a mike in your face: "Are you in<br />favor of. . . ?"<br />How did you feel as you read each one? Could you feel your tension<br />as you confronted having to answer well, correctly, right then and there?<br />Would the answers come easily—or would you fumble? Would you ever<br />consider not answering?<br />BASIC PRINCIPLES OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS<br />The Questioning Process<br />Of all the acts we perpetrate on each other, the most aggressive,<br />short of touching someone, is questioning them. The process exists in<br />every culture and it's always the same:<br />188<br />The Art of Being Questioned 189<br />Questioner: Asks his questions, his way, at the pace he wishes, in the<br />order he wishes, on the subjects he wishes, where and when he wishes.<br />Total power.<br />You: Submit and answer. No power.<br />We're trained to accept this process from our earliest days. People in<br />power have the right to ask and we meekly answer. People become<br />powerful by asking, and we powerless by answering.<br />In order to understand how to handle being questioned, we need to<br />learn about our conditioned responses when we are questioned.<br />Conditioning<br />I've done many demonstrations in the seminars I teach about how we<br />handle questioning. I walk into the audience, filled with high-level<br />executives, canny lawyers, whomever. Selecting one of these sharp,<br />sophisticated people, I stand over him/her and begin a barrage of<br />questions: "Who are you? What do you do? Do you like it? Are you good<br />at it? Are you married? Are you glad?" or, "You're not married? Why<br />not?' I continue with "Do you have children? Plan to have any more?<br />When?" or, "Why not?"<br />Sounds rude, aggressive, intrusive? Right. But you know what? They<br />all answer! Always! Every question! Every personal, impertinent question—<br />right there in front of their peers! They never ask why, or what do<br />I need to know for, or ever even say, "Get lost!"<br />We're conditioned to reply as soon as anyone asks, without even<br />thinking. Searching for the answer, we never think to question the<br />process or the questioner. If a person asks, we automatically endow him<br />with authority and answer. Our anxiety is heightened tenfold if the<br />question is asked publicly, but we do it anyway. How does this whole<br />phenomenon affect the way we answer questions?<br />How We Answer Questions<br />Origins<br />Remember the spotlight on you in a classroom while the teacher<br />waited for an answer? Everyone cringing in his/her seat thinking, "Thank<br />God it isn't me!" The biggest challenge facing you was—what? Will your<br />answer be right or wrong? And that's still the number-one issue that<br />shapes how we answer.<br />190 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />What else were you thinking about back then? Didn't you worry<br />about someone topping you with the right answer if yours was wrong?<br />Didn't you think about what everyone thought of you? How they judged<br />you? Where you fit in the group?<br />Those early school years, that public test, are the source of what we<br />still worry about most as were questioned, privately or publicly.<br />Although they were years in which we felt most powerless and inadequate<br />in our lives, the concerns of group evaluation and someone's<br />scrutiny remain in our grown-up lives.<br />What Concerns Us<br />Here's what we still worry about as grownups whenever we answer<br />questions. You'll find aspects of yourselves and of Achievers, Affiliators,<br />and Influencers in these responses:<br />• Right vs. wrong and the possible humiliation and defeat we'll feel.<br />Our culture likes winners.<br />• Group competition: "I hope no one else knows it either, or better<br />than I do." Whether before a group or one-on-one, that sense of<br />competing for status, admiration, approval against our peers remains.<br />• Wanting acceptance: We try to anticipate what kind of answer will<br />be most acceptable to the questioner and the group.<br />• What do you really want to know? We try to read the questioner to<br />discover what kind of answer is expected or wanted, and only give that,<br />rather than what we really think.<br />• Privacy: The caution this concern brings makes us edit and censor<br />automatically as we worry about what you can find out about me if I'm<br />not careful.<br />• Consequences: "What could the fallout from my answer be?"<br />"What could you, would you, do with my answer?" Therefore, how much<br />or how little or exactly what should I tell you?<br />• Visibility: Any spotlight shining on us makes most people feel<br />basically uncomfortable and unnerved, especially since questioning is a<br />test, not just a chat.<br />• Comparison: Fitting in with the group, wanting to say something<br />like what others would say, not falling short of the norm—these are<br />deeply rooted needs in us and will alter what we say and how.<br />The Art of Being Questioned 191<br />• Performance: For many of us, our anxiety about our own eloquence,<br />fluency, ability to formulate and articulate what we mean on the spot<br />chokes us up.<br />Hardly the picture of comfort and confidence, is it? And it's true for<br />us whether it's a public questioning situation or we're being privately<br />questioned by anyone in authority.<br />So now we have the foundation for this chapter—our intrinsic,<br />conditioned response to questioning and how it affects what we do and<br />say in such situations.<br />Our work will be to understand ourselves and the forces that push us<br />well enough to be able to counter that negativity. To figure out how to<br />handle being questioned, a seemingly powerless and anxiety-producing<br />aspect of our working lives. Then, to find out how to feel free enough to<br />let the mind work on what needs to be said, selecting what you want to<br />say, and giving yourself time enough to choose how to say it. We'll also<br />learn how to handle various types of questioners.<br />THE AUDIENCE VS. YOU: ANSWERING AUDIENCE<br />QUESTIONS<br />Why Answer Questions?<br />Why indeed? Why set yourself up for a public grilling? Is it really<br />useful? For whom?<br />For you! Inviting questions actually solves many problems of omission<br />and commission in your presentations. Answering questions well<br />helps you stay in control of what people think you mean or have said.<br />Here are some benefits you gain from the question/answer period:<br />Clarifies<br />If your basic intention in making a presentation to a group is to<br />explain something you know a lot about, to inform and enlighten,<br />shouldn't you find out whether they got it?<br />Although you may think you put everything in clearly and thoroughly<br />when you prepared your speech, letting people ask you questions at the<br />end shows you what they didn't get. It lets you fill in the gaps of what's<br />still confusing or unfinished in their minds. Wouldn't you rather have a<br />192 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />chance to explain again and actually accomplish your goal than let them<br />leave unconvinced and misunderstanding you?<br />A Chance to Add<br />You can only talk for so long before you begin to lose your audience.<br />Questions become a great springboard for you to continue to give your<br />speech in a more interesting and dynamic way. Asking questions and<br />your answering them makes the audience feel more connected and<br />involved in what you say. Rhythmically and dynamically a Ping-Pong<br />match served by various players is more interesting than a one-way<br />speech.<br />Ensures Relevance<br />You may have talked in abstract or general terms in order to set the<br />scene or give the big picture. Questions from this specific audience tune<br />you into their specific concerns. This makes your subject directly<br />relevant to them. No guessing—they'll ask you what they need to know.<br />Empowers the Audience<br />By giving the audience permission to question you, you tell them it's<br />their turn to hold the stage now. To take back some of the power they<br />gave you when you received their attention.<br />Shows Your Power<br />Only a very secure person, in total control of the facts and the larger<br />ramifications of his/her topic, would subject himself to being questioned<br />indiscriminately, not knowing what the audience will ask. Your obvious<br />comfort and "Go ahead, ask me anything" attitude are powerful messages.<br />Uncovers Disagreement<br />True, some of you may not want to do this, especially not publicly.<br />However, not hearing disagreement doesn't mean it isn't there or that it<br />will go away. It's better to unearth the pockets of discontent and find<br />truly constructive, non-damaging ways to handle them rather than to<br />adopt the ostrich approach. The positive end results are that you can<br />usually dispel problems; you can find out what they are so you can work<br />on them. Last but not least, you'll come away with a medal for bravery<br />The Art of Being Questioned 193<br />and strength as well as much more credibility than you went in with.<br />So step one on the road to feeling comfortable and becoming<br />competent answering audience questions is to get convinced; to know<br />what's good about answering them.<br />Step two is learning how to prepare for it.<br />Preparation for Q & A<br />Going into a Q&A session without a background of what they'll<br />probably ask about, why people ask, and how we usually feel about this<br />exchange is like walking into the lion's den without a chair. Here's how<br />to prepare:<br />Understand Your Audience<br />• Who are they?<br />The same research you did in preparing for your speech needs to be<br />reviewed as you prepare for the question-and-answer period: Who's<br />there; why they're there; what they expect to hear; what they already<br />know; how your topic fits in their lives; as well as something of the basic<br />demographics. This tells you about your audience's basic needs, interests,<br />and concerns, and becomes the bedrock of predicting what they'll<br />ask about.<br />• What to expect<br />What additional issues and anxieties does your speech bring up for<br />them? Is your presentation threatening to the status quo? Does what you<br />said make them rethink a common belief?<br />Analyze where the hostility or rejection could come from: Are there<br />pockets of resistance represented in your audience?<br />What about your peers? Who's competitive with you and needs to<br />show off before the group by sticking you with a tough question?<br />Is this a disparate group who could be asking you questions on<br />different levels about different aspects?<br />Still another issue is will they ask questions? Anticipating that you<br />might have to live through that agonizing silence after the "Any<br />questions" invitation will help you either plant a couple to get the ball<br />rolling or prepare a humorous comment that breaks the ice and gets it<br />started (something I'll illustrate in a moment).<br />The important message here is to anticipate: to imagine and think<br />through your question-and-answer period in advance so there are few<br />surprises.<br />194 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Understand Who Asks Questions<br />• Some people really are confused and want to know.<br />• Some people will feel competitive with anyone in the spotlight;<br />they're interested in the by-product, not the product.<br />• Some people are classic opposers, needing to find fault with<br />anything new, or not their idea.<br />• Some people have a tenacious, thorough way of thinking and will<br />pursue a point relentlessly.<br />• Some people came to disagree and make a public statement of<br />their own.<br />Identifying why they're asking as you hear their questions helps you<br />fit your answer to what the byplay is really about.<br />Understand Your Adversaries<br />Next—you need to prepare for disagreement. Know that as impassioned<br />as you are about your topic, there are others who feel just as<br />keenly that you're dead wrong and that their way is the way. The key<br />here is to expect this and to see those people not as thorns in your side<br />but from their point of view. Spend a moment thinking why they would<br />feel as they do. Imagine believing in something that strongly. Don't you?<br />You need to understand what your adversary's goals and inner needs<br />are (the ole Fore-Thought Chart again) in order to defuse him/her.<br />(There'll be more on this in Handling Hostility in the next section.)<br />Understand Your Feelings<br />To develop good skills for fielding questions extemporaneously, you<br />need to first find out how you truly feel about doing it. Let's look at the<br />most common feelings I've discovered in my private consulting work:<br />• Loss of control<br />Having just been in total control of your subject, the subject will now<br />be determined by the questioner. The style of presentation will be sent<br />by him/her; the spotlight now shines on the questioner, who can then<br />shine a possibly harsh and unflattering light on you. You will be forced<br />to cede your sense of power. Or so it seems . . .<br />A major problem in answering questions is feeling put upon and<br />powerless. This erodes your ability to think (how can you if you think you<br />The Art of Being Questioned 195<br />have no power?). It puts you in the position of looking for approval<br />instead of giving it.<br />Response: The fact is you have enormous power. It's your material.<br />You own it. You are still totally in charge of what you'll tell, how much<br />you'll tell, how you'll tell it. Even more than that, you have the power to<br />ask questions back—not just to receive them! You can deflect, reroute,<br />add on, analyze, and challenge.<br />So, recognize that the first obstacle to answering questions well is<br />your feeling that you lost your power and that you think your audience<br />now has it. And that's not true!<br />• Nervous<br />You feel anxious about whether or not you can do it well, and most<br />of all, whether you'll get trapped into saying something you don't mean<br />or would rather not say. We all worry about public extemporizing and its<br />consequences (shades of those early school years again). We all worry<br />about performance and have great expectations of ourselves—wanting<br />perfection.<br />Perhaps most of all your nervousness deals with not having time<br />enough to think up a good answer, and a carefully edited one, without<br />looking like you're stalling or can't think of anything to say, and still<br />sounding articulate.<br />Response: Remember there is no perfect way to do this. This<br />question/answer period never existed before. You, your speech, your<br />audience, the time and place it's happening, all never came together<br />before. Therefore you're writing on a clean slate.<br />Think to yourself: "I will do this my way and that's the right, best,<br />and only way to answer these questions this time. I'm talking about my<br />material. I'm prepared. They'll ask me about what they've just heard,<br />which I told them. I can handle whatever comes."<br />• Exploited<br />Since you have declared open season on yourself, you can begin to<br />feel put upon. You're up there as a target and they can shoot at you. This<br />is a dangerous feeling because you then begin to see the questioners as<br />taking something from you rather than asking benignly for positive<br />reasons. This can make you testy and hostile.<br />Response: Although they ask, they do so at your invitation. You're<br />giving a gift. See yourself as Santa Claus—sharing yourself with this one,<br />giving an extra tidbit of information to that one. See each momentary<br />relationship as personal and intimate. The action is from you to them.<br />196 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />They are only petitioners, asking for your gift. You'll decide what and<br />how much to give.<br />• Exhilarated<br />Not all your feelings are negative. If you're a fighter, a competitor,<br />or a performer who likes public performance, answering questions<br />extemporaneously feels exciting, like a contest. That's great, in a way,<br />because it will provide you with the adrenal surge to rise to the occasion<br />and do a good job. The danger here is seeing it as a personal win/lose<br />contest. This makes it very difficult to listen and think. It shuts down<br />your ability to make choices since you've drawn battle lines—and about<br />something other than enlightenment or resolving disputes.<br />Response: See the process as benign, not competitive. They're not<br />your adversaries. They don't know as much about your subject, and want<br />more, or they know your subject but not from your unique point of view,<br />and need to know more. So you don't need to compete or fight with<br />them. You've already won, by owning the material. Now you're in the<br />position of helping them climb aboard.<br />ANSWERING TECHNIQUES<br />Getting Started<br />Create an Environment<br />If you truly mean to invite your audience to ask questions, you have<br />to let them know you really mean for them to do it. A perfunctory "Any<br />questions?" doesn't inspire your audience to make the effort. People are<br />generally shy and need encouragement in order to expose themselves or<br />even to move. Try this:<br />"Although I think I told you everything I could within the time<br />allowed, there are probably some things I left out. Maybe something I<br />described was not clear. I really want you to understand my subject, so<br />please ask me whatever else you need or want to know."<br />This gets people moving because you gave them a reason to ask and<br />showed them that you genuinely want a chance to clarify. Here's another<br />approach.<br />"Much of what I said is very complex, technical, and new. Having<br />The Art of Being Questioned 197<br />just given you one glancing blow, I'm sure there are many things still not<br />clear. I welcome your asking me anything."<br />This says, "I won't be insulted that you didn't get it or think you're<br />dumb for not getting it. " Another one:<br />"Well, you've been such an attentive audience and I've talked<br />non-stop for quite a while. I should calm down now, change the pace,<br />and let it be your turn to ask me questions."<br />There's a nice, warm, human touch in this one that says you know<br />how they feel and that you empower them by inviting them to join you<br />in a group endeavor.<br />Do It Yourself<br />I don't think it's very encouraging or stimulating to an audience to<br />have the moderator or chairperson suddenly appear and ask for questions.<br />It's intrusive and looks like an audience test. Tell him/her you're<br />much more comfortable doing it yourself. He/she can stand there to help<br />pick out who's got questions or to call them by name, if you wish, but you<br />do the introduction to the Q&A period yourself. It's an important<br />moment for establishing rapport and developing an encouraging environment<br />for questioning.<br />What If No One Asks?<br />Gulp! That dreadful moment while you stand there with an expectant<br />smile and no one raises a hand. Makes you feel like your speech was a<br />dud, that they're too bored or confused to ask. How to handle it? Humor!<br />From my own experience, having used it many times myself, I ask<br />my clients to say:<br />"You know what's happening now? A classic thing all audiences do.<br />It takes about forty-five seconds to a minute" (this makes them feel good;<br />it says they're not unusually dumb or slow). "You've probably got a<br />question in mind and you're testing it, thinking, 'I don't know if that's<br />such a terrific question. Not sure it sounds very smart. Maybe I'll wait till<br />someone else asks one first to see what that's like.' So you're all sitting<br />there, waiting for someone else to start, right? Then you'll chime right<br />in!"<br />Result? Big laugh and four hands are raised.<br />You can also try:<br />"Okay. I see everyone's gotten the old Army word about never<br />volunteering!"<br />The key is to confront what's happening, not just stand there smiling<br />198 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />blankly or asking again or just waiting. Don't badger or cajole. Laughing<br />with it shows your strength.<br />Why People Don't Ask<br />Understanding how people feel and why they're reluctant to ask will<br />help you know what to say to them:<br />• "Mine may not be a good question."<br />• "Why stick my neck out in a crowd—especially this crowd with<br />many of my peers and bosses in it?"<br />• "I may not be able to articulate my question well."<br />• "I'd like to ask but I feel a little shy about confronting someone,<br />especially an expert."<br />• "My question may not interest too many other people. Better<br />not ask it in public."<br />It's also useful to tell them at the beginning to think of questions or<br />write them down as you go along so you can respond at the end. Giving<br />an assignment in advance gives them time to think about a good question<br />and to formulate it well in their own minds.<br />How to Get Off If No One Asks<br />If no one asks, even after all my suggestions, save face and bow out<br />gracefully. Don't let the momentum of your good speech die:<br />"Well, I guess I'm a much better speaker than I thought! I must have<br />explained my subject so well that you got it all! Thank you so much for<br />letting me tell you about it"—and get off, with a smile and a flourish.<br />(Crying and throwing up later.)<br />Handling Questions<br />Listen!<br />Easy to say, hard to do. Because of the melange of all those<br />apprehensive feelings (described earlier) that you probably have, it's<br />very difficult to squash your anxious inner voices and listen to someone<br />else's. To truly listen, not just imagine where they're going and sail off on<br />an answer, you need to:<br />The Art of Being Questioned 199<br />• Discipline yourself to listen till the end; to take in all of what the<br />question's about.<br />• Ask yourself where the question is leading so you'll follow it<br />closely.<br />• Analyze what he/she really wants to know.<br />• Notice how the question is asked: Hostile? Insecure?<br />This will help you formulate an appropriate answer. (For more on<br />listening skills, see that section in Chapter 9 on Meetings.)<br />Clarify Questions<br />People often ask questions poorly: two or three points at once or a<br />rambling statement that never becomes a question. Don't just try to<br />answer part of a question, the part you understand or heard last. Make<br />the questioner clarify it. To make your answer truly responsive, ask!<br />Maybe something like:<br />"Boy, there's a lot to your question! Let me be sure I got it all. Did<br />you mean. . . ?" or, "I want to respond to what you're asking, so let me<br />be sure I'm on the right track . . . "<br />Be careful not to sound critical when you clarify, as though it was a<br />lousy question, poorly asked, like: "Well, exactly what is your question?"<br />Instead, take the blame on yourself:<br />"I was thinking about an answer so hard that I think I missed some<br />of your question. Let me just recap to be sure . . . " Then rephrase it and<br />ask if that's it.<br />Compliment the Asker<br />Nothing feels better than that old saw—"That's a really good<br />question"—when it's said by the august speaker to little old me in front<br />of the team. No, it's not corny. It's nice to be acknowledged and affirmed<br />for having stuck one's neck out. It also shows others that you, the<br />answerer, are really relishing this whole experience. Furthermore, it<br />encourages others to get in the game, too.<br />Treat Everyone Respectfully<br />Remember: Audience members have much more in common with<br />each other than they do with you. They subconsciously bond with each<br />other. They notice how you treat each member, feeling him/her a<br />surrogate for the group.<br />200 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Relax Your Style<br />Be warm, curious, direct, open, informal. Remember, answering<br />questions is chatty and conversational. It's not lecture time. Your guard<br />should be down, at least externally, and you should sound like you're<br />sitting down having a cup of coffee with the people you're talking to. It's<br />really a rather intimate exchange. Your mental set should be that, for the<br />moment, you're one of them.<br />Avoid Debates<br />How often have you seen it or gotten sucked into it yourself: the<br />derailment of the question-and-answer period into a one-on-one exchange<br />about an ever-narrowing subject? This bores your audience in<br />about two minutes and stops the good flow between you and everyone<br />else. The problem is how to cut a debate off without sounding like you're<br />running away or being rude. Try this:<br />"You know, this is a great subject, and I know we both have more to<br />say on it. Let's meet after the program to continue it," or:<br />"Listen, you've got me on the horns of a dilemma. I'd like to keep<br />talking about this but there are lots of other eager questioners who want<br />to get the floor. Please see me after the program." Still another way:<br />"That's a really complex technical point. Let me send you X's article<br />(or whatever) on that. Please give me your address after the program."<br />Speak personally and informally, being sure to save face for the nerd<br />who keeps badgering you. This makes you come off as a thoughtful<br />person, sensitive as well as knowledgeable. They know he's a nerd . . .<br />What If You Don't Know<br />Say it! Tell the truth. Nothing else ever really washes. You're a much<br />bigger hero for admitting fallibility than bluffing and transparently<br />letting us know (and we will know) that you're too shaky or embarrassed<br />to tell the truth; that you'd rather lie and fool us than give us the straight<br />dope. What this does is to make us suspect everything else you've told<br />us to date. So—how to say it?<br />"I wish I could rattle off that answer for you, but I can't. I'd need to<br />go back and look at some data" (or, "I don't really know that but I could<br />probably find out"). "If you want to know, call me at my office (or, "I'll<br />send you a note on it"), etc. "<br />Sound bad? Dumb? Unprepared? Surely not. It sounds honest and<br />sensible about how much detail anyone carries around with them. It<br />The Art of Being Questioned 201<br />shows you don't know the answer but know how to get it, and that you're<br />willing to give it to him/her in a more appropriate manner. It shows you<br />care about being accurate, not glib.<br />Now let's turn to the bumpy part—when things aren't going well,<br />when you hit snags and difficult people and tough questions, getting that<br />ambushed or "I'm not in control" feeling.<br />Handling Difficult Questions and Questioners<br />Taking Back the Power<br />Because of our conditioned "I am powerless; ask away" mental set,<br />we allow too much during question-and-answer sessions. Just keep<br />reminding yourself that you have total power over your answers. Not<br />over the questions, but over the answers.<br />• The information is yours<br />Before you speak, think: "The information is mine. Only I know it this<br />way. No one can forcibly extract it from me. It's my gift to give, and I alone<br />will decide what to give, how much of it to give, and also how to give it."<br />This will make you know what a powerful position you're really in.<br />• You don't have to tell all<br />You may choose what you say and delete and edit as you go. Since no<br />one can read your mind (not yet, anyway), you can choose what to tell.<br />• Respond only to what's asked<br />Stay on target. Make your answers short, succinct, and most of all, to<br />the point! Don't tell them all you know, just tell them what they asked<br />for. It's not only safer; it's less boring. If they want more, they'll ask a<br />follow-up question, which is a good idea because it makes for a dialogue,<br />not a monologue—the proper format for the question-and-answer period.<br />It also gives you more time to think.<br />Buying Time<br />Probably the most difficult aspect of answering questions is that at<br />the end of the question everyone expects an instant answer. Some of us<br />have great extemporizing abilities and the mind-to-mouth route works<br />really well. Lots of people don't, and further, don't want to blurt out any<br />202 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />old answer without a chance to think. This is especially true when the<br />question is a tough one, possibly damaging or difficult to answer.<br />To solve this, let's first discover a hidden ability most of us don't use<br />very much.<br />Trust Your Instincts<br />Your brain works at lightning speed. We just don't recognize that<br />because we interfere with its natural processes all the time. We rethink<br />and second-guess and don't dare trust our instincts or first impressions.<br />The fact is, you're quite capable of coming up with an immediate answer.<br />The difficulty arises with your expectations. You think that you need to<br />be able to formulate and know your total answer in advance! Wrong.<br />The first way to buy time is to trust your instincts. Learn to start<br />answering the question. Don't look for your ending yet. You'll hear<br />yourself as you go and can decide along the way. Your mind doesn't only<br />work in advance. It works while you're talking.<br />Pick the Question Apart<br />Asking more about what the questioner really means not only gives<br />you time to think of an answer, it actually highlights what to answer.<br />"Did you mean X or Y?" "There are two parts to your question.<br />Which shall I answer first?" Even, "Would you repeat the question"<br />gives you time to think and figure out what they're asking.<br />Comment on the Question<br />Commenting before you answer is another way to delay, buy some<br />time, and think:<br />• You can make a comment about the question itself: "Good,"<br />"Tough," "Interesting," "Never thought of that before."<br />• You can comment on the process: "I guess I hit a nerve. You sure<br />have a barrage of questions!"<br />• You can comment on how it's asked: "You were surely listening!"<br />or, "You're very concerned about this, aren't you?"<br />All of these little prologues buy you time, giving you a moment to<br />collect yourself. Further, they give you back your sense of power and<br />balance if the question is a tough one. And they all sound very<br />responsive, not like you're stalling.<br />The Art of Being Questioned 203<br />Change the Rhythm<br />Don't automatically respond. Stop the action if it's going too fast. It's<br />in your power to handle not only how but when to respond. Slow down.<br />"Let me take a moment to think about that."<br />Avoiding the Question<br />The tactic suggested for "What if you don't know?", above, works<br />equally well here. Any of those responses about answering later will give<br />you time to go back and check; to formulate a carefully worded and<br />thought-out answer, or to check with the powers that be about what the<br />company policy is. Humor works very well here, too:<br />"I knew someone would ask the one thing I don't know the answer<br />to offhand!" It's also very acceptable to say:<br />"I'm not at liberty to discuss that right now. We're working on it," or,<br />"No public comments on that. We sure don't want our competitors to<br />know the answer!"<br />Turning Questions Around<br />Sometimes a question has something in it you'd rather avoid. You<br />need to make a stab at answering it, but then you should take the<br />question off to another realm.<br />Make It Bigger<br />"Actually, this affects the whole industry, not just our shop . . . "<br />works well. Enlarging the perspective lets you share knowledge about<br />how others are also struggling with the problem. It dilutes problems by<br />making them not so unique or awesome.<br />Focus It Much Tighter<br />Similarly, go down to a much smaller example and get specific<br />instead of trying to stay with an abstract, all-encompassing view.<br />"Look, I can't speak for all of it and where it's going, yet. I can only<br />speak about the work we've done and what we've found so far."<br />Seize the Opportunity<br />"I'm glad you asked that. It gives me an opportunity to straighten<br />that o u t . . . " or, "I have heard that," or, "You may have read about that.<br />Here's the way it really is."<br />204 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Then go into your explanation instead of staying on someone else's<br />track. Speak only of the points you want to mention, actively taking the<br />conversation to another plane without sounding defensive.<br />Give the Context<br />Often questions are asked based on a false premise or insufficient<br />data.<br />"In order to answer that, I need to give you some background (or<br />additional information) so we're all on the same wavelength."<br />Then fill in the gaps, setting the proper context, etc., and turning the<br />question into a platform. You will sound responsive and informative, yet<br />you'll go where you wanted to go.<br />Cutting People Off<br />Always tricky, the obvious caution is not to look rude or like you're<br />trying to escape. Be very careful to apologize as you interrupt: "I'm really<br />sorry but," "This is very difficult," "Forgive me for interrupting . . . "<br />Time or Group Constraints<br />"I'm sorry, but others are champing at the bit. I'm going to have to<br />ask you to tighten your question." Blaming it on an objective outside<br />source saves face for everyone, something you must be keenly aware of.<br />Ask for Their Help<br />"Look, I need your help. I have a real problem. I need to be fair and<br />democratic and not look like a bad guy, but I also have to move on to<br />someone else. Please forgive me." After such an exchange, ask everyone:<br />"Listen, folks, I know it's hard when you get wound up" (saving face for<br />all), "but could you all try to focus your questions tightly and be really<br />succinct so I'll have time to answer everyone?"<br />Getting the Audience on Your Side<br />A tricky play, but necessary when things aren't going well and<br />someone has just attacked or asked a stickler of a question. The idea is to<br />come through as human, vulnerable, trying to do a good job.<br />Be Real<br />After a tough exchange, the best thing to do is to comment on what<br />just happened. Humor is the very best antidote: "Well, you didn't know<br />The Art of Being Questioned 205<br />that you came to a boxing match, did you?" or, "Is there a doctor in the<br />house?"<br />Don't Pretend It Didn't Happen<br />The worst and weakest way to handle such an exposure is to avoid it.<br />Even looking at the audience with a wry smile and saying "No comment"<br />is a powerful move.<br />Have the Last Word<br />That's the goodie you get for doing a Q&A session! You alone can say<br />one last thing before you move on. Again, the light touch is the way to<br />go. It shows you're unscathed and strong enough to have a broad<br />perspective (unlike your questioner). Something like, "Well, let's just<br />remember my original point so we can go on . . . " and then tell it again.<br />HANDLING HOSTILITY<br />Of all the aspects of Q&A sessions, this is the most scary and<br />uncomfortable.<br />Let's begin by understanding the dynamics of why people get<br />hostile, lose tempers, lash out, and attack in a group situation. This is one<br />of the best ways to reduce your reaction and sets the stage for handling<br />hostility constructively.<br />Why People Get Hostile<br />Passion<br />We can and do get worked up over issues and some people have less<br />self-control than others. Those who are guided by gut reactions more<br />than logic, whose families were given to more volatile responses, are<br />most prone to this.<br />Fear and Threat<br />Your subject may raise specters in others of being asked to do or<br />accept more than someone can deliver or understand. Thinking, "My life<br />206 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />or work will change because of this message. Maybe I can't handle it,"<br />causes some real agitation and attendant loss of control.<br />Self-Protection<br />Attacking the messenger is an ancient problem. In an effort to focus<br />on "Whose idea is this, anyway?" and "Why should I change?" belligerence<br />and a need to blame someone follow fear and threat.<br />Defensiveness<br />People sometimes start out calmly enough to discuss something they<br />disagree with, but then lose their cool when they feel outclassed by logic<br />and hard facts, and become defensive, then aggressive. Hostility covers<br />embarrassment.<br />Lack of Information<br />Sometimes people build entrenched positions based on bias or one<br />point of view. They can cleave most passionately to this, especially as<br />part of a group. Not having information about the other point of view or<br />the people who have it causes hostility when they're confronted with it.<br />You also draw hostility by simply representing the hated other side.<br />Sense of Impotence<br />Feeling unable to halt or change something with its resultant sense<br />of loss of control can have the effect of despair for some and real rage in<br />others.<br />Resentment of Opposition Figures<br />Images of someone with more power, influence, money, status, or<br />information can cause resentment and jealousy to the point of hostility<br />and anger.<br />Isolation<br />Feeling like a non-believer, alone in a group, can cause some people<br />to strike out against that condition, although they sound like they're<br />railing about an issue. We all need a sense of constituency or identification<br />in a group. Being the only one who feels differently sometimes<br />causes overreaction and anger.<br />The Art of Being Questioned 207<br />Techniques for Handling Hostility<br />It's hard to fight our natures and stay calm and rational when<br />someone is insulting or baiting or attacking us in public. Yet, in order to<br />turn such an exchange around to our advantage and come out a clear<br />winner, that process—remaining calm and rational—is the main exercise.<br />The big goals in confronting hostility and resolving it are, first, to find<br />ways to hear what the hostility is about, and second, to add new light,<br />new information, or an alternative point of view to show how both sides<br />can resolve the disagreement.<br />But perhaps the biggest goal is to save face in front of your audience;<br />to show them that you can stay in control of your feelings and your facts,<br />and to continue to convince them, even if you're verbally assaulted.<br />Take a Breath<br />When tempers flare or icy comments slice through the air, our<br />typical next step is to put up our dukes and fight back. This is not useful<br />and surely not recommended as your best response in public. And—you<br />actually have the time and room to decide on a course of action . . .<br />Your opponent is already hostile; you're not. So you're at a much<br />lower level of emotion than he/she is. Therefore the first step in handling<br />hostility is to buy some time so you can calm down and think. I suggest<br />you literally "take a breath." Not one of those giant heaving sighs, visible<br />in the back row, but a slow internal breath that gives you a sense of<br />slowing down, not speeding up, the blood pressure.<br />Identify the Hostility<br />Suppose your pants dropped around your ankles while delivering a<br />speech. What would you do? Try shuffling off the stage with a smile,<br />pretending they're not down around your ankles? Or would you bend<br />down, pick them up, and comment on how the audience is "getting to<br />know more about you than just your subject matter"?<br />Choice 1 means you think they're sightless, totally without feelings,<br />or quite accustomed to people losing their pants. Choice 2 says, "You and<br />I both know what happened and how it feels. Instead of trying to hide,<br />what can I do now to put us both at ease?"<br />The biggest mistake people make when trying to handle a hostile<br />questioner is to pretend it's not happening. This makes the audience<br />more uncomfortable! They can see what just happened. We're all quick<br />208 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />to identify conflict. They're concerned about what you'll do next. Going<br />blithely on makes you seem either too weak to handle it or too dumb to<br />have noticed it. Or that you think the audience is too dumb to see it.<br />When someone is hostile or angry, you have to deal with it publicly.<br />Allow the Anger<br />• The anatomy of anger<br />We all handle anger in two basic ways: We either fly off the handle<br />and vent spleen, shouting, etc., way out of control. (Let's call him Type<br />A.) Or we become extremely cool and deliberate, obnoxiously slow,<br />lethally rational, and insufferably superior. (Let's call her Type B.) Taken<br />from anybody's home notebook, this difference results in the following<br />typical exchange and response:<br />Type A (flailing arms wildly, screaming): "*X#!X*! You always do<br />that and I hate it and . . . "<br />Type B (slowly, deliberately, in an icy, low voice): "Look at you! How<br />can I possibly discuss this with you when you're so irrational and out of<br />control? Now, when you can calm down, I'll be glad to talk about it. . ."<br />Result? Aaagh! The argument escalates as Type A reaches new<br />heights of fury and rage! Why? Because Type A is out of control and<br />knows it! If he could calm down and choose another means of behavior,<br />don't you think he would? Irrational rage is an involuntary response and<br />secretly embarrassing to the rager. But for Type B to point it out, at the<br />same time rubbing it in by becoming even more superiorly calm, is<br />enough to make Type A blow a gasket!<br />• What to do<br />Allow the Type As to be angry, their way! No judgment on anyone's<br />part. One way isn't better than the other; it just is! It's how people are<br />put together.<br />To allow the Type A in your audience to be angry and to still turn this<br />around rationally, name the anger or hostility. Describe it, in a flat,<br />factual, but sympathetic (not patronizing) way:<br />"I see you're very concerned (passionate, upset, feel very deeply)<br />about this issue," or, "I see you're very committed to a point of view<br />about this."<br />This provides an instant antidote. The person railing has been given<br />a way out. "Yes, I am, " is his response. You've actually implied, "It's<br />okay. I understand that you're mad," by your behavior. You've taken him<br />out of the realm of feeling defensive about the fact of his anger or hostility<br />The Art of Being Questioned 209<br />and into the beginnings of talking about what he's angry about. And<br />you've saved face for both of you.<br />So, in order to move out of the smoke and fire, don't put someone's<br />anger down or ask for more self-control. Just say that you see it, you're<br />sympathetic to it then let them talk it out—their way.<br />Understand the Anger<br />By absorbing the reasons why people get angry and hostile that I<br />mentioned earlier, you can handle them better. When you identify the<br />real source of someone's hostility, you can find a way to connect their<br />anger to a point of view you can talk about.<br />"I understand how you must feel. My point of view sounds like it will<br />change something you're very committed to. But let me show you how<br />that's not quite true."<br />Pinpointing the discussion to the underlying issue helps cut the<br />anger out of the conversation.<br />Get Out of the Personal Realm<br />Since hostility often turns to personal attack, don't start out defending<br />yourself. The goal is to get to a factual level, not remain on the<br />personal one.<br />"I know that your main goal is to get to the bottom of the issue, not<br />necessarily to have a personal grudge match with me. Actually, we don't<br />even know each other! So, as I hear it, you're concerned about . . . "<br />Another way:<br />"This sounds like one of those 'Kill the messenger' moments. I<br />understand that your anger (disagreement) about the subject has included<br />me. Let me rather be the method for clearing up a disagreement."<br />Find Something in Common<br />"You know, although we seem to be disagreeing, we actually have<br />something in common. We both care very much about this issue. I see<br />why you're so worked up. So am I!"<br />This surprising approach works well not just to dilute your opponent<br />and get you both talking. It plays very well for the audience. They see<br />that you're not patronizing your opponent or looking for the upper hand.<br />You seem to actually have room to hear and absorb dissident viewpoints<br />and still hold your ground.<br />210 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Ask for Further Clarification<br />Often, when someone is hostile, they will vent spleen but not be<br />very coherent about just what's troubling them. Try to get your opponent<br />to focus on the exact objection he/she has. Ask for it. "To help us come<br />to some understanding," or, "To help me respond to exactly what your<br />anger is about, please tell me the essence (or the basic source) of your<br />disagreement."<br />Taking the question or issue apart is by itself a cooling-off process,<br />pushing everyone toward logic and reason.<br />Have Faith in the Facts<br />Use demonstrable evidence, practical explanations, and specific<br />examples as your argument. Stay out of global statements and large<br />abstract concepts. The latter sound like you're being unresponsive and<br />will weaken your position in the eyes of the audience.<br />Settle for Disagreement<br />Be willing, when all avenues are exhausted, to end up still on<br />opposite sides. The key here is to end on a positive note, no matter what.<br />Show your logic; recap your position with some salient argument about<br />why. Then show compassion and understanding for someone else's point<br />of view.<br />"Well, I think we need to come to some conclusion here. I hear you<br />and what you believe in. I hope you can hear me and my points too; the<br />point that . . . etc. Let's just agree to disagree for now and know that<br />eventually the facts (or history) will bear out the correct position."<br />If it suits your personality, you might end it with a bit of humor:<br />"Well, you think that you're right and I know that I'm r i g h t . . . " or,<br />"The audience has heard us both. I think we've exhausted the<br />subject for now. Before we exhaust, and lose, them, let's call a<br />moratorium. And when you change your mind, which I hope I've helped<br />you do, please call me."<br />To conclude: Handling yourself during an audience question-andanswer<br />period is complex because of all our years of conditioning and<br />automatic question answering. It requires handling not only the question<br />but also the audience. Yet it's a valuable process and should be done.<br />It requires some understanding of what audiences want from you,<br />hearing clearly what is being asked, and finding ways and time to think<br />The Art of Being Questioned 211<br />in order to answer. This satisfies the audience and shows your strength<br />and character.<br />Now let's move to another instance in which you need to find ways<br />to answer questions.<br />THE BOSS VS. YOU<br />The Dynamics of Power<br />In a Q&A session with your boss, your major problem is to find ways<br />to feel that power is shared, to feel that you have some real choices about<br />how you'll behave and what you'll say and do.<br />When you're called in to a questioning session, the fact that he/she<br />can ask you to come, that you will come, and that you must answer<br />questions makes the balance of power a little different than in the usual<br />Q&A sessions after a presentation, where you have just demonstrated<br />your power and continue it by inviting them to ask you for more.<br />How Much Room at the Top<br />First—know your audience. There are certain predictables about any<br />boss.<br />Bosses<br />They're all different. The key is to know and study yours well enough<br />to discover how your boss deals with his/her power. What does he/she<br />usually do when confronted with an issue: Lose temper; ask questions;<br />decide alone; give orders; blame others; none of the above? Knowing the<br />unique qualities of your boss helps you predict and plan.<br />Know also that the very nature of their position causes them to have<br />certain traits in common. Being a boss generally brings with it certain<br />predictable and understandable needs for and attitudes about power and<br />authority. Knowing these overall basic needs and attributes will also help<br />you understand and prepare for a boss's probable approach to the<br />upcoming session:<br />• Leadership. In order to establish and maintain effective leadership,<br />a boss needs others to know that he/she is in charge. This means showing<br />212 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />that he/she has legitimate authority and is exercising it to get the job<br />done; making and implementing decisions and seeing to it that these<br />decisions are carried out. No matter how flexible, this "last word"<br />leadership must finally be unchallenged.<br />• High Profile. Leaders and bosses need to be visible to the troops.<br />Since they can't ride the white horse at the head of the pack and yell<br />"Charge!" any more, they must rely in part on visible trappings of power.<br />• Comparison. Since power is relative in any organization, your boss<br />may feel powerless before his/her boss. This can cause extra pressure and<br />power-wielding on the staff whenever your boss is in the presence of<br />someone else who wields power over him/her. Also the desire to show<br />his boss he isn't too soft on the troops.<br />• Pleasure. Power feel delicious to many of us, particularly to those<br />types who love and want it enough to emerge from the pack and run<br />things. This can sometimes cause muscle-flexing and an abuse of power<br />for its own sake.<br />• Respect. Power brings with it automatic respect. Not always<br />heartfelt and sometimes for the office rather than the person, nevertheless<br />the person in charge does get deference from his/her staff and a<br />certain sense of the effect his/her power has over them.<br />• Fear. People wield power unduly when they're afraid they don't<br />have it or are losing it. "Get it done because I say so" is a typical "retreat<br />to power" whenever a boss feels unable to deal with a situation or senses<br />the power slipping away.<br />Most of all, recognize that bosses have egos, vulnerabilities, and<br />needs, just like you. They're just not allowed to show them as much.<br />Understanding these basic components of what power means to<br />bosses can show you what territory you must cede in order to fulfill their<br />general needs before you can begin to think of how to fulfill your own<br />needs and what power you can get a piece of in a one-on-one session.<br />Now we've set the background against which you will appear. Bosses'<br />predictable needs and behavior patterns won't change. What can be<br />adaptable is your behavior. Based on what you understand, in advance,<br />so that you aren't surprised or thrown at the meeting, you can develop<br />The Art of Being Questioned 213<br />many options about how you answer questions and how you feel at such<br />a session.<br />Preparation<br />Why Were You Called<br />When you're asked to this questioning session by the boss be sure to<br />pinpoint specifically what is being asked about and why you are chosen<br />to be the spokesperson for this (if it isn't personal).<br />Bosses can call one-on-one questioning meetings to:<br />• solve a problem before it goes further<br />• analyze an issue<br />• discuss or touch base on an ongoing project<br />• get debriefed on a current "disaster"<br />• get to know you better/give kudos.<br />What Do They Really Want<br />Unless you get exact information about what they specifically<br />want, you may prepare too much or too little or not in the right format<br />or focus.<br />Why<br />This may require a little research and thought. Try to analyze why<br />he/she wants this information from you, especially at this time. Is<br />anything going on at the shop right now? New plans? Problems? If it's<br />you personally the boss wants to see, think through what the recent<br />deadlines have been; how's your work been going, what was the last<br />encounter you had and about what.<br />What Documents and Materials To Bring<br />Not only should you prepare notes for what you'll say about A, B, or<br />C if it's a formal session, but you need to bring leave-behinds to bolster<br />your points. Depending on what you need to explain, you should also<br />think through visual exhibits you might want to create and bring so that<br />you can share the information clearly and succinctly.<br />214 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Okay, so you're ready. Now comes the good part. Actually going in<br />there and doing it.<br />BASIC TECHNIQUES FOR ANSWERING<br />First, you need to look like you're ready, willing, and able to answer<br />all questions.<br />Second, you need to answer what he/she asks and to be clearly<br />responsive, not evasive.<br />Third, you want to be helpful and look for solutions, not defensive,<br />hidden, or obstructive.<br />Within those parameters there's a lot of leeway. You do have many<br />choices. Read again in the previous section how to clarify questions<br />before you answer; how to turn questions around so you get in what you<br />want to say; how to answer only what's asked, sparely and succinctly, and<br />wait for follow-up questions instead of pouring out all you know with the<br />first question.<br />Power<br />The power issue is again at the heart of how you answer. Feeling<br />strong and able to withstand what is thrown at you will help you dilute<br />the anxiety over the boss's power. Remember, it's still your information,<br />to be delivered your way, as much or as little as you decide.<br />Fear<br />Answerers often feel fear, and always feel concern for consequence:<br />Fear of what the boss can do and think, and concern for the consequences<br />of how you answer.<br />Establish Rapport<br />Don't walk in with a hang-dog, "let's get it over with" look. And don't<br />wait for the boss to start. Greet him/her first. You need to establish<br />contact and show that you aren't thrown by this session, but see it as an<br />encounter with the outcome still to be discovered, by mutual participation.<br />The Art of Being Questioned 215<br />To show you some specific ways to handle two kinds of one-on-one<br />questioning sessions, let's create a scenario or two and play it out.<br />Answering Informational Questions<br />Scene: The boss calls you in for a performance appraisal. This is a<br />kind of questioning encounter in which the atmosphere is basically<br />evaluating and the exchange of information is a key focus.<br />BOSS: "Well, Janet. It's that time again. Tell me, how do you think you<br />did at your job during this period?"<br />A common ploy: it may throw you off-guard. It can also smoke out<br />some problems the boss may not know about, and give the boss a chance<br />to hear your opinion of your own work.<br />If you answer:<br />"(Defensively) Why, I thought I did very well, don't you?"<br />you haven't told him/her anything except that you're not sure you did<br />and you seem to have nothing but the boss's affirmation to back you up.<br />If you use the same words but answer belligerently, you're on the<br />attack, expecting the worst, and nothing has really happened yet! That<br />can make the boss suspicious about why you're so belligerent.<br />Let me give you a series of suggestions about how to handle the<br />information-getting kind of questioning encounter.<br />Assume the BEST, Not the Worst<br />The old conditioning about how we answer any question makes us<br />walk into most such sessions nervous and defensive. Start out feeling<br />good, not bad, about the session. This will be an exchange. You'll talk<br />and ask and clarify on both sides. It's a chance for you to get things<br />straight—directly, not third hand.<br />Learn What the Meeting's About<br />Be sure you always find out what the subject of the meeting will be.<br />You can always ask "in the interest of being prepared for whatever you'll<br />need to know."<br />216 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Have Back-Up Material<br />Don't ask the boss to take your word for anything unless you have<br />data and can back it up. In the case of a performance review, come armed<br />with hard data: comparative figures; completed projects; original selfstarter<br />work; letters from satisfied customers; and the like.<br />Make Sure You Understand the Question<br />Don't presume too much too soon, a major failing whenever we<br />answer. Both the form and the content of the question are important.<br />• The form of the question<br />This tells you the underlying motivation for the question and helps<br />you know what needs dealing with first. Notice the differing mental sets<br />and how the form of the question can give you the clue:<br />Curious; "I don't understand exactly what these figures mean . . . "<br />This needs a straightforward informational answer.<br />Suspicious: "Well, exactly what do these figures mean. . . ?" This<br />needs some background to clarify the whole issue before you answer the<br />question. There's obviously some feeling, perhaps negative, already<br />present. Give context, then details.<br />Prejudiced: "These figures aren't very helpful..." Here you need to<br />ask why he/she thinks not, before you start defending. First find out<br />more about why the mind is already closed.<br />• The content of the question<br />This tells you exactly what's being asked for. Here's where your<br />listening skill is primary, as stated earlier. Listen till the end of the<br />question. Make sure you clarify by asking before you answer, so you stay<br />on target and don't volunteer too much.<br />Build a Broader Answer<br />Take some initiative. Use the question to build your case into the<br />answer. Don't only answer what is asked. Add background, comparisons,<br />implications that embellish the answer (keeping connected to the<br />original question, of course). This can shore up your position, giving it<br />more depth and dimension.<br />Tell the Truth<br />If you don't know, say so! You get extra points for honesty and<br />demerits for lying or faking.<br />The Art of Being Questioned 217<br />"I'm sorry, I don't know enough about that, but I can get it for you<br />later today" shows that you know when you don't know and that you<br />know how to find out. This breeds confidence!<br />After a Statement, Ask!<br />In a performance review, the boss will usually tell you what he/she<br />thinks after that opening question. Stay interested and calm. Listen very<br />hard for the areas of difference between what you think and what the<br />boss thinks. Respond with equanimity (sometimes tough but work on<br />this!) and a constructive outlook:<br />"I'm listening hard because I like my job and want to know whether<br />or not I'm doing it well and if you're getting what you need from me. Let<br />me ask you to focus further on X. I want very much to know more about<br />how you think I can improve that." Don't grovel, but show your interest<br />in fixing it with the boss's suggestions.<br />Answering Critical Questions<br />The other general category of questions come from an incident in<br />which you messed up, or at least something went wrong. The biggest<br />problem you have is being able to still the several voices inside that affect<br />how you hear and how you answer.<br />Let's turn to our three work types and some typical responses they<br />might have to this kind of exchange:<br />An Affiliator subordinate takes it all very personally. Usually fearful<br />of hostility, whatever the issue, Affiliators want the boss finally to forgive<br />them.<br />An Achiever boss can't understand the Affiliators response. He/she<br />wants to take a rational, task-oriented view:<br />"I thought we had a clear set of standards. How did this happen?" He<br />may actually get angry at himself Tor imperfectly organizing the task, but<br />he can't begin to hear the self-absorbed approach of the AfBliator.<br />An Influencer boss demands: "Why didn't you do this?" He/she<br />wants to know that the foul-up didn't come from your deliberately<br />defying him and his authority. He/she wants to see your willingness to<br />make it right. He wonders about his delegation of authority; aware of the<br />empowering relationship between authority and responsibility, he'll<br />worry about whether he gave you too much or too little.<br />When answering criticism:<br />218 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Don't Be Defensive<br />The one thing people expect when you're called in for criticism is<br />that you'll look and feel guilty. Beware! That invites them to attack.<br />Continue to explain what you did, why you did it, etc., factually, leaving<br />the door open to admit mistakes or handle further discussion. But don't<br />let the session deteriorate into a personal attack on you and who you are;<br />just on what you did or didn't do.<br />Don't Counter-Punch<br />With your "dukes" either clenched or up in front of your face, don t<br />respond by fighting back. Though you're tempted, do none of these:<br />"It's not a good system, anyway."<br />"Your objection isn't valid . . . "<br />"It's such a useless task . . . "<br />"What about when Jack did that?"<br />Stay with the listening. No comment, yet.<br />Get Specific<br />Take it in steps. First, be sure what the exact nature of the critique<br />is:<br />"Could you please explain what you mean by 'unfinished'?"<br />"How, exactly, had you hoped it would look?"<br />This shows willingness to listen and gives you time to find out what<br />the critique is about, precisely.<br />Ask for Suggestions<br />It's crucial that you impart that you want to improve, NOT only<br />defending that you did nothing wrong. People often have very different<br />views of "well done." Your boss's view must prevail. Ask:<br />"How would you handle it?"<br />"What format would be better?"<br />"Could you show me something that would demonstrate more of<br />what you mean?"<br />Understand the Directions<br />Words like "maybe more of" or "not effective enough" or "too<br />vague" don't help you do a better job next time. Find out exactly what<br />is meant, with demonstration. Sometimes the boss is dissatisfied but<br />The Art of Being Questioned 219<br />can't describe exactly what he/she wants. Help him/her formulate a real<br />position, thus helping to solve the problem together.<br />Add To or Change Answer<br />Sometimes you answer hastily. If you think better of it, it's a sign of<br />accuracy and responsiveness to fix it. "I'm sorry. In thinking about that<br />last answer I gave you, I forgot X." Listening to another question can also<br />cause you to add to a previous one. Do it. Again, a strong move to<br />forthrightness and alertness.<br />Disagree When Appropriate<br />Don't just roll over and play dead. That shows no spirit or conviction<br />about your work. After you get all the information about what the boss<br />perceives as wrong, you can come back with hard data to show that your<br />point of view also had validity. Be sure you can show credible evidence,<br />and show how your approach was a viable alternative.<br />Don't Go for a "Win"<br />In such a confrontation, don't think of it as win-lose. Rather, see it as<br />finding room to accommodate to another point of view, the one held by<br />the person in charge!<br />If You're Wrong<br />Say it! Don't grovel, but say what you've learned. Show that you now<br />see what the mistake was. But do it constructively.<br />"In retrospect I can see that was a bad decision. That concerns me<br />very deeply, since I don't like making mistakes—ever. I would surely<br />like not to repeat the process that led me to it. What would you suggest<br />about how to avoid that in the future?'<br />This will assure the boss that you're open to criticism and willing to<br />learn and fix mistakes, not to deny them and therefore continue to make<br />them.<br />If It Gets Personal<br />Pleasantly, try this:<br />"Can I ask for a moment here? It feels like we're talking more about<br />my character and less about what I did on such-and-such an occasion.<br />You know, I've worked here for a while and proven myself a loyal and<br />220 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />conscientious employee. I think you know that. If something went<br />wrong, I'd like to fix it. A mistake in judgment means I have something<br />to learn. But I'm still the same loyal, conscientious person I always was."<br />End Constructively<br />The best outcome from such a confrontation is for the boss to know<br />you're adult enough to hear the issues and not also fold personally. Show<br />how well you take direction and how willing you are to try again, his/her<br />way. Make it a team effort. Ask to come in and check as you re-do to be<br />sure you're on the right wavelength. If you can, try:<br />"I want to tell you that I appreciate your being so straight with me.<br />No one likes to mess up, but I'm glad you showed me you have faith in<br />my ability to do this better by calling me in this way. I won't let you<br />down. "<br />Role Play and Practice<br />In closing this chapter, let me again suggest that you practice. Do<br />some role playing by improvising a questioning session, especially about<br />audience questions. Peers can really help you hear because they know<br />the right questions to ask.<br />Give your friends/family the outline of what the meeting's about,<br />who's coming, what they want, and what they'll probably ask you. This<br />is true whether it's for an audience after a speech or the boss. If you<br />prepare a list of what you think will be asked, you help yourself focus and<br />give your group of "Not for Prime Time" players something to work<br />from.<br />The idea is to find out what it feels like before the big day. To<br />discover some of your weak points both personally and content-wise.<br />If you have a video camera, you might even want to tape it. You can<br />then judge for yourself how you came across, what you said, and if that's<br />how you want to do it.<br />If you have no camera, you can still audio-tape it. Then listen and<br />critique.<br />And, of course, you'll want to ask your friends to give you live<br />feedback so you can discuss how it went with them right after you do it.<br />Everything feels better after you've experienced it. Practice not only<br />helps you get used to the upcoming experience; it can stop you from<br />making some errors in attitude and in how you're coming across. It can<br />show you if your presentation and method of explanation work. And it<br />The Art of Being Questioned 221<br />gives you a chance to try out some of these answers and phrases and<br />begin to adapt them to your style.<br />The bottom line? Remember that giving answers is giving a gift. You<br />own your information and can choose what you'll give and how.<br />Understand your questioners: what they really want, how you affect<br />them. Understand the questioning process and how it has conditioned us<br />to feel powerless and answer without discretion and with fear.<br />Learn even to enjoy the give-and-take!<br />Now let's turn to another area of give-and-take: Meetings. How to<br />lead and participate in them effectively.<br />MEETINGS<br />Leading and Participating Effectively<br />Meetings were obviously intended to serve some important function<br />in the workplace because there are so many of them! But why do so many<br />people walk away from them mumbling, "Endless," "Boring," "Waste of<br />time," "Didn't get anywhere," "What are we supposed to do now?" and<br />other such critical comments?<br />In this chapter we'll find out first what meetings are really for; then<br />discover what internal dynamics one can expect in any group interaction<br />and what goes wrong with meetings most often. Then, communications<br />skills for leaders and participants, and how to design agendas and<br />meetings and run them successfully.<br />WHAT GOES WRONG AND WHY<br />In order to change the perception and the techniques with which<br />meetings are run, let's first look at what goes wrong. You've been to<br />meetings. I'm sure you'll find your overt complaints and hidden concerns<br />in what follows:<br />Factual Issues<br />Passivity<br />"I feel like I'm just supposed to show up there . . . "<br />The meeting is the leader's idea and doesn't always feel truly participatory.<br />You arrive to a fixed agenda that you're supposed to tune into and<br />222<br />Meetings 223<br />become involved in, yet the agenda items don't always concern you.<br />Meeting goers generally don't have any input into the agenda and the<br />proceedings till the end, when they're tired and dying to get out. That's<br />when the leader says, "Any new items you'd like to bring up?" Groan!<br />Boring<br />"They're usually endless and dull, with people talking in circles. "<br />Because meetings are so product-oriented—"Let's get down to work<br />and get this over with. X number of items on the agenda. Let's start with<br />#1"—people just don't take the time to build in persuasive or involving<br />techniques the way they would when delivering a speech. Sitting through<br />a list of disconnected issues, hearing report after report and perfunctory<br />discussions, group members are rarely stimulated except when they may<br />get to the one or two items that might directly affect them.<br />People Don't Listen<br />"I don't think they ever heard what my report was really about."<br />Although meetings are meant to be a clearinghouse for ideas, what's<br />brought up at meetings often falls on deaf ears. You often find several<br />people talking at once or interrupting each other. Comments rarely flow<br />in response to what was just said, but more from "Now it's my turn.<br />Listen to my idea."<br />Many of us aren't good at listening in the best of times, suffering from<br />both the perfectly human tendency toward self-involvement and the<br />conditioned response to the usual level of speakers. But given all the<br />facets of what's at stake personally at a meeting, it's little wonder that<br />we're really bad at listening there.<br />Grandstanding<br />"Two or three people always seem to dominate or try to get control.<br />Feels like you can't get a word in."<br />The more powerful or outspoken members may try to take over<br />meetings—talking too long or too often, pre-empting the "last word"<br />position, and generally putting a damper on effective participation by<br />less aggressive attendees.<br />The Power of the Leader<br />"How much can you disagree? After all, he's the boss."<br />The fact of a person in power, usually your boss, leading the meeting<br />224 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />creates still another area of tension. He/she is the person to please; the<br />one you have to keep working for; the one who called the meeting with<br />certain expectations and goals. This creates an "acting" challenge—to<br />"act like" you're there and "with it" wholeheartedly—when you may not<br />feel that way and are actually being very careful about what you do. Even<br />if the meeting caller is not your ultimate boss, for the length of that<br />meeting he/she has the power to direct, to cut you short, and most of all,<br />to remember . . .<br />Foregone Conclusions<br />"Group discussion is a waste of time since the boss will already know<br />what he wants to do."<br />The leader who called the meeting often has already reached a<br />conclusion and knows how he/she wants the decision to come out.<br />Therefore, if the group begins to move in another direction, there is a tug<br />of war or manipulation by the leader. This makes the group feel that it<br />doesn't matter whether there is consensus or not, the end product is a<br />foregone conclusion.<br />Not Useful<br />"You often walk out not sure exactly what was decided and what to<br />do next."<br />One of the greatest problems with meetings is the need for good,<br />definitive closure. Unfortunately, coming to some conclusions about an<br />issue seems to feel like enough to many people. Participants often walk<br />out without a clear action or follow-up plan or a sense of how the new<br />decisions will fit into the total scheme, what the consequences will be,<br />etc.<br />"Feeling" Issues<br />Fear of exposure<br />"I'm visible to my peers and the people in my group, as well as to<br />the people in power. What I say (or don't say) is registered for all to<br />see. I could even be in for some public criticism in relation to a<br />project!"<br />This is one of the subconscious responses, not brought to the surface<br />or admitted, but fear of being exposed is an active part of people's<br />Meetings 225<br />feelings about meetings. Therefore, meeting goers feel wary and<br />guarded, attending much more to their safety then to the business at<br />hand.<br />Potential Conflict<br />"Will I take a chance and publicly disagree and get into an argument?<br />Will I, should I, stick my neck out?"<br />Most people are not accustomed to living life by walking uphill,<br />against the prevailing wind. It requires much inner strength and<br />motivation to fight for a cause against the popular consensus or to argue<br />for an unpopular thought, if yours is not a basic "oppositional" mentality.<br />By nature, we like to avoid conflict. It's personally costly and can expose<br />you to attack by the majority.<br />Dissenters can also feel isolated or unpopular—not just at a meeting<br />but in the workplace itself. A distaste for the dangers of conflict causes<br />many people to bite their tongues and not speak out at meetings.<br />Anticipating that, for safety's sake, you may have to throttle your<br />desire to speak out and that you'll make yourself play dead at the<br />meeting, makes you enter with anxiety and with another kind of hostility<br />toward the meeting process.<br />Prior Relationships Brought to Meeting<br />"I know who'll side with whose position before I even go in. It<br />doesn't matter what the facts are."<br />There are often factions or pre-aligned groups in the workplace who<br />pull against each other, acting out a power struggle over issues and turf.<br />Also, feelings of personal animosity or competition with people in your<br />shop get heightened as you sit around a table watching each other. Public<br />visibility, vying for position, and the intensity these cause can make<br />meetings unsuccessful and unwelcome.<br />Concern About Consequences<br />"What will be required of me?" "If we decide X, how will it affect my<br />job?" "Can I do what the new plan will ask of me?" "What can I do to stop<br />something I see being planned that can affect me adversely?"<br />Meetings often mean change. You can see how these concerns would<br />make going to a meeting an uneasy and unwelcome experience as you<br />think, "Okay, what are we going to change now?"<br />226 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />So—here's the background for changing how meetings are run.<br />Sounds like a lot of obstacles, doesn't it? Are meetings such a good idea?<br />Worth trying to fix? Who needs them, anyway?<br />Why Meetings?<br />Here are some reasons why meetings, with their pitfalls, can be the<br />best and often the only way to work well together.<br />• Getting a sense of the whole<br />So much work is done privately and so many components are<br />delegated in the workplace that it's vital to hear the overview and see<br />how the pieces, including the ones you're working on, fit together.<br />• Comparing notes<br />Knowing that the same knotty problem has also stumped others, or<br />discovering similarities between the workers and the work done elsewhere<br />and in your outfit, is most reassuring.<br />• Sharing information<br />Learning from what others have learned; hearing ways to solve<br />problems; being able to give something you've learned to the group;<br />picking up data you need—all reasons for, and positive outcomes of,<br />group meetings.<br />• Being visible to each other<br />Much of what we do at work, we do alone. We need a place to feel<br />in unison. It's important to get the sense of a team pulling together in any<br />group endeavor. Seeing and hearing from each other, experiencing the<br />unity of energies being expended in the same effort, is a powerful team<br />builder. It can also be the place for the leader to inspire the troops . . .<br />• Comfort of hearing others' opinions openly<br />There is great anxiety around being asked your opinions and ideas<br />privately, one-on-one, by the boss, knowing that he/she will also be<br />asking others. This makes you much less forthcoming as you hedge your<br />answers in fear of being too exposed or too far off base in comparison to<br />your co-workers. Airing ideas in a group gives everyone some orientation<br />to the norm and helps people decide how far they want to go.<br />• Looking for solutions jointly<br />"Two heads are better than one" is true for many reasons. You get so<br />committed to the sound of your own inner voice and its ideas that it's<br />Meetings 227<br />shocking to hear how many other ways something can be done. The<br />stimulation your thinking gets when it can play off or incorporate another<br />point of view or even need to justify itself to dissenters is invaluable. The<br />variety and quality of solutions a group can come up with is still another<br />reason for meetings.<br />• Group self-critique<br />In a group, it's safe to join in on the complaining and nitpicking and<br />even laugh about how something's getting fouled up, when everyone<br />else is doing it. The leader can also authorize and direct self-criticism<br />about a project at a meeting to make everyone contribute, become aware<br />of the difficulties, and start solving the problems that are brought up.<br />• Developing consensus<br />The efficiency of unified agreement vs. individual commitments is<br />clear. When you agree as a group and set yourselves a course of action,<br />everyone in the group becomes everyone else's conscience as well as<br />spur. Conflicts can be resolved in the open and the final product feels<br />"right" to the group as a whole.<br />• Stimulating ideas<br />The atmosphere of many people focusing on one idea brings the<br />creative level up for all. Hearing possible solutions stimulates meeting<br />participants to add on or take someone else's thought and run with it.<br />So—meetings are an extremely useful, actually invaluable, tool and<br />absolutely vital in the workplace.<br />Comparison of What Should Be and What Is<br />Knowing what business meetings should be and what they could<br />accomplish, as well as how far short they usually fall, can help us design<br />new ways to run and participate in effective meetings.<br />Read down the list of what meetings should be; then read how they<br />actually work. Compare your most recent meeting experience with each<br />list:<br />IDEAL ACTUAL<br />Get a sense of the whole Passive experience<br />Compare notes Boring<br />Share information People don't listen<br />Be visible to each other Not useful<br />Hear others' opinions Fear of exposure<br />228 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Look for solutions jointly Danger of potential conflict<br />Group self-critique Act out prior relationships<br />Develop consensus Grandstanding<br />Stimulate ideas Leader overwhelms<br />Foregone conclusions<br />Concern about consequences<br />How do your experiences come out? Have your meetings added<br />value and quality to your work process? Have you perhaps fallen into<br />some of the stereotypical pitfalls? Have you truly maximized the group<br />process? Are you, as leader or as group member, well served?<br />To avoid the typical pitfalls and ensure effective meetings and<br />results, let's begin by finding out about how people behave in groups.<br />Too many meetings don't work because there's not enough, or<br />inappropriate, participation: poor listening; ineffective exchanges of<br />information; polarization; hostility; overbearing leadership; and so on.<br />Therefore I will focus on ways to improve interpersonal skills and<br />develop better communications skills as a meeting leader or participant.<br />I will not deal with the whole gamut of group management techniques or<br />with group process, nor will I take an in-depth look at the variations and<br />layers of group dynamics.<br />BASIC PERSONALITIES AT MEETINGS<br />You know how when you sit around the table at a meeting, the same<br />people generally speak up, disagree, criticize, or never say a word? Have<br />you ever stopped to think that they actually fall into types; that their<br />behavior is definable and predictable? That it comes from a whole set of<br />intrinsic behavior patterns?<br />Wouldn't it help if you knew the behavior categories so that you<br />could more readily recognize and understand how people act at a<br />meeting and could handle them better and more productively?<br />Just like "You can't know the players without a score card" at a ball<br />game, there is a kind of "score card " we can develop to define the basic<br />behavior types at any meeting. Whenever you can categorize behavior in<br />recognizable patterns, it helps not only to understand it, but to recognize<br />the hallmarks so that you can move past "How obnoxious he is," or,<br />"Why does she always have to find some negative response?" into a<br />knowledgeable countermove.<br />Meetings 229<br />There are many studies out about how to categorize people in group<br />interactions. The four categories I will describe come from the work of<br />Dr. David Kantor of the Kantor Family Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts,<br />author of Inside the Family. * These categories work in any<br />group situation. They define how we interrelate with each other not only<br />at meetings but also within the family. As you read them, I'm sure you'll<br />recognize every character type and match it to folks who know. See if you<br />can also find and define yourself as I suggest some skills for handling<br />them.<br />Players in a Group Interaction<br />Mover<br />This is the one in the group who usually initiates action. He/she<br />defines where you're heading and suggests and develops ideas for how to<br />get there. Movers are usually called "natural leaders." They're seen as<br />strong, sure-footed, self-confident. They are very creative, but are often<br />intolerant of alternative ideas, seeing their own ideas as the only way.<br />They enjoy power and being in charge but also need and want approval<br />and agreement.<br />Their value at a meeting is obvious. Giving ideas and the energy to<br />back them up is a most useful and constructive trait. Notice their needs,<br />though, for approval and agreement.<br />Suggestions: The challenge to the group leader is to harness the<br />mover to pull ahead and be creative, affirming his/her contribution, but<br />to also leave room for others in the group to catch up or to vary the plan<br />he/she initiates. The meeting leader must anticipate the mover and what<br />he/she usually does and set a course within which the mover can function<br />but not dominate the meeting. Be aware that meeting leaders can<br />themselves often be movers and must be aware of their own tendency to<br />pre-empt others' participation . . .<br />Opposer<br />This person is a reactor and countermover, in response to the<br />mover's action. Not visible in the initiator role, the opposer moves into<br />gear to push against whatever has been put on the table. He/she creates<br />a challenge to the mover by blocking the mover's direction or intended<br />destination. Opposers want others to declare themselves on their side.<br />* Inside the Family (Jossey Bass, 1975).<br />230 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Then the opposer can become the mover. Like movers, opposers are<br />powerful, too. They can redefine the action established by the mover; to<br />halt or redirect what the mover begins.<br />Opposers get their attention and consequent sense of importance by<br />the very act of taking a contra stance. They say they don't care about<br />overt approval; they care about the "facts" and the "truth." In this<br />process they can also hurt feelings and make enemies, not only of the<br />people they thwart but of the group itself. Because they are perceived as<br />interrupters not only of one person but of forward progress, groups can<br />often resent opposers.<br />Suggestions: Although this type sounds like a negative contributor,<br />and the tendency can develop to want to ignore them or put their<br />objections down, opposers actually serve some very useful functions. As<br />those who test ideas and scrutinize data to find flaws, meeting leaders<br />and others can and should use them as a stimulus for further thought and<br />analysis of a mover's idea. By taking the useful critique from their<br />seemingly negative message, opposers can also, if well directed by the<br />leader of the group, redirect and even stimulate more ideas or improvements<br />on the original mover's suggestion.<br />Ideally, opposers should be motivated to dissent and critique<br />constructively, thus entering into a dialogue with the mover to develop<br />better strategies jointly, rather than simply to oppose.<br />Meeting leaders should also check up on their own tendency to be<br />opposers. Playing the devil's advocate, finding fault, and critiquing the<br />suggestions of others too often, the leader can lose his/her role as a<br />facilitator who moves the action along.<br />Follower<br />This person is a familiar in any group: he/she is the one who "goes<br />along." The follower's role is to support someone; in a group meeting, it's<br />the mover or the opposer. Followers "sign on" to someone else's idea,<br />and as long as they stay in this position, they seldom initiate any ideas of<br />their own. Followers are not necessarily uncreative people. They may<br />simply have greater needs to play it safe, to keep a lower profile, or to<br />wait until they see the general tenor of the group as a whole before they<br />take an overt stand.<br />They do have interesting kinds of power, though. They can empower<br />others by granting them support and creating a constituency. Everyone<br />wants the follower on his side because we all need supporters and troops<br />to back us when we go out on a limb. Followers can retain their power<br />Meetings 231<br />and independence by shifting sides, or lose their autonomy and weaken<br />their position by prematurely committing support to one side. Sometimes<br />they can maintain joint allegiance by privately professing allegiance<br />to each or by following mover and opposer for separate reasons,<br />double-speaking in an attempt to stay close to all.<br />Suggestions: For the leader of the group, the message would be to<br />allow the follower to find his own level and not put him on the spot too<br />early with a "What do you think, Sam?" Followers are very good<br />implementors once they commit to someone or to an idea. Use that.<br />You'd choke with a room full of only movers and opposers!<br />Bystander<br />This is a really interesting character who needs special attention.<br />True, he stays quiet, but he's really quite different from the follower.<br />Whereas the follower can be heard agreeing and "Me, too"ing, the<br />bystander stays out of direct action altogether. He/she makes no<br />alliances with any of the other three categories. He watches, witnesses,<br />and keeps opinions to himself. This makes for uneasiness on the part of<br />everyone else because no one knows what he's thinking. Bystanders<br />don't express a clear position. Rather, they go for abstractions and<br />cerebral descriptions about something rather than emotional commitments<br />to something.<br />Bystanders are most comfortable standing apart, making comments<br />like "Hmmm," or, "I have to think about that. " In this commentator-like<br />role, they take on an air of objectivity and wisdom (often unwarranted).<br />They therefore have the power to comfort those they watch by making<br />them feel known and valued with a few murmurings or asides. They can<br />also hurt others they ignore by continuing simply to observe silently, in<br />a noncommittal way.<br />The bystander's position is a very seductive one. Both sides try to get<br />him to declare for them, and since no one knows what he's thinking,<br />there's much attention and energy spent in this pursuit. Unlike the<br />follower, who can be had and does commit, the bystander wishes to<br />remain apart—enigmatic, there to be wooed.<br />Suggestions: For the meeting leader, know that bystanders don't all<br />do so voluntarily. Some people become bystanders because they're<br />overshadowed or given neither encouragement, confidence, nor training<br />to try any other role. In order to puncture the vacuum they surround<br />themselves with, try giving them a specific role or job, not waiting for<br />them to volunteer or asking them for overt commitment.<br />232 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Interaction<br />To understand how these four meeting-behavior types would interact,<br />let's see how they would deal with a simple social issue: What to do<br />on a Saturday:<br />MOVER (AL): "Hey, let's go to the ball game."<br />OPPOSER (HARRY): "The ball game? Hah! Everyone knows it's gonna rain<br />Saturday, and besides the parking is impossible. '<br />FOLLOWER (PHIL): "Gee, I don't know . . . the ball game . . . Hey,<br />that's a good idea!"<br />BYSTANDER (JOE): "Yeah. Baseball. The ail-American game."<br />What could you as a leader or fellow meeting goer—objectively able<br />to see and hear all four approaches—do to find a solution?<br />First—you could build on the mover's idea and incorporate the<br />opposer's negative concerns by saying:<br />"The ball game is a great idea, Al" (giving the mover credit for his<br />idea), "but let's just be sure about the weather" (drawing in opposer<br />Harry's idea, too). "Joe, why don't you find out about it right now?"<br />(assigning a task to the noncommittal bystander without putting him on<br />the spot about his choice).<br />"You know, Harry mentioned the parking. Probably will be tough.<br />How can we solve that?" (taking another negative and turning it into a<br />constructive point).<br />You could then wait for suggestions from the group, like going early,<br />parking, and having lunch, or turn it back to Al, the mover, to come up<br />with another solution.<br />What about Phil the follower? How can you involve him? Maybe,<br />after the affirmative vote, by saying, "Phil, you're a good organizer. Why<br />don't you pull this whole thing together and coordinate? "<br />The bottom line: Since people follow these basic propensities<br />whenever they interact in a group, recognize and help deflect the<br />head-on collisions. That makes meetings and participants productive.<br />Now let's turn to three basic communication skills we all need at<br />meetings, and then focus on individual personal skills for leaders and for<br />participants.<br />Meetings 233<br />BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MEETINGS<br />Meetings are a tough challenge because it's normally very hard for<br />people to get together, work constructively, and agree on anything,<br />especially in the workplace. We're all such individuals and bring so many<br />agendas to a gathering.<br />People play many roles at meetings: actual vs. formal leaders,<br />mediators, focused task drivers, idea generators, information testers,<br />etc. For us, in order to get down to basics and give suggestions useful for<br />the widest range, let's just divide meeting behavior into two general<br />roles, convener/leader and participant.<br />• The leader needs to recognize the dynamics of the group and<br />guide everyone toward each goal with awareness of the disparate<br />elements at play. He/she needs to know how to go about getting<br />group decisions while also participating him/herself, developing<br />the focus of the meeting, watching the time, and coming up with<br />the results.<br />• Participants also need to be aware of the dynamics of the group,<br />but can sometimes have a more objective view since they're not<br />involved in the overall conduct of the meeting. They can add a<br />calming influence and some perspective, and can often see how<br />two points can fit together. Although their role is to participate,<br />they can often shape the direction of the meeting as much as, if<br />not more than, the leader.<br />Listening<br />Why do we need lessons in listening? Because in our zeal to tell our<br />ideas, to make ourselves known and make a dent in the world, we<br />sometimes fail to consider that someone else has ideas, needs, feelings,<br />too, and that we need to take the time to hear them.<br />This is especially true in a group situation where we are visible to<br />each other and to the boss. Our competitive spirit may urge us to dismiss<br />others' contributions or see them as a threat.<br />The Process of Non-Listening<br />It works something like this:<br />You start to talk. I listen to the beginning of what you're saying. Then<br />234 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />my mind goes to work to imagine where you're going with this and what<br />you probably mean. I can't wait till you're done to hear all of what you<br />mean because then there'll be no time to think up my countermove. So,<br />in the interests of no "dead air" time, I start thinking—not listening—<br />while you're still talking. Then, as soon as you finish, I'm ready. Funny<br />thing is, I often don't even wait till you're finished.<br />The hallmarks of non-listening are interrupting and cutting off the<br />end of someone's sentence; jumping from one subject to another with<br />no connection to what's just been said; or several people talking at<br />once.<br />Result? No flow in the discussion. No building up of ideas vertically.<br />Just random blips on a flat horizontal line that don't accrue to each other<br />or grow from each other to make a productive whole. Vital information<br />and good ideas get lost. We don't explore issues thoroughly. We don't<br />really know what we agreed to. We expect not to be listened to and<br />understood so we repeat ourselves as we speak.<br />Not very useful in a meeting process that looks for solutions by a<br />group.<br />How to fix it? It's not simple because physiologically we're built to<br />think much faster than we can talk. That gives us all that leftover time I<br />told you about in Chapter 2 (only 15 percent of the brain is needed for<br />understanding words and 85 percent is left doing nothing), for thinking<br />our own thoughts, criticizing yours, or just going off and thinking about<br />other things entirely.<br />Techniques to Improve Listening<br />Try these, deliberately and actively, and see how much more you<br />will hear and notice.<br />• Put yourself aside<br />Wipe your slate clean while I talk. I promise your word-well won't go<br />dry, and when it's your turn to talk, you'll manufacture words again<br />without having rehearsed them while I'm talking.<br />• Get curious<br />"What's his idea?" Since you already know what you think, make<br />yourself find out and discover a new idea. It's interesting just to hear how<br />differently we all think and how many solutions there can be to one<br />problem.<br />• Listen openly<br />Suspend your judgment. We're so good at criticizing and finding<br />reasons why not to do anything. Wait till you've heard the whole idea<br />Meetings 235<br />without judgment. Listen wholeheartedly, from the speaker's point of<br />view, not yours.<br />• Listen actively<br />Anticipate where the speaker is going.<br />Weigh what he/she is saying against what you know.<br />Listen to the supporting evidence.<br />Keep reviewing and summarizing what is being said.<br />Sort out evidence and fact from statements unsupported by evidence.<br />Categorize: "This relates to that."<br />• Listen to all of it<br />Wait till the very end. As you listen, try to figure out where he/she<br />is going and what the conclusion will be. But wait for it before you speak.<br />• Look at the speaker<br />The non-verbal signals we all give off as we speak are often even<br />more truth-telling than our self-edited words. Notice what else is going<br />on. Not only is it revealing, it peaks your interest, because we are drawn<br />to the visual and the active, not just to abstract listening.<br />• Build on<br />When it's your turn, hook into what was just said as a point of<br />departure for your statement:<br />"Joe just brought up X. Why don't we . . ."or pick out a few words<br />you just heard and incorporate them as your opening:<br />" 'A total overview . . . " You're right, Lynn. As you said, a total<br />overview is what we need right now."<br />This not only tells everyone you were listening, but is a sign of<br />respect to the previous speaker, making you a friend and enlisting<br />him/her as a supporter of yours. It also enhances the cumulative<br />idea-building process.<br />• Take notes<br />If you have lots of trouble listening and doing these steps, you might<br />try taking notes as other people speak. This forces you to focus and make<br />a precis of what is being said, keeping you up with the speaker and taking<br />in the idea.<br />236 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Helping the Group Listen<br />The leader of a meeting who is alert to the signals of non-listening<br />that I mentioned earlier and wants to fix it can actively intercede with a<br />simple:<br />"Hey, this sounds like no one is listening to each other. Let's<br />everyone make a special effort to listen till the end of a statement before<br />jumping in." This alerts everyone to what's been happening since we're<br />generally quite unaware that we're not listening.<br />Another technique could be for the leader to summarize what each<br />person said before moving on to the next to keep the group's attention:<br />"So, you want us to rethink that plan because XXX, Linda. Okay.<br />Now, Hugh, what did you want to say?"<br />Still another way is to point out when people are obviously not<br />listening because they're being unresponsive:<br />"Wait a minute, Andrea. Jerry was just talking about a problem.<br />Let's stay with that before we go on to the next issue."<br />Teaching your group better listening skills is important for their daily<br />work with clients, peers, etc., not just at a meeting.<br />Supporting<br />A: "Hey, here's a good idea."<br />B: "Nah, we did that already."<br />C: "What about trying this?"<br />D: "It'll never work."<br />E: "How about doing it this way?"<br />F: "I'll tell you what's wrong with that . . . "<br />Some of us have trouble finding a positive, supportive thing to say<br />when we hear another's idea. Yet this is one of the best ways to keep the<br />energies flowing and to use the contributions in a group to best<br />advantage. There are several reasons why we don't do this well:<br />• Because many of us are competitive at work, it's often very<br />difficult for us to be generous to each other.<br />• It may feel threatening to compliment and support someone<br />else's idea lest it make ours seem the less.<br />Meetings 237<br />• By nature, most of us tend to be threatened by change, so our<br />first response to anything new is generally negative.<br />• When we criticize, we actually become an active part of someone<br />else's effort rather than just being a listener.<br />• Cynicism often is misperceived as an achievement in itself,<br />showing our superior knowledge and experience.<br />Results? We not only put a damper on new ideas and creativity but<br />if the group norm is to be critical and negative, people become afraid to<br />go out on a limb and even look for new solutions. They develop a "what's<br />the use?" attitude and become more interested in being self-protective<br />than innovative. If this atmosphere prevails, calling meetings to find<br />solutions becomes a waste of time as people expect to be turned down<br />anyway.<br />So—another interactive skill we need to learn in order to make group<br />endeavors fruitful and stimulating is to support each other's new ideas.<br />This means singling out something good, useful, innovative in someone's<br />suggestion and then using it or incorporating it. It doesn't mean<br />indiscriminate acceptance or a "That's nice" pat on the head. It means to<br />listen hard, then to select what is useful and mention it.<br />Techniques for Supporting<br />• Understand your basic approach<br />Achievers may find supporting others difficult since they are so<br />single-minded and tuned into their own goals and standards. Differing<br />approaches and ideas may seem off-target or irrelevant to them.<br />Influencers may have a hard time supporting, since their object is to<br />make a strong personal impact, not necessarily to move over and let<br />someone else share the limelight.<br />Affiliators, by their nature, may have a better chance to support,<br />since they want to be liked and accepted, to join in. People are important<br />to them as opposed to the Achiever's interest in standards and the<br />Influencer's interest in impact. Affiliators' problems are concern over<br />what the group will think, fear that taking up for someone's ideas will<br />bring group disapproval. There's also a tendency to support only those<br />people they "like," while opposing those they don't like or feel don't like<br />them. (We can probably all find aspects of Achiever, Affiliator, and<br />Influencer inside ourselves.)<br />Here are some examples of support techniques that will help you<br />stimulate the group process and become a more constructive participant.<br />238 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Assume value<br />In order to support, we must begin by assuming that there can be<br />something of value in any idea—even if just to stimulate us to think<br />again, or to point up some basic flaw in what we've all been thinking.<br />So, to support others, allow their ideas to emerge as important and<br />valuable, too—not easy in the light of our often competitive spirit.<br />Assume everyone has some useful ideas, some information you don't<br />have, a point of view you can't know, something that could contribute to<br />the group's thinking, and look for it.<br />• Listen carefully<br />Now that you've learned how to listen, do it with a specific purpose:<br />To hear what is useful, innovative, the beginning of a good idea, some<br />new information, another point of view or analysis, etc.<br />Notice that I say "some," "the beginning of," "another." That means<br />the whole idea doesn't have to be fully developed or totally correct. It<br />means to look for a small piece. An addition. A departure. Look for a<br />catalyst to stimulate further thinking, not a finished product. Catalysts<br />are very valuable to a group, worthy of merit and notice.<br />• Say it<br />Having found it, say it.<br />"Listen, what you just said about X is really good," or, "I liked the<br />part about . . . Let's talk about that some more."<br />This gives validity to anyone trying to come up with a new idea. It<br />encourages others to try, too. It keeps the creative atmosphere alive. It<br />doesn't waste kernels of good ideas by dumping the whole. It's personal<br />effect is to flatter and affirm, making a friend and an eager participant.<br />• Build on<br />"You know, building on Jack's idea, we could . . . "<br />The next step in affirming and supporting is to continue the forward<br />momentum. Add your own ideas. Supporting is only part of the process.<br />Keep the energy moving by connecting that idea with your own. Find<br />ways for synergy. Hooking into what's being said keeps positive juices<br />flowing and people more willing to accept than reject ideas, yours<br />included.<br />The results of learning and using good supporting skills are that you<br />add to the team spirit and develop better interpersonal relations as<br />people remember and feel grateful. You also build support for yourself<br />and your ideas.<br />Meetings 239<br />Now, lest I create a Pollyanna world which finds you all supporting<br />each other to death in meetings with never a contrary word or critical<br />thought, I hasten to teach you how to disagree as well.<br />Disagreeing<br />Some of us have trouble disagreeing because we're afraid to hurt<br />feelings or get into an argument. It's vital to the group process, though,<br />because it makes the final solution stronger if it survives some criticism.<br />Being able to differ with each other makes the group stronger because<br />they will become conditioned to rethinking or scrapping an idea. They<br />will also learn to work together with respect for each other's differences<br />and abilities. Being disagreed with constructively makes the individual<br />members stronger because they learn to survive critical comments and<br />still keep working together.<br />Techniques for Disagreeing<br />• Respect others' ideas<br />The big trick in disagreeing with someone is to do it in a manner that<br />encourages receptivity rather than defensiveness and resentfulness—a<br />manner that differs with an idea, not a person. Be respectful of someone's<br />idea while you disagree with it.<br />• Listen and support first<br />Using the previous two skills—really hearing the whole idea and<br />choosing the best parts for positive commendation—makes it easier for<br />the speaker to accept the places where you differ. Always give a gift<br />before you take something away. It doesn't leave the other person with<br />such a loss if you listen and support before you confront.<br />• Ask questions<br />"I like X but tell me more about Y."<br />In order to get all the information out that you might disagree with,<br />start by asking some questions in that area before you criticize or<br />disagree. Get more facts to support your disagreement. You may be able<br />to clear up some misunderstanding you had and resolve it for yourself<br />and others before you need to disagree.<br />• Be specific and constructive<br />Sometimes you and another person disagree but are talking about<br />two different things. Be sure you specify what the issues are that you<br />240 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />disagree with before you get into a random negative discussion. Select<br />and focus on specifics.<br />• Disagree non-judgmentally<br />Beware of the adjectives you use. Try:<br />"Something's troubling me about this," not, "That's a pretty useless<br />idea." Be careful what you criticize. Just the parts you disagree with, not<br />the total concept or, most of all, the person who generated it. "How<br />could you even think that . . . ?" is not the way. Remember you're<br />talking about a thing, not a person. Keep all the heat out. And watch the<br />tendency toward arrogance. You are not the final arbiter nor the only one<br />privy to the truth.<br />• Offer another solution<br />Don't just carp. Be ready to add what you think is best. "How about<br />changing that last part to include . . . ?" Tell why you disagree, and then<br />fix it by showing another way or asking the speaker to address that<br />problem and come up with another solution himself. Leaders can<br />suggest: "I think you've taken it too far but let's stay with the first<br />thought. Everyone think of how we could use it."<br />Personal Skills for Leaders<br />Leading a Meeting<br />Be clear about your role. You are a traffic manager, a referee, the<br />producer of an event, and most of all, a host. Remember they're there<br />because you invited them. Take care of them—their egos, their physical<br />needs, their attention span, their ability to understand. Facilitate their<br />desire to do a good job. Be a watchdog about the quality of any<br />presentations—their clarity, their interest. Be honest and forthcoming<br />about why you want this meeting. Start discussing an agenda item by<br />asking for their help. Make them know that they're vital to the process<br />and that you can't do it alone.<br />Staying Focused<br />Keep the group pointing toward solutions or the end product you<br />want from a discussion on an issue. It's easy for a group discussion to<br />deteriorate into nitpicking or a negative push-pull, or to generate other<br />issues that only minimally connect with the one at hand.<br />Meetings 241<br />Cutting People Off<br />Be strong, because this isn't simple. Consider things like not cutting<br />people off before the idea comes out, helping make people's comments<br />succinct and pointed, and above all hewing to the original time slot<br />agreed on.<br />One more very important point: Cutting people off requires that you<br />always save face for them before the members of your group. Graceful<br />outs, with some humor, like:<br />"You're really wound up in this, aren't you, Susan?" before you say<br />you have to move on takes care of Susan's zeal and commitment and lets<br />her off with an excuse. Always give a preface before you peremptorily<br />end someone talking.<br />Use a flip chart with your agenda and time allotments on it. Blaming<br />your cut-off on that inanimate, objective page made by group decision<br />will usually get you right off the hook.<br />If the subject brought up is irrelevant, say:<br />"Sounds like another agenda item to me. Will you please save it and<br />bring it up for the next meeting? Please send me a memo on it."<br />This is better than saying something harsh or denigrating about<br />irrelevance and makes the gaffe a plus instead.<br />Increasing Participation<br />"Sorry, folks, but we have only two more minutes on this. Let's hear<br />from . . ."is not a good idea.<br />Putting someone on the spot who hasn't spoken can be dangerous.<br />He/she may have nothing to say or be so intimidated by what has gone<br />before that he can't speak. It's best to ask if anyone else has something<br />to say. You know your movers and opposers. Lead them to start, but be<br />careful how you spotlight the non-participants.<br />For reluctant participants<br />For followers or bystanders, ask them to comment by saying, "Let's<br />hear from X, Y, and then Z (the follower) on this," giving Z plenty of<br />warning to come up with something, yet not asking him/her to be first.<br />Another way to activate those silent types is to focus people on a<br />specific aspect you want them to talk about:<br />"Nina, costs are your department. Why don't you help us out with<br />that?"<br />Try talking to them during a break to get a fix on what they're<br />242 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />thinking. Then you could say how valuable an idea that is (strengthening<br />them) and that you'd like them to share it with the group when you<br />reconvene.<br />Controversial or dangerous subjects<br />For ticklish subjects where there may be general reluctance to speak<br />out, it helps to break into small groups of three even if your group isn't<br />that big. This is a safer environment for truth telling since the smaller<br />groups come back with a consensus report, avoiding individual exposure.<br />Just remember that not everyone is equally creative or comfortable.<br />Know your troops. At the meeting itself, ask of them only what you know<br />they can give. Delegate specific assignments for reports, in advance, to<br />those reluctant dragons who can't improvise in order to get total<br />participation.<br />Getting Agreement<br />Voting publicly can be tricky; it broadcasts opinions that people may<br />not want public. They may equivocate or change their vote. There's also<br />the age-old phenomenon of wanting to be part of the group. Watching<br />how many and whose hands go up affects what you say and vote for<br />publicly.<br />If you want a real reflection of how people feel about an issue, use a<br />secret paper-ballot form of voting. If you've discussed a subject to death<br />and everyone has pretty well made their views clear, the consensus is<br />usually obvious and doesn't need a formal vote; controversial or potentially<br />damaging issues do. Sometimes it helps to start the discussion with<br />a secret ballot to find out the group's mental set. We're funny about<br />telling the truth—many forces change what and how much we'll tell out<br />loud.<br />Getting Group Attention<br />Meetings can become unruly, especially when they get overheated<br />and several people talk at once. It requires a louder voice than theirs to<br />be heard and get people calmed down. Use it. "Okay," "Hey, people, "<br />"Hold it"—informal, relaxed, but firm. Don't get heavy-handed and<br />"bossy." That's a sign of weakness and feeling out of control. Just set up<br />the rules at the beginning and remind them by saying again why it can't<br />work this way and what your goals are.<br />To introduce each new item and get attention for it, remember to<br />Meetings 243<br />present it first in terms of the effect on and use to the group. The old<br />self-interest theme . . . But let me say that in the evolution of a group<br />there comes a time where self-interest becomes equated with group<br />interest. It can still break down by section or division, though. There's<br />always a hook that differentiates your and my self-interest.<br />To start a new subject and get everyone involved, you might poll the<br />group verbally at the beginning of a discussion, going around the table to<br />hear everyone's thoughts on that specific issue (sometimes referred to as<br />the Delphi technique). This can focus the ensuing discussion: find out<br />what the group really thinks so far; surface the main objections or<br />misconceptions. It's a good ice-breaker, forcibly making everyone a<br />participant, even for a little while.<br />Handling Egos and Conflict<br />Self-control is the key here. Don't blow up at anyone at a meeting.<br />Rather, use your energies to recognize why something negative is<br />happening. Ask yourself: "What is he really saying?" "What does she<br />really want or need right now?" If you focus on the inner agenda, too, in<br />order to understand the outward manifestation, you can usually handle<br />any situation. People universally need recognition and stroking of one<br />sort or another, especially before their peers and by their boss. Before or<br />while you deliver any bitter pill, give an antidote.<br />In one-on-one confrontations between two members, use:<br />"You know, I don't think this discussion is helpful (constructive,<br />relevant) in getting us to our goal, which you'll remember was to decide<br />X. Let's focus a little more tightly here."<br />Personal Skills for Meeting Participants<br />You want to make useful, commendable contributions and to gain the<br />respect and esteem of your fellow workers by what they see and hear you<br />do at a meeting. But you also very much want to be noticed by the boss<br />and key others.<br />You aren't normally visible in your work. This is your chance.<br />Be Prepared<br />Know who'll be at the meeting, if at all possible. Try to anticipate<br />their point of view and what they'll probably say. Do all the research<br />suggested in the boss's memo about the meeting, plus anything else you<br />can glean from others. Try to understand the ramifications to your<br />244 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />department or the firm of what's being proposed. Find out about what's<br />happening in the field. Read professional journals, newspaper and<br />magazine articles so you always have a rare bit of extra information to<br />contribute. Getting ahead means getting ahead of the pack in how you<br />work and what you know.<br />Look Confident and Interested<br />No one knows how nervous you are or how out of a discussion you<br />may feel. You can look as though you're listening and concentrating even<br />though your heart's beating fast. Be careful about fidgeting with your<br />things or in your seat. Doodling isn't helpful. Taking notes is better. If<br />you find yourself getting bored or dozing ofF, get up and get a cup of<br />coffee or go out of the room for a few minutes. Movement and a change<br />help get you back in gear.<br />Speak Up<br />If you have trouble getting the courage to speak up, go back to<br />Chapter 7, How to Make Memorable Speeches. On page 00 I spoke<br />about stage fright. Read it again. It'll help you speak up at a meeting,<br />something you must do if anyone's ever going to get to know you and<br />your capabilities.<br />Since you know what the agenda's going to be, get an idea or two<br />formed in your mind. Do a little research. Some people like to discuss<br />things with a friend or two to get a reaction. Don't come in prepared to<br />make a major speech the first time! But do take a small step till you feel<br />comfortable enough to begin to improvise and think at your seat. The<br />more attentively you listen to others at the meeting, the more you'll find<br />things to add that are uniquely your own.<br />Footnote: Be careful not to talk if you have nothing to say or add! It's<br />not how often you talk as much as what you say that matters and<br />impresses.<br />Ask Questions<br />Another way to be heard is to ask questions. Not off-the-wall but<br />questions for further clarification or information. This makes you sound<br />interested and smart (if you ask good questions) and allows you still to<br />participate when you don't have a lot to contribute.<br />Meetings 245<br />Be a Team Player<br />Be careful not to see a meeting as a solo performance. Everyone's<br />trying to be heard. Don't monopolize the conversation. If you have<br />disagreed with a solution that finally gets group endorsement, be<br />graceful and forthright, saying:<br />"Well, you know I wasn't for this, but I will surely support it now<br />that everyone wants it. Since it was your idea, I'll want to come to you,<br />Sue, to be sure I understand it well and can help."<br />Sit in a Powerful Place<br />Sounds a bit predatory, but you should know that placement around<br />the table does affect people's response to you and also your incentive to<br />participate.<br />Sit with the powerful movers. If not, sit opposite them. Always try to<br />sit in the middle, where the general sense of action and involvement rubs<br />off and affects you. Sitting at the end or in the back has a look of being<br />outside the action. It can affect you that way, too.<br />// You're Criticized<br />Don't get defensive! This is a sign of weakness if not downright guilt!<br />Don't do it, especially with your boss. If you're attacked or criticized, the<br />big thing is to get it out of the public arena. Go for further information—<br />both giving and getting.<br />Try lines like:<br />"I see what you're saying. There are some other issues you should<br />know about. I don't want to waste the group's time with them. After the<br />meeting, let me share them with you."<br />You maintain your dignity and promise a rethink, with an open<br />mind, while giving the boss or co-worker more data to change his/her<br />mind—in private.<br />Ask questions to make your critic be more specific:<br />"I appreciate your critique. It would really help me if you explained<br />just what aspect didn't work. I'd like to come and see you after the<br />meeting."<br />This shows you as reasonable, willing to learn, and eager to do a good<br />job, as well as strong and unintimidated by criticism.<br />Now let's consider some functional issues—techniques for developing<br />and managing meetings well.<br />246 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />CREATING AND LEADING EFFECTIVE MEETINGS<br />Planning<br />Define Objectives<br />Give or get information Resolve conflict<br />Problem solve Team building<br />Brainstorm Task force<br />Improve work processes Create<br />Take action Motivate<br />Explain policy change Inspire<br />These are some of the main reasons that meetings are called. It's very<br />helpful to get the objectives down to a minimal two- or three-word<br />essence. This makes you clarify the bottom line of what you really mean<br />to accomplish and helps sort out what process you need to apply to make<br />that happen.<br />Challenge Your Meeting<br />Question, before you plan your meeting, whether it's truly necessary.<br />Meetings get to be a habit and are called whenever an issue comes<br />up. Don't wear out their welcome from over-use. Always ask yourself, "Is<br />this the best way to accomplish my objective? Is there any other way?"<br />Creating the Agenda<br />The unique aspects of preparing an agenda for a meeting deal with<br />three issues—the number and positioning of items, time allotted, and<br />input from others.<br />Positioning<br />First—establish your priorities by deciding what the meeting is<br />basically for. Priorities should be based not only on importance but also<br />on urgency. Then decide the other items you wish to cover and list them.<br />Two issues affect what you do next:<br />• How many items you can realistically cover well, keeping the group<br />involved and the juices flowing. How many levels of intensity can you<br />put your group through—from the major to the peripheral details? Look<br />hard at what has to be done and what can wait.<br />Meetings 247<br />• How each issue affects the group you're inviting to the meeting.<br />This will give you the additional perspective you need in order to: see<br />what will get the group's attention; what has greatest relevance in their<br />eyes; to what will they respond, and how.<br />In order to motivate them to stay with the subjects and give their<br />best thinking to each, you need to think about what effect an issue will<br />have on your group)—negative, dangerous, challenging, helpful—and<br />balance your agenda.<br />Placement on Agenda<br />To create the order of your agenda items, think about whether you<br />start by getting the small items out of the way and then concentrate on<br />the biggies, or get to the most important issue right at the top, when<br />everyone is fresh, and deal with the less important issues afterwards, or<br />maybe not at this meeting.<br />• Small items<br />We need to understand the concept of building to a climax. // the<br />other items on the agenda are truly small and unimportant, and if you're<br />well disciplined about organizing what the essentials are, and if you can<br />move them out of the way efficiently, hewing to the time allotted like a<br />tenacious bulldog, then—and only then—is it okay to put them first so<br />you can spend the rest of the meeting dealing with the major problem.<br />However, the tendency is to get into the second layer on each of the<br />smaller issues and thus use too much time, wearing out the interest span<br />and creative energies of the participants.<br />It's useful when you have an important brainstorming session to be<br />economical about how you use the time. Look at those little items and<br />see if they need to be brought up to the whole group, or whether you can<br />dispose of them by memos or phone calls.<br />• Important issues<br />Consider the idea of starting with the main agenda item and putting<br />the little detail items last, if you must put them in at all. This is<br />particularly important if it's a meeting called on short notice where<br />everyone hasn't blocked out enough time and may have to leave<br />early.<br />Another thought is to call a meeting to discuss one item only. This<br />emphasizes its importance and the amount of time you wish everyone to<br />concentrate on it. We often clutter meetings with such disparate<br />material—some vital, some unimportant, some not relevant to the whole<br />248 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />group—that the very mix of the agenda invites frustration and inattention.<br />Time Allotment<br />• Reality<br />This is tough. The sense of time we all have is related to what the<br />number—5 minutes, 2 minutes—looks like it allows rather than a true<br />sense of the amount of time that number actually is worth.<br />One way to get better at this is to time discussions at meetings,<br />presentations, TV news pieces, commercials, etc., with a stopwatch to<br />discover exactly how much can be said in a very short space of time. You<br />can also discover it by reading aloud from this page to see how far you get<br />in ten seconds, thirty seconds, two minutes (it will surprise you). This<br />will give you a better sense of how much time is needed to make X<br />number of points. It will help you set realistic (and shorter) time<br />allotments for the items on your agenda. Try timing actual meeting<br />segments as well.<br />• Total time<br />Aside from the considerations of how much time you need to cover<br />the material, think of how people will respond to the total time for the<br />meeting. We get bored faster than fast these days, plus: You've taken<br />people from their daily tasks. They begin to watch the time disappear<br />and think about their tasks piling up. One and a half, maybe two hours<br />maximum is my suggestion unless the meeting is designed as a total<br />immersion brainstorming session, in which case breaks of fifteen to<br />twenty minutes several times a day become necessary.<br />Input from Others<br />To make people feel represented as you create your agenda, send a<br />memo around, when possible and appropriate, announcing the meeting<br />(start and probable finish time, place, date), telling what your main items<br />will be, and what they need to prepare. Then ask if they have any other<br />items they want to have considered. The benefits are:<br />• You start making your meeting truly participatory.<br />• You get others interested in the meeting before it happens and<br />they are better contributors when they get there.<br />• You have told them what you want to talk about and what to<br />prepare for, so they feel more comfortable, with less surprises.<br />Meetings 249<br />• You discover other issues or problems in your workplace that you<br />hadn't thought of, when they respond. You can then choose to<br />put such issues on this or succeeding agendas or smoke out more<br />of what they're all about before you decide what to do about<br />them.<br />• Getting agenda suggestions before the meeting rather than at it<br />let's you see where they would fit and how much time to allow.<br />It lets you consider if you want to deal with them privately,<br />rather than needing to turn people down publicly at the<br />meeting, if you ask for agenda suggestions there.<br />Designing and Implementing the Meeting<br />Physical Arrangements<br />Read the section in Chapter 4 on meeting arrangements again, using<br />the checklist on timing, time of day, the effects of where you meet, and<br />other physical and psychological needs to be considered (like feeding,<br />etc.). Don't ignore the obstacles these issues can create. They can<br />present major stumbling blocks if you don't handle them well, or they<br />can ensure the success of your meeting.<br />Personnel<br />Be aware of the effect of the meeting and the demands it will make.<br />Answer the following questions:<br />• Size of meeting?<br />• Who should come and why; what organizational levels? what<br />technical and functional expertise?<br />• The effect on the staff of whom you invite or don't?<br />• How should they prepare; what to bring? what to read?<br />• How much advance notice do they need?<br />• What should you provide for them in advance? At the meeting?<br />• How much input should you give them in shaping the agenda?<br />Implementation<br />Consider the effects of the following suggestions on your staff or<br />other invitees and the benefits that can be gained from some or all of<br />these procedures:<br />250 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Give adequate notice, in writing, of date, time, and place.<br />• Clarify what is expected; list objectives and agenda so they can<br />begin to think about the issues.<br />• Describe agenda; items, time allotted, purpose of item (discussion,<br />informational, decision making, progress report).<br />• Name who will make which presentation.<br />• List group preparation needs. Tell what to bring to meeting.<br />• Provide materials for preparation, if the information is new, or<br />yours.<br />• List meeting convener (for contact) and members invited.<br />• Ask for suggestions for additional items, in writing.<br />Leadership Techniques<br />Meetings may have a wide variety of objectives, such as surfacing<br />differences, parceling out work, sharing experiences, or brainstorming.<br />Here are a group of effective proven techniques for leading any kind of<br />meeting.<br />Warm-ups<br />• Start on time!<br />If you don't, you send a sloppy signal with an element in it of<br />forgiveness for irresponsible behavior. Teaching your group that<br />your meetings start exactly when you say they will, no matter who<br />is or isn't there, makes the group expect that you mean everything you<br />say and that you follow through that way. This sharpens others' work<br />habits.<br />• Establish group spirit<br />For group input and interaction, you need to create the right mental<br />set and environment in which to make things happen.<br />A few minutes of idle chatter turn out not to be idle at all. "How was<br />the vacation, Jack? I haven't seen you since you got back, " and similar<br />phrases, can result in some effusive, relaxed exchange. This can establish<br />a ripple effect of general kidding around, personal comments, friendly<br />interaction that reminds your group of their connection to each other and<br />how much of their lives they actually share daily.<br />Meetings 251<br />• Get everyone to talk<br />It's a good idea to get everyone involved at the beginning, making<br />them all get used to participating.<br />For general connectedness (after vacation; with a disparate group;<br />moving into a new position) you might go around the room and ask each<br />person to give a minute or a minute and a half about what's the most<br />important, interesting, or challenging thing happening in their job right<br />now. No great strain since it's short and impromptu, this opens people<br />up to each other for a moment and offers each one a chance to be<br />important and informative, giving them equal validity and a sense of<br />equal responsibility in sharing and participating. It also orients the group<br />a little to what's going on and to each other's work, extending those<br />informal opening charts.<br />For specific input you might structure this around a task at hand and<br />ask for a similar round-the-table report on where everyone is at the<br />moment.<br />Openings<br />Explain Goals and Agenda<br />The next step is to develop further group connectedness by focusing<br />on the meeting at hand. Using the original objectives you wrote,<br />describe what the meeting is about in general terms before you discuss<br />the detailed agenda. List your goals for the meeting and what results you<br />want to achieve by writing on the board or a flip chart. Then—go to the<br />agenda.<br />Make Agenda Visible<br />If you have already sent them the agenda and asked for their<br />additional input, your final agenda may be changed. Even if it's the<br />same, it should be made visible to all for discussion. Rather than handing<br />out private printed agendas, prepare one on a board or flip chart<br />complete with your time allotments. This focuses everyone on one<br />common piece of information. It underscores the order and process and<br />keeps the agenda visible to all throughout the meeting. It avoids having<br />people diverted by checking out their own printed agendas, and also<br />makes last-minute changes available and visible to all at once.<br />252 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Discuss Issues, Order, and Time Allotments<br />Discuss each agenda item. Document the reason it's there and the<br />results desired, for example, Solution, Information, Action Plan, etc.<br />This helps focus everyone, getting further suggestions from the group<br />and motivating people toward greater efficiency. It can also smoke out<br />some extra dimensions or details to add to a topic. If yours is a one-task<br />meeting, show an outline of the parameters of your discussion plan. Ask<br />for input about other dimensions.<br />Ask if they feel the time allotted is adequate. Letting them participate<br />in setting time limits for each discussion fosters self-discipline as each<br />item comes up. Ask for input about the scope of your items. Discuss<br />validity and priority. If you discover the suggestions are sizable, talk of<br />a second meeting to cover them and set the time right then if possible.<br />If you haven't asked for their suggestions in advance, you can do it<br />here.<br />Negotiate<br />Develop a little flexibility. Ask if anyone has to leave early. Negotiate<br />the order or time allotments to accommodate everyone, if possible.<br />Negotiating the items and the time they'll take starts to give people<br />the sense of participating. It shows that you, the meeting convener, are<br />responsive to their input and aware of their needs. Helping design what<br />the work of the meeting will be, they develop a vested interest in seeing<br />that it gets done. This process also gives you an opportunity for a few<br />public strokes, like:<br />"Glad you brought that up. That's an important aspect to think<br />about," or,<br />"That's your specialty, Doris. Need some input from you, especially,<br />on that. "<br />The Body of the Meeting<br />Now that the "housekeeping" is done and the meeting launched, the<br />discussion and interplay begins. How to keep the ball rolling to avoid<br />getting bogged down and to be sure everyone ends up on the same<br />wavelength?<br />Who Takes Notes and How<br />I suggest that all your meeting notes (minutes) use these four<br />organizational headings for each subject discussed:<br />Meetings 253<br />• What. A description of the item under discussion; the problem, the<br />ramifications, the goals, suggestions given.<br />• How. The action decided on. What steps will be taken, what they<br />will accomplish.<br />• Who. Who's responsible for what steps. Who reports to whom,<br />what is expected.<br />• When. Due dates, check-up dates, work-in-progress deadlines.<br />Taking meeting notes organized this way rather than randomly<br />ensures that the substance of the notes will be predictable and well<br />organized. It will also make for a consistent continuum from meeting to<br />meeting.<br />Assign Visual Charting<br />In addition, you should assign one person to take notes on a flip chart<br />in front of the room so they are clearly visible to all and completely<br />documented. These chart notes can then also be converted into notes for<br />circulation.<br />People agree to lots of things at a meeting, since the due date seems<br />so far away, etc. Watching the record being made causes people to<br />become much more realistic about promises and to consider more<br />carefully what they agree to do. This makes the final consensus much<br />more dependable as people troubleshoot the problems right at the<br />meeting before they agree to go on publicly recorded record.<br />Circulate the Notes<br />Ask the note taker to send the notes around to everyone for approval<br />and/or corrections, giving everyone the same complete record of what<br />happened.<br />Make Discussions Visual<br />Suggest to your presenters (if any) that they explain their subjects<br />with visuals or at the board or flip chart. Handouts should be a back-up,<br />to be given at the end of the meeting for personal study later. At the<br />meeting, keep the format public. (For more about visual aids, see<br />Chapter 5.)<br />254 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />Taking a Break<br />If it's a long meeting, find a logical place to take a break. Not the<br />lengthy fifteen-minute coffee break where everyone leaves the room<br />(unless it's a three-hour session), but an informal break in the proceedings<br />that feeds everyone and gives a bit of respite.<br />Let me illustrate this with a story:<br />When I began as a daily talk show host in Boston, guests arrived at<br />about 7:45 in the morning. No one had ever thought to feed them<br />beyond the proverbial cup of coffee. Yet we were asking a great deal of<br />them: early rising, giving out to me and an audience in a pressured<br />environment, and affording them very limited time to talk about their<br />favorite subject. Instituting a little tray of goodies made a tremendous<br />difference. It served to loosen people up, to become much more<br />comfortable and available and much less defensive and nervous. It<br />works!<br />Recap Each Segment<br />Don't leave any topic till you've gone over your What, How, Who,<br />When—the notes you've been writing on the board. This makes for a<br />true consensus, allowing for final discussion to clarify any points or argue<br />out the last problems that possibly remain.<br />Keep to the Time Allotments<br />Have a clock visible in your meeting area. Ask everyone to monitor<br />the clock as you remind them (and point out on your agenda on the flip<br />chart) of the time allotment for that item. Give two or three warnings<br />during a discussion, not just one. This gives people a chance to adjust<br />their presentation. Make the group a party to your need to end items and<br />move on.<br />Though others in the group may do it for you, generally the leader<br />is called upon to handle long-winded people. Try a gentle "I don't think<br />that's really relevant to this discussion, so in the interest of time, let's<br />table that for another meeting," or, "You know, that aspect isn't really<br />helpful to solving the problem at hand. Let's hold that. If it's an item you<br />want us to consider, bring it up for the next agenda." Always save face for<br />your people publicly.<br />Meetings 255<br />Closure<br />Clean-Up Time<br />Finish by a total recap with a special focus: "Are we all clear about<br />what we agreed to?" This is not the time for any more discussion, just<br />factual statements or questions.<br />Design Follow-Up Procedures<br />If more action is needed, make a clear, written plan on the board or<br />flip chart about who checks with whom and how that all gets filtered back<br />to you (or someone else)—a refinement of the action plan you decided on<br />in the body of the meeting. Get it written or you write it out to be sure<br />it's part of everyone's notes.<br />Create a Positive Environment for Troubleshooting<br />Making people feel that "I have spoken and therefore it shall be<br />done" precludes their ever wanting to open your door and say, "Hey,<br />this isn't working out."<br />Talk to the group about fallibility and about realistic expectations and<br />understanding. Tell them you want to know if things aren't working.<br />Discuss Process for Next Agenda Development<br />Take items not discussed or completed at this meeting and make<br />them the basis for starting the next agenda. Ask for add-ons from the<br />group while everyone's together thinking of group projects and problems.<br />This is also a great time to set up the next meeting.<br />Let Group Critique Meeting<br />Ask the whole group to critique the meeting. In any group, this<br />kind of rethinking and constructive criticism, a constructive, practical<br />look at the process, timing, techniques, subjects, and results, opens the<br />atmosphere and can make the group process more efficient. Group<br />self-criticism makes for a feeling of true participation in the meeting<br />process.<br />To close: Group interaction is hard and requires effort if it is to work<br />well.<br />256 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />• Everyone needs to learn how to listen, support, and disagree<br />constructively, and how to identify and account for predictable<br />behavior styles, to make meetings be the place where productive<br />discussions, solutions, and consensus happen and team members<br />maximize themselves.<br />• Having everyone participate when possible in some phase of the<br />planning, the subject matter, the time allowed, helps make the<br />group work together as a unit.<br />• Presentations should be made interesting, visual, creative, and<br />highly organized, with back-up materials given for further<br />thought after the meeting.<br />Leaders should lead, not overwhelm.<br />Participants should bring their best and share it.<br />Have we come to the very end? Not quite. I still have "the last<br />word."<br />10<br />THE LAST WORD<br />How to close? What lasting words can I leave with you that might<br />convey the essence of what it takes to communicate well in your work?<br />Perhaps this story:<br />A friend and television colleague of mine was flying across the<br />country and found himself seated next to that most distinguished<br />architect, I. M. Pei. My friend is from Boston where Mr. Pei's famous<br />John Hancock Building dominates the skyline, growing out of a corner of<br />venerable Copley Square. The square is also the home of two landmark<br />nineteenth-century architectural marvels: Trinity Church, a medievalstyled<br />wonder of multicolored granite, turrets, and spires, and the Italian<br />Renaissance-styled Boston Public Library, all Romanesque arches, gray<br />stone, and dignity. The John Hancock Building, the newcomer on this<br />scene, is a rhomboid-shaped soaring tower, completely sheathed in<br />reflective glass.<br />My friend loves architecture, so he seized the opportunity to discuss<br />something with Mr. Pei.<br />"You know," he said, "I always wondered why, flanked by those two<br />buildings of magnificent stone and granite, you sheathed the John<br />Hancock Building in glass?"<br />"Yes. Well, when you look into that glass, what do you see?"<br />"Why, I—I—see the two magnificent buildings!"<br />"Exactly."<br />Recognizing the value of those landmark buildings, Mr. Pei's intent<br />was to honor them by reflecting them first, making his architectural<br />statement connect with and include them.<br />Unless we can "see ourselves" in your communication, we will have<br />difficulty assimilating it.<br />257<br />258 HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN<br />To motivate us, your listeners at work, you need to know enough<br />about us to help us "see ourselves" in what you're talking about.<br />To capture and hold us, your communication must deal at our level,<br />reflecting our concerns. We absorb your ideas by how well you present<br />them and how hard you try to help us understand them.<br />Answering questions? We must see ourselves and the essence of our<br />question reflected in your answers.<br />Leading a meeting? Selling a product? Disagreeing with a client?<br />Reporting to the boss?<br />In every case, unless we "see ourselves" reflected in what you're<br />saying and doing, your communication is "for your eyes only."<br />All the techniques I have suggested to you in this book are variations<br />on this theme. They work because they start by including us. That's how<br />to talk so people listen.<br />A Personal Note<br />As I sat long hours writing this book, you were very much with me.<br />I saw you responding to what I was saying, I imagined when you'd be<br />startled, when you might disagree and need to be further convinced,<br />when you'd laugh or maybe look off and reflect on a thought. It's what<br />moved me to write more about something, to cut portions out, to stop<br />and try again.<br />So—I end reluctantly. There are so many more things I wanted to<br />tell you. So many times I wanted to show you, not just tell. But if in our<br />time together I stimulated you to rethink the processes by which you<br />communicate at work and to start trying some new ways, my work will<br />have reached its mark and I will rest easy.<br />Thanks for listening. Now it's your turn.<br />Index<br />Acceptance, 7, 9-10, 44, 190<br />Achievers, 4, 11, 14-15, 17-20, 128, 217,<br />237<br />Emotional Needs and, 62-63, 65-66<br />Acoustics, 185<br />Adrenal glands, 179<br />Affection, 7, 9-10<br />Affiliators, 4, 11, 15-19, 63-64, 128, 217,<br />237<br />Affirmation, 7, 9-10<br />Agenda, 127, 241, 244<br />creation of, 246-49<br />explanation of, 251<br />input from others and, 248—49<br />for next meeting, 255<br />placement on, 247-48<br />positioning on, 246-47<br />time allotment and, 248<br />visibility of, 251<br />Agreement, in meetings, 242<br />Amenities, 124-25<br />Analogies, 183<br />Anger, 102, 121, 126, 135-38, 208-9. See<br />also Hostility<br />Anonymous audience, 143<br />Anticipation, building of, 118<br />Anxiety, 173, 189, 191, 195<br />Attention, getting a group's, 242-43<br />Attention span, 35, 37, 103<br />Audience, 21-34. See also Listening<br />active, 21-22<br />anger of, 102<br />anticipation of, 118<br />attention span of, 35, 37, 103<br />Audience (cont.)<br />boredom of, 223<br />common experiences shared by, 24—25<br />discomfort of, 28-29<br />expectations of, 68, 70-71<br />familiar. See Familiar audience<br />feelings of, 142-44<br />Fore-Thought and, 53-56<br />forgotten, 21<br />frustration of, 101-2<br />getting started and, 179<br />goals of, 60-61<br />handouts for, 112-14<br />ignorance of, 46, 102<br />information needs of, 151<br />involvement of, 168-71<br />knowledge of, 151-52<br />needs of, 22-23, 65-67<br />passivity of, 222-23<br />power of, 192, 194-95<br />profile of, 145-47<br />question-and-answer period and, 191-211<br />self-interest of, 53<br />speaker's feelings toward, 176-77<br />unfamiliar. See Unfamiliar audience<br />visual materials techniques and, 117-18<br />written speeches and, 156-57<br />Authenticity of speakers, 27<br />Awareness, 13<br />Back-up equipment, 186-87<br />Bio-rhythms, 81-82<br />Blackboards, 116, 117<br />Body language, 40-43, 125-26, 235<br />259<br />260<br />Body of meetings, 252-53<br />Bonded audience, 144<br />Bonding, 122<br />Boredom, 38, 98, 223<br />Bosses, 79, 83, 87<br />power sharing and, 127-29<br />question-and-answer period with, 211-21<br />Brain, human, 97-99, 202<br />Brainstorming, 247<br />Breakfast, 83, 90-91<br />Breathing, 207<br />Building on ideas, 235, 238<br />Building to a climax, 247<br />"Build" system, 116-17<br />Bystanders, 231, 232<br />Car-pooling, 83<br />Challenged audience, 144<br />Charismatic leaders, 17<br />Charts, 116<br />Chronology, 99, 111, 116<br />Clarification, 138-39, 191, 199, 210<br />Clarity, 131, 182-83<br />Clean-up time, 255<br />Close-Up, 100<br />Closure of meetings, 255-56<br />Coercion, audience and, 147—48<br />Coffee breaks, 150, 254<br />Coffee drinking, in one-on-one encounters,<br />124-25<br />Color(s), 115, 117, 163<br />Commercials, rhythm of, 38<br />Communication. See also specific topics<br />basics of, 21-22, 34-36, 40-47. See also<br />Listening; Telling<br />changes in, 31—34<br />reasons for problems in, 4-8<br />requirements for, 8<br />Communication strategies, 48-52. See also<br />Fore-Thought<br />Communication style, 2, 13, 18, 31, 36<br />Comparison, 190, 212, 226<br />Competition, 45, 190<br />Competitive audience, 143<br />Complex speakers, 28<br />Compliments, 199<br />Conclusion of presentations, 108-9<br />Conditioning, answering questions and, 189,<br />215<br />Conference rooms, meetings in, 88<br />Confidence, 27, 244<br />Conflict, 225, 243. See also Anger;<br />Disagreement; Hostility<br />Consensus, developing, 227<br />Consequences, 190<br />Constructive criticism, 255<br />Contact, 122<br />Content<br />controversial or dangerous, 242<br />of one-on-one encounters, 119, 126-32<br />of presentations, 106-7<br />of questions, 216<br />scheduling and, 84, 91-92<br />of speeches, 153-54, 171-74<br />Continuity, lack of, 37<br />Control, 194-95, 208<br />Controversial subjects, 242<br />Counter-punch, 218<br />Co-workers, 13, 24-25. See also Audience<br />Creative speakers, 27<br />Critical questions, 217-20<br />Criticism, 132-34, 245, 255<br />Critiques, group, 255<br />Curiosity, 234<br />Current events, 168<br />Cutting people off, 241<br />Dangerous subjects, 242<br />Data. See Information<br />Debates, avoiding, 200<br />Defensiveness, 206, 218<br />Denial, 5-7, 10-11<br />Details, in speeches, 171<br />Diagrams, 187<br />Dialogues, 22, 24, 201<br />Disagreement, 192-94, 210, 219, 239-40<br />Disappointment, 173<br />Discovery, 13<br />Discussion, in one-on-one encounters, 130-<br />32<br />Disenfranchised audience, 143<br />Distractions, meeting time and, 83-84<br />Dramatization, in speeches, 174<br />Education level, of audience, 146<br />Egos, 243<br />Eloquence, 176, 191<br />Emotional Needs, 57-58, 61-68, 75<br />Empathy, 59<br />Emphasis, 184<br />Endings of speeches, 174-75<br />Energy level, 157, 180<br />Energy patterns, 81-82<br />Entrepreneurs, 15<br />Environments for meetings, 85-88, 116,<br />186, 196-97<br />Index 261<br />Ethnic differences, in audience, 146<br />Exciting speakers, 27<br />Exhilaration, 196<br />Expectations, 57-58, 68-74, 193<br />Experiences, shared, 24-25, 166—67<br />Exploitation, 195-96<br />Exposure, fear of, 224—25<br />Extemporizers, 158. See also Notes<br />Eye contact, 40, 41, 112, 126, 160, 170, 186<br />Factual examples, in speeches, 172<br />Familiar audiences, 54-55, 147<br />Familiarity, need for, 45<br />Fear(s), 205-6, 212, 214, 224-25<br />Feelings, 30<br />about learning, 43-45<br />answering questions and, 194-96<br />of audience, 142-44<br />detachment from, 5—7<br />Fore-Thought and, 57-58, 61-68<br />meeting problems and, 224-26<br />socialization process and, 5—6<br />of speakers, 176—77<br />Flexibility, speeches and, 155-56<br />Flip charts, 116, 117<br />Focus, of meetings, 240<br />Followers, 230-32<br />Follow-up, 139, 169, 255<br />Foregone conclusions, 224<br />Fore-Thought, 52-77, 108, 194<br />Formal speakers, 28<br />Friendliness of speakers, 27<br />Frustration of audience, 101-2<br />Glossaries, 117<br />Goals<br />of meetings, 78-80, 91-92, 246, 251<br />of one-on-one encounters, 127<br />of secretaries, 93<br />shared, as openings for speeches, 167<br />Grandstanding, 223<br />Greetings, 120-21<br />Group critiques, 255<br />Group questioning, 169, 204<br />Group self-critique, 227<br />Handouts, 112-14, 213, 216<br />Hands, body language and, 125-26<br />Handshakes, 120-21<br />Hard-nosed realist role, 153<br />Holidays, 80<br />Honesty of speakers, 27<br />Hostility, 126, 148, 194, 205-11<br />Hosts, suggestions for, 123-25, 130-31<br />Humanizing speeches, 173-74<br />Humor, 72-73, 203-5<br />Hunger, 82-83<br />Hyper-intense speakers, 29<br />Identity, 8-9, 15<br />Ignorance of audience, 46, 102<br />Images, 12-13, 183<br />Imagination, individual, 32, 38-39, 111<br />Impatience, 126<br />Implementation of meetings, 249-50<br />Important issues on agenda, 247—48<br />Impotence, sense of, 206<br />Improvisation, 48-50, 52<br />Inattention, 37<br />Indents, in notes and outlines, 163—64<br />Indifference of audience, 148-49<br />Influences, 4, 11, 16-19, 63-64, 66-67,<br />129, 217, 237<br />Information<br />absorption of, 100-1<br />adding, 192, 204<br />audience's need for, 151<br />boredom and, 38<br />lack of, 200-1, 206<br />logical progression of, 99-100<br />in visual materials, 116-17<br />power and, 201<br />reinforcement of, 35<br />sharing at meetings, 226<br />small talk and, 122<br />viewer vetoing of, 38<br />in visual materials, 116<br />Informational questions, 215-17<br />Information-processing systems opposing,<br />101<br />Inspiration of speakers, 27<br />Inspirer role, 152<br />Instincts, 30, 202<br />Integration, meetings and, 226<br />Intensity, 39<br />Interest, 148, 167, 244. See also Selfinterest<br />Interesting speakers, 27<br />Interpretation of body language, 42-43<br />Interpretations, 6<br />Intimidation, learning and, 44-45<br />Introductions, 103-4<br />Irrelevant messages, 29<br />Isolation, hostility and, 206<br />Judgment, suspending, 19, 234-35<br />262<br />Kantor, David, 229<br />Kennedy, John F., 18<br />Labels, 117<br />Language. See also Words<br />body. See Body language<br />clarity of, 182-83<br />simplification of, 182-83<br />speeches and, 182-85<br />unclear, 102<br />verbal vs. nonverbal, 40-43, 45-47<br />written, 32, 156<br />Larger audience, 55, 77<br />Last lines, 174-75<br />Leaders<br />group listening aided by, 236<br />meeting behavior of, 233<br />meeting personalities and, 229-32<br />natural, 229<br />personal skills for, 240-43<br />power of, 223-24<br />techniques for, 250-56<br />Leadership of bosses, 211-12<br />Leading, 135<br />Learning, peoples feelings about, 43—45<br />Leave-behinds, 112-14, 213, 216<br />Lecterns, 181, 185-86<br />Lighting, 116, 186<br />Listening, 1, 21-34, 46, 131, 223, 233-36,<br />238, 239. See also Audience<br />motivation for, 23-34<br />in question-and-answer period, 198-99<br />Lists, in notes and outlines, 163<br />Local occasions, as openings for speeches,<br />168<br />Logic of presentations, 97, 99-100, 103, 108<br />Long Shot, 99, 100<br />Love, 15<br />Lunch meetings, 89-90, 149<br />Manipulated audience, 143<br />Manipulation, 16, 19-20<br />Medium Shot, 100<br />Meetings, 78-95, 222-56. See also Oneon-<br />one encounters; Presentations<br />appointment-making for, 91-95<br />basic communication skills for, 233-45<br />content of, 84-85, 91-92, 94<br />effective, creating and leading, 246—56<br />goals of, 78-80<br />leaders of. See Leaders<br />length of, 80, 91<br />participants in. See Participants<br />Meetings (cont.)<br />personalities at, 228-32<br />preparation for, 78-80<br />presentations at. See Presentations<br />reasons for, 226-27<br />scheduling of, 81-91<br />what goes wrong and why at, 222—28<br />Microphones, 185<br />Mistakes, admitting, 219<br />Money, 10-11, 15, 44<br />Monologues, 21<br />Monotonous speakers, 28<br />Motivation, 7-11<br />for listening, 23-34<br />one-on-one encounters and, 129<br />presentations and, 105<br />for questions, 216<br />for telling, 22-23<br />for work, 8-11, 13-20<br />Movers, 229, 232<br />Multi-messages, 41-42<br />Names, first, 121<br />Neatness of visual materials, 118<br />Needs<br />of audience, 22-23<br />emotional, Fore-Thought and, 57-58, 61-<br />68<br />of secretaries, 93<br />Negotiation, 252<br />Nervousness, 29, 195, 244<br />Neutral territory, 88, 124<br />News stories, 34-35<br />"No-blame" issue, 51, 69-70<br />Non-judgmental disagreement, 240<br />Non-listening, process of, 233-34<br />Non-verbal communication, 40-43. See also<br />Body language<br />Notes, 157-64, 252-53<br />circulation of, 253<br />colors in, 163<br />eye contact and, 160<br />listening and, 235<br />lists in, 163<br />for question-and-answer period with<br />bosses, 213<br />short words in, 160<br />spaces and indents in, 163-64<br />symbols in, 160-62<br />typed vs. handwritten, 164<br />whole pages for, 159-60<br />Objective Goals, 57-61, 67<br />Index 263<br />Observation(s), 59, 131-32, 235<br />Offices, meetings in, 86-88<br />One-on-one encounters, 119-41. See also<br />Bosses, question-and-answer period<br />with; Hosts; Visitors<br />checklist for, 140-41<br />closure of, 119, 138-41<br />communications strategy for, 49—52<br />Openers for, 119-26<br />special issues in, 119, 132-38<br />substance of, 119, 126-32<br />Openings of meetings, 246, 251<br />Openings of speeches, 164-68<br />Openness of speakers, 27<br />Opposers, 229-30, 232<br />Opposition figures, 206<br />Oral presentations, 102-3<br />Oral speeches, 154-58<br />Order of presentation, 97, 99-100, 103-9<br />Outlines, 159-64<br />Pace, 31-33, 175, 184<br />Parents, 5-6<br />Participants. See also Audience meeting behavior<br />of, 233<br />personal skills for, 243-45<br />reluctant, 241-42<br />Participation, increasing, 241, 251<br />Passion, hostility and, 205<br />Passivity, 32, 36, 143, 222-23<br />Patronizing speakers, 29<br />Peers. See also Co-workers power sharing<br />and, 128-29<br />Pei, I. M., 257<br />Performance, 155, 191<br />Performance reviews, 215, 217<br />Personal attacks, 209, 219-20<br />Personal interest of audience, 148<br />Personalities. See also Work personalities<br />at meetings, 228-32<br />Personalized power, 16, 17<br />Personalizing speeches, 173-74<br />Personal skills, 240-45<br />Personal space, 85-86<br />Personal style, 2<br />going against, 19-20<br />of speaker, 26-27<br />of speeches, 175-81<br />Personnel for meetings, 249<br />Person-to-person approach. Sec also Oneon-<br />one encounters<br />to appointment making, 92-93<br />Physical arrangements, 249<br />Pleasure, power and, 212<br />Podiums, 181<br />Politics, audience and, 148<br />Pompous speakers, 28<br />Power<br />of followers, 230-31<br />of leaders, 223-24<br />meeting location and, 86-88<br />as motive, 16—17<br />of other people, 9<br />of participants, 245<br />question-and-answer period and, 189,<br />192, 194-95, 201<br />sharing of, 127-29<br />sitting and, 123-24<br />of speakers, 192, 194-95, 205<br />Practicality, of meeting goals, 79<br />"Pre-meetings," 80<br />Preparation<br />for meetings, 78-80<br />of participants, 243—44<br />for question-and-answer period, 193-96<br />for question-and-answer period with<br />bosses, 213-14<br />Presentations, 102-3, 142-87. See also<br />Speeches<br />audience feelings and, 142-44<br />checklist for, 109<br />designing of, 96-118, 150-54<br />leave-behinds and, 112-14<br />logic of, 97, 99-100, 103, 108<br />order of, 104-9<br />planning of, 145-50<br />Priorities of secretaries, 93<br />Prior relationships, meetings and, 225<br />Privacy, answering questions and, 190<br />Probable Expectations, Fore-Thought and,<br />57-58, 68-75<br />Problem-solving strategy, 50-52, 65<br />Process, speech content and, 171<br />Professional level of audience, 145-46<br />Profiles, audience, 145-47<br />Public image, 12-13<br />Put Upon audience, 143<br />Questions (questioning: question-and-answer<br />period), 91, 109, 188-221<br />answering, basic principles of, 188-96.<br />See also Techniques, for answering<br />questions<br />audience and, 169, 170, 191-211<br />with bosses, 211-21<br />disagreement and, 239<br />264<br />Questions (cont.)<br />group, 169<br />hostility in, 205-11<br />of participants, 244<br />rhetorical, 170<br />Rapport, establishing, 214<br />Reading, 32<br />by audience, during presentations, 112-<br />13<br />Reagan, Ronald, 18<br />Recaps, 107, 138-39, 184, 254<br />Recognition, 7, 18-19<br />Regular attendance, of audience, 149<br />Relationships, 6—7<br />Relaxation, 200<br />Repetition, 184<br />Respect, 199, 212, 239<br />Rhetorical questions, 170<br />Role play, 220-21<br />Room layout, 186<br />Rush hours, 83<br />Scope of meeting goals, 79<br />"Seat-of-the-pants" method, 48-50<br />Secretaries, 92-95<br />Security, 10-11, 157, 158<br />Self-confidence, 17, 179-80<br />Self-destructive behavior, 12<br />Self-help books, 17<br />Self-interest, 23-25, 29, 31, 53<br />Self-protection, 206<br />Self-spirit, 5, 23, 52<br />Setting of presentations, 150<br />Sex of audience, 145<br />Share/guide role, 152<br />Shock, 39<br />Silence, use of, 184<br />Sitting, 123-25<br />Slides, 116-17<br />Smaller audience, 56<br />Smaller items on agenda, 247<br />Small talk, 121-23, 125<br />Smiling, 121<br />Socialization, 5-6<br />Socialized power, 16, 17<br />Socioeconomic level of audience, 146<br />Space, 41, 85-86, 180<br />Spaces, in notes and outlines, 163—64<br />Specificity, 133, 218, 239-40<br />Speeches, 150-87<br />checklist for, 185-86<br />language of, 182-85<br />Speeches (cont.)<br />organization, 153-54<br />of participants, 244<br />personal style of, 175-81<br />positioning of, 150—53<br />techniques for, 164-75<br />time requirements of, 187<br />written, 154-58<br />Speech rhythm, 41-42<br />Sports, 17-18<br />Stage fright, 177-79, 244<br />Stages, 185<br />Status, 8-9, 44<br />Stress, 179<br />Stuffy speakers, 28<br />Subject matter. See Content<br />Subjects. See Content<br />Suggestions, asking for, 218<br />Summoned person, Fore-Thought and, 74-<br />75<br />Supporting, 236-39<br />Surprise, 71-72<br />Survival methods, 5-7, 30<br />Symbols, in notes and outlines, 160-62<br />Synthetic speakers, 28<br />"Talking head" taboo, 35-36<br />Team players, participants as, 245<br />Techniques<br />for answering questions, 196—205<br />for appointment making, 91-95<br />for disagreeing, 239-40<br />for handling hostility, 207-11<br />to improve listening, 234-35<br />leadership, 250-56<br />for speeches, 164—75<br />for supporting, 237-39<br />of telling, 34-40<br />visual materials, 117-18<br />Technology, 32-33<br />Television, 31, 33-40<br />TelePrompTer, 36<br />Television, 34-40, 99-100<br />Telling (teller)<br />credentials of, 29-30<br />motivation for, 22-23<br />motivation for listening and, 25-34<br />in one-on-one encounters, 129-30<br />one-sided nature of, 21-22<br />oral speeches and, 157—58<br />presentations and, 98, 99<br />roles of, 152-53<br />showing vs., 110-12, 114<br />Index 265<br />Telling (cont.)<br />subjects which need, 111-12<br />techniques for, 34-40<br />written speeches and, 157<br />Thinking, 30, 97-98, 179<br />Time(s)<br />allotment of, 248, 252, 254<br />buying, in question-and-answer period,<br />201-3<br />communication changes and, 31-32<br />for meetings, 89-91<br />of meetings, 149-50<br />for meetings, 79-85, 89-91, 127, 149<br />for question-and-answer period, 204<br />for speeches, 187<br />starting on, 250<br />television and, 35<br />Timing, meeting goals and, 79-80<br />Topics, in speeches, 172-73<br />Transitions, 103-4, 107, 172-73<br />Transparent overlays, 116—17<br />Troubleshooting, 255<br />Trust, 25-26, 30, 202<br />Truth, 35, 134-35, 200-1, 216-17, 230<br />Turf considerations, 86-88, 108<br />Underlining, 162-63<br />Unenergized speakers, 28<br />Unsure speakers, 29<br />Usefulness, 9, 15, 44, 224<br />Vacations, 80<br />Vague speakers, 28<br />Value(s), 167-68, 238<br />Verbal vs. non-verbal communication, 40-43<br />Visibility, answering questions and, 190<br />Visitors, 122-25, 130-31<br />Visual materials, 2, 31-34, 110-18, 154,<br />172, 253-54<br />agenda and, 251<br />color of, 115, 117<br />Visual materials (cont.)<br />consistency of, 117<br />form follows function with, 114-15<br />guidelines for, 114-17<br />handouts, 112-14<br />in one-on-one encounters, 129-30<br />organized and neat, 118<br />placement and scale considerations for,<br />116<br />for question-and-answer period with<br />bosses, 213<br />reasons for use of, 110<br />requirements for, 186<br />self-explanatory, 117<br />simplicity of, 115<br />subjects which need, 110-11<br />techniques for, 117-18<br />television and, 35<br />telling vs., 110-12, 114<br />words as, 183<br />Volunteers from audience, 170—71<br />Voting, 242<br />Warmth of speakers, 27<br />Warm-ups, for meetings, 250-51<br />Women, 11, 120-21<br />Words, 45-47<br />effects of not understanding, 46-47<br />short, in notes and outlines, 160<br />unfamiliar, 102<br />visual use of, 183<br />vs. movement, 42-43<br />Work<br />listening as, 22<br />motivation for, 8-11, 13-20<br />Work habits, 84, 85, 87, 94<br />Work personalities, 4, 13-20. See also<br />Achievers; Affiliators; Influencers<br />motivating forces and, 11<br />use of, 18-19<br />Written speeches, 154-58animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-6419545774679229132010-09-20T08:11:00.000-07:002010-09-20T08:12:40.930-07:00bab 1 writingCHAPTER I<br />INTRODUCTION<br /><br />This chapter discusses information on background which elaborates basic thought of why this research is administered; research questions; aims of the research; scope of the research; hypothesis; significance of the research; research methodology which covers research design, population and sample, and data collection; clarification of terms; and organization of paper.<br /><br />A. Background<br />The selection of appropriate and functional teaching material in classroom has become important since it serves as main source of input for the students. As argued by Sanchez and Valcarcel (1999, cited in Hoober & Moore, 2001), textbook is a major source of materials used in teaching. However, textbooks are considered to have some weaknesses as discussed by Crawford (2002, as cited in Iskandaryan 2005). She states that textbooks do not offer real language models and do not provide real language context. Moreover, textbooks reduce the teachers’ role in the classroom from the classroom managers to the teachers that rely on other people’s ideas (Crawford, 2002 as cited in Iskandaryan, 2005).<br />Due to the weaknesses of textbooks as above discussed, then authentic materials can potentially become alternative to support learning beside textbook. Despite their disadvantages as a burden for the teachers and the students since they contain difficult vocabularies, culturally biased, and the preparation could be time consuming (Martinez, 2002; Jacobson et al., 2003), they offer real language examples which are used in real life context. They also can increase students’ motivation and interest so that they can help the students to have deeper understanding in the topic discussed. On the other hand, they support language learning environment in which exposure to target language is needed as in first language acquisition. Previous findings about the use of authentic materials have shown that they can increase students’ comprehension skills, oral and written language performance, and make ESL class activity more joyful as well create more positive attitude in learning (Kelly et al., 2002). <br /> Moreover, the authentic materials enable the students to practice mini-skills such as scanning in reading, predicting missing word, and getting gist in writing, listening, and reading (Martinez, 2002; Berardo, 2006). Furthermore, they enable the teachers giving the students pedagogical support to create supporting learning environment and provide opportunity to encourage the students to learn according to their needs and interests (Martinez, 2002; Jacobson, et al., 2003)<br />Authentic materials also help teachers introduce the students to various types of text, language styles, and new vocabularies (Jacobson et al., 2003). At the same time they make learning reading and writing easier, better, and more meaningful (Jacobson et al., 2003). By using them, a teacher can present the students integrated skills and creative approaches in teaching (Oxford 2001, as cited in Walker 1997). In addition, they help a teacher create a non-threatening environment (Young, 2003 as cited in Su, 2008; Tarnopolsky & Degtiariova, 2003). <br />To note down the research, previous research in the use of authentic materials in writing in Indonesian context have been conducted by other English Department students (Ekaningtias, 2007; Laxmi, 2008; Maula, 2008). The result of the experiments showed that authentic material can improve students’ ability in writing particularly in terms of vocabulary and idea. <br />Referring to the problems and theories above discussed, this quasi experimental research tried to investigate whether or not the use of authentic materials is effective in improving students’ writing skills on procedural text. This research also tried to investigate the students’ responses toward the treatments using authentic materials in writing procedural text. <br />B. Research Questions<br />This research proposed two research questions as follows:<br />1. Are students’ writing skills in procedural text significantly improve through the use of authentic materials?<br />2. What are the advantages and obstacles of using authentic materials in writing procedural text perceived by the students?<br /><br /><br /><br />C. Aims of the Research<br />The aims of this research based on the research questions were:<br />1. To investigate the improvement of the students’ writing skills in procedural text through the use of authentic materials.<br />2. To investigate the advantages and obstacles of using authentic materials in writing procedural text perceived by the students.<br />D. Scope of the Research<br />This research focused on the implementation of authentic materials in writing procedural text to the eleventh grade students of vocational school. Furthermore, this research investigated the students’ responses about the advantages and obstacles of using authentic materials in writing procedural text. Authentic materials in this research refer to any texts or non-texts which are designed not for language teaching but for the native speakers of the language. <br />More importantly, since procedure text is taught to the eleventh grader of vocational school, two classes from ten classes of eleventh grade students at an agricultural vocational school in Kuningan were involved as sample using purposive sample technique. Context, organization, and presentation strategies were elements of writing skills which were observed as part of writing assessment. <br /><br /><br /><br />E. Hypothesis<br /> Specifically, this research was directed to accept alternative hypothesis namely the use of authentic materials was effective in improving students’ writing skills on procedural text. There was a significant difference between the students who were assigned the authentic materials and who were not. The authentic materials likely improve the students’ writing skills on context, organization, and presentation strategies. <br /> The alternative hypothesis was examined using independent t-test by comparing the result of tobtained and tcriteria. If tobt > tcrit, the hypothesis is not rejected which means there is a significant difference between control group and experimental group. If tobt < tcrit, the hypothesis is rejected which means there is no significant differences between experimental and control group (Coolidge, 2000). The formula of the alternative hypothesis is as follows:<br />H1: µ experimental group ≠ µ control group<br />F. Significance of the Research<br />It was expected that this research would give positive effect for both the students and teachers in teaching and learning process theoretically, professionally, and practically. First, the students could learn from various resources of authentic materials which offer real language used in real context. Second, the students would have great interest and motivation in learning English through the authentic materials given. Third, the English teachers could improve students’ writing skill through authentic materials, specifically in writing procedural text. Fourth, this research could support previous research of authentic materials in Indonesian context particularly.<br />G. Research Methodology<br />1. Research Design <br /> Pre-test post-test design of quasi experimental research was employed in conducting this research. According to Fraenkel and Wallen (1990) this experimental design is described as follows:<br />Table 1.1 Pre-test Post-test Design<br />Group Pre-test Treatment Post-test<br />Experimental Group (A) √ x √<br />Control Group (B) √ - √<br /> A√ : Pre-test/post-test of the experimental group<br /><br />x : Treatment for the experimental group<br /><br />B√ : Pre-test/post-test for the control group<br />2. Population and Sample <br /> This research was conducted in one of agricultural vocational school in Kuningan. The population of this research was all of the eleventh grade students in the vocational school which are clustered into ten classes. Of the tenth, two classes were taken as sample purposively as the experimental and control groups. The criteria of the sample selections namely the students are the eleventh graders at the same level and they have not introduced yet to the authentic materials. <br />3. Data Collection<br />a. Research Procedures <br /> In collecting data, some steps were employed, namely: designing teaching materials for experimental and control groups, pre-test and post-test instruments, interview guideline; administering try out; analyzing the try out result; giving pre-test to the sample groups; analyzing pre-test score statistically to reveal the students’ equity covering normality, homogeneity, and independent t-test; deciding the experimental and control groups; administering treatments to the experimental group; giving post-test to both the experimental and control groups; calculating result of the post-test statistically which covers normality, homogeneity, independent t-test to both groups, effect size, also dependent t-test to each group; administering the individual interview to ten students in the experimental group; displaying the taken data; analyzing the interview result; discussing the findings; and last, concluding the findings.<br />b. Instruments <br />In collecting data, this research utilized some instruments to answer the research questions. It was included a pre-test, a post-test, and an individual interview. In answering the first research question, the pre-test and post-test were held to the experimental and control groups. The pre-test and post-test were in form of written test. <br />The pre-test was held to know students’ equity in writing a procedural text before administering several treatments by computing pretest data statistically. While, the aim of post-test is to examine if there is any significant difference between the control and experimental groups in which the experimental group had received some treatments using the authentic materials. <br />Furthermore, in answering the second research question, an interview was administered to ten students in the experimental group. It is aimed at investigating the advantages and obstacles dealing with the authentic materials and the writing process during the treatments.<br />H. Clarification of Terms<br />There are some terms which relate to this research. The definitions of the terms in this research are provided below in order to avoid misinterpretation:<br />1. Authentic Material: Authentic materials refer to any texts or non-texts that available in real life context which are designed not for language teaching but for the native speakers of the language (Harmer, 2002:205). Some examples of authentic materials in this research are food and drink packages, a video, a recipe, realia, and pictures. <br />2. Writing: Writing refer to a process of putting ideas and thoughts in written form which provide information in order to communicate with the reader. The process of writing covers drafting, revising, and editing (Ghazy, 2002).<br /><br />3. Procedural Text: Procedure text is a text which presents the reader of how to do activity or to make something. A procedure text consists of three major elements, namely: a purpose which is stated in title, the tools or ingredients needed, and steps in accomplishing the activity (Derewianka, 2004).<br />I. Organization of Paper<br />This research is organized into five chapters. Chapter I, Introduction, provides the information on the background of the research, the aims of the research, scope of the research, hypothesis, significance of the research, research methodology, clarification of terms and organization of the paper; Chapter II, Theoretical Foundations, elaborates in detail the theories which are relevant to the research. It discusses three main points, namely: authentic materials, teachers’ role in teaching writing, and procedural text; Chapter III, Research Methodology, elaborates the methodology of the research in answering the research questions including research design, population and sample, data collection including procedures of the research, instruments and data analysis; Chapter IV, Findings and Discussion, provides the findings of the research which are analyzed and discussed to interpret the data; Chapter V, Conclusions and Suggestions, provides conclusions of the research and suggestions for further research.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-18203639286919995042010-08-30T20:34:00.000-07:002010-08-30T21:19:29.047-07:00eng-problem and solutionProblems and Solutions<br />English Translation<br />Book by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid<br />Contents<br />Introduction<br />Sleeping and missing salaat al-fajr<br />Excessive laughter<br />Waswaas (insinuating thoughts from Shaytaan)<br />Staying up late<br />Short temper<br />Introduction<br />Praise be to Allaah, we praise Him and seek His help, and we seek refuge with<br />Allaah from the evil of our own selves and from our evil deeds. Whomever<br />Allaah guides, no one can mislead, and whomever Allaah leaves astray, no one<br />can guide. I bear witness that there is no god except Allaah alone, with no<br />partner or associate, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and<br />Messenger.<br />“O you who believe! Fear Allaah as He should be feared, and die not except in<br />a state of Islam (as Muslims) with complete submission to Allaah.” [Aal<br />‘Imraan 3:102 – interpretation of the meaning]<br />“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person,<br />and from him created his wife, and from them both He created many men and<br />women, and fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and<br />(do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, Allaah is Ever an All-<br />Watcher over you.” [al-Nisaa’ 4:1 – interpretation of the meaning]<br />“O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allaah and fear Him, and speak<br />(always) the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds, and will<br />forgive you your sins. And whoever obeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has<br />indeed achieved a great achievement.” [al-Ahzaab 33:70 – interpretation of<br />the meaning]<br />Some brothers have asked me questions in various talks and lectures, including<br />questions about a number of problems, “diseases of the heart” (spiritual<br />problems) and very real obstacles that they are facing. I answered these<br />questions and enquiries in a series of studies entitled Shakaawaa wa Hulool<br />(Problems and solutions).<br />This series has been reviewed for publication, and I now present it to my<br />brothers in the hope that this action may be included in those referred to in the<br />hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him):<br />“Whoever relieves a believer of some of the distress of this world, Allaah will<br />relieve him of some of the distress of the Day of Judgement… Allaah will help<br />His slave so long as the slave is helping his brother.” (Saheeh Muslim) I ask<br />Allaah to give my brothers and me the strength to do good deeds and to avoid<br />evil, and to save us on the Day of Regrets, for He is the Best of those who are<br />asked, and He is Able to do all things.<br />[ Arabic Index | English Index ]<br />Sleeping and missing salaat al-fajr<br />A brother complained: “I miss salaat al-Ffjr on most days, and I hardly ever<br />pray it at the right time. Usually I do not wake up until after the sun has risen,<br />or at best I wake up after the time for praying fajr in jamaa’ah. I have tried to<br />wake up at the right time, with no success. What is the solution to this<br />problem?”<br />All praise be to Allaah. The solution to this problem, like others, has two<br />aspects: theoretical and practical.<br />The theoretical aspect may be further broken down into two points:<br />(1) The Muslim should know the great status of salaat al-fajr in the sight of<br />Allaah, may He be glorified. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) said: “Whoever prays the dawn prayer in congregation, it is as if he<br />had prayed the whole night long.” (Muslim, p. 454, no. 656; al- Tirmidhi, 221).<br />The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said:<br />“The most burdensome prayers for the hypocrites are salaat al-’isha’ and salaat<br />al-fajr, but if they only knew what they contain, they would come even if they<br />had to crawl.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 2/424; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 133).<br />“Whoever prays fajr is under the protection of Allaah. Do not put yourselves in<br />a situation where Allaah has to call you to account for your negligence.”<br />(Reported by al- Tabaraani, 7/267; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 6344).<br />“Angels come to you in shifts by night and by day. They meet at salaat al-fajr<br />and salaat al-‘asr, then those who had stayed with you at night ascend, and are<br />asked by the One Who knows better than they: ‘How did you find My<br />servants?’ They say, ‘We left them when they were praying, and we came to<br />them when they were praying.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 2/33).<br />“The best of prayers in the sight of Allaah is the dawn prayer on Friday, in<br />congregation.” (Reported by Abu Na’eem in al-Hilyah, 7/207, and in al-Silsilah al-<br />Saheehah, 1566).<br />According to a saheeh hadeeth: “Whoever prays al-Bardayn will enter<br />Paradise.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 2/52). Al-Bardayn are fajr and ‘asr.<br />(2) The Muslim should understand the seriousness of missing salaat al-fajr.<br />This is explained by the hadeeth already quoted:<br />“The most burdensome prayers for the hypocrites are salaat al-’isha’ and salaat<br />al-Fajr…”<br />In al-Saheeh, it is reported that Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with them<br />both) said: “If we did not see a person at fajr and ‘isha’ prayers, we would think<br />badly of him.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani in al-Mu’jam al-Kabeer, 12/271. Al-<br />Haythami said, the men of al- Tabaraani are muwaththaqoon (trustworthy). al-Majma’,<br />2/40). They thought badly of a person who was absent from these two prayers<br />because regular performance of them is an indication of a person’s faith and a<br />measure of his sincerity. Other prayers may be easier to do because they are<br />more convenient to a person’s circumstances and fit in with his work and his<br />sleep, but only those who are determined and sincere, people whom one hopes<br />are good people, will be able to pray fajr and ‘isha’ regularly in congregation.<br />Another hadeeth which indicates the seriousness of missing salaat al-fajr is:<br />“Whoever prays fajr is under the protection of Allaah. Do not put yourselves in<br />a situation where Allaah has to call you to account for your negligence, because<br />whoever finds himself in this situation will be sorted out and then thrown on his<br />face in the Fire of Hell.” (Reported by Muslim, p. 454).<br />These two points are sufficient to guarantee that the Muslim’s heart will burn<br />with the concern to ensure that he does not miss fajr. The first motivates him to<br />strive to earn the reward for fajr, and the second acts as a warning that will<br />deter him from committing the sin of negligence.<br />The practical aspect of dealing with this problem includes a number of steps<br />which the Muslim can take in order to get used to performing salaat al-fajr<br />regularly in congregation. These steps include:<br />Sleeping early. According to a saheeh hadeeth, the Prophet (peace and<br />blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to dislike sleeping before ‘isha’ and<br />talking afterwards. The Muslim should not sleep before salaat al-’isha’ because<br />it is obvious that most of those who sleep before it will spend the rest of the<br />night feeling so tired and heavy that it will be as if they are ill.<br />Also, the Muslim should not talk after ‘isha’, and the scholars have explained<br />the reason why doing so is disliked: it is because doing so leads to people<br />staying up late, which in turns leads to the fear that they will sleep and miss<br />qiyaam al-layl, or the correct or preferred time for fajr prayer.<br />The kind of talk that is disliked after ‘isha’, as the commentators explain, is that<br />in which there is no clear benefit, but if there is some benefit – such as studying<br />and gaining knowledge, learning stories of righteous people, speaking to a<br />guest, spending time with one’s wife and family, speaking to travellers and<br />taking care of them and their luggage, or any other permissible reason – then<br />there is nothing wrong with it. This has no connection with the reasons for<br />which many people stay up late nowadays, to do wrong and commit sin! So the<br />Muslim should sleep early, so that he can wake up refreshed to pray fajr and<br />avoid the kind of late nights that make him too tired to get up and pray fajr in<br />congregation.<br />It is a fact that people differ with regard to their need for sleep, so it is not<br />possible to dictate a set number of hours that people should sleep, but each<br />person should stick to the time that will give him enough sleep to wake up<br />refreshed for salaat al-fajr. If a person knows from experience that sleeping<br />after 11 p.m., for example, will mean that he cannot get up for fajr, then from<br />an Islamic point of view he should not sleep any later than that… and so on.<br />Making sure that one is clean (taahir) and reciting adhkaar (prayers) before<br />sleeping. This helps a person to get up for fajr.<br />Having a sincere intention and being determined, when going to sleep, that one<br />will get up for fajr. But a person who goes to sleep hoping that the alarm will<br />not go off, and that no one will come and wake him up, will not – with such a<br />corrupt intention – be able to get up to pray fajr whilst he still has this bad<br />intention.<br />Remembering Allaah as soon as one wakes up. Some people may initially wake<br />up, then they go back to sleep again. But if a person remembers Allaah straight<br />after waking up, this will loosen one of the knots of Shaytaan, and will<br />motivate him to get up. When he performs wudoo’, his determination becomes<br />stronger, and Shaytaan is driven further away, and when he prays, his shaytaan<br />is defeated, his balance (of good deeds) becomes heavier, and he will feel<br />happy and energetic.<br />Seeking help from one’s family and friends to pray fajr, and encouraging one<br />another in this regard. This is essential, and is undoubtedly included in the<br />words of Allaah (interpretation of the meanings):<br />“… Help you one another in al-birr and al-taqwa (virtue, righteousness and<br />piety)…” [al-Maa’idah 5:2]<br />“By al-‘asr (time). Verily! Man is in loss, except those who believe and do<br />righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth and recommend<br />one another to patience.” [al-‘Asr 103:1-3]<br />The Muslim should encourage his wife, for example by waking her up to pray<br />fajr, and she should encourage him, no matter how tired and exhausted he may<br />be. Children should also seek their father’s help to wake up, so he can wake<br />them when it is time for the prayer. No father should say “They have exams,<br />they are tired, let them sleep, poor kids.” It is a mistake to think that be doing<br />this one is being a kind and merciful parent; true parental mercy means that the<br />father wakes them up to worship Allaah. “And enjoin al-salaah (the prayer) on<br />your family, and be patient in offering them (the prayers)…” [Ta-Ha 20:132 –<br />interpretation of the meaning].<br />Just as family members should help and encourage one another to pray fajr, so<br />brothers in Islam can also help one another. For example, university students<br />living in the same residence or neighbours in the same neighbourhood can help<br />one another by knocking on a neighbour’s door to wake him for prayer and<br />helping him to worship Allaah.<br />Praying to Allaah to help him to wake up to pray fajr in congregation. Du’aa’ is<br />one of the greatest sources of strength and success in all things.<br />Using various means of being woken up, such as alarm clocks. These should be<br />put in the most appropriate place. Some people put the alarm clock next to their<br />head, and when it rings, they turn if off at once and go straight back to sleep.<br />Such a person should put the clock a little further away, so that he can feel that<br />it is really waking him up.<br />One can also arrange to receive alarm calls from the telephone company, and<br />no Muslim should think that it is too much to pay for this service if he needs it,<br />because this is spending in the way of Allaah, and waking up to obey the<br />command of Allaah cannot be measured in terms of worldly wealth.<br />Throwing water in the face of the person who is sleeping. The Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) praised the man who gets up at<br />night to pray, and wakes his wife, and when she refuses to get up, he throws<br />water in her face; and he praised the woman who gets up at night to pray, and<br />wakes her husband, and when he refuses to get up, she throws water in his face.<br />(Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 2/250; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3494).<br />Throwing water in a person’s face is one of the means of waking a person for<br />prayer that is prescribed by sharee’ah. In fact it is quite refreshing and<br />energizing. Some people may become enraged when woken in this manner, and<br />they may shout and swear and issue threats, so the person who is seeking to<br />wake another should employ wisdom and patience, and remember that the pens<br />are lifted from the record of one who is sleeping (i.e., his deeds are not being<br />recorded while he is asleep) – so he should put up with any bad treatment, and<br />not let this put him off trying to wake people up for prayer.<br />Not sleeping alone. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon<br />him) forbade any man to sleep alone. (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad,<br />2/91; al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 60). Perhaps the wisdom behind this prohibition<br />is that a person could sleep too long if there is no-one to wake him up for<br />prayer.<br />Not sleeping in remote places where it would not occur to anyone that someone<br />could be sleeping there, such as a person sleeping on the roof of a house<br />without telling his family where he is, or sleeping in a remote part of the house<br />or student residence, so that no-one will know to wake him for prayer, but<br />everyone will think that he is in the mosque when in fact he is fast asleep.<br />Anyone who needs to sleep in a remote place should tell the people around him<br />where he will be so that they can come and wake him.<br />Being lively and active upon waking. One should get up straightaway, and not<br />wake up in stages, as some people do. A person could be woken up several<br />times, and each time he gets up, but when his friend leaves, he goes back to<br />bed. Waking up in stages usually ends in failure, and the only way to prevent<br />falling asleep again is to get up straight away.<br />Not setting the alarm too early. If a person knows that there is still a long time<br />to go until the time of the prayer, he may think, “I still have time, let me sleep a<br />little more…” Everyone should know how to handle himself and avoid this<br />situation.<br />Lighting a lamp when waking up – or, in our modern times, switching on the<br />light. This has the effect of dispelling sleepiness.<br />Not staying up late, even to pray qiyaam al-layl. Some people may stay up late<br />to pray qiyaam al-layl, then fall asleep a few minutes before fajr and be unable<br />to wake up for the prayer. This happens a lot in Ramadaan – people stay up late<br />and sleep a little while before fajr, so they miss the prayer. No doubt this is a<br />grave error, because fard (obligatory) prayer should take precedence over naafil<br />(supererogatory) prayer. So what about those who stay up late not to pray but to<br />commit sin, or at best to do permissible things? The Shaytaan may make the<br />idea of staying up late to discuss important matters attractive to some daa’iyahs<br />(Islamic workers), then they sleep late and miss the prayer, thus losing much<br />more than they gained.<br />Not eating too much before going to sleep. Eating too much makes one sleep<br />deeply. The one who eats a lot gets very tired, and sleeps a lot, thus losing a lot.<br />So one should try to eat lightly in the evening.<br />Warning about the misinterpretation of the sunnah to lie down after praying the<br />sunnah of fajr. Some people may have heard the hadeeth in which the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you<br />has prayed, let him lie down on his right side.” (Reported by al- Tirmidhi, no. 420;<br />Saheeh al-Jaami’, 642). It was also reported that when the Prophet (peace and<br />blessings of Allaah be upon him) had prayed the sunnah of fajr, he would lie<br />down, then Bilaal would call him to prayer, and he would stand up to pray.<br />People may have heard these ahaadeeth, and be keen to follow this proven<br />sunnah, but they do not understand how to do it properly. So a person may pray<br />the sunnah of fajr, then lie down on his right side, and fall fast asleep until the<br />sun rises. This is because of a lack of proper understanding. The lying down is<br />not for the purpose of sleeping, and Bilaal used to come and tell the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when it was time to pray.<br />Moreover, as was reported by Imaam Ahmad and Ibn Hibbaan in a saheeh<br />hadeeth, if the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted<br />to rest before fajr, he would put his head on his right palm, propped up on his<br />elbow. (Reported by Ahmad in al-Musnad, 5/298; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 4752). This<br />kind of resting prevents one from falling fast asleep, because in this case one’s<br />head is propped up on one’s palm and elbow, and will drop if one dozes off,<br />thus waking one up again. In addition to this, Bilaal was entrusted with the<br />responsibility of waking the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon<br />him) for the fajr prayer.<br />Praying qiyaam al-layl late in the night, just before fajr, so that when one<br />finishes witr, the call for fajr prayer is given, making the worship continuous.<br />The night prayer should be offered during the last third of the night – which is<br />the preferred time – and immediately followed by the fajr prayer, whilst one is<br />feeling awake and energetic.<br />Following the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) in lying down to sleep. So a person should lie on his right side,<br />placing his right cheek on his right hand. This position makes it easy to wake<br />up. The best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (peace and blessings<br />of Allaah be upon him), and this is better than sleeping in any other position<br />which may make it difficult to wake up.<br />Helping oneself by taking a nap during the day, because this will help a person<br />by making him need less sleep at night.<br />Not sleeping after ‘asr or maghrib, because this will make a person sleep late,<br />and whoever sleeps late will find it difficult to wake up.<br />Finally, sincere devotion to Allaah is the best thing to motivate a person to get<br />up for prayer, because Allaah is the One Who is controlling all means of help.<br />If a person has that true sincerity and his heart is burning with devotion to<br />Allaah, then Allaah will help him to get up to pray fajr in congregation, even if<br />he goes to sleep only a few moments before fajr.<br />This sincerity and devotion may cause some very enthusiastic people to find<br />unusual ways to help themselves to wake up to pray, which is a sign of their<br />eagerness and keenness. One of them may set a number of alarm clocks to<br />wake him up, setting each one a few minutes later than the other, so that if he<br />turns the first one off, the next one will wake him a few moments later, and so<br />on. Another may tie a string to his wrist, with the other end dangling from his<br />window, so that when one of his friends passes by on his way to the mosque, he<br />can pull on the string and wake him for fajr prayer.<br />See what can be achieved with sincerity and determination, may Allaah guide<br />you! But the bitter truth is that weakness of faith and lack of sincerity are<br />widespread among people nowadays, as we can see from the small numbers of<br />people to be found praying in the mosques at fajr, despite the fact that there are<br />so many people living around the mosques in many neighbourhoods.<br />But no doubt there are people who sleep so heavily that it is almost like an<br />illness, and they may be excused, because the matter is beyond their control.<br />People in this situation should turn to Allaah for help, and do everything that<br />they possibly can, and visit the doctor, to try to find a cure.<br />Finally, a word about a well known phenomenon: some people claim that there<br />is a hadeeth which says that the person who wants to get up for fajr should<br />recite the last part of Soorat al-Kahf before sleeping, and have the intention in<br />his heart to get up at a certain hour, and this will make him get up at that time.<br />They claim that this is a tried and tested method. Our response is that there is<br />no such saheeh hadeeth, and this carries no weight whatsoever. The best<br />guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him).<br />[ Arabic Index | English Index ]<br />Excessive laughter<br />This is a problem that is widespread, especially among the youth. Someone<br />asked:<br />“Our gatherings with friends and colleagues are filled with too much laughter,<br />and it goes to extremes. This phenomenon is becoming ever more widespread.<br />What is the solution?”<br />In response, the solution to this problem has two aspects: theoretical and<br />practical. The theoretical aspect may be further broken down into two points:<br />Firstly, we should know how the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) conducted himself when it came to laughter, and he is the best<br />example in this as in all other things.<br />It is reported in a saheeh hadeeth that his laughter was never more than a smile.<br />(Reported by Ahmad in al-Musnad, 5/97; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4861). According to<br />another hadeeth, he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to<br />remain silent for long periods, and laugh little. (Reported by Ahmad in al-Musnad,<br />5/86; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4822). ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, said: “I<br />never saw the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon<br />him) laughing so heartily that his back teeth showed; he would only smile.”<br />(Reported by Abu Dawood, no. 5098).<br />According to a saheeh hadeeth, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah<br />be upon him) said: “Do not laugh too much, for excessive laughter kills the<br />heart (i.e., spiritually).” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, no. 4193; Silsilah al-Saheehah, no.<br />506). According to another report, he said: “… too much laughter corrupts the<br />heart.” After knowing this, if a Muslim laughs to excess it is as if he is<br />undertaking a journey that he knows will lead to his doom.<br />This is the theoretical response to this problem, in brief.<br />Before we turn to the practical aspects, we must point out that laughter is not<br />haraam, and the Muslim is not expected to be dour-faced and stern and rigid.<br />Laughter is something which is quite natural, and indeed Allaah says in the<br />Qur’aan (interpretation of the meaning): “And … it is He (Allaah) Who makes<br />(whom He wills) laugh, and makes (whom He wills) weep” [al-Najm 53:43]<br />But the problem which we are discussing here – excessive laughter – has a<br />number of bad effects, including the following:<br />It makes gatherings explode with guffaws and echo with raucous laughter.<br />The believer’s heart is spiritually corrupted by too much laughter, and he opens<br />his mouth too wide, instead of being serious and of sound character.<br />It leads to daa’iyahs (Islamic workers) making people laugh as a means of<br />winning them over and having an influence on them, or so they claim. What<br />they do not realize is that people gather around them only for the sake of<br />laughter, and they do not benefit from them at all.<br />The problem is that some people use laughter as a safety valve or release from<br />their stress and worries, resorting to an inferior means rather than what is<br />better. I remember a young man who one day was suffering anxiety because he<br />was behind in his studies, and was going through some family problems, and<br />had other troubles as well. He went out of his house and bumped into a friend<br />on the way, who asked him, “Where are you going?” He said: “I am worried<br />and stressed out, so I’m going to see So-and-so, so he can make me laugh and<br />forget my problems…” He did not realize that his friend’s ability to make him<br />laugh was like a drug which makes people forget while they are under its<br />influence, but when it wears off, everything is still as it was before.<br />The Muslim should know better, and should treat worries and stress in the way<br />prescribed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).<br />When something was troubling him, he would pray (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4703), and<br />if something distressed him, he would say, “Ya Hayyu ya Qayyoom, bi<br />rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek<br />Your help).” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4777). According to another saheeh hadeeth,<br />when he was overtaken by worries and distress, he would say, “Ya Hayyu ya<br />Qayyoom, bi rahmatika astagheeth. Allaahu rabbee wa la ushriku bihi shay’an<br />(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek Your help. Allaah is my<br />Lord, and I do not associate anything with Him).” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4791).<br />In the famous du’aa’ to relieve stress and anxiety, he said: “Allaahumma inni<br />‘abduka, wa’bnu ‘adbdika wa’bnu amatika… (O Allaah, I am Your slave, the<br />son of Your slave, the son of Your maidservant…).”<br />This is a concept which has to be understood properly before we move on to a<br />discussion of the practical ways of dealing with the problem of excessive<br />laughter, which can be dealt with in the following ways:<br />Remembering death, the grave, the Last Day and its reckoning, the bridge over<br />Hell (al-siraat), the Fire, and all the other terrors of the Hereafter. The way to<br />remember all these things is to read the texts that describe these scenes and to<br />study the details and commentaries, as well as sitting with people who are<br />ascetic (zaahid) and whose hearts are devoted to Allaah.<br />Thinking about the situation of the Muslims and how they are suffering because<br />they have strayed from their religion; they are behind in all fields of life, facing<br />oppression, hardship and destruction, and subject to the plots of international<br />conspiracies. When the Muslim thinks long and hard about this situation, it<br />needs must have an impact on how much he laughs and cries.<br />Feeling the weight of his great responsibility towards his ummah, which is need<br />of huge efforts to save it from the danger of falling. If this becomes his main<br />concern, he will start making active efforts to reform his family and friends,<br />and his society, as much as he can. He will not have the time for cracking<br />stupid jokes or for excessive laughter or trivial pursuits.<br />Avoiding mixing with jokers who are well-known for making people laugh and<br />trying to be funny, and keeping away from gatherings where they are present,<br />whilst also trying to advise them and the people who sit with them. We have<br />already referred to some Islamic workers who use the tactic of making people<br />laugh as a means of winning people over, and in some cases the general public<br />may say, “Where is the shaykh who makes us laugh? We want the shaykh who<br />makes us laugh!” This is a step backwards, which we hope the ummah will<br />avoid, because the Religion of Allaah is great and strong. Allaah says<br />(interpretation of the meanings): “Verily! This (the Qur’aan) is the Word that<br />separates (the truth from falsehood…). And it is not a thing for amusement.”<br />[al-Taariq 83:13] and: “…Hold fast to that which We have given you…” [al-<br />Baqarah 2:93]. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)<br />said: “If you knew what I know, you would laugh little and weep much, and<br />you would go out to the hills, beseeching Allaah for help.” If we really<br />understood what is required of us, and what lies ahead, we would never even<br />sleep peacefully.<br />Resisting the urge to laugh as much as possible, as well as tying to stop others<br />from laughing. There may be a gathering where the people are accustomed to<br />laughing and chortling most of the time. So the Muslim must first suppress his<br />own laughter, just as he suppresses a yawn, then he should advise the other<br />people present and help them to control themselves. It takes a persuasive,<br />determined and serious person to do this. There is a lot of goodness in people,<br />praise be to Allaah, and they are ready to respond to the one who wants to<br />reform them and improve them. This can be achieved in a number of ways,<br />such as telling them how bad it is to laugh and make others laugh, because it<br />can lead to lies and falsehood when the “comedian” cannot find a true story to<br />tell, so he makes up a tale from his imagination to make people laugh. This is<br />the kind of person who was warned by the Prophet (peace and blessings of<br />Allaah be upon him): “Woe to the one who talks and tells lies to make people<br />laugh… woe to him, woe to him!” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7136). It can also make him<br />an unstable person who is held in low esteem by others, because the person<br />who makes people laugh is despised by them, even if he thinks otherwise. They<br />have no respect for him at all, and the same applies to the person who laughs<br />too much.<br />Changing the subject that led to the laughter, and introducing another, useful<br />subject. If you see that the people have gone too far with their laughter, try to<br />bring them to their senses, using a proper method, and introduce a serious topic<br />and help them to make good use of their time, by reading a useful book,<br />discussing an important topic, exchanging ideas, or suggesting some charitable<br />project or other good work that Allaah likes and is pleased with. As a last<br />resort, if you have done all that you can to advise them correctly, get up and<br />leave the gathering, to protect yourself from corruption. “… and no bearer of<br />burdens shall bear the burden of another…” [al-An’aam 6:164 – interpretation<br />of the meaning].<br />[ Arabic Index | English Index ]<br />Waswaas (insinuating thoughts from Shaytaan)<br />A person may ask: “I am suffering from many insinuating thoughts (waswaas)<br />about the nature of Allaah, may He be glorified. There are thoughts going<br />around in my mind that I cannot utter because they are not befitting to Allaah,<br />and they keep coming back to me, when I am praying and at other times. It is<br />so bad that I doubt my faith, and wonder if I am even a Muslim or not. What is<br />the cure for this problem?”<br />A number of ahaadeeth have been reported from the Prophet (peace and<br />blessings of Allaah be upon him) which contain the answer to this problem, alhamdu<br />Lillah.<br />The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The<br />Shaytaan may come to any one of you and say, ‘Who created Allaah?’ If any<br />one of you experiences this, let him say, ‘Aamantu billaahi wa rasoolih (I<br />believe in Allaah and His Messenger),’ and that will drive him away.” (Saheeh<br />al-Jaami’, 1657). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) said: “The Shaytaan may come to any one of you and ask, ‘Who<br />created the heaven?’ and he will say, ‘Allaah.’ The Shaytaan will say, ‘Who<br />created the earth?’ and he will say, ‘Allaah.’ Then the Shaytaan will say, ‘Who<br />created Allaah?’ If any one of you experiences this, let him say, ‘Aamantu<br />billaahi wa rasoolih.’” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1656).<br />The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever<br />experiences anything of this waswaas, let him say three times, ‘‘Aamantu<br />billaahi wa rasoolih,’ and that will drive (the Shaytaan) away.” (Saheeh al-<br />Jaami’, 6587).<br />The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The<br />Shaytaan may come to any one of you, and say, ‘Who created such-and-such?<br />Who created such-and-such?’ until he asks, ‘Who created your Lord?’ If this<br />happens to anyone, let him seek refuge with Allaah and let him stop these<br />thoughts.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7993).<br />The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The people<br />will nearly ask too many questions, so that one of them may say, ‘Allaah<br />created all of creation, but who created Allaah?’ If they say this, then say:<br />‘Allaah is the One, Allaah is the Self-Sufficient Master. He begets not, nor was<br />He begotten; and there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him’ [al-Ikhlaas<br />112:1-4, interpretation of the meaning], and spit (drily) to your left three times,<br />and seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 8182).<br />The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Think<br />about the signs of Allaah, do not think about Allaah (Himself).” (Saheeh al-<br />Jaami’, 2975)<br />The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Think<br />about the creation of Allaah, do not think about Allaah (Himself).” (Saheeh al-<br />Jaami’, 2976)<br />From these texts we may summarize the following six ways of overcoming<br />these insinuating thoughts:<br />The person who is experiencing such ideas should say, “Aamantu billaahi wa<br />rasoolih (I believe in Allaah and His Messenger).”<br />He should seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan, and say three<br />times, “A’oodhu billaahi’l-Samee’ il-‘Aleem min al-Shaytaan il-rajeem, min<br />hamzihi wa nafkhihi wa nafathih (I seek refuge with Allaah, the All-Hearing,<br />the All-Knowing, from the accursed Shaytaan, and from his slander and evil<br />insinuations).”<br />He should spit (drily) to his left three times.<br />He should stop thinking about whatever it is that is on his mind, as the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Let him stop.” This is an<br />important tactic, because continuing to allow the Shaytaan to influence one in<br />this way can only make it worse. The Muslim must stop these thoughts, as<br />much as he is able, and keep his mind busy with something useful and<br />beneficial.<br />He should recite Soorat al-Ikhlaas (Qul huwa Allaahu ahad), because it<br />describes attributes of the Most Merciful and is considered to be equivalent to<br />one-third of the Qur’aan. Reciting this great soorah will guarantee an end to<br />these insinuating thoughts.<br />He should think about the creation and blessings of Allaah, not about His<br />nature, because his weak human mind can never comprehend the nature of<br />Allaah. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… and they will never<br />compass anything of His Knowledge” [Ta-Ha 20:110]<br />[ Arabic Index | English Index ]<br />Staying up late<br />We have received so many questions about this problem that we know it is<br />crying out for a solution. So many people are wasting so much time in staying<br />up late at night.<br />But the truth of the matter is that this phenomenon is not homogenous. There<br />are three kinds of staying up late:<br />(1) Staying up late to worship Allaah. This is the worthy kind of staying up. It<br />includes staying up for reasons that are of benefit to the Muslims in general,<br />such as engaging in jihaad and guarding the borders of Islam, as well as staying<br />up to pray (qiyaam al-layl) and read Qur’aan. Allaah says (interpretation of the<br />meaning): “They used to sleep but little by night [invoking their Lord and<br />praying, with fear and hope].” [al-Dhaariyaat 51:17].<br />We should not forget, in this context, the great Sahaabi who was guarding the<br />Muslims at night, and spent his time on guard duty praying. He was struck by<br />an arrow fired by the mushrikeen, and his blood began to flow, but he kept on<br />praying, enjoying his contact with his Lord.<br />It is reported that some of the scholars used to discuss hadeeth until the sun<br />came up. Some of the sincere da’iyahs (callers, Islamic workers) still stay up at<br />night discussing matters that keep those who care about the ummah awake. An<br />example of this is what happened with Shaykh ‘Abd al-Hameed ibn Baadees<br />and Shaykh al-Basheer al-Ibraaheemi, the founders of the Muslim scholars’<br />organization (Jam’iyat al-‘Ulama’ al-Muslimeen) in Algeria. During their time<br />in Madeenah, they used to stay up all night, until fajr time, discussing the state<br />of the Muslim ummah and the bid’ah, myths and backwardness in which it had<br />ended up, and planning how they would rescue Algerian society from this sorry<br />state.<br />This kind of staying up is entirely worthy, so long as it does not lead to the<br />neglect of something more important or more obligatory. Some people may<br />stay up for a legitimate purpose, then miss fajr prayers. This is a mistake.<br />(2) Staying up for a permissible reason. This is fine, as long as it does not lead<br />to the neglect of something obligatory. This includes, for example, travellers<br />staying up to talk to one another, in order to relieve the tedium of travel. The<br />Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would stay up to talk<br />to one of his wives and keep her company, when they were on a journey.<br />This also includes talking to one’s guests and keeping them company.<br />Also included is the staying up involved in modern-day shift work, created by<br />the demands of materialistic circumstances. No doubt some of the interests of<br />the Muslims demand the work of people at night, such as those who work in the<br />security forces, in hospitals and airports, in supplying electricity, and so on.<br />(3) Staying up to commit sin, such as staying up to watch movies, to play<br />haraam games such as cards, or to consume the flesh of others by gossiping and<br />backbiting and slandering, and other kinds of sin. This kind of staying up is<br />haraam, and those who do it are sinners who deserve the punishment of Allaah.<br />Their number has increased in modern times, for the reasons mentioned by the<br />poet:<br />“Youth, idleness and good health,/ corrupt man in such a bad way!”<br />It is important to distinguish between one type of staying up and the other.<br />The habit of staying up late at night has become widespread in our times for a<br />number of reasons, including the following:<br />Staying up for worldly purposes, as in the case of some traders and<br />businessmen who stay up late putting their affairs in order, or students who stay<br />up to study. People in this situation should try to organize their time so that<br />they will not need to stay up late and can thus avoid its bad consequences.<br />The nature of modern life and the social changes which it has wrought. Earlier<br />generations used to slow down and go to sleep when darkness fell, but the<br />presence of electricity in modern times had led to people doing many activities,<br />kinds of work and social activities that they never used to do during the hours<br />of darkness. In some cases, people’s nights have become just like their days.<br />Many people’s indulgence in the arts and media, by means of TV, radio, video,<br />etc.<br />Many people make their visits to family and friends, or organize programs etc.,<br />at nighttime, because of the nature of their work and studies. So you rarely find<br />anyone who will visit you during the day, except at the weekend. Even<br />gatherings for the pursuit of Islamic knowledge are mostly held after ‘isha’<br />prayers.<br />Some people indulge to excess in idle chatter and trivial discussions, even<br />disturbing others with their talk and laughter. This phenomenon is perhaps most<br />obvious among students living in university residences, where some<br />inconsiderate visitors stay up late talking about who said what, causing harm to<br />themselves and others, then neglecting many of their duties.<br />Insomnia, which is often caused by indulgence in sin and being far away from<br />Allaah. Being far away from Allaah means that a person can never feel content<br />or at peace, but will be dogged by constant anxiety, alienation and confusion.<br />Problems with one’s family, money, studies or work, etc., also have a clear role<br />in causing anxiety and insomnia, until they are resolved.<br />Also, we should not ignore the fact that there are those who are prevented from<br />enjoying the calm of sleep by insomnia that is caused by the fear of Allaah and<br />the keen desire to reform this enslaved ummah.<br />Having examined the types of staying up late, and explained the reasons for it,<br />we may now turn to ways of treating this widespread problem.<br />Treatment from the theoretical point of view:<br />We should think about the physical harm that may be caused by staying up late<br />and its detrimental effect on many of our interests, such as:<br />Neglect of Islamic duties, such as missing fajr prayer, whether by not managing<br />to attend the prayer in congregation, or by missing the prayer altogether and<br />having to make it up later, or by praying in congregation but without the<br />necessary concentration because of feeling so exhausted that one is left fighting<br />sleep and failing to understand what is being said. So a person may not even<br />know what the imaam is reciting, or which rak’ah he is praying, or what he is<br />saying at the various stages of the prayer. For this reason, the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade conversing after ‘isha’.<br />Physical harm may result from making the night a time for activity and the day<br />for resting, contrary to the natural rhythm which Allaah has created in the<br />universe and in mankind. Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):<br />“And [We] have made the night as a covering [through its darkness], and have<br />made the day for livelihood.”<br />[al-Naba’ 78:10-11]<br />“Say: ‘Tell me! If Allaah made night continuous for you till the Day of<br />Resurrection, who is an ilaah [a god] besides Allaah who could bring you<br />light? …’”<br />[al-Qasas 28:71]<br />“Say: ‘Tell me! If Allaah made day continuous for you till the Day of<br />Resurrection, who is an ilaah [a god] besides Allaah who could bring you night<br />wherein you rest? …”<br />[al-Qasas 28:71]<br />So we find people who have gone astray and gone against their innate nature<br />(fitrah) suffering from ill health. One hour of sleep at night is worth twice as<br />many at any other time, as is well known from experience.<br />Many employees fall short in their work (as a result of staying up late). A man<br />may come to work late, exhausted, and put in a poor performance, treating<br />clients badly. It may be so bad that there is even doubt that his salary is entirely<br />halaal, because of his shoddy work.<br />The same applies to students who stay up late, and come late to school or<br />university the next day, not caring if they have missed their early classes and<br />barely understanding anything that is said in the classes they do attend.<br />Staying up late may cause a person to sleep at inappropriate times, such as<br />sleeping after ‘asr. The salaf (early generations of the ummah) used to dislike<br />sleeping after ‘asr unless there was a need for it – but if it is necessary, there is<br />nothing wrong with doing so. Moreover, sleeping after ‘asr can cause<br />headaches, and make it difficult to get to sleep at night.<br />Staying up late makes it difficult to do some voluntary acts of worship, such as<br />devoting the last third of the night to prayer, or getting up to eat suhoor prior to<br />observing a voluntary fast – how can those who stay up late manage to do these<br />things? There is no doubt that exhaustion would prevent them from getting up,<br />and so they deprive themselves of a great deal of good.<br />Missing out on the blessing of getting up early in the day. Those who stay up<br />late sleep until after fajr, thus missing out on the time of which the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The early morning has been<br />blessed for my ummah.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2841). These people cannot stay in<br />the mosque until sunrise in order to remember Allaah, or go out early to earn<br />their living during the time of blessing and virtue. This has become so<br />widespread that in the mornings you can hardly see anyone who will open his<br />store or business early.<br />When the wise person realizes the kinds of harm that result from staying up<br />late, and the great loss that befalls him as a result, no doubt he will try his<br />utmost to reform himself and make up for what he has missed. Thus he will<br />take the first step towards solving the problem.<br />There follow a number of practical steps which can be followed by anyone who<br />wants to solve this problem:<br />Trying hard to get used to sleeping early. Staying up late is basically a habit,<br />and if anyone is prepared to struggle against his own self (jihaad al-nafs) with<br />determination, he can win the struggle in a few days, by the grace of Allaah,<br />and join the ranks of those who sleep early.<br />Getting married. Many single young men are quite disorganized, staying up late<br />together and encouraging one another to do so, as they have no wives or<br />children to think about. But the one who is married feels his responsibility<br />towards his wife and children, so he is keen to go back to them early so that<br />they will not worry about him, or feel afraid if they need him in the middle of<br />the night, when he is away. Anyone who has experience of this will understand.<br />Strengthening one’s feelings of responsibility in all areas will also be of help.<br />When a man feels the burden of responsibility on his shoulders, he has no<br />choice but to fulfil it. He will not be able to waste time, unlike those careless<br />people who squander the vast treasure of time in trivial matters and have no<br />appreciation for the value of time.<br />Adopting the habit of taking a siesta, instead of sleeping at the wrong times.<br />Sleeping after ‘asr or before ‘isha’ is a harmful practice, as we have mentioned<br />above. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised his<br />ummah to take naps: “Take a siesta, for the shayaateen (devils) do not take<br />siestas.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4431).<br />These are a few of the practical measures which one can take to combat the<br />problem of staying up late. And Allaah is the One Who guides to the Straight<br />Path.<br />[ Arabic Index | English Index ]<br />Short temper<br />A person may complain: “I get very angry very quickly. If there is the slightest<br />provocation, I quickly explode and start to break things, swear, curse and issue<br />threats of divorce. This problem has caused me so much embarrassment, and<br />has made most people hate me, even my wife and children and closest friends.<br />What can I do to rid myself of this awful disease and extinguish this devilish<br />fire?”<br />Anger is a tendency that comes from the Shaytaan. Only Allaah knows how<br />much evil and sin results from it. Hence Islam has a great deal to say about this<br />negative characteristic and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) described remedies for ridding oneself of this problem and limiting<br />its effects. These include the following:<br />Seeking refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan. Sulaymaan ibn Sard said: “I<br />was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him),<br />and there were two men swearing at one another. One of them was red in the<br />face and the veins of his neck were standing out. The Prophet (peace and<br />blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘I know a word which, if only he would<br />say it, this [anger] would leave him. If he said, “A’oodhu billaahi min alshaytaan<br />(I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan),”, this [anger] would<br />leave him.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 6/377). He (peace and blessings<br />of Allaah be upon him) also said: “If a man gets angry and says ‘A’oodhu<br />billaah (I seek refuge with Allaah),’ his anger will cease.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-<br />Sagheer, no. 695).<br />Keeping quiet. The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)<br />said: “If any one of you gets angry, let him keep quiet.” (Reported by Imaam<br />Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/239; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027). Anger usually makes a<br />person lose control, often to the extent that he may utter words of kufr (Allaah<br />forbid), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which will destroy his family,<br />or foul language that will earn him the enmity of others. Keeping quiet is the<br />way to avoid all of these evils.<br />Keeping still. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) said: “If any one of you gets angry, let him sit down if he is<br />standing. If his anger goes away, (that is good), otherwise let him lie down.”<br />The narrator of this hadeeth was Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him),<br />who told the following story: he was watering his animals at a trough, when<br />some other people came along. He said, “Who among you will help Abu Dharr<br />to water his animals and ....?” A man said, “I will,” but he broke the trough.<br />Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then he lay down. Someone asked<br />him, “O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?” He said, “Because<br />the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said<br />… [and quoted the hadeeth].” (The hadeeth with the whole story is reported in<br />Musnad Ahmad, 5/152. See also Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 694).<br />According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his animals at a trough<br />when another man made him angry, so he sat down… (Fayd al-Qadeer al-<br />Mannaawi, 1/408).<br />One of the benefits of this Prophetic teaching is that it prevents the angry<br />person from doing something crazy and out of control. An angry person could<br />inflict harm or even kill – as we shall see shortly – or he could destroy property<br />and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will explode in this fashion,<br />and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something reckless or<br />harmful. Al-‘Allaamah al-Khattaabi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in<br />his commentary on Abu Dawood: “The one who is standing is ready to move<br />and destroy things. The one who is sitting is less likely to do so, and the one<br />who is lying is not able to do anything of the sort. It seems that the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded the angry person to<br />sit down or lie down in order to prevent him from doing anything that he would<br />later regret. And Allaah knows best.” (Sunan Abi Dawood wa ma’ahu ma’aalim alsunan,<br />5/141)<br />Remembering the advice of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings<br />of Allaah be upon him). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him)<br />reported that a man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) and said: “Advise me.” He said: “Do not become angry.” The man<br />repeated his request several times, and each time the response was, “Do not<br />become angry.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 10/465).<br />According to another report, the man said, “I thought about what the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had said, and I realized that<br />anger is the source of all evil.” (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373).<br />“Do not get angry, and Paradise will be yours.” (A saheeh hadeeth. Saheeh al-<br />Jaami’, 7374. Ibn Hajar attributed it to al- Tabaraani. See al-Fath, 4/465).<br />Remembering what Allaah has promised to those who avoid the causes of<br />anger and strive to control themselves is the best way to extinguish the flames<br />of anger. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has told<br />us about this great reward: “Whoever suppresses his anger at the time when he<br />could express it openly, Allaah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day<br />of Resurrection.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani, 12/453; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 176).<br />Another immense reward is described in the hadeeth: “Whoever suppresses his<br />anger when he is able to vent it, Allaah will call him before all the people on<br />the Day of Resurrection and let him choose whoever of the hoor al-‘iyn he<br />wishes.” (Reported by Abu Dawood, 4777, and others. Classed as hasan in Saheeh al-<br />Jaami’, 6518).<br />Knowing the high rank and distinction that is bestowed upon the one who<br />controls himself. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah<br />be upon him) said, “The strong man is not the one who can wrestle another to<br />the ground; the strong man is the one who can control himself when he is<br />angry.” (Reported by Ahmad, 2/236. The hadeeth is agreed upon). The more angry a<br />person gets, the more highly valued is his self-control. The Prophet (peace<br />and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The real strong man is the one who<br />gets intensely angry, so that his face reddens and his hair stands on end, but he<br />suppresses his anger.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 5/367; classed as hasan in Saheeh<br />al-Jaami’, 3859). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)<br />used an incident that took place in front of his Sahaabah as an opportunity to<br />reinforce this lesson. Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of<br />Allaah be upon him) passed by some people who were wrestling, and asked,<br />“What is this?” They told him, “So-and-so is a strong man. No one challenges<br />him but he beats them at wrestling.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of<br />Allaah be upon him) said, “Shall I not tell you who is stronger than him? A<br />man who is mistreated by another, but suppresses his anger, has defeated his<br />own shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who mistreated him.” (Reported by al-<br />Bazzaar. Ibn Hajar said that its isnaad is hasan. Al-Fath, 10/519).<br />Following the guidance of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be<br />upon him) with regard to anger.<br />He is our example, and his attitude towards anger is clearly demonstrated in<br />many ahaadeeth, of which one of the most famous was reported by Anas (may<br />Allaah be pleased with him), who said: “I was walking with the Messenger of<br />Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he was wearing a<br />Najraani cloak with a stiff collar. He was accosted by a Bedouin who pulled his<br />cloak roughly. I looked at the Prophet’s neck and saw the marks left by the<br />collar. The Bedouin said: ‘O Muhammad, give me some of the wealth of<br />Allaah that you have!’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon<br />him) turned to him and smiled, and ordered that he should be given<br />something.” (Reported by al- Bazzaar. Ibn Hajar said that its isnaad is hasan).<br />Another way in which we may follow the example of the Prophet (peace<br />and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is by making our anger for the sake of<br />Allaah, when the limits set by Allaah are violated. This is the worthy kind of<br />anger. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) became<br />angry when he was told about the imaam who was putting people off praying<br />because his recitation was too long. He became angry when he saw a curtain<br />decorated with pictures of animate creatures in ‘Aa’ishah’s house. He became<br />angry when Usaamah spoke to him about the Makhzoomi woman who was<br />guilty of theft, and said to him, “Are you interceding concerning one of the<br />punishments prescribed by Allaah?” He became angry when he was asked<br />questions he disliked. His anger was only for the sake of Allaah.<br />Knowing that suppressing anger is one of the signs of taqwa (piety).<br />Allaah has praised certain people in His Book, and the Prophet (peace and<br />blessings of Allaah be upon him) highly commended them. There have been<br />prepared for them Gardens as wide as the heavens and the earth. One of their<br />characteristics is that they “… spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in<br />adversity, [they] repress anger, and pardon men; verily, Allaah loves almuhsinoon<br />(the good-doers)” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134 – interpretation of the<br />meaning]. These are the people whose good qualities Allaah has mentioned,<br />people whom others admire and want to catch up with. Another of their<br />characteristics is that “when they are angry, they forgive” [al-Shoora 42:37 –<br />interpretation of the meaning].<br />Paying attention when one is reminded.<br />Anger is something natural, with regard to which people differ. It may be very<br />hard for a person not to get angry, but a sincere person, if he becomes angry<br />and is reminded about Allaah, will remember Him and will stay within the<br />limits that He has prescribed. Some examples of this follow.<br />Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) reported that a man asked<br />permission to see ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him), and permission<br />was given. The man said, “O son of al-Khattaab, by Allaah, you are not giving<br />us much, and you are not ruling us fairly!” ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with<br />him) became so angry that he was about to hit the man, but al-Hirr ibn Qays<br />(who was among the people sitting with ‘Umar) said, “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen,<br />Allaah said to His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him):<br />‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what isgood, and turn away from the foolish (i.e.,<br />don’t punish them)’ [al-A’raaf 7:199 – interpretation of the meaning], and this<br />man is one of the foolish.” By Allaah, ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him)<br />did not take the matter any further when this was recited to him. He adhered to<br />the words of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted. (Reported by al-Bukhaari,<br />al-Fath, 8/304). This is how the Muslim should be, not like the evil hypocrite<br />who, when he got angry and was told about the hadeeth of the Prophet<br />(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and was advised by one of the<br />Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to<br />seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan, said, “Do you think there is<br />something wrong with me? Do you think I am crazy? Go away!” (Reported by<br />al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 1/465). We seek refuge with Allaah from failure.<br />Knowing the bad effects of anger.<br />The bad effects of anger are many, harming both the self and others. A person<br />may swear and utter obscenities, and may hit others, lashing out with no<br />control. It may even lead to killing. The following story contains a lesson.<br />‘Alqamah ibn Waa’il reported that his father (may Allaah be pleased with him)<br />told him: “I was sitting with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings<br />of Allaah be upon him) when a man came along, leading another by a twisted<br />rope. He said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, this man killed my brother.’ The<br />Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked,<br />‘Did you kill him?’ He said, ‘Yes, I killed him.’ He asked, ‘How did you kill<br />him?’ He said, ‘He and I were hitting trees to make the leaves fall (so we could<br />use them for animal fodder). He swore at me, so I got angry and hit him on the<br />side of the head with an axe, and I killed him.’…” (Reported by Muslim in al-<br />Saheeh, 1307).<br />Even if anger does not go as far as this, there may still be broken bones and<br />injuries. If the person with whom a man is angry runs away, he may turn his<br />anger upon himself, tearing his clothes, slapping his cheeks, falling<br />unconscious, or breaking dishes and furniture.<br />One of the worst things that result from anger and cause social ills and family<br />breakdown is talaaq (divorce). Ask many of those who have divorced their<br />wives how and when it happened, and they will tell you, “It was in a moment of<br />anger.”<br />Lives are shattered and children are lost as a result. Feelings of regret and<br />failure haunt people’s minds, and life becomes bitter – all because of anger. If<br />only they had remembered Allaah and come back to their senses, restrained<br />their anger and sought refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan, what happened<br />would not have happened. Going against sharee’ah only ever results in loss.<br />The physical harm that results from anger is very serious, as the doctors<br />describe, such as thrombosis, high blood pressure, fatal heart attacks, diabetes,<br />etc. We ask Allaah for good health.<br />The angry person should think about himself at the time of anger.<br />If the angry person could see himself in the mirror at the time of anger, he<br />would despise himself and how he looks when his colour changes, he shakes<br />uncontrollably, his face reddens, the veins of his neck stand out and he behaves<br />like a crazy person. He would be put off by his own appearance, but it is well<br />known that the ugliness that exists inside a person is even worse than any that<br />may appear on the outside. How happy the Shaytaan must be when someone is<br />in this state! We seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan and from failure.<br />Du’aa’.<br />This is the believer’s constant weapon. He asks his Lord to rid him of evils,<br />problems and bad characteristics, and he seeks refuge with Allaah from falling<br />into the pit of kufr and wrongdoing caused by anger, because one of the three<br />qualities which will save a person from Hellfire is being just and fair both at<br />times of contentment and at times of anger. (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3039). One of the<br />du’aa’s of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was:<br />“Allaahumma bi ‘ilmika’l-ghaybi wa qudratika ‘ala’l-khalqi aheeni ma<br />‘alimta’l-hayaata khayran li, wa tawaffani idha ‘alimta’l-wafaata khayran li.<br />Allaahumma wa as’aluka khashyataka fi’l-ghaybi wa’l-shahaadah, wa<br />as’aluka kalimat al-ikhlaasi fi’l-ridaa wa’l-ghadab, wa as’aluka’l-qasda fi’lfaqri<br />wa’l-ghinaa, wa as’aluka na’eeman la yanfad, wa qurrata ‘aynin la<br />tanqati’, wa as’aluka’l-ridaa bi’l-qadaa’, wa as’aluka bard al-‘aysh ba’d almawt,<br />wa as’aluka ladhdhat al-nadhr ila wajhika wa’l-shawqa ilaa liqaa’ik, fi<br />ghayri darraa’ mudirrah wa laa fitnati mudillah. Allaahumma zayyinnaa bi<br />zeenati’l-eemaan wa’j’alnaa hudaatan muhtadeen (O Allaah, by Your<br />knowledge of the Unseen and Your power over all creation, keep me alive so<br />long as You know life is good for me, and bring about my death when you<br />know death is good for me. O Allaah, I ask You to make me fear You in secret<br />and in the open, I ask You to make me speak sincerely at times of contentment<br />and at times of anger, I ask You to make me be moderate in poverty and in<br />wealth, I ask You for a blessing that does not end, contentment that never<br />ceases, and for acceptance of Your decree. I ask You for a good life after death,<br />and I ask You for the joy of looking upon Your face and the longing to meet<br />You, with no harmful adversity or misleading trial (fitnah). O Allaah, adorn us<br />with the beauty of faith, guide us and let us be a means of guidance for<br />others).” (Reported by al-Nisaa’i in al-Sunan, 3/55; and by al-Haakim. Saheeh al-<br />Jaami’, 1301).<br />Praise be to Allaah, Lord of the Worlds.<br />[ Arabic Index | English Index ]<br />[Home | Submit Question | Search Q&A | Feedback | About This Site ]animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-22590829984136929992010-08-30T20:32:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:34:29.740-07:00kajin aktualHUKUM MEMPERINGATI MAULID NABI SAW.<br />Maulid Nabi saw. adalah kelahiran nabi Muhammad, Rasulullah saw.. Beliau saw. dilahirkan di tengah keluarga bani Hasyim di Makkah. Mengenai tanggal kelahirannya, para ahli tarikh berbeda pendapat dalam masalah ini, dan tidak ada dari mereka yang mengetahui secara pasti, namun menurut buku “Sirah Nabawiyah”, karya Shafiyurrahman Mubarakfury -Juara I lomba penulisan sejarah Nabi yang diadakan oleh Rabithah Al-Alam Al-Islamy- Nabi Muhammad saw. dilahirkan pada hari senin pagi, tanggal 9 Rabi’ul Awal, permulaan tahun dari peristiwa gajah. <br /><br />Bertepatan dengan itu, terjadi beberapa bukti pendukung kerasulan di antaranya adalah, runtuhnya sepuluh balkon istana Kisra, padamnya api yang biasa disembah oleh orang-orang Majusi, dan runtuhnya beberapa gereja di sekitar Buhairah. Hal ini diriwayatkan oleh Baihaqi. Selain itu, Ibnu Sa’d meriwayatkan bahwa Ibu Rasulullah saw. berkata, “Setelah bayiku keluar, aku melihat ada cahaya yang keluar dari kemaluanku, menyinari istana-istana di syam.”<br /><br />Setelah Aminah melahirkan, dia mengirim utusan kepada kakeknya, Abdul Muththalib, untuk menyampaikan berita gembira tentang kelahiran cucunya. Maka Abdul Muththalib datang dengan perasaan suka cita, lalu membawa beliau ke dalam ka’bah, seraya berdo’a kepada Allah dan bersyukur kepada-Nya. Dia memilihkan nama Muhammad untuk beliau, sebuah nama yang belum pernah dikenal di kalangan Arab. Kemudian beliau dikhitan pada hari ke tujuh, seperti yang biasa dilakukan oleh orang-orang Arab.<br /><br />Itulah sekelumit sejarah tentang kelahiran Nabi saw., yang kemudian momen penting tersebut diperingati oleh kebanyakan kaum muslimin sejak berlalunya tiga generasi, yaitu generasi sahabat, tabi’in, dan tabi’ tabi’in. <br /><br />Rasulullah saw. bersabda (yang artinya), “Janganlah kamu berlebih-lebihan memujiku, sebagaimana orang-orang Nasrani telah berlebih-lebihan memuji (Isa) putera Maryam. Aku hanyalah seorang hamba, maka katakanlah, ‘Abdullah wa rasuluhu (hamba Allah dan Rasul-Nya)’.” (HR Bukhari dan Muslim).<br /><br />Dalam hadis yang lain Rasulullah saw. bersabda, “Jauhilah oleh kamu sekalian sikap berlebihan, karena sesungguhnya sikap berlebihan itulah yang telah menghancurkan umat-umat sebelum kamu.”<br /><br />Dan dari Ibnu Mas’ud r.a., bahwasanya Rasulullah saw. bersabda, “Binasalah orang yang berlebih-lebihan dalam tindakannya.” (HR Muslim).<br /><br />Hadis di atas menerangkan larangan Rasulullah saw. kepada umatnya untuk memujinya secara berlebih-lebihan. “Janganlah kamu sekalian memujiku dengan berlebih-lebihan.” Artinya adalah janganlah kamu sekalian memujiku dengan cara yang bathil, dan janganlah kalian melampaui batas dalam memujiku. Makna kata ithra’ dalam hadis tersebut (laa tuthruni), adalah melampaui batas dalam memuji. <br /><br />Kenyataannya, kebanyakan manusia sangat berlebih-lebihan dalam memuji dan mengagungkan orang yang menjadi panutan dan junjungannya, sehingga mereka meyakini bahwa junjungan mereka itu mampu melakukan sesuatu yang seharusnya hanya hak Allah. Jadi mereka menganggap junjungan mereka itu memiliki sifat ilahiyah dan rububiyah yang sebenarnya hanya milik Allah. Hal itu karena perilaku mereka yang berlebih-lebihan dalam memuji dan menyanjung panutan mereka. <br /><br />Walaupun Rasulullah saw. sudah melarangnya, tapi kenyataan ini masih terjadi di kalangan sebagian orang yang mengaku sebagai umatnya. Kita dapati di sebagian syair yang di anggap sebagai salah satu shalawat, yang berbunyi, “Allahumma shalli shalatan kamilatan wa sallim salaman tamman ‘ala sayidina Muhammadin alladzi tanhalu bihil ‘uqadu, watanfariju bihil kurabu, wa tuqdha bihil hawaiju....” yang artinya, “Ya Allah, limpahkanlah shalawat dan salam yang sempurna kepada junjungan kami Nabi Muhammad saw., yang karenaya ikatan belenggu terurai, dan karenanya malapetaka sirna, dan karenanya kebutuhan-kebutuhan terpenuhi….” Bukankah itu adalah pujian yang berlebihan, karena menyanjung Rasulullah saw. dengan hal-hal yang sebenarnya hanya kekuasaan Allah saja. <br /><br />Itu adalah satu contoh tentang keadaan sebagian umat yang melampaui batas dalam memuji Nabinya.<br /><br />Setelah itu, ada masalah yang tersisa, yaitu bagaimana dengan acara-acara perayaan dan beberapa perilaku yang dilakukan oleh kebanyakan orang untuk memperingati kelahiran Nabi saw.. Apakah hal tersebut termasuk perilaku yang berlebih-lebihan dan melampaui batas? Atau merupakan sesuatu hal yang baru yang diada-adakan oleh umat ini?<br /><br />Tentang hal itu, marilah kita ikuti komentar Syekh Muhammad bin Shaleh Al-Utsaimin ketika beliau ditanya mengenai hukum merayakan maulid Nabi saw..<br /><br />Beliau berkata, “Pertama, malam kelahiran Nabi saw. tidak diketahui secara pasti, tetapi sebagian ahli sejarah menyatakan bahwa hal itu terjadi pada malam kesembilan Rabi’ul awal, bukan pada malam kedua belas. Tetapi justru saat ini perayaan maulid dilaksanakan pada malam kedua belas, yang tidak ada dasarnya dalam tinjauan sejarah. <br /><br />Kedua, dipandang dari sisi akidah, juga tidak ada dasarnya. Kalaulah itu syariat dari Allah, tentulah dilaksanakan oleh Nabi saw. atau disampaikan pada umat beliau. Dan kalaulah Rasulullah saw. mengerjakannya atau menyampaikan kepada umatnya, mestinya amalan itu terjaga, karena Allah berfirman, “Sesungguhnya Kami-lah yang menurunkan Alquran, dan sesunggunya Kami benar-benar akan menjaganya.” (Al-Hijr: 9).<br /><br />Ketika ternyata hal itu tidak didapati, maka bisa diketahui bahwa hal itu bukanlah termasuk ajaran Islam. Dan jika bukan dari ajaran agama Allah, maka kita tidak boleh menjadikannya sebagai bentuk ibadah kepada Allah dan tidak boleh menjadikannya sebagai amalan taqarrub kepada-Nya. <br /><br />Allah telah menetapkan suatu jalan yang sudah ditentukan untuk bisa sampai kepada-Nya –itulah yang datang kepada Rasulullah saw.- maka bagaimana mungkin kita diperbolehkan membuat jalan sendiri, yang akan menghantarkan kepada-Nya, padahal kita adalah seorang hamba. Ini berarti mengambil hak Allah, yaitu membuat syariat yang bukan dari-Nya, dan kita masukkan ke dalam ajaran Allah. Ini juga merupakan pendustaan terhadap firman Allah, “Pada hari ini telah kusempurnakan untuk kamu agamamu, dan telah kecukupkan nikmat-Ku kepadamu….” (Al-Maidah: 3).<br /><br />Maka kami katakan, bila perayaan ini termasuk bagian dari kesempurnaan dien, tentunya sudah ada sebelum Rasulullah saw. wafat. Bila tidak ada, berarti hal itu tidak mungkin menjadi bagian dari kesempurnaan dien, karena Allah berfirman, “Pada hari ini telah Kusempurnakan untuk kamu agamamu, dan telah kecukupkan nikmat-Ku kepadamu, dan telah Aku ridhai Islam sebagai agamamu.” (Al-Maidah: 3).<br /><br />Barang siapa yang menyatakan bahwa perayaan maulid adalah termasuk ajaran agama, maka ia telah membuat hal yang baru sepeninggal Rasulullah saw.. ucapannya mengandung kedustaan terhadap ayat yang mulia tersebut. <br /><br />Tidak diragukan lagi bahwa orang yang merayakan maulid Nabi, ingin mengagungkan beliau, ingin menampakkan kecintaan dan besarnya harapan untuk mendapatkan kasih sayang beliau dari perayaan yang diadakan, dan dan ingin menghidupkan semangat kecintaan kepada Nabi saw.. Sebenarnya semua ini adalah termasuk ibadah. Mencintai Rasul adalah ibadah, bahkan iman seseorang tidak sempurnya sehingga ia lebih mencintai Rasul dari pada dirinya, anaknya, orang tuanya, dan semua manusia. Mengagungkan Rasulullah saw. juga termasuk ibadah. Haus akan kasih sayang Rasulullah saw. juga merupakan bagian dari dien. Oleh karena itu, seseorang menjadi cenderung kepada syariat beliau. Jika demikian, tujuan merayakan maulid nabi adalah untuk bertaqarrub kepada Allah, dan pengagungan terhadap Rasul-Nya. Ini adalah ibadah. Bila ini ibadah, maka tidak boleh membuat hal yang baru –yang bukan dari Allah- dan dimasukkan ke dalam agama-Nya selama-lamanya. Maka dari itu, jelaslah bahwa perayaan maulid Nabi saw. adalah sesuatu yang diada-adakan (bidah) dan haram hukumnya.<br /><br />Selain itu, kita juga mendengar bahwa dalam perayaan ini terdapat kemungkaran-kemungkaran besar yang tidak diterima oleh syar’i, perasaan, ataupun akal. Mereka melantunkan nyanyian-nyanyian untuk maksud-maksud tertentu yang sangat berlebihan tentang Rasulullah saw.. Sehingga mereka menjadikan Rasulullah saw. lebih agung dari pada Allah. –kita berlindung kepada Allah dari hal tersebut-. Kita juga mendengar bahwa sebagian orang, karena kebodohan mereka, merayakan maulid Nabi, apabila salah seorang membacakan kisah tentang kelahiran Nabi saw. dan jika sudah sampai pada lafadz “Nabi dilahirkan”, mereka berdiri dengan serempak. Mereka berkata, “Rasulullah saw. telah datang, maka kami pun berdiri untuk mengagungkannya.” Ini adalah kebodohan. Dan ini bukanlah adab, karena beliau membenci bila disambut dengan berdiri. Para sahabat adalah orang yang paling mencintai dan mengagungkan beliau, tetapi mereka tidak berdiri bila menyambut beliau, karena mereka tahu bahwa beliau membenci hal itu. Saat beliau masih hidup saja tidak boleh apalagi setelah beliau tidak ada. <br /><br />Dalam bidah ini –bidah maulid Nabi yang terjadi setelah berlalunya tiga generasi mulia, yaitu para sahabat, tabi’in, dan tabi’ tabi’in- terdapat pula kemungkaran yang dilakukan oleh orang-orang yang merayakannya, yang bukan dari pokok ajaran dien. Terlebih lagi terjadinya ikhtilath (campur baur) antara laki-laki dan perempuan. Dan masih banyak kemungkaran-kemungkaran yang lain. (Majmu’ Fatawa, Syeikh Muhammad bin Shaleh Al-Utsaimin).<br /><br />Kiranya apa yang dikatakan oleh Syaikh Utsaimin di atas cukup menjelaskan kepada kita tentang hukum merayakan maulid Nabi saw.. <br /><br />Meskipun mengetahui sejarah dan mengenal Nabi saw. adalah wajib bagi kita, bangga –karena beliau adalah rahmat bagi seluruh alam- dan selalu mengenang beliau adalah tugas kita, namun tidak berarti kemudian kita diperbolehkan untuk memuji dan menyanjungnya secara berlebih-lebihan, dan tidak berarti kita boleh mengenangnya dengan melakukan perilaku dan amalan yang justru hal itu tidak pernah dilakukannya dan tidak dianjurkan olehnya. <br /><br />Seperti yang dilakukan oleh orang-orang sekarang, mereka merayakan maulid Nabi, yang mereka sebut dengan peringatan maulid Nabi, dengan melakukan berbagai amalan dan perbuatan yang justru hal itu bernilai berlebih-lebihan dalam memuji Nabi, atau bahkan merupakan hal baru yang mereka ada-adakan. Lebih dari itu, sebagian perilaku mereka itu ada yang termasuk dalam kategori kesyirikan, yaitu apabila mereka memuji Rasulullah saw. dengan sanjungan-sanjungan dan pujian-pujian yang berisi bahwa Rasulullah saw. mampu melakukan hal-hal yang seharusnya hanya hak dan kekuasaan Allah. <br /><br />Walaupun tujuan merayakannya adalah ibadah, namun karena tidak ada tuntunannya, maka perbuatan itu sia-sia belaka, dan justru berubah menjadi dosa dan pelanggaran. Karena ibadah itu harus dibangun dengan dalil yang menunjukkannya. <br /><br />Mengapa memperingati dan mengenang Nabi saw. harus dilakukan sekali dalam setahun, padahal sebagai muslim harus selalu mengenang Nabi dan meneladaninya dalam segala aspek kehidupannya. Bahkan minimal seorang muslim harus menyebut nama Nabi Muhammad saw. lima kali dalam sehari semalam, yaitu pada syahadat dalam salat wajib.<br /><br />Mengagungkan dan mencintai Nabi adalah sesuatu yang terpuji dan dianjurkan dalam Islam, tapi dalam pelaksanaannya, harus sesuai dengan apa yang diajarkan oleh Rasulullah saw.. Rasulullah saw. melarang umatnya melakukan sesuatu (ibadah) yang tidak pernah dicontohkan olehnya dalam segala hal.<br /><br />Bagaiamana mungkin, orang yang mengaku mencintai dan menyanjung Rasulullah saw. , akan tetapi justru melakukan sesuatu yang sangat dibenci olehnya. (Zen bin Choodry). <br /><br />Bolehkah Ruqyah Sebagai Profesi?<br />Pendahuluan<br /><br />Ruqyah adalah mengobati orang yang terkena kesurupan, gangguan atau kemasukan jin. Ruqyah syar`iyah adalah mengobati orang yang terkena kesurupan , gangguan atau kemasukan jin dengan cara-cara yang di syariatkan Islam, yaitu dengan ayat-ayat Alquran, Asma`ul husna, do`a-do`a yang berasal dari Alquran dan hadis. Islam melarang ruqyah dengan bantuan dukun, sihir, jin dan cara-cara lain yang bertentangan dengan Islam. <br /><br />Nabi mengizinkan ruqyah dengan Alquran, dzikir-dzikir, dan do`a-do`a selama tidak menngaundung syirik atau perkataan yang tidak bisa dimengerti maknanya. Berdasarkan hadis di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dari `Auf Bin Malik, Ia berkata, "Kami meruqyah di masa jahiliyyah , lalu kami berkata, Wahai Rasulullah! Bagaimana pendapat Anda tentang hal itu?` Beliau menjawab, Perlihatkanlah ruqyah kalian kepadaku. Tidak mengapa melakukan ruqyah selama tidak mengandung syirik." (HR. Muslim dan Abu Dawud). <br /><br />Para ulama telah bersepakat membolehkan ruqyah, apabila menurut kategori yang disebutkan tadi, serta menyakini bahwa ia adalah sebagai sebab, tidak ada pengaruh baginya kecuali dengan taqdir Allah. Adapun menggantungkan sesuatu di leher atau mengikatnya di salah satu anggota tubuh seseorang, jika bukan berasal dari Alquran, hukumnya haram, bahkan syirik. Berdasarkan hadits di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dari Imran bin Al Husain, bahwa Nabi melihat seseorang di tangannya ada gelang dari kuningan. Beliau bersabda,"Sesungguhnya ia tidak menambahkan anda selain kelemahan, lemparkanlah dari anda. Sesungguhnya jika anda meninggal dan dia tetap bersama anda, anda tidak akan beruntung selamanya." (HR. Ibnu Majah, Ahmad. Dihasankan Al Bushairi dalam Az Zawaa`id). <br /><br />Dan hadis yang diriwayatkan dari Uqbah bin Nafi` dari Nabi beliau bersabda, "Barang siapa yang meanggantung tamimah, semoga Allah tidak mengabulkan keinginannya, dan barang siapa menggantung wada`ah, semoga Allah tidak mmberi ketenangan padaa dirinya." (HR. Ahmad). <br /><br />Dari Ibnu mas`ud saya mendengar Rasulullah bersabda, "sesungguhnya ruqyah, tama`im dan tiwalah adalah syirik." (HR. Ahmad dan Abu Dawud). <br /><br />"Barang siapa menggantungkan tamimah, berarti dia telah berbuat syirik." (HR. Ahmad). <br /><br />Jika yang digantungkan adalah dari ayat-ayat Al Quran, maka pendapat yang shahih adalah dilarang pula karena tiga alasan : <br />a. Bersumber dari hadits-hadaits nabi yang melarang menggantungkan tamimah dan tidak ada dalil yang mengkhususkannya. <br />b. Menutup jalan, karena hal itu bisa membawa kepada menggantungkan yang bukan dari Alquran. <br />c. Jika ia menggantungkan dari yang demikian itu (Alquran), menjadi penghinaan dengan membawa serta di waktu buang air, istinja` dan jima` (bersetubuh), serta yang semisal dengannya.1 <br /><br />Hukum Mengambil Upah dari Meruqyah<br /><br />Perlu diketahui, bahwa bacaan ruqyah tidak akan berguna terhadaap orang yang sakit kecuali dengan beberapa syarat : <br />a. Pantasnya orang yang meruqyah adalah seorang yang baik, shalih, istiqamah dalam melaksanakan yang wajib, sunah, menghindari yang haram dan syubhat. <br />b. Tidak menentukan upah atas orang yang sakit, menjauhkan diri dari mengambil upah yang lebih dari kebutuhannya. Maka semua itu lebih mendukung kemanjuran ruqyahnya. <br />c. Mengenal ruqyah-ruqyah yang dibolehkan dalam syariat. <br />d. Orang yang sakit adalah orang yang sholeh ,baik , istiqamah dalam beragama dan jauh dari yang diharamkan. <br />e. Orang yang sakit menyakini bahwa Al Quran adalah pernawar ,rahmat dan obat yang berguna.2 <br /><br />Seharusnya Seorang raaqi/ yang meruqyah (berniat) berbuat baik dengan ruqyahnya untuk manfaat kaum muslimin dan mengharapkan pahala dari Allah dalam mngobati umat islam yang sakit, mennhilangkan bahaya dari mereka, dan tidak mengharapkan upah atas ruqyahnya. Tetapi ia menyerahkan perkaranya pada pasien. Jika mereka memberikan kepadaya melebihi jerih payahnya, ia mesti bersikap zuhud dan mengembalikannya. Jika upahnya kurang dari haknya, ia mesti membiarkan kekurangannya. <br />Syekh Abdullah Al Jibrin berkata, "Tidak ada halangan mengambil upah atas ruqyah syar`iyyah dengan syarat kesembuhan dari sakit." Dalinya adalah hadits riwayat Abu Sa`id , bahwasannya teman mereka meruqyah pemimpin suku tersebut setelah ada kesepakatan antara mereka atas upah sekelompok kambing, lalu mereka pun menepatinya. Nabi bersabda: <br /><br />"Bagilah dan tentukanlah satu bagian untukku bersama kalian." ( H.R. Bukhari Muslim ). "Sesungguhnya upah yang paling pantas kamu ambil adalah kitabullah (Alquran)." (HR. Bukhari). <br /><br />Beliau menetapkan kepada mereka penentuan syarat dan mereka pun memberikan bagian untuk beliau sebagai tanda kebolehannya, namun dengan syarat ia melakukan ruqyah syar`iyyah. Jika bukan ruqyah syar`iyyah maka tidak boleh. dan tidak disyariatkan melainkan setelah selamat dari sakit ( setelah sembuh ) dan hilangnya penyakit. Dan yang utama dalam membaca ruqyah adalah tidak memberi syarat, dan melakukan ruqyah untuk manfaat orang-orang beriman serta menghilangkan bahaya dan sakit. Dan jika memberikan syarat maka janganlah memberikan syarat yang ketat, namun sekadar keperluan mendesak. <br /><br />Hadits Abu Sa`id Al Khudry tersebut adalah menunjukkan bolehnya ruqyah dan mengambil upah atasnya. Syaikh Abdullah Al Jibrin juga mengatakan, "Kami katakan bahwa sesungguhnya dokter yang mengobati, apabila mensyaratkan upah tertentu , maka harus disyaratkan sembuh dan selamat dari sakit yang ditanganinya, kecuali apabila mereka sepakat untuk memberikan senilai biaya pengobatan dan obat-oabatan. Adapun jimat semacam ini, pada dasarnya adalah ruqyah, maksudnya membacakan atas pasien serta meludah disertai sedikit air liur. Demikian pula penulisan ayat-ayat di kertas dan seumpamanya dengan air za`faran, boleh mengambil upah atas yang demikian sebagai imbalan obat-obatan. Dan seperti ini air bersih dan minyak. Apabila dibacakan ayat-ayat Al Quran padanya, maka boleh baginya mengambil nilai biasanya, tanpa berlebih-lebihan dalam penetapan tarif yang tidak sebanding." 3 <br /><br />Hukum Ruqyah Sebagai Profesi dan Mendirikan Tempat Praktek untuknya<br /><br />Syaikh Shalih Al fauzan pernah ditanya, "Apa pendapat Syaikh tentang orang yang membuka praktek pengobatan dengan bacaan ruqyah?." <br /><br />Beliau menjawab, "Ini tidak boleh dilakukan karena ia membuka pintu fitnah, membuka pintu usaha bagi yang berusaha melakukan tipu muslihat. Ini bukanlah perbuatan As-Salafush Shalih bahwa mereka membuka rumah atau membuka tempat-tempat untuk tempat praktek. Melebarkan sayap dalam hal ini akan menimbulkan kejahatan, kerusakan masuk di dalamnya dan ikut serta di dalamnya orang yang tidak baik. Karena manusia berlari di belakang sifat tamak, ingin menarik hati manusia kepada mereka, kendati dengan melakukan hal yang diharamkan. Dan tidak boleh dikatakan,"Ini adalah orang shalih." Karena manusia mendapat fitnah, semoga Allah memberi perlindungan. Walaupun dia orang shalih maka membuka pintu ini tetap tidak boleh." 4 <br /><br />Banyak manusia berkenyakinan tentang kekhususan tertentu yang dimiliki oleh orang yang telah melakukan ruqyah (raaqi), sehingga mereka mempunyai anggapan (bersikap ghuluw/berlebihan) terhadap raaqi tentang apa-apa yang dibaca ketika sedang meruqyah. Aslinya dalam syariat Islam adalah saddu dzari`ah (mencegah bahaya) karena pekerjaan ruqyah ini kadang-kadang membuka pintu kejahatan dan kesesatan bagi ahli Islam. Cara-cara seperti ini (mengambil ruqyah sebagai profesi) tidak pernah ada (dasarnya) dari Nabi saw. dan tidak pula dikerjakan oleh satupun dari sahabatnya, serta tidak pernah dikerjakan salah seorang dari ahli ilmu dan ahli kemuliaan, walaupun mereka ada keperluan. Pada dasarnya kita harus mengikuti dan mencontoh mereka (Nabi, para sahabatnya, ahli ilmu, dan ahli kemuliaan). 5 <br /><br />Pada dasarnya bila seseorang menjadikan ruqyah sebagai profesi, ia akan disibukkan oleh urusan ini dan meninggalkan urusan-urusannya yang lain. Terkecuali bila seseorang tadi mempunyai pekerjaan dan tidak menjadikan ruqyah sebagai profesinya serta tidak membuka praktek, maka hal itu boleh-boleh saja. Dan dia hanya melanyani masyarakat yang membutuhkan bantuannya untuk diruqyah karena diganggu setan. Dia niatkan ruqyahnya untuk tolong menolong dalam kebaikan, amar ma`ruf nahi munkar, memerangi setan dan jin yang mengganggu manusia dan mengharapkan ridha Allah semata. Dia tidak mengharapkan upah dari manusia dan tidak menetapkan tarif besar kecilnya dari manusia. Bila di tengah-tengah ia meruqyah ada yang ikut (maksudnya adalah diberi upah), maka bila ia memerlukan boleh diambil. Dan bila ia tidak memerlukannya karena sudah merasa cukup, maka boleh tidak diambil sebagai sikap zuhud pada apa yang ada ditangan manusia. Karena pada dasarnya ia hanya mengharapkan ridha Allah dan wajah-Nya serta menolong manusia yang membutuhkan bantuannya. Melakukan ruqyah dengan niat seperti ini adalah dibolehkan dan disyariatkan . <br />Adapun bila ia melakukan ruqyah hanya dipakai sebagai profesi saja, membuka praktek, dan memasang tarif yang tinggi serta tidak ada unsur untuk membantu masyarakat yang membutuhkan pertolongannya. Maka meruqyah dengan niat seperti ini, jelas bertentangan dengan syariat. Wallahu A`lam Bish Shawab. <br /><br /><br />Bolehkah Ruqyah Sebagai Profesi?<br />Pendahuluan<br /><br />Ruqyah adalah mengobati orang yang terkena kesurupan, gangguan atau kemasukan jin. Ruqyah syar`iyah adalah mengobati orang yang terkena kesurupan , gangguan atau kemasukan jin dengan cara-cara yang di syariatkan Islam, yaitu dengan ayat-ayat Alquran, Asma`ul husna, do`a-do`a yang berasal dari Alquran dan hadis. Islam melarang ruqyah dengan bantuan dukun, sihir, jin dan cara-cara lain yang bertentangan dengan Islam. <br /><br />Nabi mengizinkan ruqyah dengan Alquran, dzikir-dzikir, dan do`a-do`a selama tidak menngaundung syirik atau perkataan yang tidak bisa dimengerti maknanya. Berdasarkan hadis di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dari `Auf Bin Malik, Ia berkata, "Kami meruqyah di masa jahiliyyah , lalu kami berkata, Wahai Rasulullah! Bagaimana pendapat Anda tentang hal itu?` Beliau menjawab, Perlihatkanlah ruqyah kalian kepadaku. Tidak mengapa melakukan ruqyah selama tidak mengandung syirik." (HR. Muslim dan Abu Dawud). <br /><br />Para ulama telah bersepakat membolehkan ruqyah, apabila menurut kategori yang disebutkan tadi, serta menyakini bahwa ia adalah sebagai sebab, tidak ada pengaruh baginya kecuali dengan taqdir Allah. Adapun menggantungkan sesuatu di leher atau mengikatnya di salah satu anggota tubuh seseorang, jika bukan berasal dari Alquran, hukumnya haram, bahkan syirik. Berdasarkan hadits di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dari Imran bin Al Husain, bahwa Nabi melihat seseorang di tangannya ada gelang dari kuningan. Beliau bersabda,"Sesungguhnya ia tidak menambahkan anda selain kelemahan, lemparkanlah dari anda. Sesungguhnya jika anda meninggal dan dia tetap bersama anda, anda tidak akan beruntung selamanya." (HR. Ibnu Majah, Ahmad. Dihasankan Al Bushairi dalam Az Zawaa`id). <br /><br />Dan hadis yang diriwayatkan dari Uqbah bin Nafi` dari Nabi beliau bersabda, "Barang siapa yang meanggantung tamimah, semoga Allah tidak mengabulkan keinginannya, dan barang siapa menggantung wada`ah, semoga Allah tidak mmberi ketenangan padaa dirinya." (HR. Ahmad). <br /><br />Dari Ibnu mas`ud saya mendengar Rasulullah bersabda, "sesungguhnya ruqyah, tama`im dan tiwalah adalah syirik." (HR. Ahmad dan Abu Dawud). <br /><br />"Barang siapa menggantungkan tamimah, berarti dia telah berbuat syirik." (HR. Ahmad). <br /><br />Jika yang digantungkan adalah dari ayat-ayat Al Quran, maka pendapat yang shahih adalah dilarang pula karena tiga alasan : <br />a. Bersumber dari hadits-hadaits nabi yang melarang menggantungkan tamimah dan tidak ada dalil yang mengkhususkannya. <br />b. Menutup jalan, karena hal itu bisa membawa kepada menggantungkan yang bukan dari Alquran. <br />c. Jika ia menggantungkan dari yang demikian itu (Alquran), menjadi penghinaan dengan membawa serta di waktu buang air, istinja` dan jima` (bersetubuh), serta yang semisal dengannya.1 <br /><br />Hukum Mengambil Upah dari Meruqyah<br /><br />Perlu diketahui, bahwa bacaan ruqyah tidak akan berguna terhadaap orang yang sakit kecuali dengan beberapa syarat : <br />a. Pantasnya orang yang meruqyah adalah seorang yang baik, shalih, istiqamah dalam melaksanakan yang wajib, sunah, menghindari yang haram dan syubhat. <br />b. Tidak menentukan upah atas orang yang sakit, menjauhkan diri dari mengambil upah yang lebih dari kebutuhannya. Maka semua itu lebih mendukung kemanjuran ruqyahnya. <br />c. Mengenal ruqyah-ruqyah yang dibolehkan dalam syariat. <br />d. Orang yang sakit adalah orang yang sholeh ,baik , istiqamah dalam beragama dan jauh dari yang diharamkan. <br />e. Orang yang sakit menyakini bahwa Al Quran adalah pernawar ,rahmat dan obat yang berguna.2 <br /><br />Seharusnya Seorang raaqi/ yang meruqyah (berniat) berbuat baik dengan ruqyahnya untuk manfaat kaum muslimin dan mengharapkan pahala dari Allah dalam mngobati umat islam yang sakit, mennhilangkan bahaya dari mereka, dan tidak mengharapkan upah atas ruqyahnya. Tetapi ia menyerahkan perkaranya pada pasien. Jika mereka memberikan kepadaya melebihi jerih payahnya, ia mesti bersikap zuhud dan mengembalikannya. Jika upahnya kurang dari haknya, ia mesti membiarkan kekurangannya. <br />Syekh Abdullah Al Jibrin berkata, "Tidak ada halangan mengambil upah atas ruqyah syar`iyyah dengan syarat kesembuhan dari sakit." Dalinya adalah hadits riwayat Abu Sa`id , bahwasannya teman mereka meruqyah pemimpin suku tersebut setelah ada kesepakatan antara mereka atas upah sekelompok kambing, lalu mereka pun menepatinya. Nabi bersabda: <br /><br />"Bagilah dan tentukanlah satu bagian untukku bersama kalian." ( H.R. Bukhari Muslim ). "Sesungguhnya upah yang paling pantas kamu ambil adalah kitabullah (Alquran)." (HR. Bukhari). <br /><br />Beliau menetapkan kepada mereka penentuan syarat dan mereka pun memberikan bagian untuk beliau sebagai tanda kebolehannya, namun dengan syarat ia melakukan ruqyah syar`iyyah. Jika bukan ruqyah syar`iyyah maka tidak boleh. dan tidak disyariatkan melainkan setelah selamat dari sakit ( setelah sembuh ) dan hilangnya penyakit. Dan yang utama dalam membaca ruqyah adalah tidak memberi syarat, dan melakukan ruqyah untuk manfaat orang-orang beriman serta menghilangkan bahaya dan sakit. Dan jika memberikan syarat maka janganlah memberikan syarat yang ketat, namun sekadar keperluan mendesak. <br /><br />Hadits Abu Sa`id Al Khudry tersebut adalah menunjukkan bolehnya ruqyah dan mengambil upah atasnya. Syaikh Abdullah Al Jibrin juga mengatakan, "Kami katakan bahwa sesungguhnya dokter yang mengobati, apabila mensyaratkan upah tertentu , maka harus disyaratkan sembuh dan selamat dari sakit yang ditanganinya, kecuali apabila mereka sepakat untuk memberikan senilai biaya pengobatan dan obat-oabatan. Adapun jimat semacam ini, pada dasarnya adalah ruqyah, maksudnya membacakan atas pasien serta meludah disertai sedikit air liur. Demikian pula penulisan ayat-ayat di kertas dan seumpamanya dengan air za`faran, boleh mengambil upah atas yang demikian sebagai imbalan obat-obatan. Dan seperti ini air bersih dan minyak. Apabila dibacakan ayat-ayat Al Quran padanya, maka boleh baginya mengambil nilai biasanya, tanpa berlebih-lebihan dalam penetapan tarif yang tidak sebanding." 3 <br /><br />Hukum Ruqyah Sebagai Profesi dan Mendirikan Tempat Praktek untuknya<br /><br />Syaikh Shalih Al fauzan pernah ditanya, "Apa pendapat Syaikh tentang orang yang membuka praktek pengobatan dengan bacaan ruqyah?." <br /><br />Beliau menjawab, "Ini tidak boleh dilakukan karena ia membuka pintu fitnah, membuka pintu usaha bagi yang berusaha melakukan tipu muslihat. Ini bukanlah perbuatan As-Salafush Shalih bahwa mereka membuka rumah atau membuka tempat-tempat untuk tempat praktek. Melebarkan sayap dalam hal ini akan menimbulkan kejahatan, kerusakan masuk di dalamnya dan ikut serta di dalamnya orang yang tidak baik. Karena manusia berlari di belakang sifat tamak, ingin menarik hati manusia kepada mereka, kendati dengan melakukan hal yang diharamkan. Dan tidak boleh dikatakan,"Ini adalah orang shalih." Karena manusia mendapat fitnah, semoga Allah memberi perlindungan. Walaupun dia orang shalih maka membuka pintu ini tetap tidak boleh." 4 <br /><br />Banyak manusia berkenyakinan tentang kekhususan tertentu yang dimiliki oleh orang yang telah melakukan ruqyah (raaqi), sehingga mereka mempunyai anggapan (bersikap ghuluw/berlebihan) terhadap raaqi tentang apa-apa yang dibaca ketika sedang meruqyah. Aslinya dalam syariat Islam adalah saddu dzari`ah (mencegah bahaya) karena pekerjaan ruqyah ini kadang-kadang membuka pintu kejahatan dan kesesatan bagi ahli Islam. Cara-cara seperti ini (mengambil ruqyah sebagai profesi) tidak pernah ada (dasarnya) dari Nabi saw. dan tidak pula dikerjakan oleh satupun dari sahabatnya, serta tidak pernah dikerjakan salah seorang dari ahli ilmu dan ahli kemuliaan, walaupun mereka ada keperluan. Pada dasarnya kita harus mengikuti dan mencontoh mereka (Nabi, para sahabatnya, ahli ilmu, dan ahli kemuliaan). 5 <br /><br />Pada dasarnya bila seseorang menjadikan ruqyah sebagai profesi, ia akan disibukkan oleh urusan ini dan meninggalkan urusan-urusannya yang lain. Terkecuali bila seseorang tadi mempunyai pekerjaan dan tidak menjadikan ruqyah sebagai profesinya serta tidak membuka praktek, maka hal itu boleh-boleh saja. Dan dia hanya melanyani masyarakat yang membutuhkan bantuannya untuk diruqyah karena diganggu setan. Dia niatkan ruqyahnya untuk tolong menolong dalam kebaikan, amar ma`ruf nahi munkar, memerangi setan dan jin yang mengganggu manusia dan mengharapkan ridha Allah semata. Dia tidak mengharapkan upah dari manusia dan tidak menetapkan tarif besar kecilnya dari manusia. Bila di tengah-tengah ia meruqyah ada yang ikut (maksudnya adalah diberi upah), maka bila ia memerlukan boleh diambil. Dan bila ia tidak memerlukannya karena sudah merasa cukup, maka boleh tidak diambil sebagai sikap zuhud pada apa yang ada ditangan manusia. Karena pada dasarnya ia hanya mengharapkan ridha Allah dan wajah-Nya serta menolong manusia yang membutuhkan bantuannya. Melakukan ruqyah dengan niat seperti ini adalah dibolehkan dan disyariatkan . <br />Adapun bila ia melakukan ruqyah hanya dipakai sebagai profesi saja, membuka praktek, dan memasang tarif yang tinggi serta tidak ada unsur untuk membantu masyarakat yang membutuhkan pertolongannya. Maka meruqyah dengan niat seperti ini, jelas bertentangan dengan syariat. Wallahu A`lam Bish Shawab. <br /><br />Menjaga Kehormatan<br />Sungguh merupakan bahaya besar yang tidak disadari oleh kebanyakan umat Islam, ketika angin fitnah berhembus kencang menerpa mereka. Tak banyak yang mampu teguh berdiri kokoh. Jika seseorang berhasil mengatasi fitnah syubhat, belum tentu mampu menepis fitnah syahwat, atau sebaliknya. Hingga akhirnya, mereka tidak lagi terlihat melindungi dan menjaga harga diri dan kehormatan. Justru mencampakkan dan menggantinya dengan kehinaan. <br /><br />Itulah fenomena yang terlihat di hadapan mata kita, terutama pada kaum wanita. Keadaan umat semakin terlihat kacau, mereka tampak jauh dari petunjuk Alquran dan sunah, sehingga mereka sangat mudah dipatahkan, karena tidak mempunyai kekuatan prinsip sama sekali. Sampai-sampai orang yang ingin tetap komitmen terhadap agamanya dan menjaga kesucian diri (iffah) nya merasa berat menghadapi kenyataan, dan selalu berhadapan dengan bahaya yang mengerikan. <br /><br />Kenyataan tersebut berawal dari hanyutnya sebagian kaum muslimin terhadap propaganda-propaganda dan slogan-slogan batil yang dilancarkan musuh-musuh Islam. Westernisasi (pemberdayaan budaya Barat) oleh umat tidak dihitung sebagai upaya penggeseran nilai-nilai akidah. Sehingga, dengan berbagai dalih seperti globalisasi atau universalisasi musuh berhasil menipu umat. Maka, semakin jauhlah manusia dari petunjuk dan kebenaran. Isu globalisasi tersebut telah berhasil mencampuradukkan antara kebenaran dan kebatilan, antara kebaikan dan kemungkaran, antara sunah dan bidah, juga antara Islam dan non-Islam. <br /><br />Teori inilah yang paling jitu untuk melunturkan agama dari dalam diri orang beriman, dan mengubah umat Islam menjadi binatang piaraan yang mudah dihalau dan dikendalikan. Dengan hal itu, mereka meninabobokkan umat, membuatnya terlena dalam kesenangan nafsu, sehingga perasaan menjadi tumpul tidak mengetahui mana yang baik dan mana yang mungkar. Bahkan, ada di antara mereka yang perlahan-lahan mulai murtad dari ajarannya. <br /><br />Semua ini akibat dari sikap meremehkan kaidah al-wala' wal-bara' atau loyalitas kepada agama dan pembebasan diri dari selainnya. Selain itu, karena adanya penodaan terhadap makna cinta dan benci karena Allah, pembungkaman mulut untuk mengatakan kebenaran, dan munculnya berbagai tuduhan yang dilontarkan kepada orang yang masih mempunyai kebaikan dan berusaha memperjuangkan kebenaran. Mereka dituduh sebagai teroris, ektremis, radikalis, fundamentalis, dan lain-lainnya, bahkan julukan-julukan yang sangat keji. <br /><br />Di antara upaya yang sangat membahayakan dan berpengaruh besar dalam meluluhlantakkan umat Islam dan menghanyutkan mereka dalam gelombang kesenangan syahwat dan kemerosotan akhlak adalah penyebaran fitnah berupa upaya memalingkan kaum wanita Islam dari penjagaan-penjagaan keutamaan yang ada dalam diri mereka kepada pintu-pintu kehancuran dan pembukaan berbagai perbuatan keji. Sehingga, kebanyakan wanita Islam tidak lagi terlihat melindungi dan memelihara kehormatan serta harga diri, malah mengobrak-abrik, merusak, dan menjadikannya hina. <br /><br />Dengan semboyan HAM, kebebasan kaum wanita, kesetaraan gender, dan lain-lainnya yang semuanya bersumber dari paham demokrasi yang sesat dan menyesatkan. Dengan itu mereka telah berhasil mengubah pola pikir wanita-wanita Islam. Sehingga, dengan serta merta kaum wanita Islam mulai meninggalkan hijab, ikut meramaikan budaya mengumbar aurat di depan umum, bertabarruj (berdandan), dan sufur (buka-bukaan aurat), berpenampilan tidak senonoh, dan ikut terlibat dalam pornografi maupun pornoaksi. <br /><br />Di Indonesia, negara berkembang yang berpenduduk mayoritas muslim dan akrab dengan budaya ketimuran, sudah mulai terasa derasnya arus budaya Barat. Kaum muslimin mulai mengadopsi budaya-budaya bejat itu. Kaum remaja tanpa batas leluasa meniru gaya orang-orang kafir Barat, mulai dari trend mode pakaian, gaya bergaul, dan gaya hidup. Maka, tidak heran jika remaja yang tinggal di kota-kota besar sudah akrab dengan budaya seks bebas. Anehnya, para orang tua tidak sedikit yang justru ikut membantu dan mendorong putra-putrinya ke jurang kenistaan dan kemerosotan moral itu. Na'udzubillah min dzalik. <br /><br />Musuh-musuh Islam menggunakan cara-cara yang sangat halus dalam melancarkan aksi untuk sampai pada tujuan mereka. Tahap awal yang mereka lakukan adalah menggalakkan budaya ikhtilath (campur-baur antara laki-laki dan perempuan). <br /><br />Ikhtilath yang jelas-jelas tegas dilarang oleh Islam sudah ditanamkan mulai pada anak usia TK hingga di perguruan-perguruan tinggi. Penyebaran budaya sesat ini yang paling gencar melalui media informasi. Di Indonesia kebanyakan acara-acara TV ataupun radio yang bertema kaum muda rata-rata menjiplak acara-acara dari negara-negara Barat. Kita saksikan di bebarapa stasiun TV berbagai program acara yang justru mendidik kawula muda untuk hidup bebas. Ada acara AFI, KDI, Indonesia Idol, Indonesian Star, Penghuni Terakhir, dan lain-lainnya. Hampir setiap stasiun TV di Indonesia menampilkan acara-acara yang tidak lagi mengindahkan moral dan etika agama. Tidak hanya ikhtilath yang kelihatan, namun kehidupan bebas yang dimeriahkan. Jadi, seakan kawula muda diarahkan untuk menerapkan budaya bebas itu dengan cara menyuguhi mereka acara-acara yang sarat dengan pengajaran hidup bebas. <br /><br />Dari situ kemudian dampaknya mulai meningkat lebih parah. Hijab, kerudung, atau biasa disebut jilbab mulai ditinggalkan oleh kaum muslimah. Atau, paling tidak ada penggeseran dari nilai-nilai dasarnya. Mereka yang masih mau menunjukkan identitas muslimahnya tidak lagi memakai kerudung yang sesuai dengan aturan syariat Islam, tetapi memakai kerudung-kerudung mungil, gaul, sesuai mode yang pada hakikatnya melanggar aturan Islam. Tindakan ini tidak menambah kebaikan sama sekali pada pelakunya, justru jika menggalakkan sunnah sayyiah (budaya yang tidak sesuai dengan Islam), mereka akan mendapat multilevel dosa. <br /><br />Yang lebih parah lagi ketika kaum muslimah sudah mulai mengadopsi cara perpakaian orang Barat, yang jelas mengumbar aurat. Bagi remaja putri, mungkin saat ini akan malu jika perpakaian longgar. Gaya berpakaian ala Barat ini sudah dikenalkan pada anak-anak yang baru usia TK. Maka tidak heran jika kita lihat hampir di semua tempat adanya kenyataan yang sangat memprihatinkan. Mereka yang mengaku sebagai muslimah memakai pakaian-pakaian yang ketat, bahkan super ketat yang menampakkan lekuk-lekuk keindahan tubuhnya. Dalam hal ini, disadari maupun tidak disadari, dari fenomena ini diketahui bahwa mereka sudah jauh dari moral dan sangat jauh dari akhlak yang benar. Gaya berpakaian dengan menampakkan pusar atau bagian perut bahkan dada sudah sangat sulit untuk dihindari. Sehingga orang yang masih menjaga dirinya merasa risih dengan fenomena ini. Sudah demikian jauhkah keadaan mereka sehingga mereka tidak mengetahui ancaman Rasulullah terhadap wanita-wanita yang memakai busana namun seperti telanjang bahwa mereka adalah calon penghuni neraka? <br /><br />Ada yang berusaha membungkus kebusukan ini dengan cara yang lain. Yaitu, ketika sebagian tetap memakai kerudung (tentu saja yang mungil, trendi, gaul, dan tidak memenuhi sarat Islam), namun mereka tetap memakai pakaian-pakaian yang ketat. Cara berkerudungnya sudah salah, ditambah dengan pakaian yang tidak senonoh. <br /><br />Semua itu menunjukkan hilangnya harga diri dan kehormatan sebagian wanita muslimah. Dan, karena kebanyakan manusia sudah diliputi hawa nafsu akibat jauhnya dari petunjuk, maka pemandangan semacam itu tidak lagi menjadi masalah, justru dinikmati, dibela dan diperjuangkan. Na'udzubillah min dzalik. <br /><br />Sebenarnya masalah ini menjadi tanggung jawab semua lapisan kaum muslimin. Semua harus berupaya semampunya untuk mengembalikan citra, harga diri, dan kehormatan Islam. Bagi orang tua hendaknya mendidik putra-putrinya agar berakhlak dan berbudaya Islam, dan tidak membiarkan mereka larut dengan gaya-gaya orang kafir. Bagi para guru supaya menanamkan nilai-nilai Islam kepada anak didiknya agar terbentuk pola pikir Islam. Bagi para dai supaya tidak bosan menyuarakan kebenaran dan ajakan untuk kembali kepada Alquran dan sunah. Dan bagi semua pihak, terutama kaum wanita, agar bertakwa kepada Allah, berserah diri kepada-Nya, tunduk pada tuntunan Rasulullah saw., tidak mudah terbujuk oleh rayuan dan bisikan penyeru kerusakan. Barang siapa mempunyai iman dan keyakinan yang kuat, pastilah ia membentengi diri dengan berpegang teguh pada tuntunan syariat Allah. <br /><br />Sesungguhnya awal kesuksesan hidup, keselamatan, dan kebahagiaan yang hakiki adalah mengikuti sunnah (petunjuk) Rasulullah saw. Sebaliknya, awal kesengsaraan, kehancuran, dan malapetaka adalah mengikuti hawa nafsu. Setiap yang menyelisihi sunah adalah hawa nafsu, dan hawa nafsu mengikuti setan. Maka, marilah kita sesuaikan segala aspek kehidupan kita dengan petunjuk Rasulullah saw. agar harga diri dan kehormatan kita tetap terjaga. Wallahu a'lam (Zen Al-Choodry). <br /><br /><br /><br />Sikap dan Solusi atas Kelemahan Aqidah Umat<br />Allah SWT menciptakan manusia dengan dua ketentuan: ketentuan bersifat mutlak sebagai kehendak Allah yang disebut iradah kauniyyah dan ketentuan yang menghendaki menusia berjalan menuju ke jalan kebenaran atau disebut iradah syar'iyyah. Dalam iradah kauniyyah, manusia tidak dimintai pertanggungjawaban atas kehendak Allah yang terjadi padanya: mengapa ia menjadi seorang pria atau wanita, mengapa muka kita seperti ini, mengapa berbadan tinggi, dan yang semacamnya. <br /><br />Ketentuan kedua Allah, iradah syar'iyyah, menghendaki manusia berjalan menuju kebenaran. Untuk tujuan tersebut, Allah memberikan sejumlah perangkat. Pengutusan para rasul yang ditutup oleh Nabi kita, Muhammad saw., adalah salah satunya. Barang siapa yang menerima dan memegang komitmen dalam hidupnya sesuai dengan kehendak Allah, maka dia selamat dunia maupun akhirat (lihat An-Nahl: 97). Tetapi sebaliknya, jika ia menolak dengan berpegang pada isme-isme buatan jin dan manusia, dia tersesat di dunia dan merugi di akhirat (lihat Taha: 124-126). Atas dasar itu, terjadi tarik-menarik antara kebenaran dan kebatilan. Bendera kebenaran dibawa oleh para nabi, sedang bendera kebatilan dibawa oleh setan dan konco-konconya dari jin dan manusia (Al-An'am: 112). Maka, sejak iblis diusir dari neraka, dia bersumpah untuk menyesatkan seluruh manusia, kecuali hamba Allah yang bersyukur (Al-A'raf: 12-18). Upaya penyesatan itu berlangsung sampai hari kiamat. Maka, sejak itu terjadi dua kelompok yang selalu tarik-menarik, seperti firman Allah SWT (yang artinya), "Orang yang beriman di jalan Allah, sedangkan orang-orang kafir berjuang di jalan thaghut, maka perangilah pembela-pembela seitan, sesungguhnya tipu daya syaitan itu lemah." (An-Nisa: 76). <br /><br />Upaya perusakan setan dilakukan melalui dua arah. Pertama, fitnah syubhat berupa wacana pemikiran dan keyakinan yang berlawanan dengan kebenaran. Fitnah ini diusung oleh non-muslim (baca: kafir), atau juga lewat orang muslim yang berpenyakit (baca: munafik). Kedua, fitnah syahwat dalam perilaku seksual. Jika seorang muslim terkena salah satu fitnah tersebut atau bahkan keduanya, daya memperjuangkan Islamnya akan lumpuh. <br /><br />Dalam melumpuhkan kekuatan umat Islam, musuh-musuh Islam menggunakan segala macam cara yang terus-menerus dikembangkan, baik melalui eksternal (vis to vis dengan kaum muslimin) maupun internal (pembusukan dari dalam). Dan itu dilakukan sepanjang sejarah perjuangan umat Islam. Semenjak dari negara pimpinan Nabi saw., lalu dinasti Umayyah, Abbasiyyah, dinasti-dinasti lain, dan sampai yang terakhir, Utsmaniyah. Dicatat oleh Dr. Abdul Halim dalam kitabnya, Asbaabu Suquuthi Tsalatsiina Daulah Islamiyah (Sebab-Sebab Kejatuhan 30 Negara Islam), bahwa kejatuhan negara-negara Islam umumnya disebabkan oleh hal-hal di atas, dari penyimpangan ideologi sampai penyimpangan moral. <br /><br />Faktor Eksternal yang Menggerogoti Umat Islam <br /><br />Kerja sama zionisme dan salibisme internasional dalam menghadapi umat Islam dicatat Dr. Umar al-Faruk dalam bukunya, Segi Tiga: Penjajahan, Orientalisme, dan Kristenisasi, sebagai usaha yang memporak-porandakan kekuatan umat Islam di seluruh dunia. <br /><br />Kita melihat bagaimana Portugal, Inggris, dan Belanda ketika menjajah Indonesia. Ketiga hal di atas (penjajahan, orientalisme, dan kristenisasi) menjadi suatu langkah kongret usaha mereka yang berhasil mengangkangi umat Islam Indonesia berabad-abad. Mereka memperlakukan umat Islam sekehendaknya, dan bagi yang menentang, dikenakan tuduhan ektresmis, fundamentalis, dan lain-lain. <br /><br />Ketika penjajah sudah hengkang, peranan mereka digantikan oleh kaum intelek kita yang menjadi perpanjangan tangan para orientalis dengan mengampanyekan paham-paham mereka atas nama nasionalisme, modernisme, sekularisasi, desakralisasi, reaktualisasi, pribumisasi, dan semacamnya. Hal tersebut diungkapkan R. William Lidle dalam bukunya, Islam, Politik, dan Modernisasi. Di antara wacana-wacana itu, yang kini lumayan naik daun adalah Islam Liberal. <br /><br />Perkembangan Islam Liberal telah mendominasi para intelektual kita. Greg Burton dalam bukunya, Islam Liberal di Indonesia, menyebutkan paling tidak ada tiga nama besar pembawa gagasan paham ini di Indonesia: Nurcholis Majid, Abdurrahman Wahid, dan Johan Effendi. <br /><br />Ditinjau dari sudut pemerintahan, perjalanan peran umat Islam dipegang oleh tiga elemen. Pertama, elemen nasionalis muslim, Soekarno, yang dilanjutkan oleh Soeharto, lalu Habibie. Mereka adalah tipe pemimpin sekuler yang mengadopsi paham Islam formalistik. Kepemimpinan model ini telah gagal menciptakan kesejahteraan umat, bahkan keadaannya termarjinalkan. Elemen kedua adalah kelompok modernis dan Islam liberal. Di bawah kepemimpinan Gus Dur, model ini terbukti gagal juga. <br /><br />Terakhir, kaum kafirin khawatir akan lahirnya elemen ketiga, yang nantinya membawa kemenangan dan kesejahteraan Islam melalui kekuasaan, secara de facto dan de jure. Elemen ketiga itu mereka sebut fundamentalisme. <br /><br />Roger Garraudy menyebut fundamentalisme sebagai antitesis bagi sekularisme. Sementara, mantan Presiden Amerika Richard Nixon setidaknya menginventarisasi lima pemicu munculnya kaum fundamentalis dalam Islam. Pertama, mereka yang digerakkan kebencian terhadap Barat/anti-Barat. Kedua, mereka yang bersikeras mengembalikan peradaban Islam yang lalu. Ketiga, mereka yang bertujuan mengaplikasikan syariat Islam. Keempat, mereka yang mempropagandakan bahwa Islam adalah agama dan negara. Kelima, mereka yang menjadikan masa lalu itu sebagai penuntun masa depan, mereka ini bukan orang-orang konservatif, namun cukup revolusioner (Adian Husaini, Yusril Versus Masyumi, hal. 49). <br /><br />Fundamentalisme benar-benar dianggap ancaman oleh blok kafir yang dikomandoi oleh Barat. Mata dunia terbuka lebar ketika menyaksikan Sovyet yang kokoh bertekuk lutut di hadapan para mujahidin Afghanistan, yang oleh mereka disebut muslim fundamentalis. Sebuah bukti bahwa kekuatan fisik dan mesin-mesin perang tidak cukup ampuh melawan gelora jihad (mereka menyebutnya fundamentalisme). Maka, tidak heran jika kemudian tesis Samuel Huntington, The Class of Civilisation/Benturan Peradaban, mereka jadikan kemudi untuk menyudutkan umat Islam di seluruh dunia. Lalu, dibuatlah isu terorisme untuk membungkam gelora jihad umat Islam sehingga tidak mempunyai perlawanan lagi. Betul kata Nabi saw., "Tidaklah suatu kaum meninggalkan jihad kecuali akan hina." <br /><br />Adapun gerakan kristenisasi, yang berjalan terus semenjak masa penjajahan hingga kini, imbasnya jelas-jelas dirasakan oleh umat Islam di berbagai pelosok daerah. Grafik statistik kependudukan tentang kuantitas kaum muslimin yang menurun drastis adalah bukti yang autentik. Padahal, Indonesia mempunyai piranti undang-undang yang melarang pemaksaan agama. <br /><br />Jika memperhatikan keadaan umat Islam, akan kita dapati berbagai indikasi kemerosotan dalam hampir seluruh aspek kehidupan, baik akidah, ibadah, maupun moralitas. Fenomena kemusyrikan terjadi di mana-mana. Di antara yang paling menonjol adalah praktik perdukunan. Ditambah lagi dengan pesatnya perkembangan aliran-aliran sesat yang memanfaatkan kebodohan umat. <br />Dalam ibadah ritual, umat Islam masih jauh dari masjid, terutama salat subuh. Dari segi moralitas, sudah nyata-nyata bobrok. Sebagai ilustrasi, Jakarta yang penduduknya 80% muslim, dengan jumlah masjid 2.400, musala 5.500, dan majelis taklim 6.750 (data statistik 1997), mencetak rekor tertinggi dalam peredaran narkoba skala nasional, sekitar 60%, sedang sisanya tersebar di wilayah-wilayah lainnya. <br /><br />Budaya munafik, sikap ulama yang tidak berpihak kepada umat dalam bentuk pembodohan atas nama ketaatan, sikap para penguasa muslim dengan komitmen Islam yang lemah, sikap masa bodoh para pengusaha muslim dalam mengentaskan kemiskinan, dan tampilnya ulama-ulama kagetan yang bodoh tetapi sok pintar, serta berbagai macam penyakit umat yang sudah sangat kronis, pengobatannya membutuhkan waktu yang cukup lama dengan melibatkan semua elemen umat Islam yang terampil untuk bangkit menyelamatkan umat dari jurang kehancuran. Dari kezaliman menuju keadilan Islam; dari kebodohan menuju kesadaran Islam. <br /><br />Faktor Internal Penyebab Kelemahan Umat <br /><br />Jika ditinjau lebih jauh, masyarakat muslim di berbagai pelosok Indonesia terpecah-pecah dalam berbagai sekat kelompok, organisasi dan model dakwah variatif lainnya, dengan klaim masing-masing kelompok paling benar. Realita itulah yang menyebabkan kekuatan dakwah tercecer. <br /><br />Berbicara tentang dakwah berarti berbicara risalah Islam. Sudahkah ia terimplementasi dengan baik? Seberapa jauh pemahaman dai kita tentang metode dakwah Rasulullah? Seberapa banyak dai yang diterjunkan ke dalam masyarakat? Setingkat apa kualifikasi mereka? Bagaimana intensifitas dakwah mereka? Sejauh mana mereka dapat menghindarkan masyarakat muslim dari keterperosokan moral? Pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini penting untuk direnungkan, mengingat bahwa kebangkitan umat Islam dari multidimensi yang dialaminya sangat bergantung pada keberhasilan peranan dakwah. <br /><br />Dalam tataran lokal (Indonesia), kelemahan dakwah telah sampai pada tingkat yang luar biasa, sehingga sulit mengharapkan sebuah kebangkitan Islam dalam jangka waktu yang pendek. Indikasi kelemahan tersebut antara lain sebagai berikut. <br /><br />Masih meratanya tingkat kebodohan tentang Islam. <br /><br />Banyaknya syirik, bidah, khurafat, dan takhayul. <br /><br />Dekadensi moral yang mengerikan. <br /><br />Permusuhan antar-umat yang kerap terjadi hanya karena sebuah perbedaan. <br /><br />Integritas pribadi para dai yang bermasalah. <br /><br />Masjid-masjid banyak yang kosong dan difungsikan hanya untuk salat. <br /><br />Pendidikan agama di sekolah-sekolah mengkhawatirkan. <br /><br />Mayoritas masyarakat muslim enggan menampakkan penampilan Islamnya. <br /><br />Banyak daerah yang tidak terjamah dakwah karena kurangnya dai dan diperparah oleh penyebaran aliran sesat yang sangat luas. <br /><br />Fanatisme tiap-tiap kelompok yang sulit dipertemukan. <br /><br />Dan lain-lain. <br /><br />Solusi Problematika Umat: Menegakkan Islam dengan Cara Islam <br /><br />Sub-judul di atas menggambarkan upaya sungguh-sungguh untuk memahami dan mempraktikkan dengan benar penegakan syariat Islam dengan cara yang sesuai dengan Islam. Meskipun pada kenyataannya banyak upaya yang dilakukan umat Islam dalam menegakan kalimat Allah itu dengan berbagai cara. Ada kalanya islami tetapi parsial, ada pula yang tidak islami tetapi berusaha melegitimasi dengan dalil-dalil syar'i dengan lebih banyak bersifat ijthadi pada saat ada dalil, sebab ijtihad dilakukan pada saat tidak ada dalil atau dalil bisa dipahami lebih dari satu pengertian. <br /><br />Karena itu, kita dapati berbagai corak perjuangan yang dilakukan umat Islam satu sama lain menekankan pentingnya bidang garapan yang digelutinya. Para politisi muslim, umpamanya, menekankan perjuangan Islam yang paling efektif adalah melalui jalur politik. Sementara, para ekonom muslim menganalisis, mana mungkin perjuangan Islam bisa berhasil kalau umat Islam lemah ekonominya. Demikian pula para juru dakwah, mereka harus mengemukakakan bahwa perjuangan Islam yang paling dominan adalah dengan kembali berpegang kepada Islam agar mereka jaya, tanpa memperinci lebih jauh apa dan bagaimana merealisasikannya, dans seterusnya. <br /><br />Tanggung Jawab Personal <br /><br />Kita menyadari bahwa tanggung jawab yang akan dipertanyakan kelak di hari akhirat adalah tanggung jawab personal. Artinya, Allah tidak membebankan tanggung jawab pihak lain kepada kita, kecuali kalau kita punya andil dalam persoalan tersebut. Karena itu, banyak ayat yang menekankan tanggung jawab ini. <br /><br />"Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya." (Al-Baqarah: 286). <br /><br />"Tidaklah kamu dibebani melainkan dengan kewajiban kamu sendiri." (An-Nisa: 84). <br /><br />"Hai orang-orang yang beriman, selamatkanlah diri kalian dan keluarga kalian dari api neraka." (At-Tahrim: 6). <br /><br />Rasulullah saw. bersabda, "Mulailah dengan diri kalian sendiri atau mulailah dengan keluargamu." <br /><br />Dengan demikian, prioritas kita adalah menyelamatkan diri sendiri dari segala kemungkinan penyimpangan terhadap misi utama kehidupan, yaitu "Dan tidaklah Aku ciptakan jin dan manusia kecuali untuk beribadah kepada-Ku." (Adz-Dzariyat: 56). <br /><br />Apabila kita sadari hal itu, kita akan memahami arti ibadah seluas-luasnya. Yaitu "segala sesuatu yang kita lakukan dalam kehidupan kita sesuai dengan apa yang dicintai dan diridai Allah SWT". <br /><br />"Segala apa yang dicintai dan diridai oleh Allah, baik berupa perkataan, perbuatan yang nampak maupun yang tersembunyi." (Ibnu Taimiyah, Al-'Ubudiyah, hlm. 1). <br /><br />Ini mengandung pengertian bahwa seluruh aktivitas kita harus sesuai dengan syariat Islam. Jadi, fokusnya adalah kita sementara acuannya adalah syariat Islam. <br /><br />Karena itu, tidak benar seseorang yang belum mengerti ajaran Islam dalam membangun kepribadiannya, tetapi sudah sibuk bagaimana menegakkan Islam. Tidak berarti menegakkan Islam tidak penting, tetapi prosesnya salah. Sesudah seseorang dalam sekup individu melaksanakan tanggung jawab dirinya sebagai hamba Allah, dia akan melangkah menempati posisi di masyarakatnya sesuai dengan kapasitas masing-masing. Di sinilah terjadi interaksi dan kooperasi antara anggota masyarakat muslim sesuai dengan firman Allah SWT, "Dan tolong-menolonglah kamu dalam (mengerjakan) kebajikan dan takwa dan jangan tolong-menolong dalam berbuat dosa dan pelanggaran." (Al-Maidah: 2). <br /><br />Dan, tanggung jawabnya semakin luas sesuai dengan kapasitas kemampuannya, sehingga dengan posisi masing-masing itu akan dimintai pertanggungjawabannya seperti sabda Nabi saw., "Ketahuilah bahwa setiap kalian adalah penanggung jawab dan setiap kalian akan ditanyai terhadap apa yang menjadi tanggung jawabnya. Imam yang ada di tengah manusia adalah penanggung jawab, dan dia akan ditanyai terhadap apa yang menjadi tanggung jawabnya. Seorang suami bertanggung jawab terhadap keluarganya, dan dia akan ditanyai tentang apa yang menjadi tanggung jawabnya. Dan seorang isteri bertanggung jawab terhadap rumah suaminya, dan anaknya dan dia akan ditanya tentang mereka." (HR Bukhari, Muslim, dan selain keduanya). <br /><br />Dan apabila setiap individu tidak melaksanakan tanggung jawabnya sebagai hamba Allah yang berkewajiban melaksanakan syariat Islam sesuai dengan kemampuannya, berarti dia telah berkhianat. "Hai orang-orang yang beriman, janganlah kamu mengkhianati Allah dan Rasul (Muhammad), dan (juga) janganlah kamu mengkhianati amanat-amanat yang dipercayakan kepadamu, sedang kamu mengetahui." (Al-Anfal: 27). <br /><br />Dalam istilah fikih, bahwa tanggung jawab personal itu fardu ain, sedangkan tanggung jawab kolektif adalah fardu kifayah. Adalah salah besar kalau ada orang yang mengutamakan fardu kifayah (tanggung jawab kolektif) daripada tanggung jawab fardu ain (individu). Tetapi, menjadi sangat baik kalau dia mengerjakan fardu ain, juga melaksanakan fardu kifayah. Kalau tidak, maka seluruh umat berdosa. <br /><br />Teladan Rasulullah <br /><br />Gambaran di atas akan lebih jelas pada personifikasi Rasulullah saw. sebagai teladalan bagi perjuangan umat Islam. Dan, mempelajari perjalanan perjuangan Nabi saw. tidak boleh sepotong-sepotong, seperti mereka yang terperangkap dengan mengotak-kotakan masa Mekah dan masa Madinah. Karena, Islam sudah lengkap dan Nabi saw. telah mempraktikkannya secara sempurna. Maka, kewajiban kita adalah memahami sirah Nabi saw. itu secara komperehensif dan mempaktikkannya sesuai dengan kapasitas dan kondisi kita seperti firman Allah SWT. "Maka bertakwalah kalian kepada Allah semampu kalian ...." (Ath-Thaghabun: 16). <br /><br />Dan, Rasulullah saw. memberikan arahan atas kelengkapan syariat Islam yang harus kita pedomani. "Sesungguhnya Allah SWT telah menetapkan hal-hal yang wajib, maka janganlah kalian meninggalkannya dan telah memberikan batasan-batasan, maka janganlah kalian melanggarnya. Dia mengharamkan sesuatu, maka janganlah kalian melanggarnya dan mendiamkan banyak hal sebagai rahmat bagi kalian, maka janganlah kalian mencari-cari hukumnya." (HR Daruqutni, hadis hasan). <br /><br />Dan, beliau menekankan pegangan yang harus dipedomani pada saat terjadi perbedaan atau perselisihan. "Maka barang siapa yang hidup di antara kalian, niscaya akan melihat perbedaan yang banyak. Maka hendaklah kalian (mengikuti) sunahku dan juga sunah khulafa ar-rasyidin yang mendapatkan petunjuk dan gigitlah dengan gigi geraham dan hendaklah kalian menjauhui perkara-perkara yang diciptakan, karena sesungguhnya setiap bidah adalah sesat." (HR Abu daud dan Tirmizi, hadis hasan). <br /><br />Secara ringkas, kita melihat praktik Nabi saw. dalam membangun kekuatan Islam, yaitu sebagai berikut. <br /><br />Nabi saw. ketika berada di Mekah membuat kader yang difokuskan di rumah-rumah dan terutama di rumah Arqam bin Abi Arqam. Di antara kader yang matang ditugasi menyampaikan dakwah seperti Mushab bin 'Umair yang dikirim ke madinah. <br /><br />Nabi saw. mencari tempat yang kondusif untuk mengembangkan dakwah dan kekuatan Islam. Beliau pergi ke Thaif tetapi tidak cocok. Kemudian, beliau lebih memilih ke Madinah karena mendapat sambutan di sana. Kemudian, beliau membangunn masjid sebagai pusat kegiatan umat Islam dan penempaan para kader. <br />Langkah berikutnya beliau mempererat hubungan sesama muslim dengan mempersaudarakan antara Muhajirin (dari Mekah) dan Anshar (dari Madinah). Beliau membuat Piagam Madinah untuk membentengi umat Islam dan memberikan hak-hak non-muslim. <br /><br />Nabi saw. mempersiapkan kekuatan untuk menghadang segala upaya ofensif kaum kuffar sampai 27 kali belaiu berperang antara perang defensif dan ofensif (seperti Perang Tabuk). <br /><br />Di sini menjadi jelas bahwa kesatuan visi yaitu membangun akidah yang benar sampai kesatuan langkah. Yaitu, menuju tegaknya kekuatan jihad merupakan suatu kesatuan yang menyeluruh. (Lihat DR. Robi' bin Hadi al-Madkhal, Minhajul Anbiya, hlm. 87). <br /><br />Karena itu, Ibnu Qayyim al-Jauziyah menggunakan istilah perjuangan menegakkan Islam dengan cara Islam, yaitu dengan ungkapan Jihad. Beliau membagi jihad ini menjadi 4 bagian. <br /><br /><br />1. Jihad menundukkan hawa nafsu (meliputi 4 tahap). <br /><br />Berjihad dengan mempelajari ajaran agama Islam demi kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat. <br /><br />Berjihad dengan melaksanakan ilmu yang telah diperolehnya, karena ilmu tanpa amal adalah tidak berarti, dan bahkan membahayakan. <br /><br />Berjihad dengan menjalankan dakwah berdasarkan ilmu yang benar dan praktik nyata. <br /><br />Berjihad dengan menekan diri agar sabar terhdap cobaan dakwah berupa gangguan manusia.<br /><br />Empat hal inilah makna yang terkandung dalam surah Al-Ashr, yang kata Imam Syafii, seandainya Allah tidak menurunkan ayat kecuali Al-'Ashr, niscaya cukup bagi manusia. <br /><br />2. Jihad melawan setan (meliputi 2 hal). <br /><br />Berjihad melawan pemikiran setan berupa syubhat dan keragu-raguan yang dapat merusak keimanan. Perlawanannya adalah dengan keyakinan. <br /><br />Berjihad melawan setan yang membisikan agar terjerumus kepada syahwat hawa nafsu. Caranya dengan sabar dan menahan diri dengan berpuasa. (Lihat As-Sajdah: 2). <br /><br />3. Jihad melawan kaum kufar dan munafikin (melalui 4 tahap). <br /><br />Berjihad dengan qalbu. <br /><br />Berjihad dengan lisan. <br /><br />Berjihad dengan harta. <br /><br />Berjihad dengan tangan. <br /><br />4. Jihad melawan kaum kuffar lebih utama dengan tangan, sementara terhadap kaum munafikin dengan lisan. <br /><br />Jihad melawan kezaliman, kemungkaran, dan bidah (ditempuh melalui 3 tahap). <br /><br />Berjihad dengan tangan kalau mampu. <br /><br />Kalau tidak, dengan lisan. <br /><br />Kalau masih tidak mampu, maka terakhir dengan hati. (HR Muslim). <br /><br />Demikian 13 tingkatan jihad yang telah dilaksanakan secara sempurna oleh Rasulullah saw. (Ibnul Qayyim al-Jauziyah, Zaadul Ma'ad, Juz 3, hlm. 6--12). <br /><br />Sebagai penutup, kami kutipkan ucapan Umar bin Khattab r.a. yang artinya, "Kami adalah kaum yang dimuliakan Allah dengan Islam, seandainya kami mencari selainnya, niscaya kami akan dihinakan oleh Allah." Juga, ucapan Imam Malik rhm. yang artinya, "Tidaklah urusan umat ini akan menjadi baik, kecuali dengan mengikuti hal-hal yang telah menjadikan umat terdahulu menjadi baik." Wallahu a'lam. (Ust. Farid Achmad Okbah, M.A.). <br /><br /><br />Persekongkolan Blok Kafir terhadap Umat Islam<br />Pergolakan antara kebenaran dan kebatilan bermula sejak Iblis menolak perintah Allah SWT bersujud kepada Adam. Dia bersumpah untuk menyesatkan umat manusia, kecuali hamba-hamba Allah yang ikhlas, karena mereka mendapatkan perlindungan dari Allah SWT. Karena, itulah perlawanan paling berat yang dialami oleh para nabi. Allah SWT menjelaskan (yang artinya), "Dan demikianlah Kami jadikan bagi tiap-tiap nabi itu musuh, yaitu setan-setan (dari jenis) manusia dan (dari jenis) jin, sebahagian mereka membisikkan kepada sebahagian yang lain perkataan-perkataan yang indah-indah untuk menipu (manusia) ...." ( Al-An'aam: 112). <br /><br />Kebatilan akan terus melahirkan kezaliman-kezaliman dan ujungnya adalah kehancurannya, sedangkan kemenangan akan berada di pihak kebenaran, cepat atau lambat. Allah SWT berfirman, "Dan katakanlah, 'Yang benar telah datang dan yang batil telah lenyap.' Sesungguhnya yang batil itu adalah sesuatu yang pasti lenyap." ( Al-Israa': 81). <br /><br />Kemenangan bagi umat Islam adalah sunah yang bersifat aksiomatik apabila dipenuhi syarat-syaratnya. Amerika sedang memimpin kebatilan dunia untuk menghancurkan Islam dan umatnya. Tetapi, "Dan mereka pun merencanakan makar dengan sungguh-sungguh dan Kami merencanakan makar (pula), sedang mereka tidak menyadari." (An-Naml: 50). <br /><br />Mari kita lihat sejauh mana kekuatan musuh kita dan apa bekal kita untuk menghadapi Amerika dan sekutu-sekutunya. <br /><br />Kekafiran adalah agama yang satu, kerja sama di antara mereka suatu keniscayaan. Allah SWT berfirman, "Dan sesungguhnya orang-orang yang zalim itu sebagian mereka menjadi penolong bagi sebagian yang lain, dan Allah adalah pelindung orang-orang yang bertakwa." (Al-Jaatsiyah: 19). <br /><br />Segala upaya mereka satu padukan untuk menghancurkan Islam dan umatnya. Apalagi, setelah mereka merasa menang dalam perang dingin dengan Rusia yang gulung tikar setelah kekalahan telak yang dialaminya di Afghanistan, yang oleh Gorbachev dikatakan sebagai salah perhitungan. Satu per satu wilayah yang dicengkeram Rusia berguguran dan komunisme pun bubar. <br /><br />Melalui penasihatnya, Sammuel Hungtington mengatakan, musuh yang harus dihancurkan selanjutnya adalah Islam dengan segala kekuatannya. Berdasar inilah segala langkah disusun. Melihat gulung tikarnya Rusia karena perjuangan mujahidin, maka Amerika berusaha menghancurkan para mujahidin dengan mempersempit semua langkah gerak mereka. Terutama, setelah peranan mujahidin terlihat jelas dalam perjuangan mereka membantu saudara-saudara sesama muslim yang mengalami etnic cleansing di Bosnia, perjuangan Kashmir, perjuangan di Filipina Selatan, dan sebagainya. Maka, dicarilah jalan untuk menghancurkan mereka. Rupanya analisis buku ini, Bukan tetapi Perang Terhadap Islam, menguatkan rekayasa 11 September sebagai entri point untuk menyatakan perang total terhadap terorisme internasional, yaitu Islam. <br /><br />Sasaran yang dituju adalah WTC sebagai pusat bisnis internasional dan counternya adalah membasmi perdagangan Islam, yaitu jihad dan mujahidin. Firman Allah SWT, "Hai orang-orang yang beriman, sukakah kamu Aku tunjukkan suatu perniagaan yang dapat menyelamatkan kamu dari azab yang pedih? (yaitu) kamu beriman kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya dan berjihad di jalan Allah dengan harta dan jiwamu, itulah yang lebih baik bagimu jika kamu mengetahuinya." (Ash-Shaf: 10--11). <br /><br />Mereka telah berhasil sedemikian rupa untuk mempengaruhi opini dunia bahwa yang diperjuangkan betul-betul adalah membasmi terorisme. Padahal, kenyataan membuktikan bahwa Amerika adalah sumber terorisme dalam infasinya ke negara-negara berdaulat, seperti Afghanistan, Irak, Somalia, dan sebagainya. Begitu pula dengan Israel yang selalu mendapat dukungan dari hak veto PBB. Teroris Israel malah mendapat dukungan luar biasa dari PBB, bahkan vetonya selalu membelanya. Begitulah keadaan yang berlangsung di mata dunia, tanpa ada yang bisa menghentikan langkah-langkahnya, termasuk PBB yang bermarkas dan biayai oleh Amerika itu. Tetapi, justru dalam kazaliman dan arogansi Amerika itu, kita akan melihat masa kehancurannya. Allah SWT berfirman, "Dan orang-orang yang zalim itu kelak akan mengetahui ke tempat mana mereka akan kembali." (Asy-Su'araa: 227). <br /><br />"Maka, orang-orang yang zalim itu dimusnahkan sampai ke akar-akarnya. Segala puji bagi Allah, Rab semesta alam." (Al-An'am: 45). <br /><br />Rasulullah saw. bersabda, "Perbuatan zalim adalah kegelapan-kegelapan di hari kiamat." (HR Bukhari dan Muslim). <br /><br />Ya, Amerika yang dikuasai oleh lobi Yahudi Internasional telah bekerja sama dengan salibisme internasional dan pemerintah-pemerintah sekuler yang didukung oleh ulama ulama suu' (ulama yang jelek) berikut jajaran intelejen yang canggih. Mereka berusaha keras melumatkan kekuatan umat Islam. Tidak jarang sebagian tokoh Islam ikut-ikutan menyudutkan umat Islam, padahal mereka mengaku sebagai seorang muslim. <br /><br />Kekuatan memang tidak seimbang, tetapi Allah SWT selalu membela hamba-hamba-Nya yang ikhlas berjuang karena-Nya, sehingga tidak ada istilah menyerah, apalagi pensiun berjuang. Allah SWT berfirman, "Hai orang-orang yang beriman, jika kamu menolong (agama) Allah, niscaya Dia akan menolongmu dan meneguhkan kedudukanmu." (Muhammad: 7). <br /><br />Sejak melemahnya umat Islam pada abad ke-16 M di bawah dinasti Utsmaniyah di Turki, Shafawiyah di Iran dan Moghol di India dimanfaatkan oleh blok-blok kafir untuk menjajah wilayah-wilayah Islam, termasuk Indonesia oleh Portugis dan Belanda. Mereka merusak umat Islam dengan tiga senjata: (1) menjajah fisik dengan senjata, (2) menjajah agama dengan kristenisasi, dan (3) Menjajah otak dengan oreintalisme. Penjajahan fisik berakhir dengan merdekanya wilayah-wilayah jajahan, tetapi kristenisasi dan orientalisasi tetap berjalan. Meskipun demikian, rupanya perkembangan Islam semakin pesat dan kekuatannya semakin mantap, baik dari segi sumber daya alam maupun manusianya yang menunjukkan kebangkitan umat Islam di segala bidang. Hal itu menjadikan blok kafir bersatu untuk menghadang kekuatan Islam yang oleh mereka dianggap sebagai ancaman serius, terutama karena faktor agama. Makanya, keluarlah dari mulut George Bush sebuah pernyataan bahwa ini adalah perang salib (crusade), walaupun kemudian menarik lagi karena takut umat Islam besatu. <br /><br />Amerika Akan Hancur dari Dalam <br /><br />Sebenarnya binatang besar, gajah, yang bernama Amerika mengandung banyak kelemahan. Al-Maududi berkata, andaikan umat Islam bagaikan lalat-lalat yang mengiang di telinga sang gajah, gendang telinganya akan pecah. Tetapi, sayangnya suara umat Islam tidak bulat. Mereka dipecah-pecah menjadi tiga kelompok. Kelompok pertama adalah kelompok formalistik, yaitu mayoritas umat Islam yang mempraktikkan Islam sebatas ritual. Kedua, kelompok umat Islam yang substansialistis atau modernis, atau inklusif, atau liberalis, atau nasionalis, atau sekularis, yang hanya mau roh Islam tetapi jasadnya setan. Mereka adalah anak-anak emas Barat. Adapun yang menjadi target mereka dan harus dihancurkan adalah kelompok fundamentalis (istilah mereka), yaitu umat Islam yang ingin kembali menerapkan Islam secara kaffah (menyeluruh), di bidang ekonomi, sosial, politik, dll. Apa pun kerja mereka, semuanya bertujuan untuk menzhalimi umat Islam. <br /><br />Sesungguhnya indikasi-indikasi kehancuran Amerika sudah mulai kelihatan, hal itu seperti diungkap seorang penyair Mesir, Syauqi: <br /><br />Bangsa- bangsa itu tergantung akhlaknya <br />Apabila akhlak mereka bejat, hancurlah bangsa itu. <br /><br />Melihat hasil penelitian oleh dua orang Amerika bernama James Pattersoon dan Pater Kirm dalam bukunya yang berjudul The Day Amerika Told the Truth, dari hasil polling yang dilakukan kepada 2000 orang Amerika dari berbagai strata sosial, terungkap 54 hakikat kehancuran Amerika dari dalam, di antaranya sebagai berikut. <br /><br />Amerika tidak memiliki keteladanan moral, baik politikus, ekonom, agamawan, dan yang paling buruk adalah wartawan. <br /><br />Kejahatan terus meningkat sampat 600 %, dan 60 % pernah menjadi korban. <br /><br />Kebohongan sudah melanda luas masyarakat Amerika. <br /><br />1 dari 7 orang pernah mengalami kekerasan seksual, dan gadis-gadis kehilangan keperawanan sebelum usia 13 tahun. <br /><br />Penodongan, penjambretan, dan perampokan merajalela, 20 % dari mereka pernah mengalami hal itu. <br /><br />Broken home menjadi umum, karena anak-anak tidak mendapat kasih sayang. <br /><br />Minuman keras dan narkoba melanda kawasan umum rakyat Amerika, termasuk free sex. <br /><br />Satu dari tiga orang yang terkena aids tidak memberitahukan pasangannya bahwa ia terinfeksi. <br /><br />Satu dari tujuh orang membawa senjata tajam atau senjata api (pistol). <br /><br />Rasisme dan egoisme menimpa masyarakat umum, dll. <br /><br />Ini adalah indikasi pertama. Adapun indikasi kedua adalah bahwa perkembangan Islam di Amerika termasuk yang terpesat, sehingga semakin banyak orang Amerika yang memeluk agama Islam. Majalah Mujtama' pernah memuat berita bahwa 10.000 tentara Amerika di Pentagon adalah Muslim. Jadi, Amerika, insya Allah, akan jatuh dari dalam. Semoga kita bisa menyaksikan kehancuran Amerika, seperti kita menyaksikan keruntuhan salah satu negara adi daya: Uni Sovyet, yaitu setelah gagal memenangkan perang dengan Afghanistan. Dan semoga Amerika juga gagal memerangi kaum muslimin di seluruh dunia, yang dilanjutkan dengan kejatuhannya. <br /><br />Oleh: Farid Ahmad Okbah, M.A., Ketua Majelis Dakwah Al-Irsyad Al-Islamiyyahanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-74931874815122224122010-08-30T20:29:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:32:05.749-07:00artikel islamiApakah Anak yang Terlahir dalam Keluarga Islam Otomatis Jadi Muslim?<br />Assalaamu'alaikum wr. wb.<br />Pengasuh Rubrik Konsultasi yang dimulaikan Allah, saya adalah seorang yang memeluk agama Islam sejak 1992 yang lalu, yang sebelumnya adalah pemeluk Kristen Katholik. Alhamdulillah, Allah telah memberi saya hidayah-Nya yang teramat besar sehingga saya dapat mengikuti agama yang HAQ, yaitu Islam. Berkenaan dengan hal tersebut diatas, saya ada pertanyaan yang sangat sulit saya carikan jawabannya, yaitu: Melihat rukun Islam yang lima itu, dimana Ikrar dengan mengucapkan dua kalimat syahadat adalah merupakan gerbang pertama yang harus dilalui seseorang yang akan memeluk agama Islam. Dan itu telah saya lalui dengan selamat, Alhamdulillah. Pertanyaanya adalah: Apakah seseorang anak yang dilahirkan dalam keluarga Islam, maka secara otomatis dia juga beragama Islam? Walau sampai dewasa (atau bahkan sampai dia meninggal) tidak pernah dia berikrar dengan mengucapkan dua kalimat syahadat, sebagaimana yang telah saya lakukan? Demikian pertanyaan ini saya sampaikan, mohon jawaban yang lengkap termasuk dalil - dalil yang ada, agar saya tidak salah dalam bersikap dalam membesarkan anak. Semoga pengasuh rubrik Konsultasi ini selalu dalam lindungan dan ridha Allah. Amin. Wassalaamualaikum wr. wb. (Muhammad Yusuf Satria) <br /><br />Jawaban:<br /><br />Saudara Muhammad Yusuf yang disayang Allah, <br />Alhamdulillah, Allah telah menyelamatkan Anda dari kegelapan menuju sinar cahaya petunjuk yang terang. Sungguh nikmat yang sangat agung yang tak bisa ditukar walau dengan dunia seisinya. <br /><br />Mengenai pertanyaan Anda, Rasulullah saw. bersabda dalam sebuah hadis sahih, "Sesungguhnya, setiap yang terlahir pasti dilahirkan dalam keadaan fitrah (suci, memeluk Islam). Kedua orang tuanyalah yang kemudian menjadikan anak itu Yahudi, Nashrani, ataupun Majusi (penyembah api). " Lihat juga surah Al-A'raf 112 yang menerangkan bahwa Allah sudah meminta persaksian dan ikrar seorang bayi di kandungan bahwa Allah adalah yang harus ia sembah.<br /><br />Berdasarkan hadis di atas dipahami bahwa bayi yang lahir di dunia, apapun latar belakang orang tuanya, ia adalah bayi yang lahir dalam keadaan Islam. Jika kemudian dia tumbuh dalam keluarga Islam, maka ia memang menjadi muslim dan akan tetap menjadi muslim apabila dia tidak melakukan hal-hal yang dapat membatalkan dan menggugurkan keislamannya. Namun Apabila dia kemudian melakukan hal yang membatalkan keislaman, secara substansial dia bukan lagi seorang muslim, meskipun ia menyandang gelar atau dikenal sebagai muslim. <br /><br />Sebenarnya untuk dianggap menjadi muslim, seseorang tidak cukup hanya mengucapkan syahadat saja. Tetapi ia harus melaksanakan segala konsekwensinya sebagai muslim. Sebab Islam ataupun Iman adalah mencakup keyakinan dan pembenaran dalam hati, ikrar dengan lesan, dan diaplikasikan dalam perbuatan nyata. Seperti harus menunaikan kewajiban salat, puasa, harus berakhlak baik, dan lain-lainnya.<br /><br />Semoga Allah selalu melimpahkan kedamaian, kasih sayang dan berkahnya kepada Anda sekeluarga, dan semoga Allah senantiasa membimbing kita ke jalan yang diridhai-Nya. Amin. <br />Wallahu a'lam. (Zen). <br />< BACK<br /> <br /><br /><br />Hari-Hari Puasa Sunah<br />Assalamualaikum wr. wb.<br />saya minta tolong dikirim data tentang hari-hari yang disunahkan berpuasa beserta tanggal dan keutamaannya. Demikian, terima kasih.<br /><br /><br />Jawaban:<br /><br />Puasa-puasa yang disunahkan adalah:<br />1. Puasa arafah bagi yang tidak sedang melaksanakan ibadah haji. Yaitu pada tanggal 9 Dzulhijjah. "Puasa di hari arafah, menghapus dosa dua tahun, setahun yang silam dan setahun yang akan datang." (HR Muslim).<br />2. Puasa asyura dan tasu'a. Yaitu dihari ke sembilan dan sepuluh bulan Muharam (asyura). "Dan puasa Asyura itu menghapus dosa setahun yang telah lalu." (HR Muslim). Tentang puasa tasu'a, pada setahun sebelum beliau meninggal beliau bersabda, "Pada tahun depan insya Allah kita berpuasa pada hari ke sembilan." <br />3. Puasa enam hari di bulan Syawal "Barangsiapa berpuasa di bulan Ramadhan dan meneruskannya di bulan enam hari di bulan Syawal, maka seperti berpuasa sepanjang tahun." (HR Muslim).<br />4. Puasa di bulan Sya'ban. "Aisyah berkata, 'Aku tidak pernah melihat beliau (Rasulullah saw.) lebih banyak berpuasa kecuali di bulan Sya'ban." (HR Muslim)<br />5.sepuluh pertama bulan Dzulhijjah, berdasarkan hadis Bukhari dan Muslim yang menerangkan bahwa tidak ada hari-hari yang amal shaleh lebih dicintai di dalamnya dari pada hari-hari sepuluh Dzul hijjah.<br />6. Puasa hari-hari putih, yaitu pada tanggal 13.14. 15 pada setiap bulan hijriah. Puasa hari tersebut seperti puasa sepanjang tahun (sesuai dengan HR Nasa'i).<br />7. Puasa hari Senin dan Kamis "Sesungguhnya amal perbuatan diperlihatkan setiap hari Senin dan Kamis, kemudian Allah mengampuni setiap orang muslim atau orang mukmin kecuali dua orang yang saling mendiamkan. Allah berfirman, ' Tundalah pengampunan mereka berdua'." (HR. Ahmad).<br />8. Puasa Dawud, sehari puasa sehari tidak. Puasa sunah yang paling baik dan paling dicintai Allah.<br />9. Puasa bujangan yang belum mampu nikah. "Wahai para pemuda, Barang siapa mampu untuk menikah, maka hendaklah segera menikah. Karena hal itu lebih menjaga pandangan dan lebih menjaga kemaluan. Dan barangsiapa belum mampu, hendaklah ia berpuasa. Karena puasa adalah wija' (mengendurkan gejolak syahwat baginya." (HR Bukhari). <br /><br /><br /><br />Suami Istri bersentuhan, Batalkah Wudunya?<br />Assalamualaikum wr. wb. <br /><br />Batalkah Wudlu seorang suami atau istri yang bersenggolan dan mengenai kulit dengan istri atau suami mereka , apakah ada dalilnya dalam hal ini? <br /><br />Jawaban:<br /><br />Dalam menafsirkan ayat 6 surat Al-Maidah "Au laamastumun nisaa'", para ulama memberikan makna hanya bersentuhan saja, dan sebagian yang lain memberikan makna untuk "Au laamastumun nisaa' disini adalah berjima' (berhubungan seksual). Tetapi kebanyakan mufassirin memberatkan makna yang kedua yaitu yang dimaksud adalah Berhubungan badan (seksual). Jadi bersentuhan saja tidak membatalkan wudlu'. Bahkan dalam sebuah riwayat disebutkan bahwa Rasulullah saw. pernah mencium istrinya padahal beliau hendak mendirikan salat. Kecuali jika bersentuhan tersebut sampai ketingkat tertentu sehingga sampai mengakibatkan keluarnya mani. Dalam hal ini jelas bahwa keluarnya mani tersebut membatalkan wudlu, bahkan mewajibkan mandi. Wallahu a'lam. (zn) <br /><br /><br /><br />Membayangkan Wujud Allah<br />Assalamu'alaikum wr. wb.<br />Perkenalkan nama saya Acram, syukur alhamdulillah akhirnya saya menemukan juga situs yang selama ini saya butuhkan untuk lebih mendalami lagi ajaran agama Islam. Selama ini saya mempunyai masalah dalam jiwa saya mengenai Tauhid ke islaman saya. Untuk itu pada kesempatan ini saya ingin mencoba menanyakan beberapa hal mengenai tauhid dalam agama Islam antara lain: 1. Apa yang ada dalam pikiran Anda ya akhi jika Anda mengucapkan Lapadz ALLAH? 2. Saya mempunyai masalah dengan jiwa saya yaitu ketika saya mengucapkan lapadz ALLAH secara otomatis dalam pikiran dan benak saya itu ada yang membisikan dan menggambarkan mengenai wujud ALLAH itu. Demi ALLAH ya akhi saya tidak tahu semua itu berasal dari mana??? Tapi saya yakin semua itu berasal dari setan laknatullah. Saya sungguh tidak mengerti...akhir--akhir ini saya sering bermimipi mengenai...alam akhiratnya ALLAH misalnya saya bertemu dengan Nabi, bercakap-cakap dengan malaikat, bahkan suatu malam saya pernah di ajak untuk bertemu dengan ALLAH...Subhanallah. Ya akhi saya bingung dengan semua masalah yang ada dalam diri saya ini dan semua itu sangat mengganggu jiwa saya ketika beribadah. karena bayangan mengenai wujud ALLAH itu selalu saja muncul ketika saya mengucapakan lapadz ALLAH. Mohon bimbingannya dan apa yang harus saya lakukan untuk menghilangkan bayangan mengenai wujud ALLAH itu karena saya takut termasuk orang orang yang MUSYRIK..Naudzubillah summa naudzubillah. Saya mohon bimbingannya...dan solusi dari masalah ini. Wassalam... (Acram). <br /><br />Jawaban:<br /><br />Saudara Acram yang semoga senantiasa dikasihi Allah, <br />Dalam segala keadaan, kita haruslah selalu memohon petunjuk kepada Allah dan perlindungan dari bahaya dan godaan setan. Sebab, makhluk jahat yang satu ini (setan) akan senantiasa berusaha menggoda dan menyesatkan manusia. Dia akan datang dari depan, belakang, samping kanan, samping kiri, dan dari segala arah yang mungkin dia tembus. Satu cara gagal, dia akan mengupayakan cara-cara yang lain yang lebih jitu. Maka, tak sedikit orang yang terjerumus ke dalam jebakan setan ini, kecuali orang-orang yang dilindungi dan dirahmati Allah.<br /><br />Kami ingin bertanya kepada Anda, tahukah Anda siapa sebenarnya Allah itu? Jika Anda berhasil menjawab pertanyaan ini dengan benar sesuai dengan petunjuk Islam, insya Allah akan mempermudah dalam menyelesaikan permasalahan yang Anda hadapi.<br /><br />Bisikan yang ada dalam jiwa Anda akan bayangan dan gambaran Allah itu adalah suatu godaan. Ketika itu hendaklah Anda langsung beristighfar dan meminta perlindungan kepada Allah dari godaan setan. Sebab, sebagai hamba-Nya kita dituntuk untuk mengabdi kepada Allah, meyakini akan kebesaran, keagungan, dan ketinggian serta kemulyaan sifat-sifat Allah dan tidak boleh membayangkan tentang bagaimana zat ataupun wujud Allah. Ini adalah diluar batas tanggung jawab kita sebagai hamba dan di luar jangkauan kemampuan kita. <br /><br />Yang diperintahkan bagi kita adalah menghayati dan merenungi tanda-tanda kebesaran-Nya berupa makhluk-makhluk dan semua penciptaannya juga ayat-ayat berupa firman Allah (Alquran). <br /><br />Begitu juga tentang mimpi-mimpi. Terkadang setan mendatangi manusia melalui mimpi-mimpi. Tak jarang kaum sufi yang tersesat hanya karena mengikuti mimpi-mimpi yang datangnya tak jelas dari mana yang kemungkinan datangnya dari setan. Mengenai mimpi Anda bertemu dengan Rasulullah saw. itu mungkin saja karena setan tak mungkin bisa menyerupai Rasulullah saw.. Namun, syaratnya Anda harus faham benar ciri-ciri Rasulullah sebagaimana yang diterangkan dalam hadis-hadis yang sahih. Jika Anda sudah mempunyai gambaran tentang ciri-ciri dan karakter Rasulullah saw. berdasarkan sumber yang jelas, kemudian Anda melihatnya dalam mimpi sesuai dengan ciri-ciri yang Anda ketahui tersebut, kemungkinan mimpi itu adalah benar. Jika tidak, bisa jadi setan telah berusaha mengelincirkan Anda –semoga Allah melindungi kita – sebagaimana yang terjadi di banyak kalangan ahli tasawuf yang hanya mengikuti wangsit dan mimpi-mimpi yang membisikkan hal-hal yang bertentangan dengan Islam. <br /><br />Dekatkan diri Anda kepada Allah, lakukanlah terapi penyucian hati seperti; baca Alquran dengan rutin, salat tahajjud, puasa sunnah, banyak berzikir, dan hanya berinteraksi dengan orang-orang saleh saja. <br /><br />Melihat Allah adalah suatu keniscayaan dan itu merupakan janji Allah untuk orang-orang beriman dan merupakan kenikmatan yang paling agung. Namun, hal itu pada hari kiamat.<br /><br />Jika godaan itu datang, seperti bayangan akan wujud Allah itu tiba-tiba datang, segeralah Anda berta'awudz (meminta perlindungan kepada Allah). Dan dianjurkan supaya Anda selalu dalam keadaan suci (berwudu). Karena jika Anda biarkan keadaan seperti ini berlarut-larut, dikhawatirkan Anda akan terkena jebakan setan berupa penyakit was-was. Kita mohon perlindungan Allah darinya. Wallahu a'lam. (zen). <br /><br /><br /><br />Cara Bertobat<br />Bagaimana cara untuk bertobat, supaya tidak melakukan perbuatan yang dilarang oleh ALLAH SWT? Sebab selama ini saya telah melakukan perbuatan yang sangat tidak disukai oleh ALLAH SWT. Seperti mencuri, berzina, berbohong dan masih banyak perbuatan yang dilarang oleh ALLAH SWT. Saya ingin sekali bertobat agar dapat menjauhi perbuatan buruk itu selamanya. Karena saya merasa berdosa kepada ALLAH SWT dan kepada kedua orang tua saya. Saya bingung karena saya selalu tidak dapat mengendalikan hawa nafsu saya. Saya selalu membuat masalah yang pada akhirnya berdampak kepada psikologis kedua orang tua saya. Saya seperti hanya sadar sebentar, kemudian kembali melakukan perbuatan yang semestinya tidak dilakukan oleh hamba2 ALLAH. Sekali lagi saya minta pertolongan, bagaimana caranya supaya saya dapat berjalan lurus dijalan ALLAH SWT, karena usia saya masih muda (23) tahun. <br /><br />Jawaban:<br /><br />Assalamualaikum wr. wb. <br />Saat ini Anda pasti merasa sangat berdosa sebab hal-hal yang Anda lakukan tadi. Namun, Anda harus ingat bahwa selain Allah siksa-Nya sangat pedih, Allah juga Mahapengampun. Yang harus Anda lakukan adalah segera kembali kejalan Allah dan bertaubat. <br /><br />Jika Anda ingin bertobat, maka Anda harus bersungguh-sungguh dalam hal ini. Ada beberapa pengorbanan yang harus Anda lakukan, yaitu;<br />1. meminta Ampun kepada Allah.<br />2. menyesali perbuatan yang telah Anda kerjakan<br />3. berjanji tidak akan mengulanginya lagi<br />4. jika dosa yang dilakukan menyangkut hak orang lain, hendaknya diselesaikan dengan orang yang bersangkutan, seperti jika pernah mengambil hak orang lain secara dzalim.<br /><br />Itu adalah syarat-syarat bagi siapapun yang hendak bertaubat. Namun, untuk merealisasikan hal tersebut Anda beberapa hal yang harus Anda tempuh, di antaranya Anda harus segera keluar dari lingkungan pergaulan Anda sekarang, kemudian beralih bergaul dengan orang-orang saleh, dan hanya membatasi pergaulan Anda dengan orang-orang yang baik saja. Hal ini adalah syarat mutlak bagi siapapun yang ingin baik. Anda tak mungkin bisa baik jika masih berada dalam pergaulan lingkungan yang tidak baik. <br /><br />Jika hal tersebut bisa Anda lakukan, perkuatlah iman Anda setelah itu dengan banyak membaca Alquran, melakukan amalan- amalan sunah (zikir, puasa, salat dan lain-lain), memperbanyak berbuat kebaikan, dan selalu berusaha lebih mendekatkan diri kepada Allah.<br /><br />Hal-hal tersebut mungkin pada awalnya akan terasa berat, namun Anda harus bersabar dan mencobanya. Dengan kesabaran dan kesungguhan ingin kembali kepada Allah, insya Allah, Dia pasti akan memudahkan jalan bagi Anda. Anda serta keluarga Anda pasti akan merasakan kedamaian yang hakiki dan keluarga tidak lagi merasa terbebani dengan keberadaan Anda.<br /><br />Ke depan, jika Anda ingin melakukan sesuatu, pikirkanlah dahulu tentang siapa diri Anda, mengapa Anda ingin melakukan hal itu, dan apa akibat dari perbuatan Anda itu. Insya Allah hal ini akan membantu. Wallahu a'lam. (zen). <br /><br /><br />Sumber: Asyabalunal 'Ulama (65 Kisah Teladan Pemuda Islam Brilian), Muhammad Sulthan.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-2267608176506096842010-08-30T20:21:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:27:33.676-07:00Syiaj menganl siyaihKemunculan Firqoh(kelompok) Rofidhoh dimulai ketika munculnya seorang Yahudi dari yaman bernama Abdullah bin Saba’yang berpura2 masuk islam dan berpura2 mencintai Ahlul bait Nabi Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam, bersikap berlebihan terhadap Ali bin Abi Tolib Rodhiallahu Anhu, mendakwakan bahwa Nabi telah mewasiatkan kepada Ali bin Abi Tolib untuk menjadi khalifah setelah wafatnya nabi lalu menganggapnya sebagai Tuhan, hal ini diakui oleh buku2 syiah.<br /><br />Dalam buku Al Maqolat wal Firoq hal 10-21 : Al Qummi mengakui keberadannya dan menganggap ibnu saba’ sebagai orang pertama yang mengatakan bahwa nabi telah mewasiatkan kepada Ali untuk menjadi imam , bahwa Ali akan kembali lagi ke dunia setelah wafat, dan orang pertama yang memulai mencela dan memaki Abu Bakar, Umar, Utsman dan seluruh sahabat nabi. Hal ini seperti dikemukakan Naubakhti dalam bukunya Firoqusyi’ah hal 19-20. Al Kisyi juga mengemukakan hal yang sama dalam bukunya Rijalul Kisyi hal 106-108. pengakuan adalah bukti yang terkuat dan mereka adalah pemuka ulama rofidhoh.<br /><br /><br />Di bawah ini adalah ringkasan sejarah kelompok rofidhoh, kanker yang menggerogoti umat islam, akan kita bahas peristiwa penting dalam sejarah mereka dengan menyebutkan peristiwa yang secara langsung berkaitan dengan mereka.<br /><br />14 H. peristiwa yang terjadi pada tahun 14 H inilah pokok dan asas dari kebencian kaum rofidhoh terhadap Islam dan kaum muslimin, karena pada tahun ini meletus perang Qodisiyyah yang berakibat takluknya kerajaan persia majusi,nenek moyang kaum rofidhoH. Pada saat itu kaum muslimin dibawah kepemimpinan Umar bin Khottob Radhiyallahu Anhu.<br /><br />16 H. Kaum muslimin berhasil menaklukkan ibukota kekaisaran persia, Mada’in. dengan ini hancurlah kerajaan persia. Kejadiaan ini masih disesali oleh kamum rafidhoh hingga saat ini.<br /><br />23 H. Abu Lu’lu’ah Al Majusi yang dijuluki Baba Alauddin oleh kaum rofidhoh membunuh Umar bin Khottob Radhiyalahu Anhu.<br /><br />34 H. Munculnya Abdullah bin saba’, si yahudi dari yaman yang dijuluki Ibnu sauda’ berpura2 masuk Islam, tapi menyembunyikan kekafiran dalam hatinya. Dia menggalang kekuatan dan melancarkan provokasi melawan khalifah ketiga Utsman bin Affan Radhiyalahu Anhu hingga dibunuh oleh para pemberontak karena fitnah yang dilancarkan oleh ibnu sauda’(abdullah bin saba’) pada tahun 35 H. Keyakinan yang diserukan oleh abdullah bin saba’ berasal dari akar yahudi nasrani dan majusi yaitu menuhankan Ali bin Abi Tolib Radhiyalahu Anhu, wasiat, roj’ah,wilayah, keimamahan , bada’ dan lain-lain.<br /><br />36 H. Malam sebelum terjadinya perang jamal kedua belah pihak telah bersepakat untuk berdamai. Mereka bermalam dengan sebaik2 malam sementara Abdullah bin saba’ dengan konco-konconya bermalam dengan penuh kedongkolan. Lalu dia membuat provokasi kepada kedua belah pihak hingga terjadilah fitnah seperti yang diinginkan oleh ibnu saba’. Pada masa kelhilafahan Ali bin Abi Tolib kelompok abdullah bin saba’ datang kepada Ali bin Abi Tolib Radhiyalahu Anhu seraya berkata “kamulah, kamulah !!” Ali bin Abi Tolib menjawab :”siapakah saya?” kata mereka “kamulah sang pencipta !!” lalu Ali bin Abi Tolib menyuruh mereka untuk bertobat tapi mereka menolak. Kemudian Ali bin Abi Tolib menyalakan api dan membakar mereka.<br /><br />41 H. tahun ini adalah tahun yang dibenci oleh kaum rofidhoh karena tahun ini dinamakan tahun jama’ah atau tahun persatuan karena kaum muslimin bersatu dibawah pimpinan kholifah Mu’awiyah bin Abi Sufyan Radhiyalahu Anhu sang penulis wahyu karena Hasan bin Ali bin Abi Tolib menyerahkan kekhilafahan kepada mu’awiyah, dengan ini maka surutlah tipu daya kaum rofidhoH.<br /><br />61 H. Pada tahun ini Husein bin Ali terbunuh di karbala setelah ditinggal oleh penolongnya dan diserahkan kepada pebunuhnya.<br /><br />260 H. Hasan Al Askari meninggal dan kaum rofidhoh menyangka bahwa imam ke 12 yang ditunggu-tunggu telah bersembunyi di sebuah lobang di samurra’ dan akan kembali lagi ke dunia.<br /><br />277 H. Munculnya gerakan rofidhoh qoromitoh yang didirikan oleh Hamdan bin Asy’ats yand dikenal dengan julukan qirmit di kufaH.<br /><br />278 H. Munculnya gerakan qoromitoh di bahrain dan ahsa’ yang dipelopori oleh Abu Saad Al Janabi<br /><br />280 H. Munculnya kerajaan rofidhoh zaidiyah di So’dah dan San’a di negeri Yaman yang didirikan oleh Husein bin Qosim Arrossi.<br /><br />297 H. Munculnya kerajaan ubaidiyin di mesir dan maghrib(maroko) yang didirikan oleh Ubaidillah bin Muhammad Al Mahdi.<br /><br />317 H. Abu Tohir Arrofidhi Al Qurmuti masuk ke kota mekah pada hari tarwiya (8 Dzulhijjah)dan membunuh jamaah haji di masjidil Haram serta mencongkel hajar aswad dan membawanya ke ahsa’ hingga kembali lagi pada tahun 355 H. Kerajaan mereka tetap eksis di ahsa’ hingga tahun 466 H. Pada tahun ini berdirilah kerajaan Hamdaniyah di mousul dan halab dan tumbang pada tahun 394 H.<br /><br />329 H. Pada tahun ini Allah telah menghiakan kaum rofidhoh karena pada tahun ini dimulailah ghoibah al kubro atau menghilang selamanya. Karena menurut mereka imam rofidhoh ke 12 telah menulis surat dan sampai kepada mereka yang bunyinya : telah dimulailah masa menghilangku dan aku tidak akan kembali sampai masa diijinkan oleh Allah, barangsiapa yang berkata dia telah berjumpa denganku maka dia adalah pembohong. Semua ini supaya menghindar dari paertanyaan orang awam kepada ulama mereka tentang terlambatnya imam mahdi keluar dari persembunyiannya.<br /><br />320-334 H. Munculnya kerajaan rofidhoh buwaihi di dailam yang didirikan oleh buwaih bin syuja’. Mereka membuat kerusakan di baghdad. Pada masa mereka orang2 bodoh mulai berani memaki2 sahabt Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.<br /><br />339 H. Hajar aswad dikembalikan ke mekkah atas rekomendasi dari pemerintahan ubaidiyah di mesir.<br /><br />352 H. Pemerintahan buwaihi menutup pasar2 tanggal 10 muharrom serta meliburkan semua kegiatan jual beli, maka keluarlah wanita2 tanpa mengenakan jilbab dengan memukul diri mereka di pasar. Pada saat itu pertama kali dalam sejarah diadakan perayaan kesedihan atas meninggalnya husein bin Ali bin Abi Tolib.<br /><br />358 H. Kaum rofidhoh Ubaydiy menguasai mesir. Salah satu pemimpinya yang terkenal adalah Al Hakim biamrillah yang mengatakan bahwa dirinya adalah tuhan dan menyeru kepada pendapat reinkarnasi. Dengan ambruknya kerajaan ini tahun 568 H muncullah gerakan Druz.<br /><br />402 H. Keluarnya pernyataan kebatilan nasab fatimah yang digembar gemborkan oleh penguasa kerejaan ubaidiyah di mesir dan menjelaskan ajaran mereka yang sesat dan mereka adalah zindiq dan telah dihukumi kafir oleh seluru ulama’ kaum muslimin.<br /><br />408 H. Penguasa kerajaan ubaidiyah di mesir yangb ernama Al Hakim biamrillah mengatakan bahwa dirinya adalah tuhan. Salah satu dari kehinaannya adalah dia berniat untuk memindahkan kubur Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam dari kota medinah ke mesir sebanyak 2 kali. Yang pertama adalah ketika dia disuruh oleh beberapa orang zindik untuk memindahkan jasad Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam ke mesir. Lalu dia membangun bangunan yang megah dan menyruh Abul Fatuh untuk membongkar kubur Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam lalu masyarakat tidak rela dan memberontak membuat dia mengurungkan niatnya. Yang kedua ketika mengutus beberapa orang untuk membongkar kuburan Nabi. Utusan ini tinggal didekat mesjid dan membuat lobang menuju kubur Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. Lalu makar mereka ketahuan dan utusan tersebut dibunuH.<br /><br />483 H. Munculnya gerakan Assasin yang menyeru kepada kerajaan ubaidiyah di mesir didirikan oleh hasan Assobah yang memiliki asal usul darah persia. Dia memulai dakwahnya di wilayah persia tahun 473 H.<br /><br />500 H. Penguasa ubaidiyun membangun sebuah bangunan yang megah diberi nama mahkota Husein. Mereka menyangka bahwa kepala husein bin ali bin abi tolib dikuburkan di sana. Hingga saat ini banyak kaum rofidhoh yan gberhaij ke tempat tersebut. Kita bersyukur kepada Allah atas nikmat akal yang diberikan kepada kita.<br /><br />656 H. Penghianatan besar yang dilakukan oleh rofidhoh pimpinan Nasiruddin Al Thusi dan Ibnul Alqomi yang bersekongkol dengan kaum tartar mongolia agar masuk ke baghdad dan membunuh 2 juta muslim dan banyak dari bani hasyim yang seolah2 dicinai oleh kaum rofidhoH. Pada tahun yang sama muncullah kelompok Nusairiyah yang didirikan oleh Muhammad bin Nusair.<br /><br />907 H. Berdirinya kerajaan Safawiyah di iran yang didirikan oleh shah ismail bin haidar al safawi yang juga seorang rofidhoh. Dia telah membunuh hampir 2 juta muslim yag menolak memeluk mazhab rofidhoh. Pada saat masuk ke baghdad dia memaki khulafa’ rosyidin di depan umum dan membunuh mereka yang tidak mau memeluk mazhab rofidhoh. Tak ketinggalan pula dia membongkar banyak kuburan orang sunni seperti Abu HanifaH. Termasuk peristiwa penting yang terjadi pada masa kerajaan sofawiyah adalah ketika shah abbas berhaji ke masyhad untuk menandingi haji di mekah. Pada tahun yang sama sodruddin al syirozi memulai dakwahnya kepada mazhab baha’iyah. Mirza ali muhammad al syirozi mengatakan bahwa Allah telah masuk ke dalam dirinya, setelah mati dia digantikan oleh muridnya Baha’ullah. Sementara itu di india muncul kelompok Qodiyaniyah pimpinan Mirza Ghulam Ahmad yang mengatakan bahwa dirinya dalah Nabi. Kerajaan safawiyah berakhir pada tahun 1149 H.<br /><br />1218 H. Seorang rofidhoh dari irak daang ke dar’iyah di najd dan menampakkan kesalehan dan kezuhudan. Pada suatu hari dia solat di belakang imam muhammad bin su’ud dan membunuhnya ketika dia sedang sujud saat solat asar dengan belati. Semoga Allah memerangi kaum rofidhoh para pengkhianat.<br /><br />1289 H. Pada tahun ini buku fashlul khitob fi tahrifi kitabi robbil arbab (penjelasan bahwa kitab Allah telah diselewengkan dan diubah) karangan Mirza Husain bin Muhammad Annuri Attobrosi . kitab ini memuat pendapat rofidhoh bahwasanya Al Qur’an yang ada saat ini telah diselewengkan, dikurangi dan ditambah.<br /><br />1389 H. Khomeini menulis buku Wilayatul faqih dan AL Hukumah AL IslamiyaH. Sebagian kekafiran yang ada pada buku tersebut (Al Huykumah AL Islamiyah hal 35) : khomeini berkata bahwa termasuk hal pokok dalam mazhab kita adalah bawah para imam kita memiliki posisi yang tidak dapat dicapai oleh para malaikat dan para Nabi.<br /><br />1399 H. Berdirinya pemerintahan rofidhoh di Iran yang didirikan oleh Khomeini setelah berhasil menumbangkan pemerintahan syah iran. Ciri khas negara ini adalah mengadakan demonstrasi dan tindakan anarkis atas nama revolsi Islam di tanah suci mekah pada hari mulia yaitu musim haji.<br /><br />1400 H. Khomeini menyampaikan pidatonya pada peringatan lahirnya imam mahdi fiktif mereka pada tanggal 15 sya’ban. Sebagian pidatonya berbunyi demikian : para Nabi diutus Allah untuk menanamkan prinsip keadilan di muka bumi tapi mereka tidak berhasil, bahkan Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam yang diutus untuk memperbaiki kemanusiaan dan menanamkan prinsip keadilan tidak berhasil.. yang akan berhasil dalam misi itu dan menegakkan keadilan di muka bumi dan meluruskan segala penyimpangan adalah imam mahdi yang ditunggu-tunggu.... begitulah menurut khomeini para Nabi telah gagal, termasuk Nabi Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam ... sementara revolusi kafirnya telah berhasil.<br /><br />1407 H. Jamaah haji iran mengaakan demonstari besar-besaran di kota mekah pada hari jum’at di musim haji tahun 1407. mereka melakukan tindakan perusakan di kota mekah seperti kakek mereka kaum qoromitoh, mereka membunuh beberapa orang aparat keamanan dan jamaah haji, merusak dan membakar toko, merusak dan membakar mobil beserta mereka yang berada di dalamnya. Jumah korban saat itu mencapai 402 orang tewas, 85 dari mereka adalah aparat keamanan dan penduduk saudi.<br /><br />1408 H. Mu’tamar Islam yang diadakan oleh Liga Dunia Islam di mekah mengumumkan fatwa bahwa khomeini telah kafir.<br /><br />1409 H. Pada musim haji tahun ini kaum rofidhoh meledakkan beberapa tempat sekitar masjidil haram di kota mekah. Mereka meledakkan bom itu tepat pada tanggal 7 Dzulhijjah dan mengakibatkan tewasnya seorang jamaah haji dari pakistan dan melukai 16 orang lainnya serta mengakibatkan kerusakan bangunan yang sangat besar. 16 pelaku insiden itu berhasil ditangkap dan dijatuhi hukuman mati pada tahun 1410 H.<br /><br />1410 H. Khomeini meninggal dunia, semoga Allah memberinya balasan yang setimpal. Kaum Rofidhoh membangun sebuah bangunan yang menyerupai kakbah di mekah, semoga Allah memerangi mereka.<br /><br />Sebelum menyaksikan potongan film kita akan membahas sedikit tentang perayaan Asyura.<br /><br />Memukul kepada dan dada <br /><br />Kaum rafidhah memukul-mukul badan mereka untuk mendekatkan diri mereka kepada Allah dan mendapatkan pahala di sisi-Nya.<br /><br /><br />Cara memukul badan<br /><br /><br />Dalam setiap peringatan hari besar mereka mereka, yang berbeda dengan perayaan hari besar kaum muslimin seperti peringatan terbunuhnya Ali bin Abi Tolib dan peringatan terbunuhnya Husein bin Ali, kaum rafidhoh melakukan upacara2 ritual untuk mengekspresikan kesedihan mereka terhadap musibah-musibah yang menimpa ahlul bait, yang kebanyakan cerita2 musibah itu adalah karangan mereka sendiri.<br /><br />Ritual2 ini diadakan di setiap wilayah yang memiliki penduduk kaum rafidhoh, tetapi terlihat sangat jelas di beberapa wilayah Pakistan, Iran, India, Irak dan wilayah Nabtiyah di Lebanon. Dalam merayakan ritual ini pun cara mereka berbeda2, di negara teluk mereka memukul badan mereka dengan tangan kosong karena masyarakat negara teluk lebih “berbudaya”. Tetapi di Pakistan dan Lebanon mereka menyabet badan mereka sendiri dengan pedang dan belati untuk menumpahkan dan melukai anggota badan.<br /><br />Sementara itu kaum rofidhoh di wilayah lainnya menggunakan rantai untuk memukuli badan mereka sendiri. Acara “pukul memukul” itu tak lupa disertai dengan pembacaan sya’ir2 kesedihan dan musibah, khotbah duka cita untuk ahlul bait,mencaci maki bani umayyah dan para sahabat Nabi. Semua itu dilakukan untuk mendapatkan pahala dan keridhoan Allah ta’ala. Tidak ketinggalan pula acara tangis bersama sampai berteriak-teriak, karena mereka mengatakan bahwa para imam mereka memberi kabar gembira “Barang siapa menangis atau membuat dirinya menangis untuk Husein maka wajib masuk sorga”. Semua ingin masuk sorga, maka semua berlomba-lomba untuk bertambah sedih dan bertambah kencang tangisnya.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Sejarah ritual “pukul memukul” <br /><br />Acara ritual ini bermula dari rasa sedih para pengikut Ali bin Abi Tolib yang telah berjanji untuk berperang membela Ali namun ketika terjadi perang mereka lari meninggalkan Ali bin Abi Tolib sendirian hingga Ali bin Abi Tolib pun bosan dan membenci mereka karena kemunafikan mereka. Lalu Ali bin Abi Tolib berkhotbah di kepada mereka dan menjuluki mereka dengan sifat-sifat yang jelek seperti pengkhianat, pembohong, kaum yang hina, orang yang berakal kerdil dll .. <br />”Aku mengajak kalian untuk berjihad dan kalian menolak, aku telah memberitahu kalian tapi kalian tidak mau mendengarkan, aku telah berdakwah kepada kalian mengajak kepada kebenaran tapi kalian tolak dakwahku, aku telah menasehati kalian tapi kalian enggan untuk menerima..” <br />Hingga Ali bin Abi Tolib berkata:<br />“Demi Allah..aku ingin agar Mu’awiyah menukar pengikutnya dengan pengikutku seperti menukar uang, maka 10 orang pengikutku akan kutukar dengan 1 orang pengikut Mu’awiyah”. [1]<br /><br /><br />Kesedihan pengikut Ali bin Abi Tolib makin bertambah ketika mereka menulis surat kepada Husein bin Ali bahwa mereka berbaiat kepada Husein dan berjanji akan menolongnya, tetapi ketika Husein bin Ali benar2 datang mereka tinggalkan mati sendirian bersama keluarganya seperti mereka meninggalkan muslim bin aqil mati sendirian. Maka bertambahlah kesedihan mereka hingga hati kecil mereka merasa bersalah, lalu mereka mulai menghukum diri mereka sendiri dengan memukul dada dan menampar pipi mereka. Semua ini sebagai hukuman atas perbuatan mereka dan sebagai pembalasan kepada diri mereka atas penghianatan mereka kepada Husein bin Ali, Muslim bin Aqil dan sebelumnya Ali bin Abi Tolib. Begitulah, semakin besar rasa bersalah seseorang, maka dia semakin “bersemangat” dalam memukul dirinya sendiri dan semakin keras pula menangisnya. Demikian ritual ini berkesinambungan, setiap generasi menghukum diri mereka sendiri atas kesalahan yang dilakukan oleh generasi yang hidup jauh sebelum mereka, yaitu pengkhianatan terhadap Allah dan Ahlul bait. Selang berlalunya waktu, generasi yang datang belakangan tidak pernah memahami sebab utama ritual ini dan mengira bahwa ritual ini hanya bertujuan untuk mengungkapkan kesedihan atas kejadian yang menimpa Husein bin Ali dan ahlul bait seperti yang didengungkan oleh para ulama, dan bukannya sebagai penyesalan atas pengkhianatan mereka. Sementara itu generasi belakangan tetap meyakini bahwa ritual ini untuk mencara pahala dengan rasa cinta kepada Husein bin Ali dan mereka lupa bahwa sebenarnya ritual ini diadakan sebagai hukuman kepada diri mereka sendiri yang telah menkhianati Husein bin Ali. Ini hukuman di dunia, di akherat Allah akan menghukum mereka dengan hukuman yang lebih berat. Subhanallah, bagaimana mereka mengubah ritual ini dari hukuman menjadi ibadah yang berpahala.<br /><br />Pendapat di atas dikuatkan oleh perkataan Zainab binti Ali yang ditujukan kepada pengikut Ali (Syi’ah,bukan rafidhoh) : “Wahai penduduk kufah, wahai para pengkhianat, perumpamaan kalian adalah bagaikan seorang perempuan yang mengurai benang yang sudah dipintal. Kalian hanya mempunyai kesombongan, kejahatan, kebencian dan kedustaan. Apakah kalian menangisi saudaraku? Tentu, demi Allah, maka perbanyaklah tangis dan jangan banyak tertawa, sungguh kalian telah diuji dengan kehinaan..bagaimana kalian menganggap enteng membunuh menantu nabi terakhir?. [2]<br /><br />Perkembangan ritual “pukul memukul” <br /><br />Ibadah ini mulai berkembang dan meluas di awal berkembangnya syi’ah saat mereka ingin mencari ibadah yang berbeda dengan ibadah bani umayyah dan supaya memperlihatkan perbedaan antara mereka dengan kaum muslimin lainnya. Maka mereka selalu berusaha membesar2kan dan menekankan pentingnya ritual ini. Bahkan mereka membuat pakaian khusus yang dipakai saat upacara yaitu pakaian berwarna hitam dengan alasan duka cita atas kematian Husein bin Ali dan ahlul bait.<br /><br /><br />Pada periode bani buwaih yang menguasai iran dan irak atas nama melindungi khilafah abbasiyah, mereka ikut mengembangkan upacara ini hingga menjadi bagian dari syi’ah yang tidak bisa dipisahkan lagi. Lalu datanglah syah ismail safawi yang berkhianat kepada khilafah uthmaniyah mengumumkan hari berkabung nasional yang berlaku di seluruh wilayah kekuasaannya pada 10 hari pertama bulan muharram. Bahkan syah sendiri mengadakan open house untuk menerima ucapan duka cita dari rakyat dan mengadakan perayaan khusus yang juga dihadiri oleh syah ismail. Juga syah abbas1 al safawi memakai pakaian hitam pada tanggal 10 muharrom dan melumuri dahinya dengan lumpur serta memimpin pawai di jalan2 sambil bersyair dengan syair duka untuk husien dan melaknat bani umayah.<br /><br />Peranan iran dalam pengembangan ritual pukul memukul<br /><br />Sejak berubah menjadi negara islam, iran menggalakkan warganya untuk menghidupkan kembali ritual2 seperti ini bahkan ikut mendanai kaum syiah di mana-mana untuk mengadakan perayaan 10 muharam besar-besaran. Tapi yang aneh, sebagian syiah tidak memiliki uang untuk membeli makanan tetapi iran malah memberikan dana dalam jumlah besar hanya untuk mengadakan perayaan ritual ini dengan alasan agama. Sehabis acara perayaan, kita melihat pemandangan cukup memalukan yang diliput oleh media massa dunia. Darah, gambar orang memukul diri disiarkan oleh media massa dengan menuliskan bahwa ini adalah perayaan hari besar kaum muslimin. Hal ini sangat memalukan kaum muslimin.<br /><br /><br />Pendapat dunia terhadap ritual ini<br /><br />Kantor berita reuter bagaikan mendapat “harta karun” berharga ketika wartawannya di wilayah nabtiah lebanon merekam gambar seorang syi’ah sedang memukul kepala anaknya dengan pedang pada perayaan 10 muharam. Begitulah, para pengikut aliran sesat selalu memberikan bukti atas kecaman musuh terhadap islam. Foto-foto berdarah perayaan asyura dimuat di media masa dunia, mereka membahasnya panjang lebar di koran, majalah bahkan channel TV untuk membahas kebuasan dan sifat haus dan ritual ibadah kaum muslimin yang jauh dari kemanusiaan.<br /><br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />[1] Nahjul Balaghoh hal 224.<br />[2] Al Ihtijaj, 2/29-30.<br /> <br /> <br /><br /> <br /> <br />Anda pengunjung <br /><br /><br /><br />Kejahatan Syi'ah <br /><br /><br />Bahwa seorang pemerhati hakekat (syiah) Rofidhoh serta aktifitas mereka akan mudah mengetahui bagaimana kriminal serta rasa benci mereka terhadap seluruh manusia dan khususnya golongan Ahlussunnah dimana perasaan benci ini berasal dari aqidahnya yang telah membuat pandangan mereka terbalik, yang baik dianggap buruk dan sebaliknya.. keburukan dianggap sebagai kebajikan.<br /><br />(Syiah) Rofidhoh adalah sekelompok orang liar yang berlaku kejam, ganas pada mereka berbeda kenyakinan terutama Ahlussunnah yang dianggap sesat serta menjadi musuh utama mereka, yang selalu menerangkan kebobrokan akidah syi’ah pada masyarakat, karena ini pula mereka menghalalkan darah dan harta Ahlussunnah.<br /><br />Anda perlu membaca kutipan-kutipan dari buku mereka,.<br /><br />Diriwayatkan dari Dawud bin Farqod. Dia berkata : “Saya berkata pada Abi Abdillah AS. Apa pendapatmu tentang membunuh seorang Nasibi? Ia berkata: halal darahnya akan tetapi hati-hatilah dan bila kau dapat runtuhkan dinding atas mereka dan tenggelamkan mereka kedalam air supaya tidak ada bukti/ jejak”.(Wasa’ilusyi’ah 18/463, Biharul Anwar 27/231).<br /><br />Komentar Imam Khumaini terhadap kutipan di atas : “jika kamu dapat mengambil hartanya maka ambillah, jangan lupa memberi kami seperlimanya”. Di samping ketarangan di atas, Khomeini mengatakan dalam kitabnya Tahrirul Wasilah jilid 1 hal 352 : pendapat yang terkuat adalah menyamakan Nasibi dengan orang kafir dalam hal diperbolehkan mengambil hartanya sebagai ghanimah dan wajibnya memberikan seperlima dari rampasan harta itu, dan yang jelas diperbolehkan mengambil harta mereka di mana saja dengan cara apa saja serta wajib memberikan seperlima dari harta tersebut pada kami.<br /><br />Sayid Ni’matullah Al Jazairi salah satu tokoh (Syiah) Rofidhoh berkata (sesungguhnya pada suatu kita Ali bin Yaqthin menteri salah seoran menteri yang bermazhab syi’ah. Suatu kali dalam penjaranya terdapat sekelompok orangg yan gtidak bermazhab syi’ah, lalu dia menyuruh anak buahnya agar merobohkan atap penjara maka sejumlah 500 orang mati tertimpa atap bangunan) Kitab Al Anwar Annu’maniyah jilid 3 hal 308.<br /><br />Buku sejarah mengisahkan tentang masuknya Hulako ke Baghdad. Dia telah melakukan pembantaian terbesar dalam sejarah manusia di mana sungai Tigris menjadi merah airnya karena banyaknya mayat ahlussunnah yang dibunuh dan diceburkan dalam sungai. Setelah itu warna sungai berubah menjadi biru karena banyaknya buku-buku yang diceburkan. Penyebab semua ini adalah dua orang menteri yang bernama Nasiruddin Attusi dan Muhammad bin Alqomi, keduanya menjadi menteri pada khilafah Abbasiyah, dan keduanya adalah penganut Syi’ah, mereka berdua diam-diam menjalin komunikasi dengan Holako dan berhasil mempengaruhi Hulako agar menginvasi Bagdad sekaligus meruntuhkan pemerintahan Abbasyiah. Keduanya punya kekuasaan yang luas dalam pemerintahan namun perasaan benci pada khilafah Abbasiyah tetap membara dalam hati mereka karena khilafah Abbasiyah menganut mazhab Ahlussunnah, maka begitu Hulako masuk dan merobohkan khilafah Abbasiyah, lalu mereka berdua menjadi menteri Holako padahal Hulako bukanlah seorng Muslim tapi dia adalah penyembah berhala.[1]<br /><br />Ternyata Khomeini sangat puas terhadap kinerja Ali bin Yaqthin, Thousy dan Alqomi dan menganggap bahwa apa yang telah mereka perbuat adalah suatu kontribusi yang besar terhadap Islam.<br /><br />Sayid Ni’matullah Aljazairi berkata tentang nasibi (sebentar lagi pembaca akan mengatahui, siapa itu Nasibi) : “ Ulama Syi’ah sepakat bahwa bahwa nasibi adalah orang-orang kafir dan najis, lebih jahat dari orang-orang Yahudi dan Nasrani . ciri-ciri Nasibi adalah mendahulukan orang selain Ali dalam kepemimpinan kaum muslimin setelah wafatnya Rasulullah”. Al Anwar Annu’maniyah jilid 2 hal 207-208.<br /><br />Berarti siapa saja yang berpendapat bahwa khalifah yang pertama setelah Nabi wafat adalah Abubakar, Umar dan Usman adalah nasibi (pembenci, pembangkang ahlul bait).<br /><br />Sahabat Nabi adalah kaum yang paling banyak terkena caci-maki syi’ah, terutama Abu Bakar – Umar – Ustman – Aisyah - Hafsah yang keduanya adalah istri Rasululloh, oleh karena itu dalam do’a berhala quraisy tercantum demikian :”Ya Alla laknatilah dua berhala Quraisy,- Abu Bakar – Umar- Jibt dan Toghutnya, serta kedua anaknya -Aisyah dan Hafsoh-. Doa ini tercantum dalam literatur syiah. Dan Khumaini selalu membacanya tiap hari setelah selesai sholat shubuh, seperti yang dikisahkan Husein Musawi, seorang Mujtahid Syi’ah yang kembali pada Ahlussunah dalam bukunya Lillah tsumma littarikh.<br /><br />Dari Hamzah bin Muhmmad Athhoyar berkata : suatu hari kami menyebut-nyebut Muhamad bin Abi Bakr lalu Ia berkata (semoga Alah merahmatinya. Ia berkata, suatu hari Muhammad bin Abi Bakri berkata pada kepada Amirul Mu’minin Ali bin Abi Tolib :” Bentangkan tanganmu, saya akan membaiat . Ia berkata apa yang akan engkau lakukan. Ia berkata baiklah, kemudian ia membentangkan tangannya maka ia berkata : Saya bersaksi bahwa engkau adalah pemimpin yang harus di taati dan ayahku (Abu Bakar) tempatnya di neraka. Rijalul Kisysyi hal 61.<br /><br />Dari Syuaib dari Abi Abdillah As Berkata “setiap keluarga pasti ada yang baik di antara mereka, dan sebaik-baik orang di antara keluarga yang jahat adalah Muhammad bin Abi Bakr”.Rijalul Kisyi hal 61.<br /><br />Adapun Umar, Sayyid Ni’matullah Aljazairi berkata :”Umar bin Khottob menderita penyakit dilobang anusnya yang tidak dapat diobati selain dengan air mani”. Al Anwar Annu’maniyah jilid 1 hal 63.<br /><br />Dan ketahuilah bahwa di kota Kasyan di Iran ada sebuah daerah bernama (Baghi fin) ada sebuah monumen seperti monumen pahlawan tak dikenal di di dalamnya ada kuburan yang diyakini sebagai kubur Abi Lu’lu’ah Fairuz Al Faarisy Al Majusi si pembunuh Umar bin Khotthob dimana orang biasanya menyebutnya dengan nama yang maknanya dalam bahasa Indonesia (kuburan pahlawan Agama yang pemberani). Abu Lu’lu’ah dijuluki demikian karena dia berhasil membunuh Umar bin Khotob.<br /><br />Di dinding bangunan ini terdapat tulisan dalam bahasa parsi “ marak bar Abubakar, marak bar Umar, Marak bar Utsman”, yang artinya “mampuslah Abu Bakar – Umar – Usman”.<br /><br />Tempat ini dikunjungi oleh orang-orang Iran dan mereka banyak memberikan sumbangan harta, saya telah menyaksikan sendiri tempat ini (ucapan ini dari Husein Musawi). Kementerian pendidikan Iran telah merenovasi tempat ini, lebih dari itu foto tempat ini dijadikan kartu pos.<br /><br />Di ceritakan oleh kulaini dari Ja’far As berkata sesungguhnya Abu Bakar – danUmar Meninggal dunia dalam keadaan belum bertaubat dan tidak ingat apa yang telah mereka lakukan pada Ali bin Abi Tolib , maka keduanya mendapat la’nat dari Allah, Malaikat dan semua manusia. Al Kafi jilid 8 hal 246.<br /><br />Dan diriwayatkan oleh Ali bin Yunus Al Bayadhi : bahwa Ustman adalah seorang gay dan banci. Sirotul Mustaqim jilid 2 hal 30.<br /><br />Kemudian yang menjadi pertanyaan bila ketiga kholifah Abu Bakar, Umar, Ustman bertingkah laku sebagaimana disebutkan di atas lantas bagaimana Ali membai’at mereka dan bagaimana Ali menjadi menteri bagi ketiganya semasa mereka menjabat sebagai khalifah?<br /><br />Dan bila yang seperti dikatakan Sayid Aljazairi bahwa Umar bin Khottob menderita penyakit dilobang anusnya yang tidak dapat diobati selain dengan air mani, lantas bagaimana Ali mau menikahkan anaknya Ummi Kultsum dengan Umar? Apakah Ali tidak tahu bahwa Umar terkena penyakit itu, sementara Ni’matullah Al Jazaa’iri tahu? Kita hanya perlu menggunakan sedikit akal sehat.<br /><br />Tentang Aisyah, Ibnu Rajab Al Barsi berkata bahwa sesungguhnya Aisyah telah mengumpulkan uang haram sebanyak 40 dinar. Masyarif Anwaril Yaqin hal 86.<br /><br />Telah diriwayatkan oleh Kulaini :”semua orang adalah anak zina dan pelacur kecuali Syi’ah.”Al Kafi jilid 8 hal 135.<br /><br />Sebagian nukilan dari kitab mereka yang mengisahkan tentang apa yang dilakukan oleh Imam Mahdi Syi’ah :<br /><br />1. Melaksanakan hukuman had terhadap Aisyah. Abu Ja’far berkata : jika Imam Mahdi telah keluar, maka Aisyah akan datang padanya, untuk menghukumnya dengan mencambuk dan membalaskan dendam Fatimah. Biharul Anwar jilid 52 hal 314<br /><br />2. Mengeluarkan Abu bakar dan umar dari kuburnya kemudian menyalibnya dan membakarnya. Al Anwar Annu’maniyah jilid 2 hal 85.<br /><br />3. Akan menyebarkan malapetaka. Dari Abu Ja’far berkata : “ Allah telah mengutus Nabi Muhammad sebagai rahmat, dan membangunkan Mahdi sebagai malapetaka. Biharul Anwar jilid 52 hal 315.<br /><br />4. Akan membunuh semua anak cucu para pembunuh Imam Husein. Imam Ridho ditanya : Apa pendapatmu tentang hadits yang diriwayatkan dari Imam Ja’far Assodiq : jika Imam mahdi telah muncul, dia akan membunuh seluruh anak cucu para pembunuh Imam Husein karena perbuatan kakek mereka. Imam Ridho menjawab : hal itu benar adanya. Aku berkata : bagaimana dengan firman Allah : seseorang tidak akan menanggung dosa orang lain (surat Annajm) dia menjawab :para anak cucu pembunuh Husein telah ridho terhadap perbuatan kakek mereka dan bangga akan hal itu.<br /><br />Setelah runtuhnya pemerintah Pahlawi di Iran karena Revolusi dan Khumaini memegang kendali pemerintahan maka para ulama Syiah harus mengunjungi Imam untuk mengucapkan selamat atas kemenangan ini dengan berdirinya negara Syiah modern yang dipimpin oleh para ahli agama.<br /><br /> Aku merasa lebih wajib dari mereka untuk mengucapkan selamat pada imam, karena hubungan saya yang dekat dengannya (cerita Husein Khumaini Al Musawi). Lalu aku pun berkunjung ke Iran sebulan setengah setelah Imam Khumaini pulang ke Teheran dari pengasingannya di Paris. Dia menyambutku dengan gembira. Kebetulan saya mengunjungi Imam sendirian dan tidak bersama rombongan Ulama irak.<br /><br />Dan pada kesempatan khusus dengan imam, dia berkata:” Wahai Sayid Husain, sekarang tiba saatnya untuk melaksanakan wasiat para imam, kita harus menghabisi semua nasibi, membunuh anak-anak mereka dan membiarkan istri-istri mereka tetap hidup. Kita tidak akan membiarkan satu pun dari mereka lolos dari siksaan. Harta mereka murni untuk Syiah. Kita akan meluluh lantakkan kota Mekkah dan Madinah dari muka bumi karena dua kota ini menjadi sarang kaum wahabi, dan karbala harus menjadi tanah suci , dan menjadi kiblat orang-orang sholat. dengan ini akan terwujud apa yang di impi-impikan oleh para imam, dan kita telah mendirikan negara kita ini dengan perjuangan yang lama dan sekarang rencana itu tinggal kita laksanakan.<br /><br />Catatan <br /><br />Ketahuilah bahwa kebencian Syiah terhadap Ahlussunah itu tidak dapat dilukiskan, sehingga para ulama Syiah membolehkan pengikutnya untuk berbohong atas nama ahlussunnah, menuduh tanpa bukti serta menjelek-jelekkan mereka.<br /><br />Kaum syiah memandang ahlussunnah dengan penuh kebencian, hal itu sudah menjadi instruksi dari pimpinan tingkat atas mereka. Bahkan mereka diinstruksikan untuk masuk ke instansi-instansi pemerintahan, terutama instansi yang vital seperti angkatan bersenjata dan badan inteljen. Mereka semua menunggu saatnya untukmengumumkan perang terhadap ahlussunnah. Ironisnya, mereka melakukan semua itu dengan anggapan sebagai bentuk kebaktian mereka pada ahlulbait. <br /><br />Apa yang dialami oleh ulama Ahlussunnah di Iran menjadi saksi terhadap kekejaman dan sikap ganas mereka. Penangkapan dan pembunuhan terhadap ulama Ahlussunnah masih terus berlangsung setelah Khatami menjadi presiden. Penindasan ini tidak hanya terjadi di kota-kota yang di dalamnya terdapat banyak penduduk Ahlussunnah, tapi sampai ke desa-desanya.<br /><br />Syeih Yar Muhamad Kahrowazi, tokoh sunni yang juga memimpin Perkumpulan Ahlussunah dan juga termasuk pengelola sebuah sekolah di kota Khasy telah dibunuh. Seluruh bukti mengarah kepada badan inteljen Iran yang telah membunuhnya, karena yang menangkapnya adlah kepala sekolah tempat dia mengajar. Hal tersebut bagian propaganda pemimpin revolusi mereka Ayatu Syaitan Khumaini untuk membersihkan Iran dari Ulama Ahlussunnah dalam rangka mempermudah rencanamereka untuk menjadikan Iran bersih dari Ahlussunnah. Pengganti syeikh yaitu Untuk memutuskan komunikasi antar mahasiswa Ahlussunnah mereka menempatkan mereka di beberapa penjuru daerah namun setelah salah satu Syeih mencoba melawan maka kemudian mereka menagkapinya, menyiksa dan baru kemudian mengembalikan ke asal mereka.<br /><br />Dengan demikian kita dapat simpulkan bahwa mereka itu adalah orang-orang kafir Najasi dia lebih jahat dari orang Yahudi Nasrani. Mereka adalah anak cucu para pelacur yang harus dibunuh di ambil hartanya tidak mungkin dapat berkumpul dalam berbagai hal dan tidak perlu ada kesepakatan baik ucapan, tingkah laku.<br /><br /> <br /> <br /><br /><br /><br />Sebab penamaan mereka dengan Syi’ah Itsna asyriyyah.(dua belas)<br />Dari 12 imam yang dianggap imam oleh Rofidhoh sbb:<br />Ali bin Abi Tolib Rodhiyallahu Anhu yang mereka juluki dengan Al Murtadho, khulafa Rosyidin ke 4, menantu Rasululah saw, mati dibunuh oleh Abdurrahman bin Muljim si Khawarij di masjid Kufah tahun 17 Romadhon 40 H. <br />Hasan bin Ali Radhiyallahu Anhuma yang dijuluki almujtaba. <br />Husein bin Ali Radhiyalahu Anhuma yang dijuluki syahid. <br />Ali Zainal Abidin bin Husein (80-122) yang dijuluki Al sajjad. <br />Muhammad Al baqir bin Ali Zainal Abidin (meninggal th 114 H) yang dijuluki Al Baqir. <br />Ja’far Assodiq bin Muhammad Al Baqir (meninggal th 148 H) dijuluki Assodiq. <br />Musa Al Kazim bin Ja’far Assodiq (meninggal th 183 H) dijuluki Al Kazim. <br />Ali Arridho bin Musa AL Kazim (meninggal th 203 H)dijuluki Arrodhiy. <br />Muhammad Al Jawwad bin Ali Arridho (195 H-226H)dijuluki Attaqiy. <br />Ali Al Hadi bin Muhammad Al Jawad (212-254 H) dijuluki Annaqiy. <br />Hasan Al Askari bin Al Alhadi (232-260 H) dijuluki Azzakiy. <br />Muhammad Al Mahdiy bin Hasan Al Askari, tidak diketahui kapan dilahirkan, ada yang berpendapat bahwa dia belum mati tapi menghilang di sirdaab. Dijuluki sebagai Alhujjah yang ditunggu2 dan kita Ahlussunnah menjulukinya dengan mahdi palsu. <br /> <br /><br /><br />Mereka menyangka bahwa Imam mahdi tersebut telah menghilang di sebuah lobang di rumah ayahnya di Samurra’ di Irak dan tidak pernah keluar lagi. Terjadi perselisihan mengenai waktu menghilangnya mahdi tersebut. Ada yang berpendapat dia berumur 4 tahun saat menghilang, ada yang berpendapat bahwa diamenghilang umur 8 tahun. Tetapi kebanyakan peneliti dan ulama berpendapat bahwa imam ke dua belas tersebut meamng tidak pernah ada, hanya merupakan karangan orang syi’ah saja.<br /><br />Sebab Penamaan mereka sebagai Rofidhi<br />Kata Rofdh secara bahasa memiliki makna menolak.[1]<br />Rafidhoh secara istilah bermakna: sebuah firqoh(kelompok) yang menyatakan diri mendukung dan cinta ahlul bait nabi Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam dengan memusuhi Abu Bakar dan Umar serta para sahabat kecuali beberapa orang, mengkafirkan mereka dan mencela/memaki para sahabat.<br /><br />Imam Ahmad bin Hambal berkata Rofidhoh adalah mereka yang memusuhi sahabat nabi Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam, yang memaki2 dan menghina mereka.[2] Abdullah bin Ahmad berkata : "aku bertanya kepada ayahku tentang Rofidhoh maka dia menjawab bahwa mereka adalah yang memaki Abu Bakar dan Umar."[3]<br /><br /><br />Imam Abu Qosim Attaimiy yang dijuluki dengan pembela sunnah tentang Rofidhoh: "mereka adalah yang memaki Abubakar dan Umar Rodhiyallahu Anhuma, semoga Allah meridhoi mereka berdua dan para pecinta mereka berdua."[4]<br />Tidak ada kelompok lain selain Rofidhoh yang mencela Abu Bakar dan Umar, ini adalah karena besarnya kehinaan mereka, semoga mereka dimusuhi Allah.<br />Syeikhul Islam Ibnu Taymiyah berkata: "Hanya Rofidhoh yang memusuhi dan melaknat Abu Bakar dan Umar, tidak ada selain mereka yang membenci kedua sahabat tersebut."[5]<br /><br /><br />Dalam literatur Rafidhoh telah dijelaskan bahwa cinta kepada Abubakar dan Umar adalah batasan yang membedakan mereka dengan kelompok lain yang mereka sebut sebagai Nawasib. Darrazi meriwayatkan dari Muhammad bin Ali bin Musa: "Aku menulis surat kepada Ali bin Muhammad Alaihissalam[6] tentang Nasibi apakah perlu untuk mengujinya/mengetahuinya dengan lebih jauh dari sekedar mendahulukan Jibt dan Toghut[7] (daripada Ali) dan meyakini bahwa mereka berdua adalah Imam? Maka beliau menjawab bahwa siapa saja yang begitu berarti nasibi."[8]<br /><br /><br />Sementara itu kebanyakan ilmuwan berpendapat bahwa sebab mereka disebut Rofidhoh adalah karena mereka menolak Zaid bin Ali dan keluar dari tentaranya setelah sebelumnya mereka adalah tentara Zaid bin Ali saat beliau memberontak kepada Khalifha Hisyam bin Abdul Malik tahun 121 H setelah mereka mengumumkan permusuhan terhadap Abubakar dan Umar lalu dilarang oleh Zaid.<br /><br />Abul Hasan Al Asy’ari berkata : Zaid bin Ali berpendapat bahwa Ali adalah sahabat yang paling utama dan berpendapat boleh memberontak kepada pemerintahan yang zolim serta mencintai Abubakar dan Umar. Setelah muncul orang yang memaki abubakar dan Umar di kalangan tentaranya maka dia memarahi mereka. Lalu sebagian tentaranya menolak perkataan Zaid dan memisahkan diri dari kelompoknya lalu Zaid berkata: "Kalian telah menolakku (rofadhtumuunii)", maka dikatakan bahwa mereka disebut sebagai Rofidhoh karena perkataan zaid di atas.[9]<br /><br />Qowamussunah[10], Arrozi[11], Syihristani[12], Ibnu Taymiyyah[13] juga berpendapat demikian. Sementara itu Abul Hasan Al Asy’ari memiliki pendapat lain, yaitu mereka diseut rofidhoh karena menolak kepemimpinan Abubakar dan Umar.[14] Kaum Rofidhoh sangat tidak senang dengan sebutan ini dan berpendapat bahwa julukan ini (rofidhoh) adalah sebutan yang berasal dari musuh mereka. Muhsin Al Amin berkata “Rofidhoh adalah ejekan kepada mereka yang mengutamakan Ali bin Abi Tolib dalam khilafah dan kebanyakan digunakan untuk ejekan”.[15]<br /><br />Oleh karena itu mereka menyebut diri mereka sebagai syi’ah dan dikenal luas dengan sebutan ini, serta memebuat beberapa cendikiawan tepengaruh dan menyebut mereka dengan sebutan syi’ah. Pada hakekatnya istilah syi’ah sendiri bermaknan umum yaitu mereka yang membela atau masuk dalam golongan seseorang. Memang Mereka secara nampak masuk dalam golongan Ali bin Abi Tolib tapi mereka menolak kepemimipinan Abubakar dan Umar serta menolak kebenaran maka mereka sebenarnya adalah rofidhoh, dan inilah sebutan yang harus kita gunakan untuk menyebut mereka.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-16000023986734584762010-08-30T20:19:00.002-07:002010-08-30T20:20:57.186-07:00hukum nikah dalm keadaan hamilHukum Nikah dalam Keadaan Hamil <br />Posted by admin <br />18/08/2004 4563 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Bagaimanakah hukumnya pernikahan yang dilaksanakan ketika wanita yang dinikahi dalam keadaan hamil?. Bila sudah terlanjur menikah, apakah yang harus dilakukan? Apakah harus cerai dulu, kemudian menikah lagi atau langsung menikah lagi tanpa harus bercerai terlebih dahulu? Dalam hal ini apakah masih diperlukan mas kawin (mahar)? <br /> <br /> <br />Oleh: Ust. Dzulqarnain bin Muhammad Sanusi <br /><br />Pertanyaan <br />1. Bagaimanakah hukumnya pernikahan yang dilaksanakan ketika wanita yang dinikahi dalam keadaan hamil? <br /><br />2. Bila sudah terlanjur menikah, apakah yang harus dilakukan? Apakah harus cerai dulu, kemudian menikah lagi atau langsung menikah lagi tanpa harus bercerai terlebih dahulu? <br /><br />3. Dalam hal ini apakah masih diperlukan mas kawin (mahar)? <br /><br /><br />Kami jawab dengan meminta pertolongan dari Allah Al-'Alim Al-Hakim sebagai berikut : <br />1. Perempuan yang dinikahi dalam keadaan hamil ada dua macam : <br />Satu : Perempuan yang diceraikan oleh suaminya dalam keadaan hamil. <br />Dua : Perempuan yang hamil karena melakukan zina sebagaimana yang banyak terjadi di zaman ini –Wal 'iyadzu billah- mudah-mudahan Allah menjaga kita dan seluruh kaum muslimin dari dosa terkutuk ini. <br /><br />Adapun perempuan hamil yang diceraikan oleh suaminya, tidak boleh dinikahi sampai lepas 'iddah nya. Dan 'iddah-nya ialah sampai ia melahirkan sebagaimana dalam firman Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala : <br /><br />Dan perempuan-perempuan yang hamil waktu 'iddah mereka sampai mereka melahirkan kandungannya. (QS. Ath-Tholaq : 4). <br /><br />Dan hukum menikah dengan perempuan hamil seperti ini adalah haram dan nikahnya batil tidak sah sebagaimana dalam firman Allah Ta'ala : <br /><br />Dan janganlah kalian ber'azam (bertetap hati) untuk beraqad nikah sebelum habis 'iddahnya. (QS. Al-Baqarah : 235). <br /><br />Berkata Ibnu Katsir dalam tafsir-nya tentang makna ayat ini : <br />Yaitu jangan kalian melakukan akad nikah sampai lepas 'iddah-nya. Kemudian beliau berkata : Dan para 'ulama telah sepakat bahwa akad tidaklah sah pada masa 'iddah. <br />Lihat : Al-Mughny 11/227, Takmilah Al-Majmu' 17/347-348, Al-Muhalla 10/263 dan Zadul Ma'ad 5/156. <br /><br />Adapun perempuan hamil karena zina, kami melihat perlu dirinci lebih meluas karena pentingnya perkara ini dan banyaknya kasus yang terjadi diseputarnya. Maka dengan mengharap curahan taufiq dan hidayah dari Allah Al-'Alim Al-Khabir, masalah ini kami uraikan sebagai berikut : <br />Perempuan yang telah melakukan zina menyebabkan dia hamil atau tidak, dalam hal bolehnya melakukan pernikahan dengannya terdapat persilangan pendapat dikalangan para 'ulama. <br /><br />Secara global para 'ulama berbeda pendapat dalam pensyaratan dua perkara untuk sahnya nikah dengan perempuan yang berzina. <br />Syarat yang pertama : Bertaubat dari perbuatan zinanya yang nista. <br /><br />Dalam pensyaratan taubat ada dua pendapat dikalangan para 'ulama : <br />Satu : Disyaratkan bertaubat. Dan ini merupakan madzhab Imam Ahmad dan pendapat Qatadah, Ishaq dan Abu 'Ubaid. <br />Dua : Tidak disyaratkan taubat. Dan ini merupakan pendapat Imam Malik, Syafi'iy dan Abu Hanifah. <br /><br />Tarjih <br /><br />Yang benar dalam masalah ini adalah pendapat pertama yang mengatakan disyaratkan untuk bertaubat. <br />Berkata Syaikhul Islam Ibnu Taimiyah dalam Al-Fatawa 32/109 : <br />Menikahi perempuan pezina adalah haram sampai ia bertaubat, apakah yang menikahinya itu adalah yang menzinahinya atau selainnya. Inilah yang benar tanpa keraguan. Tarjih diatas berdasarkan firman Allah 'Azza Wa Jalla : <br /><br />Laki-laki yang berzina tidak menikahi melainkan perempuan yang berzina atau perempuan yang musyrik. Dan perempuan yang berzina tidak dinikahi melainkan oleh laki-laki yang berzina atau laki-laki musyrik. Dan telah diharamkan hal tersebut atas kaum mu`minin. (QS. An-Nur : 3). <br /><br />Dan dalam hadits 'Amr bin Syu'aib dari ayahnya dari kakeknya 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin 'Ash, beliau berkata : <br /><br />Sesungguhnya Martsad bin Abi Martsad Al-Ghonawy membawa tawanan perang dari Makkah dan di Makkah ada seorang perempuan pelacur disebut dengan (nama) 'Anaq dan ia adalah teman (Martsad). (Martsad) berkata : Maka saya datang kepada Nabi shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam lalu saya berkata : Ya Rasulullah, Saya nikahi 'Anaq ?. Martsad berkata : Maka beliau diam, maka turunlah (ayat) : Dan perempuan yang berzina tidak dinikahi melainkan oleh laki-laki yang berzina atau laki-laki musyrik. Kemudian beliau memanggilku lalu membacakannya padaku dan beliau berkata : Jangan kamu nikahi dia. <br /><br />(Hadits hasan, riwayat Abu Daud no. 2051, At-Tirmidzy no. 3177, An-Nasa`i 6/66 dan dalam Al-Kubra 3/269, Al-Hakim 2/180, Al-Baihaqy 7/153, Ibnul Jauzy dalam At-Tahqiq no. 1745 dan disebutkan oleh Syeikh Muqbil rahimahullahu dalam Ash-Shohih Al-Musnad Min Asbabin Nuzul). <br /><br />Ayat dan hadits ini tegas menunjukkan haram nikah dengan perempuan pezina. Namun hukum haram tersebut bila ia belum bertaubat. Adapun kalau ia telah bertaubat maka terhapuslah hukum haram nikah dengan perempuan pezina tersebut berdasarkan sabda Rasulullah shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam : <br /><br />Orang yang bertaubat dari dosa seperti orang yang tidak ada dosa baginya. (Dihasankan oleh Syeikh Al-Albany dalam Adh-Dho'ifah 2/83 dari seluruh jalan-jalannya) <br />Adapun para 'ulama yang mengatakan bahwa kalimat 'nikah' dalam ayat An-Nur ini bermakna jima' atau yang mengatakan ayat ini mansukh (terhapus hukumnya) ini adalah pendapat yang jauh dan pendapat ini (yaitu yang mengatakan bermakna jima' atau mansukh) telah dibantah secara tuntas oleh Ibnu Taimiyah dalam Al-Fatawa 32/112-116. Dan pendapat yang mengatakan haram nikah dengan perempuan pezina sebelum bertaubat, ini pula yang dikuatkan Asy-Syinqithy dalam Adwa Al-Bayan 6/71-84 dan lihat Zadul Ma'ad 5/114-115. <br />Dan lihat permasalahan di atas dalam : Al-Ifshoh 8/81-84, Al-Mughny 9/562-563 (cet. Dar 'Alamil Kutub), dan Al-Jami' Lil Ikhtiyarat Al-Fiqhiyah 2/582-585. <br /><br />Catatan : <br />Sebagian 'ulama berpendapat bahwa perlu diketahui kesungguhan taubat perempuan yang berzina ini dengan cara dirayu untuk berzina kalau ia menolak berarti taubatnya telah baik. Pendapat ini disebutkan oleh Al-Mardawy dalam Al-Inshof 8/133 diriwayatkan dari 'Umar dan Ibnu 'Abbas dan pendapat Imam Ahmad. Dan Ibnu Taimiyah dalam Al-Fatawa 32/125 kelihatan condong ke pendapat ini. <br />Tapi Ibnu Qudamah dalam Al-Mughny 9/564 berpendapat lain, beliau berkata : Tidak pantas bagi seorang muslim mengajak perempuan untuk berzina dan memintanya. Karena permintaannya ini pada saat berkhalwat (berduaan) dan tidak halal berkhalwat dengan Ajnabiyah (perempuan bukan mahram) walaupun untuk mengajarinya Al-Qur'an maka bagaimana (bisa) hal tersebut dihalalkan dalam merayunya untuk berzina ?. <br /><br />Maka yang benar adalah ia bertaubat atas perbuatan zinanya sebagaimana ia bertaubat kalau melakukan dosa besar yang lainnya. Yaitu dengan lima syarat : <br />1. Ikhlash karena Allah. <br />2. Menyesali perbuatannya. <br />3. Meninggalkan dosa tersebut. <br />4. Ber'azam dengan sungguh-sungguh tidak akan mengulanginya. <br />5. Pada waktu yang masih bisa bertaubat seperti sebelum matahari terbit dari Barat dan sebelum ruh sampai ke tenggorokan. <br />Dan bukan disini tempat menguraikan dalil-dalil lima syarat ini. Wallahu A'lam. <br /><br />Syarat Kedua : Telah lepas 'iddah. Para 'ulama berbeda pendapat apakah lepas 'iddah, apakah merupakan syarat bolehnya menikahi perempuan yang berzina atau tidak, ada dua pendapat : <br />Pertama : Wajib 'iddah. <br />Ini adalah pendapat Hasan Al-Bashry, An-Nakha'iy, Rabi'ah bin 'Abdurrahman, Imam Malik, Ats-Tsaury, Imam Ahmad dan Ishaq bin Rahawaih. <br />Kedua : Tidak wajib 'iddah. <br />Ini adalah pendapat Imam Syafi'iy dan Abu Hanifah, tapi ada perbedaan antara mereka berdua pada satu hal, yaitu menurut Imam Syafi'iy boleh untuk melakukan akad nikah dengan perempuan yang berzina dan boleh ber-jima' dengannya setelah akad, apakah orang yang menikahinya itu adalah orang yang menzinahinya itu sendiri atau selainnya. Sedangkan Abu Hanifah berpendapat boleh melakukan akad nikah dengannya dan boleh ber-jima' dengannya, apabila yang menikahinya adalah orang yang menzinahinya itu sendiri. Tapi kalau yang menikahinya selain orang yang menzinahinya maka boleh melakukan akad nikah tapi tidak boleh ber-jima' sampai istibro` (telah nampak kosongnya rahim dari janin) dengan satu kali haid atau sampai melahirkan kalau perempuan tersebut dalam keadaan hamil. <br /><br />Tarjih <br /><br />Dan yang benar dalam masalah ini adalah pendapat pertama yang wajib 'iddah berdasarkan dalil-dalil berikut ini : <br />1. Hadits Abu Sa'id Al-Khudry radhiyallahu 'anhu, sesungguhnya Nabi shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam bersabda tentang tawanan perang Authos : <br /><br />Jangan dipergauli perempuan hamil sampai ia melahirkan dan jangan (pula) yang tidak hamil sampai ia telah haid satu kali. <br />(HR. Ahmad 3/62,87, Abu Daud no. 2157, Ad-Darimy 2/224 Al-Hakim 2/212, Al-Baihaqy 5/329, 7/449, Ath-Thobarany dalam Al-Ausath no. 1973 dan Ibnul Jauzy dalam At-Tahqiq no. 307 dan di dalam sanadnya ada rowi yang bernama Syarik bin 'Abdullah An-Nakha'iy dan ia lemah karena hafalannya yang jelek tapi hadits ini mempunyai dukungan dari jalan yang lain dari beberapa orang shohabat sehingga dishohihkan dari seluruh jalan-jalannya oleh Syeikh Al-Albany dalam Al-Irwa` no. 187). <br /><br />2. Hadits Ruwaifi' bin Tsabit radhiyallahu 'anhu dari Nabi shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam, beliau bersabda : <br /><br />Siapa yang beriman kepada Allah dan hari akhirat, maka jangan ia menyiramkan airnya ke tanaman orang lain. <br />(HR. Ahmad 4/108, Abu Daud no. 2158, At-Tirmidzi no. 1131, Al-Baihaqy 7/449, Ibnu Qoni' dalam Mu'jam Ash-Shohabah 1/217, Ibnu Sa'ad dalam Ath-Thobaqot 2/114-115, Ath-Thobarany 5/no.4482 dihasankan oleh Syeikh Al-Albany dalam Al-Irwa` no. 2137). <br /><br />3. Hadits Abu Ad-Darda` riwayat Muslim dari Nabi shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam : <br /><br />Beliau mendatangi seorang perempuan yang hampir melahirkan di pintu Pusthath. Beliau bersabda : Barangkali orang itu ingin menggaulinya ?. (Para sahabat) menjawab : Benar. Maka Rasulullah shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam bersabda : Sungguh saya telah berkehendak untuk melaknatnya dengan laknat yang dibawa ke kuburnya. Bagaimana ia mewarisinya sedangkan itu tidak halal baginya dan bagaimana ia memperbudakkannya sedang ia tidak halal baginya. <br /><br />Berkata Ibnul Qayyim rahimahullah : Dalam (hadits) ini ada dalil yang sangat jelas akan haramnya menikahi perempuan hamil, apakah hamilnya itu karena suaminya, tuannya (kalau ia seorang budak-pent.), syubhat (yaitu nikah dengan orang yang haram ia nikahi karena tidak tahu atau karena ada kesamar-samaran-pent.) atau karena zina. <br /><br />Nampaklah dari sini kuatnya pendapat yang mengatakan wajib 'iddah dan pendapat ini yang dikuatkan oleh Ibnu Taimiyah, Ibnul Qayyim, Asy-Syinqithy, Syaikh Ibnu Baz dan Al-Lajnah Ad-Daimah (Lembaga Fatwa Saudi Arabia). Wallahu A'lam. <br /><br />Catatan : <br />Nampak dari dalil-dalil yang disebutkan di atas bahwa perempuan hamil karena zina tidak boleh dinikahi sampai melahirkan, maka ini 'iddah bagi perempuan yang hamil karena zina dan ini juga ditunjukkan oleh keumuman firman Allah 'Azza Wa Jalla : <br /><br />Dan perempuan-perempuan yang hamil waktu 'iddah mereka sampai mereka melahirkan kandungannya. (QS. Ath-Tholaq : 4). <br /><br />Adapun perempuan yang berzina dan belum nampak hamilnya, 'iddahnya diperselisihkan oleh para 'ulama yang mewajibkan 'iddah bagi perempuan yang berzina. Sebagian para 'ulama mengatakan bahwa 'iddahnya adalah istibro` dengan satu kali haid. Dan 'ulama yang lainnya berpendapat : tiga kali haid yaitu sama dengan 'iddah perempuan yang ditalak. <br />Dan yang dikuatkan oleh Imam Malik dan Ahmad dalam satu riwayat adalah cukup dengan istibro` dengan satu kali haid. Dan pendapat ini yang dikuatkan oleh Ibnu Taimiyah berdasarkan hadits Abu Sa'id Al-Khudry di atas. Dan 'iddah dengan tiga kali haid hanya disebutkan dalam Al-Qur'an bagi perempuan yang ditalak (diceraikan) oleh suaminya sebagaimana dalam firman Allah Jalla Sya`nuhu : <br /><br />Dan wanita-wanita yang dithalaq (hendaknya) mereka menahan diri (menunggu) selama tiga kali quru`(haid). (QS. Al-Baqarah : 228). <br /><br />Kesimpulan Pembahasan : <br />1. Tidak boleh nikah dengan perempuan yang berzina kecuali dengan dua syarat yaitu, bila perempuan tersebut telah bertaubat dari perbuatan nistanya dan telah lepas 'iddah-nya. <br />2. etentuan perempuan yang berzina dianggap lepas 'iddah adalah sebagai berikut : <br />kalau ia hamil, maka 'iddahnya adalah sampai melahirkan. <br />kalau ia belum hamil, maka 'iddahnya adalah sampai ia telah haid satu kali semenjak melakukan perzinahan tersebut. Wallahu Ta'ala A'lam. <br />Lihat pembahasan di atas dalam : Al-Mughny 9/561-565, 11/196-197, Al-Ifshoh 8/81-84, Al-Inshof 8/132-133, Takmilah Al-Majmu' 17/348-349, Raudhah Ath-Tholibin 8/375, Bidayatul Mujtahid 2/40, Al-Fatawa 32/109-134, Zadul Ma'ad 5/104-105, 154-155, Adwa` Al-Bayan 6/71-84 dan Jami' Lil Ikhtiyarat Al-Fiqhiyah Lisyaikhil Islam Ibnu Taimiyah 2/582-585, 847-850. <br /><br />3. Telah jelas dari jawaban di atas bahwa perempuan yang hamil, baik hamil karena pernikahan sah, syubhat atau karena zina, 'iddahnya adalah sampai melahirkan. Dan para 'ulama sepakat bahwa akad nikah pada masa 'iddah adalah akad yang batil lagi tidak sah. Dan kalau keduanya tetap melakukan akad nikah dan melakukan hubungan suami-istri setelah keduanya tahu haramnya melakukan akad pada masa 'iddah maka keduanya dianggap pezina dan keduanya harus diberi hadd (hukuman) sebagai pezina kalau negara mereka menerapkan hukum Islam, demikian keterangan Imam Ibnu Qudamah dalam Al-Mughny 11/242. <br /><br />Kalau ada yang bertanya : Setelah keduanya berpisah, apakah boleh keduanya kembali setelah lepas masa 'iddah?. <br />Jawabannya adalah Ada perbedaan pendapat dikalangan para 'ulama. Jumhur (kebanyakan) 'ulama berpendapat : Perempuan tersebut tidak diharamkan baginya bahkan boleh ia meminangnya setelah lepas 'iddah-nya. <br />Dan mereka diselisihi oleh Imam Malik, beliau berpendapat bahwa perempuan telah menjadi haram baginya untuk selama-lamanya. Dan beliau berdalilkan dengan atsar 'Umar bin Khaththab radhiyallahu 'anhu yang menunjukkan hal tersebut. <br />pendapat Imam Malik ini juga merupakan pendapat dulu dari Imam Syafi'iy tapi belakangan beliau berpendapat bolehnya menikah kembali setelah dipisahkan. Dan pendapat yang terakhir ini zhohir yang dikuatkan oleh Ibnu Katsir dalam tafsir-nya dan beliau melemahkan atsar 'Umar yang menjadi dalil bagi Imam Malik bahkan Ibnu Katsir juga membawakan atsar yang serupa dari 'Umar bin Khaththab radhiyallahu 'anhu yang menunjukkan bolehnya. Maka sebagai kesimpulan pendapat yang kuat dalam masalah ini adalah boleh keduanya menikah kembali setelah lepas 'iddah. Wal 'Ilmu 'Indallah. Lihat : Tafsir Ibnu Katsir 1/355 (Darul Fikr). <br /><br />4. Laki-laki dan perempuan hamil yang melakukan pernikahan dalam keadaan keduanya tahu tentang haramnya menikahi perempuan hamil kemudian mereka berdua tetap melakukan jima' maka keduanya dianggap berzina dan wajib atas hukum hadd kalau mereka berdua berada di negara yang diterapkan di dalamnya hukum Islam dan juga tidak ada mahar bagi perempuan tersebut. Adapun kalau keduanya tidak tahu tantang haramnya menikahi perempuan hamil maka ini dianggap nikah syubhat dan harus dipisahkan antara keduanya karena tidak sahnya nikah yang seperti ini sebagaimana yang telah diterangkan. Adapun mahar, si perempuan hamil ini berhak mendapatkan maharnya kalau memang belum ia ambil atau belum dilunasi. <br />Hal ini berdasarkan hadits 'Aisyah radhiyallahu 'anha, Rasulullah shollallahu 'alaihi wa 'ala alihi wa sallam bersabda : <br /><br />Perempuan mana saja yang nikah tanpa izin walinya, maka nikahnya batil, nikahnya batil, nikahnya batil, dan apabila ia telah masuk padanya (perempuan) maka baginya mahar dari dihalalkannya kemaluannya, dan apabila mereka berselisih maka penguasa adalah wali bagi yang tidak mempunyai wali. <br />(HR. Syafi'iy sebagaimana dalam Munadnya 1/220,275, dan dalam Al-Umm 5/13,166, 7/171,222, 'Abdurrazzaq dalam Mushonnafnya 6/195, Ibnu Wahb sebagaimana dalam Al-Mudawwah Al-Kubra 4/166, Ahmad 6/47,66,165, Ishaq bin Rahawaih dalam Musnadnya 2/no. 698, Ibnu Abi Syaibah 3/454, 7/284, Al-Humaidy dalam Musnadnya 1/112, Ath-Thoyalisy dalam Musnadnya no. 1463, Abu Daud no. 2083, At-Tirmidzi no. 1102, Ibnu Majah no. 1879, Ibnu Jarud dalam Al-Muntaqo no. 700, Sa'id bin Manshur dalam sunannya 1/175, Ad-Darimy 2/185, Ath-Thohawy dalam Syarah Ma'any Al-Atsar 3/7, Abu Ya'la dalam Musnadnya no. 4682,4750,4837, Ibnu Hibban sebagaimana dalam Al-Ihsan no. 4074, Al-Hakim 2/182-183, Ad-Daruquthny 3/221, Al-Baihaqy 7/105,124,138, 10/148, Abu Nu'aim dalam Al-Hilyah 6/88, As-Sahmy dalam Tarikh Al-Jurjan hal. 315, Ibnul Jauzy dalam At-Tahqiq no. 1654 dan Ibnu 'Abbil Barr dalam At-Tamhid 19/85-87 dan dishohihkan oleh Al-Albany dalam Al-Irwa` no.1840). <br /><br />Nikah tanpa wali hukumnya adalah batil tidak sah sebagaimana nikah di masa 'iddah hukumnya batil tidak sah. Karena itu kandungan hukum dalam hadits mencakup semuanya. <br />Demikian rincian Ibnu Qudamah, Ibnu Taimiyah dan Ibnul Qayyim. <br /><br />Adapun orang yang ingin meminang kembali perempuan hamil ini setelah ia melahirkan, maka kembali diwajibkan mahar atasnya berdasarkan keumuman firman Allah Ta'ala : <br /><br />Berikanlah kepada para perempuan (yang kalian nikahi) mahar mereka dengan penuh kerelaan (QS. An-Nisa` : 4). <br /><br />Dan firman Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala : <br /><br />Berikanlah kepada mereka mahar mereka sebagai suatu kewajiban.(QS.An-Nisa` : 24) <br /><br />Dan banyak lagi dalil yang semakna dengannya. Wallahu A'lam. <br />Lihat : Al-Mughny 10/186-188, Shohih Al-Bukhary (Fathul Bary) 9/494, Al-Fatawa 32/198,200 dan Zadul Ma'ad 5/104-105. <br /><br />Referensi: Dari: Majalah An-Nashihah Volume 05 Th.1/1424 H/2004 M Rubrik: Masalah Anda, Diasuh oleh Ust. Dzulqarnain bin Muhammad Sanusi; hal.2-6 Catatan: Jika memperbanyak artikel ini mohon mencantumkan sumbernya. Terima kasihanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-31358303788007451842010-08-30T20:19:00.001-07:002010-08-30T20:19:56.364-07:00kekayaan yang tak hsbidArtikel / Tazkiyatun Nufus <br /> <br />Kekayaan yang Tiada Habis, Inginkah Engkau memilikinya? <br />Posted by admin <br />02/09/2004 4315 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />“Ketika seorang mukmin memahami nilai dunia dan hakikat kehidupan di dunia; ketika hati seorang mukmin digenangi oleh keimanan dan makrifat tentang Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, nama-nama, dan sifat-sifat-Nya; maka ketika itu; dari pemahaman dan keimanan itu, akan lahirlah karakter mental yang sungguh berharga, yaitu qona’ah. Itulah sebuah harta kekayaan yang tidak ada habisnya.” Demikian yang disampaikan oleh Syaikh Abdullah bin Abdul Hamid Al Atsari dalam bukunya “Qona’ah, Kekayaan Tiada Habisnya.” <br /> <br /> <br /><br />Kekayaan yang Tiada Habis, Inginkah Engkau memilikinya? <br />(Faktor pendukung untuk memiliki sikap qona’ah) <br /><br />“Ketika seorang mukmin memahami nilai dunia dan hakikat kehidupan di dunia; ketika hati seorang mukmin digenangi oleh keimanan dan makrifat tentang Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, nama-nama, dan sifat-sifat-Nya; maka ketika itu; dari pemahaman dan keimanan itu, akan lahirlah karakter mental yang sungguh berharga, yaitu qona’ah. Itulah sebuah harta kekayaan yang tidak ada habisnya.” Demikian yang disampaikan oleh Syaikh Abdullah bin Abdul Hamid Al Atsari dalam bukunya “Qona’ah, Kekayaan Tiada Habisnya.” <br /><br />Qona’ah - merasa cukup dengan apa yang ada- sebuah kata yang mudah untuk diucapkan, namun sulit untuk dipraktikkan. Terlebih di zaman ini, dimana kita melihat begitu banyak manusia mengalami “kegilaan” terhadap dunia beserta isinya. Di zaman sekarang ini, sulit rasanya untuk mewujudkan kekayaan yang tiada habisnya ini hanya dengan nasihat singkat, “Nak, bersikaplah qona’ah; kamu akan tenang hidupnya”; atau nasihat-nasihat sejenis. Keterangan singkat yang disisipkan pada pengajian-pengajian juga belum mencukupi untuk menumbuhkan harta yang tiada habisnya ini. Hadits-hadits tentang qona’ah yang kita baca pun, (terkadang) tidak cukup membantu untuk serta merta memunculkan sifat itu pada diri kita, kecuali orang-orang yang diridhai Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala. <br /><br />Fondasi Sifat Qona’ah <br />Fondasi yang utama dan pertama untuk menumbuhkan sifat ini adalah keyakinan yang benar. Keimanan kepada Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, mengenal Allah dengan nama dan sifat-sifat-Nya berikut keagungan dan keindahan yang dikandungnya; keimanan yang mantap kepada hari akhir, keyakinan yang benar tentang takdir yang baik dan buruk; semua itu merupakan landasan utama untuk menumbuhkan sifat dan karakter mental yang sangat mahal harganya ini. <br /><br />Keimanan dan pengetahuan seorang mukmin terhadap Allah beserta nama dan sifatnya; akan menjadikan dirinya merenungkan firman, perintah dan penjelasan-Nya; yang hasilnya ia akan memahami hakikat dunia, hakikat dirinya, dan hakikat qona’ah beserta manfaatnya di dunia dan di akhirat. <br /><br />Keimanan kepada hari akhir akan mendorong seorang mukmin untuk memiliki sikap zuhud terhadap dunia. Pemikirannya selalu tertuju kepada hari akhir dan seluruh rangkaiannya, terutama ketika amal-amal kita dihisab. Dengan bekal ini ia paham, bahwa hidup dunia hanyalah sementara, sebagaimana yang ia pelajari dari Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam, “Apa perluku dengan dunia? Perumpamaanku dengan dunia hanyalah ibarat pengendara ynag tidur siang sejenak di bawah naungan sebuah pohon, kemudian berangkat di sore hari dan meninggalkannya.” (HR.Ahmad dan Tirmidzi). Hal ini akan menjadikannya bersikap menerima apapun yang terjadi dengan dirinya dengan senang hati. <br /><br />Keimanan terhadap takdir yang baik maupun buruk akan memberikan sikap tenang dan ridho terhadap apa yang dialami, suka maupun duka. Hatinya senantiasa lapang, ia tidak mengenal kata gundah dengan sedikitnya rizki, lemahnya daya, maupun kemiskinan yang menimpanya. <br /><br />Inginkah Engkau memiliki harta itu? <br />Sebagaimana akhlak-akhlak mulia lainnya, sebagai karakter mental, qona’ah dipengaruhi beberapa faktor, diantaranya pendidikan, lingkungan, bertambah dan berkurangnya iman, serta ketinggian dan kerendahan cita-cita <br /><br />Syaikh Abdullah bin Abdul Hamid Al-Atsari menyebutkan beberapa faktor yang mendukung kita untuk memperoleh akhlak yang sangat berharga ini: <br /><br />1. Ilmu agama <br />Ilmu agama merupakan faktor utama untuk memperoleh harta yang tidak terkira ini. Dengan ilmu, kita mengetahui hakikat, manfaat, dan bahaya jika melalaikan qona’ah. Ilmu agama menjelaskan kepada kita hakikat dunia, menyingkap rahasia-rahasianya, dan bahaya-bahaya terlalu berorientasi kepadanya. Ilmu agama akan mendorong kita untuk mencintai dan mengerahkan seluruh perhatian kita kepada kampung akhirat, kehidupan yang kekal dan abadi. <br />“Dan tiadalah kehidupan di dunia ini selain main-main dan sendau gurau. Dan sungguh kampung akhirat itu lebih baik bagi orang-orang yang bertakwa. Tidakkah kamu memahaminya? (Al-An’am:32) <br /><br />Dengan ilmu pula kita memperoleh pengetahuan tentang Allah Azza wa ‘Ala dengan seluruh nama-Nya yang husna dan sifat-Nya yang tinggi. Kebenaran akidah: iman kepada hari akhir dan iman kepada takdir yang baik maupun buruk, yang hal itu merupakan pondasi dasar yang memiliki pengaruh sangat besar dalam mewujudkan sifat qona’ah, semuanya dapat diperoleh dengan ilmu agama. <br /><br />2. Keimanan yang mantap <br />Ilmu yang kita miliki (insya Allah) berbuah menjadi keimanan yang mantap. Kuat lemahnya sifat qona’ah dalam menghadapi berbagai “fitnah” dunia ini, sesuai dengan tingkat kekuatan iman yang ada pada setiap kita. <br /><br />3. Pemahaman yang benar tentang qodho dan qodar <br />Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala telah membagi-bagi rizki dan keadaan hidup seluruh manusia sejak zaman azali.{embagian yang dilakukan oleh Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala merupakan ketetapan berdasarkan kebijaksanaan dan ilmu-Nya. Jika kita memahami bahwa ambisi, keluh kesah, dan perhatian kita terhadap dunia dan harta, tidak akan menambah rizki, (karena tidak mungkin kita bisa mengoreksi ketetapan dan qodar Allah); pemahaman seperti dapat menumbuhkan sifat qona’ah, tenang, rileks terhadap keadaan yang diterimanya, apakah kita kaya maupun miskin. <br />Sikap ridho seorang mukmin dalam menghadapi ketetapan qodha dan qodar Allah akan memberikan kepadanya mata yang jeli dalam melihat kondisi kehidupan dan hakikat pembagiannya. Yang menetapkan rizkinya adalah Allah, Allah juga yang telah membeda-bedakan tingkat rizki, melebihkan yang satu terhadap yang lainnya. Perbedaan ini merupakan ujian bagi kita; ujian bagi orang kaya engan kelebihannya, ujian bagi orang miskin dengan kekurangannya. Perbedaan antara orang kaya dengan orang miskin dalam rizki bukan merupakan bukti mengenai perbedaan kedudukan keduanya di dunia maupun di sisi Allah Azza wa Jalla. <br /><br />“Apakah mereka yang membagi-bagi rahamt Tuhanmu? Kami telah menentukan antara mereka penghidupan mereka dalam kehidupan dunia, dan Kami telah meninggikan sebagian mereka atas sebagian yang lain beberapa derajat, agar sebagian mereka dapat mempergunakan sebagian yang lain. Dan rahmat Tuhanmu lebih baik dari apa yang mereka kumpulkan.” (Az Zukhruf:32) <br /><br />“Bersikaplah ridho terhadap apa yang dibagikan oleh Allah, niscaya kamu menjadi manusia yang paling kaya.” (HR.Ahmad) <br /><br />4. Perjuangan Mental dan Bersabar <br />Sesuai dengan kebijaksanan-Nya, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala telah memberi kita nafsu yang senantiasa menyuruh kepada kejahatan, kecuali nafsu yang diberi rahmat Tuhan.(Yusuf:53). Salah satu bentuk keliaran nafsu adalah permusuhannya terhadap sikap qona’ah. Selama kita tidak melawan nafsu beserta keliarannya, ketika itu kita telah membuka pintu-pintu ambisi, ketamakan, kerakusan, kekikiran, dan keluh kesah. <br /><br />“Jauhilah sifat syuhh, karena sifat syuhh telah membinasakan orang-orang sebelummu, mendorong mereka untuk menumpahkan darah mereka dan melanggar hal-hal yang diharamkan bagi mereka.” (HR.Muslim) <br /><br />Imam Ibnu Rojab al Hanbali rahimahullah menjelaskan bahwa syuhh adalah ambisi besar yang mendorong pemilikinya mengambil banyak hal yang tidak halal, tidak menunaikan kewajiban terhadapnya. Substansi sifat ini adalah kerinduan diri kepada apa yang diharamkan oelh Allah serta tidak puas dengan yang telah dihalalkan oelh Alloh, baik menyangkut harta, kemaluan, atau lainnya. <br /><br />Mengendalikan nafsu dan memaksanya memiliki sikap qona’ah membutuhkan kesabaran dan ketabahan dari seorang mukmin. Kesabaran di sini berkaitan dengan hal-hal yang diharamkan dan hal-hal yang meragukan; karena sifat qona’ah menuntut sikap zuhud, ridho, dan waro’. Sabar dalam ketaatan dan tidak berbuat maksiat. <br /><br />5. Berdoa dan Memohon kepada Allah <br />“Ya Allah, aku memohon kepada-Mu petunjuk, ketakwaan, sikap menjaga martabat, dan kekayaan.” (HR.Muslim) <br /><br />Syaikh Abdurrahman Nashir As-Sa’di rahimahullah, berkata:”Ini merupakan salah satu doa yang paling luas cakupan maknanya dan paling bermanfaat. Doa ini mengandung permohonan agar dikarunia kebaikan di dunia dan akhirat. ‘Afaf (sikap menjaga martabat) dan ghina (kekayaan) mengandung arti menjaga kehormatan di hadapan sesama manusia, tidak menggantungkan diri kepada mereka dan merasa kaya dengan Alloh, rizki-Nya, sikap menerima dengan senang hati terhadap apa yang ada pada dirinya, serta diperolehnya kecukupan yang bisa menenangkan hati. Dengan semua itu, sempuralah kebahagiaan hidup di dunia dan ketenangan batin, dan itulah hayah thoyyibah (kehidupan yang baik). <br /><br />6. Menjauhi Orang-Orang yang Suka Berkeluh Kesah <br />Teman, kawan, orang-orang di sekitar kita, sangat besar pengaruhnya pada diri kita. Siapa yang lama berkawan dengan orang-orang yang suka berkeluh kesah dan ambisius, maka akan tertimpa penyakit mereka. Hawa nafsu dan akhlak mereka akan menular kepada dirinya. Sebaliknya, berkawan dengan orang-orang sholih, senantiasa berdzikir, zuhud (sekalipun mereka adalah orang-orang kaya dan lapang), akan mendorong kita mengikuti mereka: memiliki sifat qona’ah, zuhud, menerima dengan senang hati semua rizki yang telah dibagikan oleh Allah. <br /><br />Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam bersabda, “Seseorang mengikuti agama kawan dekatnya, maka hendaklah setiap orang dari kalian memperhatikan siapa yang menjadi kawan dekatnya.” <br /><br />7. Melihat yang “di bawah” <br />“Andaikata anak Adam memiliki dua lembah emas, pasti ia ingin memiliki dua lembah, dan mulutnya tidak kunjung bisa dipenuhi, kecuali dengan tanah. Dan Allah menerima taubat siapa yang bertaubat.” (HR.Bukhari-Muslim) <br /><br />Manusia, memiliki watak dasar yang mendorongnya utnuk mencintai harta dan dunia. (terkadang) hal ini menjadikan kita melupakan nikmat-nikmat yang telah Allah berikan kepada kita. Bagaimanapun keadaan yang ada pada diri kita, setiap kita pasti telah dikaruniai nikmat dari Allah yang saking banyaknya tidak mampu kita inventarisir dan hitung. Bukan hanya telah, tapi semua yang telah dan akan kita alami adalah nikmat dan karunia Allah yang terkira. <br /><br />Namun, nikmat dan karunia yang telah Allah berikan secara gratis kepada kita, terkadang terabaikan. Kita merasa kurang dan kurang… kita tidak peduli dan tidak menyadari nilainya… Hal ini bisa jadi karena kita selalu melihat orang-orang yang mendapat nikmat lebih baik dari kita. <br /><br />Seandainya kita melihat orang-orang yang tidak seberuntung kita, orang-orang yang ada “dibawah” kita… atau satu atau beberapa nikmat dari Allah dicabut (misal: nikmat sehat)… baru kita merasakan nikmat-nikmat itu… barulah kita merasa tenang; oleh karena itu; salah satu faktor yang mendorong tumbuhnya sifat qona'ah adalah melihat orang yang keadaannya “dibawah” kita. <br />Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam bersabda, “Lihatlah kepada siapa yang lebih rendah dari kalian, jangan melihat kepada siapa yang lebih tinggi dari kalian; karena itu akan menjadikan kalian tidak menyepelekan nikmat Allah.” (HR.Bukhori) <br /><br />Inilah beberapa cara untuk menumbuhkan sifat qona’ah dan menerima dengan senang hati rizki dan penghidupan yang telah dibagikan Allah kepada setiap kita. <br /><br />Penutup <br />Pengetahuan tentang hal ini bukan semata-mata pengetahuan ilmiah naratif yang kering dari substansi pelaksanaan yang bisa membedakan antara orang yang bersikap qona’ah atau senantiasa gundah gulana dan berkeluh kesah. Terkadang kita temui, orang yang memiliki sifat qona’ah melimpah ruah tidak hafal dalil-dalil ilmiah dan prinsip-prinsip tersebut selain kandungan makna yang shohih. Dipihak lain, terkadang kita jumpai orang yang mengaku “berilmu” namun tidak memiliki sifat qona’ah sama sekali. Inilah kenyataan yang ada pada kita sekarang ini. Anda ingin menjadi yang mana, wahai Saudaraku? Semoga Allah senantiasa menghiasi diri, keluarga, dan keturunan kita; serta kaum muslimin dengan sifat qona’ah. Amiin. <br /><br /><br />Catatan: <br />Semoga bermanfaat, <br />Abah Utik, Semoga Allah mengampuninya, mengampuni kedua orang tuanya, keluarga dan keturunannya, serta seluruh kaum muslimin. Semoga Allah menjadikan kita termasuk dalam golongan orang-orang yang sabar dan ikhlas. Amiinanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-36763905118580337452010-08-30T20:18:00.002-07:002010-08-30T20:19:27.329-07:00kenapa harus menikahArtikel / Keluarga <br /> <br />Kenapa Harus Menikah? <br />Posted by admin <br />06/12/2004 4282 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Berikut beberapa alasan mengapa harus menikah, semoga bisa memotivasi kaum muslimin untuk memeriahkan dunia dengan nikah. <br /> <br /> <br />Berikut beberapa alasan mengapa harus menikah, semoga bisa memotivasi kaum muslimin untuk memeriahkan dunia dengan nikah. <br /><br />1. Melengkapi agamanya <br />“Barang siapa menikah, maka ia telah melengkapi separuh dari agamanya. Dan hendaklah ia bertaqwa kepada Allah dalam memelihara yang separuhnya lagi. (HR. Thabrani dan Hakim). <br /><br />2. Menjaga kehormatan diri <br />“Wahai para pemuda! Barang siapa diantara kalian berkemampuan untuk nikah, maka nikahlah, karena nikah itu lebih mudah menundukkan pandangan dan lebih membentengi farji (kemaluan). Dan barang siapa yang tidak mampu, maka hendaklah ia puasa, karena puasa itu dapat membentengi dirinya. (HSR. Ahmad, Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidzi, Nasaiy, Darimi, Ibnu Jarud dan Baihaqi). <br /><br />3. Senda guraunya suami-istri bukanlah perbuatan sia-sia <br />“Segala sesuatu yang di dalamnya tidak mengandung dzikrullah merupakan perbuatan sia-sia, senda gurau, dan permainan, kecuali empat (perkara), yaitu senda gurau suami dengan istrinya, melatih kuda, berlatih memanah, dan mengajarkan renang.” (Buku Adab Az Zifaf Al Albani hal 245; Silsilah Al Ahadits Ash Shahihah no. 309). <br /><br />Hidup berkeluarga merupakan ladang meraih pahala <br />4. Bersetubuh dengan istri termasuk sedekah <br />Pernah ada beberapa shahabat Nabi SAW berkata kepada beliau, “Wahai Rasulullah, orang-orang kaya telah memborong pahala. Mereka bisa shalat sebagaimana kami shalat; mereka bisa berpuasa sebagaimana kami berpuasa; bahkan mereka bisa bersedekah dengan kelebihan harta mereka.” Beliau bersabda, “Bukankah Allah telah memberikan kepada kalian sesuatu yang bisa kalian sedekahkan? Pada tiap-tiap ucapan tasbih terdapat sedekah; (pada tiap-tiap ucapan takbir terdapat sedekah; pada tiap-tiap ucapan tahlil terdapat sedekah; pada tiap-tiap ucapan tahmid terdapat sedekah); memerintahkan perbuatan baik adalah sedekah; mencegah perbuatan munkar adalah sedekah; dan kalian bersetubuh dengan istri pun sedekah.” Mereka bertanya, “Wahai Rasulullah, kok bisa salah seorang dari kami melampiaskan syahwatnya akan mendapatkan pahala?” Beliau menjawab, “Bagaimana menurut kalian bila nafsu syahwatnya itu dia salurkan pada tempat yang haram, apakah dia akan mendapatkan dosa dengan sebab perbuatannya itu?” (Mereka menjawab, “Ya, tentu.” Beliau bersabda,) “Demikian pula bila dia salurkan syahwatnya itu pada tempat yang halal, dia pun akan mendapatkan pahala.” (Beliau kemudian menyebutkan beberapa hal lagi yang beliau padankan masing-masingnya dengan sebuah sedekah, lalu beliau bersabda, “Semua itu bisa digantikan cukup dengan shalat dua raka’at Dhuha.”) (Buku Adab Az Zifaf Al Albani hal 125). <br /><br />5. Adanya saling nasehat-menasehati <br /><br />6. Bisa mendakwahi orang yang dicintai <br /><br />7. Pahala memberi contoh yang baik <br />“Siapa saja yang pertama memberi contoh perilaku yang baik dalam Islam, maka ia mendapatkan pahala kebaikannya dan mendapatkan pahala orang-orang yang meniru perbuatannya itu tanpa dikurangi sedikit pun. Dan barang siapa yang pertama memberi contoh perilaku jelek dalam Islam, maka ia mendapatkan dosa kejahatan itu dan mendapatkan dosa orang yang meniru perbuatannya tanpa dikurangi sedikit pun.” (HR. Muslim, Buku Riyadush Shalihin Bab Orang yang pertama kali melakukan kebaikan atau kejahatan.) <br /><br />Bagaimana menurut Anda bila ada seorang kepala keluarga yang memberi contoh perbuatan yang baik bagi keluarganya dan ditiru oleh istri dan anak-anaknya? Demikian juga sebaliknya bila seorang kepala keluarga memberi contoh yang jelek bagi keluarganya? <br /><br />8. Seorang suami memberikan nafkah, makan, minum, dan pakaian kepada istrinya dan keluarganya akan terhitung sedekah yang paling utama. Dan akan diganti oleh Allah, ini janji Allah. <br />Dari Abu Hurairah r.a., ia berkata: Rasulullah SAW, bersabda: “Satu dinar yang kamu nafkahkan di jalan Allah, satu dinar yang kamu nafkahkan untuk memerdekakan budak, satu dinar yang kamu berikan kepada orang miskin dan satu dinar yang kamu nafkahkan kepada keluargamu, maka yang paling besar pahalanya yaitu satu dinar yang kamu nafkahkan kepada keluargamu.” (HR Muslim, Buku Riyadush Shalihin Bab Memberi nafkah terhadap keluarga). <br /><br />Dari Abu Abdullah (Abu Abdurrahman) Tsauban bin Bujdud., ia berkata: Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “Dinar yang paling utama adalah dinar yang dinafkahkan seseorang kepada keluarganya, dinar yang dinafkahkan untuk kendaraan di jalan Allah, dan dinar yang dinafkahkan untuk membantu teman seperjuangan di jalan Allah.” (HR. Muslim, Buku Riyadush Shalihin Bab Memberi nafkah terhadap keluarga). <br /><br />Seorang suami lebih utama menafkahkan hartanya kepada keluarganya daripada kepada yang lain karena beberapa alasan, diantaranya adalah nafkahnya kepada keluarganya adalah kewajiban dia, dan nafkah itu akan menimbulkan kecintaan kepadanya. <br /><br />Muawiyah bin Haidah RA., pernah bertanya kepada Rasulullah SAW: ‘Wahai Rasulullah, apa hak istri terhadap salah seorang di antara kami?” Beliau menjawab dengan bersabda, “Berilah makan bila kamu makan dan berilah pakaian bila kamu berpakaian. Janganlah kamu menjelekkan wajahnya, janganlah kamu memukulnya, dan janganlah kamu memisahkannya kecuali di dalam rumah. Bagaimana kamu akan berbuat begitu terhadapnya, sementara sebagian dari kamu telah bergaul dengan mereka, kecuali kalau hal itu telah dihalalkan terhadap mereka.” (Adab Az Zifaf Syaikh Albani hal 249). <br /><br />Dari Sa’ad bin Abi Waqqash RA., dalam hadits yang panjang yang kami tulis pada bab niat, ia berkata: Rasulullah SAW bersabda kepadanya: “Sesungguhnya apa saja yang kamu nafkahkan dengan maksud kamu mencari keridhaan Allah, niscaya kamu akan diberi pahala sampai apa saja yang kamu sediakan untuk istrimu.” (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim, Buku Riyadush Shalihin Bab Memberi nafkah terhadap keluarga) <br /><br />Dari Abdullah bin Amr bin ‘Ash ra., ia berkata: Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “Seseorang cukup dianggap berdosa apabila ia menyianyiaka orang yang harus diberi belanja.” (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim, Buku Riyadush Shalihin Bab Memberi nafkah terhadap keluarga). <br /><br />Dan akan diganti oleh Allah, ini janji Allah <br /><br />“Dan barang apa saja yang kamu nafkahkan maka Allah akan menggantinya.” (Saba’: 39). <br /><br />Dari Abu Hurairah RA, ia berkata: Nabi SAW bersabda: “Setiap pagi ada dua malaikat yang datang kepada seseorang, yang satu berdoa: “Ya Allah, berikanlah ganti kepada orang yang menafkahkan hartanya.” Dan yang lain berdoa: “Ya Allah, binasakanlah harta orang yang kikir.” (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim, Buku Riyadush Shalihin Bab Memberi nafkah terhadap keluarga). <br /><br /><br />9. Seorang pria yang menikahi janda yang mempunyai anak, berarti ikut memelihara anak yatim <br /><br /><br />Janji Allah berupa pertolongan-Nya bagi mereka yang menikah. <br />1. Dan kawinkanlah orang-orang yang sendirian diantara kamu dan orang-orang yang layak (berkawin) dari hamba-hamba sahayamu yang laki-laki dan perempuan. Jika mereka miskin Allah akan memampukan mereka dengan karunia-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Luas (Pemberian-Nya) lagi Maha Mengetahui. (An Nur: 32) <br />2. Ada tiga golongan manusia yang berhak Allah tolong mereka, yaitu seorang mujahid fi sabilillah, seorang hamba yang menebus dirinya supaya merdeka dan seorang yang menikah karena ingin memelihara kehormatannya. (HR. Ahmad 2: 251, Nasaiy, Tirmidzi, Ibnu Majah hadits no. 2518, dan Hakim 2: 160) <br /><br />[Kontributor : Chandraleka, 06 Desember 2004 ] <br /><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> ©copyleft 2001-2006 Perpustakaan-Islam.Com Powered by eNdonesia 8.3animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-4129500897698390432010-08-30T20:18:00.001-07:002010-08-30T20:18:57.011-07:00zakjat fitrioZakat al-Fithr <br />Posted by admin <br />16/12/2004 2142 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Zakāt al-Fithr disebut juga sebagai Shadaqah al-Fithr. Kata al-Fithr الفطر sama halnya dengan Ifthaar افطار yang berarti berbuka puasa dan kata itu datang dari akar kata yang sama yaitu Futhuurفطور yang berarti sarapan pagi. Disebut demikian karena orang yang berbuka adalah orang yang makan sejak pagi. Secara Istilah Zakāt al-Fithr berarti zakat yang dikeluarkan pada hari ketika kembali berbuka (akhir puasa Ramadhan). <br /> <br /> <br />Dr. Abu Ameenah Bilal Philips <br /><br />﴾ قَدْ اَفْلَحَ مَنْ تَزَكَّى وَذَكَرَ اسْمَ رَبِّهِ فَصَلَّى ﴿ الأعلى : 14 <br />Sungguh Telah beruntung orang-orang yang mensucikan dirinya dan orang-orang yang menyebut nama Tuhannya kemudian ia mengerjakan shalat. (QS. al-A’laa: 14) <br /><br />Ayat ini menyatakan bahwa beruntunglah bagi siapa saja yang membersihkan dirinya dengan mengikuti petunjuk Allah dan Rasul-Nya, baik dengan zakat maupun amal soleh. Kemudian mengagungkan nama Tuhannya (berdzikir) dan mengerjakan shalat lima waktu. Menurut riwayat Ibnu ‘Umar, Abu Sa’id al-Khudriy, Abu ‘Āliyah dan Ibnu Khuzaimah ayat di atas diturunkan berkenaan dengan zakat fithri, takbir hari raya puasa dan shalat ‘Iedul-Fithri. <br /><br />Definisi <br />Zakāt al-Fithr disebut juga sebagai Shadaqah al-Fithr. Kata al-Fithr الفطر sama halnya dengan Ifthaar افطار yang berarti berbuka puasa dan kata itu datang dari akar kata yang sama yaitu Futhuurفطور yang berarti sarapan pagi. Disebut demikian karena orang yang berbuka adalah orang yang makan sejak pagi. Secara Istilah Zakāt al-Fithr berarti zakat yang dikeluarkan pada hari ketika kembali berbuka (akhir puasa Ramadhan). <br /><br />Yang Wajib Mengeluarkan Zakāt al-Fithr <br />Zakāt al-Fithr adalah suatu kewajiban bagi setiap Muslim, baik Laki-laki ataupun Perempuan, anak kecil atau orang dewasa sepanjang dia mempunyai harta untuk melakukannya. Dalil yang menyebutkan bahwa Zakāt al-Fithr adalah pemberian yang wajib terdapat didalam Sunnah melalui riwayat Ibn ` Umar ; <br /><br />عَنِ ابْنِ عُمَرَ D قَالَ فَرَضَ رَسُوْلُ اللهِ B زَكَاةَ الْفِطْرِ صَاعًا مِنْ تَمْرٍ اَوْ صَاعًا مِنْ شَعِيْرٍ عَلَى الْعَبْدِ وَالْحُرِّ وَالذَّكَرِ وَ الأُنْثَى وَالصَّغِيْرِ وَالْكَبِيْرِ (مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِيْنَ وَاَمَرَ بِهَا اَنْ تُؤَدِّى قَبْلَ خُرُوْجِ النَّاسِ مِنَ الصَّلاَةِ (رواه البخاري) <br /><br />Dari Ibnu ‘Umar ra berkata; Rasulullah SAW mewajibkan Zakāt al-Fitr kepada setiap budak, orang merdeka, Laki-laki, wanita, dan setiap Muslim yang tua dan muda sebanyak satu Sha` biji korma kering atau satu Sha` gandum. Beliau menyuruh kami untuk melaksanakannya sebelum shalat ‘Ied. [HR. Bukhare, Arabic/English, Jil.2, p. 339, no. 579] <br /><br />Kepala rumah tangga boleh membayar jumlah yang diperlukan sebagai zakat untuk anggota keluarganya. Abu Sa'id al-Khudriy berkata, Ketika Rasulullah Saw masih berada di tengah kami, kami mengeluarkan zakat fithrah itu untuk setiap anak kecil, orang dewasa, merdeka ataupun budak dengan satu sha’ makanan, satu sha’ keju, satu sha’ gandum, satu sha’ kurma atau satu sha’ anggur. [ HR. Muslim -Transl. jilid 2, p. 469, no. 2155] <br /><br />Setiap muslim baik tua maupun muda, laki-laki maupun perempuan, budak ataupun orang merdeka wajib mengeluarkan zakat bila ia mempunyai kelebihan makanan atau uang (harta) lebih dari keperluannya selama sehari semalam. Sehingga yang dikenai taklif (perintah mengeluarkan zakat) adalah orang yang mempunyai persediaan makanan atau uang yang lebih dari keperluannya pada hari itu. Termasuk di dalamnya orang miskin yang mempunyai makanan untuk dua hari atau yang mempunyai uang lebih dari belanja atas keperluan pokoknya selama sehari. Demikianlah ijtihad para Imam Mujtahidin, yaitu Malik, asy-Syafi’ie, Ahmad dan Ishaq. <br /><br />Pentingnya Zakāt al-Fithr <br />Peran penting yang dimainkan oleh Zakāt Māl dalam peredaran kekayaan bagi Masyarakat Islam adalah juga dimainkan oleh Zakāt al-Fitr. Bagaimanapun, di (dalam) kasus Shadaqah al-Fitr (Zakāt al-Fitr), masing-masing individu diminta untuk mengkalkulasi berapa banyak derma yang harus ia bayarkan untuk dirinya dan tanggungannya dan secara langsung mencari masyarakat yang berhak menerima zakat tersebut. Shadaqah al-Fitr memainkan suatu peran sangat penting dalam membangun solidaritas sosial. Yang kaya berhubungan langsung dengan yang miskin untuk membantunya. Sedangkan yang miskin membantu yang lebih miskin lagi darinya. Kontak yang terjadi antar berbagai tingkatan masyarakat ini membantu membangun ikatan persaudaraan yang riil dan cinta dalam Masyarakat Islam. Mereka yang mempunyai menjadi dermawan bagi mereka yang tidak punya. Sehingga kesenjangan sosial dapat dihindari sedini mungkin. <br /><br />Tujuan Zakāt al-Fithr <br />Tujuan utama Zakāt al-Fithr adalah sebagai tebusan bagi mereka yang berpuasa untuk mensucikan kesalahan-kesalahannya selama menjalankan ibadah puasa. Zakāt al-Fithr juga diperuntukkan kepada mereka kaum fakir-miskin agar mereka dapat merayakan 'Iedul-Fithri bersama dengan kaum Muslimin yang lain. <br /><br />عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ D قَالَ فَرَضَ رَسُوْلُ اللهِ B زَكَاةَ الْفِطْرِ طُهْرَةً لِلصَّائِمِ مِنَ اللَّغْوِ وَالرَّفَثِ وَ طُعْمَةً لِلْمَسَاكِينِ مَنْ أَدَّاهَا قَبْلَ الصَّلاَةِ فَهِيَ زَكَاةٌ مَقْبُوْلَـةٌ وَمَنْ أدَّاهَا بَعْدَ الصَّلاَةِ فَهِيَ صَدَقَةٌ مِنَ الصَّدَقَاتِ <br /><br />Ibn ‘Abbas meriwayatkan, Nabi shallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam mewajibkan Zakāt al-Fitr untuk membersihkan mereka yang berpuasa dari perbuatan yang sia-sia dan pembicaraan kotor (yang dilakukan selama Ramadaan) dan untuk memberi makan fakir miskin. Siapapun yang memberinya sebelum shalat 'ied akan diterima sebagai Zakat, sedangkan yang memberinya setelah selesai shalat 'Ied maka ia diterima sebagai Shadaqah. [ HR. Abu Dawood- Eng. transl. jilid 2, p. 421, no. 1605- dinilai Shahih oleh Shaikh Naser Al-Albanee] <br /><br />Tujuan Shadaqah al-Fitr adalah pengem-bangan rohani bagi orang-orang beriman. Dengan menyerahkan sebagian dari kekayaan mereka, Kaum Mu`min diajarkan karakteristik akhlak yang tinggi, yaitu kedermawanan, rasa kasihan (simpatik), dan rasa syukur kepada Allah. Islam juga tidak melalaikan keadilan bagi kebutuhan material bagi manusia, sehingga tujuan kedua dari Zakāt al-Fitr adalah terciptanya kesejahteraan ekonomi bagi anggota masyarakat yang lebih miskin. <br />Waktu Pelaksanaan Zakāt al-Fithri <br /><br />Zakāt al-Fithr hanya Wajib untuk periode waktu tertentu. Jika orang luput/ kehilangan waktu tanpa suatu alasan yang jelas, ia telah berdosa dan tidak bisa diganti. Bentuk derma ini menjadi wajib semenjak matahari terbenam pada hari yang terakhir dari puasa sampai permulaan shalat ‘Ied (yaitu tidak lama sesudah matahari terbit pada hari berikutnya). Bagaimanapun, zakat dapat dibayar sebelum periode yang tersebut di atas agar tidak terjadi keterlambatan pelaksanaannya, sebagaimana banyak dari Sahabat Rasulullah Sallallaahu ' alaihi wa sallam yang membayar Sadaqah al-Fitr beberapa hari sebelum shalat 'Ied. <br />Naafi’ melaporkan bahwa salah seorang sahabat Nabi yaitu Ibn `Umar pernah memberikan zakat bagi mereka yang akan menerimanya [beberapa hari sebelum ‘Ied] dan orang-orang (pada waktu itu) memberikan zakat satu atau dua hari sebelum `Ied. [HR. al-Bukhaaree- Arabic/English, Vol. 2, p.339, no. 579] <br />Ibn `Umar ra melaporkan bahwa Nabi Sallallaahu ' alaihi wa sallam berpesan bahwa Zakāt al-Fitr itu diberikan sebelum orang-orang pergi melaksanakan shalat 'Ied. <br /><br />Ibn `Abbaas ra meriwayatkan bahwa Nabi sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam bersabda: Siapapun yang memberi zakāt fithri sebelum shalat 'Ied maka itu diterima sebagai zakat, sedangkan siapa saja yang memberikannya setelah shalat maka itu diterima sebagai derma biasa (sedekah)”. Oleh karena itu, bagi orang yang lupa bayar Zakāt al-Fithr tepat pada waktunya perlu melakukannya secepat mungkin walaupun tidak terhitung sebagai Zakāt al-Fitr. <br /><br />Kepada Siapa Zakat Fithri dibagikan ? <br />Yang berhak menerima zakat fithrah itu, sama halnya dengan yang berhak menerima zakat. Zakat Fithrah hendaklah dibagikan kepada delapan golongan sebagaimana yang tercantum dalam surat at-Taubah ayat 60. <br />Ash-Shan’aniy berkata: “Zakat Fithri diberikan kepada mereka yang diberikan kepadanya zakat maal (zakat harta). Sabda Nabi: “Zakat Fithri itu makanan bagi orang-orang miskin”, dalam hadits Ibnu Abbas tidak berarti zakat fithri itu tidak boleh dibagi kepada delapan golongan. <br /><br />Macam Zakat dan Kadarnya <br />Jumlah Zakat yang harus dibayarkan sama untuk setiap orang dengan mengabaikan pendapatan yang berbeda. Antara orang yang gajinya 100.000 per-bulan dengan yang gajinya 1.000.000 per-bulan tidak berbeda dalam jumlah zakat yang harus dikeluarkannya yaitu satu Sha` (3 ½ liter) makanan, padi/ beras atau buah-buahan yang kering untuk setiap anggota keluarga. Perhitungan ini didasarkan pada riwayat Ibn Umar ra bahwa Nabi Sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam mewajibkan Zakat Fithrah dengan 1 sha` kurma kering atau 1 sha` gandum. <br />Sahabat Abu Sa'ied al-Khudree berkata, Pada zaman Nabi, kita dulu memberi Zakāt al-Fitr dengan satu sha` makanan pokok, kurma kering, jewawut (gandum), kismis atau keju kering. [HR. al-Bukhari- Arabic/English vol. 2, p. 340, no. 582] <br /><br />Dari hadits-hadits yang telah disebutkan, nyatalah bahwa yang dikeluarkan untuk zakat fithri adalah makanan yang mengenyangkan atau makanan pokok. Tidak dibolehkan selain dari makanan pokok. Hal ini karena objek tujuan zakat fithri adalah orang yang paling miskin (faqir), yang tidak mempunyai perse-diaan makanan untuk hari itu. Inilah ijtihad Imam Ahmad, Syafi’iy dan Imam Malik. Namun hal ini tidak menutup kemungkinan makanan pokok itu diganti dengan uang atau benda bermanfa’at lainnya bila tidak ada orang faqir di wilayah kita. Hal ini berdasarkan Atsar Sahabat ‘Umar bin Abdul Aziz yang mengganti gandum dengan kain-kain atau baju. Kata beliau “Berikanlah kepadaku Khamies dan Labiis (dua macam pakaian) untuk pengganti gandum dan jagung. Khamis dan Labiis lebih mudah bagimu dan lebih bermanfa’at bagi Muhajirien dan Anshar di Madinah”. (HR. Bukhari) <br /><br /><br />[Kontributor : Fakhrurrazi, 16 Desember 2004 ] <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> ©copyleft 2001-2006 Perpustakaan-Islam.Com Powered by eNdonesia 8.3animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-50350436035122814522010-08-30T20:17:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:18:12.047-07:00silaturahm iSilaturrahmi <br />Posted by admin <br />16/12/2004 2952 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Silaturrahmi merupakan salah satu ajaran dalam Islam akan tetapi masih banyak yang belum memahami hakikat dan faidah-faidah silaturahmi. Artikel ini mengupas pengertian, faidah dan tips dalam mempererat silaturahmi <br /> <br /> <br />Shilah artinya Hubungan atau menghubungkan sedangkan ar-Rahm berasal dari Rahima-Yarhamu-Rahmun/ Rahmatan yang berarti lembut dan kasih sayang. Taraahamal-Qaumu artinya kaum itu saling berkasih sayang. Taraahama 'Alayhi berarti mendo'akan seseorang agar mendapat rahmat. Sehingga dengan pengertian ini seseorang dikatakan telah menjalin silaturrahmi apabila ia telah menjalin hubungan kasih sayang dalam kebaikan bukan dalam dosa dan kema'siatan. <br /><br />Selain itu kata ar-Rahm atau ar-Rahim juga mempunyai arti peranakan (rahim) atau kekerabatan yang masih ada pertalian darah (persaudaraan). Inilah keunikan Bahasa Arab, Satu kata saja sudah dapat menjelaskan definisinya sendiri tanpa bantuan kata-kata lain. Dengan demikian Shilaturrahmi atau Shilaturrahim secara bahasa adalah menjalin hubungan kasih sayang dengan saudara dan kerabat yang masih ada hubungan darah (senasab). Seseorang tidak dapat dikatakan menjalin hubungan silaturrahmi bila ia berkasih sayang dengan orang lain sementara saudara dan kerabatnya dia jadikan musuh. Islam dalam hal ini mengajarkan kepada kita tentang skala prioritas, yaitu dahulukanlah keluarga dan kaum kerabatmu baru kemudian orang lain. Hubungan baik dengan orang lain jangan sampai merusak hubungan kekeluargaan. Hubungan kasih sayang dengan istri jangan sampai merusak hubungan kita dengan orang tua dan saudara. <br /><br />Peliharalah Tali Silaturrahmi, maksudnya peliharalah hubungan kekeluargaan kamu. Jangan sampai kamu lupa dengan nasab kamu, orang tua kamu, saudara-saudara kamu dan kerabat-kerabat kamu. Setelah itu baru peliharalah hubungan kasih sayang dengan orang-orang mu`min sebagaimana dengan saudara sendiri. <br />Anjuran menjalin Silaturrahmi adalah anjuran untuk tidak melupakan nasab dan hubungan kekerabatan. Satu-satunya bangsa yang paling hebat dalam menjalankan silaturrahmi adalah bangsa Arab. Mengapa? Karena mereka tidak lupa nenek moyang mereka. Makanya mereka selalu mengaitkan nama mereka dengan bapak, dan kakek-kakek mereka ke atas. Oleh karena itu dalam nama mereka pasti ada istilah bin atau Ibnu yang artinya anak. <br />Nabi kita Muhammad Saw mengetahui nasabnya sampai beberapa generasi sebelumnya. Nasab beliau adalah Muhammad bin 'Abdullah bin 'Abdul-Muthalib bin Hasyim bin Abdul- Manaf bin Qushay bin Kilab bin Murrah bin Ka'ab bin Luay bin Ghalib bin Fihr bin Malik bin Nadhar bin Kinanah bin Khuzaimah bin Mudrikah bin Ilyas bin Mudhar bin Nizar bin Ma'ad bin Adnan. <br />Bukan hanya Nabi yang seperti itu, hampir seluruh orang-orang Arab mengetahui nasabnya masing-masing sampai beberapa generasi sebelumnya. Hubungan kekeluargaan dan persaudaraan diantara mereka sangat kuat. Allah menjadikan mereka sebagai contoh untuk diteladani. Lalu bagaimana dengan bangsa-bangsa lain dan bangsa kita yang kebanyakan mengetahui hanya sampai kakek dan buyut. Akibat pengetahuan nasab yang terbatas ini maka efeknya sangat memprihatinkan. Diantaranya tidak mengetahui saudaranya yang jauh, menganggap bahwa dirinya tidak punya saudara, tidak mendapat bantuan dan pertolongan bila dirinya mengalami kesengsaraan, tidak punya tempat untuk mengadu dan meminta pertolongan kecuali orang lain. Akhirnya ujung-ujungnya timbullah kemiskinan, anak gelandangan, dan lain sebagainya. Padahal seandainya mereka mengetahui nasab mereka siapa tahu bahwa direktur perusahaan disamping gubuknya adalah saudaranya dari buyut kakeknya. <br />Inilah salah satu hikmah perintah bersilaturrahmi. Bersilaturrahmi atau menjalin hubungan kasih sayang yang kuat diantara saudara dan keluarga pihak kakek dan nenek ke atas. Kalau bisa kita menghafalnya sebagaimana bangsa Arab menghafal nasab-nasab mereka baik dari pihak bapak maupun dari pihak ibu. <br />Allah dalam al-Qur`an secara spesifik memerintahkan umat Islam untuk menjalin silaturrahmi/ silaturrahim; <br /><br />يَاأيّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوْا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِيْ خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَ بَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيْرًا وَ نِسَآءً وَاتَّقُوْا اللهَ الًّذِيْ تَسَآءَلُوْنَ بِهِ وَ الأرْحَامَ إنَّ اللهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيْـبًا (النساء : 1) <br /><br />Hai sekalian manusia, bertakwalah kepada Tuhan-mu yang telah menciptakan kamu dari diri yang satu, dan daripadanya Allah menciptakan isterinya; dan daripada keduanya Allah memperkembang biakkan laki-laki dan perempuan yang banyak. Dan bertakwalah kepada Allah yang dengan (mempergunakan) nama-Nya kamu saling meminta satu sama lain, dan (peliharalah) hubungan silaturrahim. Sesungguhnya Allah selalu menjaga dan mengawasi kamu (an-Nisa`:1) <br /><br />Dari Miqdam ra bahwasanya Rasulullah Saw bersabda: <br /><br />إنَّ اللهَ يُوْصِيْكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إنَّ اللهَ يُوْصِيْكُمْ بِأبآئِكُمْ إنَّ اللهَ يُوْصِيْكُمْ بِالْأَقْرَبِ فَالْأقْرَبِ <br /><br />Sesungguhnya Allah berwasiat agar kalian berbuat baik kepada ibu-ibumu, sesungguhnya Allah berwasiat agar berbuat baik kepada bapak-bapakmu dan sesungguhnya Allah berwasiat kepada kamu agar berbuat baik kepada sanak kerabatmu (Silsilah Hadits Shahih; al-Albani) <br /><br />Menyambung hubungan kekerabatan adalah wajib dan memutuskannya merupakan dosa besar. Dari Jubair bin Muth'im bahwa Nabi Saw bersabda: <br /><br />لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعُ رَحْمٍ (متفق عليه) <br />Tidak akan masuk surga orang yang memutuskan hubungan persaudaraan (Muttafaq 'Alaih) <br /><br />Silaturrahmi tidak hanya bagi saudara sedarah (senasab) tapi juga saudara seiman. Allah Swt memerintahkan agar kita menyambung hubungan baik dengan orang tua, saudara, kaum kerabat, dan orang-orang mu`min yang lain. Namun dalam hubungan silaturrahmi yang diutamakan adalah sanak famili yang masih ada hubungan darah (senasab) baru kemudian orang-orang beriman yang tidak ada hubungan darah dengan kita. Karena mereka-lah yang lebih dekat hubungannya dengan kita. <br /><br />Begitu juga apabila kita meminta bantuan maka yang lebih layak kita minta adalah sanak famili kita, baru kemudian orang lain. Karena mereka dan kita sama-sama punya hak dan kewajiban untuk saling tolong-menolong. <br />Di dalam Islam anjuran berinfak ditujukan kepada kaum kerabat kita yang miskin dulu baru kepada orang lain. Allah berfirman : <br /><br />... وَ أُوْلُوْا الأرْحَامِ بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلَى بِبَعْضٍ فِيْ كِتَابِ اللهِ مِنَ المُؤْمِنِيْنَ وَ الْمُهَاجِرِيْنَ إلاَّ أنْ تَفْعَلُوْآ إلَى أوْلِيَآئِكُمْ مَّعْرُوْفًا ... (الأحزاب : 6) <br /><br />... Dan orang-orang yang mempunyai hubungan darah satu sama lain lebih berhak (waris mewarisi) menurut Kitab Allah daripada orang-orang Mukmin (lain) dan orang-orang Muhajirin, kecuali kalau kamu mau berbuat baik kepada mereka (saudaramu seiman)… (al-Ahzab: 6) <br /><br />Apabila manusia memutuskan apa-apa yang diperintahkan oleh Allah untuk dihubungkan. Maka ikatan sosial masyarakat akan hancur berantakan, kerusakan menyebar di setiap tempat, permusuhan terjadi dimana-mana, sifat egoisme muncul kepermukaan. Sehingga setiap individu masyarakat menjalani hidup tanpa petunjuk, seorang tetangga tidak mengetahui hak tetangganya, seorang faqir merasakan penderitaan dan kelaparan sendirian karena tidak ada yang peduli. <br />Dan jangan sampai kita memutuskan tali silaturrahmi hanya karena gara-gara pekerjaan dan jabatan. Silaturrahmi lebih tinggi nilainya dari itu semua. Allah berfirman : <br /><br />فَهَلْ عَسَيْتُمْ إنْ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ أنْ تُفْسِدُوْا فِي الأرْضِ وَتُقَطَِعُوْآ أرْحَامَكُمْ (محمد: 22) <br /><br />Maka apakah kiranya jika kamu berkuasa kamu akan membuat kerusakan di muka bumi dan memutuskan hubungan kekeluargaan (silaturrahim) ? (QS. Muhammad: 22) <br /><br />Kiat-Kiat Mempererat Hubungan Silaturrahmi <br /><br />1. Mendahulukan Sanak-Famili yang terdekat dalam segala kebaikan, terutama orang tua. Orang tua adalah kerabat terdekat yang mempunyai jasa tidak terhingga dan kasih sayang yang besar sehingga seorang anak wajib mencintai, menghormati dan berbuat baik kepada kedua orang tuanya walaupun keduanya musyrik. Kedua orangtuanya berhak mendapat perlakuan baik di dunia namun bukan mengikuti kesyirikannya. Apabila mereka faqir maka kewajiban kitalah yang membantunya pertama kali. Kemudian saudara-saudara kita seperti paman dan bibi baru setelah itu orang lain yang seiman. Sebagaimana yang diriwayatkan oleh Abu Hurairah ra dari Nabi Saw : <br /><br />أَمَّا شَعُرْتَ أَنَّ عَمَّ الرَّجُلِ صَنُوْ أبِيْهِ <br /><br />Apakah kamu tidak sadar bahwa paman seseorang adalah saudara bapaknya. <br /><br />2. Mengingat Kebaikan Sanak-Famili kita, tanpanya mungkin kita tidak akan berarti. <br /><br />3. Menghafal Nasab dan seluruh nama-nama saudara kita, dari mulai kakek dan nenek ke atas sampai kepada keturunan-keturunan mereka. Untuk hal ini sebaiknya kita membuat diagram silsilah keluarga agar dapat diingat oleh generasi berikutnya supaya mereka tetap melanjutkan tali silaturrahmi setelah kita tiada (meninggal). <br /><br />4. Jangan menyakiti, menzhalimi dan berbuat buruk kepada sanak-famili kita. Sebaiknya kita-lah yang menjadi solusi untuk memecahkan segala permasalahan mereka. <br /><br />Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang selalu menjaga tali silaturrahmi akan diberkahi oleh Allah dalam usahanya, rizki dan umurnya. Dari Anas bin Malik berkata bahwa Rasulullah Saw bersabda : <br /><br />مَنْ أحَبَّ أنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ فِي رِزْقِهِ وَ يُنْسَأ لَهُ فِي أثَرِهِ فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَه (متفق عليه) <br /><br />Barangsiapa yang senang diluaskan rizkinya dan dipanjangkan umurnya (diberkahi), maka hendaklah ia bersilaturrahmi (Muttafaq 'Alaih)animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-7075702875787607322010-08-30T20:16:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:17:29.989-07:00hal istri dan poligamiHak-Hak Istri dalam Poligami <br />Posted by admin <br />13/06/2005 4469 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Poligami merupakan syariat Islam yang akan berlaku sepanjang zaman hingga hari akhir. Poligami diperbolehkan dengan syarat sang suami memiliki kemampuan untuk adil diantara para istri, sebagaimana pada ayat yang artinya: <br /><br />“Dan jika kamu takut tidak akan dapat berlaku adil terhadap (hak-hak) perempuan yatim (bilamana kamu mengawininya), maka kawinilah wanita-wanita (lain) yang kamu senangi: dua, tiga, atau empat. Kemudian jika kamu takut tidak akan dapat berlaku adil, maka (kawinilah) seorang saja, atau budak-budak yang kamu miliki. Yang demikian itu adalah lebih dekat kepada tidak berbuat aniaya.” <br /> <br /> <br />Poligami merupakan syariat Islam yang akan berlaku sepanjang zaman hingga hari akhir. Poligami diperbolehkan dengan syarat sang suami memiliki kemampuan untuk adil diantara para istri, sebagaimana pada ayat yang artinya: <br /><br />“Dan jika kamu takut tidak akan dapat berlaku adil terhadap (hak-hak) perempuan yatim (bilamana kamu mengawininya), maka kawinilah wanita-wanita (lain) yang kamu senangi: dua, tiga, atau empat. Kemudian jika kamu takut tidak akan dapat berlaku adil, maka (kawinilah) seorang saja, atau budak-budak yang kamu miliki. Yang demikian itu adalah lebih dekat kepada tidak berbuat aniaya.” <br /><br />Berlaku adil dalam bermuamalah dengan istri-istrinya, yaitu dengan memberikan kepada masing-masing istri hak-haknya. Adil disini lawan dari curang, yaitu memberikan kepada seseorang kekurangan hak yang dipunyainya dan mengambil dari yang lain kelebihan hak yang dimilikinya. Jadi adil dapat diartikan persamaan. Berdasarkan hal ini maka adil antar para istri adalah menyamakan hak yang ada pada para istri dalam perkara-perkara yang memungkinkan untuk disamakan di dalamnya. <br /><br />Adil adalah memberikan sesuatu kepada seseorang sesuai dengan haknya. <br />Apa saja hak seorang istri di dalam poligami? <br /><br />Diantara hak setiap istri dalam poligami adalah sebagai berikut: <br /><br />A. Memiliki rumah sendiri <br /><br />Setiap istri memiliki hak untuk mempunyai rumah sendiri. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala berfirman dalam surat Al Ahzab ayat 33, yang artinya, “Menetaplah kalian (wahai istri-istri Nabi) di rumah-rumah kalian.” Dalam ayat ini Allah Azza wa Jalla menyebutkan rumah Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam dalam bentuk jamak, sehingga dapat dipahami bahwa rumah beliau tidak hanya satu. <br /><br />Dalam hadits yang diriwayatkan oleh Bukhari, Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha menceritakan bahwa ketika Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam sakit menjelang wafatnya, beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam bertanya, “Dimana aku besok? Di rumah siapa?’ Beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam menginginkan di tempat Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha, oleh karena itu istri-istri beliau mengizinkan beliau untuk dirawat di mana saja beliau menginginkannya, maka beliau dirawat di rumah Aisyah sampai beliau wafat di sisi Aisyah. Beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam meninggal di hari giliran Aisyah. Allah mencabut ruh beliau dalam keadaan kepada beliau bersandar di dada Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha. <br /><br />Ibnu Qudamah rahimahullah menjelaskan dalam kitab Al Mughni bahwasanya tidak pantas seorang suami mengumpulkan dua orang istri dalam satu rumah tanpa ridha dari keduanya. Hal ini dikarenakan dapat menjadikan penyebab kecemburuan dan permusuhan di antara keduanya. Masing-masing istri dimungkinkan untuk mendengar desahan suami yang sedang menggauli istrinya, atau bahkan melihatnya. Namun jika para istri ridha apabila mereka dikumpulkan dalam satu rumah, maka tidaklah mereka. Bahkan jika keduanya ridha jika suami mereka tidur diantara kedua istrinya dalam satu selimut tidak mengapa. Namun seorang suami tidaklah boleh menggauli istri yang satu di hadapan istri yang lainnya meskipun ada keridhaan diantara keduanya. <br /><br />Tidak boleh mengumpulkan para istri dalam satu rumah kecuali dengan ridha mereka juga merupakan pendapat dari Imam Qurthubi di dalam tafsirnya dan Imam Nawawi dalam Al Majmu Syarh Muhadzdzab. <br /><br /><br />B. Menyamakan para istri dalam masalah giliran <br /><br />Setiap istri harus mendapat jatah giliran yang sama. Imam Muslim meriwayatkan hadits yang artinya Anas bin Malik menyatakan bahwa Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam memiliki 9 istri. Kebiasaan beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam bila menggilir istri-istrinya, beliau mengunjungi semua istrinya dan baru behenti (berakhir) di rumah istri yang mendapat giliran saat itu. <br /><br />Ketika dalam bepergian, jika seorang suami akan mengajak salah seorang istrinya, maka dilakukan undian untuk menentukan siapa yang akan ikut serta dalam perjalanan. Imam Bukhari meriwayatkan bahwa Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha menyatakan bahwa apabila Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam hendak safar, beliau mengundi di antara para istrinya, siapa yang akan beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam sertakan dalam safarnya. Beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam biasa menggilir setiap istrinya pada hari dan malamnya, kecuali Saudah bintu Zam’ah karena jatahnya telah diberikan kepada Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha. <br /><br />Imam Ibnul Qoyyim menjelaskan bahwa seorang suami diperbolehkan untuk masuk ke rumah semua istrinya pada hari giliran salah seorang dari mereka, namun suami tidak boleh menggauli istri yang bukan waktu gilirannya. <br /><br />Seorang istri yang sedang sakit maupun haid tetap mendapat jatah giliran sebagaimana yang dilakukan oleh Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam sebagaimana yang diriwayatkan oleh Imam Bukhari dan Muslim, bahwa Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha menyatakan bahwa jika Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam ingin bermesraan dengan istrinya namun saat itu istri Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam sedang haid, beliau memerintahkan untuk menutupi bagian sekitar kemaluannya. <br /><br />Syaikh Abdurrahman Nashir As Sa’dy rahimahullah, ulama besar dari Saudi Arabia, pernah ditanya apakah seorang istri yang haid atau nifas berhak mendapat pembagian giliran atau tidak. Beliau rahimahullah menyatakan bahwa pendapat yang benar adalah bagi istri yang haid berhak mendapat giliran dan bagi istri yang sedang nifas tidak berhak mendapat giliran. Karena itulah yang berlaku dalam adat kebiasaan dan kebanyakan wanita di saat nifas sangat senang bila tidak mendapat giliran dari suaminya. <br /><br /><br />C. Tidak boleh keluar dari rumah istri yang mendapat giliran menuju rumah yang lain <br /><br />Seorang suami tidak boleh keluar untuk menuju rumah istri yang lain yang bukan gilirannya pada malam hari kecuali keadaan darurat. Larangan ini disimpulkan dari hadits yang diriwayatkan oleh Imam Muslim yang menceritakan bahwa ketika Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam di rumah Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha, tidak lama setelah beliau berbaring, beliau bangkit dan keluar rumah menuju kuburan Baqi sebagaimana diperintahkan oleh Jibril alaihi wa sallam. Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha kemudian mengikuti beliau karena menduga bahwa Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam akan pergi ke rumah istri yang lain. Ketika Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam pulang dan mendapatkan Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha dalam keadaan terengah-engah, beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam bertanya kepada Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha, “Apakah Engkau menyangka Allah dan Rasul-Nya akan berbuat tidak adil kepadamu?” <br /><br />Imam Ibnu Qudamah Rahimahullah menyatakan tidak dibolehkannya masuk rumah istri yang lain di malam hari kecuali darurat, misalnya si istri sedang sakit. Jika suami menginap di rumah istri yang bukan gilirannya tersebut, maka dia harus mengganti hak istri yang gilirannya diambil malam itu. Apabila tidak menginap, maka tidak perlu menggantinya. <br /><br />Syaikh Abdurrahman Nashir As Sa’dy rahimahullah pernah ditanya tentang hukum menginap di rumah salah satu dari istrinya yang tidak pada waktu gilirannya. <br /><br />Beliau rahimahullah menjawab bahwa dalam hal tersebut dikembalikan kepada ‘urf, yaitu kebiasaan yang dianggap wajar oleh daerah setempat. Jika mendatangi salah satu istri tidak pada waktu gilirannya, baik waktu siang atau malam tidak dianggap suatu kezaliman dan ketidakadilan, maka hal tersebut tidak apa-apa. Dalam hal tersebut, urf sebagai penentu karena masalah tersebut tidak ada dalilnya. <br /><br /><br />D. Batasan Malam Pertama Setelah Pernikahan <br /><br />Imam Bukhari meriwayatkan dari Anas Radhiyallahu 'Anhu bahwa termasuk sunnah bila seseorang menikah dengan gadis, suami menginap selama tujuh hari, jika menikah dengan janda, ia menginap selama tiga hari. Setelah itu barulah ia menggilir istri-istri yang lain. <br /><br />Dalam hadits riwayat Muslim disebutkan bahwa Ummu Salamah Radhiyallahu 'Anha mengkhabarkan bahwa ketika Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam menikahinya, beliau menginap bersamanya selama tiga hari dan beliau bersabda kepada Ummu Salamah, “Hal ini aku lakukan bukan sebagai penghinaan kepada keluargamu. Bila memang engkau mau, aku akan menginap bersamamu selama tujuh hari, namun aku pun akan menggilir istri-istriku yang lain selama tujuh hari.” <br /><br /><br />E. Wajib menyamakan nafkah <br /><br />Setiap istri memiliki hak untuk mempunyai rumah sendiri-sendiri, hal ini berkonsekuensi bahwa mereka makan sendiri-sendiri, namun bila istri-istri tersebut ingin berkumpul untuk makan bersama dengan keridhaan mereka maka tidak apa-apa. <br /><br />Ibnu Taimiyah menyatakan bahwa bersikap adil dalam nafkah dan pakaian menurut pendapat yang kuat, merupakan suatu kewajiban bagi seorang suami. <br /><br />Imam Ahmad meriwayatkan bahwa Anas bin Malik Radhiyallahu 'Anhu mengabarkan bahwa Ummu Sulaim mengutusnya menemui Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam dengan membawa kurma sebagai hadiah untuk beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam. Kemudian kurma tersebut untuk dibagi-bagikan kepada istri-istri beliau segenggam-segenggam. <br /><br />Bahkan ada keterangan yang dibawakan oleh Jarir bahwa ada seseorang yang berpoligami menyamakan nafkah untuk istri-istrinya sampai-sampai makanan atau gandum yang tidak bisa ditakar / ditimbang karena terlalu sedikit, beliau tetap membaginya tangan pertangan. <br /><br /><br />F. Undian ketika safar <br />Bila seorang suami hendak melakukan safar dan tidak membawa semua istrinya, maka ia harus mengundi untuk menentukan siapa yang akan menyertainya dalam safar tersebut. <br /><br />Imam Bukhari rahimahullah meriwayatkan bahwa kebiasaan Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam bila hendak safar, beliau mengundi di antara para istrinya, siapa yang akan diajak dalam safar tersebut. <br /><br />Imam Ibnu Qudamah menyatakan bahwa seoarang yang safar dan membawa semua istrinya atau menginggalkan semua istrinya, maka tidak memerlukan undian. <br /><br />Jika suami membawa lebih dari satu istrinya, maka ia harus menyamakan giliran sebagaimana ia menyamakan diantara mereka ketika tidak dalam keadaan safar. <br /><br /><br />G. Tidak wajib menyamakan cinta dan jima’ di antara para istri <br /><br />Seorang suami tidak dibebankan kewajiban untuk menyamakan cinta dan jima’ di antara para istrinya. Yang wajib bagi dia memberikan giliran kepada istri-istrinya secara adil. <br /><br />Ayat “Dan kamu sekali-kali tiadak dapat berlaku adil di antara isteri-isteri (mu), walaupun kamu sangat ingin demikian” ditafsirkan oleh Ibnu Katsir rahimahullah bahwa manusia tidak akan sanggup bersikap adil di antara istri-istri dari seluruh segi. Sekalipun pembagian malam demi malam dapat terjadi, akan tetapi tetap saja ada perbedaan dalam rasa cinta, syahwat, dan jima’. <br /><br />Ayat ini turun pada Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha. Nabi Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam sangat mencintainya melebihi istri-istri yang lain. Beliau Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam berkata, “Ya Allah inilah pembagianku yang aku mampu, maka janganlah engkaucela aku pada apa yang Engkau miliki dan tidak aku miliki, yaitu hati.” <br /><br />Muhammad bin Sirrin pernah menanyakan ayat tersebut kepada Ubaidah, dan dijawab bahwa maksud surat An Nisaa’ ayat 29 tersebut dalam masalah cinta dan bersetubuh. Abu Bakar bin Arabiy menyatakan bahwa adil dalam masalah cinta diluar kesanggupan seseorang. Cinta merupakan anugerah dari Allah dan berada dalam tangan-Nya, begitu juga dengan bersetubuh, terkadang bergairah dengan istri yang satu namun terkadang tidak. Hal ini diperbolehkan asal bukan disengaja, sebab berada diluar kemampuan seseorang. <br /><br />Ibnul Qoyyim rahimahullah menyatakan bahwa tidak wajib bagi suami untuk menyamakan cinta diantara istri-istrinya, karena cinta merupakan perkara yang tidak dapat dikuasai. Aisyah Radhiyallahu 'Anha merupakan istri yang paling dicintai Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam. Dari sini dapat diambil pemahaman bahwa suami tidak wajib menyamakan para istri dalam masalah jima’ karena jima’ terjadi karena adanya cinta dan kecondongan. Dan perkara cinta berada di tangan Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, Zat yang membolak-balikkan hati. Jika seorang suami meninggalkan jima’ karena tidak adanya pendorong ke arah sana, maka suami tersebut dimaafkan. Menurut Imam Ibnu Qudamah rahimahullah, bila dimungkinkan untuk menyamakan dalam masalah jima, maka hal tersebut lebih baik, utama, dan lebih mendekati sikap adil. <br /><br />Penulis Fiqh Sunnah menyarankan; meskipun demikian, hendaknya seoarang suami memenuhi kebutuhan jima istrinya sesuai kadar kemampuannya. <br /><br />Imam al Jashshaash rahimahullah dalam Ahkam Al Qur’an menyatakan bahwa, “Dijadikan sebagian hak istri adalah menyembunyikan perasaan lebih mencintai salah satu istri terhadap istri yang lain.” <br /><br /><br />Saran <br /><br />Seorang suami yang hendak melakukan poligami hendaknya melihat kemampuan pada dirinya sendiri, jangan sampai pahala yang dinginkan ketika melakukan poligami malah berbalik dengan dosa dan kerugian. Dalam sebuah hadits disebutkan (yang artinya) “Barangsiapa yang mempunyai dua istri, lalu ia lebih condong kepada salah satunya dibandingkan dengan yang lain, maka pada hari Kiamat akan datang dalam keadaan salah satu pundaknya lumpuh miring sebelah.” (HR. Lima) <br /><br />Allahu A’lam; Semoga bermanfaatanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-16873923046711964112010-08-30T20:15:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:16:43.593-07:00janji Alloh kpada orang yang menikhJanji Allah Bagi Orang Yang Akan Menikah <br />Posted by admin <br />25/06/2005 7146 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Ketika seorang muslim baik pria atau wanita akan menikah, biasanya akan timbul perasaan yang bermacam-macam. Ada rasa gundah, resah, risau, bimbang, termasuk juga tidak sabar menunggu datangnya sang pendamping, dll. Bahkan ketika dalam proses taaruf sekalipun masih ada juga perasaan keraguan. <br /><br />Berikut ini sekelumit apa yang bisa saya hadirkan kepada pembaca agar dapat meredam perasaan negatif dan semoga mendatangkan optimisme dalam mencari teman hidup. <br /> <br /> <br /> <br />Ketika seorang muslim baik pria atau wanita akan menikah, biasanya akan timbul perasaan yang bermacam-macam. Ada rasa gundah, resah, risau, bimbang, termasuk juga tidak sabar menunggu datangnya sang pendamping, dll. Bahkan ketika dalam proses taaruf sekalipun masih ada juga perasaan keraguan. <br /><br />Berikut ini sekelumit apa yang bisa saya hadirkan kepada pembaca agar dapat meredam perasaan negatif dan semoga mendatangkan optimisme dalam mencari teman hidup. Semoga bermanfaat buat saya pribadi dan kaum muslimin semuanya. Saya memohon kepada Allah semoga usaha saya ini mendatangkan pahala yang tiada putus bagi saya. <br /><br />Inilah kabar gembira berupa janji Allah bagi orang yang akan menikah. Bergembiralah wahai saudaraku… <br /><br />1. “Wanita-wanita yang keji adalah untuk laki-laki yang keji, dan laki-laki yang keji adalah buat wanita-wanita yang keji (pula), dan wanita-wanita yang baik adalah untuk laki-laki yang baik dan laki-laki yang baik adalah untuk wanita-wanita yang baik (pula)”. (An Nuur : 26) <br />Bila ingin mendapatkan jodoh yang baik, maka perbaikilah diri. Hiduplah sesuai ajaran Islam dan Sunnah Nabi-Nya. Jadilah laki-laki yang sholeh, jadilah wanita yang sholehah. Semoga Allah memberikan hanya yang baik buat kita. Amin. <br /><br />2. “Dan kawinkanlah orang-orang yang sendirian diantara kamu dan orang-orang yang layak (berkawin) dari hamba-hamba sahayamu yang laki-laki dan perempuan. Jika mereka miskin, Allah akan memampukan mereka dengan karunia-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Luas (Pemberian-Nya) lagi Maha Mengetahui”. (An Nuur: 32) <br /><br />Sebagian para pemuda ada yang merasa bingung dan bimbang ketika akan menikah. Salah satu sebabnya adalah karena belum punya pekerjaan. Dan anehnya ketika para pemuda telah mempunyai pekerjaan pun tetap ada perasaan bimbang juga. Sebagian mereka tetap ragu dengan besaran rupiah yang mereka dapatkan dari gajinya. Dalam pikiran mereka terbesit, “apa cukup untuk berkeluarga dengan gaji sekian?”. <br /><br />Ayat tersebut merupakan jawaban buat mereka yang ragu untuk melangkah ke jenjang pernikahan karena alasan ekonomi. Yang perlu ditekankan kepada para pemuda dalam masalah ini adalah kesanggupan untuk memberi nafkah, dan terus bekerja mencari nafkah memenuhi kebutuhan keluarga. Bukan besaran rupiah yang sekarang mereka dapatkan. Nantinya Allah akan menolong mereka yang menikah. Allah Maha Adil, bila tanggung jawab para pemuda bertambah – dengan kewajiban menafkahi istri-istri dan anak-anaknya, maka Allah akan memberikan rejeki yang lebih. Tidakkah kita lihat kenyataan di masyarakat, banyak mereka yang semula miskin tidak punya apa-apa ketika menikah, kemudian Allah memberinya rejeki yang berlimpah dan mencukupkan kebutuhannya? <br /><br />3. “Ada tiga golongan manusia yang berhak Allah tolong mereka, yaitu seorang mujahid fi sabilillah, seorang hamba yang menebus dirinya supaya merdeka dan seorang yang menikah karena ingin memelihara kehormatannya”. (HR. Ahmad 2: 251, Nasaiy, Tirmidzi, Ibnu Majah hadits no. 2518, dan Hakim 2: 160) [1] <br /><br />Bagi siapa saja yang menikah dengan niat menjaga kesucian dirinya, maka berhak mendapatkan pertolongan dari Allah berdasarkan penegasan Rasulullah Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam dalam hadits ini. Dan pertolongan Allah itu pasti datang. <br /><br />4. “Dan diantara tanda-tanda kekuasaan-Nya ialah Dia menciptakan untukmu istri-istri dari jenismu sendiri, supaya kamu cenderung dan merasa tentram kepadanya, dan dijadikan-Nya diantaramu rasa kasih dan sayang. Sesungguhnya pada yang demikian itu benar-benar terdapat tanda-tanda bagi kaum yang berfikir”. (Ar Ruum : 21) <br /><br />5. “Dan Tuhanmu berfirman : ‘Berdoalah kepada-Ku, niscaya akan Kuperkenankan bagimu. Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang menyombongkan diri dari menyembah-Ku akan masuk neraka Jahannam dalam keadaan hina dina’ ”. (Al Mu’min : 60) <br /><br />Ini juga janji Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla, bila kita berdoa kepada Allah niscaya akan diperkenankan-Nya. Termasuk di dalamnya ketika kita berdoa memohon diberikan pendamping hidup yang agamanya baik, cantik, penurut, dan seterusnya. <br /><br />Dalam berdoa perhatikan adab dan sebab terkabulnya doa. Diantaranya adalah ikhlash, bersungguh-sungguh, merendahkan diri, menghadap kiblat, mengangkat kedua tangan, dll. [2] <br /><br />Perhatikan juga waktu-waktu yang mustajab dalam berdoa. Diantaranya adalah berdoa pada waktu sepertiga malam yang terakhir dimana Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla turun ke langit dunia [3], pada waktu antara adzan dan iqamah, pada waktu turun hujan, dll. [4] <br /><br />Perhatikan juga penghalang terkabulnya doa. Diantaranya adalah makan dan minum dari yang haram, juga makan, minum dan berpakaian dari usaha yang haram, melakukan apa yang diharamkan Allah, dan lain-lain. [5] <br /><br />Manfaat lain dari berdoa berarti kita meyakini keberadaan Allah, mengakui bahwa Allah itu tempat meminta, mengakui bahwa Allah Maha Kaya, mengakui bahwa Allah Maha Mendengar, dst. <br /><br />Sebagian orang ketika jodohnya tidak kunjung datang maka mereka pergi ke dukun-dukun berharap agar jodohnya lancar. Sebagian orang ada juga yang menggunakan guna-guna. Cara-cara seperti ini jelas dilarang oleh Islam. Perhatikan hadits-hadits berikut yang merupakan peringatan keras dari Rasulullah Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam: <br /><br />“Barang siapa yang mendatangi peramal / dukun, lalu ia menanyakan sesuatu kepadanya, maka tidak diterima shalatnya selama empat puluh malam”. (Hadits shahih riwayat Muslim (7/37) dan Ahmad). [6] <br /><br />Telah bersabda Rasulullah shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, “Maka janganlah kamu mendatangi dukun-dukun itu.” (Shahih riwayat Muslim juz 7 hal. 35). [7] <br /><br />Telah bersabda Nabi shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, “Sesungguhnya jampi-jampi (mantera) dan jimat-jimat dan guna-guna (pelet) itu adalah (hukumnya) syirik.” (Hadits shahih riwayat Abu Dawud (no. 3883), Ibnu Majah (no. 3530), Ahmad dan Hakim). [8] <br /><br />6. ”Mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan sabar dan shalat”. (Al Baqarah : 153) <br />Mintalah tolong kepada Allah dengan sabar dan shalat. Tentunya agar datang pertolongan Allah, maka kita juga harus bersabar sesuai dengan Sunnah Nabi Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam. Juga harus shalat sesuai Sunnahnya dan terbebas dari bid’ah-bid’ah. <br /><br />7. “Karena sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan, sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan”. (Alam Nasyrah : 5 – 6) <br />Ini juga janji Allah. Mungkin terasa bagi kita jodoh yang dinanti tidak kunjung datang. Segalanya terasa sulit. Tetapi kita harus tetap berbaik sangka kepada Allah dan yakinlah bahwa sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. Allah sendiri yang menegaskan dua kali dalam Surat Alam Nasyrah. <br /><br />8. “Hai orang-orang yang beriman jika kamu menolong (agama) Allah, niscaya Dia akan menolongmu dan meneguhkan kedudukanmu”. (Muhammad : 7) <br />Agar Allah Tabaraka wa Ta’ala menolong kita, maka kita tolong agama Allah. Baik dengan berinfak di jalan-Nya, membantu penyebaran dakwah Islam dengan penyebaran buletin atau buku-buku Islam, membantu penyelenggaraan pengajian, dll. Dengan itu semoga Allah menolong kita. <br /><br />9. “Sesungguhnya Allah pasti menolong orang yang menolong (agama)-Nya. Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Kuat lagi Maha Perkasa”. (Al Hajj : 40) <br /><br />10. “Ingatlah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu amat dekat”. (Al Baqarah : 214) <br /><br /><br />Itulah janji Allah. Dan Allah tidak akan menyalahi janjinya. Kalaupun Allah tidak / belum mengabulkan doa kita, tentu ada hikmah dan kasih sayang Allah yang lebih besar buat kita. Kita harus berbaik sangka kepada Allah. Inilah keyakinan yang harus ada pada setiap muslim. <br /><br />Jadi, kenapa ragu dengan janji Allah?animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-76295462675116351582010-08-30T20:14:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:15:56.301-07:00hadis lemah mengusap mukaHadits-hadits lemah tentang mengusap muka setelah berdo`a <br />Posted by admin <br />04/07/2005 4346 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Banyak orang yang mengusap muka mereka setelah melakukan sholat ataupun berdo'a. Namun benarkah amalan itu pernah dilakukan dan dicontohkan oleh Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam dan para shahabatnya? Risalah ini insya Allah akan menjelaskan tentang lemahnya hadits-hadits mengenai mengusap wajah. <br /> <br /> <br />Banyak orang yang mengusap muka mereka setelah melakukan sholat ataupun berdo'a. Namun benarkah amalan itu pernah dilakukan dan dicontohkan oleh Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam dan para shahabatnya? Risalah ini insya Allah akan menjelaskan tentang lemahnya hadits-hadits mengenai mengusap wajah. Beberapa hadits lemah tersebut: <br /><br />1. Nabi shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, ketika mengangkat kedua tangannya untuk berdo'a, tidaklah menurunkannya kecuali beliau mengusapkannya terlebih dahulu ke mukanya. <br /><br />Hadits ini lemah. Diriwayatkan oleh At Tirmidzi (2/244), Ibnu 'Asakir (7/12/2). Dengan sanad : Hammaad ibn 'Isa al-Juhani dari Hanzalah ibn Abi Sufyaan al-Jamhi dari Salim ibn 'Abdullah dari bapaknya dari 'Umar ibn al-Khatthab. <br /><br />At Tirmidzi berkata: Hadits ini gharib, kami hanya mendapatkannya dari Hammad ibn 'Isa Al Juhani. Dan dia menyendiri dalam meriwayatkan hadits ini. Dia hanya mempunyai (meriwayatkan) beberapa hadits saja, tapi orang-orang meriwayatkan darinya. <br /><br />Bagaimanapun juga hadits ini lemah, berdasarkan pada perkataannya Al Hafidh Ibnu Hajar di dalam At Taqrib, dimana beliau menjelaskan tentang riwayat hidupnya dalam At Tahdzib : Ibnu Ma'in berkata:'Dia adalah Syaikh yang baik', Abu Hatim berkata:'Lemah didalam (meriwayatkan) hadits', Abu Dawud berkata:'Lemah, dia meriwayatkanhadits-hadits munkar'. <br /><br />Hakim dan Naqash berkata:'Dia meriwayatkan hadits-hadits yang tidak kuat dari Ibnu Juraij dan Ja'far Ash Shadiq', Dia dinyatakan lemah oleh Ad Daraquthni, Ibnu Hibban mengatakan bahwa dia meriwayatkan sesuatu yang salah melalui jalur Ibnu Juraij dan Abdul Aziz bin Umar bin Abdul Aziz, tidaklah diperbolehkan untuk menjadikannya sebagai sandaran, Ibnu Makula berkata:'mereka semua mencap hadits-hadits dari dia sebagai hadits lemah'. <br /><br />Terdapat hadits yang sejenis dengan hadits 1: Apabila Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam berdo'a dan mengangkat kedua tangannya, maka beliau mengusap wajahnya dengannya Hadits ini Dha'if. Diriwayatkan oleh Abu Dawud (1492) dari Ibnu Lahi'ah dari Hafsh bin Hisyam bin 'Utbah bin Abi Waqqash dari Sa'ib bin Yazid dari ayahnya. <br /><br />Ini adalah hadits dha'if berdasarkan pada Hafsh bin Hisyam karena dia tidak dikenal (majhul) dan lemahnya Ibnu Lahi'ah (Taqribut Tahdzib). <br /><br />Hadits ini tidak bisa dikuatkan oleh dua jalur hadits berdasarkan lemahnya hadits yang pertama. <br /><br /><br /><br />2. Jika kamu berdo'a kepada Allah,kemudian angkatlah kedua tanganmu (dengan telapak tangan diatas), dan jangan membaliknya,dan jika sudah selesai (berdo'a) usapkan (telapak tangan) kepada muka. <br /><br />Hadits ini lemah. Diriwayatkan oleh Ibnu Majah (1181, 3866), Ibnu Nashr dalam Qiyaamul-Lail (hal. 137),Ath Thabarani dalam Al-Mu'jam al-Kabir (3/98/1) & Hakim (1/536), dari Shalih ibn Hassan dari Muhammad ibn Ka'b dari Ibnu 'Abbas radiallaahu 'anhu (marfu'). <br /><br />Lemahnya hadits ini ada pada Shalih bin Hassan, Sebagai munkarul hadits, seperti dikatakan Al Bukhari dan Nasa'i,Dia tertolak dalam meriwayatkan hadits; Ibnu Hibban berkata:Dia selalu menggunakan (mendengarkan) penyanyi wanita dan mendengarkan musik, dan dia selalu meriwayatkan riwayat yang kacau yang didasarkan pada perawi yang terpercaya; Ibnu Abi Hatim berkata dalam Kitabul 'Ilal (2/351):Aku bertanya pada ayahku (yaitu Abu Hatim al-Razi) tentang hadits ini, kemudian beliau berkata:'Munkar'. <br /><br />Hadits dari Shalih bin Hasan ini diriwayatkan juga oleh jalur lain yaitu dari Isa bin Maimun, yaitu yang meriwayatkan dari Muhammad bin Ka'ab, seperti yang diriwayatkan oleh Ibnu Nashr. Tapi hal ini tidaklah merubah lemahnya hadits ini, sebab Isa bin Maimun adalah lemah. <br /><br />Ibnu Hibban berkata:Dia meriwayatkan beberapa hadits,dan semuanya tertolak. An Nasa'i berkata:Dia tidak bisa dipercaya. <br /><br />Hadits dari Ibnu Abbas ini juga diriwayatkan oleh Abu Dawud (1485), dan Bayhaqi (2/212), melalui jalur 'Abdul Malik ibn Muhammad ibn Aiman dari 'Abdullah ibn Ya'qub ibn Ishaq dari seseorang yang meriwayatkan kepadanya dari Muhammad ibn Ka'b, dengan matan sebagai berikut : Mintalah kepada Allah dengan (mengangkat) kedua telapak tanganmu,dan minta pada-Nya dengan membaliknya, dan jika kau selesai, maka usaplah mukamu dengannya. <br /><br />Hadits ini sanadnya dha'if. Abdul Malik dinyatakan lemah oleh Abu Dawud. Dalam hadits ini terdapat Syaikhnya Abdullah bin Ya'qub yang tidak disebutkan namanya, dan tidak dikenal - Bisa saja dia adalah Shalih Bin Hassan atau Isa bin Maimun. Keduanya sudah dijelaskan sebelumnya. <br /><br />Hadits ini juga diriwayatkan oleh Hakim (4/270) melalui jalur Muhammad ibn Mu'awiyah, yang berkata bahwa Mashadif ibn Ziyad al-Madini memberitahukan padanya bahwa dia mendengar hal ini dari Muhammad ibn Ka'b al-Qurazi. Adz Dzahabi menyatakan bahwa Ibnu Mu'awiyah dinyatakan kadzab oleh Daraquthni, Maka hadits ini adalah maudhu'. <br /><br />Abu Dawud berkata tentang hadits ini:hadits ini telah diriwayatkan lebih dari satu jalur melalui Muhammad ibn Ka'b; semuanya tertolak. <br /><br />Mengangkat kedua tangan ketika melakukan qunut memang terdapat riwayat dari Rasulullah tentangnya, yaitu ketika beliau berdoa terhadap kaum yang membunuh 15 pembaca Al Qur'an (Riwayat Ahmad (3/137) & AthThabarani Al-Mu'jamus-Shaghir (hal. 111) dari Anas dengan sanad shahih. Serupa dengan yang hadits yang diriwaytakan dari Umar dan yang lainnya ketika melakukan qunut pada sholat Witir. <br /><br />Namun mengusap muka sesudah du'a qunut maka tidaklah pernah dicontohkan oleh Rasulullah shalallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, tidak juga dari para shahabatnya, ini adalah bid'ah yang nyata. <br /><br />Sedangkan mengusap muka setelah berdoa diluar sholat berdasarkan pada dua hadits. Dan tidaklah dapat dikatakan benar kedua hadits tersebut bisa menjadi hasan,seperti yang dikatakan oleh Al Manawi, berdasarkan pada lemahnya sanad yang ditemukan pada hadits tersebut. <br /><br />Inilah yang menjadikan alasan Imam An Nawawi dalam Al Majmu bahwa hal ini tidak dianjurkan, menambahkan perkataan Ibnu 'Abdus-Salaam yang berkata bahwa hanya orang yang sesat yang melakukan hal ini. <br /><br />Bukti bahwa mengusap muka setelah berdo'a tidak penah dicontohkan adalah dikuatkan bahwa terdapat hadits-hadits yang tsabit yang menyatakan diangkatnya tangan untuk berdo'a, tapi tidak ada satupun yang menjelaskan mengsuap muka setelahnya, dengan hal ini, wallahu a'lam, hal ini tidak diterima dan tidak pernah dicontohkan. <br /><br />Wallahu a'lam bish shawabanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-76365798244440234322010-08-30T20:13:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:14:40.552-07:00shalat dan salafiyhanyaShalat dan Kaifiyyahnya <br />Posted by admin <br />20/12/2004 4797 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Shalat menurut bahasa mempunyai arti: do’a/ rahmat. (al-Ahzab: 56 & al-Baqarah: 157). Menurut istilah, shalat ialah suatu ibadah yang terdiri dari ucapan dan perbuatan yang dimulai dengan takbir dan diakhiri dengan salam disertai dengan syarat-syarat tertentu <br /> <br /> <br />Definisi Shalat <br />Shalat menurut bahasa mempunyai arti: do’a/ rahmat. (al-Ahzab: 56 & al-Baqarah: 157). Menurut istilah, shalat ialah suatu ibadah yang terdiri dari ucapan dan perbuatan yang dimulai dengan takbir dan diakhiri dengan salam disertai dengan syarat-syarat tertentu. Lafadz shalat dibentuk dari kata الصِّلَةُ, karena ia yang menghubungkan antara hamba dengan Tuhannya serta mendekatkan diri kepada-Nya. <br /><br />Hukum shalat terbagi kepada Fardhu dan Nafilah/sunnah. Demikianlah pendapat semua madzhab kecuali Madzhab Hanafi. Berikut pembagiannya : <br /><br />1. Fardhu <br />Shalat fardhu ialah shalat yang diwajibkan untuk mengerjakannya. Shalat Fardhu terbagi lagi menjadi dua, yaitu : <br /><br />- Fardhu ‘Ain : ialah kewajiban yang diwajibkan kepada mukallaf langsung berkaitan dengan dirinya dan tidak boleh ditinggalkan ataupun dilaksanakan oleh orang lain, seperti shalat yang lima, dan shalat Jum’at. <br /><br />- Fardhu Kifayah : ialah kewajiban yang diwajibkan kepada Mukallaf tidak langsung berkaitan dengan dirinya. Kewajiban itu menjadi sunnah setelah ada sebagian orang yang mengerjakannya. Akan tetapi bila tidak ada orang yang mengerjakannya maka kita wajib mengerjakannya dan menjadi berdosa bila tidak dikerjakan. Seperti shalat jenazah. <br /><br />2. Nafilah (shalat sunnat) <br />Shalat nafilah adalah shalat-shalat yang dianjurkan atau disunnahkan akan tetapi tidak diwajibkan. Shalat nafilah terbagi lagi menjadi dua, yaitu <br /><br />- Nafil Muakkad adalah shalat sunnat yang dianjurkan dengan penekanan yang kuat (hampir mendekati wajib), seperti shalat dua hari raya, shalat sunnat witr dan shalat sunnat thawaf. <br /><br />- Nafil Ghairu Muakkad adalah shalat sunnat yang dianjurkan tanpa penekanan yang kuat, seperti shalat sunnat Rawatib dan shalat sunnat yang sifatnya insidentil (tergantung waktu dan keadaan, seperti shalat kusuf/khusuf hanya dikerjakan ketika terjadi gerhana). <br /><br />Hukum Shalat dan Ancaman bagi yang Meninggalkannya. <br />Shalat hukumnya wajib. Artinya bila ia dilaksanakan berpahala, sedangkan bila ditinggalkan berdosa. Allah berfirman : <br /><br />(قُلْ لِعِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا يُقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَيُنْفِقُوا مِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ سِرًّا وَعَلَانِيَةً مِنْ قَبْلِ أَنْ يَأْتِيَ يَوْمٌ لَا بَيْعٌ فِيهِ وَلَا خِلَالٌ (إبراهيم :31) <br /><br />Katakanlah kepada hamba-hamba-Ku yang telah beriman: Hendaklah mereka mendirikan shalat, menafkahkan sebahagian rezki yang Kami berikan kepada mereka secara sembunyi ataupun terang-terangan sebelum datang hari (kiamat) yang pada hari itu tidak ada jual beli dan persahabatan (QS.Ibrahim :31) <br /><br />عَنْ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ قَالَ سَمِعْتُ جَابِرًا يَقُولُ سَمِعْتُ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ إِنَّ بَيْنَ الرَّجُلِ وَبَيْنَ الشِّرْكِ وَالْكُفْرِ تَرْكَ الصَّلَاةِ (رواه مسلم (و أحمد وأبو داود والنسائ والترمذي وابن ماجه <br /><br />Dari Abu Sufyan ia berkata, Aku telah mendengar Jabir berkata, aku telah mendengar Nabi s.a.w bersabda: “Sesungguhnya batas antara seseorang dengan Syirik dan kekufuran adalah meninggalkan shalat”. (HR. Muslim, Abu Daud, an-Nasaie, at-Turmudzie dan Ibnu Majah) <br /><br />Bagi mereka yang meninggalkan shalat maka halal darahnya sebagaimana Rasul bersabda dalam haditsnya, sbb : <br /><br />عَنْ ابْنِ عُمَرَ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ : أُمِرْتُ أَنْ أُقَاتِلَ النَّاسَ حَتَّى يَشْهَدُوا أَنْ لَا إلَهَ إلَّا اللَّهُ وَأَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ , وَيُقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ , وَيُؤْتَوْا الزَّكَاةَ , فَإِذَا فَعَلُوا ذَلِكَ عَصَمُوا مِنِّي دِمَاءَهُمْ وَأَمْوَالَهُمْ إلَّا بِحَقِّ الْإِسْلَامِ وَحِسَابُهُمْ عَلَى اللَّهِ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ (مُتَّفَقٌ عَلَيْهِ) <br /><br />Dari Ibnu Umar bahwasanya Nabi s.a.w bersabda: aku diperintah untuk memerangi orang sampai ia mengucapkan 2 kalimat syahadat, mendirikan shalat, dan menunaikan zakat. Jika mereka mengerjakan itu semua maka terlindunglah darahnya dan hartanya dari seranganku kecuali dengan hak. sedangkan perhitungan mereka ada di tangan Allah yang Maha Mulia. <br />- Manfa’at dan Hikmah Shalat <br />- Dapat mencegah perbuatan yang keji dan mungkar <br /><br />إِنَّ الصَّلَاةَ تَنْهَى عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنْكَرِ وَلَذِكْرُ اللَّهِ أَكْبَرُ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ مَا تَصْنَعُونَ (العنكبوت : 45) <br /><br />Sesungguhnya shalat itu mencegah dari (perbuatan-perbuatan) <br />keji dan mungkar. Dan sesungguhnya mengingat Allah (shalat) adalah lebih besar (keutamaannya dari ibadat-ibadat lain) Dan Allah mengetahui apa yang kamu kerjakan (al-‘Ankabut : 45) <br /><br />- Mencegah pelakunya dari Aneka macam Kesesatan <br />فَخَلَفَ مِنْ بَعْدِهِمْ خَلْفٌ أَضَاعُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَاتَّبَعُوا الشَّهَوَاتِ <br />فَسَوْفَ يَلْقَوْنَ غَيًّا (مريم : 59) <br /><br />Maka datanglah sesudah mereka, pengganti (yang jelek) yang <br />menyia-nyiakan shalat dan memperturutkan hawa nafsunya, maka mereka kelak akan menemui kesesatan (Maryam: 59) <br /> Shalat dapat menjauhkan diri dari sifat Mengeluh & Kikir <br />إِنَّ الْإِنْسَانَ خُلِقَ هَلُوعًا إِذَا مَسَّهُ الشَّرُّ جَزُوعًا وَإِذَا مَسَّهُ الْخَيْرُ مَنُوعًا إِلَّا الْمُصَلِّينَ الَّذِينَ هُمْ عَلَى صَلَاتِهِمْ دَائِمُونَ <br />(المعارج: 19-23) <br />Sesungguhnya manusia diciptakan bersifat keluh kesah lagi kikir. Apabila ia ditimpa kesusahan ia berkeluh-kesah, dan apabila ia mendapat kebaikan ia amat kikir, kecuali orang-orang yang mengerjakan shalat, yang mereka itu tetap mengerjakan shalatnya (al-Ma’arij : 19-23) <br /> Menghapus dosa-dosa kecil <br />عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ الصَّلَاةُ الْخَمْسُ وَالْجُمْعَةُ إِلَى الْجُمْعَةِ كَفَّارَةٌ لِمَا بَيْنَهُنَّ مَا لَمْ تُغْشَ الْكَبَائِرُ <br />(رواه مسلم و أحمد و الترمذي وابن ماجه) <br />Dari Abu Hurairah bahwasanya Rasulullah bersabda, Shalat lima kali sehari dan shalat jum’at ke jum’at merupakan pelebur dosa selama tidak melakukan dosa besar ( HR. Muslim, Ahmad, Turmudzie dan Ibnu Majah) <br /> Selamat dari Siksa Hari Kiamat <br />مَنْ حَافَظَ عَلَيْهَا كَنَتْ لَهُ نُوْرًا وَبُرْهَانًا وَنَجَاةً يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ <br />(رواه أحمد وابن حبان والطبراني) <br />Barang siapa yang menjaga shalatnya, niscaya ia akan menjadi <br />cahaya, bukti dan penyelamat baginya pada hari kiamat <br />(HR. Ahmad, Ibnu Hibban dan ath-Thabrani) <br /> Menenangkan dan menentramkan hati <br />قَالَ رَسُوْلُ اللهِ : جُعِلَتْ قُرَّةَ عَيْنِيْ فِيْ الصَّلاَةِ (رواه أحمد و النسائ) <br />Rasulullah bersabda: Penyejuk Hatiku ada di dalam shalat <br />(HR. Ahmad dan an-Nasaie) <br /><br /> Hal-hal yang mesti dilakukan sebelum shalat <br /> Suci dari Najis, baik Najis Ma’nawiyyah maupun Hissiyyah <br /> Najis Ma’nawiyyah ialah najis yang menodai akidah dan tak dapat diindera ataupun dilihat oleh mata manusia, seperti Syirik dan Kufur. Orang musyrik tidak boleh masuk dan menetap di dalam masjid karena mereka najis kecuali bila telah masuk Islam. <br /> Najis Hissiyyah ialah Najis yang dapat dilihat oleh mata manusia dan dapat diindera, seperti jilatan anjing, kotoran manusia ataupun hewan, kencing, darah haidh dan nifas, madzie dan wadi. <br /> Suci dari Hadats Besar dan Hadats Kecil <br /> Hadats besar adalah peristiwa/ keadaan yang mewajibkan seseorang untuk mandi janabat, seperti keluar mani, bersenggama, haidh dan nifas. Adapun tata cara mandi janabat ialah : <br />1. Mencuci kedua tangan dengan air <br />2. Mencuci qubul (kelamin) dan dubur. <br />3. Bewudhu’ sebagaimana wudhu’nya shalat, namun hanya sampai kepala. <br />4. Mengusap kepala dan menyela-nyela rambut hingga ke pangkalnya dengan air secara merata. <br />5. Menyiram kepala dan seluruh anggota tubuh dengan air sebanyak tiga kali kemudian yang terakhir mencuci kaki. <br />Semua ini dilakukan bila terdapat air, namun bila tidak mendapatkan air maka tayammum adalah cara yang disyari’atkan sebagai penggantinya. Tayammum adalah suatu bentuk kewajiban bersuci dengan menggunakan debu sebagai pengganti air. Tata cara tayammum: <br />1. Membaca Bismillah <br />2. Menepukkan dua tangan ke tanah (debu) kemudian meniupnya <br />3. Mengusapkan ke muka dan kedua tangan hingga pergelangan dimulai dari tangan kanan lalu tangan kiri. Semuanya dilakukan hanya satu kali. Apa-apa yang membatalkan wudhu` juga membatalkan tayammum. <br />Seseorang yang keluar mani (junub) dengan sengaja atau mimpi basah sebelum ia mandi janabat, maka diharamkan baginya; shalat, thawaf dan menetap dalam masjid kecuali hanya berlalu saja. <br />Orang yang sedang haidh atau nifas sebelum suci dari haidh dan nifasnya itu, diharamkan baginya; shalat, puasa, thawaf, menetap dalam masjid dan bersenggama (bersetubuh). <br /> Hadats kecil adalah peristiwa atau keadaan yang menyebabkan seseorang harus berwudhu` ketika ia hendak mengerjakan shalat. Hadats kecil disebabkan oleh : <br />1. Keluar sesuatu dari Qubul ataupun Dubur <br />2. Tidur nyenyak <br />3. Menyentuh Persunatan bila tidak ada penghalang <br />Cara bersuci dari hadats kecil ialah dengan berwudhu`. Tata cara Wudhu` : <br />1. Membaca Bismillah <br />2. Membasuh kedua tangan hingga ke pergelangan tangan sebanyak tiga kali. <br />3. Berkumur-kumur, istinsyaq dan istinsyar (menghirup air ke dalam hidung lalu mengeluarkannya kembali) sebanyak 3 kali. <br />4. Membasuh muka tiga kali <br />5. Mencuci tangan kanan sampai siku sebanyak tiga kali kemudian mencuci tangan kiri sampai siku sebanyak tiga kali. <br />6. Mengusap kepala satu kali dengan air yakni dengan mengusapnya dari depan kepala hingga ke tengkuk lalu menjalankan tangan kembali ke depan sambil kedua telunjuk dimasukkan dalam lipatan daun telinga, diusap seluruh bagian-bagian telinga depan maupun belakangnya. <br />7. Kemudian membasuh kedua kaki dari jari-jari kaki hingga kedua mata kaki, dimulai dari kaki yang kanan baru kemudian kaki yang kiri. <br />8. Setelah wudhu` berdo’a : <br />أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاََاِلَهَ اِلاَّ اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لاَ شَرِيْكَ لَهُ وَأَ شْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُوْلُهُ (رواه مسلم) <br />(ASYHADU AL-LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAHU WAHDAHU LAA SYARIIKA LAHU WA ASYHADU ANNA MUHAMMADAN ‘ABDUHU WA RASUULUHU) <br />Aku bersaksi tidak ada Tuhan melainkan Allah yang tidak ada sekutu bagi-Nya dan Aku bersaksi bahwa Muhammad adalah hamba dan utusan-Nya (HR. Muslim) <br />Hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan Wudhu` <br />Jika seseorang terkena penyakit beser sehingga air kencingnya keluar terus-menerus, maka hendaknya ia berwudhu` untuk melakukan shalat fardhu ketika telah masuk waktu shalat (jarak antara wudhu` dan shalat dipercepat). Ia harus mencuci farjinya terlebih dahulu dan memercikkan/ membasahi celananya dengan air (istihlal). Setelah melakukan istihlal ia tidak mesti mengulang wudhu`nya jika kencingnya keluar lagi, kecuali bila banyak. Jikalau ia tidak sanggup menahan kencingnya itu maka ia harus membalutnya dengan sesuatu sehingga tidak mengenai pakaian dan badannya. Demikianlah yang harus ia lakukan pada setiap shalat fardhu. <br />Bila seseorang merasa ragu-ragu apakah ia buang angin atau tidak dalam shalatnya itu, maka teruskanlah shalatnya, sampai ia merasa yakin bahwa ia telah buang angin. Rasulullah bersabda : <br />وَعَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ رَضِيَ اللّهُ عَنْهُمَا اَنَّ رَسُوْلَ اللّهِ j قَالَ يَاْتِيْ أَحَدُكُمُ الشَّيْطَانُ فِيْ صَلاَتِهِ فَيَنْفُخُ فِيْ مَقْعَدَتِهِ فَيُخَيَّلُ اِلَيْهِ أنَّهُ أَحْدَثَ وَلَمْ يُحْدِثْ فَإِذَا وَجَدَ ذَالِكَ فَلاَ يَنَْصَرِفْ حَتَّى يَسْمَعَ صَوْتًا أَوْ يَجِدْ رِيْحًا (رواه البزار وأصله في صَحِيحَين) <br />Dari Ibnu Abbas r.a bahwasanya Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda: “Syaitan akan datang kepada salah seorang kamu waktu shalat lalu ia meniup-niup pada pantatnya, dan mengkhayalkan kepadanya bahwa ia telah berhadats, padahal ia tidak berhadats. Apabila yang terjadi demikian, janganlah ia keluar dari shalat, sehingga ia yakin mendengar suara atau mencium baunya (HR.Bazzar dan asalnya dari Bukharie-Muslim) <br />Adapun bersentuhan dengan wanita maka ia tidak membatalkan wudhu`, yang membatalkan wudhu` ialah hadats besar dan hadats kecil. <br />قَالَتْ عَائِشَةُ : كَانَ النَّبِيُّ j يُقَبِّلُ بَعْضَ أَزْوَاجِهِ ثُمَّ يُصَلِّى وَلاَ يَتَوَضَّأْ <br />‘Aisyah berkata: “Nabi s.a.w pernah mencium salah seorang istrinya lalu ia shalat padahal ia tidak berwudhu` lagi (HR. an-Nasaie) <br /> Menutup Aurat <br />Aurat menurut bahasa ialah kekurangan. Menurut Syar’I adalah segala sesuatu yang wajib ditutupi atau sesuatu yg diharamkan meman-dangnya. Sedangkan ma’na yang diambil dalam hubungannya dengan shalat adalah sesuatu yang wajib ditutupi. Aurat yang wajib ditutup oleh laki-laki ketika hendak melakukan shalat ialah seluruh badan sampai diatas mata kakinya, sedangkan bagi wanita aurat yang harus ditutupinya adalah seluruh tubuhnya kecuali muka dan telapak tangan. Tidak boleh memakai pakaian yang sempit sehingga menampakkan lekukan-lekukan tubuh dan tidak boleh memakai pakaian yang transparan. <br /> Memasang Sutrah (Pembatas) <br />Sebelum melaksanakan shalat hendaklah kita membatasi diri kita dengan pembatas (sutrah) atau dengan kata lain supaya kita berdiri menghadap ke dinding atau tiang atau apa saja yang dapat menjadi pembatas, seperti tongkat, kayu, ataupun garis. Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda: <br />إذَا صَلَّى أَحَدُكُمْ فَلْيُصَلِّ اِلَى سُتْرَةٍ وَلْيَدْنُ مِنْهَا (رواه أبو داود وابن ماجه) <br />Apabila salah seorang kamu hendak shalat, maka hendaklah ia bershalat menghadap sutrah (pembatas) dan hendaklah ia mendekat kepadanya. <br /><br /> Tata Cara Shalat <br /> Raka’at Pertama <br />1. Berdiri tegak menghadap kiblat (ka’bah), pandangan ke tempat sujud tanpa berpaling. Bila tak kuasa berdiri maka boleh dengan duduk. <br />2. Niat shalat dalam hati tidak dilafadzkan (diucapkan) <br />3. Takbiratul-Ihram, atau takbir permulaan yang mengharamkan pelakunya beramal selain amalan shalat. Takbiratul Ihram dilaksanakan dengan mengucapkan الله اكـبر sambil mengangkat kedua tangan sejajar dengan kedua pundak. <br />4. Bersedekap (meletakkan telapak tangan kanan di atas punggung telapak tangan kiri di atas dada). <br />Membaca do’a Iftitah (pembuka) <br />اللَّهُمَّ بَاعِدْ بَيْنِيْ وَ بَيْنَ خَطَايَايَ كَمَا بَاعَدْتَ بَيْنَ الْمَشْرِقِ وَالْمَغْرِبِ اللَّهُمَّ نَقِّنِيْ مِنْ خَطَايَايَ كَمَا يُنَقَّى الثَّوْبُ اْلأَبْيَضُ مِنَ الدَّنَسِ، اللّهُمَّ اَغْسِلْنِيْ مِنْ خَطَايَايَ باِلْمَاءِ وَالثَّلْجِ وَالْبَرَدِ (رواه البخاري ومسلم) <br />( ALLAAHUMMA BAA’ID BAYNIY WA BAYNA KHATHAAYAAYA KAMA BAA’ADTA BAYNAL-MASYRIQI WAL-MAGHRIB, ALLAAHUMMA NAQQINIY MIN KHATHAA-YAAYA KAMĀ YUNAQQATS-TSAUBUL-ABYADHU MINAD-DANAS, ALLAAHUMMA AGHSILNIY MIN KHATHAAYAAYA BIL-MAA`I WATS-TSALJI WAL-BARADI ) <br />Artinya : <br />Ya Allah jauhkanlah antara diriku dan dosaku, sebagaimana engkau telah menjauhkan antara Timur dan Barat. Ya Allah bersihkanlah diriku dari dosa-dosa sebagaimana dibersihkannya kain putih dari kotoran. Ya Allah sucikanlah diriku dari dosa dan kesalahan dengan air, salju dan embun (HR. Bukhari-Muslim) <br />5. Membaca ta’awwudz <br />أعُوْذُ باِللهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيْمِ <br />(A’UDZU BILLAAHI MINASY-SYAITHAANIR-RAJIIM) <br />Aku berlindung kepada Allah dari Syaitan yang terkutuk <br />6. Membaca surat alfatihah <br />بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ (1) الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ (2) الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم ِ(3) مَالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّينِ (4) إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِينُ (5) اهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيم َ(6) صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْرِ الْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا الضَّالِّينَ (7) <br />(BISMILLAAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHIIM. ALHAMDU LILLAAHI RABBIL- ‘ALAMIIN. ARRAHMAANIRRAHIIM. MAALIKI YAUMID-DIIN. IYYAAKA NA’BUDU WA IYAAKA NASTA’IIN. IHDINASH- SHIRAATHAL-MUSTAQIIM. SHIRATHAL-LADZIINA AN’AMTA ‘ALAIHIM GHAIRIL-MAGHDHUUBI ‘ALAIHIM WA LADZH-DZHAALLIIN.) <br />Dengan nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang Segala puji bagi Allah, Rabb semesta Alam Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang Yang menguasai Hari Pembalasan Hanya kepada Engkau-lah kami menyembah dan hanya kepada Engkaulah kami memohon pertolongan Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus Yaitu jalan orang-orang yang telah Engkau anugerahkan nikmat kepada mereka, bukan jalan mereka yang dimurkai dan bukan pula jalan mereka yang sesat <br />7. Ucapkan amin أمِيْنsetelah Waladzdzhalliin. Amin artinya : “perkenankan-lah” <br />8. Membaca beberapa ayat atau surat dalam al-Qur`an yang telah dihafal. <br />9. Ruku’ yaitu mengangkat kedua tangan sejajar dengan bahu kemudian diturunkan sambil membungkukan tubuh dan meluruskan punggung sedangkan kedua tangan bertumpu di atas kedua lutut dengan jari-jari terbuka. Ketika ruku’ harus thuma’ninah (sempurna, tenang dan tidak terburu-buru). Dalam ruku’ membaca do’a : <br />سُبْحَانَ رَبِّيَ الْعَظِيْمِ <br />(SUBHAANA RABBIYAL-‘AZHIIM) 3X <br />Maha suci Rabbku yang Maha Agung <br />Atau membaca; سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ رَبَّنَا وَبِحَمْدِكَ اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْلِيْ <br />(SUBHAANAKA ALLAHUMMA RABBANAA WA BI-HAMDIKA ALLAHUMMAGHFIRLII) <br />Maha suci Engkau Yaa Allah, yaa Rabb kami dan dengan memuji Engkau, Yaa Allah ampunilah dosaku <br />10. Bangkit dari ruku’ dengan mengangkat kedua tangan sejajar dengan pundak lalu menurunkannyanya lurus sebagaimana permulaan shalat dan membaca سَمِعَ اللهُ لِمَنْ حَمِدَهُ )Allah mendengar bagi siapa saja yang memuji-Nya). Kemudian dilanjutkan dengan membaca : <br />Atau membacaرَبَّنَا وَ لَكَ الْحَمْدُ (Rabbanaa wa Lakal-hamdu) <br />رَبَّنَا لَكَ الْحَمْدُ مِلْءُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمِلْءُ اْلأَرْضِ <br />وَمِلْءُ مَا شِئتَ مِنْ شَيْءٍ بَعْدُ <br />(RABBANAA LAKAL-HAMDU MIL`US-SAMAAWAATI WA MIL`UL-ARDHI WA MIL`U MAA SYI`TA MIN SYAI`IN BA’DU) <br />Artinya: Ya Rabb kami, bagi-Mu segala puji sepenuh langit dan Bumi serta sepenuh apa saja yang Engkau kehendaki satelah itu. <br />11. Sujud dengan Thuma`ninah. Rasulullah apabila hendak sujud beliau mengucapkan takbir tanpa mengangkat kedua tangan lalu turun dan meletakkan kedua tangannya itu ke tanah sebelum meletakkan kedua lututnya. Anggota tubuh yang harus menempel di tempat sujud adalah dua telapak tangan, dua lutut, jari-jari dua kaki, dan wajah. Nabi s.a.w ketika sujud meletakkan dua telapak tangannya, merapatkan jari-jarinya, menegakkan lengannya dan menjauhkannya dari lambung serta menghadapkannya ke arah kiblat. <br />إِذَا سَجَدْتَ فَضَعْ كَفَّيْكَ وَارْفَعْ مِرْفَقَيْكَ (رواه مسلم وابو عوانة) <br />Apabila kamu sujud, letakkanlah kedua telapak tanganmu dan angkatlah kedua siku lenganmu (HR. Muslim dan Abu ‘Awanah) <br />Dalam riwayat lain Rasulullah bersabda: “janganlah seseorang diantara kamu membentangkan kedua lengannya seperti anjing membentangkan kedua kaki depannya” (HR. Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Daud dan Ahmad) <br />Do’a ketika sujud : <br />سُبْحَانَ رَبِّيَ اْلأَعْلَى (SUBHAANA RABBIYAL-A’LAA) 3x <br />Artinya : Maha suci Rabbku yang Maha Tinggi <br />Atau membaca <br />سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ رَبَّنَا وَبِحَمْدِكَ اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْلِيْ <br />(SUBHAANAKA ALLAHUMMA RABBANAA WA BI-HAMDIKA ALLAHUMMAGHFIRLII) <br />Artinya : Maha suci Engkau Yaa Allah, yaa Rabb kami dan dengan memuji Engkau, Yaa Allah ampunilah dosaku. <br />Dilarang membaca Qur`an ketika sujud dan dianjurkan untuk mengagungkan dan meminta ampunan kepada Allah s.w.t. <br />12. Bangkit dari sujud dengan bertakbir kemudian duduk di atas telapak kaki kiri dan menegakkan telapak kaki kanan, ujung-ujung jari kaki ditegakkan dan searah dengan kaki. Tangan diletakkan diatas paha dan ujung-ujung jari tangan sejajar dengan lutut. <br />Dalam duduk diantara dua sujud itu baca do’a : <br />اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْلِيْ وَارْحَمْنِيْ وَاجْبُرْنِيْ وَارْفَعْنِيْ وَاهْدِنِيْ وَعَافِنِيْ وَارْزُقْنِيْ <br />(ALLAAHUMMAGHFIRLII WAR-HAMNII WAJ-BURNII WAR-FA’NII WAH-DINII WA ‘AAFINII WAR-ZUQNII) <br />Ya Allah ampunilah aku, kasihanilah aku, tutuplah ke’aibanku, angkatlah derajatku, berikanlah aku petunjuk, sehatkanlah daku dan berilah aku rizki (HR. Abu Daud, Turmudzi, Ibnu Majah dan Hakim) <br />13. Setelah itu sujud lagi yang kedua sambil bertakbir. Caranya sama dengan sujud yang pertama baik dalam bacaan maupun dalam gerakan. <br /> Raka’at Kedua <br />14. Bangkit dari sujud dengan bertakbir, namun kedua tangan tidak diangkat seperti halnya pada permulaan qiyam (berdiri). Pada raka’at kedua dan seterusnya iftitah ditiadakan, sedangkan gerakan dan bacaannya sama seperti raka’at yang pertama. <br />15. Baca ta’awwudz dan alfatihah kemudian baca surat atau ayat-ayat al-Qur`an yang mudah atau yang telah dihafal. <br />16. Ruku’ sambil bertakbir kemudian baca do’a ruku sebagaimana pada raka’at pertama (lihat no. 9) <br />17. Berdiri I’tidal membaca سَمِعَ اللهُ لِمَنْ حَمِدَهُ kemudian membaca do’a I’tidal sebagaimana pada raka’at pertama (lihat no. 10) <br />18. Sujud sambil takbir dengan tanpa mengangkat kedua tangan, dalam sujud itu baca سُبْحَانَ رَبِّيَ اْلأَعْلَى sebanyak 3X atau membaca: <br />سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ رَبَّنَا وَبِحَمْدِكَ اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْلِيْ <br />(SUBHAANAKA ALLAHUMMA RABBANAA WA BI-HAMDIKA ALLAHUMMAGHFIRLII) <br />Artinya : Maha suci Engkau Yaa Allah, yaa Rabb kami dan dengan memuji Engkau, Yaa Allah ampunilah dosaku. <br />19. Kemudian bangkit dari sujud dan bertakbir kemudian membaca do’a duduk diantara dua sujud sebagaimana pada raka’at pertama <br />20. Kemudian takbir lalu sujud lagi dan baca do’a sujud. <br />21. Bangkit dari sujud kedua sambil bertakbir dan duduk sebagaimana duduk diantara dua sujud (duduk iftirasy). <br />Dari Ibnu Umar r.a, bahwasanya Rasulullah s.a.w adalah apabila beliau duduk untuk tasyahhud, beliau meletakkan tangannya yang kiri di atas lututnya yang kiri, dan menaruh tangannya yang kanan di atas lututnya yang kanan, dan beliau menggenggamkan tangannya (yang kanan) dengan genggaman 53 (lima puluh tiga), seraya berisyarat dengan jari telunjuknya, dalam riwayat lain; “dan beliau juga menggenggamkan semua jari-jarinya dan berisyarat dengan jari yang ada disamping ibu jari (telunjuk).” (HR. Muslim dan Abu ‘Awanah) <br />Kemudian membaca do’a tasyahhud dan shalawat : <br />التَّحِيَّاتُ لِلَّهِ وَالصَّلَوَاتُ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكَ أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ السَّلَامُ عَلَيْنَا وَعَلَى عِبَادِ اللَّهِ الصَّالِحِينَ أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ كَمَا صَلَّيْتَ عَلَى إِبْرَاهِيمَ وَعَلَى آلِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ إِنَّكَ حَمِيدٌ مَجِيدٌ اللَّهُمَّ بَارِكْ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ كَمَا بَارَكْتَ عَلَى إِبْرَاهِيمَ وَعَلَى آلِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ إِنَّكَ حَمِيدٌ مَجِيدٌ <br />(ATTAHIYYAATU LIL-LAAHI WASH-SHALAWAATU WATH-THAYYIBAAT, AS-SALAAMU ‘ALAIKA AYYUHAN-NABIYYU WA RAHMATULLAAHI WA BARAKAATUH, AS-SALAAMU ‘ALAINAA WA ‘ALAA ‘IBAADILLAAHISH-SHAALIHIIN, ASYHADU AL-LAA ILAAHA ILAALLAHU WA ASYHADU ANNA MUHAMMADAN ‘ABDUHU WA RASUULUHU, ALLAAHUMMA SHALLI ‘ALAA MUHAMMADIW WA ‘ALAA AALI MUHAMMADIN KAMAA SHALLAYTA ‘ALAA IBRAAHIIMA WA ‘ALAA AALI IBRAAHIIMA INNAKA HAMIIDUM-MAJIID. ALLAHUMMA BAARIK ‘ALAA MUHAMMADIW WA ‘ALAA AALI MUHAMMADIN KAMAA BAARAKTA ‘ALAA IBRAAHIIMA WA ‘ALAA AALI IBRAAHIIMA INNAKA HAMIIDUM-MAJIID.) <br />Artinya : <br />Segala penghormatan, pengagungan dan pujian hanyalah milik Allah. Semoga keselamatan atasmu wahai Nabi, juga anugerah dan berkah-Nya. Semoga keselamatan atas kami dan atas segenap hamba Allah yang saleh. Aku bersaksi bahwa tidak ada Tuhan yang berhak disembah kecuali Allah dan Aku bersaksi bahwa Muhammad adalah hamba dan utusan-Nya. Ya Allah Anugerahkanlah rahmat atas Muhammad s.a.w dan keluarganya, sebagaimana Engkau telah menganugerahkan rahmat kepada Ibrahim dan keluarganya, sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Terpuji dan Maha Mulia. Ya Allah berkahilah Muhammad beserta keluarganya sebagaimana Engkau telah memberkahi Ibrahim dan keluarganya. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha terpuji lagi Maha Mulia. <br /> Raka’at yang ketiga <br />Sama sebagaimana raka’at yang pertama dan kedua, hanya saja setelah bangkit dari duduk tasyahhud dianjurkan untuk mengangkat kedua tangan sebatas pundak atau sejajar dengan bahu sambil bertakbir, kemudian melanjutkan raka’at shalat yang tersisa. Ini bila shalat tersebut adalah shalat maghrib, Dzuhur ‘Ashar dan Isya namun shalat subuh selesai pada raka’at yang kedua. <br />Pada raka’at ketiga setelah bangkit dari duduk tasyahhud lalu takbir, kemudian membaca alfatihah dan disunnahkan untuk membaca surat. Pada shalat maghrib raka’at ketiga adalah raka’at yang terakhir, kemudian mengucapkan salam bagi Shalat Maghrib. <br /> Raka’at keempat <br />Setelah bangkit dari sujud dari raka’at yang ketiga, maka pelaksanaannya sama sebagaimana pada raka’at yang kedua, namun setelah bangkit dari sujud yang terakhir, duduklah dengan duduk tawarruk, yakni dengan menegakkan telapak kaki kanan dan meletakkan telapak kaki kiri di bawah tulang kering kaki kanan, sedangkan kedua tangan diletakkan di atas paha dengan cara sebagaimana pada tasyahhud awal. Pada tasyahhud akhir ini, do’a yang dibaca sama dengan do’a pada tasyahhud awal. Setelah selesai membaca do’a tasyahhud lalu membaca do’a : <br />اَللَّهُمَّ اِنِّيْ اَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنْ عَذَابِ جَهَنَّمَ وَمِنْ عَذَابِ الْقَبْرِ وَمِنْ فِتْنَةِ الْمَحْيَا وَالْمَمَاتِ وَمِنْ شَرِّ فِتْنَةِ الْمَسِيْحِ الدَّجَّالِ <br />(ALLAHUMMA INNII A’UUDZUBIKA MIN ‘ADZAABI JAHANNAMA WA MIN ‘ADZAABIL-QABRI WA MIN FITNATIL-MAHYAA WAL-MAMAATI WA MIN SYARRI FITNATIL-MASIIHID-DAJJAAL.) <br />Artinya : <br />Ya Allah Aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari siksa Jahannam dan siksa kubur, dan aku berlindung kepada-Mu dari fitnah kehidupan dan kematian serta dari kejahatan fitnah Dajjal. <br />kemudian diakhiri dengan mengucapkan salam السلام عليكم ورحمة الله dengan menengok kekanan lalu kekiri. Pada shalat Dzuhur ‘Ashar dan Isya, raka’at keempat adalah raka’at yang terakhir. <br /> Hal-hal yang dilarang dalam shalat <br />1. Tergesa-gesa dalam shalat (tidak Thuma`ninah). Ketika ada salah seorang shalat dengan tergesa-gesa, Rasulullah bersabda kepada para sahabatnya, barangsiapa mati dalam keadaan seperti ini, dia mati bukan dalam millah Muhammad. Dia mematuk dalam shalat seperti burung gagak mematuk darah. (HR. Ibnu Khuzaimah) <br />2. Menoleh atau menengadahkan pandangannya ke langit. <br />3. Banyak Bergerak-gerak dalam shalat kecuali bila ada keperluan yang dibolehkan oleh syari’at, seperti : <br /> Membunuh ular, kalajengking dan hewan yang membahayakan diri kita. <br /> Menolak orang atau sesuatu yang akan lewat dalam sutrah kita. <br /> Menggendong anak kecil. <br /> Menjawab salam dengan isyarat tangan. <br /> Bertepuk tangan bagi wanita, apabila Imam salah. <br /> Bergeser atau maju untuk mengisi kekosongan shaff. <br /> Imam menarik ma`mum apabila posisi ma`mum salah dan ma`mumnya harus menurutinya. <br /> Mundur untuk menemani seseorang yang menariknya untuk mendirikan shaff baru di belakang. <br /> Apabila di mulutnya ada sesuatu yang mengganggu ia boleh meludah ke sebelah kiri atau ke sapu tangannya. <br /> Maju untuk menggantikan Imam apabila Imam batal shalatnya. <br />4. Menguap (diusahakan untuk menahannya) <br />5. Membunyikan ruas tangan <br />6. Menahan buang air besar atau kecil dan kentut. <br />7. Bertolak pinggang. <br />8. Melihat atau menggunakan pakaian yang mengganggu karena corak dan gambarnya. <br />9. Isbal (memakai pakaian sampai menyentuh lantai) <br />10. Shalat di depan makanan yang telah terhidang. <br />11. Shalat di sa’at sedang mengantuk. <br />12. Menetapkan tempat shalat yang khusus di masjid kecuali imam <br /> Hal-hal yang membatalkan shalat <br />1. Tidak mengerjakan rukun-rukun dan syarat sahnya shalat. <br />2. Makan dan minum. <br />3. Berbicara dengan sengaja bukan untuk menegur imam yang salah. <br />4. Menoleh/ memalingkan badan dari arah kiblat. <br />5. Mengalami hadats kecil atau hadats besar. <br />6. Tertawa-tawa sedikit atau banyak. <br />7. Dilewati oleh perempuan baligh, keledai dan anjing hitam di dalam batas sutrahnya (HR. Ibnu Khuzaimah, Thabrani dan Hakim) <br /> Perbuatan yang diperkenankan ketika shalat <br />1. Menangis, merintih, baik karena sangat takut kepada Allah atau karena sebab-sebab lain yang tak bisa ditahan, seperti karena sakit atau penderitaan yang tak terhingga. <br />2. Membunuh binatang yang membahayakan diri kita, seperti ular dll. <br />3. Berjalan sedikit karena ada keperluan, seperti memperbaiki shaff atau membukakan pintu dengan syarat tidak berpaling dari kiblat. <br />4. Menggendong anak kecil di waktu shalat. <br />5. Menjawab salam dengan isyarat. <br />6. Bertasbih bagi laki-laki dan menepuk tangan bagi wanita untuk mengingatkan kesalahan imam. <br />7. Menahan menguap dengan menutup mulut. <br />8. Membaca surat dengan melihat al-Qur`an. <br />9. Berludah kekiri (ke bawah telapak kaki kiri) atau ke sapu tangan. <br /> Hal-hal yang Diharuskan/dianjurkan dalam Shalat. <br />1. Mendekatkan diri kepada pembatas (sutrah) ketika ada yang memaksa lewat. (diharuskan) <br />2. Menolak atau mencegah agar orang tidak lewat di depan kita (di dalam sutrah). (diharuskan) <br />3. Merapatkan shaff dan meluruskannya.(diharuskan) <br />4. Berdo’a ketika membaca ayat-ayat adzab dan rahmat. (dianjurkan) <br />5. Membaca ta’awudz dan meludah kekiri ketika shalat untuk menghilangkan keraguan. (dianjurkan). Rasul bersabda : <br />قالَ عُثْمَانُ ابْنُ عَاصٍ، يَارَسُوْلَ اللهِ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ قَدْ حَالَ بَيْنِيْ وَبَيْنَ صَلاَتِيْ وَقِرَاءَتِيْ يُلَبِّسُهَا عَلَيَّ، فَقَالَ رَسُوْلَ اللهِ ذِاكَ الشَّيْطَانٌ يُقَالُ لَهُ خِنْزِبٌ، فَإِذَا أَحْسَسْـتَهُ فَتَعَوَّذْ بِاللهِ مِنْهُ، وِاتْفُلْ عَلَى يَسَارِكَ ثَلاَثًا، قَالَ فَفَعَلْتُ ذَالِكَ فَأَذْهَبَهُ اللهُ عَنِّيْ (رواه مسلم و أحمد) <br />Utsman bin ‘Ash berkata kepada Nabi s.a.w, “Wahai Rasulullah, setan telah menggangguku ketika aku membaca bacaan dalam shalat, sehingga bacaanku menjadi kacau”. Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda: “itulah setan yang bernama Khinzib, jika kamu merasakan gangguannya, bacalah ta’awwudz dan meludahlah ke sebelah kirimu tiga kali”. Ia berkata: “saya-pun melakukan hal itu, kemudian Allah menghilangkan keraguan dari diriku.” (HR. Muslim & Ahmad) <br /><br /> Kehabisan waktu Shalat <br />Bagi orang yang lupa atau tertidur sehingga habis waktu shalat, maka shalatlah ketika ia teringat walaupun waktunya sudah lewat. Rasulullah menegaskan dalam haditsnya : <br />عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ عَنْ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ مَنْ نَسِيَ صَلَاةً فَلْيُصَلِّ إِذَا ذَكَرَهَا لَا كَفَّارَةَ لَهَا إِلَّا ذَلِكَ وَأَقِمِ الصَّلَاةَ لِذِكْرِي <br />Dari Anas bin Malik r.a dari Nabi s.a.w ia bersabda: Barangsiapa yang lupa mengerjakan shalat maka shalatlah ketika teringat, tidak ada kafarat (tebusan) selain dengan melaksanakannya (dan dirikanlah shalat untuk mengingat-Ku). (HR. Bukharie-Muslim) <br /> Shalat Berjama’ah <br />Shalat berjama’ah adalah shalat yang dilaksanakan bersama-sama dan dipimpin oleh seorang imam dan dikuti oleh yang lainnya yang dinamakan ma’mum. Sebelum melaksanakan shalat berjama’ah dianjurkan untuk adzan dan iqamat. Orang yang menyerukan adzan disebut muadzin. Adzan biasanya dilaksanakan di masjid untuk memanggil orang-orang agar melaksanakan shalat secara berjama’ah di masjid. Sedangkan iqamat adalah ajakan buat berdiri shalat. Yang melaksanakan adzan atau Qamat siapa saja boleh baik imam ataupun ma’mum, kecuali wanita. <br /><br />Lafadz adzan <br />اللهُ أَكْبَرُ اللهُ أكبَرُ 2× <br />أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاََّ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ الله 2× <br />أَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا رَسُوْلُ اللهِ 2× <br />حَيَّ عَلَى الصَّلاَةِ 2× <br />حَيَّ عَلَى الْفَلاَحِ 2× <br />اللهُ أَكْبَرُ اللهُ أكبَرُ لاَاِلَـهَ إِلاَّ اللهُ <br /><br />Adzan Subuh sama sebagaimana yang tersebut di atas. Adapun lafadz : <br />الصَّلاَةُ خَيْرٌ مِنَ النَّومِ 2× <br />Shalat itu lebih baik daripada tidur 2X <br />Adalah untuk adzan awal. Muhammad bin Ismail al-Kahlani dalam Kitabnya Subulussalam, menyebutkan bahwa tatswib diucapkan pada adzan awal, kira-kira 60 menit sebelum masuk waktu subuh, atau pada sa’at fajar kadzib. Adzan awal berfungsi untuk membangunkan orang agar shalat tahajjud ataupun sahur. Memang ada hadits yang menyebutkan bahwa tatswib itu pada waktu subuh secara umum, namun hadits yang diriwayatkan oleh An-Nasaie mentaqyidnya (menjelaskan kekhususannya), berikut bunyinya : <br />الصَّلاَةُ خَيْرٌ مِنَ النَّومِ 2× فِيْ اْلأَذَانِ الأَوَّلِ مِنَ الصُّـبْحِ (رواه ابن خزيمة) <br />Ashshalatu Khairumminannaum 2X adalah di dalam adzan awal dari subuh. <br /><br />Lafadz Iqamat <br />اللهُ أَكْبَرُ اللهُ أكبَرُ <br />أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاََّ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ الله <br />أَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا رَسُوْلُ اللهِ <br />حَيَّ عَلَى الصَّلاَةِ <br />حَيَّ عَلَى الْفَلاَحِ <br />قَدْ قَامَتِ الصَّلاَةُ 2× <br />اللهُ أَكْبَرُ اللهُ أكبَرُ لاَاِلَـهَ إِلاَّ اللهُ <br />Keterangan <br /> Disunnahkan bagi orang yang mendengar adzan untuk menjawabnya dengan lafadz yang sama seperti yang diucapkan oleh Muadzin, kecuali pada lafadz حَيَّ عَلَى الصَّلاَةِ dan حَيَّ عَلَى الْفَلاَحِ maka ketika mendengar lafadz itu ucapkanlah : <br />لاَحَوْلَ وَلاَ قُـوَّةَ اِلاَّ بِاللهِ <br />Tidak ada daya dan kekuatan melainkan dengan kehendak Allah <br /> Disunnahkan sesudah adzan berdo’a : <br />اللَّهُمَّ رَبَّ هَذِهِ الدَّعْوَةِ التَّامَّةِ وَالصَّلاَةِ الْقَائِمَةِ آتِ مُحَمَّدَنِ الْوَسِيْلَةَ وَ الْفَضِيْلَةَ وَابْعَـثْهُ مَقَامًا مَحْمُوْدَنِ الَّذِيْ وَعَدْتَهُ <br />(ALLAHUMMA RABBA HAADZIHID-DA’WATIT-TAAMMAH WASH-SHALAATIL-QAA`IMAH, AATI MUHAMMADANIL-WASIILATA WAL-FADHIILATA WAB’ATSHU MAQAAMAM-MAHMUUDANIL-LADZI WA’ADTAH) <br />Artinya: Ya Allah, Rabb yang mempunyai panggilan yang sempurna ini dan shalat yang didirikan ini, berikanlah kepada Muhammad derajat yang tinggi dan pangkat yang mulia dan bangkitkanlah Muhammad di tempat yang terpuji yang telah Engkau janjikan kepadanya (HR. Bukharie dan Ashhabus- Sunan) <br /><br />Adab-Adab Shalat Berjama’ah <br /> Ma’mum harus mengikuti Imam dalam segala halnya dan tidak boleh mendahuluinya. <br /> Imam haruslah orang yang lebih pandai dari mereka tentang Islam dan lebih fasih dalam membaca ayat-ayat al-Qur`an. <br /> Imam hendaklah merapikan shaff jama’ahnya. Apabila makmumnya seorang maka letaknya di sebelah kanan Imam dengan mundur sedikit ke belakang, namun bila ma’mumnya lebih dari seorang maka letaknya dibelakang imam. Hendaklah mereka merapatkan shaff di belakang Imam. <br /> Dalam pengaturan shaff, orang-orang tua dan orang-orang yang faham Islam shaffnya di depan dan didahulukan dibanding anak-anak, kemudian baru wanita. <br /> Pada shalat Maghrib, Subuh, Isya, Jum’at, Taraweh &animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-38989998599800468322010-08-30T20:12:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:13:21.000-07:00kewajiban mengikuti shalafussalihKewajiban Mengikuti Manhaj Salafush Shalih <br />Posted by admin <br />08/02/2006 1082 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Bagimana kedudukan manhaj salafus shalih? Apakah bagi muslimin bebas dalam menafsirkan Al-Quran dan As-Sunnah? Berikut ulasan tentang kewajiban mengikuti manhaj salaf <br /> <br /> <br />Manhaj secara bahasa artinya jalan yang jelas (Qamus Al-Muhith). Istilah yang populer di kalangan ahlul ilmi ialah jalan yang akan mengantarkan kepada pengenalan hakekat ilmu melalui kaidah-kaidah umum yang dapat menjaga jalannya akal dan memberi batasan-batasan yang praktis, sehingga dengan itu akan sampai kepada hasil yang dapat diketahui dengan jelas (lihat Manhajul Istidlal, jilid I, halaman 20, oleh Utsman bin Ali Hasan). Dengan kata lain Manhaj adalah sistem pemahaman dan pengenalan ilmu. Yang dimaksud dengan Manhaj di sini ialah Manhaj sebagai Salafiyyin dalam memahami dan mengamalkan agama ini. Manhaj ini diambil dari para imam ahlul hadits dari kalangan Salafus Shalih dan orang-orang yang mengikuti mereka. Hal ini perlu ditegaskan karena mengingat semakin gencarnya kelompok-kelompok/firqah-firqah sesat menggoncang umat sehingga banyak kalangan manusia tertipu bahkan karena tebalnya asap penyimpangan meliputi dirinya sehingga kebenaran dari Ulama/Imam Ahlul Haditspun tidak dipedulikannya dan menampakkan secara terang-terangan kesalahannya. Naudzubillah. Hanya kepada Allahlah kita mohon perlindungan. Dalam menelaah Manhaj ini ada beberapa poin yang harus dipahami dan direnungkan bagi para insan yang menginginkan Al Haq, yaitu sebagai berikut : <br /><br />1. Jalan Kebenaran itu hanya ada satu. <br /><br />Barangsiapa yang menyimpang dari jalan ini, berarti dia berada di atas kebatilan dan berjalan di atas kesesatan. Jalan tersebut adalah Al quran dan As Sunnah dengan pemahaman Salafus Shalih. ibnu masud radhiallahu anhu meriwayatkan :Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam. membuat satu garis kemudian beliau bersabda : Ini adalah Jalan Allah. . Kemudian beliau menggaris beberapa garis ke kanan dan ke kiri kemudia bersabda Ini adalah Subul (jalan-jalan) dan di atas setiap jalan-jalan itu ada setan yang menyeru kepadanya.Kemudian beliau membaca ayat (yang artinya) : Dan sesungguhnya ini adalah Jalan-Ku yang lurus, maka ikutilah ia dan jangan kalian ikuti jalan-jalan lain, niscaya ia akan memisahkan kalian dari jalan Allah. (HR. Ahmad, An-Nasai, Ad-Darimi Al-Hakim dihasankan oleh Al-Arnauth di dalam Syarhus Sunnah Al-Baghawi 1/197). <br /><br />Imam Al-Lalikai meriwayatkan dalam kitabnya Syarh Ushul Itiqad Ahlus Sunnah wal Jamaah, jilid 1 halaman 87 riwayat ke 108, pernyataanIbnu masud : Wajib atas kalian untuk menuntut ilmu (ilmu Syariah) sebelum ilmu tersebut dicabut Dan ilmu itu dicabut dengan meninggalnya ahli ilmu (para ulama) atau beliau menyatakan : Orang yang mempunyai ilmu. beliau berkata pula : Wajib atas kalian untuk berilmu, karena setiap kalian tidak mengetahui kapan dia membutuhkan ilmu tersebut atau butuh kepada apa yang dikandung olehnya. sesungguhnya kalian akan menjumpai beberapa kaum yang mengaku mengajak kalian kepada kitab Allah padahal mereka betul-betul telah melemparkan kitab itu ke belakang punggung mereka. Maka wajib atas kalian untuk berilmu dan jauhilah oleh kalian perbuatan bidah, memberat-beratkan diri (dalam beragama ini, pent) dan jauhilah oleh kalian berdalam-dalam di dalam urusan agama serta wajib atas kalian berpegang dengan yang terdahulu (yaitu salafus shalih). Penyimpangan dari pemahaman sahabat Nabi Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam. terhadap Al Quran dan As-Sunnah berarti penyimpangan dari ash-shirath al-mustaqim.Semakin jauh penyimpangan itu semakin jauh pula pelakunya darinya. Orang yang menyimpang ini dinamakan Ahlul Ahwa (pengekor Hawa Nafsu) atau dengan istilah lain Ahlul Bidah. <br /><br />2. Ilmu yang paling penting ialah ilmu-ilmu Al Quran dan Al Hadits dengan penafsiran para sahabat dan tabiin. Selain ilmu di atas hanyalah semata-mata pelengkap bagi keduanya dan sarana untuk memenuhi kebutuhan hidup di dunia bagi kemaslahatan kaum muslimin. Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam bersabda : Barangsiapa yang Allah kehendaki baginya kebaikan, Allah akan menjadikan dia paham tantang ilmu Agama. Sesungguhnya aku hanyalah pembagi (zakat) sedangkan Allahlah yang memberinya (yakni pemberi rezeki). Senantiasa akan ada dari umat ini orang yang menunaikan perintah Allah, tidak akan membahayakan mereka orang-orang yang menyelisihi mereka sampai datang keputusan Allah. (HR. Bukhari dalam Fathul bary, no.71 dari muawiyah bin Abi Sufyan). <br /><br />Ibnu Hajar Al-Asqalani menyatakan : Di dalam hadits ini ada keterangan yang tegas tentang keutamaan ulama di atas segenap manusia dan keutamaan belajar agama ini atas ilmu lain. (lihat fathul bari oleh Ibnu Hajar Al-Asqalani, jilid 1, halaman 165). Memahami Agama pengertiannya tidak lain adalah memahami Al quran dan Al hadits, karena agama seluruhnya hanya diambil dari keduanya. Imam Syafii tnÛ¯ tpºÀ menerangkan : Semua ilmu selain Al Quran adalah melalaikan (menyibukkan) kecuali ilmu hadits dan ilmu fiqih dalam agama ini Yang dinamakan ilmu adalah apa-apa yang ada padanya pernyataan : Telah menceritakan kepada kami (yaitu dengan sanad). Sedangkan selain itu hanyalah semata-mata bisikan syaitan. (lihat Syarh Aqidah Thahawiyah oleh Ibnu Abil Izzi, halaman 75). <br /><br />3. Berpegang dengan As Sunnah An Nabawiyah dan mencintai serta mengamalkannya dalam segala segi kehidupan adalah jaminan keselamatan dunia dan akhirat. Orang yang demikian dinamakan Ahlus Sunnah. Mencintai As- Sunnah berarti harus pula mencintai Ahlus Sunnah. Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam bersabda : Barangsiapa diantara kalian menginginkan bagian tengah surga, maka hendaklah ia tetap berpegang dengan Al-Jamaah, karena syaitan itu bersama orang yang bersendiri dan dia (setan) lebih jauh dari orang yang berdua. (Berkata Syaikh Ali hasan Abdul Hamid : Hadits ini diriwayatkan oleh Ahmad I/26; Sanadnya Shahih, lihat Al-Muntaqa An-Nafis Min Talbisil Iblis hal. 31). <br /><br />Ubay bin Kaab menyatakan : Wajib bagi kalian untuk berpegang dengan jalan dan Sunnah ini, karena orang yang berada di jalan dan Sunnah ini, yang mengingat Ar Rahman (Allah) lalu berlinang air matanya karena takut kepada Allah, tidak akan di sentuh api neraka. Sesungguhnya bersederhana dalam menempuh jalan dan sunnah ini lebih baik dari pada bersemangat dalam penyimpangan dari Sunnah. (Berkata Syaikh Ali Hasan Abdul hamid (Muridnya Syaikh Muhammad Nashiruddin Al Albani) Atsar ini dikeluarkan oleh Ahmad dalam Az-Zuhd, hal. 196, secara panjang lebar dengan sanad hasan). <br /><br />Imam Al-Lalikai meriwayatkan perkataan Sufyan Atsauri : Apabila sampai berita kepadamu tentang seorang Ahlus Sunnah di Timur dan lainnya di barat, maka kirimkanlah salam kepada keduanya dan doakanlah kebaikan bagi mereka. Alangkah sedikitnya Ahlus Sunnah Wal jamaah. (Lihat Syarh Ushul Itiqad Ahlis Sunnah wal Jamaah oleh Al Lalikai, jilid I halaman 64, riwayat ke 50). Al Jamaah yang dimaksud da dalam hadits di atas adalah para Khulafaur Rasyidin yaitu Abu Bakar, Umar, Utsman, dan Ali Radhiallahu anhum. Berpegang dengan pemahaman sahabat yang dipimpin oleh beliau berempat ini berarti berpegang dengan Al Jamaah. <br /><br />4. Menjauhkan diri dari bidah, membencinya, dan membersihkan ilmu dan amal dari kotoran bidah serta juga membenci ahlul bidah adalah pagar yang akan melindungi sunnah dan pengamalannya. Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam bersabda yang artinya : Aku berwasiat kepada kalian untuk bertaqwa kepada Allah dan mendengar serta taat (kepada pemerintahan Islam) walaupun yang memimpin kalian adalah seorang hamba sahaya dari negeri Habasyah. Sesungguhnya barangsiapa hidup sesudahku niscaya dia akan melihat banyak perselisihan, maka wajib atas kalian berpegang dengan sunnhku dan sunnah Khulafaur Rasyidin yang mendapat petunjuk sesudahku. Berpeganglah kalian dengannya dan gigitlah ia dengan gigi gerahammu serta jauhilah oleh kalian perkara agama yang diada-adakan karena semua yang baru dalam agama adalah bidah dan semua bidah adalah sesat. (HR Ahmad, Abu Dawud, Tirmidzi, Dzahabi dan Hakim, disahihkan oleh Al-Albani dalam Shahih Al jami no. 2549). <br /><br />Sufyan Ats-Tsauri menyatakan : Bidah itu lebih disukai oleh ilblis daripada maksiat, karena maksiat itu adalah perkara yang pelakunya masih dapat diharapkan bertaubat darinya, sedangkan bidah tidak dapat diharapkan pelakunya bertaubat darinya. Syaikh Ali Hasan Abdul Hamid dalam Al-Muntaqa An-Nafis, halaman 36 : atsar ini diriwayatkan oleh Ibnu Jad dalam musnadnya riwayat 1885. Al- Fudlail bin Iyadl menyatakan : Apabila engkau melihat seorang ahlul bidah berjalan di suatu jalan , maka ambilah jalan lain. Dan tidak akan diangkat amalan ahlul bidah ke hadapan Allah Yang Maha Mulia. Barangsiapa membantu ahlul bidah (pada amalan bidah, pent.), maka sungguh dia telah membantu kehancuran Islam. Diriwayatkan oleh Abu Nuaim 8/102-104 dari Al-Muntaqa An-Nafis hal 26-27. <br /><br />Selanjutnya beliau mengatakan pula : Barangsiapa menikahkan saudara perempuannya dengan ahlul bidah, maka berarti dia telah memutuskan silaturahim dengannya dan barangsiapa duduk bersama ahlul bidah, maka ia tidak diberi hikmah. Dan apabila Allah Yang Maha Mulia mengetahui dari seorang lelaki bahwa dia membenci ahlul bidah maka aku berharap Allah akan mengampuni dosanya. Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam bersabda yang artinya : Seseorang itu di atas agama orang yang dicintainya, maka hendaklah setiap orang dari kalian melihat siapa yang menjadi kekasihnya. 5. Pengertian tentang siapa Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jamaah dan siapa pula Ahlul Bidah wal Firqah sebagaimana diterangkan oleh para ulama adalah sebagai berikut: Berkata Abul Faraj Ibnu Jauzi Al Baghdadi dalam Talbis Iblis, halaman 17-18 (cet. th. 1928) : Maka sungguh telah jelas keterangan kami di atas bahwa Ahlus Sunnah itu adalah orang yang mengikuti sunnah (sunnah Nabi-Nya, pent.), sedangkan Ahlul Bidah adalah orang-orang yang menampakkan sesuatu dalam agama yang tidak ada contoh dari orang sebelumnya melakukan hal itu dan tidak ada sandaran (dalil)nya, oleh karena itu mereka menyembunyikan bidah mereka (tidak menampakkannya kepada sembarang orang, pent.), sedangkan Ahlul Sunnah tidak menutup-nutupi madzhab mereka, sehingga pendapat mereka jelas dan madzhab mereka dikenal dan kemenangan itu bagi mereka. <br /><br />6. Mengkritik, menyalahkan dan membicarakan penyimpangan ulama ahlus sunnah harus dengan bimbingan ulama pula. Bila ada ulama yang memuji ulama yang mempunyai penyimpangan tersebut, tidak berarti ulama yang memuji itu menyetujui penyimpangan tersebut. Karena itu kritikan ulama terhadap alim (ulama) dengan rinci, lengkap dengan bukti dan hujah-hujahnya, lebih diperhatikan daripada yang memujinya. Sebab yang memujinya mungkin belum mengetahui penyimpangan orang yang dipujinya sedangkan pihak pengkritik lebih mengetahui hal penyimpangan tersebut. Hsl ini merupakan kaedah ilmu hadits yang juga diterapkan dalam penilaian terhadap ulama. <br /><br />Imam al Hafidh Khatib al Baghdadi dalam kitab beliau berjudul al-Kifayah Ilmi Ar Riwayah, hal.105, bab Al-Qaul Fil Jarh Wat Tadil Idzajtamaa Ayyuhuma Aula menjelaskan: Telah sepakat ahlul ilmi (yani ulama) bahwa siapa saja yang dicela oleh seorang atau dua orang dan dipuji oleh orang sebanyak itu, maka celaan itu leih utama (untuk diperhatikan). Sebabnya ialah bahwa pencela itu memberikan perkara yang tersembunyi yang diketahuinya dan pada saat yang bersamaan benar pula ucapan pihak yang memujinya, dan pencela menyatakan kepada yang memujinya: Sungguh engkau (pemujinya) telah mengetahui keadaan pihak yang engkau puji itu secara dhahir-nya, dan engkau kosong dari pengetahuan yang tidak engkau ketahui tentang pengujian semestinya terhadap agamanya. Pemberitahuan orang yang memujinya tentang terpujinya orang tersebut tidak pula me-nafi-kan kejujuran pihak pencela dalam apa yang ia beritakan. Oleh karena itu celaan terhadap seseorang itu lebih diutamakam dari pujian terhadapnya. <br /><br />7. Mengambil ilmu dan riwayat dari ahlul bidah adalah tugas para ulama dan bukan tugas orang awam atau orang yang baru belajar agama. Imam Al-khatib al-Baghdadi meriwayatkan bahwa Imam Malik bin Anas trÌ tnÛ¯æÈÀ menyatakan: Sesungguhnya ilmi ini (As-Sunnah) adalah agama, maka telitilah dari siapa kamu mengambil agamamu. Imam al-Barbahari meriwayatkan ucapan Sufyan Ats-Tsauri : Barang siapa yang cenderung mendengar dengan telinganya kepada ahli bidah, berarti dia keluar dari jaminan perlindungan Allah. Dan Allah serahkan dia kepadanya (bidah).(Syarh Sunnah Al-Barbahari, hal. 137 dengan tahqiq Abu Yasir Khalid bin qosim Ar Radadi). Imam Ibnu Baththah dalam Al-Ibanah, jilid I, halaman 205-206, riwayat ke 44 membawakan perkataan Amr bin Qois Al-Malai: Apabila engkau melihat seorang anak muda di awal pertumbuhannya bersama Ahlus Sunnah maka kuatkanlah bagi masa depannya yang baik dan apabila engkau melhat ia bersama ahli bidah, maka putus asalah darinya (putus asa mengharapkan kebaikannya), karena anak muda itu keadaannya berdasarkan awal pertumbuhannya. <br /><br />8. Mencintai atau membela dan memuliakan ahlul bidah adalah suatu penyimpangan manhaj yang sangat berbahaya dan merupakan dosa yang besar dan keji. Imam Ibnul Jauzi Abul Faraj Al-Baghdadi meriwayatkan sabda Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam dari Aisyah Radhiallahu Anha, yang artinya : Barangsiapa menghormati ahlul bidah maka sungguh ia telah membantu untuk meruntuhkan Islam.(Talbis Iblis, hal. 14). Berkata Syaikh Ali Hasan Abdul Hamid dalam Al-Muntaqa An-Nafis, hal. 37 Hadits ini hasan In sya Allah. Berkata Syaikhul Islam ketika membantah Al-Ittihadiyah (wihdatul wujud): Wajib menghukum setiap orang yang menisbahkan diri kepada mereka, membela serta memuji mereka, mengagungkan buku-buku mereka atau diketahui membantu dan menolong mereka, tidak suka berbicara tentang (kejelekan) mereka atau mencari alasan bagi keringanan perbuatan mereka dengan dalih bahwa ucapan mereka tidak dapat dipahami atau berkata dengan meragukan pengarang yang namanya tercantum dalam kitab mereka yang sesat itu. Alasan-alasan seperti ini tidak akan diucapkan, kecuali oleh orang yamg bodoh atau munafik. Bahkan wajib menghukum setiap orang yang mengetahui keadaan mereka tetapi tidak membantu menegakkan hujah untuk membantah mereka karena membantah mereka adalah kewajiban terbesar disebabkan mereka telah merusak akal dan agama orang banyak, para Syaikh dan ulama serta para raja dan penguasa. Mereka telah membuat kerusakkan di muka bumi dan menghalangi orang dari jalan Allah.(Fatawa, juz II/132). Penutup Demikianlah manhaj salaf yang kami saripatikan dari keterangan para ulama salafus shalih. Dengan dasar manhaj ini kami berupaya menggalang persatuan dan menegakkan al-wala wal bara. Adapun dengan manhaj ini kami dianggap bodoh, suka mencap orang dengan tuduhan bidah dan sesat, suka membuat perpecahan, anti persatuan dan ukhuwah Islamiyah, kami serahkan semua tuduhan itu kepada Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala. <br /><br />Kami tetap berdoa kepada Allah, semoga kami mendapat petunjuk dari Allah dan istiqomah di atas jalan-Nya dengan menggali ilmu salafus shalih, mengamalkan dan mengajarkannya kepada segenap kaum muslimin dan bahkan segenap umat manusia. Kami juga memohon kepada Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala. agar orang-orang yang berada dalam penyimpangan mendapat petunjuk dan ampunan Allah, sehingga kita semua dipersatukan oleh Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala. di jalan-Nya dan kemudian dibangkitkan di hari kiamat bersama para shahabat Nabi Shallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam, tabiin dan tabiut tabiinanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-70597239138388141782010-08-30T20:09:00.002-07:002010-08-30T20:12:01.047-07:00di tengah perpecahan umatDi Tengah Iftiraqul Ummah (Perpecahan Umat) <br />Posted by admin <br />22/10/2005 2216 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Mengapa umat Islam berpecah? Bukankah Islam agama yang haq? Bagaimana kita menyikapi perpecahan ummat? Apa yang harus kita lakukan? Berikut ulasannya <br /> <br /> <br />“Beruntunglah orang-orang asing yang mereka memperbaiki apa-apa yang telah dirusak oleh manusia sesudahku dari sunnahku.” (HR At-Tirmidzi) <br /><br />Iftiraqul ummah adalah takdir Allah <br />Iftiraqul ummah (perpecahan umat) adalah sebuah takdir Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala yang pasti terjadi. Sebagaimana telah disebutkan dalam beberapa hadits yang mutawatir: <br />“Terpecah umat Yahudi menjadi tujuh puluh satu golongan, dan terpecah umat Nashrani menjadi tujuh puluh dua golongan, dan akan terpecah umat ini menjadi tujuh puluh tiga golongan.” (1) <br /><br />Bukti kebenaran akan hadits ini, telah mulai tampak ketika munculnya pemahaman sesat akidah Saba’iyah (akidah Khawarij dan Syi’ah). Inilah hal pertama yang didengar kaum muslimin, dan didengar pula oleh para shahabat tentang akidah iftiraq dan benih-benih firqah di kalangan muslimin yang ditiupkan oleh para pemeluknya. Dan benih-benih iftiraq ini terus tumbuh dan berkembang hingga munculnya firqah-firqah Qadariyah, Jahmiyyah, Mu’tazilah, dan lain sebagainya. Dan sungguh, hal yang demikian ini terus menerus terjadi hingga masa sekarang. Hal ini semakin tampak nyata dengan lahirnya harakah-harakah dengan membawa fikrah masing-masing. <br /><br />Mensikapi iftiraqul ummah <br />Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala yang telah mentakdirkan terjadinya iftiraqul ummah telah memberikan bimbingan agar umat tidak tenggelam dalam fitnah ini. Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam telah bersabda: <br />“ … Barangsiapa di antara kalian berumur panjang, niscaya akan melihat perselisihan yang banyak. Maka tetaplah kalian berpegang teguh dengan sunnahku dan sunnah khulafaur rasyidin yang mendapat petunjuk. …”(2) <br /><br />1. Maka sikap kita yang pertama adalah tetap bepegangan pada sunnah Rasulullah saw dan para khulafaur rasyidin yang mendapatkan petunjuk. <br /><br />Maka dalam memahami dien ini kita harus senantiasa meruju’ kepada apa yang telah disampaikan oleh Rasulullah saw dengan pemahaman para shahabat radhiyallaahu ‘anhum ajma’in. Walaupun pemahaman itu berbeda dan ditentang oleh kebanyakan manusia, maka tetaplah berpegangan kepadanya. Sungguh Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam telah memberitakan bahwa Islam ini pada awal kedatangannya adalah asing dan pada suatu saat nanti akan kembali dianggap asing (diriwayatkan oleh Muslim dalam Shahih-nya: (145) dari Abu Hurairah), sebuah keadaan dimana orang-orang yang berpegang teguh dengan sunnah seakan menggenggam bara api, barangsiapa beramal pada hari-hari semacam ini maka pahalanya seperti pahala amalan 50 orang shahabat radhiyallaahu ‘anhum ajma’in, sebagaimana telah disebutkan dalam hadits-hadits yang masyhur: <br />“Akan suatu pada manusia suatu jaman, orang yang sabar (istiqamah) di atas agamanya pada jaman ini seperti memegang bara api.”(3) <br /><br />“Sesungguhnya di belakang kalian ada suatu hari, kesabaran di dalamnya seperti memegang bara api, orang yang beramal pada hari-hari semacam ini pahalanya seperti 50 orang yang beramal seperti amalnya kalian.”(4) <br /><br />Berkata Ath-Thibi tentang hadits ini: “Maknanya sebagaimana tidak mampunya seorang pemegang bara api untuk sabar karena menghanguskan tangannya seperti itu pula keadaan seorang yang beragama, pada hari itu, tidak mampu untuk tetap di atas agamanya karena banyaknya pelaku maksiat dan pelaku maksiat, tersebarnya kafasikan dan lemahnya iman.” <br /><br />Berkata pula Al Qari: “Yang jelas bahwa makna hadits adalah sebagaimana tidak mungkin bagi seseorang untuk memegang bara api kecuali dengan kesabaran yang besar dan menanggung banyak kesusahan. Demikian pula di jaman itu tidak akan tergambar dalam benak seseorang untuk menjaga agamanya dan cahaya imannya kecuali dengan kesabaran yang besar.” <br /><br />Akan tetapi, walaupun demikian keadaannya, Allah yang Maha Berkuasa atas segala-galanya tidak akan membiarkan umat ini musnah dari muka bumi. Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br />“Senantiasa ada sekelompok dari umatku yang terang-terangan di atas kebenaran, tidak mencelakakan mereka orang yang mencemoohnya sampai datang urusan Allah dan mereka dalam keadaan demikian”(5) <br /><br />2. Hal kedua yang harus kita lakukan ketika fitnah ini terjadi adalah tinggalkan semua golongan (firqah) yang ada, sebagaimana diriwayatkan dari Hudzaifah: <br />“Bahwasanya ketika manusia bertanya kepada Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam tentang kebaikan, aku bertanya kepada beliau tentang kejelekan, karena khawatir akan menimpa diriku, maka aku berkata, “Wahai Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam sesungguhnya kami dahulu dalam keadaan jahiliyah dan kejelekan, maka Allah datangkan kepada kami kebaikan, maka apakah setelah kebaikan ini ada kejelekan?” Beliau menjawab, “Ya”. Maka aku berkata, “Apakah setelah kejelekan itu ada kebaikan?” Beliau menjawab, “Ya, tapi padanya ada dakhan (kotoran)”. Aku berkata, “Apa dakhannya?”. Beliau menjawab, “Kaum yang mengerjakan sunnah bukan dengan sunnahku, dan memberi petunjuk bukan dengan petunjukku, engkau kenali mereka tapi engkau ingkari”. Maka aku berkata, “Apakah setelah kebaikan tersebut akan muncul kejelekan lagi?” Beliau menjawab, “Ya, adanya dai-dai yang berada di atas pintu jahannam, barangsiapa yang memenuhi panggilannya akan dilemparkan ke neraka jahannam”. Aku berkata, “Wahai Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam terangkan ciri-ciri mereka”. Beliau berkata, “Mereka adalah suatu kaum yang kulitnya sama dengan kulit kita, bahasanya juga sama dengan bahasa kita”. Aku berkata, “Apa yang engkau perintahkan jika aku mengalami jaman seperti itu?” Beliau berkata, “Berpeganglah dengan jama/ah muslimin dan imam mereka”. Aku bertanya, “Bagaimana jika tidak ada jama’ah dan imam?” Beliau menjawab, “Tinggalkan semua firqah, meskipun kamu harus menggigit akar pohon hingga kamu mati dan kamu dalam keadaan seperti itu .”(6) <br /><br />3.Hal ketiga adalah senantiasa menyeru manusia kepada al haqq, saling bertawashaw bil haqq wa tawashaw bish-shabr (saling menasihati dengan kebenaran dan saling menasihati dengan kesabaran). Inilah kewajiban yang tetap ada pada diri kaum muslimin kepada sesama mereka sebagaimana yang diperintahkan oleh Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla: Dan saling nasihat-menasihatilah engkau dengan kebenaran dan dengan kesabaran.’ (QS Al ‘Ashr: 4) <br /><br />Dalam mensikapi perbedaan pemahaman yang ada, maka kewajiban ini tetap wajib diamalkan. Bukan seperti pendapat sebagian orang, “Kita bekerjasama terhadap apa-apa yang kita sepakati dan kita saling tasamuh (toleransi) terhadap perbedaan yang ada.” Perkataan ini benar jika perbedaan yang ada adalah hal-hal yang memang merupakan ikhtilaf tanawu’ yang bisa ditolerir, sedangkan untuk perkara yang telah menjadi ijma’ aimmah ahlus sunnah wal jama’ah dan kaum muslimin, maka tidak ada lagi kata tasamuh. Mereka harus diberi peringatan, ditegakkan hujjah kepada mereka (iqamatul hujjah) dan jika tetap tidak mau mengikuti pemahaman yang lurus, maka mereka wajib diberi sangsi dan umat harus ditahdzir akan kesesatan yang ada pada mereka serta bahayanya bergaul dengan mereka. Sebagaimana Abu Bakar Ash Shiddiq radhiyallaahu ‘anhu telah memerangi orang-orang yang enggan membayar zakat. <br /><br />Sedangkan jika perbedaan pemahaman yang ada seputar masalah fiqih atau pun hal-hal yang lain sifatnya ijtihadiyah, maka wajib di antara muslimin untuk mempertemukan perbedaan itu dan berusaha semaksimal mungkin untuk mencari yang lebih dekat kepada al-haqq. Jika upaya ini tetap tidak bisa mempersatukan pemahaman yang ada, maka hendaknya masing-masing memahami menurut keyakinan masing-masing tanpa saling cela, saling caci, dan tetap saling menghormati. Sebagaimana yang telah banyak dipraktekkan pada shahabat. Sebagai contoh: ketika dalam penyerangan Bani Quraidhah. Sewaktu hendak berangkat Nabi shalallaahu’alaihi wa sallam berpesan agar para shahabat tidak shalat kecuali setelah tiba di tujuan. Tapi ternyata sebelum sampai di perkampungan Bani Quraidhah waktu shalat Ashar sudah tiba. Maka sebagian shahabat mengerjakan shalat di tengah perjalanan, dengan alasan Nabi shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam tidak menyuruh mengakhirkan shalat. Yang lain memegangi ucapan Nabi shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, yakni tidak mengerjakan shalat hingga tiba di tujuan, walau sudah habis waktunya. Ketika yang demikian sampai kepada Nabi shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam maka beliau tidak mencela satu pun dari keduanya.(7) <br /><br />Demikian pula ketika Ibnu Mas’ud berbeda pendapat dengan Ubay bin Ka’ab tentang sahkah shalat dengan memakai satu baju? Maka ketika mendengar perdebatan mereka Umaa keluar dengan marah dan berkata: “Dua orang dari Rasulullah saw telah berselisih, yaitu di antara orang-orang yang memperhatikan Rasul dan mengambil dari Rasul. Ubay benar dan Ibnu Mas’ud tidak lalai. Akan tetapi aku tidak mau mendengar ada orang yang berselisih tentang hal itu setelah ini, kecuali aku mengerjakannya begini dan begitu.”(8) <br /><br />4.Hal keempat yang mesti kita lakukan di tengah iftiraqul ummah ini adalah tetap berupaya untuk menjaga persatuan di antara kaum muslimin. Walaupun iftiraqul ummah adalah sebuah kepastian dan bagaimana pun usaha kita untuk mencegahnya maka iftiraqul ummah ini tetap akan terjadi, akan tetapi hal ini tidaklah menafikan kewajiban kita untuk tetap berpegang teguh kepada tali Allah dan menjaga persatuan di kalangan umat Islam. <br />Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala memerintahkan: “Dan berpegang teguhlah kalian kepada tali Allah seluruhnya, dan hangan berpecah belah.” (QS Ali Imran: 103) <br /><br />Ibnu Katsir rahimahullah berkata bahwa yang dimaksud dengan tali Allah adalah janji Allah. Dikatakan pula bahwa tali Allah ialah Al Qur’an. Sedangkan lafazh walaa tafarraquu (jangan berpecah belah) menunjukkan perintah untup berjama’ah dan melarang perpecahan.(9) <br /><br />Dan perintah bersatu di sini bukanlah persatuan telompok (firqah) tertentu yang kemudian saling membanggakan kelompoknya masing-masing. Dan menganggap yang di luar kelompoknya berarti bukan saudaranya dan lantas disikapi dengan sikap seperti orang kafir. Akan tetapi adalah kesatuan kaum muslimin yang berlandaskan aqidah dan manhaj ahlus sunnah wal jama’ah. Wallaahu a’lam bish shawab. <br /><br />Penjelasan tentang haditsul iftiraq <br />Terkait masalah haditsul iftiraq, dimana umat ini akan terpecah menjadi tujuh puluh tiga golongan yang mereka semua berada di dalam neraka, kecuali satu yang selamat yakni Al Jama’ah. Maka jumhur ulama mengatakan, bahwa masuknya mereka ke dalam neraka ini tidaklah kekal, akan tetapi hanya sementara. Jadi, bid’ah-bid’ah yang ada pada diri mereka tidaklah menyebabkan mereka keluar dari Islam, bid’ah itu tidak sampai menjatuhkan mereka dalam kekufuran (bid’ah mukaffirah) akan tetapi hanya sampai pada tingkatan fusuq (bid’ah muharramah). Maka mereka tetaplah muslimin, sehingga tetap ada kewajiban untuk berwala’ terhadap mereka dan ada pula kewajiban bara’ terhadap meruka sesuai dengan tingkad penyimpangan yang ada pada mereka. <br /><br />Panitia Tetap Al Buhuts Al Ilmiyah Wal Ifta yang terdiri dari: Syaikh Abdul Azis bin Abdullah bin Bbz, Syaikh Abdurrazaq Al Afify, Syaikh Abdullah bin Ghadyan, dan Syaikh Abdullah bin Qu’ud memfatwakan mengenai harakah-harakah yang ada saat ini, “… secara umum, setiap jama’ah mempunyai kesalahan dan kebenaran. Anda boleh bergaul dengan jama’ah manapun selagi di sana ada kebenaran dan menghindari jama’ah yang banyak kesalahannya. Tetapi tetap harus saling memberi nasihat, saling tolong-menolong dalam kebaikan dan takwa.”(10) <br /><br />Maka para ulama menasihatkan kepada para ahlul ‘ilm untuk turut bersama mereka dan meluruskan mereka dari penyimpangan-penyimpangan yang ada. Sebagaimana dikatakan oleh Syaikh Abdul Azis bin Abdullah bin Baz rahimahullaah, “…Jika manusia memiliki ilmu dan pemahaman keluar bersama mereka untuk menyampaikan ilmu dan pengingkaran dan nasihat kepada kebaikan serta mengajari mereka sampai mereka itu meninggalkan madzhab bathilnya dan meyakini madzhab Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jama’ah maka diperbolehkan.” <br /><br />Dan sungguh, hanya Allahlah yang Maha Mengetahui siapajah di antara harakah-harakah yang ada yang paling dekat kepada kebenaran. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala berfirman: <br />“Katakanlah: ‘Apakah akan Kami beritahukan kepadamu tentang orang-orang yang paling merugi perbuatannya? Yaitu orang-orang yang telah sia-sia perbuatannya dalam kehidupan dunia ini, sedangkan mereka menyangka bahwa mereka berbuat sebaik-baiknya.” (QS Al Kahfi: 503-104) <br /><br />Dan demi Allah, tidak ada jaminan bagi siapa pun bahwa dialah yang berada pada kebenaran. Kewajiban kita adalah berupaya semaksimal mungkin agar selalu berada dalam shiraathal mustaqiim. <br /><br />Sebuah manhaj (metodologi) dalam memahani dien <br />Dalam meniti jalan ini, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala memberi bimbingan: <br />“… yaitu mereka yang mendengarkan perkataan yang baik, dan mengikuti yang terbaik diantaranya.” (QS Az Zumar:18) <br /><br />Maka mencari ilmu dari ahlul ilmi dari mana pun adalah sebuah kebaikan, karena hikmah itu adalah milik muslim yang hilang, maka ambillah ia dari mana pun engkau mendapatkannyu. Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam menasihatkan: “… Terimalah kebenaran itu apamila engkau mendengarkannya, karena atas kebenaran itu ada cahaya.” (11) <br /><br />Tolok ukur kita dalam menilai kebenaran, yang pertama adalah ada tidaknya dalil tentangnya karena Rasulullah saw mengatakan: “Barang siapa melakukan suatu amal yang tidak ada contohnya dari kami, maka amalan ibu tertolak.” (HR Mutafaqun ‘alaih) <br /><br />Kemudian yang kedua, sesuaikah dengan pemahaman para salafush-shalih yang Rasulullah shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam mengazakan tentang mereka: “Sebaik-baik generasi adalah generasiku, kemudian generasi orang-orang sesudahnya, dan kemudian orang-oyang yang sesudahnya.” (HR Arba’ah) <br /><br />Allah Tabaraka Wa Ta’ala pun mengatakan tentang pemahaman para shahabat radhiyallaahu ‘anhum ajma’in dengan firman-Nya: “Maka jika mereka beriman kepada apa yang kalian telah beriman kepadanya, sungguh mereka telah mendapat petunjuk; dan jika mereka berpaling, sesungguhnya mereka berada dalam permusuhan.” (QS Al Baqarah: 137) <br /><br />Seandainya apa yang kita pahami sesuai dengan pemahaman mereka maka itulah al-haqq, maka siapa pun yang berada di atas pemahaman ini maka merekalah yang disebut al-firqatun najiyah, merekalah fs-sawaadul a’zham, dan itulah al-jama’ah, sebagaimana dikatakan Nabi shalallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam: “Setiap yang mengikuti sunnahku dan para shahabatku.” ; “Kalian wajib berpegana teguh dengan sunnahku dan sunnah khulafaui rasyidin” (HR Abu Daud dan Tirmidzi). Ibnu Mas’ud radhiyallaahu ‘anhu: “Al Jama’ah itu ialah setiap yang sesuai dengan al-haqq walau engkau seorang diri.” Dalam riwayat yang lain dikatakan: “Al Jama’ah adalah siapa saja yang sesuai dengan ketaatan kepada Allah walaupun engkau sendirian.” Ibnu Khallal rahimahullaah mengatakan: “Al Jama’ah ialah Jama’atul Muslimin, yaitu para shahabat serta orang-orang yang mengikuti mereka dengan ihsan sampai Hari Akhir. Mengikuti mereka adalah hidayah dan menyelisihi mereka adalah sesat.” <br /><br />Maka barangsiapa yang mengatakan bahwa yang demikian (yakni mengambil ‘ilmu dari beberapa harakah yang ada) maka dia seperti pemulung, sungguh, dia adalah orang yang ‘sangat mengenal’ diennya sehingga dia berani menyamakan dien-nya sebagai sampah dan betapa dia sangat memuliakan harakahnya, yakni dengan menyamakannya dengan keranjang sampah yang para pemulung dapat mengambil sampah daripadanya. Allahu Ta’ala A’lamu Bish-shawab. <br /><br />Semoga Allah senantiasa membimbing umat ini agar selalu bersatu di atas bendera sunnah, dan berdiri di atas landasan aqidah ash-shahihah, serta menyeru mqnusia dengan manhaj sunnah dan di atas jalan nubuwwah. Ushikum wa nafsi bitaqwallaah. Laa haula walaa quwwata illaa billaah. <br /><br />Foot note: <br />1. Hadits ini masyhur, diriwayatkan oleh sejumlah banyak shahabat, dikeluarkan oleh imam-imam yang adil, yang hafal hadits seperti Imam Ahmad, Abu Dawud, at-Tirmidzi, Ibnu Majah, al-Hakim, Ibnu Hibban, Abu Ya’la al Muushili, Ibnu Abi Ashim, Ibnu Bathah, al-Ajiri, ad-Darimi dan al-Lalikai. Juga dishahihkan oleh sejumlah besar ahli ilmu, seperti At-Tirmidzi, Al-Hakim, Adz-Dzahabi, As-Suyuti, dan Asy-Syatibi. <br />2. HR Nasa’I dan Tirmidzi: HASAN SHAHIH. Lihat Kitab Firqah Najiyah oleh Syaikh Jamil Zainu. <br />3. Dikeluarkan oleh At Tirmidzi: (2260) dan Ibnu Baththah dalam Al Ibanah Al Kubra: (195) dari Anas radhiyallaahu ‘anhu.. <br />4. Al Baghawi dalam Syarhus Sunnah: (XIV/344) dan dalam tafsir: (III/110) dengan lafazh yang panjang. <br />5. Dikeluarkan oleh Muslim dengan lafazh ini: (1920) dan Abu Dawud: (4252) dengan tambahan: “Tidak akan memadharatkan mereka orang-orang yang menyelisihinya.”, dan tambahan yang panjang di awalnya. Dikeluarkan pula oleh At Tirmidzi: (2229) secara ringkas dan dia fenshahihkannya, dan dikeluarkan oleh Ibnu Majah dalam Al Muqaddimah: (10) dengan lafazx yang panjang dan dikeluarkan oleh Imam Ahmad: (V/276) dengan lafazh yang panjang dan dalam (V/247) secara ringkas, dll. <br />6. Diriwayatkan oleh Bukhari dalam Shahih-nya, 3606, Muslim dalam Shahih-nya (1847), Imam Ahmad dengan panjang (V/386), 403 dan secara ringkas (V/391,396), dengan ringkas dengan lafazh-lafazh yang berbeda-beda (V/494), Abu Dawud As-Sijistani (3244), dengan lafazh berbeda (4246) dan An-Nasa’I dalam Al Kubra (V/17,18). <br />7. Lihat: Al Jami’ush Shahih Bukhari-Muslim. <br />8. Ibnu ‘Abdi ‘l-Bar di dalam Jami’u Bayani ‘l ‘Ilmi, 2/83-84 <br />9. Lihat: Tafsir Ibnu Katsir Juz 1. <br />10. Lihat: Al jama’ah Menurut Ulama Salaf dan Khalaf oleh DR Abdur-Rahman bin Khalifah Asy-Syayaji. Terdapat dalam kaset Ta’qieb Samahatul ‘Allamah Abdul ‘Aziz bin Baz ‘ala Nadwah (ad-Du’at), lihat kitab An-Nashrul ‘Aaiz hal 173 oleh Syaikh Rabi’ bin Hadi Al Madkhali hafizhahullaah. <br />11. Syaikh Al-‘Allamah Ay-Mujaddid Muhammad Nashiruddin Al-Albani rahimahullah menyatakan tentang hadits ini: “Shahih, sanadnya mauquf (yakni ucapan Mu’adz).” Terdapat dalam Shahih Abi Dawud, jilid 3, hal 872, hadits ke 3855.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-46094941494985598052010-08-30T20:09:00.001-07:002010-08-30T20:09:48.638-07:00talbis iblis pd ulamaTalbis Iblis terhadap Para Ulama <br />Posted by admin <br />21/10/2005 2100 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Di antara manusia ada yang memiliki hasrat dan semangat yang tinggi, sehingga mereka bisa mendalami berbagai cabang ilmu syariat, berupa ilmu Al-Qur`an, hadits, fiqih dan sastra. Lalu Iblis mendatangi mereka dengan talbis-nya yang lembut, sambil membisikkan kesombongan kepada mereka, karena mereka bisa mendalami berbagai macam ilmu dan bisa mengulurkan manfaat kepada orang lain. <br /> <br /> <br />Di antara manusia ada yang memiliki hasrat dan semangat yang tinggi, sehingga mereka bisa mendalami berbagai cabang ilmu syariat, berupa ilmu Al-Qur`an, hadits, fiqih dan sastra. Lalu Iblis mendatangi mereka dengan talbis-nya yang lembut, sambil membisikkan kesombongan kepada mereka, karena mereka bisa mendalami berbagai macam ilmu dan bisa mengulurkan manfaat kepada orang lain. Di antara mereka ada yang tidak pernah bosan menggali ilmu dan merasakan kenikmatan dalam penggalian ini, yang tentu saja karena bisikan Iblis. Iblis bertanya kepadanya, Sampai kapan engkau merasa letih melakukan semua ini? Tenangkan badanmu dalam memikul beban ini dan lapangkan hatimu dalam menikmati ilmu. Karena jika engkau melakukan kesalahan, maka ilmu dapat membebaskan dirimu dari hukuman. Lalu Iblis membisikinya tentang kelebihan yang dimiliki para ulama. Jika seseorang terkecoh dan menerima bisikan serta talbis Iblis ini, maka dia akan celaka. <br />Jika setuju, maka dia dapat berkata, Jawaban atas pernyataanmu dapat ditinjau dari tiga sisi: <br /><br />l. Memang para ulama diutamakan karena ilmu. Namun andaikan tidak ada amal, maka ilmu itu tidak ada artinya apa-apa. Jika aku tidak mengamalkannya, berarti aku sama dengan orang yang tidak mengerti maksudnya, hingga keadaan diriku tak ubahnya orang yang mengumpulkan makanan dan memberikan makanan itu kepada orang-orang yang kelaparan, tapi dia sendiri tidak makan dan tidak mempergunakan makanan itu untuk menghilangkan rasa laparnya. <br /><br />2. Dapat menyanggahnya dengan celaan yang ditujukan kepada orang yang tidak mengamalkan ilmu, seperti kisah Rasulullah Shallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam tentang seseorang yang dilemparkan ke dalam neraka, lalu ususnya terburai, seraya berkata, Dulu aku menyuruh kepada yang ma`ruf namun aku justru tidak melaksanakannya, dan aku mencegah dari yang` mungkar, namun justru aku melaksanakannya. (Diriwayatkan Al-Bukhary dan Muslim). <br /><br />Abud-Darda` Radhiyallahu Anhu berkata, Celaka bagi orang yang tidak berilmu (sekali), dan kecelakaan bagi orang yang berilmu namun tidak beramal (tujuh kali). <br /><br />3. Menyebutkan hukuman bagi orang-orang yang berilmu, karena tidak mau mengamalkan ilmunya, seperti Iblis dan lain-lainnya. Celaan terhadap orang yang berilmu namun tidak beramal adalah dengan firman Allah, <br />Seperti keledai yang membawa kitab-kitab yang tebal. (Al-Jumu`ah: 5). <br /><br />Iblis memperdayai orang-orang yang mendalami ilmu dan juga beramal dari sisi lain. Iblis membaguskan di hadapan mereka sikap sombong karena ilmu, dengki terhadap saingan, riya` dalam mencari kedudukan. Kadang-kadang Iblis menunjukkan kepada mereka, bahwa yang demikian itu termasuk hak yang wajib mereka lakukan. Jika tidak melakukannya, justru mereka melakukan suatu kesalahan. <br /><br />Jalan keluar bagi siapa yang enggan melihat dosa takabur, dengki dan riya`, bahwa iimu tidak bisa menghalangi akibat dari hal-hal itu, bahkan hukumannya berlipat karena kelipatan hujjah hukuman itu. Siapa yang melihat sirah para ulama salaf yang juga aktif beramal, tentu akan memandang hina dirinya sendiri dan tidak berani takabur. Siapa yang mengetahui Allah, tentu tidak akan berbuat riya`, dan siapa yang memperhatikan takdir Allah yang ditetapkan menurut kehendak-Nya, maka dia tidak akan berani mendengki. <br /><br />Iblis menyusup ke dalam diri mereka sambil membawa syubhat dengan cara yang pintar, seraya berkata, Yang kalian cari adalah ketinggian kedudukan dan bukan takabur, karena kalian adalah para pembawa syariat. Yang kalian cari adalah kemuliaan agama dan memberantas ahli bid`ah. Jika kalian membicarakan orang-orang yang dengki, akan menimbulkan kemarahan terhadap syariat. Sebab para pendengki itu suka mencela siapa pun yang menghadapi mereka. Jadi apa yang kalian kira sebagai riya`, sama sekali bukan riya`. Sebab siapa pun di antara kalian akan menjadi panutan, sekalipun dia hanya berpura-pura khusyu` dan pura-pura menangis, sebagaimana dokter yang menjadi panutan orang yang sakit. <br /><br />Talbis Iblis ini baru terungkap, jika ada seseorang di antara mereka yang bersikap sombong kepada yang lain atau menampakkan kedengkian kepadanya, maka ulama itu tidak marah kepadanya seperti kemarahannya jika kesombongan atau kedengkian itu tertuju kepada dirinya, sekalipun mereka semua termasuk dalam jajaran ulama. <br /><br />Iblis juga memperdayai orang-orang yang menekuni ilmu, sehingga mereka senantiasa berjaga pada malam hari dan tekun pada siang hari dalam menyusun kitab. Iblis membisikkan kepada mereka bahwa maksud perbuatan ini ialah menyebarkan agama. Padahal maksud mereka yang sesungguhnya adalah agar namanya terkenal dan statusnya sebagai penulis menjadi tenar. Talbis Iblis ini tersingkap, tatkala orang-orang memanfaatkan karangannya dan membacanya, sementara karangan orang lain tidak dibaca, maka dia merasa senang, sekalipun memang tujuannya untuk menyebarkan ilmu. Di antara orang salaf ada yang berkata, Apa pun ilmu yang kumiliki, lalu ada yang memanfaatkannya, sekalipun tanpa menisbatkannya kepada diriku, maka aku merasa senang. <br /><br />Di antaranya ada yang merasa senang karena banyak pengikutnya. Iblis menciptakan talbis, bahwa kesenangan ini karena banyaknya orang yang mencari ilmu. Padahal dia senang karena banyak yang menyebut nama dirinya. Dia merasa ujub karena perkataan dan i1mu mereka yang ditimba darinya. Talbis Iblis ini tersingkap, ketika ada di antara mereka yang memisahkan diri darinya lalu bergabung dengan ulama lain yang lebih tenar darinya, maka dia merasa berat hati. Yang demikian ini bukan merupakan sifat orang-orang yang tulus dalam mengajarkan ilmu. Perumpamaan orang yang tulus dalam mengajar ialah seperti para dokter yang mengobati beberapa pasien karena Allah. Jika sebagian pasien itu ada yang sembuh, maka yang lain merasa senang. <br /><br />Ada para ulama yang selamat dari talbis Iblis yang nyata. Tapi Iblis tetap mendatangi mereka dengan talbis-nya yang tersembunyi, seraya berkata kepadanya, Aku tidak pernah bertemu seseorang seperti dirimu. Jika ulama itu senang dengan ucapan semacam ini, maka dia telah melakukan kesalahan karena ujub. Jika tidak, berarti dia telah selamat. <br /><br />As-Sary As-Sagathy berkata, Andaikan seseorang memasuki sebuah kebun yang di dalamnya ada semua pepohonan yang diciptakan Allah, ada semua burung yang diciptakan Allah, lalu makhluk-makhluk itu berkata kepadanya dengan bahasanya masing-masing, Wahai wali Allah`, lalu dia merasa senang mendengarnya, maka dia menjadi tawanan di tangan makhluk-makhluk itu.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-46926870051241081182010-08-30T20:08:00.001-07:002010-08-30T20:08:14.621-07:00hukum kambang dan juenggotHukum berkaitan dengan Jambang dan Jenggot <br />Posted by admin <br />08/02/2006 1737 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Hukum berkaitan dengan Jambang dan Jenggot <br /> <br /> <br />Hadits-Hadits Yang Mewajibkan Memelihara Janggut Atau Jambang <br /><br />Antara hadith-hadith sahih dari Nabi s.a.w yang menunjukkan wajibnya memelihara janggut dan jambang kemudian mewajibkan orang-orang lelaki beriman supaya memotong atau menipiskan misai mereka serta pengharaman dari mencukur atau memotong janggut mereka ialah: <br /><br />Abdullah bin Umar berkata : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Janganlah kamu menyerupai orang-orang Musyrikin, peliharalah janggut kamu dan tipiskanlah misai (kumis) kamu. H/R al Bukhari, Muslim dan al Baihaqi. <br /><br />Dari Abi Imamah : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Potonglah misai kamu dan peliharalah janggut kamu, tinggalkan (jangan meniru) Ahl al-Kitab. Hadith sahih, H/R Ahmad dan at Tabrani. <br /><br />Dari Aisyah berkata : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Sepuluh perkara dari fitrah (dari sunnah nabi-nabi) di antaranya ialah mencukur misai dan memelihara janggut. <br />H/R Ahmad, Muslim, Abu Daud, at Turmizi, an Nasaii dan Ibn Majah. <br /><br />Bagi individu yang menjiwai hadith di atas pasti mampu memahami bahawa Nabi Muhammad s.a.w melarang setiap mukmin dari meniru atau menyerupai suluk (tatacara) orang-orang kafir sama ada dari golongan Yahudi, Nasrani, Majusi atau munafik. Antara penyerupaan yang dilarang oleh baginda ialah berupa pengharaman ke atas setiap orang lelaki yang beriman dari mencukur janggut dan jambang mereka. Kemudian baginda melarang pula dari memelihara misai (kumis) kerana dengan memelihara misai kemudian mencukur janggut telah menyerupai perbuatan semua golongan orang-orang kafir. Antara motif utama dari larangan baginda itu ialah agar orang-orang yang beriman dapat mengekalkan sunnah supaya tidak mudah pupus di samping mengharamkan setiap orang yang beriman dari meniru tata-etika, amalan dan tata-cara orang-orang kafir atau jahiliah. <br /><br />Larangan yang berupa penegasan dari syara ini telah dijelaskan oleh Nabi Muhammad s.a.w melalui hadith-hadith baginda. Terlalu sukar untuk ditolak atau dinafikan tentang pengharaman mencukur janggut ini kerana terlalu banyak hadith-hadith sahih yang telah membuktikannya dengan terang tentang pengharaman tersebut. <br /><br />Memang tidak dapat diragukan, antara penyerupaan yang diharamkan oleh Nabi Muhammad s.a.w ialah meniru perbuatan orang-orang kafir yang kebanyakan dari mereka lebih gemar mencukur janggut dan jambang mereka kemudian membiarkan (memelihara) misai mereka sebagai hiasan. Ketegasan larangan mencukur janggut yang membawa kepada penyerupaan masih dapat difahami melalui hadith-hadith baginda yang seterusnya sebagaimana di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dari Ibn Umar ra berkata : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Sesiapa yang menyerupai satu satu kaum, maka ia telah menjadi golongan mereka. H/R Ahmad, Abu Daud dan at Tabrani. <br /><br />Dari Abi Hurairah ra : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Bahawasanya ahli syirik memelihara misainya dan memotong janggutnya, maka janganlah meniru mereka, peliharalah janggut kamu dan potonglah misai kamu. H/R al Bazzar. <br /><br />Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Janganlah kamu meniru (menyerupai) orang-orang Majusi (penyembah berhala) kerana mereka itu memotong (mencukur) janggut mereka dan memanjangkan (memelihara) misai mereka. H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Tipiskanlah misai kamu dan peliharalah janggut kamu. Di riwayat yang lain pula : Potonglah misai kamu dan peliharalah janggut kamu. H/R al Bukhari. <br /><br />Dari Abi Hurairah berkata : Telah bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Di antara fitrah dalam Islam ialah memotong misai dan memelihara janggut, bahawasanya orang-orang Majusi memelihara misai mereka dan memotong janggut mereka, maka janganlah kamu menyerupai mereka, hendaklah kamu potong misai kamu dan peliharalah janggut kamu. H/R Ibn Habban. <br /><br />Dari Abdullah bin Umar berkata : Pernah disebut kepada Rasulullah s.a.w seorang Majusi maka beliau bersabda : Mereka (orang-orang Majusi) memelihara misai mereka dan mencukur janggut mereka, maka (janganlah menyerupai cara mereka) tinggalkan cara mereka. H/R al Baihaqi. <br /><br />Dari Ibn Umar ra berkata : Kami diperintah supaya memelihara janggut. <br />H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Dari Abi Hurairah : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Cukurlah misai kamu dan peliharalah janggut kamu. H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Dari Abi Hurairah berkata : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Peliharalah janggut kamu dan cukurlah misai kamu, janganlah kamu meniru (menyerupai) Yahudi dan Nasrani. H/R Ahmad. <br /><br />Dari Ibn Abbas berkata : Bersabda Rasulullah s.a.w : Janganlah kamu meniru (menyerupai) Ajam (orang asing dan kafir), maka peliharalah janggut kamu. <br />H/R al Bazzar. <br /><br />Jumhur ulama (ulama tafsir, hadith dan fiqah) menegaskan bahawa suruhan yang terdapat pada hadith-hadith (tentang janggut) adalah menunjukkan suruhan yang wajib bukan sunnah kerana ia menggunakan lafaz atau kalimah (ÕíÛÉ ÇáÇãÑ) : nada (gaya) suruhan yang tegas, jelas (dan diulang-ulang). <br />Lihat : (ÊÝÓíÑ ÇáäÕæÕ) Adib Saleh. Jld. 2 m/s 241. <br /><br />Larangan Nabi Muhammad s.a.w agar orang-orang yang beriman tidak mencukur janggut mereka dan tidak menyerupai Yahudi, Nasrani atau Majusi telah dilahirkan oleh baginda melalui sabdanya dengan beberapa gaya bahasa dan ungkapan yang jelas, terang dan tegas. Sebagaimana hadith-hadith sahih di bawah ini: <br /><br />Janganlah kamu menyerupai orang-orang Musyrikin, peliharalah janggut kamu. <br />H/R al-Bukhari dan Muslim. <br /><br />Tinggalkan cara mereka (jangan meniru orang-orang musyrik) peliharalah janggut kamu dan cukurlah misai kamu. H/R al-Bazzar. <br /><br />Tinggalkan cara Majusi (jangan meniru Majusi). H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Dan janganlah kamu sekalian menyerupai Yahudi dan Nasrani. H/R Ahmad. <br /><br />Janganlah kamu sekalian menyerupai orang-orang yang bukan Islam, peliharalah janggut kamu. H/R al-Bazzar. <br /><br />Hadith-hadith di atas amat jelas menunjukkan bahawa Nabi Muhammad s.a.w telah mewajibkan kepada setiap orang-orang yang beriman agar memelihara janggut mereka kemudian memotong atau menipiskin misai mereka. Di samping itu mengharamkan mereka dari meniru perbuatan orang-orang kafir, sama ada golongan Yahudi, Nasrani, Majusi, munafik atau orang fasiq yang mengingkari surahan dan melanggar larangan yang terdapat di dalam hadith-hadith sahih tentang janggut dan penyerupaan sebagaimana kenyataan dari hadith-hadith sahih di atas tadi. <br /><br />Begitu juga jika diteliti beberapa hadith di atas, maka antara ketegasan hadith tersebut ialah melarang orang-orang beriman dari meniru (menyerupai) perbuatan, amalan atau tingkah laku golongan Yahudi, Nasrani, Majusi dan semua orang-orang kafir, iaitu peniruan yang dilakukan dengan cara memotong (mencukur) janggut dan kemudian memelihara pula misai (kumis). Amat jelas dalam setiap hadith di atas suruhan atau perintah dari Nabi Muhammad s.a.w agar orang-orang yang beriman memelihara janggut mereka kemudian memotong atau menipiskan misai mereka. Antara tujuan suruhan tersebut ialah supaya orang-orang yang beriman tidak menyerupai golongan orang-orang kafir tidak kira apa jenis kekafiran mereka. Nabi telah memberi peringatan melalui hadith-hadith sahihnya kepada sesiapa yang melanggar dan mengabaikan perintah syara termauklah memelihara janggut. <br /><br />Hadith dari Ibn Umar yang diriwayatkan oleh Ahmad, Abu Daud dan Tabrani yang telah dikemukakan di atas, perlu dijiwai dan dicernakan di hati setiap mukmin agar sentiasa menjadi panduan dan perisai untuk memantapkan pegangan (istiqamah) dalam memelihara hukum berjanggut. Hadith yang dimaksudkan ialah: <br /><br />Dari Ibn Umar ra berkata : Sesiapa yang menyerupai satu satu kaum, maka dia telah tergolong (agama) kaum itu. <br /><br />H/R Ahmad, Abu Daud dan at Tabrani. Menurut keterangan al-Hafiz al-Iraqi dalam (ÊÎÑíÌ ÇáÇÍíÇÁ) bahawa sanad hadith ini sahih. <br /><br />Kesahihan hadith di atas dapat memberi keyakinan dan penerangan bahawa sesiapa yang meniru atau menjadikan orang-orang jahiliah sama ada dari kalanganYahudi, Nasrani atau Majusi sebagai contoh dan mengenepikan amalan yang telah ditetapkan oleh agama Islam yang diturunkan kepada Nabi Muhammad s.a.w, maka peniru tersebut akan tetap menjadi golongan kafir yang ditiru selagi tidak bertaubat malah akan terus bersama mereka sehinggalah di akhirat. Kesahihan ini dapat dikuat dan dipastikan lagi dengan hadith sahih di bawah ini: <br /><br />Tiga jenis manusia yang dibenci oleh Allah (antara mereka) ialah penganut Islam yang masih memilih (meniru) perbuatan jahiliah. H/R al-Bukhari. <br /><br />Dalam sebuah hadith yang diriwayatkan oleh Ibn Umar, Nabi Muhammad s.a.w telah bersabda: <br />Sesiapa yang meniru (menyerupai) seperti mereka (orang-orang bukan Islam) sehingga ia mati, maka ia telah termasuk dalam golongan (mereka sehingga ke akhirat). <br /><br />Memelihara janggut adalah fitrah Islamiyah yang diamalkan oleh semua nabi-nabi, rasul-rasul a.s, para sahabat dan orang-orang yang soleh. Pengertian fitrah Islamiyah boleh difahami dari apa yang telah dijelaskan oleh Imam as Suyuti di dalam kitabnya: <br /><br />Sebaik-baik pengertian tentang fitrah boleh dikatakan bahawa ia adalah perbuatan mulia dipilih dan dilakukan oleh para nabi-nabi dan dipersetujui oleh syara sehingga menjadi seperti satu kemestian ke atasnya. <br /><br />Sirah atau sejarah semua rasul-rasul dan nabi-nabi sehinggalah ke sirah Nabi Muhammad s.a.w serta tarikh semua para sahabat terutama Khulafa ar Rasyidin telah didedahkan kepada kita bahawa mereka semua didapati memelihara janggut kerana mengimani dan mentaati setiap perintah agama dan berpegang kepada fitrah yang diturunkan kepada rasul yang diutus untuk mendidik dan menunjukkan mereka jalan kebenaran. Mereka yakin hanya dengan mentaati Nabi atau Rasulullah s.a.w dalam semua aspek akan berjaya di dunia dan di akhirat. Antara kisah nabi yang terdapat di dalam al-Quran yang disebut dengan janggut ialah kisah Nabi Harun sebagaimana firman Allah: <br /><br />Harun menjawab : Hai putera ibuku, janganlah kamu pegang janggutku dan jangan pula kepalaku. TAHA, 20:94. <br /><br />Para Isteri Nabi Muhammad s.a.w juga suka melihat Nabi berjanggut sehingga ada yang meletakkan minyak wangi di janggut dan jambang Nabi. Sebagaimana hadith sahih di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dari Aisyah Ummul Mukminin berkata : Aku mewangikan Nabi s.a.w dengan sebaik-baik wangi-wangian pada rambut dan janggutnya. Muttafiq alaihi. <br /><br />Berkata Anas bin Malik : Janggut Nabi s.a.w didapati lebat dari sini ke sini, maka diletakkan kedua tangannya di pipinya. H/R Ibn Asyakir (dalam Tarikhnya). <br /><br />Di dalam kitab (ÝÊÍ ÇáÈÇÑí) Jld. 10, M/s. 335, terdapat teks yang ditulis: <br /><br />Memelihara janggut adalah kesan peninggalan yang diwariskan oleh (Nabi) Ibrahim alaihissalam wa ala nabiyina as salatu wassalam sebagaimana dia mewariskan (wajibnya) janggut maka begitu juga (wajibnya) berkhatan. <br /><br />Dari Jabir berkata : Sesungguhnya Rasulullah lebat janggutnya. H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Dari Muamar berkata : Kami bertanya kepada Khabbab, adakah Rasulullah s.a.w membaca (al-Quran) di waktu Zuhur dan Asar? Beliau berkata : Ya! Kami bertanya, dari mana engkau tahu? Beliau menjawab : Dengan bergerak-geraknya janggut baginda. H/R al Bukhari. <br /><br />Dari Jabir berkata : Kebiasaannya Rasulullah s.a.w apabila bersikat dimulakan pada rambutnya kemudian pada janggutnya. H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Dari Umar berkata : Sesungguhnya Rasulullah s.a.w lebat janggutnya, di riwayat yang lain tebal janggutnya dan di lain riwayat pula subur janggutnya. <br /><br />H/R at Turmizi. <br /><br />Dari Anas bin Malik berkata : Sesungguhnya Rasulullah s.a.w apabila berwuduk meletakkan tapak tangannya yang berair ke bawah dagunya dan diratakan (air) di janggutnya. Beliau bersabda : Beginilah aku disuruh oleh Tuhanku. <br />H/R Abu Daud. <br /><br />Terdapat pada janggut (Nabi s.a.w) janggut yang putih. H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Tidak kelihatan uban di janggutnya kecuali sedikit. H/R Muslim. <br /><br />Rambut yang putih (uban) di kepala dan di janggut (Nabi Muhammad s.a.w) tidak melebihi dua puluh helai. H/R al-Bukhari. <br /><br />Semua Para Sahabat r.a Berjanggut <br /><br />Melalui keterangan yang diperolehi dari hadith sahih, athar dan sirah (sejarah para sahabat) terbukti tidak seorangpun dari kalangan para sahabat yang mencukur janggut mereka dan tidak seorangpun yang menghalalkan perbuatan mencukur janggut. Ini terbukti kerana didapati keseluruhan para sahabat berjanggut. Sebagaimana keterangan dari hadith-hadith di bawah ini: <br /><br />Didapati Abu Bakar lebat janggutnya, Uthman jarang (tidak lebat) janggutnya tetapi panjang, dan Ali tebal janggutnya. H/R Turmizi. <br /><br />Berkata al-Bukhari : Ibn Umar menipiskan misainya sehingga kelihatan kulitnya yang putih dan memelihara janggut dan jambangnya. Lihat: Fathulbari, jild 10, m/s 334. <br /><br />Semasa Ibn Umar mengerjakan haji atau umrah, beliau menggenggam janggutnya, mana yang lebih (dari genggamannya) dipotong. H/R al-Bukhari. <br /><br />Hadith-hadith di atas bukan sahaja menjelaskan suatu contoh perbuatan Nabi Muhammad, para nabi sebelum baginda dan juga para sahabat yang semua mereka memelihara janggut. Malah hadith-hadith di atas juga merupakan lanjutan yang berupa suruhan dari nabi-nabi dan rasul-rasul sebelum Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. <br /><br />Nabi Muhammad s.a.w meneruskan suruhan (lanjutan) tersebut ke atas orang-orang yang beriman supaya memelihara janggut mereka. Anehnya, dalam hal suruhan yang nyata ini dirasakan sukar difahami oleh segolongan para mufti, kadi, imam, ustaz dan alim ulama yang bertibaran di negara ini. Apakah mereka tidak pernah terjumpa (terbaca) walaupun sepotong dari beberapa hadith-hadith sahih sebagaimana yang tercatit di atas yang mewajibkan memelihara janggut sehingga mereka tidak sudi memeliharanya? Jika sekiranya mereka telah terbaca salah satu dari hadith-hadith tersebut mengapa pula tidak mahu menerima dan mentaatinya? Apakah mereka merupakan ulama buta, tuli, pekak dan bisu sehingga tidak dapat melihat, memahami, mengetahui dan menyampaikan sebegitu banyaknya hadith-hadith sahih yang memperkatakan tentang janggut? Mengapa pula suruhan dan larangan syara sebagaimana yang terdapat di dalam firman Allah di bawah ini tidak mereka sedari?: <br /><br />Dan apa yang disampaikan oleh Rasul maka hendaklah kamu ambil (patuhi) dan apa yang ditegah kamu (dari melakukannya) maka hendaklah kamu tinggalkan. AL HASYAR, 59:7. <br /><br />Ayat di atas memberi penekanan agar setiap orang-orang yang beriman bersikap patuh (taat), sama ada patuh dengan cara melaksanakan segala apa yang disuruh oleh Allah dan RasulNya atau patuh dengan cara meninggalkan segala apa yang telah dilarang atau diharamkan. <br /><br />Orang-orang yang beriman tidak boleh mencontohi sikap Iblis yang enggan mematuhi suruhan Allah s.w.t apabila diarah supaya sujud kepada Nabi Adam a.s. Iblis dilaknat kerana mengingkari satu suruhan Allah. Keengganan mematuhi suruhan Rasulullah s.a.w samalah seperti mengingkari suruhan Allah kerana mentaati Rasulullah adalah asas mentaati Allah, maka mereka yang tidak mahu mematuhi arau mentaati suruhan Rasulullah s.aw yang diulang berkali-kali supaya memelihara janggut dan jambang dengan alasan berjanggut itu tidak kacak, selekeh, kelihatan comot dan sebagainya. Maka keingkaran dan alasan seperti ini ditakuti menyerupai alasan Iblis dan petanda yang mereka telah mewarisi sikap Iblis yang bongkak, biadab, bangga diri dan akhirnya ia dikekalkan di nereka hanya lantaran tidak mahu mematuhi satu-satunya suruhan Allah s.w.t iaitu sujud kepada bapa sekalian manusia.. <br /><br />Mentaati Allah dan Rasulnya dalam setiap aspek adalah bukti kukuh yang menandakan seseorang itu benar-benar mencintai Allah s.w.t dan RasulNya, kerana syarat untuk mencintai Allah dan RasulNya ialah ketaatan. Sebagaimana firman Allah: <br /><br />Katakanlah jika kamu (benar-benar)mencintai Allah, ikutlah aku, nescaya Allah mengasihi dan mengampuni dosa-dosamu. ALI IMRAN, 3:31. <br /><br />Cinta perlukan pembuktian walaupun dalam hal atau perkara yang kecil dan dianggap remeh. Sikap orang-orang yang beriman apabila mengetahui bahawa Allah dan RasulNya telah menetapkan sesuatu hukum dan menyeru mereka supaya mematuhinya, maka oleh kerana cinta mereka yang bersangatan terhadap Allah dan Rasulnya maka mereka akan mematuhinya tanpa banyak persoalan. Kepatuhan mereka adalah benar-benar didorong oleh rasa cinta kepada Allah dan RasulNya sebagaimana firman Allah: <br /><br />Sesungguhnya jawaban orang-orang yang beriman apabila mereka diseru kepada Allah dan RasulNya agar menghukum di antara mereka, ucapan mereka ialah : Kami mendengar dan kami patuh. Dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang beruntung.AN NUUR, 24:51. <br /><br />Orang-orang yang beriman akan mentaati segala suruhan Allah dan RasulNya walaupun sekecil-kecilnya kerana mereka mengimani bahawa suruhan Allah s.w.t wajib dipatuhui. Mereka menyedari jika suruhan yang kecil dan mudah tidak mampu dilaksanakan tentunya yang besar-besar akan ditinggalkan. Malah orang yang beriman akan sentiasa berpegang teguh dengan suruhan Allah s.w.t sebagaimana yang terdapat pada ayat di bawah ini: <br /><br />Dan taatlah kamu kepada Allah dan taatlah kepada Rasul(Nya) dan berhati-hatilah. Jika kamu berpaling, maka ketahuilah bahawa sesungguhnya kewajipan Rasul Kami hanyalah menyampaikan (amanat Allah) dengan terang. AL MAAIDAH, 5:92. <br /><br />Dan Kami tidak mengutus seorang Rasul, melainkan untuk ditaati dengan izin Allah. AN NISAA 4:64. <br /><br />Ayat-ayat di atas merupakan suruhan agar kita mengambil (mentaati suruhan yang berupa setiap apa) yang didatangkan (yang berupa perintah) dari Allah dan RasulNya kemudian meninggalkan semua yang ditegah (dilarang atau diharamkan) serta melaksanakan semampu mungkin setiap suruhan terutamanya yang nyata wajibnya. <br /><br />Allah dan RasulNya tidak meridhai perbuatan orang-orang kafir, oleh sebab itu melaknat siapapun dari kalangan orang Islam yang meniru cari mereka yang tidak diridhai oleh Allah dan RasulNya seperti perbuatan mencukur janggut kemudian memelihara misai mereka sahaja. Orang-orang yang menyedari bahawa perbuatannya yang suka meniru perbuatan orang-orang kafir itu dibenci, dilaknat dan tidak diridhai oleh Allah dan RasulNya tetapi mereka masih meneruskan perbuatan tersebut dan menyukainya, maka ingatlah Allah telah mengancam orang-orang seperti ini dengan firmanNya: <br /><br />Yang demikian itu adalah kerana sesungguhnya mereka mengikuti (apa yang menimbulkan) kemurkaan Allah dan (kerana) membenci keridhaanNya, sebab itu Allah menghapuskan (pahala) amal-amal mereka. MUHAMMAD, 47:28. <br /><br />Nabi menegah orang-orang yang beriman dari mencukur janggut dan jambang mereka malah berkali-kali menyuruh memeliharanya dengan berbagai-bagai ungkapan agar dapat difahami dan diterima oleh umatnya. Apakah benar seseorang itu mencintai Allah dan RasulNya jika perkara yang paling mudah dan tidak mengeluarkan modal ini mereka abaikan dan tidak memperdulikannya langsung? Apakah mereka tidak mampu untuk memahami suruhan Nabi Muhammad s.a.w dan tidak mahu mentaatinya? Suri tauladan dari siapakah yang sewajarnya ditiru oleh orang-orang yang beriman? Apakah lebih berbangga dan menyenangi contoh yang ditiru dari Yahudi, Nasrani atau Majusi yang ditegah dari menirunya? Atau mencintai contoh dari Rasul utusan Allah, contoh dari para sahabat baginda dan contoh dari orang-orang soleh yang dibanggakan oleh setiap orang yang beriman apabila dapat mematuhi dan mentaati contoh tersebut? Contoh yang terbaik dan selayaknya dibanggakan hanyalah contoh yang ada pada diri Rasulullah s.a.w sebagaimana firman Allah: <br /><br />Sesungguhnya telah ada pada diri Rasulullah itu suri teladan yang baik bagimu (iaitu) bagi orang-orang yang mengharapkan (rahmat) Allah (dan kedatangan) hari Kiamat dan dia banyak mengingati Allah. AL AHZAB, 33:21. <br /><br />Maka barangsiapa yang mengikutiku, maka sesungguhnya orang itu termasuk golonganku dan barangsiapa yang mendurhakai aku, maka sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang. IBRAHIM, 14:36. <br /><br />Berkata as-Syeikh Ismail al-Ansari dalam memperkatakan hadith (athar) dari Ibn Umar r.a: <br /><br />Tidak syak lagi bahawa kata-kata Rasulullah s.a.w dan perbuatannya lebih berhak dan utama dipatuhi daripada kata-kata selain dari baginda, tidak kira siapapun orang itu. Lihat: ÊÍÑíã ÍáÞ ÇááÍì . ááÚÇÕãì m/s 6. Muhammad Ahmad bin Ismail <br /><br />Mencintai Nabi Muhammad s.a.w dan sunnahnya ialah dengan cara mencontohi segala suri teladan dan amalannya, mentaati seruannya dan mematuhi segala suruhannya sedaya mungkin. Berjanggut atau berjambang adalah suri teladan, suruhan dan amalan yang berupa sunnah para rasul, para nabi, para sahabat dan orang-orang soleh sejak dahulu kala sehinggalah ke hari kiamat.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-16416257074141438732010-08-30T20:07:00.001-07:002010-08-30T20:07:23.648-07:00huikumm slat berkamaah bagi waniotaHukum Shalat Berjamaah BAGI WANITA <br />Posted by admin <br />08/02/2006 1290 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Bagaimana hukum shalat berjamaah bagi wanita? berikut ulasannya. <br /> <br /> <br />PADA artikel sebelumnya telah diterangkan tentang masalah wajibnya shalat berjamaah di masjid. Dalam keterangan tersebut, sekilas nampak bahwa shalat jamaah seakan-akan diwajibkan bagi setiap muslim, baik laki-laki maupun perempuan. Padahal tidaklah demikian, karena di dalamnya terdapat beberapa perkecualian dan kekhususan. <br /><br />Di antara kekhususan itu adalah tidak diwajibkannya shalat jamaah bagi wanita. Hal itu sesuai dengan Ijma(kesepakatan) ulama. Adapun dibolehkannya mereka ikut serta dalam shalat berjamaah, bukan berarti merupakan kewajiban bagi mereka sebagaimana yang telah dikatakan oleh Abu Muhammad bin Hazm rahimahullah: Permasalahan wajib hadimya shalat berjamaah (di Masjid, peny.), tidak mengharuskan bagi wanita untuk menghadirinya. Dalam perkara ini tidak terdapat ikhtilaf di antara para ulama. <br /><br />Imam Nawawi juga berkata: Berkata shahabat shahabat kami: Shalat berjamaah bukanlah fardlu ‘ain dan bukan pula fardlu kifayah pada haq wanita, tetapi hanya sunnah saja bagi mereka. Sebaliknya wanita dianjurkan untuk shalat di runahnya karena fadlilah (keutamaan)nya lebih besar dibandingkan dengan shalat berjamaah dj masjid. Rasulullah shalallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda kepada para wanita: <br /><br />Shalat salah seorang di antara kalian di makhda (kamar kecil yang berada di dalam rumah yang besar dan berguna untuk menjaga barang-barang mahal dan berharga) lebih~ utama daripada shalat di kamamnya. Shalat di kamamya lebih utama daripada shalat di rumahnya. Shalat di rumahnya lebih utama daripada shalat di masjid kaumnya dan shalat di masiid kaumnya lebih utama daripada mereka shalat bersamaku (masiidku). (HR. Ahmad, Ibnu Khuzaimah dan Ibnu Hibban dalam Shahih keduanya; dihasankan oleh Syaikh Muhammad Nashiruddin AI-AIbani di dalam Jilbab Marah~Muslimah, hal. I55) <br /><br />Mengomentari hadits di atas, Syaikh Albani hafidhahullah berkata: Hadits tersebut tidak bertentangan dengan hadits riwayat Imam Muslim yang berbunyi: Shalat di masjidku lebih utama seribu shalat dibandingkan dengan shalat di masjid-masjid yang <br /><br />lainnya. Hadits ini tidak menafikan bahwa shalat-shalat mereka (para wanita) di rumahnya lebih utama bagi mereka, sebagaimana tidak dinafikannya pula keutamaan shalat sunnah di rumah bagi laki-laki dibandingkan dengan jika dilakukan di masjid. Akan tetapi jika dia (laki-laki) shalat di salah satu masjid yang tiga (Mekah, Madinah dan Aqsha), maka mereka mendapat keutamaan-keutamaan dan kekhususan-kekhususan· Demikian pula halnya bagi wanita. <br /><br />Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br /><br />Shalat seorang wanita di rumahnya lebih utama daripada shalar dikamarnya. Dan shalamya dimahdanya lebih utama daripada shalar di rumahnya. (HR. Abu Dawud, hadirs no. 566 dan berRarn SyaiWt Nashiruddin AI-Albnni di dalam Misykatul MasFabih hal. 1063: Sanadnya shahih atas syarat Muslim. Diriwayatkanpula oleh Imam Hakim dan berkata: Sanadnya atas syarat Bukhari dan Muslim dan Adz-Dzahabi menyetujuinya ) <br /><br />Beliau shallalahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br /><br />Sebaik-baik masjid bagi wanila adalah di dalam rumah-rumah mereka. (HR. Ahmad (6/301), Ibnu Khuraimah (3/92) dan Baihaqi (3A31~ <br /><br />Dari riwayat-riwayat di atas, para ulama mengambil istimbat hukum bahwa shalat wanita di dalam rumahnya lebih utama daripada shalat di masjid. Mustafa Al-Adawi di dalam kitab Ahkamu An-Nisa hal. 299, berkata -setelah memaparkan hadits-hadits ini: Hadits ini adalah tambahan dari sanad yang menjelaskan bahwa shalat wanita di rumahnya lebih utama daripada shalat di masjid. (lihat Shahih Ibnu Khwnimph (3/96) dan Sunan AI-Baihaqi Al-Kubra (3/ 132)). Beliau (Mustafa) menambahkan: Sesungguhnya hadits-hadits yang menunjukkan bahwa shalat wanita di rumahnya Lebih utama dari shalat mereka di masjid itu adalah shahih dengan terkumpulnya sanad-sanad hadits tersebut. <br /><br />Imam Nawawi rahimahullah berkata: Shahabat-shahabat kami berkata: Shalat wanita di suatu tempat di dalam rumahnya yang lebih tertutup adalah lebih afdal, karena terdapat hadits dari Abdullah bin Masud radhjallahu mthu bahwasanya Rasulullah shaNaNahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br /><br />Shalat wanita di rumahnya lebih utama daripada shalat di kamamya dan shalat di mahdanya lebih utama daripada di rumahnya. (HR. Abu Dawud dnnsanadnya shahih atas syarat Muslim, lihat Synrh Muslim, 2/73) <br /><br />Demikianlah perkataan Imam Nawawi rahimahullah yang menyatakan bahwa yang lebih afdlal bagi wanita adalah shalat di rumahnya dengan alasan lebih tertutup dan lebih aman dari fitnah. Masih banyak lagi paa ulama lainnya yang menyatakan demikian. Di antaranya Ibnul Qayyim al-Jauziyah rahimahullah. Beliau berkata ketika men-syarah hadits yang diriwayatkan oleh Imam Abu Dawud-: Shalat wanita di rumahnya, maksudnya karena kesempuinaan hijab. Dan keutamaan shalat di rumah bagi wanita karena di bangun atas dasar ini. <br /><br />Beliau Obnul Qayyim) menjelaskan pula tentang lafadz riwayat Rumah mereka lebih utama bagi mereka. Maksudnya adalah shalat-shalat mereka (wanita) di rumahnya itu Lebih utama bagi mereka dibandingkan dengan shalatnya di masjid. jika mereka mengetahui yang demikian (pastilah mereka tidak meminta untuk keluar masjid). Akan tetapi karena mereka tidak mengetahuinya, maka mereka (shahabiyah) meminta izin untuk keluar ke masjid dengan berkeyakinan bahwa pahalanya lebih banyak daripada shalat di rumahnya. Keutamaan yang lain adalah aman dari fitnah, (hal itu) didukung dengan adanya perbuatan yang dilakukan para wanita (yakni tabarruj, ikhtilath [bercampurnya antara laki-laki dan perempuan], memakai wangi-wangian dan lain-lain). <br /><br />Dalam hadits lain riwayat Ibnu Masud radhiyaIlahu anhu secara morfudisebutkan: <br /><br />Sebaik-baik masjid bagi wanita adalah ruma rumah mereka. (HR Ahmad. 6/301, IbnuKhuzaimah 3/29, dan Baihaqi 3/131) <br /><br />Syaikh Nashiruddin Al-Albani rahimahullah berkata: Allah tidak menerima shalat wanita yang sudah haidl (baligh), kecuali jika ia memakai kerudung walaupun di dalam rumahnya dan tidak ada orang-orang asing (bukan mahram) yang melihatnya. Hal itu menunjukkan diperintahkan menutup aurat dari sudut syariat yang tidak diperintahkan kepada laki-laki. Yang demikian diwajibkan oleh Allah atas mereka, walaupun dia tidak dilihat oleh seorang pun. Allah berfirman: <br /><br />Dan hendaklah kamu tetap di rumahmu dan janganlah kamu berhias dan bertingkah laku seperti orang-orang Jahiliyah yang dahulu. (Al-Ahzab: 33) <br /><br />Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br /><br />Janganlah kalian mencegah hamba-hamba Allah (wanita) ke masiid, meskipun rumah-rumah mereka adalah lebih baik bagi mereka. (HR Bukhari no. 900) Juga sabda beliau shallallahu alaihi wa sallam (yang artinya): Shalat salah seorang di antara kalian (para wanita) di mahda-nya lebih utama daripada shalat di kamarnya. Shalat di kamarnya lebih utama daripada shalat di rumahnya Shalat di rumahnya lebih utama daripada shalat di masjid kaumnya dan shalat di masjid kaumnya lebih urama daripada shalat bersamaku (HR. Ahmad, Ibnu Khuzaimah dan Ibnu Hibban dalam Shahih keduanya; dihasankan oleh SyaiRh Muhammad Nashiruddin Al-Albani di dalam Jilbab Marah Muslimah, hal. 155) <br /><br />Imam Syaukani rahimahullah berkata: Shalat mereka (wanita) di rumahnya adalah lebih balk dan utama daripada shalat di masjid jika mereka mengetahui yang demikian. Akan tetapi, karena mereka tidak mengetahuinya, mereka meminta izin untuk keluar ber- <br /><br />jamaah. Mereka berkeyakinan bahwa pahala shalat di masjid lebih banyak. Keutamaan yang lainnya adalah bahwa shalat-shalat mereka di rumahnya lebih aman dari fitnah. Yang menekankan demikian ini karena adanya pebuatan yang diadakan oleh wanita seperti tabarruj (berdandan) atau bersolek, sebagaimana yang telah dikatakan oleh Aisyah radhiyallahu anha. Syaikh Muhammad bin Shalih Al-Utsaimin hafidhahullah berkata: Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: Rumah-rumah mereka lebih utama bagi mereka. Hadits ini memberikan pengertian bahwa shalat wanita di rumahnya lebih utama. Jika mereka (para wanita) berkata: Aku ingin shalat di masjid agar dapat berjamaah. Maka akan aku (syaikh Utsaimin) katakan: Sesungguhnya shalatmu di rumahmu itu lebih utama dan lebih baik. Hat itu dikarenakan seorang wanita akan terjauh dari ikhtilath bersama lelaki lain, sehingga akan dapat menjauhkannya dari fitnah. Dari keterangan di atas telah jelas bagi kita keutamaan shalat wanita di rumahnya. Walaupun begitu mungkin akan timbul dalam benak kita suatu pertanyaan: Manakah yang lebih utama, wanita shalat di rumahnya dengan berjamaah atau shalat sendiri. Dan apakah shalat jamaahnya akan mendapatkan seperti apa yang disabdakan oleh Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam (yakni lebih utama 27 derajat)? Untuk menjawab pertanyaan ini terlebih dahulu kita melihat syarah hadits Shalat berjamaah lebih utama dibandingkan shalat sendiri dengan dunpuluh lima (dalam riwayar lain dengan duapuluh tujuh) derajat. Apakah hadits tersebut bersifat umum bagi laki-laki dan wanita? <br /><br />Imam Ibnu Hajar Asqalani dalam Fathul Bari, juz 2 ha1.157, mengatakan tentang kekhususan keutamaan shalat berjamaah dengan membawakan keterangan para ulama yang mensyarah hadits tersebut. Seperti Ibnu Qattan dan para pensyarah lain yang dikomentari oleh At-Zain bin Al-Mundzir dan yang lain secara terperinci. Beliau (Ibnu Hajar) berkata: Sungguh aku menganggap benar pendapat mereka yang sesuai dengan keadaan shalat berjamaah dan menolak yang tidak dikhususkan bagi shalat berjamaaah seperti: <br /><br />Memenuhi panggilan adzan. <br />Segera datang pada awal waktu. <br />Berjalan ke mesjid dengan tenang. <br />Masuk ke masjid dengan berdoa. <br />Shalat Tahiyatul masjid. <br />Menanti jamaah. <br />Shalawat dan doa malaikat baginya. <br />Persaksian malaikat baginya. <br />Memenuhi iqamah. <br />Keselamatan dari gangguan setan ketika setan lari dari suara iqamah. <br />Berdiri menunggu takbir pertama imam atau mengikuti semua perbuatan imam. <br />Mendapatkan takbiratul ihram. <br />Meratakan dan meluruskan shaf-shaf <br />Menjawab imam ketika mengucapkan sami’allahu liman hamidah. <br />Aman dari lupa secara dominan dan mengingatkan imam ketika lupa dengan bacaan tasbih. <br />Mendapatkan rasa khusyu dan selamat dari kesia-siaan. <br />Memperbaiki sikap. <br />Kerumunan malaikat di sisinya. <br />Memperbaiki tajwid bacaan Al-Quran. <br />Menampakkan syiar Islam. <br />21.Menimbulkan kemarahan setan dengan berkumpul dalam beribadah dan saling tolong-menolong dalam ketaatan dan sebagai penyemangat orang-orang yang malas. <br />Selamat dari sifat nifaq dan menghilangkan prasangka buruk dari yang lain karena meninggalkan shalat. <br />Menjawab salam imam. <br />24. Mengambil manfaat dengan berkumputnya doa mereka serta saling melengkapi. <br />25. Menegakkan aturan persatuan antar sesama jamaah dan mendapatkan perhatian mereka pada waktu shalat. <br />Ke-25 hal itu semua diperintahkan dan disemangatkan. (Farhul Barijuz 2 hal. 157) Dengan keterangan di atas dijelaskan bahwa semua hadits yang menunjukkan keutamaan shalat berjamaah adalah berkaitan dengan shalat jamaah di masjid dan tidak di rumah. <br /><br />Oleh karena itu perlu dipertanyakan pernyataan Syaikh Musthafa Al-Adawi dan Abu Muhammad bin Hazm di bawah ini yang menyatakan bahwa hadits di atas menunjukkan keutamaan shalat jamaah mencakup laki-laki dan wanita. <br /><br />Syaikh Musthafa al-Adawi berpendapat: <br />Shalat wanita dengan berjamaah di masjid lebih utama daripada shalatnya sendiri di masjid. <br />Shalat wanita dengan berjamaah di rumahnya lebih balk daripada shalat sendirian di rumahnya. <br />Beliau berkata: Kedua point di atas termuat dalam keumuman hadits Rasulullah shalallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam: Shalat jamaah itu lebih utama daripada shalat sendirian dengan 27 derajat. Demikian pula dengan shalat jamaah wanita di rumahnya, sebagaimana terdapat dalam kisah Anas. Beliau (Anas) shalat bersama Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam dan di belakangnya terdapat wanita yang sudah tua. Juga telah tsabit (pasti) bahwa sebagian istri-istri Nabi shallallahu alaihi wa sallam shalat berjama ah di rumah mereka. Jika tidak terdapat suatu keutamaan, maka hal ini tidak akan dilaksanakan oleh para wanita (shahabiyah) di jaman Rasulullah shaNaNahu alaihi wa sallam. <br /><br />Oleh karena itu harus kita katakan bahwa shalat wanita di rumahnya sendiri lebih utama dibandingkan dengan shalatnya di masjid secara berjamaah. Hal ini karena masuk dalam keumuman hadits Rasulullah shoIlallahu alaihi wa sallam: Shalat wanita di rumahnya lebih balk (utama) daripada sbalatnya di masjid. Adapun jika dia (wanita) keluar dari rumabnya ke rumah wanita lain untuk shalat bersamanya, maka hal ini -wallahu alam- lebih berkurang pahalanya daripada sbalatnya di masjid. Karena keluamya wanita sudah terwujudkan, sehingga tinggal keutamaan masjid dan menyaksikan kebaikan bersama kaum muslimin itu lebih utama daripada (shalat)di rnmab wanita yang lain. wallahu alam. Demikianlah keterangan dari Syaikh Musthafa Al-Adawi. <br /><br />Abu Muhammad bin Hazm rahimahullah berkata: Jika para wanita shalat dengan berjamaah dan mengimami salah satunya, maka hal ini adalah hasan (baik) karena tidak ada nash yang melarang dari perbuatan yang demikian itu. Dan tidak pula sebagian mereka memutus shalat sebagian yang tainnya disebabkan sabda Rasulnllah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam: Sebaik-baik shaf bagi wanita adatah yang paling akhir. Beliau (Ibnu Hazm) berkata pula: Shalat wanita dengan wanita yang lain, bahkan masuk ke dalam perkataan Rasulullah shalallahu alaihi wa sallam: Sesungguhnya shalat berjamaah lebih utama daripada shalat sendirian dengan 27 derajat. Shalat mereka dengan berjamaah lebih utama daripada shalat sendirian. Para ulama berselisih dalam masalah shalat <br /><br />seorang wanita bersama wanita-wanita lain secara berjamaah. Ada yang mengatakan mustahab (sunnah) berdasarkan riwayat Aisyah dan Ummu Salamah. Yang berpendapat seperti ini adalah Atha, Ats-Tsauri, Auza i, Syafii, Ishaq dan Abu Tsaur. Ada yang mengatakan bukan sunnah seperti Imam Ahmad. Ada pula yang mengatakan makruh seperti Ashabur Rayi. Sedangkan Asy-Syabi, An-Nakhai dan Qatadah menyatakan bahwa hal ini (shalat berjamaah bagi wanita) dilakukan pada shalat sunnah bukan shalat wajib. Sulaiman bin Yasar mengatakan bahwa wanita tidak boleh mengimami pada shalat wajib maupun sunnah. Imam Malik mengatakan bahwa tidak pantas bagi wanita untuk mengimami seorang pun. Yang demikian karena dimakruhkan adzan baginya yaitu panggilan untuk shalat berjamaah, maka dimakruhkan pula baginya sesuatu yang dimaksudkan oleh adzan. (AI-Mughni, jilidt. ha1.17) <br /><br />Syaikh Al-Albani mengomentari hadits Aisyah dan Ummu Salamah yang mengimami para wanita dalam shalat (hadits tersebut menurut beliau sanadnya shahih) dengan perkataan beliau sebagai berikut: Atsar-atsar ini baik untuk diamalkan, lebih-lebih jika dihubungkan dengan keumuman sabda Rasulullah bahwa para wanita itu serupa lelaki . Namun penyamaan ini dalam hal berjamaah bukan dalam keutamaan yang dua puluh lima atau dua puluh tujuh derajat. Kemudian tentang pernyataan AI-Adawi: Jika lidak terdapat suatu keutamaan, maka hal ini tidak akan dijalankan oleh para shahabiyah dijaman Rasulullah, masih perlu dipertanyakan. Karena tidak setiap perbuatan yang dilaksanakan oleh shahabiyah adalah sesuatu yang afdlal, bahkan terkadang mereka pun meninggalkan perkara yang afdlal. Hal ini terbukti denganjelas ketika para shahabiyah pergi ke mesjid untuk shalat berjamaah, padahal Rasulullah telah bersabda: Sebaik-baik mesjid bagi wanita adalah di dalam rumah-rumah mereka. <br /><br />Dari keterangan-keterangan di atas, maka keutamaan dua puluh lima dan dua puluh tujuh derajat itu khusus untuk shalat jamaah yang dilakukan di masjid ,sebagaimana yang dikatakan oleh Ibnu Hajar: Bahkan yang paling jelas adalah bahwa derajat yang disebutkan itu khusus bagi jamaah di masjid (Fathul Bari, juz 2, hal. 159). Beliau juga menerangkan bahwa derajat itu diperoleh dengan dua puluh lima keunggulan yang telah disebutkan yang semua itu diambil dari hadits (artinya): DanAbuHuraairah radliyallahu anhu, ia berkata bahwa Rosulullah shallallahu alaihi wa salam bersabda: Shalat seseorangdengan berjama ah dilipatgandakan atas shalatnva di rumahnya dan dipasar dengan dua puluh lima lipat. Hal ini dia peroleh apabila ia berwudlu. lalu menyempurnakan wudlunya kemudian keluar menuju masiid. Tidak mengeluarkannya kecuali untuk shalat. Maka tidaklah ia melangkahkan satu langkah, kecuali diangkat baginya satu derajat dan dihapus darinya satu kesalahan dan tatkala dia shalat para malaikat terus menerus mengucapkan shalawat atasnya selama dia di tempat shalatya dengan doa: Ya Allah, berilah shalawat atasnya. rahmatilah dia. Terus-menerus salah seorang di antara kalian dalam keadaan shalat selama menunggu shalat. (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim) <br /><br />Dengan keterangan-keterangan di atas, maka shalat jamaah wanita di rumahnya tidak termasuk dalam keutamaan itu (dua puluh lima atau dua puluh tujuh derajat), tetapi mereka mempunyai keutamaan tersendiri yaitu shalat seorang wanita di rumahnya dengan berjamaah atau tidak berjamaah lebih utama dari pada shalatnya di masjid. Wallahu a lam bishawab <br /><br />Diperbolehkaonya Wanita Shalat Berjamash di Masjid dan Laraogan Mencegahnya <br /><br />Keutamaan shalat wanita di dalam rumahnya sebagaimana telah dijelaskan di atas tidak menafikan bolehnya para wanita shalat berjamaah di masjid. Bahkan mengharuskan bagi wali atau suami untuk tidak melarang mereka jika hendak shalat berjamaah di masjid, tentunya dengan syarat. <br /><br />Telah menjadi ijma (kesepakatan) para ulama bahwa Rasulullah shallallahu aiaihi wa sallam tidak mencegah sama sekali para wanita untuk shalat berjamaah di masjid bersama beliau sampai wafatnya. Demikian pula para khulafa Ar-Rasyidin sesudah beliau shallallahu alaihi wa sallam. <br /><br />Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br />Apabila salah satu wanita di antara kalian meminta izin ke masiid, maka janganlah kalian cegah mereka. (HR Murlim, 442 dan Nasai. 2/42; Musthafa al-Adawi menshahihkannya) <br /><br />Dari Ibnu Umar radhiyallahu anhuma, RasuluIlah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br />Janganlah kalion melarang hamba (para wanita) Allah ke masjid-masjid Allah· (HR. Bukhari, no. 900) Juga dari Ibnu Umar radhiyallahu anhuma, Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br /><br />Janganlah kalian mencegah wanita-wanitn kalian ke masiid. Sedangkan rumah-rumah mereka lebih baik untuk mereka.(HR. Abu Dawud; dishahihRan oleh Syaikh Al-Albani di dalam Shahih Abu Dawud: 576 dan dalam Misykatul Mashabih: 1062) <br /><br />Menyoroti hadits-hadits di atas, Imam Nawawi rahimahullah berkata: Hadits ini dan yang semisalnya (menjelaskan) dengan jelas sekali bahwa wanita tidak dilarang pergi ke masjid. Akan tetapi dengan syarat-syarat yang telah disebutkan oleh para ulama yang diambil dari hadits-hadits yaitu: <br /><br />Tidak memakai wangi-wangian, <br />Tidak tabarruj, Tidak memakai gelang kaki yang dapat terdengar suaranya, <br />Tidak memakai baju yang mewah, <br />Tidak berikhtilat dengan kaum laki-laki dan bukan gadis yang dengannya dapat menimbulkan fitnah, <br />Tidak terdapat sesuatu yang dapat menimbulkan kenrsakan di jalan yang akan dilewati. <br />Adapun larangan tidak bolehnya wanita keluar ke masjid untuk shalat jamaah hukumnya makruh. Apabila dia sudah mempunyai suami atau tuan rumah dan terpenuhi syarat-syarat yang disebutkan tadi, maka diperbolehkan. Namun jika dia belum/tidak mempunyai suami atau tuan, maka hal ini dilarang meskipun telah terpenuhi syarat-syarat di atas. <br /><br />Ibnu Hazm rahimahullah berkata: Tidak halal bagi wali perempuan dan tidak pula bagi tuan budak untuk mencegah wanita hadir shalat berjamaah di masjid, apabila diketahui bahwa mereka ingin melakukannya. Tidak halal bagi mereka (para wanita) untuk keluar dalam keadaan berwangi-wangian, berpakaian mewah (yang merangsang). Jika mereka melakukan yang demikian, maka laranglah. <br /><br />Ibnu Katsir rahimahullah dalam menafsirkan <br /><br />surat Al-Ahzab ayat 33: dan hendaklah kamu tetap di rumahmu.maksudnya adalah tetaplah kalian (wahai para wanita) di rumah-rumah kalian dan janganlah keluar, kecuali jika ada hajat (keperluan). Di antara hajat-hajat yang syari adalah shalat di masjid dengan memenuhi syarat-syarat sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah shallallnhu alaihi wa sallam: Janganlah kalian mencegah hamba-hamba (para wanita) Allah ke masjid-masjid Allah dan hendaklah keluar dengan tanpa wangi-wangian. Dalam riwayat lain rumah mereka lebih baik bagi mereka. <br /><br />Syaikh Abdul Aziz bin Abdillah bin baaz berkata: Tidak diperbolehkan bagi sang suami untuk mencegah istrinya yang hendak ke masjid, namun shalatnya (istri) lebih utama di rumahmya. Wajib atasnya menjaga adab-adab Islam yaitu mengenakan pakaian yang menutupi auratya, menjauhi pakaian-pakaian yang mewah dan pakaian yang memperlihatkan auratnya karena sempit, tidak memakai wangi-wanglandan tidak ikhtilat dengan laki-laki lain pada shaf tapi di belakang shaf mereka. Sungguh telah ada wanita-wanita pada zaman RasuluIlah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam keluar ke masjid dengan mengenakan jilbab-jilbab dan shalat di belakang kaum laki-laki. Telah tsabit dari Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wn sallam bahwasanya beliau bersabda:Janganlah kalian mencegah hamba-hamba (para wanita) Allah ke Masjid Allah. Beliau shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda pula: Sebaik-baik shaf laki-laki adalah yang paling depan dan sejelek-jeleknya adalah yang paling belakang. Sedangkan sebaik-baik shaf bagi wanita adalah yang paling belakang dan sejelek-jeleknya adalah yang paling depan.(Fatawa, 7/236) Inilah syarat-syarat yang telah ditetapkan oleh para ulama yang disyariatkan kepada para wanita yang ingin ke baitullah laala. Syarat-syarat ini diambil dari hadits Rasulullah shnllallahu alaihi wa sallam, di antaranya: <br /><br />Dari Abu Hurairah radhiyallahu anhu, ia berkata: Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wasallam bersabda: <br />Wanita mana saja yang memakai wamgi-wangian, maka janganlah menghadiri shalat Isya yang akhir bersama kami (H.R Muslim: 4/162, Abu Dawud 4175, Nasai: 7/153 dan Miskatul Mashabih: 106; berkata Abu Maryam di dalam AI-Manhiyyat Al- Usyri li An-Nisa :hadits Shahih) <br /><br />Zainab Ats-Tsaqafiyah mengabarkan bahwasanya Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br />Apabila salah satu di antara kalian menghadiri shalat Isya : makajanganlah berwangi-wangian pada malam itu. (HR Muslim 3/163, Nasa i. 7/154 dan Baihaqi di dalam Sunannya AI-Kubra 3/133) <br /><br />Di dalam riwayat yang lain: <br />Apabila salah satu di antara kalian, menghadiri masjid, maka janganlah mengenakan wangi-wangian.(HR Muslim: 4/163, Ibnu Khuzoimah 1680, dan Baihaqi 3/ 439) <br /><br />Dari Abu Hurairah radhivallnhu anhu, is berkata: Sesungguhnya aku mendengar Rasulullah shallallahu alaihi wa sallam bersabda: <br />Wanita mana saja yang berwangi-wangian, kemudian keluar ke masjid, maka tidak diterima shalatya sampai ia mandi: Dalam riwayat lain: Apabila seorang wanita <br /><br />keluar ke masjid, maka mandilah dari wangi-wangian sebagaimana mandinya dari junub. (HR. Abu Dawud: 4174, Ibnu Majah: 4002, Baihaqi: 3/133 dan di dalam Miskatul Mashabih: 1084; Berkata Abu Maryam Majdi: hadits hasan) <br /><br />Dari hadits-hadits di atas, para ulama menetapkan syarat-syarat bagi wanita yang ingin shalat di masjid. Abu Maryam Majdi berkata: Pada hadits-hadits tersebut terdapat pengharamam berwangi-wangian bagi wanita yang ingin keluar ke masjid karena terdapat unsur penggerak dan pengundang syahwat kaum lakilaki. <br /><br />Ibnu Daqig Al-Idd berkata: Disamakan dengan wangi-wangian sesuatu yang semakna dengannya, karena sebab larangannya adalah terdapat sesuatu yang menggerakkan dan mengundang syahwat seperti: pakaian yang mewah, dandanan yang tampak bekasnya dan gerak-gerik dengan kebanggaan. <br /><br />Dari keterangan-keterangan di atas jelas dan terang bagi kita tentang bolehnya wanita pergi ke masjid untuk melaksanakan shalat bejamaah tatkala sudah terpenuhi syarat-syaratriya, <br /><br />Terakhir kali, kita kutip perkataan Musthafa Al Adawi yang menyatakan: Apabila wanita meminta izin pada malam atau siang hari diizinkan baginya. Namun jika fitnahnya lebih sedikit, maka pemberian izin diperbolehkan. Wallahu a’lam <br /><br />Oleh sebab itu, sudah seharusnya para wanita muslimah memperhatikan hal-hal yang telah disebutkan di atas. Wallahu,a lam bis shawab.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-52341216584921968082010-08-30T20:04:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:06:06.248-07:00cara shalat malamBeberapa Cara Shalat Malam <br />Posted by admin <br />08/02/2006 2396 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Bagaimana Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam melaksanakan shalat malam? Berapa rakaat Beliau melaksanakannya? <br /> <br /> <br /> <br />Beberapa Cara Shalat Malam yang dikerjakan Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam <br /><br />Untuk melengkapi pembahasan ini kami nukilkan keterangan Syaikh Al-Albani (terjemahan) yang berjudul Kelemahan Riwayat Tarawih 20 Rakaat, penerbit DATANS, Bangil (pen.) <br /><br />Dari hadits-hadits dan riwayat yang ada dapat disimpulkan bahwa Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam mengerjakan shalat malam dan witir lengkap berbagai cara: <br /><br /><br />1. Shalat 13 rakaat dan dimulai dengan 2 rakaat yang ringan. <br /><br />Berkenaan dengan ini ada beberapa riwayat: <br /><br />A. Hadits Zaid bin Khalid al-Juhani bahwasanya berkata: Aku perhatikan shalat malam Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam. Yaitu (ia) shalat dua rakaat yang ringan, kemudian ia shalat dua rakaat yang panjang sekali. Kemudian shalat dua rakaat, dan dua rakaat ini tidak sepanjang dua rakaat sebelumnya, kemudian shalat dua rakaat (tidak sepanjang dua rakaat sebelumnya), kemudian shalat dua rakaat (tidak sepanjang dua rakaat sebelumnya), kemudian shalat dua rakaat (tidak sepanjang dua rakaat sebelumnya), kemudian witir satu rakaat, yang demikian adalah tiga belas rakaat.(Diriwayatkan oleh Malik, Muslim, Abu Awanah, Abu Dawud dan Ibnu Nashr) <br /><br />B. Hadits Ibnu Abbas, ia berkata: Saya pernah bermalam di kediaman Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam suatu malam, waktu itu beliau di rumah Maimunah radliyallahu anha. Beliau bangun dan waktu itu telah habis dua pertiga atau setengah malam, kemudian beliau pergi ke tempat yang ada padanya air, aku ikut berwudlu bersamanya, kemudian beliau berdiri dan aku berdiri di sebelah kirinya maka beliau pindahkan aku ke sebelah kanannya. Kemudian meletakkan tangannya di atas kepalaku seakan-akan beliau memegang telingaku, seakan-akan membangunkanku, kemudian beliau shalat dua rakaat yang ringan. Beliau membaca Ummul Qur’an pada kedua rakaat itu, kemudian beliau memberi salam kemudian beliau shalat hingga sebelas rakaat dengan witir, kemudian tidur. Bilal datang dan berkata: Shalat Ya Rasulullah! Maka beliau bangun dan shalat dua rakaat, kemudian shalat mengimami orang-orang. (HR. Abu Dawud dan Abu ‘Awanah dalam kitab Shahihnya. Dan asalnya di Shahihain) <br /><br />Ibnul Qayim juga menyebutkan hadits ini di Zadul Ma`ad 1:121 tetapi Ibnu Abbas tidak menyebut bahwa Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam memulai shalatnya dengan dua rakaat yang ringan sebagaimana yang disebutkan Aisyah. <br /><br />C. Hadits Aisyah, ia berkata: Adalah Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam apabila bangun malam, memulai shalatnya dengan dua rakaat yang ringan, kemudian shalat delapan kemudian berwitir. <br /><br />Pada lafadh lain: Adalah Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam shalat Isya, kemudian menambah dengan dua rakaat, aku telah siapkan siwak dan air wudhunya dan berwudlu kemudian shalat dua rakaat, kemudian bangkit dan shalat delapan rakaat, beliau menyamakan bacaan antara rakaat-rakaat itu, kemudian berwitir pada rakaat yang ke sembilan. Ketika Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam sudah berusia lanjut dan gemuk, beliau jadikan yang delapan rakaat itu menjadi enam rakaat kemudian ia berwitir pada rakaat yang ketujuh, kemudian beliau shalat dua rakaat dengan duduk, beliau membaca pada dua rakaat itu Qul ya ayyuhal kafirun dan Idza zulzilat. <br /><br />Penjelasan. <br />Dikeluarkan oleh Thahawi 1/156 dengan dua sanad yang shahih. Bagian pertama dari lafadh yang pertama juga dikeluarkan oleh Muslim 11/184; Abu Awanah 1/304, semuanya diriwayatkan melalui jalan Hasan Al-Bashri dengan mu`an`an, tetapi Nasai meriwayatkannya (1:250) dan juga Ahmad V:168 dengan tahdits. Lafadh kedua ini menurut Thahawi jelas menunjukan bahwa jumlah rakaatnya 13, ini menunjukan bahwa perkataannya di lafadh yang pertama kemudian ia berwitir maksudnya tiga rakaat. Memahami seperti ini gunanya agar tidak timbul perbedaan jumlah rakaat antara riwayat Ibnu Abbas dan Aisyah. <br /><br />Kalau kita perhatikan lafadh kedua, maka di sana Aisyah menyebutkan dua rakaat yang ringan setelah shalat Isya’nya, tetapi tidak menyebutkan adanya shalat ba’diyah Isya. Ini mendukung kesimpulan penulis di uraian terdahulu bahwa dua rakaat yang ringan itu adalah sunah ba`diyah Isya. <br /><br /><br />2. Shalat 13 rakaat, yaitu 8 rakaat (memberi salam setiap dua rakaat) ditambah lima rakaat witir, yang tidak duduk kecuali pada rakaat terakhir. <br /><br />Tentang ini ada riwayat dari Aisyah sebagai berikut: Adalah Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam tidur, ketika bangun beliau bersiwak kemudian berwudhu, kemudian shalat delapan rakat, duduk setiap dua rakaat dan memberi salam, kemudian berwitir dengan lima rakaat, tidak duduk kecuali ada rakaat kelima, dan tidak memberi salam kecuali pada rakaat yang kelima. Maka ketika muadzin beradzan, beliau bangkit dan shalat dua rakaat yang ringan. <br /><br />Penjelasan <br />Hadits ini diriwayatkan oleh Ahmad II:123, 130, sanadnya shahih menurut persyaratan Bukhari dan Muslim. Dikeluarkan juga oleh Muslim II:166; Abu Awanah II:325, Abu Daud 1:210; Tirmidzi II:321 dan beliau mengesahkannya. Juga oleh Ad-Daarimi 1:371, Ibnu Nashr pada halaman 120-121; Baihaqi III:27; Ibnu Hazm dalam Al-Muhalla III:42-43. <br /><br />Semua mereka ini meriwayatkan dengan singkat, tidak disebut padanya tentang memberi salam pada tiap dua rakaat, sedangkan Syafi’i 1:1/109, At-Thayalisi 1:120 dan Hakim 1:305 hanya meriwayatkan tentang witir lima rakaat saja. <br /><br />Hadits ini juga mempunyai syahid dari Ibnu Abbas, diriwayatkan oleh Abu Dawud 1:214 daan Baihaqi III:29, sanad keduanya shahih. <br /><br />Kalau kita lihat sepintas lalu, seakan-akan riwayat Ahmad ini bertentangan dengan riwayat Aisyah yang membatas bahwa Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam tidak pernah mengerjakan lebih dari sebelas rakaat, sebab pada riwayat ini jumlah yang dikerjakan Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam adalah 13 rakaat + 2 rakaat qabliyah Shubuh. <br /><br />Tetapi sebenarnya kedua riwayat ini tidak bertentangan dan dapat dijama’ seperti pad uraian yang lalu. <br /><br />Kesimpulannya dari 13 rakaat itu, masuk di dalamnya 2 rakaat Iftitah atau 2 rakaat ba’diyah Isya. <br /><br />3. Shalat 11 rakaat dengan memberi salam setiap dua rakaat dan berwitir 1 rakaat. <br /><br />Dasarnya hadits Aisyah berikut ini: Adalah Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam shalat pada waktu antara selesai shalat Isya, biasa juga orang menamakan shalat ‘atamah hingga waktu fajar, sebanyak 11 rakaat, beliau memberi salam setiap dua rakaat dan berwitir satu rakaat, beliau berhenti pada waktu sujudnya selama seseorang membaca 50 ayat sebelum mengangkat kepalanya. <br /><br />Penjelasan: <br />Diriwayatkan oleh Muslim II:155 dan Abu Awanah II:326; Abu Dawud I:209; Thahawi I:167; Ahmad II:215, 248. Abu Awanah dan Muslim juga meriwayatkan dari hadits Ibnu Umar, sedangkan Abu Awanah juga dari Ibnu Abbas. <br />Mendukung riwayat ini adalah Ibnu Umar juga: Bahwa seorang laki-laki bertanya kepada Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam tentang shalat malam, maka sabdanya: Shalat malam itu dua rakaat dua rakaat. Kalau seseorang daripada kamu khawatir masuk waktu Shubuh, cukup dia shalat satu rakaat guna menggajilkan jumlah rakaat yang ia telah kerjakan. <br /><br />Riwayat Malik I:144, Abu Awanah II:330-331, Bukhari II:382,385, MuslimII:172. Ia menambahkan (Abu Awanah): Maka Ibnu Umar ditanya: Apa yang dimaksud dua rakaat - dua rakaat itu? Ia menjawab: Bahwasanya memberi salam di tiap dua rakaat. <br /><br />4. Shalat 11 rakaat yaitu dengan 4 rakaat satu salam, empat rakaat salam lagi, kemudian tiga rakaat. <br /><br />Haditsnya adalah riwayat Bukhari Muslim sebagaimana disebutkan terdahulu. Menurut dhahir haditsnya, beliau duduk di tiap-tiap dua rakaat tetapi tidak memberi salam, demikianlah penafsiran Imam Nawawi. <br /><br />Yang seperti ini telah diriwayatkan dalam beberapa hadits dari Aisyah bahwasanya Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam tidak memberi salam antara dua rakaat dan witir, namun riwayat-riwayat itu lemah, demikianlah yang disebutkan oleh Al-Hafidh Ibnu Nashr, Baihaqi dan Nawawi. <br /><br />5. Shalat 11 rakaat dengan perincian 8 rakaat yang belaiu tidak duduk kecuali pada rakaat kedelapan tersebut, maka beliau bertasyahud dan bershalawat atas Nabi, kemudian bangkit dan tidak memberi salam, selanjutnya beliau witir satu rakaat, kemudian memberi salam. <br /><br />Dasarnya adalah hadits Aisyah radliallahu `anha, diriwayatkan oleh Sa’ad bin Hisyam bin Amir. Bahwasanya ia mendatangi Ibnu Abbas dan menanyakan kepadanya tentang witir Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam maka Ibnu Abbas berkata: Maukah aku tunjukan kepada kamu orang yang paling mengetahui dari seluruh penduduk bumi tentang witirnya Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam: Ia bertanya siapa dia? Ia berkata: Aisyah radlillahu anha, maka datangilah ia dan tanya kepadanya: Maka aku pergi kepadnya, ia berkata: Aku bertanya; Hai Ummul mukminin khabarkan kepadaku tentang witir Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam, Ia menjawab: Kami biasa menyiapkan siwak dan air wudlunya, maka ia bersiwak dan berwudlu dan shalat sembilan rakaat tidak duduk padanya kecuali pada rakaat yang kedelapan, maka ia mengingat Allah dan memuji-Nya dan bershalawat kepada nabi-Nya dan berdoa, kemudian bangkit dan tidak memberi salam, kemudian berdiri dan shalat (rakaat) yang kesembilan, kemudian belaiu duduk dan mengingat Allah dan memujinya (attahiyat) dan bershalawat atas nabi-Nya shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam dan berdoa, kemudian memberi salam dengan salam yang diperdengarkan kepada kami, kemudian shalat dua rakat setelah beliau memberi salam, dan beliau dalam keadaan duduk, maka yang demikian jumlahnya sebelas wahai anakku, maka ketika Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam menjadi gemuk, beliau berwitir tujuh rakaat, beliau mengerjakan di dua rakaat sebagaimana yang beliau kerjakan (dengan duduk). Yang demikian jumlahnya sembilan rakaat wahai anakku. <br /><br />Penjelasan <br />Diriwayatkan oleh Muslim II:169-170, Abu Awanah II:321-325, Abu Dawud I:210-211, Nasai I/244-250, Ibnu Nashr halaman 49, Baihaqi III:30 dan Ahmad VI:53,54,168. <br /><br />6. Shalat 9 rakaat, dari jumlah ini, 6 rakaat beliau kerjakan tanpa duduk (attahiyat) kecuali pada rakaat yang keenam tersebut, beliau bertasyahud dan bershalawat atas Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam kemudian beliau bangkit dan tidak memberi salam sedangkan beliau dalam keadaan duduk. <br /><br /><br />Yang menjadi dasar adalah hadits Aisyah radiyallahu anha seperti telah disebutkan pada cara yang kelima. <br />Itulah cara-cara shalat malam dan witir yng pernah dikerjakan rasulullah, cara yang lain dari itu bisa juga ditambahkan yang penting tidak melebihi sebelas rakaat. Adapun kurang dari jumlah itu tidak dianggap menyalahi karena yang demikian memang dibolehkan, bahkan berwitir satu rakaatpun juga boleh sebagaimana sabdanya yang lalu: <br />....Maka barang siapa ingin maka ia boleh berwitir 5 rakaat, dan barangsiapa ingin ia boleh berwitir 3 rakaat, dan barangsiapa ingin a boleh berwitir dengan satu rakaat. <br /><br />Hadits di atas merupakan nash boleh ia berwitir dengan salah saatu dari rakaat-rakaat tersebut, hanya saja seperti yang dinyatakan hadits Aisyah bahwasaya beliau tidk berwitir kurang dari 7 rakaat. <br /><br />Tentang witir yang lima rakaat dan tiga rakaat dapat dilakukan dengan berbagai cara: <br />a. Dengan sekali duduk dan sekali salam <br />b. Duduk attahiyat setiap dua rakaat <br />c. Memberi salam setiap dua rakaat <br /><br />Al-Hafidh Muhammad bin Nashr al-Maruzi dalam kitab Qiyamul Lail halaman 119 mengatakan: <br />Cara yang kami pilih untuk mengerjakan shalat malam, baik Ramadlan atau lainnya adalah dengan memberi salam setiap dua rakaat. Kalau seorang ingin mengerjakan tiga rakaat, maka di rakaat pertama hendaknya membaca surah Sabbihisma Rabbikal A’la dan pada rakaat kedua membaca surah Al-Kafirun, dan bertasyahud dirakaat kedua kemudian memberi salam. Selanjutya bangkit lagi dan shalat satu rakaat, pada rakaat ini dibaca Al-Fatihah dan Al-Ikhlash, Mu`awwidzatain (Al-Falaq dan An-Naas), setelah itu beliau (Muhammad bin Nashr) menyebutkan cara-cara yang telah diuraikan terdahulu. <br /><br />Semua cara-cara tersebut boleh dilakukan, hanya saja kami pilih cara yang disebutkan di atas karen didasarkan pada jawaban Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam ketika beliau ditanya tentang shalat malam, maka beliau menjawab: bahwa shalat malam itu dua rakaat dua rakaat, jadi kami memilih cara seperti yang beliau pilih. <br /><br />Adapun tentang witir yang tiga rakaat, tidak kami dapatkan keterangan yang pasti dan terperinci dari Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam bahwasanya beliau tidak memberi salam kecuali pada rakat yang ketiga, seperti yang disebutkan tentang Witir lima rakaat, tujuh dan sembilan rakaat. Yang kami dapati adalah bahw beliau berwitir tiga rakaat dengan tidak disebutkan tentang salam sedangkan tidak disebutkan itu tidak dapat diartikan bahwa beliau tidak mengerjakan, bahkan mungkin beliau melakukannya. <br /><br />Yang jelas tentang pelaksanaan yang tiga rakaat ini mengandung beberapa ihtimaalat (kemungkinan), diantaranya kemungkinan beliau justru memberi salam, karena demikialah yang kami tafsirkan dari shalat beliau yang sepuluh rakaat, meskipun di sana tidak diceritakan tentang adanya salam setiap dua rakaat, tapi berdasar keumuman sabdanya bahwa asal shalat malam atau siang itu adalah dua rakaat, dua rakaat. <br /><br />Sedangkan hadits Ubai bin Ka’ab yang sering dijadikan dasar tidak adanya salam kecuali pada rakaat yang ketiga (laa yusallimu illa fii akhirihinna), ternyata tambahan ini tidak dapat dipakai, karena Abdul Aziz bin Khalid bersendiri dengan tambahan tersebut, sedangkan Abdul Aziz ini, tidak dianggap tsiqah oleh ulama Hadits. Dalam at-Taqrib dinyatakan bahwa dia maqbul apabila ada mutaba’ah (hadits lain yang mengiringi), kalau tidak ia termasuk Layyinul Hadits. Di samping itu tambahan riwayatnya menyalahi riwayat dari Sa’id bin Abi Urubah yang tanpa tambahan tersebut. Ibnu Nashr, Nasai dan Daruqutni juga meriwayatkan tanpa tambahan. Dengan ini, jelas bahwa tambahan tersebut adalah munkar dan tidak dapat dijadikan hujjah. <br /><br />Tapi walaupun demikian diriwayatkan bahwa shahabat-shahabat Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam mengerjakan witir tiga rakaat dengan tanpa memberi salam kecuali pada rakaat yang terakhir dan ittiba’ kepada mereka ini lebih baik baik daripada mengerjakan yang tidak dicontohkan. <br /><br />Dari sisi lain perlu juga diketengahkan bahwa terdapat banyak riwayat baik dari Nabi shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam, para shahabat ataupun tabi’in yaang menunjukan tidak disukainya shalat witir tiga rakaat, diantaranya: Janganlah engkau mengerjakan witir tiga rakaat yang menyerupai Maghrib, tetapi hendaklah engkau berwitir lima rakaat (HR. Al-Baihaqi). <br />Hadits ini tidak dapat dipakai karena mempunyai kelemahan pada sanadnya, tapi Thahawi meriwayatkan hadits ini melalui jalan lain dengan sanad yang shahih. Adapun maksudnya adalah melarang witir tiga rakaat apabila menyerupai Maghrib yaitu dengan dua tasyahud, namun kalau witir tiga rakaat dengan tidak pakai tasyahud awwal, maka yang demikian tidak dapat dikatakan menyerupai. Pendapat ini juga dinyatakan oleh Ibnu Hajar dalam Fathul Bari II:385 dan dianggap baik oleh Shan’aani dalam Subulus Salam II:8. <br /><br />Kesimpulan dari yang kami uraikan di atas bahwa semua cara witir yang disebutkan di atas adalah baik, hanya perlu dinyatakan bahwa witir tiga rakaat dengan dua kali tasyahhud tidak pernah ada contohnya dari Rasulullah shallallahu `alaihi wa sallam bahkan yang demikian tidak luput dari kesalaahan, oleh karenanya kami memilih untuk tidak duduk di rakaat genap (kedua), kalau duduk berarti memberi salaam, dan cara ini adalah yang lebih utamaanimoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-85764878873968568202010-08-30T19:48:00.000-07:002010-08-30T20:04:52.481-07:00kanpa vberdikirArtikel / Tazkiyatun Nufus <br /> <br />Kenapa Harus Berdzikir <br />By chandraleka <br />12/04/2006 949 clicks <br /> <br /> <br />Artikel ini menjelaskan beberapa alasan kenapa kita harus berdzikir kepada Allah. Terlebih lagi bahwa dzikir itu merupakan amalan yang mudah dilakukan. Kemudian pada bagian terakhir, dijelaskan bahwa berdzikir itu harus mengikuti aturan yang digariskan oleh Islam. Tidak boleh membuat - buat aturan yang tidak pernah diajarkan oleh Rasulullah Shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam. <br /> <br /> <br /> <br />KENAPA HARUS BERDZIKIR? <br /><br />Oleh Chandraleka <br />hchandraleka(at)gmail.com <br />April 02, 2006 <br /><br />Berikut beberapa manfaat bisa kita dapatkan dari berdzikir : <br /><br />1.Membuat hati menjadi tenang. <br />Allah berfirman, <br />”Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingati Allah-lah hati menjadi tenteram.” (Ar Ra’d : 28) <br /><br />Banyak orang yang ketika mendapat kesulitan maka mereka mencari cara–cara yang salah untuk dapat mencapai ketenangan hidup. Diantaranya dengan mendengarkan musik yang diharamkan Allah, meminum khamr atau bir atau obat terlarang lainnya. Mereka berharap agar bisa mendapatkan ketenangan. Yang mereka dapatkan bukanlah ketenangan yang hakiki, tetapi ketenangan yang semu. Karena cara–cara yang mereka tempuh dilarang oleh Allah dan Rasul–Nya. <br /><br />Ingatlah firman Allah Jalla wa ’Ala di atas, sehingga bila kita mendapat musibah atau kesulitan yang membuat hati menjadi gundah, maka ingatlah Allah, insya Allah hati menjadi tenang. <br /><br /><br />2.Mendapatkan pengampunan dan pahala yang besar. <br /><br />“Laki-laki dan perempuan yang banyak menyebut (nama) Allah, Allah Telah menyediakan untuk mereka ampunan dan pahala yang besar.” (Al Ahzab : 35) <br /><br />3.Dengan mengingat Allah, maka Allah akan ingat kepada kita. <br />Allah berfirman, <br />“Karena itu, ingatlah kamu kepada Ku, niscaya Aku ingat (pula) kepadamu (dengan memberikan rahmat dan pengampunan)”. (Al Baqarah : 152) <br /><br />4.Dzikir itu diperintahkan oleh Allah agar kita berdzikir sebanyak–banyaknya. <br />Firman Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla <br />“Hai orang–orang yang beriman, berdzikirlah (dengan menyebut nama) Allah, dzikir yang sebanyak–banyaknya. Dan bertasbihlah kepada – Nya di waktu pagi dan petang.” (Al Ahzab : 41 – 42) <br /><br />5.Banyak menyebut nama Allah akan menjadikan kita beruntung. <br /><br />“Dan sebutlah (nama) Allah sebanyak-banyaknya agar kamu beruntung.” (Al Anfal : 45) <br /><br />Pada Al Qur’an dan terjemahan cetakan Al Haramain terdapat footnote bahwa menyebut nama Allah sebanyak – banyaknya, maksudnya adalah memperbanyak dzikir dan doa. <br /><br />6.Dzikir kepada Allah merupakan pembeda antara orang mukmin dan munafik, karena sifat orang munafik adalah tidak mau berdzikir kepada Allah kecuali hanya sedikit saja. (Khalid Al Husainan, Aktsaru min Alfi Sunnatin fil Yaum wal Lailah, Daar Balansiyah lin Nasyr wat Tauzi’, Riyadh, Terj. Zaki Rahmawan, Lebih dari 1000 Amalan Sunnah Dalam Sehari Semalam, Pustaka Imam Asy Syafi’i, Bogor, Cetakan I, Juni 2004 M, hal. 158). <br /><br />Allah berfirman, <br />“Sesungguhnya orang – orang munafik itu menipu Allah dan Allah akan membalas tipuan mereka. Dan apabila mereka berdiri untuk shalat, mereka berdiri dengan malas. Mereka bermaksud riya’ (dengan shalat) di hadapan manusia. Dan tidaklah mereka menyebut Allah kecuali sedikit sekali.” (An Nisaa’ : 142) <br /><br />7.Dzikir merupakan amal ibadah yang paling mudah dilakukan. <br />Banyak amal ibadah yang sebetulnya mudah untuk kita lakukan. Semisal : <br />- Membaca basmillah ketika akan makan / minum <br />- Membaca doa keluar / masuk kamar mandi <br />- Membaca dzikir – dzikir sewaktu pagi dan petang <br />- Membaca doa keluar / masuk rumah <br />- Membaca doa ketika turun hujan <br />- Membaca dzikir setelah hujan turun <br />- Membaca doa ketika berjalan menuju masjid <br />- Membaca dzikir ketika masuk / keluar masjid <br />- Membaca hamdalah ketika bersin <br />- Membaca dzikir – dzikir ketika akan tidur <br />- Membaca doa ketika bangun tidur <br /><br />Dan lain–lain banyak sekali amalan yang mudah kita lakukan. Bila kita tinggalkan, maka rugilah kita berapa banyak ganjaran yang harusnya kita dapat, tetapi tidak kita peroleh padahal itu mudah untuk diraih. Coba saja hitung berapa banyak kita keluar masuk kamar mandi dalam sehari? <br /><br /><br /><br />DZIKIR HARUS SESUAI DENGAN ATURAN ISLAM <br /><br />Dzikir adalah perkara ibadah, maka dari itu dzikir harus mengikuti aturan Islam. Ada dzikir – dzikir yang sifatnya mutlak, jadi boleh dibaca kapan saja, dimana saja, dan dalam jumlah berapa saja karena memang tidak perlu dihitung. <br /><br />Tetapi ada juga dzikir – dzikir yang terkait dengan tempat, misal bacaan – bacaan dzikir ketika mengelilingi (thawaf) di Ka’bah. Ada juga dzikir yang terkait dengan waktu, misal bacaan dzikir turun hujan. Juga ada dzikir yang terkait dengan bilangan, misal membaca tasbih, tahmid, dan takbir dengan jumlah tertentu (33 kali) setelah shalat wajib. Tentu tidak boleh ditambah – tambah kecuali ada dalil yang menerangkannya. <br /><br />Kalau seseorang membuat sendiri aturan – aturan dzikir yang tidak diterangkan oleh Islam, maka berarti dia telah membuat jalan yang baru yang tertolak. Karena sesungguhnya jalan – jalan untuk mendekatkan diri kepada Allah itu telah diterangkan oleh Rasulullah Shallallahu’alaihi wa sallam. Patutkah kita menempuh jalan baru selain jalan yang telah diterangkan oleh Rasul Allah Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam? Tentu tidak, karena Agama Islam ini telah sempurna. Kita harus mencukupkan dengan jalan yang telah diterangkan oleh Rasulullah Shallallahu’alaihi wa sallam.animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4065819088345432431.post-91079638303750584532010-08-27T19:02:00.001-07:002010-08-27T19:02:26.625-07:00makananKeterampilan<br />Memilih<br />Makanan &<br />Minuman<br />Yang Sehat<br />Written by :<br />ARRUM CHYNTIA YULIYANTI<br />HIDUP SEHAT<br />Ada beberapa hal yang sering dilewatkan dalam menjalani hidup,<br />sehingga akibat buruk dari kebiasaan ini akan datang mengganggu kesehatan<br />kita. Hal ini bisa terjadi hanya karena kebiasaan hidup yang tidak teratur.<br />Kebiasaan tersebut adalah antara lain melewatkan sarapan, kurang minum air<br />putih, kurang gerak sampai dengan ngemil snack berkalori tinggi.<br />Menurut Pete Cohen, psikolog dan physical trainer, bahwa tidak ada<br />manusia lahir dengan kebiasaan buruk. Kebiasaan ini dipelajari saat tumbuh<br />dewasa. Cara yang paling jitu untuk membuang kebiasaan buruk adalah<br />dengan menggantinya dengan kebiasaan yang lebih baik. Menurut beberapa<br />penelitian, diperlukan pengulangan 20-30 kali untuk kemudian menjadi<br />kebiasaan baru.<br />Ada beberapa tips dibawah ini, mengenai cara menghargai hidup dengan<br />menjalani hidup secara sehat dan teratur, yaitu :<br />1. Minum air putih secara cukup<br />Kenapa terjadi? tubuhmanusia tidak akan memberi sinyal berupa rasa<br />haus sampai tubuh benar-benar kekurangan air atau mengalami dehidrasi.<br />Mengapa air putih? karena 2/3 tubuh kita terdiri dari air, maka air<br />merupakan unsur terpenting bagi tubuh. Setiap hari kita kehilangan 1,5 liter<br />air lewat kulit, paru-paru dan ginjal (berupa air kencing). Kehilangan itu harus<br />digantikan dengan jumlah yang cukup, sehingga tubuh akan terhindar dari<br />kelelahan, sakit kepala, kulit kusam dan bad mood.<br />2. Sarapan pagi setiap hari<br />Kenapa terjadi? Alasan yang sering didengar adalah karena tidak<br />cukup waktu untuk sarapan.<br />Mengapa sarapan? Kalau sarapan terlewatkan maka akan<br />mempengaruhi produktivitas kerja. Untuk itu 'dengarkan' tubuh anda dengan<br />melakukan sarapan sehat secara rutin setiap hari. Sarapan sehat adalah<br />makanan ringan yang cukup gizi seperti segelas susu atau jus buah atau<br />sarapan siap saji yang kaya gizi dan rendah lemak.<br />3. Makan siang yang bergizi<br />Kenapa terjadi? Karena biasanya kelebihan karbohidrat sering terjadi<br />saat makan siang, atau kurang mengkonsumsi makanan yang mengandung<br />protein sebagau sumber energi.<br />Mengapa harus bergizi? Biasanya ngemil makanan tinggi kalori akan<br />jadi pilihan utama apabila rasa lapar menyerang, seperti cokelat, keripik atau<br />biskuit, yang banyak mengandung lemak, gula dan garam. Untuk itu memilih<br />makan siang yang bergizi adalah cara yang bijaksana untuk mengatasi rasa<br />lapar. Cara yang bijaksana menurut Dr. Wendy Doyle, ahli diet, dengan cara<br />menambah lauknya, makan sepotong buah atau segelas yoghurt.<br />4. Siasati makan malam<br />Kenapa terjadi? Biasanya setelah lelah seharian kerja, maka akan<br />malas kalau harus mempersiapkan makan malam.<br />Mengapa disiasati? Karena biasanya bila tidak mempersiapkan makan<br />malam maka fast food atau take-away food, yang pasti mengandung tinggi<br />lemak dan garam. Cara mengatasinya??, makan sesuatu sebelum pulang<br />kantor dan mengisi kulkas dengan bahan makanan yang lebih tahan lama<br />simpan untuk keadaan darurat. Kalau terpaksa membeli makanan, lebih baik<br />hindari makanan yang digoreng dan pikirkan makanan tersebut mengandung<br />gizi, yang paling tidak, cukup.<br />5. Hindari Menu Makanan yang Buruk<br />Semua orang berpacu dengan waktu mengejar target dan harapan yang<br />telah ditentukan. Maka sebagian besar orang, melupakan dan melalaikan<br />tentang pentingnya masalah menu. Makanan yang baik, mereka hanya<br />mementingkan target, harapan serta ambisi mereka saja. Sedangkan Menu<br />Makanan tidak tidak terpikirkan lagi, yang penting bagi<br />mereka adalah makan yang enak dan cepat.<br />Untuk mendapatkan menu makanan yang Sehat kita<br />harus mengurangi Kadar Lemak Jenuh dalam semua menu<br />makanan kita dan harus berusaha menyingkirkan dan<br />menghindarinya semampu kita.<br />1. Membuang semua Lemak yang Kelihatan dan Tidak Kelihatan.<br />2. Mengurangi semua Makanan berlemak.<br />3. Mengurangi jumlah Lemak Jenuh (Lemak Hewani) dalam makanan.<br />4. Mengurangi Makanan yang berkolesterol.<br />6. Meningkatkan Makanan Sehat<br />Kemakmuran meningkat, gaya hidup juga meningkat mengikutinya,<br />tetapi apakah Keadaan Kondisi Kesehatan kita meningkat juga? Untuk<br />mengimbangi masuknya Lemak Jenuh (Omega 6) dari Menu Makanan kita<br />dan juga meningkatnya produksi Kolesterol Jahat (LDL) yang diproduksi<br />dalam hati (liver) yang disebabkan Stress maupun Depresi karena Tekanan<br />Keadaan yang mempengaruhi kita pada jaman ini, maka harus<br />meningkatkan konsumsi Menu Makanan Sehat, sebagai berikut:<br />Meningkatkan Jumlah Lemak tidak Jenuh Ganda dalam Menu Makanan.<br />Meningkatkan Jumlah Menu Makanan berserat Tinggi.<br />Meningkatkan konsumsi Sayuran dan Buah-buahan berserat tinggi.<br />7. Olahraga secara teratur<br />Melakukan aktifitas fisik atau berolahraga secara teratur untuk dapat<br />meningkatkan metabolisme tubuh secara menyeluruh, maka pembakaran<br />lemak dan kolesterol juga meningkatkan serta memperlancarkan peredaran<br />dan sirkulasi darah pada seluruh tubuh kita dan juga penting sekali untuk<br />latihan untuk otot-otot pada jaringan jantung kita.<br />Keberhasilan yang dicapai dari olahraga bergantung sesuai dengan<br />kadar kegiatan olahraga dan keteraturannya sesuai dengan kemampuan kita<br />masing-masing pribadi.<br />8. Hindari kehidupan yang Stress<br />Kemakmuran meningkat, gaya hidup juga mengikutnya. Dengan<br />harapan tindakan untuk menjaga & memperbaiki kondisi Kesehatan kita juga<br />meningkat juga? Karena mereka umumnya tidak memperhatikan<br />kemampuan mereka, maka umumnya masyarakat akan mengalami Stress<br />yang tinggi karena desakan cita-cita, target, ambisi maupun idealisme yang<br />tinggi pula.<br />Stress telah menyerang tanpa disadari oleh yang mengalaminya. Stress<br />mempengaruhi dan meningkatkan hormon stress dalam tubuh yang<br />berakibat naiknya tekanan darah dan pada umum stress mendorong<br />kegiatanyang merugikan dan merusak, seperti minum minuman keras,<br />merokok, bergaul secara bebas, narkotik dan lain-lain.<br />Akibat stress juga mengakibatkan peningkatan produksi Kolesterol Jahat<br />(LDL) yang diproduksi oleh hati (liver) yang dapat mengakibatkan<br />meningkatnya resiko penyempitan dan penyumbatan pembuluh darah<br />(Arteriosklerosis). Maka hindari Stress untuk menghindari dampak buruk<br />yang lebih banyak dan komplek dengan beristirahat, berlibur dan<br />bertamasya.<br />Sumber: Buku Hembing tahun 2004<br />1. Pengetahuan tentang Makanan Sehat<br />a. Arti Makanan Sehat<br />Kekurangan maupun kelebihan zat-zat gizi dapat<br />berakibat negatif terhadap kesehatan tubuh. Keadaan yang<br />sempurna akan diperoleh apabila tubuh mendapat semua zat<br />gizi dalam jumlah yang cukup sesuai dengan kebutuhan, dan<br />dalam perbandingan yang seimbang.<br />Oleh sebab itu, makan sehat sering disebut makanan<br />seimbang. Artinya, di dalam menu atau susunan hidangan<br />sehari-hari mengandung semua zat gizi yang diperlukan<br />tubuh dalam jumlah yang memenuhi kebutuhan, dan tiap-tiap<br />gizi dalam perbandingan yang sesuai atau seimbang satu<br />dengan yang lainnya.<br />Di samping hal-hal yang menyangkut menu gizi,<br />makanan sehat harus pula bebas dari kuman yang<br />menyebabkan penyakit. Oleh sebab itu, berbicara tentang<br />makanan sehat, selain mutu gizi, faktor kebersihan makanan<br />perlu pula mendapat perhatian.<br />b. Guna Zat-Zat Gizi<br />Sesuai dengan fungsinya , zat-zat gizi dapat digolongkan<br />menjadi tiga, antara lain sebagai berikut:<br />(1) Zat tenaga : hidrat arang, lemak, dan protein.<br />(2) Zat pembangun : protein, mineral, dan air.<br />(3) Zat pengatur : vitamin, mineral, protein, dan air.<br />Dari penggolongan tersebut dapat dilihat bahwa<br />beberapa zat gizi mempunyai fungsi lebih dari satu. Misalnya,<br />protein dapat berfungsi sebagai zat pembangun, zat tenaga,<br />maupun zat pengatur. Demikian pula dengan mineral dan air<br />dapat berfungsi sebagai zat pembangun maupun zat<br />pengatur.<br />2. Pengaruh Gizi<br />a)Pengaruh gizi terhadap daya kerja<br />Pada dasarnya pengaruh gizi terhadap daya kerja ini,<br />seseorang tidak merasa bahwa dirinya sakit, akan tetapi<br />hal ini mempunyai pengaruh terhadap kemampuan atau<br />daya kerja seseorang antara lain menjadi kurang<br />bergairah, cepat lelah, mengantuk dan sering sakit<br />b)Pengaruh gizi terhadap daya tahan<br />Kelainan gizi yang berat sering timbulnya penyakit<br />infeksi. Sebaliknya, penyakit infeksi akan mudah<br />menyerang apabila dalam keadaan gizi kurang.<br />Demikianlah akan terjadi sebab akibat yang timbal balik<br />antara gizi kurang dan penyakit infeksi.<br />Keadaan tersebut kiranya dapat dijelaskan sebagai<br />berikut. Pada waktu sakit, tubuhnya memerlukan zat-zat<br />gizi dalam jumlah yang lebih banyak daripada biasanya,<br />sedangkan pada umumnya, waktu sakit kita kurang<br />mempunyai nafsu makan. Untuk memenuhi kebutuhan<br />zat-zat gizi yang meningkat ini, maka cadangan zat-zat<br />gizi dalam tubuh akan dipakai.<br />Apabila keadaan ini berlangsung terus menerus,<br />cadangan zat-zat gizi dalam jaringan-jaringan akan habis<br />terpakai, lebih-lebih kalau timbunan cadangan hanya<br />terbatas, sedangkan yang diperoleh dari manakan<br />sangat sedikit. Keadaan ini menyebabkan pembentukan<br />zat-zat anti atau zat-zat pelindung terhadap penyakit<br />juga kurang, sehingga tubuh mudah terserang penyakit.<br />c)Pengaruh gizi terhadap pertumbuhan jasmani<br />dan mental :<br />Pengaruh positif zat gizi pada fisik/jasmani manusia :<br />Warna kulit segar dan normal<br />Rambut tumbuh sehat dan kuat juga<br />Gizi tumbuh sehat dan kuat juga<br />Otot-otot berkembang dengan baik<br />Fisik / badan tumbuh dengan baik dan sempurna<br />Pengaruh positif zat gizi pada mental atau rohani manusia :<br />Percaya diri/pede<br />Cerdas/pandai/pintar<br />Aktif, kreatif dan berinisiatif tinggi<br />Contohnya :<br />Gizi kurang yang timbul pada masa kanak-kanak selain<br />akan menyebabkan gangguan pada pertumbuhan jasmani,<br />juga akan menyebabkan gangguan perkembangan mental<br />seorang anak yang kekurangan gizi setelah mencapai<br />dewasa tubuhnya tidak akan mencapai tinggi yang<br />seharusnya dapat dicapai.<br />(Sumber: Pendidikan jasmani olahraga dan kesehatan,<br />Muhajir, Erlangga)animoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11036799130508919469noreply@blogger.com